Legacy of Loss

Extra Warning:



Uber Angsty hanyou



Response to Reviewers:



Thanks again for leaving your comments, it means a lot to me that you find my story interesting *huggles!*. I know it’s really angsty, but it can’t be helped. On the plus side, I’m working on another Sesshoumaru/Inuyasha that’s not nearly so morbid. Once I get this one up, there’s that to look forward to (well, hopefully you‘ll look forward to it.). Plus, I’ve heard rumours that the anime will be continuing in Japan this fall. *Crosses fingers* Can anyone confirm that?

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Legacy of Loss

Chapter 3

Fluffy vs. The Grief Inside





It was early evening and the group had moved to a stream to camp. Sango had returned with their things and after a long talk with Miroku was up to date on what had transpired in her absence. Her intense eyes kept wandering over to Inuyasha where he was leaning against a tree.



The mood of the camp was quiet. Kagome was making dinner with Sango’s help. Miroku was telling Shippo and Rin a story as the two young ones waited for their meal. Jaken kept interrupting to add in parts of the story much to the monk’s annoyance.



Kirara was grooming while Ah and Un grazed serenely near at hand.



Dinner was served and there was the usual cajoling and conversation, but it was a little more subdued. When Shippo pilfered part of Inuyasha’s meal, the hanyou barely put up a fight for it. This seemed to greatly worry Shippo, but didn’t stop him from enjoying the spoils of his earned extra meal.



After dinner was cleaned up and all were refreshed, there was some idle conversation about where to go next. Kagome felt no jewel shards and Miroku felt no demonic aura close at hand. After a discussion it was grudgingly decided they would go to Sesshoumaru’s castle to check on things. Then Inuyasha could get his revenge on who ever murdered his brother. His group of friends vowed to help him in his quest. Sango was especially adamant, and surprisingly Jaken wished to join as well to avenge his beloved Lord.



Once that was settled they would finish their quest against Naraku.



Kagome pulled out her sleeping bag, Shippo snuggled into it. Miroku and Sango both rolled into their own blankets. Kirara curled up next to her demon-slayer. Ah and Un snored quietly under a tree and Jaken was passed out beside him.



Rin was to sleep with Kagome and Shippo tonight. She was quite excited to see how warm and soft the strange blanket Kagome had was. In fact everything the woman pulled from her magical yellow bag was a wonder to her. Shippo was only too happy to show off these things to the girl.



As the girl prepared to go to bed she paused and looked thoughtfully at Inuyasha. He was still sitting quietly under the tree he had graced earlier. His face shadowed, and his eyes blank. Abruptly the girl smiled and ran over to him. “Lord Inuyasha? Rin has a favour to ask of you.”



“Yeah? What do you want, kid?” Inuyasha asked faintly, looking at her open and innocent face. She was so strange. No wonder his brother liked her.



“Rin needs you to take care of the Mokomoko while she sleeps.” The girl announced seriously as she held out the long fluffy boa in her tiny arms.



Inuyasha could have sworn the damn thing latched onto her and shuddered in disgust. “Keh. Rin, I don’t think it likes me. Besides, Sesshoumaru wanted it to stay with you, I know he wouldn’t want me touchin’ anything he liked and owned. Bet he marked all his frigging territory. He‘d have a fit knowing I was going into it.”



“Well, he trusted you enough to tell his Rin to go stay with Lady Kagome who would be with you,” the girl pointed out logically.



Inuyasha blinked and sat up as something came to him, “Wait a minute…he told you to go to Kagome! That ass-wipe trusts Kagome, a pure human, more than me! Argh!”



“Inuyasha, I can hear you, you know!” snapped Kagome; her back was to him in her sleeping bag.



“Er…sorry…you know what I meant.” He grumbled.



“Yeah, yeah, be quiet so we can sleep will you?” she mumbled.



Rin pushed out her arms and dropped the obviously irritated Mokomoko on Inuyasha’s lap. It twitched, bristled and then went still. “Take care of it for Rin, you need it tonight, Rin will take it back in the morning. Good night, little Lord!”



“Little Lord? What?!” Inuyasha bristled this time as Shippo chuckled.



“Yes, since your father was the Great Dog-Demon Lord, and my Lord was the Perfect, High Dog-Demon Lord, you must be the Little Dog-Demon Lord because you are the littlest one. Like Rin!” the girl chirped as she wriggled in next to Kagome.



“I ain’t little,” Inuyasha growled as he glared at the Mokomoko. “Just ‘cause dad was a frigging giant and Sesshoumaru was tall and…I’m not little. I‘m tall for a human damnit…lean maybe…but…grrr. You shut up.” He growled at the fur which seemed to be amused. “Smug bastard, just like your owner. Keh.”



He remained silent for a time then, as he realized his companions had all gone to sleep. After a while he began to fidget in place. His hand tapping his knee. His toes wiggling. His knee jerking in place.



He sighed and rubbed his face. He needed to go for a walk or something. He just needed to be away from his friends for a bit. Standing he stretched and tossed the limp fluffy thing over his shoulder before bounding into the trees.



Kirara opened an eye and sat up. She figured she’d be on guard duty tonight. Her companions were all worn out and the hanyou was so emotionally distraught he wouldn’t notice Naraku until he had Inuyasha on his lap. She scratched her ear and sat at attention. It was hard being the most stable member of this group sometimes. At least now Ah and Un were here she had some sane company.



Inuyasha eventually came to perch in a high tree branch a distance away from his companions staring straight ahead. His ears lay flat to his skull and his shoulders were slightly hunched, his normally expressive face was devoid of all emotion. His large, attractive golden eyes were unfocused and dull while his rounded lips lay slightly parted. His white fangs sticking dryly to his bottom lip as he stared into space. Across his lean legs lay the rigid, displeased Mokomoko. The only sounds from the normally audacious hanyou were the rhythmic pounding of his heart and soft whoosh of his breath.



Eventually he was forced to swallow. His dry mouth was calling for attention. He swiped his tongue over the roof of his palette and then darted the sensitive pink appendage over his dried lips replenishing the moisture. The small disruption of the movement caused a flutter of life in his numb thoughts.



He had to deal with this, now, away from his friends and his brother’s followers. He couldn’t be seen as weak or have a frigging melt-down on them. But, he had no idea how to deal with the pain in his heart. He had no idea where to even start. It was so damn complicated. Not like when he lost his mom or with the betrayal from Kikyo.



His eyes fell to the fur hanging over his legs and lifted a clawed hand. He was about to touch the soft pelt but the hand fluttered and froze before it made contact. He stared at the hand scowling for a time, studying it in irritation. His hand, like the rest of him, was fine boned and covered in honey-tanned flesh. His limbs were long and sturdy and neatly muscled. His skin was mostly rough and dry from the abuse it saw in the elements and fights. The hand was graced with calluses from where he gripped his beloved sword. The sharp claws were uneven and ragged at the edges, and the entire hand was filthy. Brown earth hid in the lines of his palms where it had been worn into the dry cracks of his skin. Stains of green and old crimson highlighted the clinks in his nails. Without warning, Inuyasha began to laugh bitterly.



“Look at that, I am nothing but a filthy half-breed, aren’t I? Too fucking soiled to even touch your stuff even after you’re dead. You’d have a fit if I did touch it. I’d leave my grubby prints and unworthy stink on it. You’d be pissed, wouldn’t ya? Hah! Well, now you’re fucking dead and can’t do a damn thing about it, can ya!” The laughter continued in bitter guffaws until it reached an almost hysterical continuance. He clutched his stomach as he bent over. His face was red and his eyes squeezed shut until the laughter had reached a point where he no longer made a noise but jiggled helplessly. He was unable to breath, finding it painful to try and gather his breath.



His lungs were desperate for air and drew in a great sobbing gasp, exhaling with a keening whine. The next gasp of breath was the same as the laughter morphed into an honest, soul-purging cry. Mingled between gut-wrenching sobs and mourning agonized whines were gasps of pain. Inuyasha wrapped his lean arms tightly around himself in a hug. Trying to hold himself stable because if he let go he feared he would fall to a million pieces of white and honey dust on the forest floor. The painful image of his brother’s fallen form in his thoughts brought a fresh bought of agonized tears from his dark golden eyes. He rocked miserably in the tree, clutching to himself and the fur for dear life.



This was the third time in his life Inuyasha had shed tears. First, when his mother had died. The second time was when he had nearly lost his friends to poison and fire in the temple. Now this. He could not recall the other two times being as painful and uncontrollable as this. These wretched tears came for his cold, uncaring half-brother.



The rocking and sobs continued as his emotions poured out raw. The shock and pain open and bleeding inside his chest. He knew not how long the tears went for, an hour? Two? The behaviour was horrid, pathetic. “Weak…” he hissed at himself, “…can’t stop…” he whined, “…so stupid, so weak…why can’t I stop?” His words chocked into a burning gasp from his spent lungs. His throat was aching and raw, his breathing harsh. Each struggled breath stabbing at his lungs. His vocal chords could no longer form the torn sobs and whines while his grief reddened eyes stung with dehydration.



Gruffly, Inuyasha pawed at his face trying to rub away the trails of glistening grief from his body. Never mind the tears had fallen down his cheeks and neck to soak the top of his haori. He swallowed, feeling his tongue was too rough and swollen for his own mouth. He must look fucking pathetic. Sesshoumaru would have sneered at him and told him he was unacceptable or something.



Fuck that.



Inuyasha violently slammed his fist into the trunk of the tree he was perched in. The resounding crack of snapping wood and bone startled the local sleeping bird population. He pounded the tree again and again until it groaned in protest. Splintering and breaking at the pressure point.



There was a blur of red and white as Inuyasha bounded from his branch, clutching the Mokomoko to his chest. The tree collapsed onto its neighbour causing it to splinter and fall as well. The hanyou ran a fair distance away. Violently springing from the ground to the tree limbs. Leaving ragged claw marks in the branches that were unfortunate enough to act as his springboards. Eventually, he miscalculated and crashed through a branch to land in a tangle of hair, limbs, fur, and tree on the ground below.



The hole he made would make the ones he made from Kagome’s sits look like potholes. At this point he was exhausted. He stared up at the night sky, noting the moon looked like the one on his brother’s head. Moisture once again found its way to the corners of his eyes as he stared dazedly upwards.



“This is fucking stupid, why do I give a damn that Sesshoumaru is dead?” he croaked hoarsely at the moon.



He forced himself into a sitting position and glared at the fur that had somehow wrapped around his body. “He was a prick, a real asshole and hated me for existing, ya know? What kinda person loathes you just ‘cause you’re alive?” he grumpily yanked a stick from his hair and tossed it away. “He wasn’t supposed to die before me…” he glared at the fur again, eventually his eyes glazed over and his voiced softened. Loosing the gruff angry tone it was a smooth, soft and sorrowful whisper.



“Yeah, I know, Sesshoumaru was an arrogant prick. But, I still cared about him. He was so fucking strong and focused and assured. I respected and looked up to the bastard, keh. Never would tell him that though, ‘cause he’d kill me for it. He challenged me, ya know? Helped me focus and made me stronger ‘cause I had to fight to be closer to his level. I always wanted him to acknowledge me for some fucked up reason…guess I’m needy or something.’ Dunno why he never killed me really. He had lots of chances in all honesty. I KNOW the fucker was stronger than me. But, damnit, I was close to him and could make him squirm. I never wanted to really kill him or hurt him bad. Hurt him a little, yeah, ‘cause he was always being such a dick to me. Seriously, how often in a damn day do I heat how worthless I am? He could’ve come up with something more original. Geeze. But, you had to give it to him, he could make anything a hurtful insult just by looking at ya with his freaky eyes.” Inuyasha shuddered.



After a moment he sighed and lightly ran his fingers over the Mokomoko in a tender caress. “I don’t know why he hated me so much. I didn’t do anything to him until he deserved it. It’s not my fault I was born. What’s so damn unforgiving about being a half-breed anyway? I wanted to change it with the jewel…but…I shouldn’t have to. Why can’t I just be myself? Not have everyone try to kill me because I’m fucking unworthy of life. Why was he so damn pissed at me? Keh. Maybe he was just mad about dad taking another wife?”



His brow furrowed as he stood up, trying to untangle himself from himself and the branches. “I wonder what happened to his mom? Not that I’ll ever know anything now anyway. Heh, he wouldn’t tell me a damn useful thing. Hell, Sango knows way more about demon ‘society’ than I ever will.”



After climbing out of the hole he continued to softly caress the pelt, finding the warmth and softness of it oddly soothing. Along with the strong scent of Sesshoumaru the article still carried. “I know he was pissed about the swords and dad dying and shit. But, I’m not sure why. Tenseiga is an awesome weapon! It’s not like he even needed my fang anyway. What could Tetsusaiga do that Sesshoumaru couldn’t already do himself? But…healing and being able to bring back the fucking dead, who else has that kinda power at their fingertips? I bet that’s why dad left him that sword, ‘cause only Sesshoumaru would know how to use the thing right, any chimp can use a sword to kill!



I need the Tetsusaiga, I’d have been killed a hundred times over without it or gone all fucking crazy youkai and killed everyone I loved and myself. Sesshoumaru only needed the damn thing twice as far as I can think of.” His face turned serious, “I swear I’ll get back his swords. Maybe I’ll take them…and you to dad? I duuno, I just know Sesshoumaru would not want his swords being used by someone else. I can’t go near Tokijin, that sword is fucking creepy. Of course Sesshoumaru would be able to control all that hate. Heh. I wanted to take his body back to the old man if I couldn’t revive it…wouldn’t that be what he’d want? I dunno…doesn’t matter now anyway…I have no idea how to have made Sesshoumaru happy.” His ears flopped down miserably as he wandered over to a tree and curled up beneath it. Hugging the Mokomoko close to his body.



“I guess I can understand about why he was mad about dad dying. I mean, he obviously loved him, if Sesshoumaru could love anything. You could tell how much he respected and cared for the old man when we were at his grave. The look on his face and everything…wish he could have given me an iota of that feeling. He was pissed dad got killed by a lowly human. I guess Sesshoumaru blamed mom and me…I know I always say I don’t care, but, I wish I’d known dad. Just a little. It would have been nice to have had someone to care about me and mom, to teach me shit, like all the stuff Sesshoumaru had. Spoiled brat.”



“The only ones I’ve had to look up to were mom, who died too damn fast and Sesshoumaru who didn’t give a crap. I’m not bitching about my crappy life, I’m just saying the truth. Sesshoumaru was supposed to always be there. I know he didn’t give a crap, and that was fine, but he was there and that was important to me.”



“He was supposed to be insulting me and kicking my ass until I was too old to defend myself from him damnit! Now what am I supposed to do? I can’t be a Lord, no fucking demon or human’ll listen to a word I say! Unless I kill them. I’m sick of having to kill because some dumbass thinks I’m a worthless hanyou and would be better off as their meal, bitch or fertilizer. Which is just about everyone I meet.”



“Don’t get me wrong now, I love a good fight.” He cracked his knuckles. “But, I’m fucking tired of the shit all the time. And I don’t know anything about what Sesshoumaru did…other than being a heartless bastard…what can I do?”



He rubbed his face tiredly. The day’s exertion and emotional drain having left him feeling weak and vulnerable. He tucked his knees to his chest and felt the Mokomoko quiver slightly as it curled loosely around him.



“What do I do?” His voice was still a hoarse whisper in his raw throat. “My friends will help. No demon will listen to humans though, even if the humans are frigging right. I dunno any demons that I can trust in the castle. Hell, I don’t even know where the castle is! I still need to kill Naraku and avenge Sesshoumaru. Honestly, whoever killed my brother will be hard to take down. I might not be able to do it, but I’ll be damned if I let some fucker get away with killing him!” His body trembled in rage. “I can’t, they have to pay for it. They can’t go on when they took him away! Killing Sesshoumaru has hurt me too damnit…though I don’t know why it hurt so fucking much.”



Inuyasha shook his head and went back to petting the pelt tenderly. “I can’t fuck this up. I don’t want what the old man and Sesshoumaru cared so much about to get fucked over because of me. I just…I don’t think I can handle it…I don’t know enough…I…shit, I am a worthless hanyou, and I’m so screwed.” He buried his face into the Mokomoko in distress.



Lifting his head up he shouted at the sky, “Fuck, this is completely your fault Sesshoumaru! Why’d you have to get yourself killed and leave me alone! And another thing, if you wanted to kill dad so much to prove your ability, why didn’t you use your sword to bring him back and defeat him! Argh! Even dead you’re pissing me off and abusing me, you bastard!” He got to his feet and kicked the tree in annoyance. Screamed a few times and then stalked off through the trees back to the stream. He crouched down, careful not to get the fur wet, and took a few healthy drinks to hydrate himself and ease his sore throat. Taking a few calming breathes he splashed water on his face to ease the redness. Patting his features dry with his billowing sleeves after the cooling.



He sat down for a moment, staring at the sky above. The fur seemed to be settling thoughtfully around him and without thought Inuyasha nuzzled his face against it and closed his eyes. Taking in the smell of Sesshoumaru and the soft warmth he sighed, “I’m really going to miss you…Sesshoumaru.”



Inuyasha rose smoothly back to his feet once he felt composed enough to relocate his friends. There wasn’t much night left, but hopefully he could get in a few hours of sleep because he was utterly exhausted now. Turning he began walking back to camp.



“By the way, Mokomoko, no one must ever know what I just said or did tonight. Especially that I was crying over Sesshoumaru, or I’ll tear all your fluff off, understood?”



The fur seemed to vibrate with an annoyed growl against Inuyasha’s neck in response. “Good,” he muttered before giving it a friendly pat and running into the trees.

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A/N - It may be a couple of days before I have time to get the next bit up. I’m editing and transcribing as fast as I can, but it takes time :o) And I won’t be home much until Monday. But, I’ll do it as fast as I can!