Innocent Beginnings

Innocent Beginnings
By: Maggz
Disclaimer: InuYasha and Co. © Rumiko Takahashi

Chapter 39: All By Myself, Don't Wanna Be

I remember awakening sometime during the night - heart pounding, sweat running off me in rivulets - as I gasped for air. It took me a full minute to realize I was really OK and another full minute to figure out that I was in Kohaku's apartment, on Kohaku's sofa, wrapped in Sesshomaru's safe, strong arms.


Relief washed over me as I took a shaking breath and smoothed a hand over Sesshomaru's where it rested flat on my belly.


"Rin?", he whispered softly in the darkness.


"Yeah?"


"Everything OK?", he asked.


"It is now."


"Bad dream?", he inquired, his fingers drumming lightly against the soft t-shirt that covered my stomach.


"Yeah...", I breathed. "How did you know?"


"You were mumbling, moving around.", he offered, his hand pressing into my tummy now.


"I'm sorry if I woke you.", I said, turning my head so that I was looking into his eyes now. I could barely make out his features in the inky blackness but as always, his eyes called out to me.


"You didn't. I haven't really been sleeping.", he said, moving his hand up to brush my hair from my face.


"What time is it?", I asked, reaching for his arm. Turning his wrist so I could read the luminous blue dial, I saw that it had gone nearly 3am and holding to him, I moved it underneath his jaw so that the gfromfrom the watch illuminated his face.


"What is it?", he smiled lazily, making my heart turn crazy flips.


"Nothing. Just wanted to look at you, I guess.", I said. "Sesshomaru -"


"I know...", he breathed, closing his eyes as he bit down on his lip. "Kohaku told me..."


"Kohaku told you WHAT?", I asked, holding my breath.


"About you being pissed at me, about why you were so angry, about why you called me a liar. I'm sorry.", he said, his golden eyes huge.


"But, what did he SAY?", I asked. I wanted it to come from his lips into my ear. I wanted to hear him say he knew he'd upset me because he'd claimed HER. I needed that. I deserved it!


"Kagura.", he said finally.


"Why, Sesshomaru?", I whispered. "Why do you do it?"


"I don't know. Sometimes I think I love her. Sometimes I THINK she feels the same for me. Sometimes... I just fucking don't KNOW!", he sighed.


My stomach pulled itself into knots, which wasn't a good thing considering I'd spent most of the evening worshipping Kohaku's toilet. Sesshomaru was opening up to me, but not like I wanted, not at all. I wanted him to talk to me, I wanted him to share his thoughts and fears with me but I wanted those thoughts and fears to be about US - not THEM, not HER
"
"She's really a right bitch, you know?", he said. "Nobody likes her, not even my family can stand her."


"Hmm...", I breathed. I didn't know what to say. I HATED her, DESPISED her! If he was expecting an ally in the form of ME as regarding HER, he was going to be sorely disappointed.


"She's rude. She lies...", he continued.


"I see...", I whispered, closing my eyes. Hadn't I said the very same thing about HIM?


"But I get lonely, Rin. When it seems like everybody else has somebody to turn to, I realize I have nobody. I mean... you know... not like THAT...", he stumbled over the words and I saw at once that he was in his own way, fully opening up himself to me for really the very first time, even if it WAS about her. How could I turn him away or get angry with him for that when he'd brought me back from the very edge of disaster at Sacred Heart? How could I, in my right mind, refuse him a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen?


I swallowed hard, my eyes stinging with unshed tears for all the lost hopes and dreams I'd had. Was I forever destined to always be his `buddy'? Would I never know what it felt like to be loved by him? Truly and completely loved??


"You shouldn't settle for second best, Sesshomaru.", I said, reaching out to take hold of his hand. Threading my fingers through his, I looked into his eyes and forged ahead...


"Youspecspecial. Sometimes I think you sell yourself way short, you know? I mean, you have so much to offer, so much to give. Your love knows no bounds and to give it away to someone that accepts it only on their terms and then turns right around and flings it back in your face... it's just not right. Why can't you see that?", I asked him.


"I'm just ME, Rin. Nothing special, no different from the next guy that walks down the street.", he breathed. "I got lucky, you know? This life... it's all a stroke of luck. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without it. But right now I'm just so goddamned confused!", he said.


The pain in his voice, the way he clutched my hands, it nearly did me in. I'd never really thought that much about HIS pain, you know? I'd been so busy thinking he was this strong, intense, beautiful man that was always there for me and always WOULD be that I'd forgotten, I think, that he had deep feelings, fears, and pain too. The realization was like a cold bucket of water being dumped over my head and only later did I realize that some or MOST of his self confessed confusion was stemming from his tormented feelings for ME.


"I don't know what it's like for you, Sesshomaru. But I DO know that for what it's worth - you never have to feel alone. I want you to know that I've always meant what I said to you a long time ago. I'm HERE for you the same as you've been here for me. I could never hope to repay you for everything you've done for me, I know that. But I can't stand the thought of you needing someone or feeling alone..."


"I know that, Rin! I do! But you have so much going on right now in your life, so many new and exciting decisions and God... after tonight... why the HELL am I even getting into my problems?!", he hissed, suddenly shifting gears on me as he shook his hand loose from my own.


Startled by his behavior, I frowned and tried to sit up but he held me down, sliding one leg over mine to keep me firmly where I lay on my back. Something had been lost between us; either he'd blocked himself away from me once again or I'd fucked things up. I didn't know which one it was but I knew that whatever might have been about to happen between us for that brief, bright, magical space of time wasn't going to now.


"We aren't finished by a long shot about what happened tonight, Rin. You know, I hate to see you sick as you were but damned if part of me isn't glad you got to hang over the toilet tonight.", he said.


I ground my teeth together and squeezed my eyes shut, clenching my hands into fists. How DARE he slide into big brother mode so soon after he'd been so loving and kind only moments before! It took everything IN me not to smack him senseless right there!


THIS was what was driving me slowly, completely, and irrevocably insane! HIM!!!!


I lay there, the pressure of his thigh heavy over mine, listening to him sermonize to me one long minute into the next and with each sweep of the clock hand, I got more and more angry, more and more frustrated, grew more and more detached from him.


After awhile, the constant drone of his voice put me back to sleep and the next time I opened my eyes, realizing my bladder was full to bursting and that I HAD to get to the bathroom or else... I realized I was alone on the sofa... all by myself.


Tiptoeing down the hallway, I took care of my business first and then stepped into the tub so that I could peer out the window over it that faced the street.


His car wasn't there.


He'd left.


And he hadn't even said goodbye.


A sob slid heavily from my chest up into my mouth and with a low moan, I sank down against the cold porcelain of the bathtub, wrapped my arms around my knees and cried like a baby. For how long, I just do not know.


Sometime later, Kohaku - apparently needing to take care of his OWN bursting business - stumbled upon me there. Without a word, even though I'm sure I scared the hell out of him, he pulled me up into his arms, cradled me against his chest and walked back with me to his bedroom.


I clung to him, the proverbial life raft he was to me. Something in me was terrified of letting him go, even so far as to allow him to turn away from me during what remained of the night in sleep. It seemed every time I sank down into the depths of my exhaustion, I'd feel him move and reaching out for him, I'd push myself completely against him, wrapping my arms and legs around him to keep him close until eventually, he was kissing me and I was kissing him back.


Urgent and hot, demanding but safe, the kisses grew deeper and wetter until we suddenly lay naked and panting against each other, looking one into the other's eyes.


"Rin...", he moaned, his mouth lowering to mine as he slid his hand between us and brought me the release I so desperately craved. Crying out into the darkness, my heart pounding with a rush of adrenalin, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, his need and want shining strong.


"Oh, Kohaku...", I whispered, moving so that I was leaning over him. "My beautiful, beautiful Kohaku.", I sighed, lowering my lips to his collar bone as he shuddered beneath me. Easing down a bit more, I let me tongue lap away at his skin, tasting salt and sweetness. When my lips brushed against a nipple, I heard him groan in pleasure and using what I'd learned from him, decided it was high time I spend a bit more time there so that I could give him some of the same pure bliss he'd always given so unselfishly to me.


"Rin, you don't have to...", he gasped as my tongue traveled slowly south, sweetly nipping the sensitive skin just around his belly button. His mouth might've protested but his body didn't. Not at all...


His fingers slid into my hair and caught as I reached out and touched him there for the very first time. He was warm, hot even, in my hand. Hard as steel but smooth as satin. I could feel his eyes on me as I slid him into my mouth, bit by aching bit. As soon as my tongue brushed over the crest of his cock, he cried out, his hips bucking harshly against the bed. Taking a moment, I placed my hands on either side of him, holding him as I gently sucked at the moist, thick head.


"Oh, Rin... God, Rin... please, RIN!", he groaned, urgently fucking my mouth as he wanted to fuck ME! I ached for him, truly and completely ached for him to the very depths of my soul but I KNEW - and I knew HE knew - that we wouldn't go that far... ever! It was like an unspoken rule between us, but then... maybe not... because how many times had I heard him tell me that he knew of my love for Sesshomaru and Sesshomaru's for me?


You won't understand this but that's OK `cause neither do I... not even now.


Like I've said a million and one times before, I loved both of them with everything in my soul. If made to choose between the two of them I simply could not have. It would've been far better for me to allow them both freedom from the likes of me, rather than choose one over the other and it was just something I could not do. Not then, maybe not ever.


Was it right?


Who knows?


But I don't regret anything I ever did with either of them. I don't regret the times I spent in Kohaku's arms, the kisses he shared with me, the taste of him in my mouth or the feel of him on my body. I loved him. I'd have died for him. He was and always will be a monumental force in my life and I feel that if you asked him right now - today - how he felt about me, well, he'd say the very same thing.


But Sesshomaru...


Fate had promised us to each other. Some cruel twist of fortune, I was now more sure than ever, had bound us hand and foot together because never had I wanted him more, never had I needed him more than I did at this point in my life. When I found myself so busy trying to prove myself, lose myself, find myself... it was HIM I was ultimately reaching for, and it was HIM that constantly reached out for me, only to pull back at the last possible second - leaving me stranded and cold, lonely and afraid...


And then Kohaku would be there...


...to pick up me up, dust me off, kiss me sweetly, and tell me that everything would be ok as long as I held on, gave it time, trusted the fates...