Innocent Beginnings

Chapter 14: Knowledge Is Power

I couldn’t speak. I didn’t even know what to say! How long had he been standing there behind me? God help me, but I thought him even more incredibly handsome than the last time I’d seen him - his golden eyes as bright as a summer day. My heart stopped as I simply sat there and gazed at him.

“Rin?”, he spoke again… that sweet husky voice that I adored, that voice that filled me with such longing on the nights when he just wouldn’t get out of my heart! I shook my head then, realizing where I was headed with my thoughts and started to get to my feet. I was embarrassed that there might be even the slightest chance he’d heard a single foolish word that had come from my mouth as I’d poured my heart out to my mother and I wanted to run away, far away from him.

“No!”, I mumbled, choking over the tears that clogged my throat. “NO!”

Scrambling to my feet, I started to move past him, had actually made a wide berth around him and then not being clear of mind and therefore not as careful as I should’ve been, clumsily stumbled over a rock. He caught me about the waist, pulling me back against him as I struggled in vain to get free.

“Stop that, Rin! Stop it!”, he said lowly, his voice harsh yet barely above a whisper as it warmed my ear. I felt his arm tighten around my waist and defeated, sank back against him. I’d been under too much stress in the past couple of weeks, my heart was too raw and I had no defenses against him whatsoever. I should’ve known better than to think I’d have been able to push him away. On the telephone was one thing; in person was an entirely different matter.

“I TOLD you not to come.”, I hissed, moving my hands to his to try and pry them loose.

“No, you didn’t.”, he said softly. “You said not to ask your Auntie about taking you out somewhere. You told me - and don’t stand here and lie to me about this, Rin - you specifically told me it would be ok to come around tonight when I asked. Now didn’t you? Answer me!”, he commanded, turning me a bit roughly toward him as his hands tightened round my waist.

“I said ‘do what you will’! I most certainly did not TELL you to come around, Sesshomaru!”, I said, my face heating as anger surged through me. “Those were YOUR words!”

“I AM doing what I will, Miss!”, he said through gritted teeth as he took firm hold of my shoulders and shook me. “That is, if you’ll allow me to!”

“I don’t NEED you, Sesshomaru. Not now and not ever!”, I said, the tears overflowing and running down my cheeks. I hated him for pushing me to cry in front of him. I’d promised myself that I would never allow him get close enough to me again to hurt me. I had sworn I’d locked him out and thrown away the key and I was trying with everything inside me to push him away, even though I was tortured and torn apart at the thought.

“Tell me, has it ever occurred to you, Rin, that I’m the one that needs YOU!? Has it? Or are you just too fucking busy feeling sorry for yourself that you can’t see past your own little pity party?”, he snarled, his eyes glowing brilliantly down into mine.

“You don’t need-. Let me GO!”, I said and stomped firmly down atop his foot.

“Damn it, Rin!”, he growled, lunging for me as I slid out of his grasp.

“And don’t swear in this place, Sesshomaru! You should know better than that!”, I threw back over my shoulder as I ran from him.

Rain had started to fall in the form of a soft yet drenching mist as Sesshomaru and I had argued and it continued to fall as I ran. I wasn’t sure where I was going - I just knew I needed to get as far away from him as I possibly could. I couldn’t think straight when he was near. It seemed he took up all the air around me - just as he always had.

“Get back here, Rin! Don’t make me have to run you down!”, he shouted.

I chanced a look over my shoulder and in doing so, ran smack into a low running hedgerow, flipping neatly over it and landing hard on my back into a pile of wet leaves.

“I’ll be a sonofabitch…”, I heard him muttering, his shoes crunching through the underbrush as he charged thru the bushes I’d fallen over. “RIN!”

I looked up at him, caught the breath that had been knocked from me and starting sobbing. Kneeling down quickly, he scooped me into his arms, holding me as I clung to him for dear life and cried my eyes out.

“Shhhh… Rin… shhhhhhhhh…”, he soothed as he rocked me back and forth in his arms. “No need to cry. I’m here now and I’m not leaving!”, he said firmly, his fingers working to rid my hair of the leaves that had become tangled there.

I continued to cry… It was as if a bottomless well of tears and misery had been opened up and had no plans of being corked anytime soon. Clutching at the lapels of his denim jacket, I buried my head in his shoulder, helpless as a baby.

“Rin, you need to let me check to make sure you’re OK. You took quite a tumble over here.”, he said, easing back on his knees as he carefully sat me on my bottom. Brushing the dirt and leaves from the legs of my jeans, he clucked his tongue and shook his head.

“What were you thinking, running from me like that?” he asked, taking a moment to look up at me through those impossibly long lashes of his.

I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t end up sounding pitifully selfish and horribly immature. Sniffing back more tears, I wiped a hand over my eyes and through my hair, feeling something wet along my hairline. Bringing my hand down so that I could see, I noticed that it had a little blood on it.

“God, Rin!!”, Sesshomaru mumbled, pulling my hand toward him and then looking up at my face. “Where did THIS come from?”

“My head…”, I murmured wincing as he brushed my hair back to take a better look. “It’s not that bad, hold on.”, he said, moving his hand into the back pocket of his jeans to pull out a bright blue handkerchief decorated with brilliant pink hearts.

“A weird gift from Imari…”, he shrugged before dabbing at the cut. “It’s not so bad, really.”

I sat there as he looked me over from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. His eyes were angry when at last he looked back into my face and I cringed a bit. I’d never remembered him being so pissed at me before - frustrated, yes… angry, never.

“You could’ve hurt yourself badly. What you did was silly and uncalled for and YOU should be ashamed of yourself!”, he admonished, even as his hands were busy pushing my feet up toward my bottom, making me bend my knees, checking to make sure everything was still in proper working order. “Are you ok?”, he asked a bit more gently.

I nodded, sniffed, took a deep shuddering breath and let it out before looking back into his eyes once more. I didn’t have any fire left in me to snap back at him with. I only wanted to be held and reassured. I wanted to know he wasn’t going to leave me stranded and I hated myself for feeling so desperate.

“You want to tell me what’s wrong?”, he asked, sitting down beside me and taking my hand in his. The trees we were sat under formed a canopy, allowing a shelter of sorts from the light mist that still rained down all around us.

“I missed you.”, I said simply. We’d always been honest in the past. What was the point in lying now? If he was going to abandon me, move on with his life, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Nothing at all. I closed my eyes, feeling fresh tears squeeze past the lids. It hurt so badly to think of letting him go!

“Damn it, Rin…”, he sighed, squeezing my hand gently before loosing it from his grip and draping an arm around my shoulders. “Look at me.”, he insisted.

I opened my eyes and looked into his. We were less than a breath apart from each other and I wanted more than my own life to have him kiss me, kiss me as he would a woman, not a little girl.

He touched my face, his fingers sliding down my cheek and underneath my chin. I shivered beneath this simple touch, closing my eyes and holding my breath.

“I missed you, too.”, he whispered, pulling me to him and hugging me hard. “God, I missed you.”

“Then why didn’t you CALL? Why didn’t you write??”, I cried brokenly against him, my face pressed firmly to his chest. “You promised, Sesshomaru!”

“Rin. I told you I’d never let our friendship go! It means too much to me”, he said, pulling me even closer. My heart was thundering in my chest, making it very hard for me to catch my breath. He was nearly crushing me to him as he spoke and all I could wish for was more and more…

“You don’t believe me - which means you don’t trust me. What did I do to hurt you so?”, he asked, pulling back to look down into my eyes.

“I… nothing, Sesshomaru. It’s nothing. I’ve been selfish in more ways than one and I’m sorry. It… it’s… it’s nothing.”, I said.

“I know that I haven’t called the last few weeks, Rin. I’ve been quite busy. So much was going on and I lost track of time. But I had you on my mind and I brought you something.”, he said, a little smile lifting the corner of his mouth.

“Don’t…”, I whispered, putting my hand to his chest. “Please, don’t.” I didn’t want his excuses or his little bag of presents. I wasn’t going to allow him to know that I KNEW he’d been up to more than work these past weeks and that I had the picture and article to prove it hidden away in my desk at home. I still had some sense of pride left…

His face fell, the smile quickly disappearing. “I don’t understand. What are you saying, Rin?”, he asked.

“That I won’t be an obligation, Sesshomaru. I meant it the first time I said it and it hasn’t changed. No matter how much I seem to need you or want you around, no matter how much you mean to me - I will not be made to feel like I’m a ‘have-to’ ”, I said.

“A ‘have-to’? What in the hell are you talking about? You think I don’t WANT to see you? Is that it? You couldn’t be further from the truth, Rin!”, he frowned, his eyes darkening a deeper shade of amber.

“I won’t have you buying me gifts because you feel guilty, Sesshomaru. I’m NOT your kid sister either!”, I blurted before thinking better of it. His eyes widened and his cheeks flushed a dark red as he sat back from me.

“Guilty? Dear God!”, he fumed, his hands clenching into fists at his side. “I’ll be DAMNED if I’m going to sit here and listen to you talk nonsense! I’ve given you a huge part of myself, Rin and if you want to throw it back in my face, then how can I fight you?”, he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air.

As I sat there, not sure what to do or say, feeling as if my entire world was collapsing all around me, he got to his feet and glared down at me. Raking a hand through his hair, he started to pace back and forth in front of me, his shoes making tracks in the moist soil and wet leaves.

“You have no CLUE! How could you say- ? DAMN it, RIN!”, he stormed as his eyes flashed fire at me. “Get UP!”, he shouted, reaching down to grab my hands and pull me to my feet. Standing against him, I waited, unsure if I should stay or go. He was breathing hard and fast, his skin flushed, his hands gripping mine painfully.

“I’m sorry?”, I whispered, making it a question to him. I wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted to hear from me or not.

“You don’t know what you’ve been saying to me. You don’t know, Rin.”, he said softly, his tongue darting out to lick over his lower lip as his eyes melted into mine. “I… shit!”, he muttered, dropping his hands from mine and stepping away from me.

“Sesshomaru?”, I ventured, moving forward to reach for his hand once again. “I’ve missed you and I’m sorry. Please, don’t be angry with me.”, I pleaded. “I need you but you have to listen to me…”, I said.

“I always listen to you, Rin. When have I not?”, he asked.

“Ok, well… if you need to cut these ties between us, please do it now. I can’t take much more. not not trying to put anything on you, I just need you, the REAL you. I don’t want to be an afterthought nor do I want to be your entire life, but I need to know I’m special. I need to know what you share with me isn’t sympathy or something like it.”, I said.

“It never was nor will it ever be that, Rin. You ARE special to me. There’s nobody else I buy little things for like I do you. You know InuYasha has already started taking the mickey out of me now because every little shop we pass, every little trinket I see, he says ‘it’s going in the bag for Rin, right’? I love choosing things for you. I love the look on your face when you open up the packages I bring to see what’s inside. I think you can tell by looking that they’re not just some little cheap, no thought souvenir. It’s something I saw, something I knew would make you smile. I’ve never ONCE done things for you because I felt guilty. I’ve done them because you ARE so special to me. Don’t ever doubt me again, Rin. You’re one of my very best friends.”, he said, bringing my hand to his lips as he pressed them there.

I closed my eyes against the intensity of emotion that threatened to spill from me. I couldn’t make him love me any more than he already did. And yes, I knew he loved me in his own sweet way. I also knew that if I was patient, if I learned to allow his love tow sow slowly, then one day he WOULD be mine - right this moment, I had no doubts about that at all! I’d seen the look in his eyes and it had more than assured me I hadn’t been mistaken when I’d noticed that very same look when he’d gazed so at me on Christmas night.

He was mine, he just didn’t know it yet.