Innocent Beginnings

Innocent Beginnings

By: Maggz

Disclaimer: InuYasha and Co. © Rumiko Takahashi

Author Note: OK guys, I'm back again. Sorry for the late update but comp crashed and I lost all my files. *sniff* Fortunately I had a back up file for IB and BTL but I had to edit them… That's why it took me so long. I wanted to post it last night but it was my birthday *ahem* and some friends surprised me with a cake *lol* I had a lot of fun but I know you don't wanna know of it, you just want to read the story ^_^


P.S. Para mis fans de habla hispana: Recientemente cree un grupo de fics en español sobre InuYasha, junto con mis amigas Isa y Leslie. Así que si son hentais como nosotras y desean leer buenos fics en nuestra lengua natal, les recomiendo que se den una vueltecita. Acá les dejo el link:


http://groups.msn.com/SalondeMusas-InuYasha/ (Advertencia: contenido para adultos)

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*MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA* I did that on purpose!!!

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Chapter 42: It's Like Breaking My Heart All Over Again


I sectioned myself off from everyone and everything after Sesshomaru's accident. It was easier to just shut them out than deal with their constant questions about my behavior… all the whens, wheres, and whys. I wasn't even sure why I was reacting the way I was. I only knew it felt safe and sure to just be alone and that at least I could depend on myself, when I felt I really couldn`t depend on anyone else.


Kohaku had phoned a few times since the day I'd told him to leave my room. I'd answered only what he'd asked and offered nothing more during our short conversations. In my eyes, he'd betrayed me, though in my heart, if I'd reached down far enough, I knew that what I was feeling wasn`t really fair to him at all.


Reika and Ichi both came to my room more times than I cared to remember, telling me I needed to call Sesshomaru or at the very least, send him a card. I couldn't explain to them what I didn't even fully understand myself - THAT being, that it was far BETTER to be alone than to be hurt. Nearly losing Sesshomaru had, in my mind, opened wide the door to the possibilities of just how terrible things could be if, in fact, I ever REALLY DID lose him and losing him just wasn't an option I could afford to choose.


I knew there had been abundant press coverage of his accident and recovery, even though I`d tried my best to avoid having any of it touch me. I was sure he'd been deluged in flowers, cards, teddies and the like and I hoped that it was enough to keep him from wondering where I was and why dn'tdn't been by to see him, especially considering the fact that my `boyfriend', as he so liked to refer to Kohaku, as well as my aunt and my uncle had made the time to drop by to check up on him. Reika had informed me that after he'd been released from the hospital with an `all clear' bill of health, his father had insisted he stay home with the family for the remainder of theek eek instead of by himself at his penthouse flat. That made me feel a bit better, for just the thought of him being alone in that big, beautiful place made my heart ache. As long as he was with family, he'd be kept busy as well as waited on hand and foot; of that I was sure.


Three weeks went by almost like the blink of an eye and I realized I'd not seen either Kohaku or Sesshomaru during that entire time, something I'd previously thought would be an impossible thing to endure in my life. I had conflicting feelings about that. I was proud of myself for standing up and being STRONG yet I still desperately yearned for both of them even when I wished like hell that I didn't.


A Wednesday afternoon slid past and walking back onto the porch from my daily run, I heard the ringing of the telephone frosideside the house. Tugging off my sneakers, I flopped down onto the porch and stretched out on my back, enjoying the cool air as it swept over my flushed and sweaty skin.


"Rin. Telephone.", Kikyo pronounced from the front door as she opened it and handed the phone down to me. I wiped my palm over my shorts before taking it, mouthing a `thank you' to her.


"Hello?", I spoke.


"So you ARE still alive?", Sesshomaru laughed into the phone. My heart stuttered for a few beats before I could take a real breath. Clutching the phone in my hand, I sat up slowly, one arm wrapped around my knees as I closed my eyes.


"Rin?"


"Yeah. Hey Sesshomaru.", I said.


"What's wrong, baby girl?", he asked, his tone concerned.


"Nothing. I'm just winded from my run.", I offered lamely.


"Ahhhh, you went for a jog then?", he asked.


"Yeah. How are you, Sesshomaru?", I queried.


"I'm good. My car is fucked but they swear it'll look brand new once I get it back. They wouldn't total the bastard but as long as it's fixed, I'll be cool.", he said.


"That's good. I'm glad you're doing ok.", I whispered.


"I am. Listen. I thought I'd come by, pick you up and bring you back over here for awhile - to the apartment. I promised, remember?", he said.


Oh God! How I so wanted to say YES! How I wanted to jump for joy and even run barefoot halfway to meet him from wherever he was just to be able to look into his eyes and know he was really, really OK!


"Rin?"


"Umm, I can't.", I said, tears springing to my eyes.


"You can't or you won't?", he volleyed and I heard the traces of pain and sarcasm in his voice.


"I… just… I can't.", I stammered.


"Ok. How about tomorrow, then?", he insisted.


"No, Sesshomaru. Not then either."


"I see.", he said, his voice deepening. I could hear him breathing in and out over the line - feeling his frustration, anger and hurt as if he were stood right in front of me, face to face.


"Sesshomaru. Maybe you should just ask Kagura…", I said and I KNEW that when those words left my mouth that it was the wrong thing to say but I just couldn't seem to help myself. Biting down hard on my lip, I waited - half expecting him to scream at me down the phone or hear the click signaling the end of our conversation. I surely didn't expect the soft reply I got.


"It's over, Rin."


"Over.", I sighed. How many fucking times had it been deemed OVER by him only to have the papers declare it ON again in days?


"You don't believe me?", he huffed out a breath.


"I don't know what to believe, Sesshomaru. I mean, it's not like you haven't said it all before…", I said and that was true!


"You sound exactly like INUYASHA!", he fumed.


"Well, .aren`t we right?"


"I'm coming over.", he said at once.


"No."


"I don't care what you say. I'm coming over and you better be there when I get there or I'll track you down and you'll -"


"What? Wish I'd never walked away from you? Was that what you were going to say?", I hissed.


"Just be ready. I'll be there within the hour.", he said and the line went dead before I even had time to think up a good reply.


I pulled the receiver from my ear and looked at it as if I expected it to give me the answers I so craved. But just like everything else in my life, it seemed to taunt me, telling me I'd find answers soon enough. Life was for living, that's where my answers lay. I was still just too young…


"Sesshomaru, what do you want from me?", I whispero noo nobody in particular.


*****


I was still sitting on the porch steps with the phone in my lap when Sesshomaru's car rounded the corner - not the wrecked Porsche, but his sleek black BMW.


Standing, I turned and walked to the front door, opened it, went inside and replaced the telephone in its cradle.


"Sesshomaru?", Kikyo asked, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth.


"Who else?", I answered softly. "I'll be back in a bit."


"Be easy, Rin. Don't throw him away so fast.", she said.


I just looked at her, wondering where this newfound wisdom was coming from. Not having a clue how to answer her, I shook my head and headed back out the door. When I reached the porch steps, I saw that Sesshomaru had gotten out of his car and was on his way toward the house, a furious expression plastered on his gorgeous face. I guess he'd reckoned I'd walked away from him…


"Well…", he stammered, caught off guard once he spotted me there.


"I went inside to put away the phone.", I said, descending the steps slowly until I stood at the last one, putting me eye level with him. I looked into those clear amber orbs and felt myself falling into them just like so many times before.


"Come here.", he said gruffly, holding out his arms to me. I stepped into them, pressing myself tightly to him so that no space could've been maintained between us. "I missed you, Rin Matsumoto."


"I'm sorry, Sesshomaru. I so sorry!", I whispered fiercely, pressing my face into his shoulder.


"Can we go talk somewhere? Will you come with me? Please?", he asked.


"Yeah…"


"Let's go then.", he said and slid his arm comfortably about my waist as he led me to the car. Helping me inside as always, he then walked to his side and climbed in, backing out and heading back the way he'd come.


We didn't talk the entire ride. He had the radio tuned to some Top 40 Pop station and took turns humming along with the songs that were playing or tapping out the beat on his steering wheel.


I kept my hands clasped together in my lap, thinking to myself how bad I must look to him. I hadn't showered since my run. I was still clothed in the comfy stuff I always chose to exercise in, my hair hung in a limp ponytail where strands had loosened and lay against my neck and face… no makeup, no pretty clothes or jewelry, not even a hint of perfume!


And then I thought of Kohaku for some reason…


…how it never seemed to bother me how I looked when I was with him. As often as not, I could be found in sweats, ragged cutoffs, old t-shirts and the like when we hung out together.


I didn't exactly know HOW that made me feel… about either of them.


Sesshomaru pulled up into the parking garage and cut the engine, climbing out at once. I opened the door and stepped out as well, following him as he moved toward the elevator and spoke briefly to the security guard. Once inside the lift, I felt his eyes on me but I couldn't look at him. I didn't know what he was thinking about me or OF me. I wasn't even sure what he wanted to say to me once we got inside his apartment. Was he furious? Hurt? Upset in any way? I didn't know…


The elevator stopped and the doors opened, allowing us to step out and into the foyer just outside his front door. He slid a keycard through the slot and the door clicked open. I watched as he stepped back, allowing me to walk through first and realized with a shock that I hadn't even put back on my shoes when I'd left the house! I was barefoot. A nervous giggle escaped me before I could stop it and there were apparently more where that came from because I found I had to choke them back.


"Rin?", Sesshomaru frowned, his hand at the small of my back as he peered around me and into my eyes.


"My feet!!, I said and smiled up at him. He looked down and confusion crossed his face first, followed by a wide grin.


"You forgot your shoes?", he laughed, turning me round and pulling me against him as he smoothed his hands down my ponytail. Oh Christ, it felt good to be held by him! Stroked and touched…


"Good thing you hadn't planned anything fancy, Sess. Look at me!", I mumbled against his shoulder.


"You look great, Rin!", he laughed, stepping back to hold me at arm's length as his gaze moved over me from head to toe… a bit too swiftly, I thought.


"God, Please!", I snorted.


"Yre sre so beautiful to me! I haven't seen you for such a long time!", he said.


"Not THAT long, Sesshomaru. I mean I was busy and YOU surely had loads of people around…", I said before I felt his hold on me tighten.


"THEY are not YOU!", he whispered lowly into my ear and I felt myself shiver hard against him. He pulled back from me once more, his eyes darkening as his gaze swept over me. "When will you ever realize…"


What was I supposed to say to THAT? What was I supposed to have realized during all this time that he paraded his chick around for the world to see?


Tugging on my hand, he pulled me down the few steps that led to the living room and sank down on the huge sofa with me right by his side.


"You don't believe me when I say it's over between Kagura and me…", he said at once, hiser ler lip jutting as if ready to pout.


"No. I just… it's been said so many times before, Sesshomaru.", I said, my eyes looking deeply into his own. How could I make him see that talking about this was KILLING me?


"Well, this time it's for real. I ended it. I've never ended it before, it's always been HER.", he revealed, his hand squeezing my knee.


"And that makes it different?", I asked.


"Yes.", he stated simply.


I took a breath and pulled my gaze away from his, if only to collect my thoughts for a moment.


"She said stupid shit…", he murmured and I turned my eyes back to him, seeing a blush suffuse his cheeks. Puzzled, I waited for him to go on, curious now as to what she'd said that had embarrassed or shamed him. When he only sat there, his gaze plastered on the wall behind me, I cleared my throat to prod him.


"What did she say, Sesshomaru, that was so stupid?", I whispered. I wanted to say, more stupid than her usual? but I held my tongue and watched him fidget nervously, clearing his throat several times.


"She said I was… emmm… in love with… you…", he breathed, his cheeks turning an even darker shade of red. My breath caught and held in my chest until it burned and still I could not release it! He'd caught me entirely by surprise! I'd never, ever expected those words to come from his lips, at least not this soon!


He looked at me, smiled, frowned, then allowed his gaze to slide to the wall behind me once again. What the HELL was he waiting for?


"She… emmm… she said you weren't a little girl anymore. Shid Yid YOU loved me and probably always had! Can you believe that shit? God!", he blurted before a nervous laugh escaped him once more.


I swallowed, knowing he wanted me to agree with him and terrified he was going to just brush it all away as nonsense!


"She told me I'd have to admit to you one day - that I'd… FUCK! I'd always loved you… even before I really should've… and… THAT was what my problem was with HER!", he barked.


"She's fucking crazy! Nuts in the head, I tell you!", he laughed again before allowing his gaze to come back to mine. All this time I'd said nothing, praying like crazy that he'd at least admit to it, especially now that the `dancer from hell' had blatantly smashed it right into his face! I mean if SHE could see it…?!


"I told you it was mad.", he mumbled, shoving himself up off the sofa with a grunt and striding purposefully into the kitchen and away from me. I'd never felt so lost and alone in my LIFE! NOTHING I'd been through thus far even compared to this! He'd denied me - US - right down to the last breath and any hope I'd had of claiming him as my very own had just now withered and died right in front of me. I sucked in a breath, feeling the hair prickle on my scalp. I felt so small, so insignificant and so fucking stupid!


Getting up, I stumbled for the bathroom, praying with everything inside me that I remembered just where the hell it was before he surfaced in front of me. How could I EVER explain my state of mind to him? I had to get myself under some sort of control until I was back safe and sound in my own bedroom once again!


I shoved open a door and with a thankful sob, pushed my way in and firmly shut it behind me, leaning against it as I fumbled for the lock. Sobs wracked my body even as I fought them, tears splashing down my face to decorate the light grey of my t-shirt. I grabbed a towel from a nearby counter and stuffed it into my mouth, gagging as I bit down on it.


Eventually the sobs ceased, they HAD to or I'd have suffocated! The sound of my name being called just outside the door was more than enough incentive for me to grab for any tiny bit of self control I might possess and hang on tight! He must never, ever see the pain he had inflicted upon me and he never would… I swore THAT to myself right there in his flashy, ornate bathroom as I spat out the towel and took a few deep breaths.

A knock sounded on the door and I jerked toward it, half expecting him to open it before I remembered I'd locked it behind me. I stumbled to the sink, turning on both faucets full blast before splashing my face liberally.


"Rin?"


"Just a sec, Sesshomaru!", my voice quavered underneath the sounds of rushing water.


"You ok?", he asked.


"Just got a bit light headed. I'll be right out.", I said, thankful that I'd been able to assemble a story out of thin air. I didn't hear him move away, prayed that at least, he would, and continued splashing my face until I was sure I had maintained a bit of self control.


When I was finished, I plucked up tow towel I'd earlier gagged myself with and found a linen closet to toss it into. Taking a few deep breaths, I steadied myself and walked to the door, turning the lock and opening it to find Sesshomaru standing just on the other side, his eyes wide with worry.


His hand reached for mine and I took an inadvertent step back before I realized it, my shoulder hitting the door jamb with a loud smack. His eyes widened before he stepped forward and grabbed both my hands in his, leaning down to look closely into my eyes. I could feel the warmth of his breath as it bathed my face and I bit my lip, bargaining with the Gods above if they'd just allow me to hold myself in place `til I got home.


"Rin? When did you last eat?", he asked me, his thumbs rubbing tiny circles against the outside of my hands.


"Breakfast", I breathed.


"Come on.", he said and wrapping an arm about my shoulders, walked with me into the kitchen. He pulled out a stool that sat underneath the bar and I hopped onto it as he went toward the fridge, pulling out sandwich makings. He was silent, lost in his own thoughts, I assumed, so I was able to watch him for a little while without his realizing it.


I never got tired of looking at him. He was even more beautiful to me NOW than he'd been when I'd had a fascination with him before my accident. He'd `grown into' his youthful beauty and had become a strikingly handsome man. His skyblue t-shirt stretched over his wide shoulders and deep chest and I could just make out the impression his nipples made against the smooth cloth. When he turned to reach for a knife, I smiled in spite of myself for a bit of tummy poked through the snug fit of his shirt.


God! How I loved him! I loved him so much it took my breath away!


Looking up at me from underneath his impossibly long lashes, he frowned a bit as if he'd somehow read the thoughts racing through my brain. I looked down, studying my hands as my heart raced in my chest.


"You should eat if you're going to exercise like you do, Rin.", he muttered as he built the sandwich and put it on a paper plate to slide in front of me.


"I know…", I said softly, toying with the edges of the plate.


"Eat.", he said and started to clean up the mess he'd made.


I did as he'd instructed, chewing and swallowing automatically, until he placed a can of Coke in front of me.


"Better?", he asked as I took a sip, my eyes at last meeting his again.


I nodded, wiping the back of my hand over my lips.


"Eat the rest of it.", he said, cocking his head toward the half eaten sandwich.


"I can't.", I answered.


"Rin…" he breathed, coming round the bar to stand by my side. Taking me by my shoulder, he turned me fully toward him, positioning himself between my knees as he reached for my face to hold between his warm palms.


"You want to go on the road with me… in the fall?", he asked softly. My eyes were riveted on his mouth, those soft, sweet, pink lips that begged to be touched, kissed, sucked, caressed with my own!


"I want…", I breathed, leaning ever so slightly toward him.


Kiss me, Sesshomaru. Kiss meeeee! I want you… need you… please!


"Rin", his mouth, it was so damned sexy! I could just sit and watch him talk all day long, licking over that full lower lip - making it wet and soft, just right for a kiss…


"Rin!", his voice broke through my meanderings and I blinked once, twice, before it got through to me and blushing furiously, stepped down off the stool and found myself in his arms, when what I'd really intended was to get away from him as fast as my bare feet could carry me.


I could feel the strength of his hands as they gripped my waist, pulling me against him tightly as he strove to steady me. My hands rose to his face, just to hold him there in front of me so that I could remember everything about him: the way he smelled, the way his breath felt across my face, the way his eyes darkened when he was feeling something so intense it either made him lose all thought or had him screaming in frustration at me, the `sugar dots' that beautifully accentuated his skin, almost like a `connect the dots' puzzle and I soooooooo wanted to kiss each one of those - each one that touched his skin, against his jaw, over his lip… and those lips… dear GOD! Those lips!


"Can't…" a half sob, half moan escaped him, so low I could barely hear it but it had been there. Oh YES! It had been there and he was fighting it, fighting me for all we were worth!


I pushed myself back from him, knocking over the stool I'd just sat upon in the process and stumbling, I landed flat on my bum amid the legs of the upturned appendage.


A giggle escaped me and soon I was laughing so hard that my belly ached with it. I felt him take my hands to pull me up and watched as he bent forward, the line of his back, the curve of his bottom displayed perfectly for my benefit as he did so. I reached out to touch him and at that moment, he stood upright, his eyes shadowed against me.


"You silly chit!", he said softly, a smile spreading across his face as if he were somehow glad I'd broken the moment of whatever had just past between us.


"Can you take me home now, Sesshomaru?", I asked as a hiccup slipped from between my lips. Shaking his head and laughing at me, he started to lean forward as if to buss my cheek with a kiss and thinking better of it, grabbed for my hand once more and brought it to his mouth instead.


I watched as his lips pressed against the softness of my hand, as his lashes fanned onto his cheeks when he closed his eyes, until he released my hand from his sweet torture and smiled up at me.


"Let's go, Rin Matsumoto!", he said and turned away from me to grab his keys off the countertop.


In that instant, I wondered if I'd lost him forever…