Check One: YES - NO - MAYBE

Authors Note: I'm not real big on authors notes. Thanks for the reviews, hope this chapter makes you guffaw and chortle out loud.


Chapter 3: The Setup

The band of friends continued their journey searching for the lost shards, the morning's weirdness forgotten by all but one. Weird stuff happened nearly every day to them. If it wasn't oni trying to eat them, and steal their few precious shards, then it was hot chicks flying around on feathers, or wolves that can turn into tornadoes, or resurrected bad guys that can turn into a tank, or Naraku and his strange desire to wear a dead primate on his head.

What did Sesshomaru want? It's not like him to seek us out and not have a reason. It has always been Tetsusaiga, or hatred of InuYasha before. This time it seemed different. He was trying to talk to me! He has never tried to talk to me before, he's always gone straight to attempted murder.

Walking across the whole of Japan gives you plenty of time to think.

Maybe it wasn't me at all. Maybe he's some sort of bizarre hentai that likes to wait around and hit on girls while acting like John Wayne. That doesn't make any sense either. And how did he know to act that way in the first place? He's never even seen a John Wayne movie before. He called me “small woman” surely he meant “little lady”. Kagome decided to exercise a very special miko power which consisted of forgetting it ever happened, so she wouldn't have to deal with it any more.

InuYasha stopped suddenly. Kagome almost walked into his back be fore pulling up sharply. Miroku on the other hand plowed squarely into Kagome's backside.

“Oh, pardon me.” he said, using both hands to help push against her ass in an attempt to pretend like it had been an accident.

Miroku cringed for the inevitable crack against his skull and the screams of “Hentai!”, but they did not come. When he opened his eyes, he looked ahead at what held the others interest.

There in the middle of the path were two ropes suspended between the trees on either side. One about chest high, and the the other, about a foot lower. Upon further inspection, he saw that there were ropes on the other side as well, making a large square. And there were some crudely fashioned chairs scattered around.

“Be careful, somethin don't seem right here.” InuYasha said, stating the obvious.

Jaken teetered in from out of the trees on one side and entered the square. He began to haltingly read from a piece of parchment.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLEEEEE!!!”

Sesshomaru stood a few feet back in the trees waiting for his cue. This will definitely work. The women had screamed for him, they had chanted his name in fanatical devotion. A few had even thrown their breast bindings at him. If she does that, I will have succeeded, and will mount her immediately. This will definitely work.

A slow grin spread across InuYasha's face as he realized what he was seeing. “I love this show.” He said, sitting in one of the rough wood chairs. “Me and Sota watch this all the time back at Kagome's house.”

The others all found chairs as well, and tentatively looked around wondering what would happen next.

“I hope that the Macho Man is gonna wrestle Triple H, or a ladder match, or a cage match!”

InuYasha's eyes got bigger and wider, and he listed off his favorite events.

“But my favorite is...”

“Ladies and gentlemen, The Rock-sama.”

The group stared in awe and amazement as he stomped up to the ropes. Dressed only in black, knee high, lace up boots; and a pair of black bikini underwear. He ducked under the top rope, climbed the ropes directly in front of them, and stared menacingly down at them with one eyebrow raised.

Perched in the corner, his terrifying glare challenged any who may dare meet him in the ring.

Miroku was the only one who could respond. “Sesshomaru-sama,” he said as he stood and stepped into the ring. “I am unsure what demonic presence has taken over your body, but I assure you, I will do everything I can to exorcise the evil spirits, and return you to your former self.”

He held out his staff, closed his eyes, and was beginning to chant when he was interrupted, not by Sesshomaru, but by InuYasha.

“Yeah! Come on Rock! Lay the smack down on him!”

“What in the blue hell are you talking bout?” Shesshomaru's head waggled as he talked into the wooden microphone, and got up in Miroku's face.”Now, shut up and sit down, before I take this size twelve boot, turn that son-a-bitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!”

InuYasha was standing on his chair, spouting off all of the catch phrases in perfect time, pumping one fist in the air. At the moment he didn't care that he could smell Sesshomaru. He could not tear his eyes from the figure in front of him. He loved professional wrestling. He loved the idea of great fighters squaring off one on one to settle their differences and to decide who was the greatest. The idea that it was playing its self out here, live, was cake. The fact that his hated half brother was prancing around, emulating his top wrestling idol in nothing but a scrap of cloth, was icing.

“You misunderstand Sesshomaru-sama, I am merely trying to help you to--”

“Silence! Would you like to sniff what this Rock is cooking?”

“Pardon?”

“Would you like to sniff what this Rock is cooking!?”

“I would be honored to try any food that you have prepared Sesshomaru-sama.”

Sesshomaru grabbed the monk by the arm and flung him to the far side of the ring. As he bounced off the ropes and came hurtling back towards the Inu, he was suddenly stopped and slammed to the ground by an outstretched arm.

“Yes! Close line” InuYasha shouted, completely caught up in the fantasy. He had dreamed of sitting ringside since the first time he and the boy had watched the muscle bound mortals fight their way around the squared circle.

Sesshomaru turned to look at Kagome. Now he would really turn it on. He twitched his pecs, first one, then the other, back and forth , over and over, just as the larger than life character had after dispatching his foe. The oil he had rubbed on his skin accentuated his well defined physique. It had felt strange at first, but not altogether unpleasant. He noticed that his bouncing muscles were having an effect, just not on the object of his affection.

Sango stared openly at his prancing and stomping around. Her momentary concern for her sometimes sweetheart, sometimes punching bag had been forgotten the moment she saw the demon lord's shiny chest begin to move of its own accord. I have never seen anything more erotic. I hope that this is not strictly a demon talent. If Miroku could do that, I would have no choice but to bear his children. She lowered her face as the thought brought a blush to her cheeks.

He turned his attention from the embarrassed slayer, and back to Kagome. He fully expected for her underclothes to come sailing at him at any moment. Instead she just sat there, with a look on confusion and disbelief.

Miroku slowly rose to his feet and began to make his way out of the torture in which he found himself. But The Rock-sama was on him again. He picked the dazed holy man up over his head and hurled him over the ropes and into the dumbstruck crowd.

Fortunately for Miroku, years of battling demons and other foul creatures had trained quite a bit of fighting instinct into him. As he hit the ground he rolled and came up on his feet. Unfortunately for Miroku, InuYasha was so wrapped up in the spectacle, he did what anyone standing outside a wrestling ring would do. He smashed a chair across Miroku's back. The monk slumped forward unconscious.

The spell's hold was broken on the hanyou as Kagome invoked the deplorable word, and was immediately face planted next to his fallen friend.

Sango and the others raced over to tend to their comrade and hurl some choice words at the half-breed. When they remembered Sesshomaru and turned to look, he and the toad were nowhere to be seen.

-------------------------------------------------->

Sesshomaru sat on the ground, wiping oil from his chest and arms. Damn InuYasha! That annoying half-breed ruins everything. To begin with he had been happy that his half brother had been into the spectacle. In truth it had been part of the reason he had taken it as far as he had. The hanyou's cheers had stirred a bit of excitement in him as well. It had been shattered the same moment the chair had on the monks back. With everyone's attention on the fallen monk, and not on him, the illusion had broken, and he had fled. He would have to separate her somehow, in order for her companions not to be a distraction, especially InuYasha.

Jaken walked about picking up the supplies from this last disaster muttering mutinously about the strange and undignified mating ritual his master had become obsessed with.

Rin on the other hand could not have been more pleased. For years she had wanted nothing more than for Sesshomaru to play with her. And here he had come up with the best game ever. Not only was he playing dress up, he had made up voices for all of his new characters as well. She filled his discarded black underpants with flowers while singing, “Candy ass, candy ass, smacking down a candy ass.”

So the big warrior is not who she wants. That should have been obvious. This Sesshomaru is a far mightier warrior than any of the pathetic humans in the magic box. He involuntarily flexed his hard muscles, knowing that he was the picture of male perfection.

I must change strategy, she must be interested in a male who is less brash and more “smooth”. He remembered his juvenile instructors term for males that acted in certain ways.

His pride would not allow him to play the part of some of the weaker males who simply threw themselves at the women they wanted, hoping they would take pity on them. No, he would still have to be strong, he went through the mental list of characters at his disposal. Of course, His claws clicked against each other as he tried to figure out how to draw her away from the others. The smoothest of the smooth.

>--------------------------------------------->

The group had settled down for the evening. They had moved the still unconscious Miroku away from their latest encounter with Sesshomaru, Lord of the Insane Schizophrenics, and had made him as comfortable as possible.

InuYasha had done his best “I'm sorry you got hurt, but it's not really my fault you're a pathetic human, and cant take a hit” routine, and had been sat several more times in the process. He and Shippo were up in the branch of a tree with InuYasha explaining all of the high drama and intrigue that was involved in the world of professional wrestling.

Sango sat by Miroku's side and attended to his needs. At the moment she was attending to his need to see down the front of her clothing as he told her all his various body parts that needed swabbing with a wet cloth. Kagome knew it would end the same way it did every time. With a yell of “HENTAI” a crack to the pervert, and the slayer stalking off into the woods.

Sango was being more attentive, and more tolerant of the monk's looks, and feels than usual. Truth was, she really didn't mind all the attention from him, in fact she kinda liked it. The biggest problem was, she wasn't the only target of his wandering eyes and hands. If she could be sure of his fidelity, she would have already taken him to her bed, and gladly, she knew she really did love him.

She was waiting for the right opportunity to ask her wounded sweetie more about the dancing pecs, and if he possessed this talent as well. If so, it may well seal the deal, and she would simply deal with any philandering, if it occurred, when it happened. She would keep him through pleasure, or pain, and let the choice be his. She smiled a wicked smile at the thought of him wanting both at the same time.

Kagome decided she would take this opportunity to go for a dip in the hot springs. It never ceased to amaze her just how many hot springs there were in feudal Japan. They were always situated about a days walk from the last one. They all seemed to have water of the perfect temperature, naturally occurring seats, and never any predators other than the two legged kind. Seriously, where do all the hot springs go in the next 500 years?

She slipped down to her shoulders in the hot water, letting the heat melt the tension in her back and neck. She looked around, yep, no bugs, no snakes, no rats, no algae, and perfectly secluded by reeds, just like all the other springs she had ever been to.

Her mind drifted back to the previous incidents of the day. They should seriously consider the possibility that Sesshomaru had completely lost his mind. What other explanation could there be to his madness? And how did he know these characters in the first place? He may have found an Entertainment Weekly magazine that had fallen out of her pack, but that didn't explain the voices or mannerisms, and John Wayne wouldn't have been in a recent Entertainment Weekly anyway. It just didn't add up.

Why was he looking at me? Both times he was looking right at me as if he expected some kind of response.

She ducked under the water and stood to begin washing.

“There you are! I have found you at last,” came a croaking voice from the far bank. Jaken waddled out from among the reeds. “And now, tell me, where is the hidden microfilm?!”

Kagome paused for a second to notice that Jaken was covered from head to foot in gold paint.

“EEP!” came out as she submerged under the water up to her neck. She had hoped that with her friends all occupied, she could forgo the standard bathing suit, and had instead entered the pool completely in the nip.

“Jaken, what the...”

“Stop right there Golden Finger” a deep voice bellowed from behind her.

She turned, still neck deep in the spring, and looked up at the figure on the bank. Black hakama and kimono, white ribbon tied around his neck. His hair had been colored black, and was slicked down against his scalp. But there was no doubt about who was standing protectively over her.

“And who might you be?” Asked the toad in a very scripted voice.

“Maru... Sessho Maru. Do you expect me to let you have the plans for the secret exploding weapons?”

“No Mr. Maru, I expect you to die.”

With that Sesshomaru reached into his kimono, and withdrew a silver object, that looked suspiciously like a hair brush with the bristles cut off, and pointed it at the miserable toad.

“BAM, BAM, BAM!” he shouted, his hand jerking in staccato time with his voice.

“AAAHHHhhhhh” the imp grabbed his chest and began to stumble back and forth until finally falling into the bushes and laying still.

“Sesshomaru, what is going on?!”

“Keep your voice down,” He blew on the end of the “Walther PPK hairbrush”, and concealed it back in his robe, “there may be others waiting to steal your plans as well.” He extended his hand to help her out of the pool.

Without thinking, she reached up to take it. In one smooth motion he whisked her from the water and wrapped the towel around her damp body. She clutched the towel to her chest as the blush rose to her cheeks.

“Worry not Miss Miko Penny, you modesty is unnecessary, I assure you. Drink?”

He produced two sake cups, poured sake into one of the cups, turned the other upside down on top of the first and began to shake them vigorously.

“Don't worry, as you can see, I am not stirring them. They are always better after a good shaking.”

Kagome was convinced the she had entered some cosmic intersection between Bizarro World and The Twilight Zone.

He placed the cup in her hand, and clinked the rim with his. “To you feeling well.”

He placed the cup to his lips and took a small sip.

Kagome tossed the whole drink back in one shot. Wow, I needed that. Thats really good sake, maybe the shaking does have something to do with it. She held the cup out to him for a refill. He took the cup from her gently, and proceed to make another mixed drink that consisted of only one ingredient.

“Sesshomaru-sama, I have the feeling that you want something. This the third time in two days that I have seen you, and you are always acting like someone else. Is something wrong with you? Do you need my help in some way?

Sesshomaru knew that he had the perfect opportunity to just tell her what was going on. She was here with him, alone, and ...wet. But something in him just wouldn't give in. He had started down this road, and by kami he would complete his plan. He couldn't just tell her, he wanted her to fall into his arms, swept up in the moment and the perfect “cool guy” that he had created for her.

“Actually, Miss Miko Penny, I do require your assistance. I need you to accompany me to a game of cards against my enemy, which I will win. Do not worry, I will kill him later. After that we shall retire to a private chamber and make love, quite vigorously.”

He handed her cup back, which she immediately downed and handed back to him for another top up. Instead of mixing another drink, he just replaced her empty cup with his full one which she tossed back as well.

He cocked an eyebrow at her in interest as he began another round. Apparently the shaking was doing the trick. He was a little surprised that she had been able to ingest so much of his special sake in so short of a time and still be standing.

“Did you just say that we're gonna do it, after you play a game of baccarat?”

“Of course, isn't this the way it's supposed to happen?”

Kagome wasn't sure what was supposed to happen. Part of the problem is that the the edges of her eyes were beginning to blur, and everything she said sounded elongated and weird.

“But how do you know who these people are?”

“What people, my dear?”

“You know, The Rock, John Wayne, and now 007. How could you possibly know who they are, or what they sound like, or what they drink? I mean, TV wont even be invented for over 400 more years.”

Something in Kagome clicked as a possible solution presented it's self.

“InuYasha told you! I should have known. He sits there with Sota and watches that TV for hours. They're always either watching TV, or playing video games. Is that who your going to be next, a guy from a video game? Who will you be next time? Naruto? Raiden? Mario? Or maybe you just dig TV characters better, lets see, who else could you pop up as? Oprah? Chuck Norris? Oh I got it, Xena Warrior Princess!”

“I can assure you miko, I have had no discussion with the hanyou on these matters.” His voice had lost a bit of it's smoothness, and a growl was beginning to form at the mention of his brothers name. Everything had been going so well, why did she have to bring him up?

“Very well, I can understand your hesitation at my previous offer, would you care to search for the remaining exploding weapons, and destroy them before they can fall into our enemies hands? Or we could slide down a frozen mountain while battling enemies from all sides. Come, both scenarios have been arranged.”

Kagome shook away the mental picture of Sesshomaru as Chuck Norris, there was no way that so much manly sexiness could fit in one package. What would his package look like? More head shaking.

“No, Sesshomaru, I really wish you would just tell me what's going on. If InuYasha didn't tell you, then where did you see all this stuff?”

All that head shaking had set the forest spinning around her. She reached out a hand to steady herself, but the only stable purchase she found was...Him.

“Miko!” he gasped as he dropped the shaking cups, and wrapped his arm around her.

“I'm schorry, I schpilled schake martini all down your pants.”

She moved her arms in an attempt to help clean the liquid off his trousers, but only managed to act like her arms had changed into rubber tentacles.

“Kagome,” his voice soft, his face close to hers, “do you desire me this way?”

“Ghwaaa”

“Does this personality please you enough to desire me?”

She reached a hand up to touch his face, wanting nothing more than for him to hold her like this and explain everything. Her plan was to gently cup his cheek in an attempt to let him know that it was all right, she was here for him. Her gesture didn't quite come out the way she planned. It was more of a flopping fish than a gentle cup. Her hand groped and grasped his face in an attempt to find his cheek.

“I don't understchand.” She wanted to, she really did. She had never seen the icy lord like this before. The hairs on her neck and arms were standing up, and she could feel a warmth rushing through her body. She just wished she could see his face, everything was blurring into blackness.

“KAGOMEEEEEE!”

Sesshomaru's head snapped up at the sound of his brothers yell coming through the forest. Damn him! Damn the cursed half-breed to the seventh level of hell! I will go to hell and create more levels just so I can damn him further!

He lay her gently down on the soft grass surrounding the small spring. He gazed at her face for a moment, and placed a soft kiss on her lips. He had been so close! He thought for a moment about pulling back the towel that now barely covered her for a quick glimpse of his prize.

But, he heard InuYasha bounding through the trees, he had obviously caught her scent, and probably his as well.

InuYasha sped as fast as he could, he had been distracted when Kagome had left the camp. He had been caught up in telling the kitsune about the time when Rey Mysterio Jr. had taken on all of Mr. McMahon's henchmen and had won the coveted title, and the golden belt that went with such accomplishments.

He hadn't even noticed when she slipped away. Why did this country have so many springs? He had checked two that were close to the camp, and had fallen in one that he hadn't even noticed before heading to the west and picking up her scent. Did she deliberately go to the spring furthest from camp, or was she just directionally challenged?

When he winded his brother as well, he picked up the pace to breakneck speed. Why was Sesshomaru so interested in them all the sudden?

He dropped to the ground at the waters edge. Looking and sniffing around he soon located the girl. She was laying on her back, her bundle of clothes under her head, spilled sake cups at her side, with only a towel on, and one breast exposed. He stared for a moment at the endowment that was peeking through the sodden terry cloth. He scooped up the girl and her belongings, and with one last look around, began to run in the direction of the camp.

Sesshomaru emerged from the trees and stooped down to pick up the cup that she had been drinking from. He studied it and placed it in the sleeve of his kimono. He had been so close, she had actually talked with him, had been concerned for him, had even offered to help. They had shared a drink, well, a bottle, and she had drank most of it. He could tell that she had felt something as he had held her.

So smooth is better than brash for her. He again began to go through the mental rolodex getting rid of certain names, and moving others. Ah, perfect. Smooth, heroic, commanding, and as luck would have it, used to dealing with women from another world.