The Pain In My Heart

Title : The Pain In My Heart
Author : Saraste
Beta: princess_mir
Fandom : Inuyasha
Pairing : Miroku/Inuyasha
Rating : PG-13
Word Count: 6191
Warnings : disfiguration, mpreg, angst, dark, morally heavy issues being discussed
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Inuyasha depicted herein who belong to Rumiko Takahashi and the publishers of the series and the company who made the anime, I only borrow them in this work of fiction which I do for no monetary profit.
Summary : Inuyasha is unlucky enough to accidentally cross paths with Naraku while alone, Naraku beats him near to death and rapes him. Will Miroku be able to pick up the pieces of Inuyasha's shattered heart and make him whole? And once the unexpected consequences of Inuyasha's rape come to light, will his and Miroku's love be able to bring them together again and pull Inuyasha away from a sinister fate?


* * * * * * *


Guilt ate away at Sesshoumaru.

He would be the worst brother if he would let Inuyasha continue to be as he was. To encourage it. His actions towards his brother must have just compounded to the sense of wrong in the way the hanyou saw the world now, his skewed perception. But in the current moment, the Lord of the West had no other choice. He couldn't wrench his ailing brother back into reality, right now. Inuyasha was too frail, his grip on life too shaky to try and persuade him that the one who held him wasn't the monk. That it was his brother, not the stupid monk that had his arms around him, his brother's robes onto which he bled. His brother, not the monk, keeping death away from him, trying to stave off the inevitable.

Sesshoumaru breathed in and frowned as he smelled his brother. The blood, the pain, the way death lingered around the hanyou. Inuyasha bore the smell of Naraku's poison as he carried the seed of his violation deep inside. Because of that, he was now slipping. Naraku's attack had damaged Inuyasha's mind, his nightmares were testament to the fact. Not even in dreams did the lord’s brother find comfort.

The only comfort that Inuyasha had had since his attack had been in the arms of the man who claimed to love him. The man who should have been here. Holding Inuyasha, make him cling to life, stave away the nightmares and show the hanyou that whatever Naraku had done to him, he was a fool to believe in the lies his mind concocted as dark memories festered in his mind.

He should have been there.

Whatever Sesshoumaru might have said, even he was hesitant now. He watched his brother's slumbering form, slumped against him. He could feel the damp coldness of his half-brothers blood as it seeped through the light yukata he'd thrown on as he'd heard Inuyasha's agonized screams. Oh but to have come only to another nightmare, not this, his brother bleeding through the evil of Naraku's memory. Or rather, through the hanyou's own madness, driven on by the dreams.

Inuyasha seemed to be resting peacefully for the moment, alive but just barely, in a state of false calm, tinged with calamity. The thrashing was gone and he was slack, quietly bleeding all over Sesshoumaru's once pristine robes. Peaceful. The lord knew the calm was only outward, for there was a catastrophe slumbering inside the hanyou's mind.

Sesshoumaru glanced aside as his mind went back. The words haunted him, his brother's voice etched to his memory. 'Miroku, you came back!' His brother's sorrow was gone now. It had hung in the air so thick as to taste. There was joy. Mad joy. False joy. His brother believed, having succumbed to some folly of his mind, that he, Sesshoumaru, was the human monk. Inuyasha's mind had succumbed to his nightmare and given in to fantasy. Believing in a lie concocted by his ailing mind as his body was slipping away.

Only then, as his brother held the Lord of the West happily in the belief that he was his lover, had Sesshoumaru realized what a mistake it had all been. As Inuyasha's blood seeped into his clothes, the silk clinging coldly onto his skin, only then did Sesshoumaru realize what a lapse of judgment on his part it had been to let Inuyasha leave his lover behind. His brother would have surely protested but the parting had not been doing any good to his health. Inuyasha's body might have been healing, if slowly, but his mind... Sesshoumaru cursed himself for not having noticed his brother's slow descent to darkness.

He should have seen. Yet he had quite haughtily dismissed the nightly recurring nightmares as par course. His brother had been violated. It was not something anyone would recover from, quickly. Still, he dismissed them as mere bad dreams. He did not think of the effect they would have on his brother's damaged sense of self, his shattered mind. From conversing with the miko, by her insistence, Sesshoumaru had been told that the nightmares had lessened. The monk had been sleeping by his brother's side, just sleeping, and his physical presence had seemed to help Inuyasha mend. That the human, a known lecher to the Lord of the West, had kept his wandering hands to himself did raise his opinion in the youkai's mind.

The Lord of the West sighed.

Crimson blood still flowed freely from Inuyasha's wounds, only a frail flicker of hope anxiously holding onto life, the hanyou was quietly slipping away. All Sesshoumaru could do now was not to jar his brother and flood him with his youki to keep him stable until the healer arrived. He cursed Naraku, and his own part in helping Inuyasha keep the child. Maybe it would have been better had his brother lost it. There would have been the slim chance of his surviving the loss... even if not mentally intact. His brother's skin felt cold and clammy under his touch. It was no good.

Sesshoumaru couldn't decide if, should his brother die, it would be better for him to do so in the belief that his lover was back. With the way his mind was corrupted by dark thoughts of Naraku, to the extend that he had done willful harm unto himself... maybe it would be kinder to just let him perish? Slip away quietly with his last memory in life, however false, of a lover’s warm arms around him as he drew his last breath.

Even as he pondered, Sesshoumaru could feel his concentration faltering. He could feel Inuyasha's heart skip a beat, stumble. The youkai shook his head in attempt to clear it. He couldn't let his thoughts get the better of him. It showed how much he cared, that he let thoughts of his brother do so. That his feelings towards his half-sibling were strong enough to break his once sterling concentration and steely resolve.

When he cared, he seemed to lose his self, let his emotions run him wild. Before it had only been Rin, but in view of how much he'd let his brother get away with... it seemed he had always cared for his brother.

Sesshoumaru sighed again. No, he did not want his brother to die. Didn't want Naraku to have the real satisfaction of having killed him. Also, the Lord of the West hated the thought that his brother would die believing a lie. It was wrong. Yet...

Wouldn't I be better for him to die with false happiness than live a lie, of which there might be no coming back from?

There was a commotion as the miko and healer burst in. The old youkai woman crossed the distance from door to the bed in confident, hurried steps. Sesshoumaru looked over at them, the healer was already setting down her things by the bed while the miko cried and wrung her hands by the door. The girl clearly dared not enter. The Lord of the West cared not. He shook his mind free of all thoughts of Inuyasha's death, now that he miko was here... there was nothing to it but beat the odds and drag his brother back from the gates of death.

The healer was old Kaoru. She'd been seeing to Inuyasha's health ever since the hanyou had arrived at the castle, sick in more ways than one. As the miko hovered, undecided and terrified, the healer looked at her lord.

“You need to lay him down so I can have a look at him, my Lord Sesshoumaru.” Her cool deep blue eyes met his. “The girl told me what to expect.” He knew that she also saw it clearly, now, and smelled it. Her senses were more attuned than his, even if he did smell death creeping over his brother.

Sesshoumaru acceded, gently pushing Inuyasha away, trying to pry him off of himself and to lie down on the futon. But the hanyou fussed, refusing to let go, he clung to his brother desperately. Gasping as he was drowning, his wounds gaping over by his movement. Blood spattered on his brother's robes and onto the bed. Finally the hanyou uttered a string of broken words.

“Miroku, don't let go... Miroku...” The words sounded all the more desperate as blood trickled down Inuyasha's chin, adding a distinct gurgle to his tone. He coughed and his whole body shook violently as he gasped for air. Sesshoumaru kept a grip on him, steadying him with his right hand.

The youkai lord heard the miko gasp behind him. Thankfully she did not speak, he hoped she'd have the sense to remain quiet until Inuyasha was preoccupied. Even if his brother's noticing anything outside his grip to the person he thought was his lover was highly doubtful. But Sesshoumaru did not need the miko's hysterics any nearer himself for the moment. She kept away, silent.

“It's all right, Inuyasha.” The lies clung to his lips, hollow and foul, if needed. “The healer will just look at you, I won't go away. I'll be right by your bedside, don't worry....” he soothed his brother, finally getting him to let go.

Kaoru took over, her hand gently easing Inuyasha down as the brother's parted.

As he stood away from the bed, Sesshoumaru saw the old healer's look. He didn't look at Inuyasha again himself, looking into her eyes and communicating a wordless understanding. What he'd seen before had been more than enough. The sight of his brother, mouth open in a scream, claws ripping at his own flesh, his clothes bloody, it would haunt him enough as it was. The healer nodded, bent on her task, murmuring. Sesshoumaru turned to look away. His golden eyes settled upon the miko, who'd now advanced into the room. He held her gaze, her wide and scared hazel eyes, and went to her while the healer begun her work.

On his way he looked down at his robes, they were bloody but he was as presentable as could be expected. But he did not care, his usual cool exterior slipping back into place. He needed it, needed to project a collected image of himself in front of the miko. He craved the safety of it, the protection of his mask.

“Why?...” the young human miko was cut short by the Lord of the West who slid the door behind her shut and took hold of her hand. He walked her from the door to stand by the still open window, keeping them in view of Inuyasha. Who had, Sesshoumaru quickly observed, slipped into unconsciousness again.

He spoke in a low whisper, keeping her close. “Inuyasha thinks I'm the monk, he is... lost to his hopes.” Sesshoumaru informed the young woman in an undertone. For once, he disliked how harsh his words sounded. But there was no way he could say it any other way. And he needed to inform her, she was his brother's friend... she could help Inuyasha recover. She could at least try. Also, there would be no hiding Inuyasha's delusions, best lay them out in the open right away, the better to try and yank his brother back to reality.

Kagome's eyes widened as she looked at Sesshoumaru, he was certain she was happy to avoid having to look at his brother by looking at him instead. He felt her body tremble in his grip. She noticed how his hand had left a bloody imprint on her sleeve. Shocked brown eyes lowered to look at his bloody yakata and gasped.

She choked back a sob.

“Ohh, Inuyasha!...” her eyes swam with tears and Sesshoumaru twitched momentarily in the fear that she'd dare embrace his person. Gladly, she didn't. She merely shook her head, clearly trying to understand. He wished he did. “The nightmares, it's because of them, isn't it?” she questioned him with a low voice, her whisper demanding. She was always acting so... familiar with him.

Sesshoumaru suddenly looked towards Inuyasha, his brother had whimpered but was mostly docile once again. The boy’s physical pain and false comfort swirled in the air. Mixing with the still present shadow of death. The youkai lord had dealt enough of it to be keenly aware of it's presence, it nagged at the back of his mind now.

“It would appear so,” the Lord of the West answered promptly enough.

“Miroku...” the frail, hoarse and wet sounding voice of the lord's brother came from behind them. The healer gently shushed her patient. He coughed again, it made both the youkai and human shudder.

As Sesshoumaru turned, the girl lay a hand on his arms, making him to turn around and confront her. His golden eyes were questioning, arrogant.

“He can't be told. Not until he's stronger... Those wounds...” And the lord knew the girl would never be rid of the image of his brother either. Her brown eyes were huge and she looked to be on the brink of denial, giving him a momentary concern as to how well she would cope. He'd not have her fainting all over the place. Briefly he wondered if this would be the worse memory in her mind, or would it be of the time when they'd found Inuyasha. Nearer to death then than now.

The Lord of the West nodded. He'd not put his brother to undue risk. He couldn't deny the lingering scent of death which hung persistently over his younger brother. Kaoru the healer had tried all she could but she couldn't dispel it even when Inuyasha's health had been steady during his stay in the palace. Nor had the old youkai been able to draw out the poison clinging to Inuyasha's blood. The hanyou's affliction was something which greatly boggled Kaoru's mind.

As Sesshoumaru went to take Inuyasha's hand in his, he let his brother keep to his deception. Let him believe the monk was there. For the sense of doom hanging over all was too great. Even with such skill as Kaoru's, who could be certain that Inuyasha's wounds would not hasten his end. He was too weak for such blood loss. If such would be the case, in the end, then Sesshoumaru decided that would let his brother keep his comfort in dreams.

“I'm here, Inuyasha,” Sesshoumaru said to Inuyasha, cringing inside. It went against his nature to let this kind of deception continue. Yet he must. He could only hope that his brother would be safe in his delusions.

And he sat there for as long as was needed. He listened to Inuyasha's raspy breaths, felt the coldness of his hand in his, watched as he was tended to.

Finally Kaoru was done for the time being, heavy bandages covered the wounds on Inuyasha's body and she was giving him a quickly mixed potion to make him sleep. The lord's younger brother had almost instantly fallen asleep into what Sesshoumaru hoped was a dreamless sleep. He let go of his brothers hand and stood, going to Kaoru.

“Will he live?” the lord asked. He didn't like the lingering stench of poison and sickness still clinging to his brother.

Kaoru looked at him, he saw the frown on her face by the light of the candles. “It would be better if he was rid of the poison. It gnaws at him and I still can't banish it from his blood. But he will live, for now. The wounds were not too deep, it was the blood loss which weakened him.” She closed her eyes. “But I can't deny that they were grave, the very fact that he coughed up blood... I was able to repair the damage he did.”

“What of the...” Sesshoumaru stopped mid-sentence, an uncharacteristic thing. He began to ponder about the answer. What would be more preferable?

“The pup survives, for good or ill. I believe that he'd fare much better without it yet to lose it now would surely kill him,” Kaoru concluded with her even tone.

Her words were nothing new to Sesshoumaru.

“The baby is killing him?” the miko joined in on the conversation. She shivered as she spoke, sorrow and anxiety clinging to her scent.

“In a way, yes,” Kaoru replied, looking at her lords brother who for now was resting easily on the edge of the bed, wrapped up in a blanket. The bedding would need to be changed. It was ruined. “He's so weak that his being with child puts his body under enormous strain yet if he were to lose it, he'd die in labor.”

Sesshoumaru asked the pressing question. He had to now, he'd avoided it weeks himself. Ever since he'd known and carried his brother far away from his lover, and his apparent anchor to sanity, Sesshoumaru had not thought about the implications of his brother carrying Naraku's progeny. Now was finally the time to lay niceties aside and be brutal in his words. He had to know.

“But is the child killing him?”

The healer looked at him, she'd noticed his intent. She was clearly taken aback by his words, her blue clear eyes widening. Her lord was stoic but for him to ask such a thing so coolly?

Kaoru knew her lord would not rob his brother of his child, not even knowing that it had been conceived in rape. It was an innocent and her mind rebelled against the idea that it was in any way responsible for lord Inuyasha's condition. She was quite sure that the life within the hanyou had no other affect on his health besides the pregnancy taking it's toll on an already damaged body.

So she answered in the only way that she could.

“If he were healthy then both would be fine. I can't deny that the pup is taking his energy---,” she was cut short by Sesshoumaru.

“That was not what asked, Kaoru.” He shook his head, looking firmly into her eyes. “Is the child killing him, is it the reason the poison is still within his system?” Sesshoumaru's voice remained emotionless, he didn't let his worry for his brother to seep into his words. He had an image to preserve. Even while the current situation had greatly disturbed his equilibrium he wouldn't let it show.

The healer looked towards the bed, shaking her head as her eyes focused on the frail form of her lords brother. He'd need a change of clothes, poor boy. What he'd had on earlier, now lay in tatters by the bed, to be removed later. She'd had to disrobe him to bandage him.

“I can't tell, my lord. I don't detect anything alarming coming from the child,” Kaoru said. “It doesn't have the same darkness as the cursed hanyou, Naraku. I can't say that it is evil.”

Kagome had flinched at the mention of their enemy's name, now she looked at Sesshoumaru as the youkai let out a sigh.

The lord was annoyed. Of course it had to be complicated! Nothing that concerned his brother never seemed to not be.

The young woman looked at her friends brother, then at the healer and then she turned her eyes, reluctantly, to look at her friend. She kept her gaze away from the stain on the bed, shuddering internally as what she'd seen just moments before flashed through her minds eye. She focused and was reassured.

“I can't see any darkness from him, never have,” she joined the conversation.

“Neither me nor Kaede have never seen a dark aura around him, apart from the poison, after... after... his attack.” She looked hesitant as Sesshoumaru leveled his eyes at her. Honest and pained for Inuyasha. He smelled quilt hanging heavily on her. He saw her hands shake as she wrapped them tightly around herself. She was proving to be more hardy than he'd expected.

“So the child isn't evil on it's own but can still end up killing him?” Sesshoumaru stated, looking at Kaoru for confirmation.

The old healer nodded.

“He has youkai blood so his body can conceive and carry a child, but with his injuries...” the healer closed her compassionate eyes for a second. “...it threatens his life. The poison is the worst of it, if it were gone I think he'd stand a chance at living through the birth...”

Sesshoumaru looked at her and sighed. There was another, new concern for him to consider now. Something more alarming. For what would it do to his brother to be alive in body but lost in mind?

“But what of his mind?” the lord of the West asked somewhat testily, unable to completely hide behind his impeccable mask. Even in front of the human miko. “He thinks that I am his lover.”

The miko gasped while the healer glanced back at the bed. The early morning light was starting to seep in through the still open windows. The world outside was waking, a stark contrast of life and hope as to what had happened in the very room they were in.

“That is a thing I cannot help you with, my lord. Unfortunately.” Kaoru said quite sadly. “Poor pup, that he has to suffer so greatly.” Her compassionate blue eyes lingered on Inuyasha's sleeping form, joined by Sesshoumaru's golden orbs and Kagome's tear-filled brown one's.

They were all silent for a moment, thinking.

“Is there anything that could be done to help him fight off the poison so he'd not?...” Kagome finally asked with a choked voice. The end of her words were swallowed by a sob. Her mind was reeling by the suffering of her friend. She kept her eyes on him, and him alone. Didn't glance at the mess of Sesshoumaru's clothes, or the disaster of her friends bed. But there was not much of Inuyasha to look at as would give the false image of health. He was bandaged, his visible skin still littered with a web of many scars. And his eyes... Those she'd never see again.

“I've been at the limit of what I'm able to do for him already,” Kaoru replied. “I'm sorry, my lord.” She bowed her hear to Sesshoumaru.

He merely looked at his brother. The bed was still a mess, the boy would need to be moved from it and laid to sleep somewhere else. There had been so much blood. And it stank. Inuyasha's cries still echoed in his head, overpowered by his delirious words to a lover who wasn't there. Sesshoumaru shuddered despite himself.

“Can you keep him alive if he does not hurt himself like he did tonight?” Sesshoumaru inquired.

“I will try. But if he grows much weaker than this...”

The girl sobbed.

* * *

With the aid of servants Sesshoumaru arranged for his brother to be moved to a new room while his old one was being cleaned. Inuyasha was carefully carried across the hall and into a room adjoining Sesshoumaru's. The elder brother also supplied the younger with a clean set of clothes. The miko insisted on helping him to gently wipe away the blood still clinging to Inuyasha's skin where he wasn't all bandaged up. She wept throughout, her tears wetting his skin, making dark patches on the pristine white bedding.

“This isn't fair,” she whispered as they finally lay Inuyasha down on the soft pillows. A pail of pink water was next to the bed, soaked rags floating on the surface. She looked at her friend, noticing the dried blood matting sections of his long hair and choked back a sob.

“It isn't. Never is. But he wants to have it. He can't be told, miko. None of it.”

She turned to look at the youkai, her brown eyes meeting his gold as a long pale finger lingered on Inuyasha's cheek in a rare show of affection.

“I know, I wouldn't. He is too fragile...”

Her hand squeezed Inuyasha's hand carefully, her eyes misting again as she saw how frail and beaten he looked. Knowing her friend had been responsible for his newest wounds himself didn't make Kagome feel any better. Instead she kicked herself for not having been there for him. Listening to his pain. She might have not been able to help that much, but she would have tried any way. Her kindness had been her undoing, she'd let Inuyasha drive her away so many times, being respectful of his feelings. In trying to be kind and understanding, she'd deprived him of the support he would have needed from her.

“Miroku should be here for him,” she was adamant.

Sesshoumaru scoffed. “The monk would hardly do him any good!” His ire had risen again, despite what he'd thought about the monk earlier. His eyes looked down at his brother, he was kneeling by the bed, facing Kagome on the other side. The lord of the West frowned as his golden eyes lay on his brother's disheveled, messed-up hair. Flecks of crimson tainting the shine of pale silver. But such trivial concerns as the state of Inuyasha's hair were far from both his and the girl's minds.

“And thinking that you are Miroku will?” The miko countered him, emboldened by her concern for Inuyasha's well fare. Bold enough to stand up even to Sesshoumaru. “I wish he'll not be that confused when he wakes up. It's wrong!”

“Yes. I know.”

Both looked at Inuyasha. Sleeping soundly on the newly arranged bed he seemed to be at peace. Morning was seeping in through the open windows, rays of light slithering over the blanket that covered his battered body. It seemed that life was something only reserved to the world outside. For inside the room resided uncertainty and almost crippling doom.

Inuyasha had rarely looked this frail.

Kagome voiced the unavoidable. “Do you think he should have it if it's killing him?”

“I do not know,” the healer replied softly from where she'd stood silently at the end of the bed. She'd overlooked Inuyasha's moving, but had let his brother and friend care for him. She'd observed them cleaning his body without comment, what there was of it not covered in bandages. “But the question is futile in and on itself because if he were to give birth now, it would kill him. He hasn't the energy to bear through the birth, it would sap the last of his strength. He is doomed either way. What the young lord needs is a miracle I can't provide for him.”

“How long will he still have to hold on?” Sesshoumaru asked. He of course knew that his brother would surely carry his child as long as a human female, things would have proceeded much more quickly already if he'd have carried it as a youkai or hanyou normally would. His brother desperately needed to regain more strength.

“Over four moons, but I can't promise that he will even manage that.” The old healers voice was world weary. This was like nothing she'd ever seen before. The poison, the slow healing of the terrible wounds her patient had suffered, the pregnancy all combining together to threaten the young hanyou's life. ”Even then I can't say that he'll survive the birth. He needs strength, health. But with the poison... I doubt he'll be able to carry the child to term with his health as frail as it is. Him surviving the birth would be a much needed miracle, his body is too worn.”

With that the conversation was at an end on a grim note, leaving all of them unable to say anything more. Unwilling to voice their worry, to entice what ill fortune hung over Inuyasha by words of concern.

* * *
His brother stirred awake soon after they were done moving and tending to him. He did so despite Kaoru's sleep draught, a small miracle on itself, as the healer was known for the potency of her healing concoctions. Yet Sesshoumaru found a comfort in his brother's wakefulness, if not in his lack of lucidity. Awake, even while disturbed in mind, the hanyou was more tangibly alive to Sesshoumaru than when forcibly asleep.

“Miroku...”

The youkai lord flinched inwardly as his brother's delusion was given an audible affirmation. He'd had an increment of hope that the storm clouds scattered over his brother's sanity would have dispersed. It had been a fools hope. But in regards to his brother, foolishness seemed to be the norm. Sesshoumaru could admit, even if only to himself, that he had treated Inuyasha in a distinctly varied way. He always seemed to let his emotions get the best of him when it was about the boy. He had long been a fool in convincing himself that he hated his only brother, and once he'd realized that he didn't, he hadn't been able to properly protect him. Not before, nor later. Sesshoumaru had realized the folly he'd done in leaving the monk behind as Inuyasha lay dying in his arms. He shouldn't have listened to his brother's insistence even if it had been the right thing to do, too.

It had been a grievous error to separate his brother from his lover.

He should have sent for the monk, before things had come to this. Had not the miko, irritable as she was, been berating him about it daily? Every time Inuyasha was out of earshot, she'd began to box his ears. She'd said that he was a fool. That Inuyasha needed Miroku. That what love she, or him, lord Sesshoumaru had for Inuyasha... it wouldn't be enough to safe him. The miko need not tell him that his brother was damaged, maybe beyond repair. It was evident.

It had all boiled down to that idiotic monk! Damn him! Damn his name. His brother would never utter his in quite the same way, not yet anyway. There was trust between his brother and the human which was not quickly built. Even while it had splintered, nigh shattered, by the monk's rejection. Still, Sesshoumaru grit his teeth and went through the motions. Calming his brother back into much needed sleep was essential now, his priority, not holding onto his dislike with everything related to the monk.

“Yes, I'm here, Inuyasha,” he said to Inuyasha gently, trying to keep the edge off of his tone. “Rest.”

He squeezed his brother's hand gently. He was amazed how strongly Inuyasha's mind could continue to deceive him. That he'd mistake a clawed youkai hand for human.

“You came...” Inuyasha's voice was still raspy from his screaming, still wet around the edges from the blood they'd wiped from his lips. Hopeful, pleased, content. It was terrible to hear.

“Yes, I did.”

Sesshoumaru hated himself.

“Here when I wake up?”

Sesshoumaru almost wavered there and then. He heard the terror, the fear in his brother's voice. Could almost taste his desperation. Was this Inuyasha asking if it was all a lie? Was he even conscious of what he said? Even bordering on sane? Yet, as he'd not used the monk's name, Sesshoumaru only had one way in which could act. Only one answer. 'Assure him.'

“Yes, sleep.”

There, that wasn't a lie. He'd not admitted, that he was the monk, he'd just said that he would be there when his brother woke up. Not a lie. As he would be there, if it was in his power to be. There was no wrong in encouraging his brother to sleep.

And Inuaysha did. He didn't go out like a light but drifted into slumber. His breathing calmed by increments and finally his hand was slack in Sesshoumaru's grip.

The lord wondered about how many times he'd have to repeat what he'd just done. Play the role of his half-brother's absent lover and placate Inuyasha's madness. He wasn't sure how long he could keep it up.

The monk had to be found. There was nothing to it now. Inuyasha needed him and wanted him to be there, even if it had taken madness for him to admit it. Should Inuyasha die of his affliction, his lover, how much he may have wronged Inuyasha, had also a right to be by his side. Even if it was just for a farewell.

As the lord watched his brother sleep, his brother's growing belly evident under the covers, his mind drifted to his ward.

Rin.

He needed to spend more time with her. While his brother was top priority, she was no less important to him. He missed her laughter. Sesshoumaru had let the miko keep his adopted daughter company in days he'd not had the time, when Inuyasha would not see his friend.

Sesshoumaru knew Rin needed the connection to the human world the miko provided. And the miko was herself as much a child as Rin was, despite her body's age. Besides, Rin liked her.

Yes, he'd see Rin today, listen to all her silly mortal girl worries. He'd humor her and let her braid his hair, she loved doing that. And Sesshoumaru was more than happy to oblige. Anything to forget last night. If he ever could.

The miko would stay with Inuaysha while he was with Rin. He thought that the girl needed his brother now as much as he himself needed to be with Rin. He'd be back before his brother awoke, the promise he had made about being there, was something he intended to keep.

* * *

Sesshoumaru held Inuyasha's hand until he could tell his brother was in deep sleep. He watched the hanyou's face, his expression wasn't pained, as much as he could tell with the eyes covered under bandages. The muscle's of Inuyasha's face were relaxed and his breathing was even and calm. If one had simply observed his younger brother from the outside, everything would have seemed all right, well as right as could be with the amount of bandages he was covered with. Yet things were horribly, terribly wrong inside.

Something had to be done. It couldn't go on the way it was.

It was wrong to let his brother cling to his delusions. But would the darkness inside his brother's mind consume him if he knew the truth? Inuyasha's mind was too brittle when he was apart from his lover, but the deception simply couldn't go on. It had to end. Yet it was a delicate business, one wrong could easily plummet his brother into madness from which there would be no coming back from.

For once, the Lord of the West was at a loss as to what to do. And he resented feeling that way. Yet he had let his brother cling to his delusions. To have his comfort from them. Anything to keep his brother calm. It had been the only decision he could have done to calm his brother after he'd found him clawing his own flesh in the aftermath of a nightmare. Sesshoumaru needed time to think, to rest. Last night had been hard on him, even if he was Lord of the West.

Now that Inuaysha slept again, he had the time to think. Think about the mess his brother's mind had become. How he seemed to slip away from sanity and strength both. Sinking deep within himself, succumbing to Naraku's evil.

Sesshoumaru observed his brother, who bore what would be the newest addition to their bloodline. He wished that the circumstances were different. The innocent life his brother had so strove to keep... was killing him while he sank into twisted daydreams. He found himself briefly thinking how much better it would be if the child had been anyone's but Naraku's, even having the monk as a father would have been better than this. His brother's life hung on a thread that threatened to snap at any given moment, his mind was sinking where there might be no coming back from. Yet it would be inexcusable to let the deception continue. His brother didn't deserve to be so... Misguided.

But it was a delicate business. Sesshoumaru of all people knew how brittle his brother could be, he was brash and self-confident to a fault but in matters of trust... he was slow to trust completely. And was fragile. Understandably his ordeal has shattered something, which the monk's absence had made crumble altogether. So when his mind filled with nightmares, Inuyasha had sought for safety in imaginings. It could be kinder to let him believe a lie, even if it would be wrong. There was no telling what damage the continuation of the lies would do. Inuaysha might never escape from his fantasies. Sesshoumaru knew he owed his brother the truth.

Once Inuyasha was better, he'd put a stop to the lies. For good or ill.