How All Came to Be

DISCLAIMER: I do not own IY. Nor do I own the lovely poetry of Emily Dickinson.

Chapter 5:

“Our share of night to bear,
Our share of morning,
Our blank in bliss to fill,
Our blank in scorning.”
-Emily Dickinson


How she prayed for a light in the window. The well house was pitch black save the three foot slice of the city’s reflected orange glow that
poured through the still open entrance. She peeked through the slatted
portion of the door like a child.

‘I can’t find anything out if I stay in here all night.’ Her palms rested
against the rough wood. In a surge of determination Kagome moved
from behind the barrier. The sound of cars passing on the road below
the shrine filtered into her ears. She tried to picture her mother’s
surprise when her daughter barged into her bedroom in the dead of
night.

One step brought Kagome into the courtyard. The cobblestone cold against her feet. A few more brought her to the god tree and she stood under its boughs for a moment, staring blankly at the rough patch on the bark. If all was not well, that spot had basically pre-determined her family’s fate. If all was not well, she would cut down the tree with her own two hands.

Realizing how inane her thoughts were becoming Kagome shook herself. There was no use worrying before there was something to worry about.

She shuffled to the back door. Her feet reluctant. The fact that it still swung open lit a fire in her stomach. Its heat traveled through her chest and down her legs.

No, no, no. Kagome rushed into the entryway tossing all pretenses of calm to the winds. “Mama? Grandpa? Sota?”

The miko cased the kitchen, the living room, her grandfather’s bedroom. Then she made her way up the stairs. Her bedroom door hung crooked. A hinge snapped free from the wood. The window inside was still open. The pink curtain fluttering the breeze.

In the bathroom she received the first hint that her life would never be the same.

Blood, thick and crimson, climbed the wall in a sickening spatter. She covered her eyes with her hands, feeling her knees weaken. Kagome turned away from her grandfather’s lifeless eyes. He was naked, tangled in the blue dolphin shower curtain. A toothbrush still clutched in his hand.

Her heart shut down. Her lungs quit pumping air. Her brain ground to a halt. Mechanically she crossed the hall. Sota’s door was closed, but her mother’s was far worse. The missing top half alerted her sluggish mind to forced entry. Had she been so focused on her previous trip that she missed this?

Pushing her thought aside, she squeeze through the gap into the room. Absently, she noticed the oak dresser had been wedged against the entrance. They knew then. They knew he was coming. She shut her eyes tightly at the sight that greeted her.

~

“I wish I could come with you sis.” Her brother’s voice floated back to her. She had tousled his short hair and laughed. “You don’t want to meet some of the monsters I see kid.” He had said “keh,” emulating his hero, and walked away.

“Oh Kagome,” her mother’s arms enfolded her as they stood under the Goshinboku. Kagome drew in the soft scent of laundry detergent and a smell that was uniquely her mother. “I know you feel you have to do this and I won’t stand in your way. But sometimes I wish you had never fallen into that well. Then I could keep you here, safe.”

~

Safe. Wasn’t this side of the well supposed to be safe?

Huddled in the far corner lay a scene she would never forget in all the days she would live; Her mother shielding her younger brother in vain. And oh Kami the blood. It ran like a river into the beige shag carpet.

“You don’t want to meet some of the monsters I see kid.” But she had brought the monster with her.

For years afterward Kagome would try to put the pieces of lost time together. She would try to remember what occurred between her witnessing that awful carnage and the day she once again became aware of her surroundings. That section of her life was lost to her.

It was as if another person had gathered up all the supplies and memorabilia, tucking each item into the sheets turned sacks. She would never remember folding her clothes into neat little piles, grabbing her books, or removing her photo album from her closet. Kagome would never recall the way she had emptied the entire kitchen of food. She would only have two memories of that lost time. One of a last look at the tall skyscrapers of modern Tokyo lit up in the downtown lights. The second, of golden eyes and a magenta striped wrist helping her from the well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mama?” her son’s nose twitched. He hadn’t called her anything but mother in such a long time.

“Hm?” Kagome pulled herself from memory to look down at him.

His brow furrowed in concern. “Why are you crying?”

A surprised look crossed her face and she reached slightly trembling fingers up to touch her cheeks. Indeed, her face was wet.

Immediately her little girl was perched in her lap. “Are you alright Mama?”

She stared at the moisture gathered on her fingertips. It was an old ache, but her loss still hurt. “Yes sweetie. I’m alright.” The two children didn’t look convinced.

“So what happened? What did she find when she went in the house?” The young male asked. Kagome could see the carefully veiled fear in his eyes.

No, they were too young for the truth, even her son. His father may teach him to fight, and tell him of war and battle, but she would do no such thing to darken his childhood. Perhaps the memories were still too dark for her.

She swallowed and lied through her teeth. It was a story, they wouldn’t catch on to the deception. “Her family was safe.” Kagome fought to keep her voice from cracking. “They had been away for the day and were very confused when the miko ran into their house in the dead of night, calling their names in a panic. The young woman explained what had happened and stuffed away the horrid images that might have been, but for the strings of fate.”

A small wistful small crept onto her lips.

“There was a joyous reunion for the little miko. However, her happiness was tempered by what she knew must be done. She informed her family of the plan to seal the well, and they were all saddened by their coming separation.

“But duty and honor are important things. The resolve to stand when other’s will not is the true measure of strength, and her family knew this well. With many tears and prayers for happiness the miko took leave of her family, calling out her love for them as she leapt through the well for the last time.”

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The miko had been unresponsive for three days. His ward and the kit were in an uproar, constantly sniffling or trying to get the woman to eat. Her friends had attempted to pry reactions from her as well. Nothing had worked. All she did was sit and stare. Every now and then she would stroke her fingers through one of the children’s hair.

They had stayed in the forest near the elder miko’s village, a few clearings away from the well once it was sealed. It had been the taijiya’s request that they move. Sesshomaru could see no reason not to. He had disliked being in such an open area and had no desire to return to the village.

The residual scent on the miko when she climbed back out of the well had told the demon Lord everything. The half-breed had slaughtered her family. He had been surprised when she had taken his proffered hand without hesitance. But he had been shocked when, once she dumped the first bag onto the ground, she turned and jumped right back into the well. From her eyes Sesshomaru had been able tell she wasn’t all there, but on some level she was still functioning. The fact that she had apparently cleared out her home told him that.

It hurt him to see her so lost, hollowed out with grief. She looked so small and vulnerable sitting there, knees drawn up to her chest. He wanted her to rage at him, to blame him for not finding Inuyasha before this tragedy could befall her, just to see the spark in her eyes. Anything to keep her from being this shell of the girl who was always too brazen.

His feelings surprised him, though he ruefully thought they shouldn’t. He closed his eyes against the images of his own bloody past. Against the memories of a young frightened pup moaning out against his nightmares, his nurse shaking him awake with a concerned amethyst gaze.

The sun was dipping toward the Western horizon when a movement from the miko drew every eye in camp. It must have been the hundredth time Rin had attempted to coax the woman to drink, yet the girl still retained her patience. This time slender fingers reached out and wrapped around the water vessel, bringing it to chapped lips.

“Thank you Rin.” Her voice was scratchy with disuse.

Chocolate orbs went wide at the first words Kagome had spoken in days. Tentatively, the little girl reached out her arms, wrapping them around the miko as Rin settled herself into the woman’s lap. Her face buried against Kagome’s neck she whispered. “I miss my mama too.”

The statement was so simple and perceptive. Stressed all the more by her first person reference. Kagome buried her face into the girl’s hair and began to cry. The sound heartbreaking in its softness. There was no keening wail, perhaps that had been done on the other side of the well. Instead her sobs were deep and guttural, wracking her shoulders.

In a second she was trapped in the middle of a group hug between his ward, the slayer, monk, and kitsune. Even the fire-cat had made her way into the fray. Jaken blinked his bulbous yellow eyes before declaring he was off to fetch the elder miko.

Sesshomaru, himself, felt relieved. He had made the deduction that whatever the woman met on the other side of the portal would not break her. He was glad to see that he was correct. She would heal now. It would just take time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kagome cried herself sick. She sat in the onsen with Sango, feeling like she had just crawled from the seventh level of hell. Her eyes were red, her lips cracked, and sweat plastered her hair against her neck.

She submerged completely, roughly scrubbing her hands through her hair. The slight pain in her scalp felt good. At least she could feel something.

There was a numb empty hole in the middle of her being that the miko was afraid to prod at. It was like a creature in waiting, something black and angry that could devour her alive. ‘Is this some fraction of what Sango felt when she realized everyone she knew was dead?’ She broke the surface and was stopped short when she came nose to nose with the demon slayer.

Sango’s face was somber and she reached out to place her hands on the younger woman’s bare shoulders. “Don’t let it.”

Kagome blinked, her brows furrowed in confusion.

“You have something left to fight for.” Her next words were measured and strong. “You are not alone. Do not let it consume you.”

A beat passed, and Kagome felt something in her chest tighten and crumble. The miko’s forehead dropped against her sister’s shoulder. Tears fell from her face to slide down Sango’s collar bone. No, she was not alone.

Everyone in their odd pack, right down to Rin, had lost someone. Sango, her family. Her brother a puppet to the evil who ripped about their lives. Miroku, his father lost to a curse he was forced to fear every day. Shippo, his parents killed in a lust for jewel shards. Rin, her parents gone to the mindless wrath of bandits. Even Sesshomaru had lost his father, and Inuyasha... Her breathing hitched, abdominal muscles aching from the force of her sobs.

They stayed like that for awhile, simply holding each other, giving and taking strength from each other. Kagome wondered how her friend survived the bone crushing loss, because it felt like she was dying.

A rustle in the bushes made them pull apart. “My lovely ladies. I was beginning to fear for you safe-”

“Hentai!” A well aimed rock cut the monk off mid-sentence.

The familiarity of the situation caused a single weak laugh to escape Kagome. Sango continued to growl about insensitive perverts as the two girls tugged on their clothes. However the scene lacked something. That something was the red-clad hanyou who had sunk his claws into her world and shredded it.

She felt a surge of anger well up from within her. So Inuyasha had taken even this simple interaction away from her. It would not be the same. It would never be the same, and fury boiled in her veins.

As they walked back to camp Kagome tried to determine who or what it was she was more mad at. Inuyasha had done the deed, but it was his father’s demon blood that overwhelmed him. His father’s sword that didn’t bind him.

But Kagome had been the one to release Inuyasha and bring him through the well. It was her selfishness that kept the portal open. Her damned honor that caused her to keep returning to the Sengoku Jidai.

And then there was the well, fate, the Kamis. Whose grand design was it that she became the protector of the Shikon? Had she known the cost, Kagome would have less than politely declined.

Or maybe she was mad at Kikyo for dying before she could rid the world of the jewel. For being reincarnated 500 years in the future at a shrine with a magical time portal. For not killing Inuyasha when she had the chance.

Is this hate? She wondered. Did she hate Inuyasha now? Kagome sifted through her feelings and thoughts for a moment. No, she didn’t hate him. She was angry, but she knew the hanyou she had loved would never have done what he did if in his right mind. Kagome could no more hate Inuyasha than Sango could her brother.

It was all circumstance. A grand collision of events that had lead to tragedy. She didn’t hate Inuyasha. Kagome hated fate. She hated being a pawn for the Kamis, but she knew it would continue. There was no going back home and sealing the well behind her, cuddling safe into her mother‘s arms. There was nothing to go back to there anyway. Destiny had herded her in the direction it desired.

But she was not alone, and she had family left to fight for. Miroku, her brother, Sango, her sister, Shippo and Rin, her children. In that moment of anguish she swore to herself that as long as there was breath in her body none of them would ever be alone again. Sango was right, she couldn’t let this consume her.

Her jaw tightened and determination flared in her chest. A small piece of the darkness within her faded as she made her decision.

“Sango,” the elder woman turned to her. “Will you teach me how to fight?”

The taijiya blinked. “But Kagome, you already know the basics of swordsmanship.”

“Yeah, but I'm not very good. He never let me get very good.”

Sango searched her friend’s face, knowing which he she had referred to. A request like this was not completely unexpected. After all, the taijiya knew about wanting vengeance, but she had the advantage of already being trained. “Of course I’ll teach you Kagome.” She just wondered who Kagome would take her vengeance from. Would she really fight Inuyasha?

“Thanks Sango. Can we start tomorrow?” All Kagome wanted to do right then was have some more time to think away from prying eyes. She was exhausted but... She shivered. There would be nightmares again.

“Tomorrow. Sure. We’ll start in the morning okay?”

Kagome nodded. The smell of roasting meat carried on the breeze as the two women walked into camp.

Rin was on her feet as soon as they came into view. “Look Kagome-nee-chan. Lord Sesshomaru brought us a deer!”

A small smile crept onto the miko’s face. The little girl hopped about in excitement, happiness pouring off her in waves. She grabbed Kagome’s hand and drug her across the clearing to the fire. When the two sat down Shippo bounded over and nuzzled his face into his mother’s neck.

Her lips pursed slightly as she looked across the fire to meet Sesshomaru’s golden gaze. Kagome gave a small nod. “Thank you, Lord Sesshomaru.”

His eyes widened at the addition of the honorific.

Kaede’s warbling voice broke the demon Lord from his confusion. “What will you do now child?”

There was no hesitation in Kagome’s reply, but she bit her lip all the same. “What else? Gather the shards.”

The elder woman nodded. She had expected as much. The time traveling miko was made of tougher stuff than most others gave her credit for. A tingling sensation along the back of her neck caused her to stiffened.

Kagome felt it at roughly the same time. Her teeth grit together at the feeling. It was a definite tugging on her soul. She let out a low human growl that startled the rest of camp.

“What is it Kagome?” Sango asked.

The younger miko rose to her feet slowly, and reached over to pick up her bow and arrows. Seeing this, Miroku and Sango immediately took up battle positions.

“I have no patience for your games tonight.” Kagome stated clearly to the trees. “Come out or leave,” she commanded.

The eyes of the shard hunters snapped to her. A mixture of wonder, confusion, and worry played across their faces. Since when had their friend sounded so...authoritative?

Kagome’s anger swelled when Kikyo stepped from the forest. The undead miko’s face was emotionless. ‘If she says the wrong thing to me right now I may just shoot her,’ Kagome mused.

“Are you aware of Inuyasha’s change?” Kikyo began without preamble. Her soul collectors weaved through the woods behind her.

The pain lanced through Kagome again. Her fingers twitched, itching to release an arrow. She bit out her response. “Yes.”

Kikyo’s black eyes surveyed the group pausing on her sister, and then on her reincarnation. “Then you are aware the Tetsusaiga no longer binds his blood.”

Before Kagome could open her mouth to tell Kikyo to get on with it, Sesshomaru’s voice cut through the night. “The motive for your presence, or your death.”

The undead priestess narrowed her eyes at the inu youkai. It was not an idle threat. “Very well. I seek the reason for his change and to warn you that Naraku will attack while you are divided. Though I see you are not as weak as he believes.”

Ever the diplomat Miroku responded. “We do not know the cause for Inuyasha’s transformation Lady Kikyo.”

Her gaze turned back to her reincarnate. “The jewel shards-”

“Are mine,” Kagome finished. No one was here to stop her from speaking her mind this time, and she was certainly in the mood to do so.

Kikyo’s lips turned down in a scowl. “You do not belong here, return to your-”

Again Kagome cut her off. This time with the chock of an arrow being loaded into her bow. “Finish that thought, and I’ll finish you.”

The vehemence in her words and promise on her face stunned the rest of the original shard hunters. The undead miko’s scowl deepened but she did not continue. Instead she merely turned around and strode back into the shadows. When her presence dissipated Kagome relaxed some.

“Are you alright, Lady Kagome?” Miroku gave her a concerned look.

The miko plopped back down onto her sleeping bag and dropped her bow. “Yeah Miroku. I’m alright.” Rin immediately climbed into her lap, instinctively knowing the touch would sooth the elder woman.

“I believe ye meat is finished.” Kaede’s voice dissolved the momentary silence.

Sango cocked her head in confusion before the elder miko gestured toward the fire. “Oh!” The taijiya hurried to remove the food from the flame.

The meal passed in quiet conversation. Each person threw out conjectures about the reason for Inuyasha’s transformation, or opinions on Kikyo’s warning. Everyone agreed the jewel shard in the hanyou’s chest was cause for worry and suspicion. When the air once
again became damp and chill Miroku escorted Kaede back to her hut.

For a long while Kagome lay awake, staring up at the stars. She felt so hollow. Her mind turned over recent events like a child with a puzzle. ‘My family is dead.’ Kagome tried the thought out, attempting to wrap her head around it. The pain felt like she was impaled by something blunt through her chest. It was jagged and full of splinters. ‘I’m never going home again.’ An invisible noose tightened around her neck, making it difficult to breathe. Sensing her unrest in their sleep, Shippo and Rin turned toward her, each burrowing closer to her sides.

A children’s rhyme popped into her thoughts. ‘No more homework. No more books. No more teacher’s dirty looks.’ The laughter in her head was bitter. She had already chosen hadn’t she? She had chosen this era when she didn’t apply for college after graduation. The well being sealed, her family being...dead...it just made things permanent.

But that wasn’t the problem. Regardless of which era she had stayed in, her family was supposed to be well and happy. Tears slipped silently down her cheeks and she wondered if they would ever stop. Would it make her a bad person if they did stop?

The morbid part of her brain forced her to wonder how long it would take for someone to find her family. What would the police think when they saw the inside of her, once, home?

She cried harder, wishing she had thought to call someone, wishing she could have been there for their funerals. They would be buried next to her father. All the Higurashi’s in a row, save her. She was in the Sengoku Jidai, and if she had a grave marker it would be long crumbled before her grandfather was even born. Did that mean she had greeted her family in the afterlife already? The implications of time travel tied her musings into knots.

A shooting star streaked overhead and she wished. She wished she wasn’t born with the jewel in her body. She wished she wasn’t the reincarnation of an ancient priestess. She wished she was a normal girl who went shopping with her friends. Whose biggest decision in life was what to be when she grew up. Who ever wanted to be a time traveling miko responsible for a stupid sacred jewel? Who ever wanted to be her?

As she drifted off to sleep, she wished she wasn’t Kagome Higurashi...

...but she was.

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AN:

Indigo: Well then, the decision was made. This is what I was freaking out about when I posted last week.

Sessho: Indeed, she had a minor break down and hid in her closet. Disgraceful.

Indigo: Shut up. When I was writing this was the way the story originally went, but I started to second guess myself. In the end I sucked it up and went with the way the story wanted to go instead of the way I wanted it to go. Either way I’m still a tad bit nervous.

Thank you once again to my wonderful reviewers, even though I've been a bad bad author and put this off too long. I'm planning on having this story updated every Sunday from now on.