Innocent Beginnings

Disclaimer: InuYasha and Co. © Rumiko Takahashi

Author Note: Review! Reviewse mee me happy ^_^

Maggz


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Innocent Beginnings

Chapter 4: Scratching The Surface…


I sat on my bed, looking at myself in the mirror that hung over my dresser. Sango had done a good job on me, I had to give her that. I looked almost normal. Sango’s an intern here that only works weekends at Sacred Heart- pretty, young, and very cheerful. Almost TOO happy if you get my meaning. Ever since I came to the Home, she’s tried to become my friend. Ames,mes, I nearly despise her, envying her cheerfulness and happy-go-lucky attitude. At times, I crave her attention and smiles. I’m sure we’d be good friends if I’d just relent a bit… but I don’t know how… not anymore.

She’d found out that the Hara brothers had visited on her off day and then Mrs. Kaede hat itt it spill to her that Sesshomaru was stopping by to visit me again today. I didn’t mind Sango knowing… not really. She’d done a lot for me since I’d been here or at least she’d tried to.

Right after lunch, she’d come down to ask if I’d let herp mep me get dressed for Sesshomaru’s visit. I’d backed off, frowning… I didn’t want her painting me up like some clown or dressing me up like a freak. She’d recognized my look at once and had laughingly reassured me that she knew what she was doing. She gave her friends makeovers all the time, she‘d said.

She’d picked out a simple green sweater for me that she swore brought out the sparkle in my eyes. “Brown eyes are so sweet! so soulful!”, she’d said as she helped me into the sweater. It was a pretty sea-green color with a mock turtleneck and long sleeves. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember just where I’d gotten it. Then the hard part had come… finding something to pair with the sweater. Every single pair of trousers I’d had sent to me by my aunt were way too big for me now. We must’ve tried on at least ten different pair before I called a halt. It was wearing me out and I didn’t want to be tired when it came time for Sesshomaru’s visit.

“Wait just a second… how about a skirt? I saw a pretty long beige corduroy skirt hanging behind those jeans. That would look nice with some dark tights maybe.”, she said and started pawing for the skirt. Pulling it out with a flourish, she helped me into it and then started to dig thru my sock drawer until she found a pair of dark brown tights. She helped me into those and stood back to inspect me with a serious look on her face.

“Your hair. Where’s your brush?”, sskedsked and I pointed toward a bag sitting by my desk. She picked it up and unzipped it, fishing around until she’d pulled out a brush and some simple brown hair barrettes. She counted strokes as she pulled the brush thru my hair and I found myself relaxing as she did… my eyes drifting closed. She must’ve brushed until she’d counted to 200 because by the time she was finished, I was nearly asleep. Standing in front of me, she slid the barrettes into the sides of my hair, pinning it back and fluffed it out over my shoulders.

“Lip gloss.”, she mumbled and I growled… the closest I could come to saying NO to her at the moment.

“It’s got no color, Rin. Trust me, I’m not going to make you look like some tramp. I know what I’m doing. I promise if you don’t like it, we’ll wash it off. There’s time.”, she said.

With a huff of breath, I agreed and for the next ten minutes she worked on my makeup without a word from either of us. When she put everything back in my case, she turned to look at me and the prettiest smile slid across her lips.

“You are deadly!”, she grinned, clapping her hands. I seriously doubted THAT but I did want to make sure she hadn’t painted me up like some French harlot. She turned me so that I was facing the mirror and my first reaction was shock. Was that ME? I’d grosed sed to the lank dull hair, the flat expressionless eyes, the dry lips and pale skin. What I saw before me now was something of the girl I’d been before the accident and I didn’t know what to say.

“Do you like it?”, she asked, clasping her hands underneath her chin.

I reached a hand up to touch my face. I didn’t look ‘made up’ at all. I looked fresh and healthy. I swear it looked as if I’d just returned from a run outside in brisk weather. It looked as if I were blooming.

“Rin? Is it OK? If you don’t like it, I can wash it off. It’s ok, I don’t mind.”, she said, stepping toward me.

“No, I like it.”, I said very softly. Sango put a hand to her mouth and stifled what sounded like a sob. I sure didn’t want her to CRY! I put my hand out to touch her arm and she sniffed, smiled and wiped her face.

“Ok then. Well, I saw a cute pair of leather clogs in there that would just complete the total image.”, she said, her eyes bright with tears. I nodded, wanting her to stop crying… it wasn’t that big of a deal! Still… she touched my heart.

I was ready and waitin thr three o’clock. My heart refused to slow, even tho I took several deep breaths and tried to play my counting game, to no avail. Sango had left at three, wishing me a good time and telling me she’d stop by first thing in the morning to see how my visit had went with Sesshomaru. I’d smiled, waved and watched as she skipped out my doorway and down the hall.

Three thirty came and I felt my palms begin to tingle, the hair on the back of my neck grow damp. I tried to play my game again, tried to make an hour go by but every time I heard a door open down the hallway, I’d hold my breath, waiting for the sound of footsteps to stop outside my door.

I started to cry when the clock moved to four o’clock and got angry at myself because of it. I’d sworn I wasn’t going to let him in too close. It even sounded stupid to my ears that I’d be saying THAT. I mean, who’d said he WANTED to get close? Nobody but my foolish heart. Weak from the excitement of playing dressup with Sango and from the anticipation of seeing Sesshomaru, I must’ve fallen asleep in my chair by my bedroom window…

*****

“Hey…”, a soft husky voice, a brush of fingertips against my cheek. “Rin… what is this? You want me to kiss you awake, is that it? Let you play Sleeping Beauty whilst I play your Prince Charming?”

I opened my eyes and there he was.

“Sesshomaru.”, I croaked, clearing my throat and suddenly shy, looked away from him.

“You waited for me and I’m late.”, he said softly, looking down at me. “I have no excuse other than I overslept. I took a nap when I got home, had a horrid hangover, you know, and I overslept. I’m sorry, Rin.”, he said. “I must’ve broken every damned traffic law there is just trying to get here to you as I did.”

“It’s ok.”, I said, feeling my face turn red.

“No, it’s not. But thanks for saying that. Do you have us a kiss?”, he asked me.

“I? Me?”, I asked, turning to face him.

“Rin! Of course you. Right here!”, he said, tapping his freshly shaven cheek. I could see the slight razor burn there, smell the clean scent of his aftershave. I leaned forward a bit as he leaned down, bracing my hands on the arms of my chair and pressed my lips to his cheek.

“That’s my girl. Now I feel forgiven.”, he smiled. “Look, I brought you something”, he grinned, reaching into the pocket of his black suede jacket and pulling forth a small brightly wrapped package. It was wrapped in gold foil with tiny silver stars scattered across it, a pretty gold and silver curly cue ribbon decorating the top. I looked up at him and he smiled as he pressed it into my hands.

“I hope you like it.’, he said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. “Go on now, open it up.”, he urged.

I nodded, biting my lip. I was terrified I’d be unable to open the gift, just as I’d been unable to use my spoon that very morning for breakfast. Pulling at the gold and silver ribbon, I heard the paper underneath it give and sighed in relief. Using my fingernail, I edged underneath the rip and had it off very quickly. Lifting the lid of the little box, I peeked inside and then looked over at him.

“Verdict please?”, he grinned, taking the box from my trembling hands so that he could lift out what was inside. “I saw this and thought of you at once.”

It was a simple gold chain- very thin and delicate with a tiny golden crescent moon hanging from the middle of it. It was the prettiest thing I think I’d ever seen and he was going to fasten it around my neck. It was mine- for me from Sesshomaru. He held my hair up with one hand as he slid the chain against my neck wthe the other. Then pushing the hair to one side, he fastened the necklace.

“Let me look at you.”, he said, stepping around in front of me and kneeling down so that we were eye level. I looked back at him, thinking again just how beautiful a shade of amber his eyes were. I wondered just what you’d call that particular shade, it was just too pretty to be called, amber.

“Looks perfect. Look here.”, he said and moved his shirt collar back a bit- a matching necklace hung around his own neck. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Forever, Rin. I mean it. I’m here for you. I want you to believe it. There may be times I’m away from you, in another country or wherever my job demands I be but NEVER will I leave you stranded. You’ve got my mobile number, you can call me anytime. If I don’t answer, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Do you understand me?”, he asked.

Looking at him, I tried very hard NOT to let him get to me. I bit down on the inside of my cheek until I tasted my own blood. I let my fingernails sink into my palms… anything to keep him out of my heart. Anything to make him stay right where he had always been in my life since I‘d first spotted him on a magazine- a beautiful but untouchable fantasy.

I mean, it was OK for him to call and chat. It was fine for him to visit… who am I kidding? It was more than brilliant for him to do either of these things… but to offer more… to tell me he would never leave, that he’d always be there for me and to give me a gift that symbolized it was just a bit more than I could handle.

“Rin? Are you zoning on me again cause if you are-”, I heard him say but from very far away. “RIN!”, he said and this time it seemed louder. I could see his face right in front of mine, see the amber irises as golden as the summer sun… see the alarm written all over that beautiful, beautiful face. His hands were on my biceps, squeezing me until I wanted to scream from the pain.

“Answer me!”, he says… and I feel the warmth of his breath against my cheek. He shakes me… not to gently either and I blink and it’s over… I’m breathing and the room is there and he’s there and I’m OK.

“What the FUCK was THAT?”, he asked, his face pale as he sank to my bed once more. He put his head in his hands then ran his fingers thru his hair until it stuck up in funny little spikes all over his head. Then he looked up at me
“R
“Rin, you just scared the ever-loving FUCK out of me!”, he gasped, his eyes so bright they appeared almost neon. “What did you just DO?”, he asked me again

“I… I don’t know…”, I said. And I didn’t. I swear to God I didn’t. If he’d asked me to explain it or die, I’d just have had to die.

“You need me to go get a nurse?”, he asked, starting to stand.

“No… no… I’m fine… it’s ok…”, I said, scared that I’d really pushed him off me now but maybe that was what I wanted… or was it? I couldn’t remember anymore… whenever he came near me, I didn’t think so clearly.

“Fuck…”, he mumbled under his breath, looking quickly back up at me as if to apologize, then apparently thought better of it. Some part of me felt as if I’ve pissed him off by what I’d done and for some strange reason, THAT made me start to giggle.

“You’re laughing.”, he said, shaking his head as a frown deepened the crease in his forehead. “You are laughing… why?”, he asked, cocking his head sideways to get a better look at me.

“I’m not crazy.”, I choked out, saying the first thing that popped into my head. And I wasn’t. For the very first time in six months I was feeling like myself… not a shadow…

Was it the laughter? I don’t know… but when I saw Sesshomaru’s face break into a huge grin, I knew it was right and I was gonna be ok.

Reaching over me, he grabbed a tissue out of the box on my desk and bending down, proceeded to wipe the tears from my cheeks as he smiled down at me. My eyes caught his necklace as he leaned over me, the little gold moon swinging with each movement he made.

“Ok now?”, he asked, crumpling the tissue in his fist and shooting it toward the trash bin.

“Yeah, I’m ok… sorry“, I said softly, hiccupping once.

“It’s alright, I guess.’, he said, looking intently at me once more. “Just what was that, Rin? You need to tell me if that kind of thing happens often, so I can be prepared!”, he gently scolded.

“I don’t know. I mean, it’s never happened before. Maybe it’s the necklace.”, I said, reaching up to touch the tiny moon. It felt warm against my fingertip, made me feel safe.

“The fucking…? Sorry. The necklace?”, he asked, his brows rising nearly into his soft, silver fringe.

“It’s just… I don’t know, Sesshomaru.”, I said. I WANTED to tell him exactly WHAT had run thru my mind when he’d stood there making those sweet promises to me. I wanted to have him near but then I DIDN’T. I was so damned confused.

“Rin. You don’t trust me, is that it?”, he asked, scooting to the edge of the bed so that he could reach over and grab one of my hands. “Cold as ever, I’m buying you cashmere gloves as soon as I leave here.”, he mumbled, reaching for my other hand to gather between his two warm ones.

I could only look at him. What was I supposed to do? If I thought he was offering MORE than he actually was and I told him my fears of letting him too close to me… then it would sound childish and stupid. But if I sat there and said nothing, he’d think I was hiding things from him, not wanting him near and maybe he’d back away… IF he was wanting to get closer to me.

I moaned, trying to pull my hands from his so that I could cover my face but he held fast.

“Come here”, he said softly and I watched as he dropped my hands, then stood over me, reaching down to scoop me into his arms. I did the first thing that came into my mind, I grabbed two fistfuls of shirt and held on for dear life, burying my face against his chest. I was scared, excited, felt cared for but afraid to let go.

He settled himself in the chair across from my bed, arranging me in his lap with one of his arms securely about my shoulders, cradling my head. With his free hand, he clasped my two once again and then smiled down into my face.

“There, that’s better.”, he said. “Now you can talk to me and I can listen. I’ve got all afternoon.”

“I want to tell you… but-”, I said, tears clogging my throat. Oh God, how I wanted to let go… how I wanted to be able to curl into his warmth and never move again. He was so strong, solid, and REAL.

“Then just say it. Tell me.”, he said softly.

“I’m not sure what you want from me, Sesshomaru or even IF you want ANYTHING at all. I’m not sure why you’re here with me and why you bought such a lovely gift for me. I can’t DO anything, I can’t BE anything anymore. I can’t even use a SPOON! I can’t dress myself, I can’t WALK. I don’t want to talk to anybody… I don’t want to live anymore but I don’t want to die either. I’m scared…”, I said, tears tickling my cheeks as they slid ofd drd dropped into my lap. I watched his face the entire time I talked. I figured it was better to face up to my fears with him and allow him to crush them gently, if need be, rather than go on living in a dream world… a world where I thought he’d exist by my side from now on.

“Oh Rin…”, he said, his eyes taking on the puppy dog sadness I’d seen in pictures so often. I’d always thought there was so much more underneath the Sesshomaru that people saw… his eyes just spoke volumes.

“I don’t WANT you feeling badly for me, Sesshomaru. I’ve got money if I need it, I’ve got a home to go to when I’m ready and I’m happy…”, I said, my voice trailing away… I wasn’t happy and I knew it.

“You’re not happy.”, he said, letting go of my hands so that he could brush a tear from my cheek. “What can I do to make you happy?”

“You’re here.”, I said.

“That makes you happy?”

“Yes.”

“But what about when I can’t be here? What about when I’m gone for months at a stretch?”

“You said you’d call.”

“I will, but I don’t want you placing all of your happiness into my hands, Rin. No, now don’t look at me that way!”, he said. I realized I might as well be transparent as far as he was concerned. He could read my thoughts as soon as they surfaced within me.

“You think I’m letting you go or pushing you away… that’s not it. I meant what I said about being here for you, always. It’s just that I know you’re a brilliant girl, I know you have friends and family that can BE there for you when I can’t and I don’t want you depending on one person, ME… for all of your happiness. I’m NOT pushing you away, Rin!”, he said, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Look at me when I talk to you.”, he said firmly and I did.

“If you don’t want to be here, Sesshomaru you can go. You did your job, you’ve been nice to me. I don’t expect you to carry on with it. If you want to go, just go.”, I said.

“Listen to yourself, Rin. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t WANT to be. If I was just fulfilling a promise or doing something to make myself LOOK good to the public, I’d have left it at the visit we had two days ago! But I LIKE you a lot. I want to get to know you. I LIKE spending time with you, I enjoyed chatting on the phone with you the other night. Let me tell you something, Rin. I get lonely too. Selfishly, that’s why I called you from Taipei. I was lonely. I needed a warm, friendly, familiar voice that didn’t belong to someone else.”, he said.

“Why?”

“Why? Because you intrigue me. You’ve got so much hidden underneath the girl that sits in the wheelchair by the east window… and I’m gonna be one of the people in your life to FIND that. But don’t let it just be ME, Rin. Share yourself with others. Let others help you to find your way. Don’t shut yourself off.”, he said.

“I’m not.”

‘Yes, you are. Who comes to see you, Rin? Who calls you? Who have you befriended here? Tell me.”, he said.

“I don’t WANT any of that.”

“But you NEED it.”

“How do you know what I need? You don’t even KNOW me.”, I said.

“I’m getting there if you’ll allow me to, Rin. But you need more than one person in your life. You also need to quit being so damned stubborn.”, he said.

“I’m not stubborn. I just don’t care.”, I said.

He was quiet for a moment…

“See?”, he said finally.

“See what?”

“You know what the problem is. You’re halfway THERE. I’m not letting you push me aside. I’ll be here every chance I get, I d car care how damned angry you get.”, he said firmly.

I turned my head so that I was looking right at him… right into his eyes.

“Do you promise?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t promise me that if you can’t do it, Sesshomaru.”, I said, my voice trembling, my heart racing.

“I wouldn’t promise if I didn’t think I could do it. Like I said, I don’t have a regular schedule and more often that not you’re gonna get frustrated with me until you can get used to just WHAT that means. I’ve got commitments, family and friends. But I’ve got you too, now. I promise.”, he said, pulling me against him so that my cheek rested against his.

“Then I promise to try to become human again.”, I said, not exactly sure WHAT I was getting myself into but willing to try, if only for him.