To Be Alive Again

Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or Yu Yu Hakusho. They belong to their respective owners. I make no profit from my writing.

A/N: Here’s an update. Hope you enjoy.

To Be Alive Again
Chapter 7
Comfort in Strange Places

It seemed like she was back in the past all over again. The way her heart hurt only drug up past pain that Inuyasha had so carelessly inflicted on her. Why did she always fall for boys that wanted nothing more than to hurt her? And they played their game well. Yusuke and Hiei both put her under the impression that they actually cared for her, but they both had her doubting everything they had done.

Sniffling again, Kagome shifted from her bed and walked to her closet. She didn’t want to stay around here any longer than she possibly had to, and she just wanted to go home and cry on her mother’s shoulder. Pausing at the door, she tried to compose herself the best she could before walking out, not aware that she was being watched from a screen in the Reikai.

Koenma could have smirked at his good fortune, but he knew that just as quickly as the miko’s relationship with the toushin and hybrid deteriorated, so could his relationship with the girl. He had to move quickly though, if he wanted to have any sort of chance with the girl. She was perfect in many ways, and he had never really shown any interest in the opposite sex. He had heard the rumors around the Reikai offices about him having a relationship with Botan, but he had no interest in Lady Death.

In all reality, she was just too extreme for him, but Kagome on the other hand, was both gentle, and strong, and she had a caring personality that couldn’t be dismissed. He often wondered if she could ever think of him in a loving light, and there was only one way to find out, and that was to put him in a situation to be cared for by her.

Quickly transforming into his teenage form, he opened a portal to the human realm, just outside of Genkai’s shrine, and waited.

Kagome slipped out of the house and moved quickly across the yard and towards the steps that would take her away from here. She refused to acknowledge the mental nudges in her direction from Genkai and from Hiei as she broke into a run, trying to ignore the look of triumph upon the hiyoukai’s face as he looked to Yusuke. Why did she trust them so easily? She had tried to keep them away, but her heart longed for someone to care about her unconditionally, and not see her for someone she wasn’t. At that thought, the tears coursed again down her face. She had just talked to Hiei about how she was trying to get out from underneath Kikyou’s shadow, but it seemed that that was impossible for her right now.

She couldn’t see through her tears and promptly ran into someone who was at the bottom of the stairs.

Koenma’s eyes widened at Kagome’s tears, and he fought the urge to go knock some sense into the two idiots that had caused her pain. However, she couldn’t seem to see him, as she ran right into him. Easily, he kept upright and steadied her before she could fall too.

“Sorry…” she whispered quietly, before trying to pull away from the stranger. She moved to shift, but a pair of strong, yet gentle arms wrapped around her.

Blinking back her tears, she looked up into the face of Koenma, and looked away again. What was he doing here? At the moment, she felt that she could not look more pathetic in the eyes of the demi-god.

The spirit leader wrapped his arms around her to hold her to him. She was shaking from her sadness, and he didn’t want her running off in this state. Who knew what kind of trouble she would get herself into if she didn’t even see him?

“Kagome...” he paused before saying, “…don’t worry about it. But, I would like you to tell me what happened.” He replied, still holding onto her. She wasn’t pulling away, and for that he was glad. Perhaps she thought of him more fondly than he previously thought.

The miko looked up again to Koenma’s face before breaking down again, her sobs freely wracking her body. What was it about him that made her want to trust him? Or was it that personality flaw that usually got her heart broken? Whatever it was, she latched onto him for the comfort that he was obviously freely giving, and cried into his chest.

With a small frown the demi-god wrapped his arms around her and held her close while she cried out her sadness. “Shhh…it will be alright, Kagome…I’m here for you…” he said soothingly as he rubbed her lower back, giving her comfort that she needed right now. He only faintly caught what had happened, but from the state of the miko, he knew it must have hurt her badly.

“Hiei…they were only in competition…neither really cared about me…” she managed out as she held onto him tightly. He didn’t seem to mind that she was crying all over his uniform, and she was starting to appreciate that it was he at the bottom of the stairs as she ran away from her heart break.

Koenma raised an eyebrow before resting his head on hers. He knew that wasn’t the truth, but he wasn’t about to say anything. “But you really care about them…don’t you?” he said softly, wanting her to voice it aloud.

She just nodded into his chest, before saying, “Why do I fall in love with guys who don’t care about me?” she whispered brokenly, before tightening her grip on him.

It almost killed him to hear her whispered words, but he continued to hold her before he said, “That’s not true, Kagome…” he almost wanted to kick himself for wanting her to feel better about Hiei and Yusuke, but a small part of him couldn’t be as evil as he could in this situation.

“Then why…did he look like he had just won some prize when he kissed me?” she questioned, looking up into the demi-god’s chocolate brown eyes.

He couldn’t lie to her, not when she was looking to him with such trusting eyes.

“Because…any man would be victorious to be able to kiss you.” He replied, as he tried to keep the emotion out of his voice.

Kagome’s eyes widened before she tried to pull away just a little—but Koenma wouldn’t have any of that. She had to know the truth, even if it killed all chances he had with her.

“They really care about you, Kagome…” his voice faltered for a moment before he said quietly, “…as do I. Do not hold it against Hiei. Whatever you thought you saw…forget that. They both care about you very much.”

Her eyes widened further at his confession and his words. He certainly wouldn’t lie to her, would he? And she knew that he wasn’t on the best of terms with Hiei at least, even though he was their boss, he wouldn’t lie for them. He wouldn’t be with them to hurt her. None of this made much sense in her head, but it suddenly occurred to her that she might have misinterpreted the situation, and that’s what hurt most.

What must they be thinking about her right now?

Bottom lip trembling, she looked down before saying, “I’m sorry. I’m just…so confused right now.”

He nodded softly before saying, “Just remember…I’ll be here for you whenever you need me.” If he stood back and let her figure things out, he was sure that she would appreciate him more for it, and perhaps she would find that his toned down personality would be just what she needed.

Kagome looked back up to him before the barest of smiles came to her lips before disappearing. He was so sweet to her and he never made her feel badly about herself. Then again, neither Yusuke nor Hiei had either until today, and she wasn’t sure what to feel about that situation just yet. The wounds were too fresh and raw and they were tangling with the past hurt she had endured for the hanyou, making it almost impossible for her to disentangle the past from the present.

“Thank you, Koenma.” She said softly, before pulling away from him fully. “…by the way…what are you here for? It’s rare to see you around the human realm unless it’s for something important.” She commented quietly.

He just smiled. She was very intelligent as well, another point in her favor. “Actually, I was here to see you. I wanted to see how you were getting along in school and with your training, and to just check up on you. I’m glad I came to visit now.” He poured on the charm as her eyes turned appreciative.

He went out of his way to come see her, and she was instantly reminded of Hiei. Pushing those thoughts away, she finally found her voice and said, “Let’s go get something to eat. I’ll inform you all about what’s been going on.”

~*~

Genkai’s anger was even more volatile than usual as she stared down her apprentice and Hiei. Neither one was talking and it was pissing her off more than normal.

“I’ll ask you once more, what have you idiots done to Kagome?” she asked, her tone dark and hard.

Yusuke was the first to speak up. “Blockhead here went and kissed Kagome. Then she saw me walking up and she got upset. The way he was acting it was as if he won the lottery or something.” He growled out, earning one of his own from Hiei.

Before a millisecond had passed, they were at each others throats, and Genkai was quickly intervening.

“Both of you are imbeciles. Neither one of you took a moment to find out how she feels. Yusuke, I know for a fact that you have been around her constantly and you have proven that you can be her friend, but she is torn between wanting a friend, and wanting something more. Hiei, you obviously care for her a great deal, but showing your open hostility towards dimwit here and then showing it up in his face that you kissed her first has only inspired doubt as to if either of you really care for her in the first place. I know both of you are familiar with her past troubles with relationships, but neither of you are taking into account one very important thing.” She bit out, looking between each of them.

“And what’s that, old hag?” Yusuke asked, still locking eyes with Hiei and just praying that she let him go so he could knock a little sense into his friend’s brain. He wasn’t sure what more he could do, considering Hiei was a very powerful opponent, but he wasn’t going to back down. Hiei knew how he felt about Kagome, and yet he continued to interfere. Now, because of his idiocy, he may have lost her forever, and that was just not acceptable.

“She is human. You are demons. I don’t know how deeply she feels about either of you, but I know that she cares a lot. She is probably struggling with the fact that she is human, and as such, assumes that she will have to choose.” The older woman wasn’t sure why she was spelling this out for the two rather thick-headed males, but she did not want to see Kagome in tears again like she had just seen her. It wasn’t something that soothed her, but rather, made her angry and protective. She briefly wondered if she would’ve felt this way towards a daughter, if she had ever had one.

Both men looked to the old woman before looking back to one another, surprise and uneasiness in their stances now. It was quite obvious that both hat thought of sharing with the other, but to hear that spoken aloud was something that sparked new thoughts within them. Yusuke loved Kagome, and he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. Because of this, he was willing to share her affections with the hiyoukai, but the question was, was Hiei willing to share with him? And furthermore, was Kagome willing to be in such a relationship, or would her human morals dictate her decision?

Growling at the old woman’s insinuation, Hiei finally spoke up. “Old woman, you forget your place. If she desires both of us then it is only logical that we fight things out between us. Your interference is tiresome and not needed.” He didn’t want to admit that he would be willing to share Kagome with Yusuke, but it was only because it was Yusuke that he would even consider it. The toushin’s strength rivaled his own and his character was something the hiyoukai envied in some instances.

Genkai didn’t make a reply, only stood her ground between the two males.

Yusuke looked to Hiei before saying, “I won’t make her choose between us. If it comes down to it, I would accept those terms. I would never see her unhappy because she had to choose between me and you.”

“Then we have some things to discuss, Yusuke.” Hiei finally said, his aura calming down a bit. He rarely called the detective by his first name, but if they were going to be put on equal footing where Kagome stood, it was only courtesy that he start referring to Yusuke as his equal.

Genkai just smirked.

~*~

Koenma listened patiently as Kagome spoke about how her schooling was going, about how she was doubting her own worth, about everything that she had been keeping inside for the past few months. She didn’t want to bother the others about it, since they had their own troubles and worries to attend to, and even though Koenma was in the same position, he actually seemed interested in what she had to say.

Maybe that’s why she trusted him and opened up to him.

It was something that he didn’t in the least mind.

A comfortable silence took up the space before Kagome asked, “Is…Shippou still alive?” she had thought about the kitsune almost as much as she had thought about Inuyasha, and if her little kit was still alive, even in the Makai, it would reassure her to know.

Koenma looked at her curiously before nodding softly. “The kitsune is still alive and well. He is living with the taiyoukai Sesshoumaru in the western lands of the Makai.” He informed her, watching as a smile came to her face.

“I’m glad some things never change.” She said, looking down at her napkin as she sighed softly. “I want to see them.” Her face held a strange look of longing and Koenma wasn’t sure what she was thinking. Was she asking permission to see them?

“You could always travel there, if you’d like. I have a letter that needs to be delivered there.” He smiled, a thought forming. “This is your first mission. Deliver this letter to the taiyoukai and bring back his reply.”

He knew it was dangerous in the Makai, but he had confidence in her power and strength.

Kagome’s eyes went wide as she looked to the demi-god before saying, “Seriously?!” Her heart began to beat rapidly and she could hardly contain her excitement and nervousness. She had longed to see anyone who was in the past, and now she had the chance. She wondered if they would even remember her.

“I am one-hundred percent serious, Kagome. If you would like, you may head out right away.” He said, taking in her expression and smiling. If all it took to cheer her up was the thought of seeing some of her old friends, then he would have to arrange visits more often.

She nodded furiously, before standing. “I need to do some shopping then. I’ll meet you at the bottom of the shrine in two hours. Will you be there?”

He nodded before watching her race out of the coffee shop they had been occupying before he chucked softly. She was such an interesting creature.

Standing himself, he left the shop and made a portal back to his office to get the letter that he was going to send out. Ironically, it was just a letter to inform the taiyoukai and kit that Kagome was around and well in the Ningenkai, if they felt the need to contact her.

Two hours came and went and Kagome stood with a large camping backpack on her shoulders filled with provisions and first aide things at the bottom of the shrine steps. She knew that she probably wouldn’t need a third of the stuff she had packed, but it never hurt to be prepared. Too many times in the past she had wished she had packed more of one thing or another and didn’t have it.

Koenma walked up quietly before saying, “Here is the letter, and a map. This is your first test. Do your best, Kagome.” He smiled at her, though he was nervous letting her go off on her own, he knew that she needed to rebuild some confidence in herself, and this was just one step in many that he would lead her to in order to do so.

She returned his smile before nodding and took the letter. Her own nerves were on edge as she thought of seeing Shippou again, as well as Sesshoumaru. She glanced towards the top of the shrine steps before turning and saying softly, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” With that she broke into a run, her mind screaming at her that she shouldn’t just leave without telling Hiei and Yusuke anything, and leaving like this in the first place.

Her mind really was mixed up with what had happened, and what Koenma had said. Was it true that they really cared about her, or was she fishing for their acceptance and approval as she had done with Inuyasha for so many years?

Thoughts racing, she barely checked her map to keep focused on her task at hand as she walked through a small wooded area that was simply marked with an arrow to point her in the right direction. She didn’t realize that it was her spiritual power that was pointing out all of the guides that were leading her closer and closer to the Makai, however, she could not ignore the shift of a barrier as she slipped through from the Ningenkai to the Makai. It was so familiar that it had her heart stopping momentarily before she got back control of herself. She wasn’t going back to the past, only going to another realm. Her breath baited, she readjusted her backpack before walking further into the strange new land.

Immediately her senses went crazy as she felt what had to be thousands of demon presences prickling at her like a tidal wave. Swallowing hard, she shook her head to try and brush off what she felt, though her skin felt as if a million small bugs were crawling all over her. Quickly, she tried to pinpoint the closest demon presence and was relieved when it was at least five miles away. Her training had definitely helped her senses improve and she took a silent moment to praise herself for her hard work before she checked her map and went on her way, not noticing a familiar kitsune watching over her.

‘What the hell is she doing here?’ Kurama thought to himself as he watched Kagome enter the Makai. He was on his own business in the demon realm, but he could smell the miko girl a mile away, though it was more Youko’s keen senses that picked her up.

‘Follow her, Red. There has to be a good reason, unless she’s lost her mind. Either way, I’m curious.’ Youko smirked, as he peered up from the back of the red-head’s mind to get a closer look at the girl who was walking at a fairly gentle pace towards her unknown destination.

As they followed her, they began to notice other things in her aura that they had missed when they had first come upon her. Sadness, confusion, and deep lingering upset clung to her in almost dangerous amounts, but she didn’t seem to be showing what she was feeling. The more they observed this girl the more they discovered how much she really kept everything inside, and did not show what she truly felt. Thinking back, it surprised them that she lashed out as she did at Keiko. Quietly they pondered if it were her past experiences with the hanyou that made her react as she did.

They were so lost in their own musings that they almost missed her stopping in front of them, and quickly wondered why until they heard her voice. “I can feel you following me. The reason is, why?” she voiced, before turning around and pointing an arrow at them.

Concealed almost impeccably behind some foliage, they did not reply, but their shock could not be hidden. Had they, for the first time in a long time, underestimated someone? Before they could figure out what to say, Kagome spoke again. “Why are you following me?” she said again, and this time she sounded angry, as her grip tightened on her arrow and she narrowed her eyes in the direction of the demon she felt.

For a moment, a sliver of fear raced down Kurama’s spine before Youko gathered their bearings for them. “You should not be here, miko.” He spoke, earning a gasp from Kagome.

Confusion filled her face as she dropped her bow to her side. “Kurama? What are you doing here?” Kagome had felt someone following her for a good quarter of a mile before she turned around to face whomever it was. She had not expected it to be a friend. Immediately she thought the worst. ‘Koenma didn’t trust me to do this by myself?’ but her thoughts were pushed away when he replied, “I could ask you the same thing, Kagome.” Kurama said, stepping out from behind his cover with a brush of his hands over his uniform.

“I’m…here for Koenma. He sent me to do something.” She said, hoping he wouldn’t ask more questions. She really didn’t feel like explaining anything more about her trip to see Sesshoumaru and Shippou, or the confusion she felt over Yusuke and Hiei. She was ashamed to think about what he would think of her if he would ever find out about her feelings. She was just not that kind of girl, and yet here she was, having feelings for not one, but two other guys.

For a moment, she couldn’t help but pity Inuyasha, except for the fact that she was almost positive that he never really cared about her.

He gave her an impassive look over her, though Youko was more critical. ‘She’s hiding something…’ he said calmly to his counterpart, though his curiosity was baited further.

Kurama raised an eyebrow to the fox, before asking, “Is that it, Kagome? Why are you out here alone? Where are Yusuke and Hiei?” Kagome winced as he mentioned the two more immediate sources of her distress, a reaction not lost on the kitsune.

‘Did one or both of those idiots hurt her?’ Kurama quickly asked Youko before they heard Kagome’s reply of, “I’m doing this on my own. To prove that I can take care of myself.” She said in a strong voice that she didn’t feel at all.

She watched as the red-head stood there before she looked down to her feet, shuffling around a small pile of dirt with her tennis shoe. He could probably read right through her. He was the smartest person of the group and probably the smartest person she knew and he had years upon years of kitsune intelligence resting within him. ‘I’m so screwed.’ She thought blandly before he spoke.

“I see. Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to accompany you for a little bit. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you, and we never get to talk in school.” He supplied at Youko’s prompting. She was hiding something, and they were both curious as to what that something was. She was the type to open up and let things slip without ever really knowing she was doing so, so it was in their benefit to talk to her and see if she would open up a little.

Kagome’s eyes went wide and they had to hide a chuckle before she nodded to them with a small smile. “Okay.” She had missed seeing the small group together, and missed hanging out with everyone, so this was the perfect opportunity to find out what he had been up to, and Shizuru too.

With another charming smile directed at Kagome, he led the way further into the Makai, his senses keeping them safe from any confrontations they would have encountered.

~*~

“You did WHAT?!” Yusuke shouted when he had gone to Koenma for any information on Kagome’s whereabouts.

It was after midnight, though Yusuke and Hiei had been franticly searching for Kagome since about nine. No one had told them of her little excursion into the Makai, and it was making both the mazoku and hiyoukai see red. “There is no reason in hell she should be there, and especially alone! What the hell were you thinking, toddler?!” Yusuke shouted, his demon markings showing up darker the longer the conversation lasted.

Hiei was standing near the door for most of the interrogation, but once he had found out that Kagome was in the Makai, alone, he had left the demi-god’s office in a flurry of black robes to go find her. He had never thought that she would be so foolish as to go off to the Makai by herself, but apparently he had misjudged her. It did not matter that the spirit leader had sent her; she could have at least informed him or even the detective to travel with her.

Meanwhile, Yusuke slammed his hands down on Koenma’s desk with a loud slam. “I warned you before Koenma: she does not need to be going to the Makai; for any reason.” He said darkly, his eyes glowing an unnatural color. “If one hair on her head is hurt, I’m going to take it out on you tenfold.”

Koenma slammed his own hands on the desk, already transformed to his teenage form. “Is that a threat, Yusuke?” he shouted, his own eyes darkening as his spiritual power started to grow because of the tense situation and because of his own lingering doubts and fears about Kagome going off to the Makai alone.

“I never make threats, Koenma. I make promises.” He growled out, before turning from the demi-god and leaving his office, his demon powers leading him from Reikai castle to the Makai. He would make true his promise. If Kagome was hurt, the first person to pay would be whomever hurt her, then, the demi-god would pay for allowing it to happen.

~*~

Kagome and Kurama were unaware of the volatile demons searching for her, as they talked about many things. Really, Kagome hadn’t had much of an opportunity to talk to the kitsune, and yet, he had one very important thing in common with her that she hadn’t realized before. As they talked, it became crystal clear that Kurama and Youko were two entirely different beings, and it reminded her of her situation in the past. She was not Kikyou, but many times, she was mistaken for the un-dead miko.

She could almost hear the unspoken thoughts that passed through Kurama’s mind as she spoke about being seen as the other miko, and not herself.

Kurama was surprised when she opened up about her past so readily, but then again, she hadn’t had much of an opportunity to tell him all of the things she had told Yukina upon coming to Genkai’s. He had eavesdropped on the conversation, but he was learning more and more as they walked and the more she spoke, the more he found he had in common with her. He could feel her raw pain at being seen as a replacement for her previous incarnation, and especially by the hanyou she had loved, it seemed almost unreal that anyone else could feel as he did.

“I…” Kagome sighed before she continued in a soft whisper. “…I don’t think he ever saw me for me. Whenever he looked at me, it always felt as if he were looking past me.” Their eyes met as she continued, “There is a resemblance, but, I am not her, and I don’t want to be.” Frowning, she tore her eyes away from the kitsune’s green ones and looked to the ground with a bitter smile.

“I must sound so stupid to you right now. It’s almost like I’m still trying to be her, but not. I don’t want others to see her in me, and even though I’m in this time, where hardly anyone really knows about Kikyou and the past, I still have to tell everyone about her and let them know that I’m not her. I’m still trying so hard to stand out, and be me.” She looked up with confused eyes. “I don’t think I’m making any sense.”

Kurama shook his head as she looked back to the ground. “No, you make perfect sense. It’s hard to tell anyone about your past without telling them about Kikyou, and, like it or not, those experiences have made you who you are right now.” He said, looking to her with a contemplative look upon his face.

Her eyes widened a moment before she quickly looked to the ground again. “…that’s kind of what Hiei said to me earlier.” She replied before she could stop herself.

Kurama’s confusion skyrocketed while Youko’s curiosity went with it. “Hiei? Are you sure you’ve got the right guy?” That did not sound like his friend, but he had been acting odd ever since he met Kagome. Was it possible that he thought fondly of her? He almost had to banish that thought for the image it inspired, but he managed to reign in his laughter, in lieu of absolute confusion.

She smiled at his expression before saying with a slightly faraway look in her eye, “Yeah. You know, there is so much more to him than meets the eye. Sometimes, he can act like such a child. There are so many things that he hasn’t experienced, like movie theatres, and malls, but then there’s this other side to him, that’s so deep that you can drown in it if you’re not careful.” She finished with a soft sigh.

“There’s so much that he hides about himself.” She commented quietly before looking to Kurama. “You know what I mean?” she asked.

His green eyes softened before he nodded in reply. Hiei was a very closed off demon, but she seemed to look past his sometimes hostile and quiet demeanor to that hidden sphere that the hiyoukai kept out of sight of everyone, even him, who had been a friend (acquaintance?) of his for longer than anyone else.

“He’s got plenty of reasons to be the way he is. Just like you.” He said softly.

Kagome blinked a couple of times to push back tears. Again, they were so alike that it was strange to think that he would do anything to hurt her. She was trying so hard to think that he cared, really cared, about her, but something was holding her back from trusting anyone so readily with her heart. Almost automatically, she said quietly, “I know. I just wish…” her voice trailed off and Kurama supplied, “…just wish what?”

“I just wish this wasn’t so hard.” She finished in a broken voice, her resolve slipping away the more she talked about him. She didn’t want to talk about him or Yusuke but it seemed that this is where their topic of conversation had gone, and it was too late to turn back from it now.

Frowning, Kurama immediately asked, “What’s so hard about it?”

She shook her head before replying, “Nothing. Nothing at all.” And with that she sped up her walking towards a stream she had seen. “We should make camp.”

Kurama went to ask her what she meant, but was quickly silenced by Youko. ‘She isn’t going to say anything else. Not tonight anyway. We’ll ask her tomorrow. Besides, it seems as if we will have visitors soon.’ He said, before Kurama felt two familiar and powerful auras coming closer.

It seemed as if things were about to get more interesting by the moment.


~*~


/chapter

A/N: Sorry for the delay. Please, R/R!

Kudos, loves!
Sayuri-chan~~