To Be Alive Again

A/N: Sorry for the delayed updates on my stuff. Here’s an update. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or Yu Yu Hakusho. They belong to their respective owners. I make no profit from my writing.



To Be Alive Again
Chapter 6
Discovery


Kagome couldn’t believe her good fortune. Even with her abysmal grades, she had managed to get a few scholarships and was able to get into a local university from Genkai’s shrine. She decided to try her hand at a History degree, seeing as how it was her strongest point. She had been busier than ever since the fall semester started, and she wasn’t the only one. Kurama was also enrolled in the University and working his way towards a bachelor’s of science degree in pharmacy. Though the kitsune was financially secure for life, he still felt the need to learn more, and especially at Youko’s prompting, he went ahead with his plans.

Though they went to the same University, neither got to see each other that often, however, Hiei often found himself sitting in one of the large oak trees on campus, waiting for Kagome to be done for the day with her classes. It was boring at Genkai’s without her around, and he even felt a bit of loneliness when she wasn’t near him. He was comfortable with her presence, and even though he hadn’t yet spoke to her about much of anything of his past, he knew all about her, and felt privileged to know what even the others did not know.

He had seen how she was treated in the past by the inu-hanyou. He could feel what she had felt when seeing him betray her. Unfortunately, he felt similar betrayal from many different sources throughout his lifetime.

Simply put, he was still unsure if he could trust her completely. He didn’t know if he –wanted- to trust her completely. No one had his complete trust, except for Kurama and Yukina. His thoughts went to a conversation that he had had with Kurama some time ago, before he had become fully comfortable with the team. He could remember a specific retort he had said. “Kurama, there is no one in the world who does not carry scars on his heart, if there were someone like that he would be a shallow soul. He couldn’t help but think of Kagome now when he thought back to what he had said.

The girl carried many, many scars on her heart, and it did not make her shallow or weak, proving true his statement. He had seen for himself how much stronger it had made her. She had been betrayed far worse than anyone else he had come in contact with, and if anything, he identified with her pain. She, however, only showed a smile and a kind word to anyone who would look more closely at her.

She intrigued him, and she had since the first day he met her. She never treated him poorly, even when he was in a foul mood and snapped at her. She never raised her voice to him or any of her friends except when they really did something horrible, like when Keiko had been cheating on Yusuke. Yusuke. Even the thought of the toushin made Hiei’s heart race, and his youkai growl. The boy had become close to Kagome…much too close for the hiyoukai’s comfort.

He didn’t know what this emotion was, for he had never experienced it before, but it made him want to go after Yusuke and fight him for the right to even be near Kagome. She was sweet hearted, kind, and strong, everything that anyone would want to look for in a companion. Until now, he hadn’t had any feelings or urges to lay claim to a female, let alone a human one. That was then, and this was now, and now, he wanted to be with Kagome whenever he could. She gave him peace that he rarely had experienced, and he didn’t know if it were her powers, or if it were just her overall presence, but he didn’t care. As long as he could be near her, his youkai was content, and he was content. To him, there was nothing wrong with wanting to be near someone else, as long as that someone else didn’t mind.

Thankfully, Kagome welcomed the smaller demon’s company.

She currently was walking out of one of the buildings on campus, and she could instantly feel Hiei’s presence. She had been seeking it out every day since the first time he was outside waiting for her to get out of school, and it always put a smile on her face, no matter how bad she was feeling. He was someone she was starting to really get to know and trust, and she didn’t mind his constant presence in the corner of her mind. He was moody at times, and sometimes disappeared for days on end, but he always came back to Genkai’s shrine, and took the time to check up on her, even if he never said anything, and it made her glad to think that he thought even a little fondly of her, unlike Inuyasha in the past.

As a small grin came to the girl’s face, she slung her backpack more securely onto her shoulder and walked up to the tree that Hiei currently was in. He didn’t look down at her and she frowned, wondering what was wrong. Setting her backpack down, she reached out and began climbing up the tree, easily maneuvering up the large oak and coming to rest on one of the branches near him. “Hey…” she said quietly, not wanting to startle him.

Glancing lightly from the branch he was staring up into, Hiei’s blood red eyes locked with sapphire and Kagome smiled at him, though her concern was evident. “…are you okay?” she asked softly, shifting to straddle the branch that Hiei was sitting on so she could look at him fully.

“Hn. I am fine. Are you done with your schooling for the day?” he asked, avoiding her piercing stare. She was the only one he had allowed to look at him as she did, and he often wondered if the girl had just made him take leave of his good senses. In the end however, he decided that he did not really care, just as long as she was near.

She smiled a little more before nodding. “Yup. I’m done for the weekend, and I don’t have any big projects or homework assignments due, so I can relax a little. Want to go somewhere? We could catch a movie, or go out for ice cream...” she had discovered that little vice of the apparitions, and she didn’t miss the little glint now in his eyes at the mention of the frozen sugary food.

Hiei just gave her a little look that told her he wanted to go for the food humans called “ice cream”. It was frozen, but melted in one’s mouth, and he enjoyed the different sweetened flavors that it came in. He currently had tried many varieties of the food, but he knew that humans were always creating new flavors, and he didn’t mind trying to at least taste all of them.

The miko nodded again before saying, “Alrighty then, that’s decided. Let’s go to the ice cream stand by the park. That way we can walk around with our ice cream. It’s such a nice day out ” she smiled before hopping down from the tree in one fell swoop and landed gracefully on her feet. She had never had such grace before but Genkai had been training her in balancing exercises and thus improving her flexibility and movements.

Hiei held in a smirk at her antics. She was always in a chipper mood, and though it bothered him sometimes because she didn’t share what she was really feeling, he didn’t let it bother him. He often kept things hidden inside, and he would not expect her to open up when he himself would not. He followed her lead and hopped down to the ground before watching her pick up her backpack. It always seemed too large for her tiny frame, but he knew that sometimes great strength came in small packages.

She walked on at a slow pace, enjoying the bit of free time she had with her favorite fire apparition. He was quiet, as usual, but his presence was comforting, as always. “Hey...Hiei?” she spoke quietly, turning to look at the hiyoukai, a mix of emotions on her face.

He looked to her, shaken out of his thoughts for the moment at her softly spoken question and the look on her face.

“...I...” she blushed lightly before saying, “...thanks for coming to pick me up everyday. I like it when you do.” she paused for a moment, watching for his expression. Hiei was slightly shocked, though he took care not to show it. He was glad that she enjoyed their time together, and he could hear and feel the genuine gratification in her voice towards him, and it made his beast purr with contentment.

“You are welcome, Kagome....” he trailed off a moment before saying in almost a whisper, “...I enjoy our time together as well.”

The smile that radiated from the miko was ten times larger than before as she replied softly, “I have a lot of things to thank you for, actually, but I think that’s the one thing I enjoy most that you have done for me.”

That remark confused him. What else had he done to deserve her thanks? At his obvious confusion she walked a little closer to him so no one else could hear their conversation. “When you leave for the Makai, and then come back...I know you come to check up on me...and I appreciate it...so very much.” she gave him a soft smile before saying, “...I think...you’re the first person to actually do that...” as she spoke, a faraway look came to her eye. “In the past...I had to take care of myself, and bank on myself...alone...mostly. Sango and Miroku helped protect me when we were attacked, but...no one really checked up on me. We were usually too busy tracking jewel shards to really make friends or have enough time to be looked in on, even when we stayed at Kaede’s village.” She sighed gently before looking up to the sky. She didn’t want to think about the other things that were always mulling around in her mind, the most prominent being Inuyasha. He never checked up on her, and he often left to be with Kikyou. The relationship was very much one sided, and even now, it hurt to think about it. She knew that one day the pain would fade, she just hoped it was soon. She was trying to move on, and with her new friends, it was getting easier and easier to get through the days without thinking of him.

Hiei watched the different emotions filter across her face and was surprised to find that she was actually showing her frustration and sadness in front of him. Whenever she was around the toushin, she was always found with a smile and a laugh, but he was coming to find that around him, she was more honest with her emotions.

“Kagome...do you often think of the hanyou?” he asked, the thought being spoken before he could stop it. Quickly, he looked to the ground, in case she reprimanded him for his question. He wasn’t used to having a leash of sorts on his curiosity, but he didn’t want to hurt her with his burning questions.

The miko looked over to the fire apparition before smiling softly. She liked it when he asked questions and actually talked with her. It made her own conversations less trivial. Sometimes, when she was around him, she often wondered if she were talking to herself, for the lack of conversation that the hybrid involved himself in. Placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, she replied softly, “Often...I guess you could say that.”

At her touch, he looked up, but at her answer, he tore his eyes away. Would she ever get over that damnable hanyou that hurt her so? What was it about her still thinking of the inu-hanyou that irritated him so much? He hated that she still thought of him, and wondered why she even would. He would not think so persistently on those that had hurt him...would he? His own internal dialogue just answered his own question. He did often think of those in the past who had hurt him, and shaped him into who he was today, a rather untrusting demon, who was virtually alone on the planet, save for Yukina, and his friends in the tantei.

Kagome’s face turned sad as she saw him look away. Had she said something wrong? “I think of him when I’m trying to decide what to do with my life. He had always called me weak, and stupid, and said that I was only a replacement for Kikyou, so now, I am trying to be better, by becoming stronger, and becoming a better fighter...and even becoming smarter...” her voice softened further before she asked, “...do you understand?”

He listened quietly to her explanation, before saying, “Yes...I understand more than you know.” It was identical to his situation. He had to become stronger to make his way in the world, and then to start his search for his sister, and then to protect her. This girl thought along similar lines, and it made a foreign ache settle in his chest. She was female, and human, and yet, she was unlike anyone else he had ever come across. The similarities between them were hard to acknowledge.

Now, it was her turn to be confused as she looked at him. “May I ask...what you meant by that?” she asked quietly, her eyes intently focused on him.

He looked to her before letting a soft sigh escape his lips. Those barriers that he had put up around his entire being had been subject to destruction since he met Yusuke all those years ago, and now, even a female was at those walls, testing their strength with her kindness and heart. Could he so easily turn her away and not answer her questions? Could he so easily push her away, like everyone else? These questions and more bounced around his mind as he walked beside her before he said quietly, “I understand that...many times...it is others that force one to change themselves. It doesn’t always have to be one person or demon though...it can be many...over the course of ones life.”

Kagome stayed silent as he spoke before she nodded softly. She understood perfectly what he was saying, even if he wasn’t exactly spelling it out for her. He had experienced similar trials throughout his life, and at that moment, she felt not so alone in the world. He was someone who really understood what she had went through, and was currently going through, and it was something that pushed her heart into hyperdrive. She didn’t really know anyone else who could understand her motives better than he did, and it put her whole relationship with him in perspective.

Her silence worried him a moment before he saw a foreign look on her face, as if she were contemplating a lot of things at once. “Kagome?” he questioned quietly, trying to get her attention without startling her.

Said miko was currently lost in though as she went over a lot of things that had happened in her life, from her days spent with Inuyasha, to returning to this era, and even meeting the rekai tantei. That one statement by Hiei had her thinking about who she was working for now. Was it just to show up a person that she would probably never meet again? Or was it in case she ever met Inuyasha again to prove to him that he was wrong about her in all aspects of her life. “Really...” she wondered aloud, “...why am I even trying so hard? It’s not like it will make any difference...”

Hiei paused at her spoken words and frowned. ‘Trying so hard for what?’ he questioned mentally. What was she thinking about right now that had her so confused? “Kagome?” he questioned again, this time stopping in the middle of the path they were walking on. Before he could stop himself he asked a question that he had never really asked before, “...talk to me? What are you thinking?”

Startled slightly by that question, from him of all people, she just stared at him a moment, making the hiyoukai shift uncomfortably for a few moments before she answered, “I was just thinking about the past...again. I’m doing all these things, becoming stronger, enrolled back in school...but I don’t know if it’s really for me or not. I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to become better, because...if I say it’s to become better than Kikyou, that’s senseless. I’ll never meet her again, so there’s no one to say, ‘Oh yes, you are much better than her.’ And I’ll never see Inuyasha again, so he won’t ever be there to say, ‘I was wrong, you’re not ugly, dumb, and weak.’ So...I don’t know why I’m trying so hard...when no one is going to be there to say that I’m not any of those things...” by the time she finished speaking, her voice was a mere whisper. Was she always going to walk around with this complex over her head? Trying to be better than someone who lived five-hundred years ago? Trying to impress a half-demon who made it obviously clear that he wanted nothing to do with her? Trying to make her existence worth something to herself?

Hiei was stunned in quiet silence for a moment as he processed her words. Did that hanyou’s opinion mean that much to her? Did his words really mean that much to her that they, even now, affected her sense of self worth? The hanyou obviously didn’t care too highly about the miko before him, however, that was the hanyou. Hiei cared a great deal about her, and though she seemed to recognize it, to her, it probably seemed impossible for anyone to care for her on a greater level other than friendship.

“Kagome...you don’t need to prove yourself to him anymore. The past is past...” the hiyoukai wasn’t sure what else to say in this situation. He wasn’t one for emotions, and certainly couldn’t be called an expert in the field. Furthermore, he was in no way, shape, or form, a psychologist, and couldn’t really analyze how Kagome was feeling about her insecurities and how she was feeling about proving her self worth to the world.

She looked over to him before saying softly, “I wish I could think like you, Hiei. You never let anyone affect you they way I have been affected. If people yell at you, or call you names, you either let it go, or are strong enough to stop them from doing it again. You never let it hurt you here...” she pointed to her heart as she spoke. “...like me. I care too much...and it just continues to hurt me. Like when Keiko hurt Yusuke...I made the pain he felt my own...I couldn’t just be there for him as a friend, I had to make the pain he felt personal...I think that’s why I was around Inuyasha as long as I was...and I always forgave him when he hurt me. I understood that he had a tough life, and that his first love would always be Kikyou, and not me. There was just no room in his heart for me, even as a friend.” she sighed gently before saying, “I had a few admirers in the Feudal Era, but I never spared them a second glance. Somehow in the end, I ended up alone.” the sad smile that came to her face made a pang of anger and hurt shoot through Hiei’s heart. She wasn’t alone, because he was with her, why couldn’t she seem to understand that?

“You’re not alone now, Kagome.” he said, trying to keep his voice in check. What could he do to prove that she was worthy of love, from him, or even, begrudgingly he admitted, from Yusuke? She was a being worth more than the world, if only she could see that she was envied and admired by many around them.

She gave him a light smile before saying, “Thank you, Hiei. I know you’re here...you have been, and I appreciate it.” As she said that they came upon the ice cream stand and she ordered for him and her before they began walking again in near silence, save for a few people who were having conversations as they walked as well.

He wasn’t sure what else to say to her, so he said nothing, as he slowly licked at his ice cream cone. The girl had very much been hurt mentally by the inu-hanyou, and he was just now discovering how difficult it would be to rebuild her self-confidence. He glanced to her as she walked, wondering what she was thinking now. Kagome felt his eyes on her and she turned to look back at him, smiling softly. “Let’s go home.”

He nodded, before walking with her out of the park towards Genkai’s shrine. Home. Now that was something he hadn’t heard before in a long while. He supposed, however, that Genkai’s shrine was his home now. Along with his sister, Kagome, Yusuke, Kurama, and Kuwabara, he had a bit of a rag-tag family. It was something he never expected he would ever have, but it seemed that fate had smiled down on him, at least a little.

As they walked, he felt a small hand entwine with his own and he internally smiled. He remembered the first time she took his hand, in the movie theater at the ningen mall.

Kagome took a chance and gently grabbed his hand, her heart beating a little faster. She cared a lot for the hiyoukai, but she wasn’t anywhere near ready to voice her feelings. She was very unsure of them to begin with, but he didn’t pull away and didn’t drop her hand, instead, she felt him very gently squeeze back, and that put her internal struggles to rest for the moment.

Why did things have to be so confusing for her? She cared for Hiei, but she also cared for Yusuke. As they came upon the steps for Genkai’s shrine, she looked over to the fire apparition before asking, “Will you practice with me tonight?”

He nodded silently, walking with her up the steps. “It has been awhile since we had a good sparring match.” She had been so busy with school and such that they hadn’t had much time for sword training. She continued her extensive training with her miko powers, but that was because of the obvious protection she needed for the Shikon.

As soon as they got up the steps, she moved inside to deposit her backpack before returning dressed in her training uniform. It was sleek, much like Sango’s slayer uniform, and it was much easier to train in. Unfortunately for Hiei, it was also something that hugged her form, showing him her pleasing physique, something that had his beast on the alert, and clawing for the chance to bed her.

Reeling in the hentai thoughts that were threatening to run wild in his mind, he walked into the sparring room and took off his cloak, revealing his own bare and slightly sweaty chest to Kagome. She wasn’t blind, and couldn’t help but openly admire his broad muscles and the strength behind them. She had sparred with him before. She knew just what the little hiyoukai was capable of, given half a chance.

Hiei noticed a new scent on the air and held back a groan. She was aroused now, although slightly, it was enough to make the restrain he had on his other half just that much more difficult. Kagome just smiled, not aware of any conflict in the fire apparition as she chose her weapon, a samurai sword.

“Let’s start!” she said enthusiastically, before lunging forward for Hiei and he for her, their swords colliding together loudly, and pushing them apart before they went forward again, trying to find openings in each others stances.

It had been too long since Kagome sparred with Hiei and she had nearly forgotten how the rush of the air past her ear and how her hair moved as she moved forward towards him affected her, not to mention just being that close to the apparition that it made her already rapidly beating heart beat even faster. The adrenaline rush she was experiencing just heightened all of her senses, and her body’s reaction to being that close to him.

Hiei was experiencing similar difficulties, as he tried to ignore how her scent was becoming stronger, and how her breathing was increasing as well, fueling his dirty thoughts of how he could make her pant, as well as the way her body moved in her training uniform.

Over and over their swords clashed, as Kagome maneuvered around him to try and strike at him, however, Hiei wasn’t going to have any of that, as he moved at the last moment, using his speed to over power her and stop his blade at her throat. “Looks like I win.” he smirked, although he was rather sad that it was over already.

“Best two out of three. The winner gets...” Kagome trailed off, slightly out of breath, and not sure what she would be willing to give up to Hiei–hell, she wasn’t sure what he would want!

“A kiss from the loser.” He whispered into her ear, his voice dripping with something Kagome had not heard from him before–passion.

“That’s...acceptable.” she said, trying to forget the shiver he just made her feel by speaking to her like that. When had he decided that he wanted to kiss her? Shaking away the thoughts, she turned away from him quickly, getting away from his blade as she held hers out to her side. She wouldn’t lose...not like this, and definately, not on his terms. Smirking lightly she tilted her foot back behind her before launching herself at him, not surprised when his blade met hers.

The match was back on, and it seemed as if the heat in the room had reached even higher levels as their swords met in mid air...as their breath mingled at their locked blades...and as each ones strength began to diminish, leaving behind want in it’s wake.

Clang! Again their swords met, and Kagome didn’t miss the look of Hiei eyeing her confined breasts. Quickly she pushed away, trying to ignore how his seering eyes on her body made her feel. Her heart raced faster in her chest, already pounding from the physical activity they were participating in as she launched forward again, this time, it was her looking over his sweaty chest as they came closer before breaking apart again.

Hiei was sure he saw a look of longing in her eyes as she looked at him, the longer the match went on. He knew he had affected her with just one little look. He could smell her scent heighten, as well as sense her increased heartbeat. If the girl had wanted him, why did she not say so? She obviously saw him as attractive, but he also knew that she would not push their relationship farther unless she loved him–she would not do that to herself, or to him. It was the way that Kagome did things.

His thoughts distracted him enough to miss Kagome’s quick switch in direction and she got up underneath his defenses, placing her blade to his chest.

Kagome smirked as she said, “That’s one for me. We’re tied up.”

Quickly, Hiei jumped back and his eyes flashed, a predatory smirk coming to his face. Kagome couldn’t help but feel excitement at that look. She hadn’t seen many emotions from the hiyoukai, but this was certainly a new one, one she was interested to see more often.

Hiei was interested in seeing how long it took for him to dominate her defenses. The fact that she got one over on him just made his youkai growl in contentment. She was perfect for them–strong, smart, and compassionate. They were constantly learning more about the miko woman and were amazed at the things they had learned. Now that it was obvious that she could be attracted to them physically, only made them wonder if she could be attracted to them in other ways.

Quickly he raced forward and their swords clashed again, the sound echoing out of the open doorway.

Hearing sounds coming from the sparring room, Yusuke walked across the yard and smiled as he looked in, seeing Kagome and Hiei working with their swords. He watched from outside the door as each of them moved, commenting mentally at their form and attack styles. He didn’t think that Kagome would ever attack as if she meant to kill, and even from a distance, he could see that she was just trying to fend off his attacks.

Kagome could tell that he had been playing with her before, as his attacks went to the point of almost overwhelming her. She was no where near his league, and his speed had her looking from side to side to try and keep up with it. ‘Damn...’ she cursed mentally, as she tried to follow his movements and block his parries.

Hiei smirked further at her attempts to try and get some offense going before he came up behind her and trapped her between his chest and his blade.

Kagome’s sharp intake of breath wasn’t missed on the hiyoukai, or Yusuke, as he watched to see what she would do. Hiei leaned down by her ear before whispering, “Looks like I win again...”

She couldn’t say much as she turned her head towards him to make a retort only to meet his lips in a fierce, fiery kiss. Her eyes widened at the kiss, as his own lips easily dominated hers, but softened in an attempt to get her to participate as well. Hiei could sense a growing anger and upset coming closer but he didn’t stop kissing her, wanting to savor this moment for as long as he could.

Kagome wasn’t aware of anything else as she closed her eyes slowly and returned the kiss timidly at first, before he became more demanding as his tongue probed at her lips, wanting to deepen it.

Before he could however, Yusuke’s shout broke through the fog that had settled over Kagome’s mind and she jerked away from Hiei, a tomato like blush racing across her face as she looked to Yusuke, obviously embarrassed and as she shot a look to Hiei, seeing his expression of triumph, now upset herself.

‘Was this all to show up Yusuke?’ her confusion and hurt shifted easily enough to alert both males that something was wrong. The toushin could hardly tear his eyes away from Hiei but when he saw the look upon Kagome’s face, one of pure hurt and pain, he couldn’t stop himself from stepping forward towards her. “Kagome?” he asked softly, ignoring Hiei’s growl at him.

She tossed down her sword, and moved towards the doorway, ignoring his worry, and ignoring the way Hiei was looking at her. Now was his turn to be confused. The hybrid thought that this is what she wanted–her body obviously couldn’t lie for her, and now she was upset, and even the scent of tears reached him. What had he done wrong?

Yusuke’s growl reached him easily though as Kagome walked out of the dojo, earning his attention. “What the fuck were you thinking, Hiei? She’s not ready for any kind of relationship, and if you’re just trying to get a quick screw out of her, then leave! I won’t let you hurt her!” he shouted, his blood beast rising to the call as Yusuke’s anger spiked.

Hiei turned, his entire being turning dark. “I don’t want a “quick screw” out of her, as you put it, detective. I desire her, and wish to have a stronger relationship with her. Don’t presume otherwise.”

Yusuke’s anger grew as he retorted, “You have competition then, Hiei. I won’t just give her up either.” he proclaimed, as his spirit energy gathering around him quickly in time with his growing emotions.

The hiyoukai growled low at Yusuke’s statement, his beast being thrown into overdrive as he thought of Kagome being with the toushin instead of him. He wouldn’t lose her...he couldn’t. Somehow, the girl had worked her way deep into his heart and he wouldn’t lose her, not to Yusuke or anyone else.

Before the confrontation got physical, Genkai stepped in the room, her ire evident. “Which one of you idiots upset Kagome?”

~*~

Kagome had gone running from the room as soon as she got out and into the house, the tears pouring down her face. Did Hiei even really care about her? Did Yusuke? Or were they just trying to show one another up and using her as the competitive field? She was so confused now. She cared about both of them...even to the point of loving them. And that left her in an even more dire predicament. She could only be with one of them...right? These thoughts and more swirled in her mind as she raced towards her room, sobbing openly and not caring who’s attention she got, including that of Yukina and Genkai, who were in the kitchen as she ran past.

Looking to one another, Yukina stood and moved to walk after her friend, while Genkai moved towards the direction she had come from. Contrary to popular belief, Genkai had grown to care for the girl like a granddaughter, and though she was tough on her, she did it because she cared. Now, someone had upset her, and she had an inkling as to who it was. There was going to be some hell to pay.




/chaper


A/N: Sooooo sorry for the long awaited update. This chapter was being entirely annoying and didn’t want to come together like it should have. *grrs at retreating muses* The next chapter is already planned out (I think) and should include some of the other tantei. Hope you enjoy this one!

Kudo’s Loves!~
Sa-chan--