Blue moon and Red Fire

Chapter 35: Gonna hurt like hell

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This one gets lengthy but has a rather important ending I think, so stick with it. After this three chapters left. I promise.

SDI

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Dizzy… he was dizzy.

Souta felt an overwhelming disorientation, as if the world were spinning before his blind eyes and every time he tried to take a step he ended up in different direction. Where…where was he? “Kouga?” He called out, lifting his head and looking around as if he could still see, out of habit. There was no reply, only the sound of wind pushing through the trees with a low hiss. “Kouga!?” No response.

Why wasn’t he answering?! Where was Kouga?!

Where was *he*?!

His stomach sunk inside of his body and his chest felt like his ribs had began squeezing down on his heart. Suddenly he was more aware the darkness in front of his eyes then ever before, he felt like he was locked in some dark, empty cell, alone.

Well, not completely alone.

“Stop doing that!” He screamed! Calm down! Calm down! Doing whatever your doing! He was being invaded by the snake’s overwhelming sense of danger, and subsequent lashing out, as if it was pounding against undefined boundaries. His own feelings of anxiety and fear were compounded, it was too much to handle.

The snake only hissed, maybe defiantly, at him.

No, no,no! He couldn‘t be lost! He knew his way back, it wasn‘t that hard! Where was Kouga? Where was Kouga! Kouga wouldn‘t have let him wonder off, he hadn‘t even gone that far!! Kouga wouldn‘t just disappear, he wouldn‘t just leave him! “Kouga! Kouga!” Fearfully. “Inuyasha?! Houjo?! Anybody?!” Desperately.

Which way?! Which way did he go?! Where was the house?! A fear swelled inside of him like smoke from a flame, his mind reeling, thoughts racing, heart pounding even faster. “Somebody!” He cried out at the top of his lungs, he could hear his voice echo, and only silence accompanied it. “-…” He would have screamed again had his vocal cords not suddenly become weak, and his throat not become so dry he couldn’t hear the words he’d spoke, let alone being loud enough for anyone else noticing it.

The snake hissed again.

“What?! What do you want?!” His eyes itched and became wet with tears, streaming down his face and dripping off of his chin. He tried to scream again but his voice came out too horse to raise above a whisper. “What are you trying to say?!” He snapped at the parasite, maybe just as the snake often did at him. Maybe it was inclined to, since it seemed to always be in a state of anger.

He was invaded again by the sense of danger.

It was aggravating, he couldn’t be afraid for himself because he was too overcome by feelings that weren’t even his. “Just…Just calm down.” Souta finally said, the last wave of dangerous feelings had made it clear to him now. He wasn’t feeling dizzy because he was afraid, it wasn’t the anxiety making his world spin, it was the snake. Each time he was flooded with the snake’s anxiety, an aversive reaction followed, strong enough to give him a new focus. “Calm down, Calm down…” He said, reciting it to the snake and himself. How could he calm the snake down if he was terrified himself?

Souta’s arms found themselves folded tightly over his chest, his head held down, eyes clinched shut. It was too quiet, what happened to the wind!? No, don’t think about it, just calm down, just calm…

This…wasn’t working. “Crap..” Frustration.

He couldn’t will himself into calm, just like he couldn’t talk himself in to it. How could one be calm when they didn’t feel safe? When they were in an unknown place, and didn’t know what would happen next.

…Wait… Inuyasha had said something to him about this once, something about his fear. He said that it didn’t matter if you were afraid or not as long as you acted brave…or something like that. ‘Act brave, just act brave.’ he recited. Just act as if your not scared…

The snake flooded him with danger and his world turned on it’s side.

Souta stumbled and fell to his knees. ‘What!?’ He shouted with frustration, feeling faintly as though he’d be sick if this continued, preoccupying his thoughts for a few troubled seconds. Then he froze, all nausea forgotten. A burst of warm breath on his shoulder, a sudden scent where there was none, the heat of a presence and the sun blocking shadow that came with it, all very close. Not Kouga’s scent, not the size of Kouga’s shadow, it was smaller.

He nearly screamed.

Souta scrambled to his feet with his new found speed and darted out of the way, his tail finding it’s way lose from his leg and out above the rim of his pants when he began running. A similar scent became stronger, and a form blocked the flow of heat in front of him for a split second before a burst of wind came and wiped away the scent and the heat outline, blinding him. It was enough warning though. “!!” He came to a sliding halt, turned, and ran the other way. “Leave me alone!” He cried out with a trembling voice.

“Souta!”

Souta flinched and stopped, too suddenly it seemed, he lost his balance and he felt himself tumbling weightlessly, ending up face first on the ground. Too afraid to stop and feel anything more then a distant impact, he rolled on to his back and his dark vision was greeted with the wolf pup standing above him. “Whoa!” It was a startling change, and for a few seconds he was suspended with uncertainty. “Y-You? W-was that you back there?”

“No, wasn’t me.” The wolf pup replied simply. So carelessly, how could he be so calm when he himself was so terrified, this was dangerous!

Souta looked around, hoping he could see something else. No, everything else was as dark as it had always been. “Hey, where am I?” He was comforted by the wolf’s presence.

“I don’t know.” The pup shrugged.

“Am I near my house?”

“No.”

“Well…can you see where it is?”

“Nah, it’s nowhere around.”

The suspended anxiety returned, “No, no, no…” He groaned, “How did this happen?”

“I’m sure you’ll find your way back.” The boy said, “But…”

“But?”

“That big… monster thingy.” With The wolf pup stretched his arms out wide, speaking with the articulation of someone about Souta’s age. “It’s coming.” He looked at Souta questioningly. “Don’t you feel it?”

Now he really was terrified. “N…n-no…”

“You gotta get ready, it’s coming right for you!”

Souta climbed on to his feet and looked around again, futile, then tried his best to stand still and sense it… “…” The static electricity like buzz across his skin, the sensation that bubbled up through the fibers of his muscles, it *was* coming. “No, no no!” Fearfully, eyes darting around with the desperate hope of seeing it coming. “What am I gonna do! I can’t even see!” Quick thoughts ran through his head, quickly ruminating from one anxious thought to a terror filled one to a horrified one.

“Don’t give up Souta! Your strong, you can fight this.” The pup encouraged him.

What?

Souta stared at him incredulously, was he insane? How could he even contemplate fighting, or even stranger yet, winning? Did he not see this thing, had he not see it grow stronger with each encounter as they had? If Inuyasha and Kouga couldn’t beat it, what possible hope did a weak, blind kid have? “No! We have to go! We have to get out of here!”

“And go where?” The pup shrugged, “Besides, I know you can win, even if you don’t.” A proud, prophetic like confidence.

It was baffling. “I can’t beat that thing!”

The wolf pup lifted his arm and pointed his eyes far off. “It’s here.”

The reactive sensations swelled inside of him and his heart skipped a beat, he turned as if to see, but found darkness, accompanied by a deep, quaking eruption of sound. He could feel the tremors resonating through the ground to his feet, it was here. “We have to get-” He looked back only to find the wolf pup was gone, disappearing as always. “Hey! Wait! Don’t leave me…” Was the pup really his friend? Or was he just not able to control his comings and goings.

Another eruption sounded right before him.

He felt his hands trembling at his side, his legs grew weak, his stomach quivered, “!!” He keeled over at the sudden uprising from his stomach and began to vomit, the contents of his stomach bubbling up into his throat and pushing upwards until it was empty and he was hampered by dry heaves. He was left gasping for air. ‘Too weak, I’m too weak.’ He thought, ‘I’m so scared I threw up. I can barely move my legs.’ Inuyasha had said something about what he was supposed to do when he was afraid, but he was so scared he couldn’t remember.

He could feel the resonate vibrations of something, something large, pushing out of the ground nearby, he could hear the grinding of earth of dirt being pushed aside or drilled through, and the spray dust and rocks raining down on him. A tree tentacle maybe?

Something wrapped around both of his legs, a slick, soft yet firm muscle almost like a tongue. “!!” More tendrils oozed out of the ground without much resistance, and latched on to him. With in a few seconds dozens of them had accumulated and bound on to him. The Snake belted out a loud, jarring hiss in Souta’s head and flinched and remembered himself, ‘Move!’ He screamed to himself and began struggling, fighting against his restrictions.

It was far easier then he’d anticipated to break free, with a few, strained steps he was able to rip out of his hold. ’?’ Either they’d gotten a lot weaker or.., it didn’t matter, Souta’s racing mind didn’t even acknowledge the notion.

A burst of wind struck his face, the snake hissed a warning, he heard the large object hurtling through the air, and with eyes wide his mind compiled a vague image of a tree tentacle blurring at him. “Ghhaaaa!” His body trembled and he dropped to the ground, not having enough time to cover his head before a tree tentacle passed over him, every ounce of it’s force was felt in the wake of the winds that threatened to tear him away.

He wasn’t alone.

A quick and dry realization. He focused on the snake’s presence, clinging to it, hoping to alleviate his fear. He needed that snake right now more then he ever needed anything. Don’t leave! Don’t leave! Why was this happening!?

Souta scrambled to his feet, a heavy push through the still air sounded with a faint howl above him, and a crushing weight and force pounded into his back, slamming him back down hard. The air was driven from his lungs with a sharp scream and his body felt as if it had been smashed apart, no more air to cry out with. ’I’m gonna die! I gonna die! I’m gonna die!’ Fear ignited an intense desperation, weak moans, sharp inhales, all of it did no good.

He could feel the snake’s presence receding from him. Was it taking over? Or maybe he was passing out, maybe he was simply dying. Pain, death, fear, reckless despair. ‘It hurts!’ Tears escaped from his eyes with breathless, pitiful gasps. Where was the snake?!

Souta’s withering halted and he grasped handful’s of the grass.

Where was the demon pup?! Where was Kouga?!

He pushed upward against the weight, rapid pants filling his lungs with swallows of air.

Where was Houjo!? Where was Inuyasha?!

The pain seemed to tear through his back, and the moment he was able he started to scream. But he didn’t stop pushing, fear was like a charged line of electricity coursing through him that coerced his body into movement. His arms trembled violently, rising slowly, inch by inch , racing heart and churning blood were like ice causing cold chills. And then he didn’t feel it, the pain had left him and he forgot about it. “I…don’t want to die!” He screams, and with one, final push he gained just enough leverage to sip out of the weight and stagger into an unsteady stance.

He didn’t want to die! He had to…had to fight…!

His throat tighten with a painful discomfort as Souta propelled himself forward. Mind racing as he leapt with heightened strength onto the tree tentacle. Body in tremors as he raised his fist, his muscles felt as if they had gone so weak that he was amazed he could keep his hand clinched. Even still, when he drove it down it easily pierced the taunt, wet flesh, he could feel fluid soaking his arm. Kill it! Kill it now or it’d come back, it’d kill him! He didn’t want to die! Energy buzzed through his body and he pounded his other arm as deep as it could reach, this was far easier then he had imagined. “Unn!” He grabbed the first thing he felt and ripped outward, nearly halving the limb. He felt it go limp and he jumped out.

‘What…the?’ He paused, panting heavily, staring down at his arms as if he could still see them. He was…stronger. He didn’t feel any stronger, or any differently, but things were easier, he didn’t have to exert nearly as much force to jump or punch.

The ground rumbled more intensely under his left leg then his right, a burrowing sound, his ears were popping . A dark image formed in his head and he flinched when he felt how close it was. “!” He stumbled and fell on to his back, struck with the stray splatter of a span of tentacles shooting past him over head. ‘I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die…’ He sobbed silently, wishing he could hold something or someone tightly and hide until it was all over.

Just barely, through the pounding heart and racing energy, he felt a faint pull inside of him, more like a weight he was holding in his head. Strange, he hadn’t noticed it before. It had risen up, like a sudden anger might.

‘I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die…’ Tears rolled down the side of his face, the tentacles blocked out the heat of the sun and he could *feel* them raining down out of sky towards his body, the sensation was awkward, uncomfortable and traversed his body. He could feel the motions of the tentacles as if he was making them himself, they were like pin pricks moving around under his skin. It made him even more terrified, heart pounding, mind reeling fear, intensifying the visceral sensations, god, he could *feel* it. What was this?! It made his tail twitch anxiously and then wrap around his leg. This was creepy. “Ghhaaaaaa!” He screamed, clinching his eyes and his mouth and throwing his hands defensively as if to catch the tide poring down on him like a wave.

….?

He couldn’t feel his heart, he didn’t breath. Several frozen seconds passed. He felt nothing, not a single contact, but their proximity was so close that he could feel the humid heat radiating off the serpentine forms. He was frozen, staring up into the darkness of his eyes, he saw them stabbing into his body, digging flesh, spurting blood, screaming cries in terror filled fantasies as if he was watching it before his eyes. He didn’t move…

His body was clinched and trembling, he was still, it was still… ‘…’

Where was Inuyasha… God he was terrified…Inuyasha, fear… brave, just act brave. ‘Act brave, Act brave, Act brave…’ He tried to swallow, but his dry throat only cracked painfully. The snake hissed, “Nayyaa!” and he flinched, and heard them make a shuttering twitch. ‘Brave, brave, brave…’ He felt the snake inside of him and latched to it’s presence, and it made him braver, and he held on tighter. He couldn’t quite explain it, the snake began to move and it was as if it was wrapping around something deep inside of him.

He felt warm, and stronger, and he felt his body relax, and suddenly he wasn’t afraid. ‘…Huh…what the…’ He was…glowing… In the darkness he could see a band of spectral blue wrapped around where his chest should be…a tail. Surrounding him where the coiled rings of a massive, long body, “Whoa…” And he looked up and saw the snake’s head above him...

“Hey wait!” Just seeing it drudged up memories of their first encounter where Inuyasha had ripped the jewel shard and it’s life out of it’s body, he could almost feel the sensations of the same snake pouring out of him and going after Houjo during their second meeting. Pull it back, Pull it back! Souta quickly began drawing the snake into himself again, as if it was simply an extension he could retract at will. He didn’t know exactly why he was forcing the snake back in, there was only a sudden, negative, inkling about this and he reacted….

It…no, he, it was a boy and Souta had to remind himself of that. *He* gave Souta some resistance, but it wasn’t nearly enough, Souta was easily able to reign him in. And as he pulled the snake back, so to did he fell the other sensations of his body retract, he could *feel* the tentacles withdrawing back to what ever source had spawned them. God this was weird… ‘You came from them didn’t you…?’ Souta rested his hands on his chest and was still, he no longer felt their presence, they were gone, and he wasn’t afraid. It knew it now, because the feelings of the tentacles were just the same as the feeling of the snake. A sudden realization was more then enough to stifle it. “You… no way…it couldn’t possibly be…” He couldn’t have been that lucky...his situation wasn’t what most would call lucky but he didn’t know how else to describe it.

He smiled, he felt proud of himself, not for managing to stay alive, but the sense of usefulness, sense of purpose he now felt. This…all of this…this was his power. This was his power! He had something to define him besides being blind, having a tail, fangs, and scales on his back.

The snake hissed.

‘Take it easy.’ He thought. “I think I got you figured out!” Proudly.

“Souta?”

“!!” Sudden voice, abrupt reaction. Souta quickly turned around, recognized the voice just as he laid eyes on the wolf pup. “Oh… it’s you…”

“Your still alive.” The small boy sounded pretty pleased about that.

’Geez, maybe he doesn’t really care.’ ”I am.” Souta nodded. Not the greeting he’d expect but he was happy to hear the familiar voice all the same.

“That was so cool, I wish I could do that.”

“Do…what?” Souta couldn’t think of anything remarkable that he’d done, besides take a few hits. He didn’t know how to measure success in anything but absolutes, extremes, the smaller, inward victories always felt inadequate because those extremes were never achieved. “I didn’t win.”

“Your wired…” It was astounding to the pup that Souta couldn’t see what happened as he’d seen it. “You made the monster go away. It was so cool, you just stopped it dead in it’s tracks.”

It was just as astounding to Souta to have someone be impressed with him. He rubbed his head and smiled nervously, he didn’t do anything to warrant that attention, and the fact that it was given so gratuitously made him feel self-conscious, incompetent for not doing enough to disserve it. “I didn’t do anything, I don’t even know how it happened. I was just scared.” A grand feat in the eyes of another became a glaring statement of his weakness in his own.

He felt unworthy and he feared that others would build up some expectation of him and suddenly realize he wasn’t anything near that, and be let down, and think he was as weak as he himself did.

Maybe he would push people away…. ‘Sorry Inuyasha…’ Inuyasha…what must he think, the hanyou must have hated him by now. Fail… not being able to live up to one thing Inuyasha had wanted him to, he was afraid Inuyasha would leave him and he could feel him withdrawing. It had to be the way he acted, it had to be his fear, right? Who would like some scared, helpless kid? ‘Sorry…’

His hand was grasped and he felt a soft tug leading him forward. “Come on Souta.” The pup said. “It’s this way.”

“Huh? What’s that way?”

“Your house.”

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His blood rain cold and a chill spread through him. He couldn’t breathe! His lungs burned for air!

‘Damnit! Damnit!’ Inuyasha struggled, pushed, fought, but it was as if every bit of strength had left him, and his body had become a weight too heavy move. ‘No! No!’ His eyes darted around the room, there! Right there! Just out of reach! He could almost see it, he could feel it’s presence near him! Something that wanted to hurt him, while he was weak and helpless.

And he was terrified.

Weight, bearing down on his chest. He gasped, but no air would come, “…” no words either. ‘No! Goddamnit I-‘

And suddenly, with much surprise, he was released.

His body sprang upright, sucking in a breath so fast and hard that it seemed to scrap his throat. Sweat streamed forward from his forehead and fell into his lap. ‘…’ The living room was as quiet and dormant as the last time he was awake, he was draped messily over the couch, his shirt tossed aside messily. But…

He quickly looked back, towards the presence just out of reach, (it was still there!), and he found…

“Souta…? What happened to you.” He immediately noticed that the boy looked far worse then the last time he’d seen him. Ruffled, dirtier and slightly bloodied,

And with the boy’s eyes on him he hated himself even more.

“I sorry.” Souta began.

And Inuyasha was confused. “Souta…what? What are you talking about?” It was hard to sound normal when you were so starved for air that your whole chest ached for it. He could easily wipe the anxious look from his face, but it couldn’t steady his voice. He had to get himself under control, he couldn’t let Souta see himself like this.

…Oh wait…

Souta couldn’t see him….

“I never knew what it meant.” He said, his eyes always in Inuyasha’s direction, never quite focusing on him.

It was no less hunting to Inuyasha, in this moment it still produced to same effect as if he was staring right at him and all of his shameful fear.

“When sometimes you would wake up like that.” His voice held an oddly serious tone to it, and he spoke almost as if talking to himself, it was easier when he couldn’t se anyone else watching him and could pretend they weren’t. That’s what it felt like sometimes, staring alone into an empty darkness, he felt alone. “I never really thought anything of it.” Ironic, like most things, he found he could see them better now that he was blind then he could when they was right before his eyes. “It was kinda dumb of me. “

“Souta, what are you-“

“I wanted to tell you, that it was my fault.” He interrupted, a small pause left Inuyasha in confusion. “That this happened. I didn’t get it, that I was too scared… I never really understood that until now. I guess I really did push you away in the end.”

Too much to wake up too. “Souta, what are you talking about I’m right here.” He didn’t understand what Souta was talking about, or where this was coming from, or why he sound so…serious saying. But an ominous feeling, and an inaudible voice in his head was alluring to something… Souta…

“I guess I am just kinda coming out of know where with this stuff.” Souta smiled morbidly. “All I really wanted to say was that I’m sorry. And that I figured out why it’s happening to you.” He felt some accomplishment in that, figuring out something he hadn’t even noticed before. He was too busy in himself, he missed so much with Inuyasha…what else had he missed? It wasn’t fair, and regardless of what Inuyasha might say Souta was sure that he couldn’t possibly last with someone with out reciprocation. Even if that person was a prideful and withholding Hanyou. It was his fault, all his fault… He couldn’t let Inuyasha keep going through with this, he didn’t hate him now but he would in the end.

Souta was sure of it.

“What?” The dreams, Inuyasha’s first thought, but it couldn’t be, Souta didn’t even know about that. Was…that what he was talking about…. Inuyasha didn’t know, he’d at least sensed that Souta was talking about a lot of things, and this was probably one of them… And he couldn’t help think that, someone more socially attuned, like Kouga, or Houjo, would have know with out a doubt was Souta meant. Damn! Why’d Souta have to be so cloudy, why’d he have to be so stupid?

Was that the reason why? Because he wasn’t attuned to other people like that, because he didn’t know how to allow himself to be attuned with….

He did know what Souta was talking about it seemed.

“Those dreams or whatever’s happening. It’s the snake.” He divulged simply. Maybe he sounded like the wolf pup when he said that, maybe this was how the wolf pup felt when he was speaking with such an odd calm. “The snake, the monster, It’s all together… at least I think so. What I know for sure is it’s the snake that’s doing it to you, it’s cause you took the jewel shard when you…you know… killed him.” Souta felt the uncomfortable pause at the end, the mention of the snake’s fate was now an uneasy topic in him. He’d, at least one-sidedly, started to develop a connection with the snake, and as ungratifying and unreciprocating as his parasite was, he’d gone through something with him, and he made him feel safe. “He kept coming after you when you were asleep…”

It…couldn’t… could it…? Inuyasha stared in awe at Souta, something in him immediately doubted the clam, it didn’t seem possible… But he’d finally been able to turn to the presence he felt…and it was Souta… and it ended so oddly… “It was….that…?”

“Yeah…Sorry about that,” Souta closed his eyes and sighed, tilting his head away. “I just…wanna be alone for a while… ok.” He said, and with no farther explanation, turned and ran upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

And Inuyasha knew, it was over.

“Souta…” He couldn’t quite believe it, Souta didn’t just come out and say it, so a part of him didn’t believe it. He sat there, alone, feeling divided between it, unable to move forward. But as he thought about how Souta had slowly began to withdraw from him over time, and became more and more distant, it eventually hit him with undoubted certainty.

He tried to talk to Souta, even having no clue what to say, feeling some how restrained from simply stating his fears…like always. It was no matter, Souta, politely, told him wanted to be alone. Just like he’d always obsessed. Inuyasha still couldn’t quite believe it.

Regretting every second of it, Inuyasha finally relented. Damnit! Why couldn’t just tell him how he felt! Why couldn’t he just tell Souta that he didn’t want them to just fall apart like this! He couldn’t even ask him for sure if he was breaking up with him. “Damnit!” He punched the basement wall and felt it shake against it. “Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!” He was scared too, just like Souta, he was scared to be completely connected with someone, even if he wanted it more then anything. He was afraid of what it took, openness, vunerablity, trust…

Maybe that’s what made Souta afraid. Now that he thought about it, Souta wasn’t always withdrawn, he’d poured everything he had out at first…. ‘Of course he was afraid I was gonna leave him…’ Inuyasha scoffed to himself. How could Souta have possibly believed him when he wasn’t even completely there to start with! Why couldn’t he do it! Why was it so hard! “Why was it so damn easy for him!? To just…be like that?” He punched harder, growling, nearly screaming.

His eyes itched with tears, and he fought them back, they only fueled his rage. He couldn’t cry, he could think of few things more weak, and vulnerable. It was awkward and uncomfortable… and he couldn’t stop himself.

He screamed, and fell to his knees, and punched the ground, and cried, and sobbed, and fell to his side, and curled into a ball, and was empty with out Souta.

“I’m…sorry Souta…”

And he wanted it so badly…

But he was just as Souta had been in battle, simply afraid to get hurt.


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All of the luster of life had faded.

Kouga laid on his back and stared up into the sky through the sporadic branches of the cheery blossom tree, he knew it was glowing bright yet the world still seemed oddly dark. He wanted to move…no, he knew he needed to move, but he didn’t want to, his strength seemed gone, and he couldn’t find the will to get off the ground, he just wanted to lay there and sleep and not wake up.

Empty. He literally felt as if there was a hole in his chest, a gaping void, an incompleteness. Kouga closed his eyes and scoffed at the state of himself, even speaking was hard. There was a weight baring down on his chest and he just wanted it to stop, he just wanted the pain to go away…

Kouga fell into an uneasy sleep.

How ever long he was out felt meager and ineffective, the crushing depression was met with aggravation when a faint sound awakened him. Something out of place with the expected noises of the out doors in this world. It was almost like a scream.

‘What the hell…’ His aggravation was enough to force him off of the ground in search of the sound, it seemed to have come from the house.

The trip was harder then it should have been, it was an effort to make each step….damn, he didn’t want to live in this…

A sharp pounding coming from downstairs, ‘What is that?’ Kouga evoked his small curiosity and forced himself down the basement stairs. As dull and empty as the world felt to him, he was utterly horrified to see Inuyasha trembling there on the ground, a brokenness and hopelessness clouding his face. He looked so hurt, in so much pain, and it still scared him. “I-Inuyasha.”

He didn’t know why it effected him so profoundly, maybe it was something about Inuyasha’s state that resonated with him, this particular type of pain that was akin to his own. He didn’t really know why he’d allow himself to be in any way attuned to it, it was open and venerable and best not to think about it, just push it away for now.

Inuyasha’s ears twitched and he lifted his head abruptly, wide, wet golden eyes quickly found Kouga and narrowed into a glare. The only thing worse then being in this wounded and pitiful state, was having someone else seeing him in it, having Kouga see him in it. His presence made him more conscious of himself, a shame emerged inside of him and he hated himself, he hated Kouga for making him feel this. “Get the hell away from me.” He growled.

An irritability plagued the glowering feelings of depression as always . “What the hell is wrong with-“

“I said get the fuck away from me!” Thunderously loud, frighteningly hateful, unstably trembling.

A startled Kouga was speechless. After a few indecisive seconds of staring, the wolf demon found himself in the same aggravation as before. He said nothing, he only turned to leave. As angry as he was he still couldn’t forget how he’d seen Inuyasha, something had hurt him.

As he curled up in to a corner on the living room floor, empty, he began to feel oddly guilty. It was a physical pain, something he couldn’t quite discern, couldn’t quite understand. ‘Damn…I kept calling him a half-breed, used to do it all the time. ‘ He couldn’t see the future anymore, he was hopeless and this pain was endless. ‘Geez…why did I tell him he didn’t deserve Souta, that was stupid…’ He was exhausted, he didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to breathe. ‘Ginta and Hakkaku…the must hate me by now, I’ve just been treating them like crap ever since…’ He couldn’t say it, it was hard to think about it, it was hard to breathe.

He clinched his chest and took in deep swallows of air. This weight, this goddamn weight! Just leave, please, just stop! ‘Why wasn’t it….’ His eyes itched and grew blurry, hot, wet tears seeping out. He curled in deeper and just wanted the pain to stop. It felt endless, he’d never feel better again, his life became a string of mistakes and now this all consuming pain! He was out side of life, time was flowing past him and he just wanted it to cease.

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Inuyasha had taught him to let go.

It suddenly occurred to Souta as he in the cool underneath his bed, hidden away, holding his pillow as tightly as he could to substitute the comfort of another human body. His ruined clothes were tossed off haphazardly, his tail wrapped around his leg so tightly it was almost painful.

He was a blind, scared kid. And Inuyasha had taught him to let go, even when he was afraid. He supposed Inuyasha had always been teaching him it, even back when he was just a regular scared kid. “I shouldn’t be so sad…” He spoke aloud, “I knew it was gonna happen anyway.” He’d always suspected it, and as time went on he became more sure of it. There was this subtle, somber satisfaction in being right, being able to say ‘I knew it.’, having his fears vindicated.

“There’s something wrong with that.” He mumbled. “Something wrong with me…”

He was right though wasn’t he?

He’d turned into something indeterminately horrible, the fangs were still unaccustomed and estranged in his mouth, and he could feel the scales outlining his spine when he moved. That would repel him, how could it not? Maybe he didn’t show it at first, but he would have, he would have just got annoyed, and repulsed, of course he would have.…

He didn’t cry, he wouldn’t cry. It hurt, and he wouldn’t cry. He was sick of crying .

He felt the snake shifting in side of him, uneasily. Maybe his feelings seeped into him too. ‘Sorry…’ He smiled, finding some humor in this. ‘You have to hate me right now…nah… you always hate me.’ He sniffled. ‘Now you know how I always feel!’

The snake only hissed.

Souta’s expression softened. ‘I wonder if you can stop hating me so much…’ He said. ‘I think I’m gonna need you.’ All for strength…no…it was all out of fear it had gone so far. He wanted strength, now he was stronger, so why was he still afraid? Inuyasha had been right, it was his fear he needed to deal with… ‘You owe me, you tried to kill me, you took over my body remember? You could at lest be nice to me.’

His argument was hastily rejected with a rather venomous hiss.

‘I thought I’d try anyway…’ He smiled to himself in the same humor.

He’d feared everyone thought he was crazy, ever since he’d accepted that the strange things he’d been seeing, all of his life it seemed, wasn’t just his imagination. He felt as if they’d surely deemed him as such when he told them about the snake. Maybe he was. Maybe it was stupid and crazy and childish not to do everything he could to try and get the snake out of him, maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly. But he didn’t care anymore.

He closed his eyes, deciding to try and see what dreams he could have.

! - ! - !
! - ! - !

Houjo could practically feel the aura of crushing depression that seemed to emanate out of the house, creating an oddly unsettling feeling when he entered. He closed the door behind him and set his book bag down, scanning the area cautiously for Kouga. He hoped to avoid him, at least for a little while. It was always somber and uneasy when Kouga saw him coming back from school. Bad memories, maybe, a sense of loss, definitely, jealousy, probably.

He spotted Kouga curled up in a particularly dark corner beside the window, lights off, eyes closed, but he could tell from his breathing that he wasn’t asleep. No avoidance it seemed, and it looked like he could have used the company. ‘He looks so…dead.’ Kouga was not himself, Houjo was immediately uneasy, careful.

Reminded of times in the past when Kouga was in such a state.

“Kouga?” Houjo approached, but stopped a small distance away, hoping not to be perceived as encroaching. “Are you ok?”

Kouga’s eyes slowly lifted open into a glare. The sound of Houjo’s voice annoyed him, the sound of anyone’s voice would have annoyed him. “Go away.” Though Houjo’s held a particular salience, since Houjo tended to show the most concern. He didn’t want concern, he didn’t want anything, he didn’t want anyone, he just wanted to be alone.

Houjo didn’t speak again immediately, he looked away under the glare of Kouga, trying think of anything that may have caused this swift change in him between when he’d left this morning and now. “What wrong?”

The only thing that possibly could have been worse then Houjo’s presence was a question. A question was invasive, at this moment it held the equivalence to poking him with a stick, aggravating him farther. “Just leave me the hell alone…”

Houjo contemplating doing that, a tense silence formed between them. Where did all of this anger come from? Kouga clearly hadn’t been furious when he first saw him, even now his body still held a sullen depression in it’s form. What had triggered it? What kept triggering it? Where was all of this anger coming from? “I’m sorry Kouga.” Houjo’s face took on a disheartened quality, he didn’t move closer, he didn’t want to intrude even farther. “I worried about you, I’m kinda scared to leave you alone even. I don’t want to make you angry but-“

Kouga thought vaguely about what he meant, ‘He must be worried I’m gonna kill myself or something…’ It wasn’t entirely unlikely, the thought has crossed his mind. It should have been his first sign that something was wrong, not the suicidal ideal he’d played around with barely, but the fact he’d had a clear, untainted thought while he was sheathing with anger. It was as if he’d been compartmentalized, his conscious thought and feelings had been divided. “Just go alright!” He growled, turning his head a way, hate seething out of his voice.

His intensity caught him off guard. “Kouga you-“

“To hell with this…” Kouga growled, an angry energy erupted and he pushed himself on to his feet. The frustration wasn’t enough to lift the weight off of him, he just wanted it to end! Couldn’t he see he was making it worse? ‘He’s always trying, he never stops… he’s too loyal for his own good.’ All of those good things, those goddamn wonderful things were twisted into something painful and he just want to be away from him. “I’m gone.”

God he reminded him of them, just like one of them, so much like one of them. No tail, but Ginta and Hakkaku didn’t have one either, no fangs, but what did that matter, not a demon, but humans were smart, humans were loving, and loyal and…

He had to get away from him.

Kouga pushed his way past Houjo. “Kouga!” Houjo immediately jumped back and moved obstructively in front of him. “Your angry, fine, but I’m not gonna let you run anymore!” He said. Even knowing there was little use to pushing someone when they were angry, little came out of it. “You’ve gone through this before, and your gonna go through it again, and again. And if you keep retreating in to yourself every time…I…” Fear, genuine, fear. Eyes trembling, stomach wrenching, throat tightening fear

And it was unnerving. Houjo was prodding at a place Kouga didn’t want to go, didn’t want to think about, not now. It was intrusive, the hopelessness he felt was laid out before him and it was a downward spiral, he didn’t even want to think about now let alone the pain that would come. Kouga was suddenly far away and watching himself, no, some one else that looked as he did, start screaming. “I don’t care, just shut up!!”

All the moisture in his throat seemed to evaporate, just swallow , Houjo thought, that’ll help. He found he couldn’t even form the reflex. He was scared, for Kouga, he’d never seen him react this way. “Where is this coming from?”

Kouga didn’t have time to think, he didn’t have time to stop himself, he just glared and screamed. “Do you know what the hell this feels like?!” He forced out desperately. “I feel like hell goddamnit! There’s something just pushing, constantly pushing on me- “ Until he fell to his knees and cried, begging for a way to strip it off. “- And it hurts!, my heart feels like it’s being squeezed, and my stomach feels like I was stabbed. Is that enough?! Ok! Can you leave me alone now!?” The words burst out of his mouth in a blusterous roar, he was standing at a door, peaking through a hole at Houjo. ‘That was too loud.’ Louder then he intended, harsher then he intended, his words were being warped in this rage. Damn he was hot!

Houjo wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Kouga like this, sure he’d been a little…distant when he left, but who was this person he’d come back to? What had transformed the loving, warm, defensive, protective, confident…arrogant, Kouga into this new person that quite frankly scared him. “…What happened?”

Houjo’s words, to hell what he was saying, just the boy, anybody, speaking to him, drawing him away from himself, pried into the charged line of aggravation raging inside of him. Just having someone else nearby felt intrusive and he violently repelled them in his volatile state. Why couldn’t he stand it! Why couldn’t Houjo just leave!? “Goddamnit I hate you!” He blurted it out, just that quickly, just that easily. He didn’t feel a thing but the heat.

Speechless. Staring. Shock lead to frozen incisiveness, and for a few, haunting silent seconds, he didn’t know if he’d really heard that, what it meant, what to say… “W-what?”

Those damned brown eyes, startled, mouth, just hanging there, that surprise, that hurt! Hated it, hated it, hated everything about it, about him! The dry tension in throat, pounding heart diving blood through his veins at 100 miles an hour, deafening. His vision blurred, his pupils trembling. For a moment, he couldn’t see, lost focus, as if he was distracted in a captivating thought. The world was distant and he just barely saw his arm was in motion, he didn’t feel his fist crash into Houjo’s face, didn’t even feel it clinch, must have been someone else.

Houjo fell back into the wall, dazed.

And he was back, horrified, ‘Oh…my god.’ Staring, staring at Houjo, staring at his extended arm just suspended there, staring at what this horrible angry person had done. “…I…I…” Frozen, couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t go back, couldn’t go forward, couldn’t go…

Houjo, as soon as he regained himself, forced his eyes open and moved defensively…”!...” No need it seemed, Kouga was still no more attack came. “Kouga you-“

“Oh god…” He mumbled breathlessly, his voice trembled, his entire body was quaking, “What did I just… I…”

Houjo rubbed the side of his face where the strike had landed, more surprised by the look he just saw then the actual hit. “Kouga-“

“I-I! I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry!” Kouga choked out, eyes watering , breaking down.

“Kouga-“

“Houjo!” Kouga felt his muscles weaken and suddenly his body was 10 times heavier. “I-“

“Kouga! Just shut up for a minute!”

Silent.

“Un..!” Kouga’s legs gave way and he collapsed forward.

“Hey! Hold on!” Houjo moved forward to catch him with out hesitancy, Kouga’s head fell into his chest and hot, wet tears followed. Houjo was overwhelmed. “Kouga…” Marks, from what, Houjo wasn’t sure, he saw deep, clotted indentations along Kouga’s right arm against his shoulder. “Hey… Where did these come from?”

Did he not just know what happened?! Why?! How could Houjo just say something like that, as if it hadn’t happened, it was nothing, how could he just show concern?! A sharp uprising of grief bubbled inside of him and Kouga’s entire body tensed, “I sorry! Damnit! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to… I-I” He clinched at Houjo’s shirt, begging, and tried to pull him close, as if the boy was pushing him away or trying to escape. He could barely speak, each word riddled with sobs. He couldn’t describe it, he couldn’t voice it right, this raging turmoil, he had to convince the boy of how sorry he was! He had to make him understand.

Then, maybe, he wouldn’t leave him.

“Calm down, Calm down…” He half whispered. He couldn’t leave this, this was the only thing that made sense, this was safer ground then treading forward after that. A strong tug on his shirt threatened to stretch the fabric apart, red smeared. ‘Blood? Is that mine?’ No, of course not, Kouga hadn’t hit him with that hand. “Kouga, Kouga, listen.” He requested among the torrent of, disparaged nearly incomprehensible apologies. Houjo seized Kouga’s wrist, having the presence of mind to nudge gently as he tried to remove it from his shirt. Kouga didn’t take it as an attempt to remove him and complied, allowing him to lift his hand away.

Blood coated Kouga’s claws and finger tips, and the connection became clear. Houjo sank down to the floor, his back against the wall, taking Kouga with him. “Kouga…” Houjo lifted Kouga’s other arm and studied in disbelief, able to clearly see where Kouga had driven his claws into his flesh over and over in different spots. They were shallow and starting to heal already. “You….But…why?” Houjo was blocked in suspended belief, it was as if the blow had taken away his ability to comprehend. The world was suddenly upside down, how could one comprehend that?

Wet blue eyes stared back at him, tears spilling over Kouga’s eyelids. He found himself sprawled out on the ground, his head in Houjo’s lap, sobbing and afraid. “They usually heal by now.” With a sniffle .

Houjo ran his fingers over the damaged flesh. “But…why?” Why couldn’t he think!

“I…don’t know.” All Kouga knew was that the pain was real. When he was in a fog of depression, and his body ached with something that seemed to have no source, he found himself picking at himself subconsciously at first. And slowly, but surely he became captivated by the sensation. This pain had a source, and he controlled it, he controlled how much or how little, and it distracted him. His mind focused on this feeling and nothing else, the real pain, not the soul crushing ache that throbbed unbearably inside of him. It was almost, Kouga, supposed, a release, he always felt a little better, or at least it had distracted him long enough for him to shove it aside and move on.

Clarity…“It was that hard….” Kouga was a wolf pup, a distraught child in his arms, hurt, ashamed, and afraid, and Houjo found himself able to think again. “It hurt that much?”

“God I’m so sorry, I didn’t…I mean I wasn’t….” Kouga threw his arms around Houjo’s waist and cried into his stomach, begging, “I’m didn’t mean to! Don’t leave me… please…” What had he done? What the hell did he just do? Why couldn’t he stop himself?

Houjo laid his hand on Kouga’s head and softly ran his hand across Kouga’s face. “I’m not gonna leave you.” He slipped his hand under Kouga’s chin and lifted his head. “But you have to calm down, ok? You have to talk to me here.”

Hurt wolf pup lifted his head, face flushed ad contorted with pain, blue eyes closed, and he nodded. He

“You could have told me.” Houjo said. “I only wanted you to talk me…” He said.

“I’m sorry…”

The sound of Kouga’s weaping voice made him cringe inside, he sounded so beaten down, so broken, so afraid. “Why’d you say you hate me? Why did you hit me?” Seeing the wolf now, it was almost impossible to think he could have been in the same state he’d been only a few moments before.

Kouga swallowed and tampered off his tears, not relenting his hold on Houjo for a second. He was drowning and it felt secure, he couldn’t bear for Houjo to leave him right now because he wasn’t sure the boy would ever come back. He needed Houjo to stay, because he couldn’t be alone right now, he’d lose himself in his grief and come to an end with out a doubt. “I don’t know… ” Slowly. “It was like I wasn’t there, like it wasn’t me. I couldn’t control myself…it all just came out… You just remind me so much of them…”

Like his pack. Houjo would have been honored if the situation wasn’t so bleak.“…” Pausing, thoughtfully. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, sad, angry. You weren’t like this before I left.”

“I don’t know, a while.” Generally. He spoke in broad terms, with out details because he didn’t want to think, not about this. He didn’t want to speak, not about this, not at all really. The same intolerable boundaries that had lead him to hide it all in the first place, that always rebuffed Houjo when the boy tried to help him, that forced his claws into his skin just to have some control with out a second thought, made it hard to continue. But he was just broken and weak enough to let them slip. “I guess I always kinda felt this way.”

“Why?” Curious. “What brought this on? Were you thinking and it something came up? Was it something somebody did? Did you just wake up like this?” Inquisitive.

Intrusive.

Even when he was so somber, the almost intense need for knowledge, to understand, still shone through in Houjo just as brightly as ever. Kouga had always admired that, it was that quality that resonated with him the most, augmenting a similar desire he’d always had… Focus, focus, don’t get distracted, don’t wonder,. “It just happened.” He started. “I felt like crap when I woke up, and then it just got worse and worse.” This part was easier to talk about, he didn’t know why. Maybe it was superficial, less invasive.

“Tell me about it.” Houjo said simply.

Houjo didn’t understand what he meant, but he continued, delving a little deeper. “I’m just…sick of feeling like this…I mean I can’t take it.”

Kouga trailed off, and Houjo carefully prompted him on. “You said it hurt?”

“Yeah.” Kouga’s looked away self-consciously, staring at his legs curled up to his chest. “It feels heavy… kinda like I’m chained down or something. It’s hard to move, It’s just easier to lay down somewhere and sleep you know.” His words were like those of a child finding themselves. “It’s all I wanna do. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to think, I just want to sleep. I can’t stand it.” Searching and unsure as he described it all. “My chest feels like…there’s some kind pain really deep in there, it’s hard to breath.”

Something began to change in Kouga, began to open, began to break. It was awkward and he stumbled and forced himself to speak out of an unappeasable sense of obligation to Houjo. But they continued, and Kouga found a cadence. Some things were hard and he didn’t want to think about them, some things were easier and he actually found himself wanting to talk about them with Houjo.

“I didn’t feel like this nearly as much at first.” Kouga paused thoughtfully, his voice had lost the child like uncertainty, only a sober need to articulate . “ Once at first, then nothing for a while… it wasn’t as bad. But now I feel like this more and more and I’m happy less and less, I feel like I’m losing myself.”

Simply having someone listening to him while he expelled what was inside of him was a… release. A tactic the caliber of the pain he’d inflicted on himself, only… better. Talking didn’t simply dull the pain inside of him for the moment, It eased it, it felt good, he didn’t feel empty.

“When did it start?” Houjo asked.

“I guess back when I couldn’t walk. I just stabbed myself to see if I could feel anything, and then I was just pickin’ with myself because I was bored when I was alone and it was something to do. And then I’d just do it when I was feeling like crap because it kinda the same as when I was bored. I guess it just got bigger then I realized.

“It didn’t hurt too much?”

Kouga shrugged. “I don’t know. I just kept going just to see how much I could take, I just kept bumping up against the limit. I kinda liked watching them heal too.”

After a while the definition of Houjo changed for him, Houjo wouldn’t tear him down or think anything he’d done was stupid, he wouldn’t think he was weak. He’d shown that, he’d started to trust that, realizing the change or not. Houjo had become some separate, but connected part of him.

“Yeah…I do think about it.” Kouga nodded. “I always think about it.”

“Miss them a lot?” Houjo asked.

“All the time… why couldn’t I be there…? Why couldn’t I save them?” Kouga sighed.

He didn’t get the response from Houjo he was expecting, the boy never told him it wasn’t his fault or tried to cheer him up. Houjo merely gave an understanding nod, something Kouga was eternally grateful for. He didn’t want the pressure to try and cheer up, or change his thoughts, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to, and would have been alienated if he had to.

Time died away with little realization, and Kouga fell asleep just before the horizon gave birth to the sun. Half-lidded brown eyes watched dim rays of golden light creep into the windows, birds emerged nosily out side, and he realized just how quiet the night had been. There was something supremely satisfying about watching Kouga sleep in his lap, peaceful face, a sharp contrast to what it once had been.

The wounds on the wolf’s arm were all but gone now. ‘They really do heal quickly.’ He thought, maybe that’s why he never noticed. Never fully understood. ‘I’m sorry…I always knew, I just didn’t know how hard it was for you.’ He was afraid, terrified for Kouga, he was slipping away right in front of him and he wasn’t sure how to stop it.

But he’d try.

Small, heavy steps trudged down the stairs, rubbing sleepy eyes. His pants drooped slightly under the base of his tail, curled behind him just enough to keep from dragging. He never missed a step. “You walk well Souta.” Houjo complemented.

Something that seemed rather off hand to him. “Houjo.” He opened his mouth wide with a sleepy yawn, stretching his arms above his head, causing his shirt to rise and expose a sliver of his stomach. He never looked more like a child. “What are you doing up so early?” Rubbing sleepy eyes.

“Nothing really. What about you? Why are you up so early.”

“Me and Kouga always train in the morning.” The wolf’s scent, the soft sound of breathing out sync with Houjo, the disproportionate heat he felt from Houjo’s presence. “He’s still asleep?”

“Yeah.” Houjo rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. “Don’t…bother him this morning, ok?”

Souta nodded understandingly. “Is he ok? He was kinda… slipping yesterday.”

“What do you mean?” Curiously.

“He gets really sad sometimes.” Souta’s tail found it’s way to his leg and coiled around it, holding on. “I don’t know…anyway, I know you’ll make him feel better.” Houjo always did.

Houjo was silent, finding himself fixated on the boy standing before him with bare feet, exposed scales, comfortably seated fangs and ambivalently positioned tail. His thoughts working in the memory of the regular old Souta, but slightly confused to find this different person in his place. “You know…” He started, trying to place his finger on what was new. “You’ve changed.”

“Huh? Uh…” Souta rubbed the back of his head self-consciously and unseeing eyes averted out of habit. “Is that so.”

Houjo smiled, eyes holding laugher. “No, no, it’s a good thing.” Reassuring. “It’s like…well…your growing up.” Houjo could see the start of a change in the boy. His shyness was starting to leave him, slowly being replaced by a reserved self-assurance. His fear hadn’t diminished, but where he once would have frozen he was becoming decisive. His abilities had sprouted that he once denied and pushed aside and hid from he now accepted and identified with. A rather astonishing clarity of thought and self-awareness were developing at a rapid pace, and a new capacity to take in the world around him was growing. “At this rate your gonna be a really amazing person.”

Souta smiled, slightly embarrassed. “I wanna be just like you.”

Houjo knew for sure Souta was changing now, before he would have said Inuyasha or Kouga for sure. Maybe he found a different quality in him… “Heh, thanks.”