Black and White World

I wake constantly since the one winter night. I could plead insanity for my actions, but in reality I know I gave into lonliness. The cold months of the year have always been difficult for me, my life always a struggle. I was told i'd grown cold from it, but never really thought i'd been anything else. I had a need, an ache; something that held me there in the woods that night. I can't remember how long I had stood there, watching the snow blanket the world around me. All I can recall is the smell of wildflowers on the wind that made the ache inside me pull tight. Had I known it was him, I believe of would have run for my life if I hadn't already felt like there was nothing left. From the moment he touched me, all I saw was silver and gold. Eyes like mine, yet completely different. Hair spun from silk, etheral and not of this world. Those hands, deadly - killing - touched me so gently I wished to cry. I don't recall much but the warmth he made rise inside me; fighting off the cold I had created over the years to fight off the pain of lose. With each caress, kiss, stroke - breathe - he broke away all my walls and left me hopeless. He made me whole, filling me with his self in ways i'd never known. I still feel flutters in my chest when I think back to the last kiss he gave me before he left. It said so much, though we used no words from the moment we spotted one another. I still wish I had said things, but its not like it matters now. I still struggle to fall asleep, fighting off the need to release with his face in my mind and name on my lips. I wish I could say I'm ashamed of what I did, though I'm not. I don't believe I could ever regret feeling a true connection with someone for the first time in my life. Maybe I was seeking acceptance or love from my blood, knowing I wouldn't get it didn't deter me from it. I hate him, more than I ever have. He's the bane of my exsistence and I don't think I could ever hate anyone as I do him - my Aniki - the one person who will always own me because I'll never admit it aloud; I love him more than I could ever hope to express in words. As I close my eyes, silver and gold flash behind my lids. I wonder if this next winter I'll see him again, and he'll make the ache only he can banish go away. One can only hope.