Blue moon and Red Fire

Chapter 28: Recovery

Sleep had been a commodity that seemed just out of his reach that night, he spent hours with his eyes sealed shut, snarling at anyone that came near, literally. He was tormented every minute, and his temper was non-existent, he growled every time he heard a sound, besides the fact that it annoyed him, it also drew his shifty attention away from sleep. The only thing worse then the pain was the fact that he was dead tired and he couldn't sleep through it, it was consuming, he could think of little else. Not Houjo, Souta, nor Inuyasha, not even his stomach's grumblings for food was enough to take his mind off of it. His legs also held a contentious ache, as well as a hypersensitivity that made everything copiously hard.

Everything made it worse.

The feel of a blanket resting on top of him set his nerve endings on fire, the simple touch of a finger felt as if it were a spade digging down into his flesh. The floor they rested upon was a constant source of added pain, even a simple breeze from an open window made him hiss grudgingly. Given his usual temper that had developed, he didn't feel the least bit liable for his actions should someone push him, he was in horrible pain for goodness sake.

By now Houjo was keeping a bit of distance from Kouga, fearing he might have to for the duration of this pain, who knew how long this would take to end. He was still contented through it all because he knew this was a good sign, despite the fact Kouga was in pain, he could feel *something* where he once couldn't. It was progress.

Houjo leaned against the kitchen door way and looked upon Kouga silently, watching the wolf lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling with clear aggravation on his face and in his glaring, trembling eyes. Kouga did his best to hide it, as Houjo would expect, to elude others into thinking this little more then a minor annoyance. It wasn't working. 'Kouga...' It irked Houjo that he could do nothing for him, he couldn't even touch him without making things worse. It gnawed at him constantly, making him uneasy and restless, he needed to do something. “I'm assuming you don't want anymore.” That first something had been breakfast. Kouga, however, couldn't seem to find his appetite under the pain and fatigue, he barely ate anything at all. He got no response. “I though so.” he sighed. “In that case I'll be right back, call me if you need anything.” Not that he fooled himself into thinking Kouga actually would, he was still inclined to make the offer.

Houjo left and Kouga watched him leave, when the boy could no longer be seen his eyes reverted to the ceiling again. '...' His expression dulled into a disheartened one, listening to the silence around him, watching lifelessness grow around him before his eyes. The room felt far emptier now that Houjo had gone, and a sense of comfort the companionship of boy's presence provided had left as well. 'I'm never gonna get to sleep.' He admitted to himself, looking down at his legs with dread. Damn! Why wouldn't this pain end! Kouga cringed and clinched his trembling eyes shut, then he flinched when he felt a soft breeze of air wash over his body, causing a muddled jolt of of pain to burn through his legs. “Damnit!” He growled and pounded his fist against the ground resentfully.

He opened his eyes and was greeted with the vision of golden orbs staring down at him with a curious glance. Kouga's eyes narrowed. “What do you want Inuyasha?” His voice was malicious and hateful, he didn't want to be bothered, not now of all times, desperately tired and racked debilitating pain.

“Nothing,”Inuyasha merely looked him over, what conclusions he drew were unknown to Kouga, and spoke again. “You look like hell.”

“Oh, thanks for the update mutt!” Kouga snarled, glaring at him with dangerous eyes that threatened Inuyasha to leave him alone or suffer his anger.

It was hard to be convincing when his eyes were still shaking from the pain, Inuyasha ignored it. “Wasn't Houjo with you?” Inuyasha was hoping he would be, that somebody would be, so he would be spared the task of standing by Kouga himself. It was awkward, uneasy, and full of guilt, and as much a he hated it he felt compelled to do it by some force of, dare he say it, concern.

“He left.” Kouga retorted.

“I'll bet, how he could stand being around you so long is beyond me.”

“Real funny Inuyasha, if your done tormenting me with the sound of your voice then go somewhere else.” Kouga shot back. “I'm sure Souta can tolerate you better then I can.” His words fell on deaf ears, it seemed that Inuyasha wasn't even paying attention to him anymore. Which irked him even more.

“You really do look like hell...” Inuyasha spoke a little more seriously this time, “You should eat something, you look...pale.”

“I don't need food, I need sleep.”

“Oh.” Inuyasha finally understood, maybe he should have noticed it before, with the bloodshot eyes and the fatigued expression. He crouched down beside Kouga and looked up thoughtfully, as if he'd find the answer to his silent questioning on the ceiling..

Kouga had been staring at that very ceiling for hours, he knew there was none to be found.“There's no use thinking about it, anything you can think of I've tried it and it failed.” Kouga told him.

“Maybe if you-”
“I've had 12 hours to think about it Inuyasha, 12. Fucking. Hours, I've thought of it.” Kouga interrupted. “The only thing you can do for me now is knock me out.” The worst thing, at least in Kouga's mind, was the fact that he was completely serious when he said it.

And Inuyasha knew it. “I'm not gonna knock you out.”

“Just do it, I know you want to. This is your only chance.”

Inuyasha folded his arms and closed his eyes. “I'm not gonna do it while your like this, what's the point in that?”

“Because my legs feel like they're being cut off and I’m dead tired! Hell, do it for me.” Kouga never imaged he'd tell Inuyasha to do something for him and be completely serious. Well, there's a first time for everything.

“No way.” Inuyasha shook his head stubbornly, he couldn't do it, even if it was for Kouga's sake he couldn't bring himself to actually hit him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.

Kouga sighed and glared at Inuyasha, it seemed as if he was bound to suffer like this. “Your an annoying bastard, you know that?”

“I'm not completely useless.” Inuyasha smirked, reaching into his sleeve and withdrawing a large book, one of Houjo's, and dropping it into Kouga's anxious hands. “I'm sure this'll put you to sleep.”

! - ! - !
! - ! - !

The hours staggered along gruelingly, each moment seemed to stretch an eternity's length, until Kouga lost himself in the flow. His coherency dwindled and faded until the sharp alertness left his eyes and he stared blankly with a half-lidded gaze at the ceiling. He constantly teetered between consciousness and null, one second he was fading into darkness and his eyes were falling closed, and the next the pain made it's ever present agony known in his consciousness and he was stirred back into awareness.

Houjo trudged down the stairs with slow, lagging steps, one hand resting against the back of his neck. He yawned deeply and stretched an arm above his head, pausing to look out the newly replaced window and studied the night sky. 'I never realized how clear a new window is.' The stars were muddled by the city lights, but the moon still shined as brightly as ever, it was nearly full tonight.

Slowly and silently he sat down besides Kouga, slowly crossing his legs and resting his hands in his lap. He didn't speak at first, only letting the back of his head fall back against the couch and his eyes close, waiting to see if Kouga would drift off. But it became apparent soon enough that he wouldn't, his breathing never normalized and his eyes never stayed closed for very long. “You know.” He spoke softly. “It might be more comfortable to sleep upstairs in a bed.”

“...” Kouga didn't respond, though his eyes opened a little wider and his eyes focused on Houjo.

Houjo peeked one eye open and took an accessing glance at Kouga. “You probably don't wanna move right now though.”Houjo said decidedly, “I wish I could do something to help you though.”

“I'm fine.” Kouga's voice was soft and a bit slurred with fatigue, he knew he wasn't , but he knew how to act as if he was in front of Houjo.

“Kouga...” Houjo sighed. “You should just let me worry, it's the only thing I can do for you, it's the only thing you'll let me.”

“?” Kouga's expression twisted into perplexity.

“I mean you never let me do anything for you. You never let me help you.” Houjo smirked in a dark humor “You could be half dead and you'd still just push me away. As a matter of fact, you were half dead at one point...and you did push me away.”

“You shouldn't worry so much.” Kouga said stubbornly, closing his eyes and letting his head fall to the side. “I'm ok.”

Houjo nearly laughed out loud, it wasn't his usual practice to find humor in these sorts of situations, but something rose out of him this time and he couldn't help but do so. “See, there it is again.” He said. “I wish you would stop being so tough for once. You haven't slept more then a few minutes in the last two days, your in constant pain, let me help you.”

“And what could you do?” Kouga snorted.

“Well...uh...” Houjo opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling,blinking questioningly. “I never had a chance to think about it...Not much right now I suppose.”

He could practically hear Kouga saying I told you so.

“But that doesn't mean I can't help you if you actually let me.” Houjo pushed his back off the couch and leaned over Kouga, the jewel shard around his neck hanging off loosely. “Your always protecting me, so let me do something for you every once and a while. I'm not completely useless you know.”

Kouga opened his eyes and looked up at Houjo with more focused then he had in hours. “What you mean useless?”

“You know, when a person has no use.” Houjo also wasn't the sarcastic type, but why not? Wasn’t he allowed to to give it a try since Kouga was so well endowed in that area?

“You are *not* useless.” Kouga hated that Houjo had to say such a thing, that he had such a feeling. Kouga knew very well how it felt to be useless, he'd been struggling through such a feeling for quite a while now. It was unbearable for someone as reverently proud as he was, to suddenly feel as though you were weak and worthless. It was hollowing. Of course for a much more humble person such as Houjo it wasn't nearly as large a blow, but Kouga hated for him to feel that way all the same.

Couldn't he see that? Didn't Houjo realize that was why he pushed him away like he did? Houjo's intervention would only perpetuate that worthless feeling, it would only persuade him of his weakness farther. He couldn't bare to lose what little bit of pride he'd managed to retain, he didn't think he could go on if he lost that.. Damnit, he had to get back on his feet again...

“I can't do anything if you don't let me...”

“I...I...” Kouga wanted so badly to simply say no, he was fine, Houjo should just stop worrying and leave him alone. But he couldn't, how could he possibly deny Houjo when he'd come to him in such away, caring for him enough to want to help him. He was his mate after all. “Damn...alright.” He relented.

Houjo smiled a quick smile before his focus relented to something else, his hand raised from his side and his eyes drifted to Kouga's legs.

When Kouga saw where Houjo's hand was heading towards he was immediate roused from his state of half sleep with a twinge of fear. “W-what are you doing?”

“I wanna try something.” Houjo said.

“B-but...” Kouga grew taunt with anxiety, a dread rising in side of him. It already hurt, the pain was nearly unbearable as it was, he could imagine what would come if Houjo actually touched him like so many other things had. “N-no, no way.”

“You said you'd let me help you, at least let me try.” Houjo pleaded. “And if it hurts I'll stop.” His hands progressed slower and slower the closer he came, until they were right above Kouga's legs and the wolf could feel the heat drifting off of them.

Kouga clinched his eyes shut and let his head fall back, he didn't want to watch this. “Just hurry and get it over with.”

Houjo's fingertips grazed against Kouga's skin, and he halted, his hands trembling with anticipation. Kouga flinched at the contact, and the small burn that came along with it, but managed to stay silent and still. Surprisingly, no pain came when Houjo's palms made contact, both hands rested against his leg and he felt nothing but the touch. “?” He opened his eyes and watched questioningly as Houjo's hands begin to move, expecting the pain to come any second in overwhelming volume, but nothing did.

“Does it hurt?” Houjo asked.

“...No...it doesn't.” Kouga was astounded, how could this be? Even a burst of wind had created searing pain, why had this not? It didn't feel like anything actually, he began to notice as Houjo's hands moved, the pain in the places they touched dulled slightly. “Houjo...”

“Just try to get some sleep.”

Kouga was too tired not to comply, despite his best attempts he still felt his eyes drifting closed and breathing slowing... “?” What was that?...That light? Kouga could tell there was a small glow even with his eyes nearly closed, this faint aura.. was it the...jewel...sh..

! - ! - !
! - ! - !

“Why are you here?” Kouga asked. He folded his arms and looked away with annoyance, though he knew that would not detour the boy. “Don't you have school or something?”

“No.” Souta shook his head, sitting down on the edge of the couch besides Kouga and pushing himself back. He looked up at the wolf questioningly. “When is your birthday?”

Another incessantly annoying personal question.

Kouga rolled his eyes and looked at him with the frustration visible in his expression this time. Souta picked fine time not to be shy, Damnit, why did he have to be so fixated on him. “Why are you so worried about me all of a sudden?”

Souta rubbed the back of his head and looked away with a characteristic tepidness. “I...I was always worried about you.”

Kouga studied Souta's face for as long as the shy, worrisome expression remained. He'd seen that expression many times on Souta's face, mirrored back at him whenever he looked as of late. 'That kid sure does worry a lot...' Souta worried a lot, Souta was a lot of things, a particularly inquisitive person he was not. So Kouga wondered what brought on this sudden inquiry of personal facts. “Don't worry about me so much, you got your own things to worry about. Like those voices in your head.”

Souta blushed and dropped his head, stammering along with embarrassment. “Yeah..well...” Souta swallowed hard and tried to compose himself, and failed, lurching back into his diffident self. “...I can't help worrying. I hate seeing you like this.” He admitted. “When your sad, it...kinda makes me sad too.”

“Your such a kid.” Kouga reached over and rubbed Souta on the head, ruffling his hair slightly. It must have been Inuyasha, he thought, that was the reason why he suddenly started asking those questions. Inuyasha had been intent on removing some of the shyness and fear that had been inside of him. It must have been working to some degree. As much as Souta probably needed it, Kouga hoped Souta didn't change too much. He liked him just the way he was. “Why are you getting so down over me, there's no point.” Kouga said, a bit of amusement in his voice.

“Cause' it's partly my fault...” Souta's hands fell into his lap and he played with his fingers nervously, he lost the ability look at Kouga directly. “You might not have ended up like this if you hadn't been trying to protect-”

“Is that the only reason you have?” Kouga said, nearly bursting out with a laughter, “That's getting old.” Souta didn't see what it was he found so funny. “If we would have taken you guys along then you probably would have ended up dead or something like that. And I'd rather say like this forever then have you die.”

Those words did little more then make Souta feel worse about it all, he looked away, eyes down cast. “Still, if I was stronger I could have helped.”

My, how impatient he was. Kouga assumed this was Inuyasha's fault also, Souta couldn't be naturally impatient, it didn't fit with his personality, it must have been Inuyasha's doing, Kouga thought. “Your not gonna get strong that fast, your still a kid.” Kouga snorted, “I know you don't like it but your still gonna need to be protected for a while, it takes a hell of a lot a practice and training.”

“So... I'm still gonna be weak? I'm just gonna be useless?” Souta sighed exasperatedly, his shoulders slumping. “I guess I should just stay out of the way.”

Kouga glanced at Souta, disheartened, Inuyasha had his work cut out for him, he was sure of that. “Don't get discouraged so easy.” He grunted, displaying his annoyance. “You got a lot of potential. I can see it right now, your gonna be really strong when you get older.”

“You really think so?” Souta asked, looking up hopefully.

“Heh, would I lie to you?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Well I'm not.”

Souta looked up at him with a wide smile, laughing softly. He sat up strait and leaned in a little closer to Kouga, an expectant look coming to his face.

'?' It made Kouga a little nervous.“What?”

“So, when's your birthday?”

Kouga silently cursed to himself, when did Souta get so persistent? “I'll tell you when it comes, alright?”

“Alright.” Souta nodded.”Your legs are feeling a little better right?” He jumped from one interest to another.

“Uh...yeah.” Kouga shrugged, maybe it had, or maybe he's grown accustomed to it. He was able to sleep now, and even could tolerate movement.

“So did you try it?”

“Try what?”

“Try moving something.” Souta had a bit of excitement in his voice when he spoke, his form grew more anxious anticipant, and he leaned a little closer.

“Huh?” Kouga had grown so use to his dread that he hadn't even considered trying to do anything with his legs for fear of pain. “No...I haven't...”

“You should try then.” Souta said, looking down at Kouga's legs intently. He seemed to want this, Kouga noticed how confident about this he was, Kouga almost wished he could have the same demeanor. “Your tail is alright, so the rest of you must still work.” That tail was so cool.

Kouga looked over at Souta, then down at himself. Why hadn't he thought of this, had the very thought of attracting the long-suffering wrath of pain instilled enough fear in him that he'd even abandoned the new goal of his life? No, he couldn't let himself forget that easily, he couldn't live with himself if fear of pain stopped him. “Well...ok...”

As much as he resolved not to let the fear of pain stand in his way, there was some initial reluctance he couldn't avoid. Kouga took in a deep breath, his body grew taunt and made the simple action of clinching. “!!” He was immediately met with a searing pain that shot through his legs into his spine like fire in his veins, he bit down on his bottom lip when he felt an out cry coming but he still couldn't contain the whimper that slipped out. He would have normally chastised himself immediately for such a weakness, but he was in too much pain to care.

He heard Souta gasp in surprise, and immediately peaked an eye open, “What?” He asked, his voice strained with reserve. “What is it?”

“It moved.” The boy told him, excitement flowing in waves so strong Kouga could practically feel it. “I knew it would work.”

Kouga looked up at him disbelief, was it even possible? He hadn't felt anything at all but pain, could there have been movement and he had not realized it? His entire being froze in a hopeful, fearful shock, it didn't feel as if it could be real after all those times he'd fallen. Damnit! If he had only kept his eyes open he would know for himself! “What moved?!” He asked anxiously.

“You leg, it twitched kinda.” Souta told him, excitement and all. “Can you do it again?”

Hell, it was worth a shot, he didn't even care about the pain anymore as long as he could see some life return to his dead limbs. “Yeah, I think I can!”

This time he'd be sure to keep his eyes open.

! - ! - !
! - ! - !

Damnit.

He had hadn't he.

He'd completely forgotten.

That day he had promised Houjo that he'd let him help every once and while.

Why'd he have to go and say a thing like that?

Kouga just hoped this didn't look half as undignifying as it felt.

The first strike had been when when Houjo managed to convince him to relinquish his armor and furs and bathe. It wasn't that Kouga was adverse to the idea, he couldn't remember the last time he'd taken one. At lest of his own accord, he was sure Houjo had taken up the task sometime when he was unconscious for several days a few weeks ago.

And that was fine as long as he didn't have to know about it, as long as he didn't have to be conscious enough to perceive it.

Sitting there naked in a soapy bath tub with parts of him submerged that hadn't seen water in weeks would have been all fine and good had he been alone. He most certainly wasn't, the ever vigilant Houjo not only helped him into the tub, he took it upon himself to remain. Kouga was sure it was simply to mock him, to poke fun at his weakened state, even if Houjo insisted it was just to help. So what if his balance was shot to hell and it was hard to stay sitting upright, so what if the pain from the waist down made it hard to make any type of movement that would effect them, if he drowned he drowned.

It would sure as hell be better then this.

So Kouga sat there, surrounded by soapy water up to his chest, his hair hanging down and clinging to his wet skin, staring forward angrily, contemplating a way out of this. Houjo leaned over the edge of the tub with a towel in hand, intending to wash Kouga's back but he was immediately warded off by a fierce growl, and a warning he'd bite if he had to. “My bite is much worse then my bark.” Kouga warned bitterly, folding his arms.

“Come on Kouga.” Houjo pleaded with him. “You can't do this by yourself.”

“Why don't you leave and lets find out shall we.” Kouga said, looking at him expectantly.

Houjo would not be dissuaded so easily. “We've been in here for 15 minutes, you have to let me help you some time.”

“I don't have to let you do anything.”

Houjo, half defeated, scratched his head with a bit of frustration at his foiled attempts. Reasoning with the reverently proud wolf clearly wasn't working, Kouga was quite immune to reason as Houjo understood it. “I'm not leaving, you might drown.”

Such a remark didn't go over well with Kouga, the insinuation that he was so weak at this point that he could drown in a bath tub wasn't something Kouga particularly liked to hear. His gaze intensified, and if it was at all possible for a look to kill, or at the very least cause property damage, the wall he was staring at would erupted into a blazing inferno. “Your enjoying this aren't you.” Kouga grunted. “You just completely amused by this aren't you, admit it!” Kouga shouted, pointing at him accusingly.

Houjo sighed and shook his head. He'd have to use a different approach, and it wasn't hard to think of one, he'd maneuverer his way around Kouga many times, and this would be no different. To say Kouga was hormonal was an understatement, Kouga had a considerable libido, Houjo wasn't sure if it was the same in all demons or just this one. Knowing what exactly what buttons to push, Houjo leaned forward, without the towel so Kouga wouldn't have a clue to his actions, and laid a soft kiss on Kouga's neck.

“?” Kouga fearsome gaze became one of complete and utter confusion. Houjo slowly slipped a hand through Kouga's wet hair and pulled him into to a kiss. “W-what are you doing?” he stammered out.

Houjo didn't respond, but he couldn't help but smirk as his hand ran down Kouga's back with light, feather soft touches that stirred his blood. For the record, he was amused at this point.

“H-hey, h-hey! I know what your doing!” Kouga shouted, his eyes grown angry again. Houjo's smirk only grew into a smile and he kissed him again, one hand resting Kouga's chest and gods it was warm. Kouga learned at that moment, having the insight to realize something and having the capacity to stop it not only weren't mutual exclusive, but too completely different things.

No sex came out of it, that would have been strike two had he not come out of it immaculately clean. This was not the indignity he was referring too, though it was still quite..well, undignifying, not only the fact that Houjo had washed him, but that he'd tricked him so easily.

Strike two had been what occurred soon afterwords. Having come out of the bath wet and deprived, he expected to dawn his usual attire. Houjo however confiscated his armor and promised to clean it, pointing out how pointless it was to clean up and go back and put on something dirty. This was not an insurmountable inconvenience, he would have been just fine sitting around the house in a towel for the duration.

Houjo found cleansing his armor a bit more challenging then he had anticipated, and it was tedious for Kouga to keep retiring the towel. Inuyasha had some how been the one to actually wittiness it slip off, and wouldn't stop ridiculing him for it. Kouga subsequently demanded his clothing back to spare himself farther embarrassment, with no luck. Houjo devised another solution. And that's where the problem lay. Houjo had some how managed to get Kouga into some of his own clothing instead.

It was much worse the it sounded.

Houjo was taller then Kouga, and his clothing subsequently was too large, the t-shirt hung off of him making him seem a little frail, and the pants were far to long and lose, making him seem...well...short. Not to mention the fact that his tail wasn't exactly negotiable with this attire, the pants hung constantly just below the tail, making the use of a belt impossible.

Undignifying.

It certainly wasn't the best thing for patience.

Strike three came today. Houjo's clothing were a bit more bearable now that certain alterations had been made, sleeves and legs were rolled, shirts tucked, tails were accommodated for. Most of the pain had disappeared from his legs leaving only a numb tingling, and Kouga found it to a perfect opportunity to put down whatever book he found and try his hand at walking. And Houjo insisted on helping him.

After watching him stumble what had be a few hundred times over the duration of several hours.

The taller boy became a ready crutch for the injured Kouga, with one arm wrapped around the wolf's waist and the other holding on to Kouga's arm around his shoulder, either to keep it from slipping, or, as Kouga saw it, to keep him from escaping. Kouga had no choice but to lean on him heavily, most of his body weight was supported by Houjo.

Three strikes and, as they say, your out. Something was definitely out, his pride. So what if he had no balance what so ever, and he stumbled and fell the ground most of the time before he came close to standing. He didn't ask for Houjo's help! And he damn well didn't like it being thrust upon him. He'd rather stumble and fall a hundred more times before asking Houjo for help, he wanted to do it on his own, he wanted to stagger and stumble like newborn calf by himself and gain the strength to stand on his own rather then be helped along with all the shame of having needed the help. He didn't care if it took longer that way, he'd do it if it spared him what he felt right now.

Kouga lifted one foot slowly and took a limping step, his legs growing taunt again to support as much as his weight as he could. He should have been at lest a little happy right now, but instead he felt oddly defeated.

“Kouga...” Houjo sighed. He hurriedly took a shuffling step to replace himself beside Kouga. “I thought you'd be happy, after all this time.”

Kouga didn't respond, he simply hung his head down, barely able to draw up the will to take another step forward.

“Is it that horrible?” Houjo asked with a sullen questioning. “Is it that unbearable to let me help you?”

No response.

Houjo began to give up getting one. He couldn't understand it, where that look had come from, this strange demeanor, it was as if Kouga had nothing left. “I don't understand it, I don't get you at all Kouga. You always want to protect me, but you wont let me help you. Why do you always have to do things alone, why don't you want me to help you?”

Kouga looked away timidly, his expression shifting into depressed reluctance. Houjo could see it in his eyes, he had the answer he was looking for, but still he never said anything. No response.

“Then what's the point?” Houjo took the lead step this time, coaxing Kouga forward. “Why am I even here? It can't be all one sided, you can't just block me out.” An attempt to slip past Kouga's defenses.

A futile attempt.

Kouga felt incapable of responding. Of course Houjo was right about it all, but he simply didn't understand everything. He had no idea how hard this was for him, this crushing depression that had begun to push down on him all at once, forcing the will out of his body, he didn't even want to move anymore. Some part of him had finally broken, this was the last straw maybe. “...” No response.

Houjo watched him intently, trying to interpret what meager reactions his words did draw from the wolf. Kouga still held his head down, his eyes still averted. “That's life I guess.” Houjo shrugged, taking another step forward and having to pull Kouga along. “I don't know what to tell you. You can't do everything by yourself. And isn't it better to do things together with someone anyway? It's easier, it's faster, and at lest then your not alone. People are stronger that way, you know?” A plead for fellowship.

Alone... maybe that was it. Kouga felt that he had to do things alone, that it was better not to involve other people, for their own sake. He had this fear, he supposed he'd had it for a while now, that things would end badly for them. So he kept them at a distance in a way, doing all things alone, fearing they might get hurt or go off and do something like dying. He did not act in this fashion deliberately; he did not prefer this kind of relationship with people. He longed for a feeling of constant oneness of feeling with Houjo, with others, in which the basic emotions of life were shared, in which common memory formed a common past, in which collective hope reflected a possible future. The death of his pack changed him in more ways then he realized. He rarely worked together with anyone, Inuyasha not withstanding, and was strongly protective of those he had left. Anything that he could do himself he would, and even if he couldn't he would try it anyway, snapping at anyone who tried to help, who tried to involve themselves. Because it began to aggravate the hell out of him when people tried to do things he thought he could or should do himself. “...” No response

Houjo paused, glancing out of the window. “I guess it can't be helped then.” Relenting.

Kouga didn't look up. His personality was numb, reduced to a lumpish, loose, dissolved sate. He was a non-man, something that knew vaguely that it was a person but felt that it was not. Maybe everything else he could have over looked, but this, this was defeating. He wasn't exactly sure why this thing was insurmountable, maybe it was because he'd struggled so diligently and relentlessly trying to get back on his feet. Maybe it was the simple fact that he'd made it his new goal in life, that he'd resolved to face this particular demon of his on his own. Whatever the reason, having to take his first steps using Houjo as a crutch, as something he needed to actually perform this action. It was a crushing defeat for him. “...” An impassable and shameful loss.

Houjo didn't speak either. “...”

“...I'm sorry.” Then finally, with reluctance, Kouga finally said something, his eyes still averted and his head still hung low. “I know...your trying to help me, that's just the kind of person you are. It's just...” Kouga's voice drifted off, and a long silence followed, Houjo began to doubt he'd speak again. He couldn't possibly explain his reasons for feeling this way, for being this way, he'd have to dove into his entire life story, every event, every influence, every feeling. “...Just...don't give up on me yet.” His arm tightened subtly around Houjo and he slowly rested his head against the boy's shoulder. As defeated as he felt, this was the one good thing that came out of it all. He felt a little better when he was close to Houjo, maybe it was just his imagination but he settled a bit, and the pain wasn't a bad.

Houjo didn't understand it, and he wasn't sure if he ever would. His eyes moved from the window back to Kouga, who still didn't look up, and simply shrugged and nodded, unobserved by Kouga. He took another step forward, and Kouga subsequently took one of his own.

Houjo was right, it was progress.

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