Withholding

© Salome Wilde, 2008

Withholding

Chapter 6

Running from Sesshomaru was, of course, pointless. Rin’s eyes swam with tears that were whipped away from her face as she sprinted through the underbrush. She had no idea where she was going, but it was a flight of the heart far more than of the body. She felt Sesshomaru’s aura wash over her, like ocean waves that threatened to take her under. And though her mind’s mantra was “let me go,” her soul’s was “bring me back.” She knew she could not survive if he separated himself from her again and she knew he would never accept her as his equal. But was this as much as he could give? Bellowing at her as if she were an enemy? Commanding that they would never have a child because anything produced from her body was necessarily inadequate, weak, and therefore disgusting to him?

So, she withdrew her aura. It was mostly a defensive gesture, a drawing of boundaries. But it also felt powerful, more powerful than she could ever remember being. It scared her terribly that she could actually do it. The look in his eyes and the sound of his gasp—she thought him truly incapable of feeling shock—replayed over and over again in her frenzied mind. While his reaction showed her that he, too, could be hurt, didn’t she already know this? Was she just being vengeful? Immature? Self-deluding?

Would they always hurt each other, or was there a way to peace?

After only the few moments it took for these thoughts to rush through her as she fled, Sesshomaru was standing in her path, immovable and resolute. “Rin,” he said, the word a command.

Rin stopped just short of running into him. She froze there but could not raise her eyes. She was panting to catch her breath. She had not realized how fast she’d been running. ::Idiot,:: she scolded herself. ::What are you doing?::

“Lower the barrier,” he ground out.

She heard the anger in his voice and felt the agitation in his soul. What should she do? She hated keeping him barred from her, but it she gave in now, what hopes were there for happiness in the future? At the same time, she could not deny that this was a futile strategy.

“Now, Rin.”

She felt a rush of pain pouring from Sesshomaru into her. And she felt the way he controlled it, twisted it into anger to direct it outwards and away from his heart. He loathed being vulnerable, and she now felt that loathing, viscerally. She fell to her knees and covered her face.

He reached forward, grabbed her by the shoulder, and pulled her to her feet. “I will not ask you again, Rin” he warned.

Rin cowered in his grasp. “You promised, Sesshomaru,” she wailed. “You said you would never hurt me again!” She began to shake.

“Let me in, Rin,” he urged, both hands on her shoulders now. She felt his claws begin to dig into her, though he was clearly controlling himself so as not to truly harm her. In a quiet, anguished voice, he added, “Please.”

Rin could take no more. She slumped into his arms, overwhelmed with his pain and her own. It was worse, even, than when he had closed himself off from her. She could feel all of what he was going through as well as her own suffering and turmoil. And there was no point to it. What the hell was she doing?

She released the barrier and threw herself at Sesshomaru’s chest, sobbing. He released his claws and pressed her close, inhaling deeply. There were no words now. Neither accusation nor blame flowed between them, nor was there need of forgiveness. There was only relief and reunion, a soothing of mutually savaged hearts. Recognition triumphed over all else: they were each other’s, completely. Though it hit them at the level of sensation more than rational thought, both knew that denial of this fact could only produce mutual agony.

They stayed that way, in a timeless, healing embrace, for long moments. Rin wished it could always be this way: waves of reassurance washing over her instead of pain, indecision, doubt, and conflict. Let him love her this much, this deeply, always. Without question, without judgment, without end. “Sesshomaru-sama,” she breathed.

With elegant, liquid smoothness, Sesshomaru came to a sitting position and cradled Rin tenderly. She felt so safe here, secure and cherished and loved, with a depth beyond her wildest childhood fantasies. Where had all her fury, her indignation, and her rebelliousness gone? She did not know: all of life was in the present moment and in Sesshomaru’s strong arms. ::Just hold me close, my Sesshomaru,:: she thought, ::and I will never ask for more.::

“There is nothing more that I crave from you than this,” Sesshomaru said, unexpectedly, echoing Rin’s enraptured mind. But he continued, still holding her tightly: “Yet, there is more that must be said between us. You know this is not the way I wish to communicate, but it seems we are too different to rely only on the sensory bond of mates. And I would not have us hurt one another again.”

Rin took a deep breath and sat up in Sesshomaru’s lap. She turned her eyes up to his. “I am sorry I hurt you,” she said, with grave sincerity.

“And I regret having driven you to it, Rin.”

“I love you, Sesshomaru.”

“Yet you do not accept me as I am.”

“How can I, when you have such loathing for my kind?”

“I have told you, Rin. I accept and treasure you as my mate. And I desire you in a way I have never desired another living soul. That must be enough.”

Rin pushed out of his arms, wanting their eyes at a level. She sat opposite and confronted him, her voice less confident than she wished it were: “What of your hatred of other humans…and of their hanyo young?”

“You speak now of Inuyasha’s mate and their child.”

“Do you wish them harm?”

“Why do you ask such foolish questions, Rin?”

“It’s not foolish! I want to know!” Rin proclaimed, rising. Looking down at Sesshomaru’s still form, she persisted: “Did you try to kill their baby? Is that how you got that arrow wound?”

Rin could feel the struggle within Sesshomaru as he remained motionless. With a powerful urgency, he wanted to rise and move away from her. To return to his usual, haughty indifference. But he did not. She wished she were not so afraid of his answer that she could not project her gratitude for at least this.

“That you suspect me of wishing harm to Inuyasha, I understand. The hanyo—my brother—and I have long fought over my father’s legacy, over his manipulation of our lives from beyond the grave. I do not consider Inuyasha a worthy heir, as much for his rashness and immaturity as because he is hanyo. But my father did, preferring him over me, even, for the compassion he gets from his human mother.” He reached out a hand to touch Rin’s black, flowing hair. “And I understand this now, because of you.”

Rin could not help but be pleased, though she did not move or speak, knowing there was far more for Sesshomaru to say to relieve her troubled mind.

Sesshomaru went on, fingering her hair as he spoke. “Since our defeat of Naraku and my attainment of true daiyokai status, Rin, I have left my brother in peace. He must live his life as I must live mine. It is not necessary that we understand one another.”

She breathed in the aura of Sesshomaru’s confident honesty. He was telling the truth, and it was a truth she relished. However, it was incomplete. Of that, she was certain. “Yet the arrow, Sesshomaru,” she said. “As your mate, will you tell me how it happened?”

“Yes, Rin. Because you need this knowledge to be at ease with me, I will tell you. But first, sit with me again; let me hold you and calm your heart. I pledge to you that nothing I will tell you of that day will drive you from me.”

Rin acquiesced. In truth, she wanted nothing more than to be held in those arms. And if he could reassure her that he meant no ill toward Inuyasha’s child, toward human or hanyo—then perhaps they could work out the rest. Perhaps.

Once in his lap again, it was just as Sesshomaru had said. His aura lulled and drew her, and she could feel his comfort rise as well. How easily this could turn to passion, she grew swiftly aware, so strong was the chemical magnetism between them. Yet, with his customary control, Sesshomaru directed his energy entirely toward reassurance and calm. Rin was grateful for his power and self-command; sexual intimacy was not what they needed right now. She wrapped an arm around his small waist and curled into his embrace. He returned to gently stroking her thick ebony hair.

When he did not immediately speak again, Rin prompted him. “Sesshomaru, do you know who it was who fired the arrow?”

“Of course, Rin,” Sesshomaru answered smoothly, as if he had not needed encouragement to get him talking again. “The little fox demon.” He brought a strand of her hair to his lips and rubbed it against them.

Rin watched his graceful movements, awed. No matter the provocation or the threat, he was still the most magnificent being in the world.

He released her hair and spoke again. “He disguised himself as Kikyo, but such weak magic does not fool a daiyokai. I let the fool’s arrow pierce me, not knowing it was dipped in a poison that could affect me. It did not occur to me he would go to such lengths. And, since I am telling you all, my mate, I add that I did not dodge the arrow because I knew he felt he was protecting Inuyasha’s infant, and I should not have come so near it.”

“So, you did seek them out, then? And you vow that it was not to harm the babe?”

A flicker of pain came to Rin through Sesshomaru’s scent. He hated her doubts, but she had to give voice to them. Without openness and honesty, there would never be full accord between them.

“I vow to you, Rin. I did not seek to harm Inuyasha’s child…or his mate.”

His aura shifted again as he spoke, and Rin picked up hesitation, discomfort. Though her instinct was reassure him with words, she sought another route. Closing her eyes and breathing softly, she filled her heart with her unchecked adoration, her need for his happiness and contentment.

Sesshomaru sighed. “Even as you doubt me, you send forth such self-assured confidence in me. How can I do otherwise than confess all?” As Rin blushed, he told her the rest of what she needed to hear: “I wished to see for myself how they lived, to determine whether the human Kagome was truly happy with my hanyo brother. You see, I had begun to desire you, Rin. And though Inuyasha is my inferior, I share his need for a mate. As a hanyo, he is contented to give birth to another. I saw the satisfaction with which they live their small lives now that Naraku has been destroyed and the Shikon jewel has been purified. My life and my destiny are not so simple. Yet, my needs are in some ways the same. I observed them in secret several times, both before and after the infant was born. And I sensed their happiness. My final visit was when that kitsune attacked me. He must have spotted me on a previous occasion and had the poison prepared for my next appearance.”

“It was Kikyo who made the poison for him, Sesshomaru. She did not know it would be used against you.”

“She interferes too much,” he said calmly, his scent belying his discomfort at Rin’s mere mention of her name. “And it is Inuyasha’s job to protect his mate and offspring, not the kitsune’s.”

“But Shippo was protecting those he cares for, Sesshomaru. Not only his own yokai mate and children, but his friends, too. Like Jaken tries to protect you.”

“Jaken is my vassal, not my friend, Rin. And I need no one’s protection.”

Rin let the topic drop, for they were getting to the most difficult part of the conversation, and she could sense already that Sesshomaru was feeling the strain. As if in acknowledgment, he fell silent again.

“And though they were happy, you found their ‘offspring’ repellant?” she asked.

“I will not create a hanyo life, Rin. Do not ask me to.”

“Sesshomaru,” implored Rin, “Do not assume so much. I have no desire to create any life other than our own together right now. You do me wrong to presume otherwise.”

“All human women desire—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence!” Rin snapped. “You are speaking to me, not to ‘all human women’.” She mimicked his deep dispassionate voice with perfect accuracy.

Sesshomaru nearly grinned. In her sweet alto voice, his own pomposity was reflected back to him, and he was forced to admit its condescension. “Very well, Rin. Let us talk about you. I have no intention of leaving you unfulfilled, even if I must withhold my seed from you.”

“And what of your pleasure? What delight is there in a mate who denies the fulfillment of his desire?”

“Rin, what would you have me do?”

The open vulnerability of the question melted Rin’s heart. There was promise here, and hope. In this territory, they were both equally inexperienced, and so she was equally capable of taking the lead. “I will find a way, my mate. Have confidence in me as I have in you. There must be ways that humans keep from becoming with-child. I will learn about those ways for us.”

“You are a proud and obstinate creature, Rin.”

“I learned it from my master.” She smiled brightly and leaned up to kiss him warmly. He returned the kiss eagerly, taking control by weaving his fingers into her hair and parting her lips with his tongue. The embrace was itself a pact and expression of optimism for the future. Rin began to moan as the kiss deepened, and she felt the evidence of Sesshomaru’s desire rise and press into her thigh.

She broke the kiss and pushed off of his lap with a grin. She stepped away to unfasten her robe and let it fall from her. Enjoying his gaze on her young body, she purred, “Right now, my master and my mate, I think it is time for you to ‘mark’ me anew.” She sank to her hands and knees and arched her back. “But this time, at my request.”

Sesshomaru rose in a flash. Her scent told him all he needed to know about her awareness of what she offered, her trust in him, and the height of her arousal. He stripped and brought his lissome body to cover hers, sliding his cool skin over her warmth and feeling her shudder beneath him. He pressed forward and slipped his shaft between her thighs but did not enter her. Instead, he brought his hand around to touch and tease her as he rubbed himself across and through her slick folds. She dropped her head fully forward, and the dog in him could not resist the temptation to nip at her exposed neck and shoulders.

“Claim me now,” Rin begged in a husky voice that Sesshomaru barely recognized.

“You are mine,” Sesshomaru proclaimed as he reared back and thrust home.

Rin was more than ready for him this time, full of confident love that could conquer all and a mature desire that had been tested and proved resilient and unquenchable. She arched her back further and drove her hips backward, matching Sesshomaru’s power and spurring his need. The depth and angle of the thrusts, combined with his hand still toying with her wet, hardening bud, whipped her to a climax that was as overwhelming as it was sudden. Her quivering muscles drove Sesshomaru nearly to the edge after her, and he withdrew and stroked into his hand. He would not disgrace her as he had done before but would release onto the earth beside them.

Rin turned at his sudden withdrawal and crouched, like an animal, before him. Feeling both deliciously wanton and like the very goddess of desire that her daiyokai Lord deserved, she took his hard and sticky member into her mouth and sucked. He groaned and released his fist from around the shaft as she brought her small hands to take control. She caressed and urged him on, tasting her own sweet tang and his incomparable ghostly musk along the satin-smooth length of him. It was so exciting to have him once again in her control this way. It had been so long. He swelled within her mouth and throat, and she let her tongue swirl around him with each upstroke until she knew he could bear no more of the sweet torture. She increased her pace, and he unleashed with a glorious howl. The liquid torrent of his desire rushed down her throat and she swallowed every drop, then brought her lips up to be kissed, that he too might savor the richness of their combined tastes. He devoured her mouth hungrily as his body shook and a possessive growl lingered in his throat.

The two lay back in the grass, Rin wrapped in Sesshomaru’s protective arm. The sun poured down its sweet warmth on them, and they basked as well in the glow of shared affection and commitment. The future no doubt held challenges, but it also held the promise of a love far greater than any challenge could withstand.

~the end~

Author’s Note: It has been SO bittersweet finishing this final chapter. I do not want to end this story arc, for several reasons: first, I absolutely treasure the reviewers who’ve been encouraging me and praising the work and I don’t want to lose you as readers; it’s felt like a little community of supportive friends, truly. And second, I just hate good-byes—even happy endings are still little deaths, and I don’t want to let my version of these characters go. *sad sigh* So. Please review, and let me know whether you’re ready to let this rest and perhaps read some of my other work, and/or if I need to somehow find a way to keep them going by adding some new conflicts and challenges for them. (I don’t do death or babies, please! Hmmm…maybe Rin needs to force a reconciliation between Sesshomaru and Inuyasha and it can make Sesshomaru insecure and jealous that she’s putting so much energy in that direction? Or they have to rescue Jaken together and Sesshomaru has to see and admit that Rin is both an increasingly good fighter and increasingly in danger if she fights beside him? Or maybe Rin wakes up to discover that her bond with Sesshomaru has given her some hanyo type powers and he has to deal with her being hanyo and what it means to/for him? Oh, my mind is working feverishly! Can you tell I hate endings yet?!?)