Instinct

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Instinct: Act of Confidence
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He smelled them before he saw them, but then, his vision wasn’t very good compared to his sense of smell. He heard them next, but he noted wryly that they weren’t panting nearly as much as when they tried to keep up with him. Just as well that they hadn’t been pushing themselves. He hadn’t smelled the dog following him, but with that clearing long downwind, would he?

*Not thinking about that.* Kouga turned his thoughts away, using his determination and fear for his pack to sweep aside the doubts the night had brought. *I am the alpha wolf. I have to be the alpha, because the alternative isn’t something I want to think about. I may have lost, but like hell will I acknowledge that when it’s their lives on the line.* In the end, that’s what it came down to: the pack. His pride had been broken, that pride essential to anyone whose body language was often the easiest way to communicate, and right now he was relying on sheer, stubborn loyalty to take its place. He had to fool his pack, something his instincts objected to, but he did it for their sake.

He swept through them, a whirlwind that split the pack down the center, Ginta and Hakkaku falling to the sides and the wolves yipping as the winds shoved at them. For that brief second before the dust dispersed, he closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, feeling like he was settling a mask over what he’d been reduced to in a few hours, and when the air cleared, Kouga stood with his hands on his hips, blue eyes narrowed and mouth set in an ironic grin. He knew he looked like he’d been through a fight, and he didn’t even try to conceal it. “Here you are! Didn’t I say to wait for me at the river?”

Hakkaku sat up, mohawk askew. “Kouga!”

“Kouga!” Ginta scrambled to his feet first, gaping at his pack leader in astonished dismay. “Wh-what happened?!” His hand shook as he pointed at the mangled armor and exposed wounds, and the wolves bounded in to investigate. “Did you find Naraku?!”

He pushed away curious snouts impatiently and waved off Ginta’s frantic question. “Just a fight,” he murmured, most of his attention apparently focused on where the wolves poked their noses. “Who taught you mutts manners, anyway? Don’t do that! Ow! Easy on the ribs!” Resigned, he sat down in the midst of the furry horde and let them snuffle him all over. *Why the hell is it so hard to remember how I normally act?* It was because he never gave his own behavior much thought when it was completely natural that he was having such trouble now, and he refused to acknowledge the sinking feeling that they could all see right through him. The worried eyes of his subordinate pack members felt chill with accusation, but couldn’t let himself think that to be true. If he started thinking that way, it was all over. *I can do this. Exasperated and amused, not panicking and defeated. Yes.* Cold black wolf noses pushed into his side and over his back, anxious whines accompanying the rush of pack members assuring themselves he was in one piece. “Yes, yes, enough, will ya? I’m fine! Just ran into Kagome’s pet doggy and had a few words with him.” He grinned fiercely, firmly tamping down on the sick surge of dismay the memory of those ‘words’ brought. He tried to project confidence and hoped that the stiffness of his body language was attributed to his wounds. “You should see what he looks like!”

Ever the braver of his two surviving followers, Hakkaku pushed through the milling wolves to take a look at Kouga’s wounds himself. The black-haired demon ignored his prodding in favor of ruffling the more inquisitive wolves’ ears. “Oi…Kouga, these look pretty nasty. What were you and Inuyasha fighting over?” Careful fingers probed the knitting ribs and tested the broken edges of the armor. “Ugh. You’re going to have to fix this.” The ruined shoulder guard was passed over, but one of the wolves sniffed it, whimpering. That prompted Hakkaku to return to it, not noticing the way Kouga stiffened when he fingered the rents in the fur. “Inuyasha did this?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged off Hakkaku’s hand nonchalantly, refusing to acknowledge his rising unease as the wolves continued to sniff and snort over him. *Don’t, don’t. Don’t question me too closely, or you’ll push me. I don’t know what I’ll do.* “And what do we always fight about? He’s too much of an idiot to see that Kagome’s mine!” He shook his head and gave the white-haired wolf demon a sardonic look. “I’ll leave the armor with you to work on. I want the pack to go back to the home caves for a week or so while I scout the area and make a point to the dog crap. It’s about time I made my claim on Kagome clearer, and this seems to be the area her village is located in. I don’t want to go after Naraku without my armor in good repair, anyway. Kill two birds with one stone, eh?”

Ginta waded into the milling wolves, a bright smile under his concerned eyes. “Right, Kouga! Sister Kagome would probably be more comfortable in her home. Maybe she has brothers. You sure you don’t want us along?” Despite his obvious focus on his wounded leader, there was an eager curiosity in Ginta’s question. He was little older than Hakkaku, of a litter born only a couple weeks before the mohawked demon’s whelping, but his mother had died in a cave-in. Afterward, the litter had been nurtured by the entire pack, so the pups had come to regard every bitch as theirs and every other litter as siblings. Because of that, Ginta had easily adapted to the idea of Kagome as yet another sister, this time an alpha female, with a tendency toward including her entire odd pack as adopted with her. They were weird, but after losing the majority of his extended family to the harpies and Kagura, some part of his resulting loneliness had latched onto the hope Kagome represented for the last of the wolf pack. He wanted the security of a bigger, stronger pack.

As such, the thought of Kagome maybe having brothers, even human brothers, made him eager to meet them. Beneath the responsible adult who needed to support his leader was the wriggling puppy ready to play with a new-met batch of siblings. If he’d had a tail like many of his brethren, it would have been wagging. “C’mon, Kouga, we can stay with sister Kagome while you and Inuyasha are busy!” Ginta crouched by Hakkaku’s side, and their alpha was suddenly confronted by two sets of gray-blue demon eyes pleading with him to reconsider. Several of the wolves joined in the visual begging, understanding what their leader wanted them to do and unwilling to separated from him, especially when he was wounded. “We’ll stay outta the way. You know we will!”

“Yeah, we haven’t talked with sister Kagome in a long time. We can tell her about the gray bitch’s pups. Don’t human females all love fuzzy pups?” Hakkaku didn’t really know much about human females, but it sounded good and he was even more reluctant than Ginta to follow Kouga’s orders. He’d continued examining the damage, and it wasn’t sitting right with him. The wound on Kouga’s side was deep, and something about the claw marks on the darker wolf demon’s thigh was making him deeply uneasy. He didn’t remember Inuyasha ever leaving claw marks quite like that before, and the wolf pack had come across several old battlefields of Kagome’s pack to compare it to. The strangeness of the marks made what he knew to collide with what Kouga had told them had happened. More than that, the wolves not engaged in giving their leader puppy eyes were still snuffling and fussing, indicating that they, too, thought something was wrong. It wasn’t just the wounds. The faintness of Inuyasha’s scent was strange if the dog had been close enough to inflict such wounds, but there was an oddness to the lingering scent that couldn’t be explained. And something in Kouga’s posture, something in how his eyes flickered briefly before meeting theirs as an alpha’s should, something a little off…

Not that anyone thought that Kouga was lying. Wolves were inherently honest creatures, even to outsiders, and Kouga had never lied to his followers. But he sometimes…bent the truth. Nothing major, and usually it involved how badly he was injured or something along those lines, just to keep everyone from worrying. It was the other times it had happened that narrowed Hakkaku’s eyes with suspicion as he gazed imploringly at the more powerful demon. Kouga had a bad habit of trying to take too much on himself to spare his followers, and it was going to get him pounded one of these days when he got the pack out of the way and bore the brunt of everything himself. Hakkaku knew that there were things Kouga hadn’t told them about the night Kagura slaughtered the rest of their pack, things that drove him to anguished obsession, and whatever it was, it was making him throw himself into the path of danger more and more, trying to spare the few remaining wolves.

It was a very responsible thing to do, as strongest demon of the pack, but it wasn’t something the pack could afford. There were so few of them left, all of them relying on their shard-enhanced chieftain to keep them alive and in control of their territory, and he was trying to do too much on his own out of concern over their survival…but with not enough concern about their survival if he died in one of his attempts to save them. There was, Hakkaku decided, something else besides a fight with Inuyasha going on. Kouga’s increasing discomfort was because he was trying to mislead them into fleeing to safety while he handled the problem.

Well, it was time they reminded him that they were a pack, and his safety was their responsibility. They could only back him properly if they were at his back.

Wolf eyes could be incredibly expressive. Hakkaku’s glowered with a touch of hurt betrayal, some anger, and a lot of protective determination. “We’re going with you.” The statement was quiet and flat, a shocking change from his usual cajoling voice, and Kouga gaped at the curled lip that accompanied it. It was a clear message, that bared fang and leveled stare.

Ginta’s jaw hung open as he looked at his fellow demon, but the suspicious wolves caught on first, turning low growls and equally firm glares on the stunned alpha wolf in their midst. It took Ginta and the fawning wolves a moment more to figure out the train of thought they’d followed, then decide on their own that, yes indeed, Kouga was wrong. Ginta’s eyes slowly narrowed to slits, and his lip drew back. “Yeah. We’re with you.” The furry ring around the wounded wolf demon tightened with hostile intentions born of pack possessiveness.

He could hardly believe the challenge glinting in the eyes surrounding him, glittering in the moonlight reflected off exposed fangs. Never, not even once, had Hakkaku and Ginta challenged him outright. Called him an idiot behind his back in anxious whispers they knew he could overhear when they thought he was being stupid, but they’d known he knew they’d follow him still. These open intimidation tactics directly defied his authority, their refusal to obey a smidgen of respect and caring away from being an ultimatum. It wasn’t quite a challenge, and as such it caught him blindsided. This had not been one of his fears. *Oh, shit. It should have been! Even if they don’t realize it, I’m giving myself away, and they’ve gotta know somehow that I’m on shaky ground right now. I should have known they’d pick up on it!* They were all wolves at instinct-level, and below the conscious mind, his behavior had registered as not quite as dominant as an alpha’s should. Body language was the hardest to disguise. He was putting everything into the illusion that nothing had changed, helped by the practice of having been their leader for so long, but it was an ill-fitting mask when every movement crinkled a secret, shameful wound and his pride was beaten. Had his pack not been as close-knit as it was, as used to following him, Hakkaku would be straightforwardly challenging him for the alpha position. It said something about Ginta and Hakkaku’s confidence in him that they were only defying an order.

It would be a sign of weakness, however, and if he caved in to them on one thing, it would wear away at the image he was projecting. It would give them a reason to look closer, sharpen their suspicion, and it would all collapse around him. And if they found him out…*Fuck. A challenge could take all night, and I don’t know if I could force them both down quickly in my condition. Physically, yeah, but if they call me out on submitting to Inuyasha, they’d have the right of it in disobeying me because I’m not alpha. We’d have to fight out where my new position in the pack is, and we don’t have time for that!* He had no doubt that he’d win. The shards in his legs only enhanced his strength; he’d been the strongest male in the pack since his father died. It would take too long, though. He had to get them away from here before the moon dropped another half an hour in the sky. That left only two options: all-out submission or a bluff to end all bluffs.

*I could take submitting to one of them as a new alpha. I really could. Better another wolf than a dog, and--and Hakkaku might be responsible enough for it. Ginta’s too soft-hearted. If I lay everything out right now, submit like a pup, and refuse to fight for a place in the pack, we could be out of here in time. They’ll bully me, but I’d rather take the lowest position than have any of them die!* It could work. If he didn’t fight for a higher place in the hierarchy, there’d be no reason to delay. It’d be humiliating to trot at the heels of the pack he’d grown up at the head of, but in reality he’d already lost the alpha position to Inuyasha. *But if Inuyasha follows his claim on me, I’ll have to stay behind to keep Kagome safe. Would Hakkaku risk sacrificing a packmate?* After losing so many? Kouga doubted it, and he also knew that a new alpha would want to keep the old under a close watch. It wouldn’t be anything personal. It was just how the pack hierarchy worked.

Something about his thoughts was nagging him. Inuyasha’s claim was important somehow.

Following the claim. Kouga had run to keep his pack from getting closer. He’d wanted to prevent Inuyasha from catching their scent and killing them, but if the mutt came back from hunting to find him gone…*What have I done?*…he might track him. Straight to what Kouga was trying to protect. *What have I done?!* It was probable. It was entirely likely. To the wolf’s horror, it was more than a hunch and becoming a certainty. Whatever scrap of coherent thought was afloat in the halfdemon’s rut would direct him to track Kouga rather than surrender to the urge to take Kagome. And the rut would only protect his claimed partner from the bloodlust. Everyone else would die.

Submission was no longer an option. Kouga needed the freedom to act that being an alpha allowed, and that meant he had to act like an alpha wolf. He couldn’t give an inch and couldn’t even hint that there was an inch to give. The only thing that left him was to put down his pack’s defiance, quick and brutal.

The plan flashed into his mind fully-formed and ugly. It would work because it manipulated the canine under the demon, but it went against his normal behavior no less than lying did. A fresh source of shame bled into him, and inside Kouga shuddered. What had to be done would require acting like the chieftains of other wolf tribes that his father had always sneered at, calling them cruel tyrants instead of leaders and making his pup son Kouga promise to never stoop to such tactics. Packs shouldn’t follow their alphas out of fear, but loyalty, and if things had degenerated to the point where a wolf had to lead via terror, it was almost always the leader’s fault. Letting the pack blame itself was an unforgivable deception. *It has to be done. Forgive me, Father.*

So he didn’t argue, didn’t posture, didn’t glare, didn’t go through any of the stiff-legged rituals the wolves usually engaged in. Under more normal circumstances he’d only consider handling a challenge this way as a last resort, but if this wasn’t a last resort, he didn’t know what was. He’d rarely had to appeal to instinct over law when dealing with the demons of the pack. It was one of the things that separated demon from animal, but following the unwritten rules would take too long and give the wolves the chance to see that it was anger and fear, not anger and pride, that drove him. He didn’t even growl a warning. The dark-haired demon snarled loudly and uncoiled from sitting in a liquid motion like he couldn’t feel his side cracking wide open and bleeding anew. He went for Hakkaku’s throat with lips peeled back from his teeth and blue eyes burning with rage that a beta dared challenge him.

Hakkaku’s own eyes flew wide, hands starting to come up ineffectually against his fury. “Kougaaaumph!” Wolves yelped in high-pitched panic, scattering in every direction as Kouga bowled the astonished demon over backward, slamming him into the ground hard enough to leave a slight crater. It forced the breath out of Hakkaku in a frightened howl, and his chin was already raised when the fangs dove in. For the briefest moment Kouga’s vision swam with eerie déjà vu, but he kept his teeth unyielding on the smaller demon’s throat, his snarl full of as much pricked pride as he could fake. His tail was lifted high behind him, and every other tail in the pack tucked in response. He glared at the others without moving from his position of dominance over the ringleader who’d instigated the insubordination.

They didn’t attempt to fight. Hakkaku lay still, whimpering quietly and fearfully, eyes squeezed shut and throat exposed in surrender. Ginta cowered as much as the nondemon wolves at the awesome sight of their leader’s righteous wrath. They’d done wrong, although their subconscious minds had thought they were right, and they were submitting all over the place to make up for their mistake. A few wolves made tentative motions as if to approach him, and an enraged snarl ripped the night again. Hakkaku’s whimpers became soft, repentant cries, and the venturesome wolves stopped and groveled as only canines could. They should have known better than to challenge their powerful chieftain. Hadn’t he always taken care of them? They’d earned this.

Kouga felt horrible. They were apologizing, but he was the one who had been thrown down. His side flared with sharp pain, but stabbing pains from his rear reminded him of something more painful. This entire thing was a charade, a lie that filled him with agonizing shame for deceiving his pack as no wolf should. The last wolf demon who’d lied to them had stolen one of the Shikon shards, and he’d killed that scum himself. The same contempt he’d felt for that demon was now turned on himself, but…*I have to do this. I am the alpha, because it has to be done.* Releasing Hakkaku’s throat, he turned his back on them all and sat cross-legged, glaring up at the moon without seeing it as he folded his arms across his chest to keep anyone from noticing the way his hands were shaking with reaction. *I’ll kill that mutt for this!*

Hesitant paws approached him from the side, little whines accompanying their owner. His spine stiffened with resolution. The moon had dropped a finger-length in the sky since he’d arrived. The lead bitch of the nondemon wolves cringed, tail-tucked and on her belly as she crept toward the alpha demon whose posture radiated anger. She paused an arm-length away, resting her head between her front paws as she looked up at him soulfully, flattened ears saying she was sorry as eloquently as any words ever could. He eyed her sidelong. She didn’t meet his eyes, submitting. She crept closer, her whines begging forgiveness, until she could raise her head and lay it on his knee. That was closer than he liked to a wound he did not want her scenting, but that was unavoidable. He refused to acknowledge her for a moment more, making his point, but finally he let out a long sigh and unfolded his arms. One hand came to rest, so casual it was almost an accident, between her ears. They perked up just a bit. Her forelegs straightened into a low crouch, her belly close to the ground and tail still tucked, but her whines hopeful now, and she nuzzled under his chin. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He looked down at her and rubbed behind her ears, his attitude serious but gentle. Her tail untucked and began to wave, while her eyes closed with bliss at the attention. Forgiven.

His acceptance of her submission signaled the rest of her four-legged packmates to slink forward, whines filling the air as he was once again surrounded by an anxious sea of brown-and-gray fur. This time they weren’t concerned with his injuries, however; they simply wanted their leader’s forgiveness. Rigid and dignified, he allowed them to nose his chin, reaffirming their pack loyalty. In return, he ruffled ears and tugged tails, welcoming them back into his good graces. The ritual was one that he was familiar with, and as soon as he forgave them, it was as if their defiance had never happened. That was the way of the pack. Surrender equaled absolution, and part of the tight clump of self-hate in his belly eased at their happiness. The rest of the knot stayed, however, because most of his mind was silently counting off precious seconds, urging speed toward an ugly confrontation he had no wish for. *C’mon, let’s get this over with. Hurry it up!*

Fear and necessity made the blue of his eyes frozen when Ginta and Hakkaku came forward at last, working their way through the milling wolves. He didn’t want to do this to his two followers, but it had to be done. Nothing else would work in the short amount of time he had left. So when they knelt in front of him, hands nervously set on their knees, he concentrated on petting the furry heads contentedly pushed into his lap, his body lined in cold anger. They flinched.

Hakkaku started to lean forward on his hands. “Kouga, I--“ The alpha’s lip curled enough for the tip of a fang to show in the moonlight. Hakkaku recoiled as if struck, hands returning to his knees and visibly wilting under the lash of Kouga’s disapproval. Even the paler demon’s mohawk, askew already, seemed to go limp as he lowered his gaze to the ground miserably.

“K-Kouga…” Ginta gulped and started over. “Kouga, we didn’t mean anything by it. We’re just worried, okay? You’re hurt, and we wanted to see our sister, and Naraku’s out there somewhere, and we’d feel better if we could be with you!” he blurted out earnestly, trying to explain with the same desperate need for forgiveness his nondemon kin had demonstrated. He started to lean forward and checked himself. The dark-haired wolf demon wasn’t showing any evidence of seeing them, much less forgiving them for their defiance. It wasn’t like Kouga to be so glacial, but then, no one had tested his authority since Kagura slaughtered most of his pack. He’d changed since then. For all Ginta knew, they deserved to be ignored for their behavior after what had happened. Each minute they remained unforgiven intensified his doubt and made him more certain it was their own fault. “Kouga?”

He rose abruptly, face stony and in shadow despite the waning moon. The two weaker demons scrambled to their feet as well, Hakkaku somehow ending up standing half a step behind Ginta’s shoulder. His eyes pinned them both, and they huddled together the way they always did when he yelled at him, but his voice was so controlled it was clear that he didn’t think they were worth the effort it would take to raise it. That hurt more than being ignored had, and Hakkaku hid behind Ginta, unable to face Kouga out of sheer disgrace. The tone of the words should have left frost on the ground. “Go back to the caves and wait for me. I should be back within a week, but don’t come looking for me unless I don’t come back after two weeks.” Unbuckling his armor, he let it fall to the ground. “And fix this.”

Neither dared approach him, but as he walked past them without turning his head, Ginta made an aborted attempt to reach out, his entire body pleading. “Kouga..?”

*I can’t do it. It’s cruel to them, and I can’t--but I have to--but I could just--argh. I hate this!* He couldn’t, he shouldn’t, and still Kouga stopped. Indecision pulled him to stay or go; he had to leave now, but acting like this was totally unlike how he wanted to act. The thick layer of dejection laid over what the two demons didn’t say was more than he’d ever inflict if he had a choice. As their alpha, it was his duty to comfort and shelter them from pain. As their alpha, he needed to protect them, even if it took hurting them to do it. *But…dammit.* His mind raced to a compromise that wouldn’t be enough but had to be. He sidestepped, turning his head to rest his forehead side by side with Ginta’s. He exhaled slowly while the other demon’s breath caught in hope.

Then he was gone, a tornado chasing his heels.

The pack watched him go. Ginta put an arm around Hakkaku’s shoulders, hugging him close for a second before resolutely jogging in the opposite direction of his leader. The wolves romped around him, gradually settling into a traveling pace. Their leader had told them what to do, and no one entertained the thought of disobeying that order now. The mohawked demon stared sadly after Kouga for a few minutes more, but eventually he shook himself and ran after the wolves. The worst was over. He wasn’t forgiven, but that last gesture toward Ginta had spoken of more time and a better chance later. They weren’t forgiven, but Kouga had reaffirmed that they were still pack. It was something to cling to for the next week, and Hakkaku was grateful for the deliberate reminder.

So why couldn’t he get rid of the feeling that there was something terribly wrong?

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End Part Six
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All hail Ahanchan for e-mailing me and therefore reminding me that this fic exists. I kinda forget about it when I’m not poked into working. A day later, I give thee more Kouga angst, because I got involved in the reaction of the pack and Kouga scrambling for a way to deal with it. For some reason, having him writhe in shame is appalling easy to write, and it seemed like the kind of thing he’d be covering in this situation. Sorry, no sex this time. Slagging plot keeps getting in the way! *shakes fist*

Remember, feedback keeps me interested in this story, and please let me know if there are any sites interested in this kind of thing.