Strength

Thank you all for reviewing... lol .. again I have to post fast because of that. You know all those angst warnings, well when you read... consider yourself warned. Writing this was – damn hard.

Please be brave enough to send your reactions, good, bad, whatever. I fully expect some of you will want to kill me before the end of this chapter, to those who have asked me to be nice, let me apologise upfront. In this fic I'm not. I am actually little afraid of your reactions to post this... but it has to be done.

Please, please review! ANGST ALERT GOES RED!

Edited By Me!

Chapter 4 : A simple solution

Inuyasha was running out of options, he had in the last weeks, gone to every kind of healer he knew, he had even gone to Jinenji the healing Hanyou. None of them had any kind of hope for him. In spite of the risk Inuyasha finally went to a tree spirit he had heard was once his father's advisor, Bakusenou. After swearing the tree spirit to secrecy, they had discussed Inuyasha's problem, Inuyasha leaving out key pieces of information (like the identity of the other father) because he suspected the tree like Myoga would only be loyal to a Hanyou as long as it did not involve betraying the true full Youkai son of InuTaisho. Even the ancient tree was unable to give any hope to the Hanyou. What Inuyasha wanted according to the tree was simply impossible, it had never occurred in the Ancient Tree's long memory and as much as the Ancient tree despaired, it could hold no hope to the Hanyou.

Inuyasha left the tree spirit his face blank and impassive. His leaps took him many miles away, when suddenly between one leap and another, he crumpled on a branch of a huge tree. Despair clutched at the Hanyou. He had already spent one human night alone, Inuyasha had found an abandoned cave, hidden his scent and waited the night out. He knew fear like never before. Fearing for his life, was nothing, fearing for his pups was a terror like he had never know. He had kept them safe that night, but this threat he could not fight with his sword, he could not hide from the threat, he could not overcome it with his will alone.

His fear for his pups was now a living thing, choking the Hanyou, how could he save them? He had seen human Mikos, Hanyou healers and Demon Healers and now even Ancient Spirits, none had offered any solutions, none had given hope. Nothing!

He was going to lose his pups! Inuyasha hit his head on the branch. He was going to lose his pups, it was unbearable! Inuyasha clutched his belly, and curled up, as if hugging the unborn pups tight to him. Protecting them, loving them. He could not lose them, he could not, he loved them so much, so very, very much. His pups, his precious little pups.

A dry tortured sob escaped the Hanyou's lips, was that why they were going to die? Because he loved them? Was he that unworthy? His innocent pups... was he cursing his own pups by loving them, surely the Gods could not be that cruel...

Everything in Inuyasha stopped, he caught his breathe as a desperate ray of hope captured his heart. Demons and Spirits had not been powerful enough to help him, but a God, a God may just give him the way he needed. He may be unworthy, but surely a God would not see his pups as unworthy. His precious pups, Inuyasha uncurled, his left had still lay protectively on his belly. It had been so long since he had met Her, but he had saved Her, maybe, just maybe She would remember him. Maybe She could save his pups. Inuyasha was moving before the last thoughts were fully formed, he raced to the Lake where he had saved Suijin the Water Goddess. For the first time, since his mother was dying, Inuyasha prayed, he prayed as he never prayed before, and hoped that this one time, just this once, the prayers of a lowly Inu Hanyou would not fall on deaf ears.

Inuyasha traveled non-stop for 2 days, he was exhausted by the time he reached the lake. He was about to yell out to the Water Goddess when he got to the bank, but to his surprise, the waters parted opening a path for him. Hesitantly, Inuyasha stepped into the path, and instead of the muck of the river floor a lotus sprang up under his foot. Inuyasha's eyes widened in surprise, it seemed as if the Water Goddess did indeed remember the Hanyou who had saved her.

The Lotuses lit his path all the way to the Palace of the Water Goddess, she sat on a huge lotus in her throne room. The room of blue and silver, simmered in welcome, and another large lotus bloomed beside the Goddess, she smiled and waved at him to sit beside her. Inuyasha hesitated a second, then rather nervously sat on the flower. His ears twitched, as he hoped the delicate looking lotus would not snap under him.

The goddess's laugh reminded Inuyasha of the sound of a merry brook, suddenly he felt a little better. "Fear not young one, the lotus can hold the weight of much more then your skinny frame. It is good to see you young one, you have travelled long to reach me, would you like some refreshments before we talk." The Goddess asked, and as she said the words a water sprout formed in front of Inuyasha and it froze into a little table. The Goddess waved her hand, a small mist clouded the table for a second and then it dissipated leaving behind a huge platter of fish, seaweed and other river delicacies.

Inuyasha literally could not remember the last time he ate, days ago, weeks ago? Such had been his anxiety and hurry, that most days he simply forgot to eat. With a small nod at his host in thanks, Inuyasha inhaled the feast before him. The Goddess watched with gentle eyes, there was something hidden about the Hanyou, something that even her senses could not see. She would respect the Hanyou's privacy and not probe until invited to. Still, she was curious, how could a Hanyou hide something from a God, when he was in her presence? It did not seem to be something the Hanyou consciously did, it was instinctive. And the Hanyou's instinct to hide his secret was so powerful that even a God was could be fooled by it, she would not have even know of the secret if not for the close proximity.

Inuyasha finished his meal. Wiped his hand over his mouth, then seeing that he was just spreading the mess, quickly wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Then he tucked the sleeve behind his back as if to hide the evidence. The Goddess watched the Hanyou's innocent antics, and hid her smile. He was such a contradiction, so powerful in some ways, yet maintaining the allure of an innocent puppy. The Hanyou looked at the Goddess, opened his mouth, then closed it his ears drooping.

Inuyasha found himself speechless. This was his last hope literally, if she denied him, he did not know what he would do. He was afraid, so afraid that even a God would not be able to save his pups.

"Young one, do not fear me, please. You and your friends saved my life, please, fear not, say what you came to say." The Goddess said trying to encourage the Hanyou.

"I.. I.. need your help Goddess, please! I don't know where else I can turn. Please, I will do anything! Please I beg you!" Inuyasha got out of the chair and knelt, he hated the position, it brought back such terrible memories. His being shook from the trauma, but he still knelt, this was too important! "Please Goddess I beg you, save my pups, please!"

The sudden release of emotions from the Hanyou shook the goddess, the barrier the Hanyou put up crumbled, and the Goddess suddenly felt the tiny lives in the Young One. The young one's emotions were full of pain, of despair, betrayal, and yet there was no hatred in the emotions, no dark thirst for vengeance. Just a overwhelming need to protect, and a desperate love as deep as the vast ocean, for the newly formed life. The Goddess could not remember witnessing such strength in emotions, if will and love was all that was needed, the Hanyou would require no one else to save his pups.

"Young one, please stand, please!" the Goddess said gently, she rose from her lotus, and gathered the young one up. Leading him back to his seat. "Tell me young one, what is it you need from me. Your pups are safe beneath your heart. What is it you need from me?"

"You can sense them? Can you tell if they are fully Youkai or Hanyou?" Inuyasha asked desperately clutching suddenly at the Goddess's sleeve.

"Young one, you know even if a pup or a babe looks fully Youkai, it cannot be confirmed until their first true intentional change in their 6th or 7th year. That is the law of nature, that even Gods are subjected to." the Goddess said gently.

Inuyasha shuddered, he knew that, of course he did, but it would have been easier if he could confirm, he had hoped... stupid hope. Inuyasha took a deep breath, "Goddess please, can you 'see' my pups, see if they are in need of anything."

Suijin looked curiously at the Hanyou, but nodded and did as he asked. She frowned in mild concern. "Your pups, are healthy but their Yuoki seems to be weakening. It is a matter easily remedied, since their other father seems to be a rather powerful Youkai, all you need to do is a sharing of energy and the pups will be fine." The Goddess said comfortingly. She drew her breathe when golden eye filled with a weary sadness looked back at her.

"This is why I need your help, I need to give birth to my pups without the other father being involved." Inuyasha said softly. The Goddess gasped, her eyes widened in horror, females could give birth independently, but males needed their partners, needed the Youki of the other father of the pups in order to give birth successfully. Single male pregnancies always, always led to the death of the pups, or the death of both the pups and the bearer, there had been no exceptions.

"Young one, I know the other father of your pups, still lives, if he is a being so lacking in honor that he would not care for his pups, mayhap it may not be wise to allow such Youkai bloodline to continue, Pups without honor will only bring you more pain. You would not want a pup like the other father, and since he has a stronger Youki his influence on your pups, even in his absence will be great." The Goddess advised gently, it was main practice to protect a male who had been raped. There were painless and safe ways to remove demon pups of dishonorable bloodlines from male bearers.

"No, no, I have no problems if my pups are like the other father, he is ultimately a Youkai of Honor. He would not have done what he did, hell he would not have even touched me, if not for the spell he had been under. He said it, he did not want to touch me, did not want what happened, but... but... circumstances, to break the spell I allowed it, I was the one in my right mind, not him. It was my actions that caused the conception of my pups. Mine alone, I bear the responsibility." Inuyasha said with conviction.

"Then even if he was unaware, if he is a Youkai of honor, he will most certainly care for his own pups. There is no problem then Young one." The Goddess said softly, realizing there was more to the story.

"He would, he would care for them, and if I could confirm that my pups were pure Youkai, I would not hesitate. I would go to him, do anything he wanted, fucking anything, if he would make sure my pups were born safe. If they were Youkai, I know without a doubt he would be proud of them, look after them. He would claim them and they would be his heirs, I know they would. He is very honorable. B..B..but my pups, my pups, because of my blood, may be Hanyou. I may have contaminated my pups and made them unworthy of the blood of InuTaisho, in his eyes." Inuyasha's ears flattened, his hands crossed around his abdomen, his voice lowered, as if trying to make sure the unborn pups did not hear his words.

"If my pups are Hanyou, he..he..he.. may kill them to ensure no further dishonor is brought to the Shiro Inu blood. He said he should have strangled me at birth, to avoid the shame I brought to the family,.. he may be right, but Youkai or Hanyou, my pups will be better then me. I know it! They will care for their honor better. I.. They will be much more worthy than me. I cannot allow anyone to threaten my pups before I can confirm if they are Youkai or Hanyou. If my pups are Youkai, one day they will be his heirs, but if they are Hanyou, I will make sure no more shame is brought to the family. I will take them away from here. I will leave this land, cross the sea, and find a place for us, under a new name." Inuyasha whispered.

"Until I know for sure, I cant take that risk. I just can't." Inuyasha said desperately. "Please there must be a way for me to give birth to my pups, without the other father's involvement." The Goddess looked sadly at the Hanyou. Inuyasha growled in response. "Look, I have heard it all before, all the fucking stupid healers told me shit, that males must have partners. Because unlike females they lack the ability to produce the extra Youki needed by babes, and even if the babies survived till they are ready to be born, the birthing process will kill me and the babes. When I say I don't fucking care if it kills me, as long as my pups survive, they say that is impossible as well, if the bearer dies, the pups will most likely die as well, within an hour. Without the energy of the other father, without the healing of the other father, it is impossible to save my pups. So if my pups are Hanyou, there is no hope at all for them. I can't, I won't accept that, there must be a way! Please!"

"Inuyasha, young one, if there was a way I would help you, but I don't know how." The goddess said.

"You will help me?" Inuyasha said and the goddess nodded. "I have been thinking and thinking, and I have come up with something. The healers couldn't do it. Maybe you can. My pups are weakening because the can only take a part of my Youki, can you remove the blocks so that they can absorb all the Youki that they need from me."

The Goddess eyes widened once again in surprise. Very slowly she nodded, "Yes, I can do that, but Young one, do you realize the impact that will have on you? The blocks are there to protect you."

"Keh, I can manage the drain." the light in Inuyasha's eyes began to shine for the first time, in many a day. "If my pups can be stronger, then I can fucking manage anything. If you can do this my pups will survive to term, but please Goddess, I can't think of a way to help them survive the birth."

"Young one, do not mince your words, it is you who will not survive the birth, especially if you are already going to have a steady drain on your Youki for 4 months. And if you do not survive, your pups no matter how strong they are when they are born will not survive either."

"Goddess, please I will take them from my body safely, I will not allow my strength to give out until they are born. Please save them after that." Inuyasha begged.

"Young one, The bond between a male bearer and his pups in the first period of their birth is sacred. Due to the birthing process, the sacrifice that is required of the bearer, the bond between the male bearer and new born pups is much stronger than the bond between even a female and their pups. If you die at that critical time, regardless of the presence of the other father, your pups, will follow you." The Goddess said firmly. She was thinking desperately, she had no doubt the Hanyou would try, and no matter his strength of will, there is no way he would have the strength to heal himself after the birth.

The energy to heal after birth came from the other father, the mate of the bearer. No one else, not family, not friends, not even parents could supply the energy needed to heal the torn open birthing marks, other then the mate and other father of the pups.

Male pregnancies was a terribly risky thing among the Youkai, and was extremely rare due to the numerous dangers inherent in it. Males did not have the necessary organs to produce extra Youki, they did not have the parts required for an easy birth. Instead the other fathers had to supply access energy to their pregnant partners and unborn pups throughout pregnancy. The birthing process with the presence and support of a loving mate, while a gory process, could be easier then a female birth. Without the support of a mate, it was a nightmare, which inadvertently involved the death of all involved.

Since they did not have channels for birth, bearers had to be cut to release the pups. Males instinctively would not allow others close to them during birthing, especially with a sharp implement, thus they had to do it themselves. Nature of course, made some provisions to the bearers to ease the process. Birthing lines formed on the male's abdomen, about a month before birth. During birth, the bearers body would pulse releasing chemicals into their system at regular intervals that numbed the pain of each cut and eased birthing. Only the bearer could feel the pulse, and more importantly only the bearer could feel the sac that contained the pups, and monitor the health and positions of the pups inside the sac. Therefore only the bearer could make the cuts on his own body, and guided by his pups, remove them safely. The process left bearers utterly drained, their Youki (demonic energy) at the end would not be sufficient to heal themselves. That was the role of the other father, to give the bearer the energy to heal, to provide extra Youki to the bearer at this critical time. Without that, the bearers died within a few hours, and tragically so did the pups. She had seen Gods more powerful then her try to stop this tragedy, and even with powerful full Youkais- fail.

There was a long pause, the Goddess watched at the light of hope died in the Hanyou's eyes, and he wrapped his arms around his belly and unconsciously began rocking. Inuyasha whimpered, he would have to go to Sesshoumaru, at least if his pups were Youkai they would survive. Inuyasha could not breathe, if his pups were Hanyou,.. Inuyasha could not think,.. he wondered if he would be allowed to live long enough to hold them.

The Goddess could not bear it, her mind scrambled, and stretched. The Youkai, even with the help of a god could not survive, but mayhap, just perhaps, a Hanyou could do what a Youkai could not. "Young one, there may be a way, but the way and the price may be more then you can bear." She finally said softly. Inuyasha slowly raised his head and he waited for her to continue.

"Youkai can only heal in one way, they require Youki to heal. Without the extra Youki after the birthing the bearers die. But you Inuyasha, are not a Youkai, you are a Hanyou, and you have more then one way of healing." The Goddess said softly.

Inuyasha stared at her, his eyes slowly widening, "I can heal like a human." Inuyasha whispered.

The goddess nodded gravely. "I can make it so that your body, even in the Hanyou state, can heal like a human, and if you are going to continue to drain your Youki to feed your pups as if they had two rather then one parent, I can make it so that your Youki will only heal yourself enough to survive, after that it will heal like a human, scars, marks, pain and all; for the first year of your children's life. If your Youki is not locked into healing you, you will have more energy for fighting and protecting your pups." The goddess said slowly.

Inuyasha shook with joy, "Goddess, I will be beyond grateful if you could do that, my pups will survive, who gives a fuck about the other stuff."

Obviously not the Hanyou, the Goddess's heart ached at the thought. But there was more, unfortunately nothing came without a price, a consequence.

"Young one, there is always a balance that must be maintained. I can however do this without any further repercussion if you save one of your pups, and let the others go." Suijin said softly, the Hanyou was shaking his head at her in horror, steely determination in his face. "No I did not think you would accept that. Young one, to balance what I am going to do, a sacrifice of almost equal proportions is required, you carry 3 pups, allow one to go. I will ensure that they are at peace."

"NO! FUCK NO! I will not sacrifice my pups, all three of them ARE going to live. Take what you want from me, I know you can." Inuyasha said empathetically. "Once my pups are born and safe, you can take my life, if that is not enough you can have my soul, but you will not harm my pups."

The goddess sighed sadly, "Inuyasha you do not understand, it is not I that requires the sacrifice. It is you."

Puppy eyes blinked in confusion.

"Inuyasha you will be draining your Youki to an extent that no other Youkai or Hanyou has done before. Do you believe you can do that without consequence? With only one pup draining you, you will in time replenish your energy by yourself. Two pups put a strain on your system but you would still have a hundred or so years to do what is needed to replenish your Youki. Three pups however changes the picture drastically." The goddess said soberly, looking at the Hanyou. "You will have a maximum of only 10 to 12 years to replenish your Youki."

"How can my Youki be replenished." Inuyasha said softly, somehow knowing that he was not going to like this.

"By doing the reverse of what caused the harm. Birthing done in its worst way is what drained your Youki, the opposite must occur to replenish it. You must carry another litter of pups, and birth them in the best way possible for Youkai, allowing the other father of the pups to replenish you fully. Thus repairing all the damage." The goddess explained.

Inuyasha drew a sharp breathe, only the force of will stopped him from whimpering. He would have to allow that again? He could barely even stand the touch of another, but, if that is what is needed.. "So I have to find a Youkai, who is willing to have pups with me, and just go through the process before 10 years. I can do that. Keh! If I need to I could just hire a Youkai to do that, no problem." Inuyasha said with a slightly sick smile.

"No Inuyasha, I said in the best way. The best way requires love..." The Goddess said softly. Inuyasha frowned at her, pacing and thinking.

"Love. So I have to make my self love, the other father. Heck, if I find a Youkai who likes kids, I think I could make myself love them. It won't be easy but I can definitely make myself love someone who is willing to give me pups and be the other father." Inuyasha nodded firmly, he could learn.

"No! Inuyasha you have it wrong. You may love the other father as much as you want, that is not what is needed. The best way for Youkai birth is when the other father loves the bearer so much that no restriction is on what the other father shares with the bearer. The other father must literally allow his heart, his soul to merge with yours. He would have to sacrifice his Youki to you fully, it is the greatest of sharing, the greatest act of love. That and only that will replenish your Youki." The Goddess said with a smile. She felt a wave of relief, she was worrying overmuch, somehow she did not imagine it would be too hard for this young one to find a mate who truly loved him. She lost her smile a little as the Hanyou paled further.

"So, if my Youki is not replenished what happens?" Inuyasha asked his throat and mouth very dry.

"Then you will die, young one. Your body will give way from inside out. It will not be an easy death." She said, frowning now at the Hanyou's pallor. "Do not look so down, Young one, the solution is after all rather simple."

Inuyasha straighten himself, "Ya whatever. That is the future. What do you need to do now to make sure my pups live."

The next four hours, the Goddess and the Hanyou went though a rather elaborate ritual. Involving cleansing, meditation, ritual chanting, incense and very powerful magic. At the climax, the Goddess placed her trident against the Hanyou's forehead, and a flood of power and blessing engulfed Inuyasha. Moving through his blood and settling in his belly. The drain of Inuyasha's Youki to his pups was immediate. The pups much to the Hanyou's relief felt stronger.

Inuyasha spent the night in the Goddess's palace, the goddess assured him she would gently watch over him, and gave him a final instruction to find his true mate fast. Inuyasha shrugged and bounded off. The Water Goddess palace was not in a safe area, it was too close to the Lands of the West, and the Water Goddess was not exactly able to physically protect anyone. Inuyasha headed north, he needed to find a place that was safe to bring up his pups.

He traveled for a full day, stopping at a tall tree. He jumped up to watch the sunset. He had decisions to make. If his pups were Hanyou, he would go to the mainland. The mountains he had heard of, the Himalayas. There, high above normal human and demon habitations he would build a haven for his pups and other Hanyou, he would build a place where they would be safe, where they could grow up loved. And none would ever know they were Japanese Inus. If his pups were Youkai, and could intentionally transform in their 6th year of so, he would send for Sesshoumaru. Their other father would do right by them.

Inuyasha leaned against the tree, a dry humourless laugh escaped his lips. A simple solution, the Goddess had said, yet one that was absolutely impossible. Inuyasha was never one for self delusion, the only two people who had every loved him without expectations, were his parents, and they were both dead. Nothing Inuyasha had ever done in the rest of his 250 years, has caused another to love him enough to sacrifice their own comforts for him, let alone share their hearts and souls. Now he had to find a male to do it... no powerful Youkai would love a tainted Hanyou like him. Inuyasha would not waste what time he had on impossibilities.

His mother had only been with him for 7 years, and it had been enough. He would be around for 10 years, he would make it enough. His children would be strong, independent and interdependent, they would never know. No body would ever know. His pups would thrive, he would make sure of that, a strange peace settled on Inuyasha. This was all he had needed, the Goddess had given him everything he needed.

He watched the sun set, bathing the forest in hues of gold and muted reds. Yes, this was good. He didn't need a further solution, there really was no problem. He had 10 years to accomplish all he needed, to set his pups on the proper paths. When his time came, he would face it. It was no sacrifice, it was more then a fair deal. He would probably have to make it look like an accident or a battle, he could do that. He would make sure his precious pups were taken care of, and no one would ever know. A slow smile ghosted across the Hanyou's lips, it was enough.

-tbc-

Hate me much? Im sorry... at least I was posted a long chapter and didn't make a cliff hanger here.. that must count for something.. right?

I hope I explained everything clearly, I tried to. Ask if you have any specific questions, next time will respond to each review (cause it'll be weekend and I have time)

Please review!