The Pain In My Heart

Title : The Pain In My Heart
Author : Saraste
Fandom : Inuyasha
Pairing : Miroku/Inuyasha
Rating : PG-13
Warnings : disfiguration, mpreg, angst
Summary : Inuyasha is unlucky enough to accidentally cross paths with Naraku while alone, Naraku beats him near to death and rapes him. Will Miroku be able to pick up the pieces of Inuyasha's shattered heart and make him whole?
A/N : I can't believe how long I've been writing this one! I checked and I actually got the last chapter out in September of last year or something... Shame on me. But here we are. Return of the DARK angst! Sesshy might seem a bit ooc but I love him as a concerned familycentered aniki. Deal with it.

To my readers: I wish to apologize for this having taken so long. I had some RL issues to battle with in between, money, studying and my health being the most prevalent ones. It all led me to a bad place writing-wise. So here's to you all, finally.

~S

* * * *

Chapter Thirteen

Despite the grim odds, Inuyasha survived, as did the frail life inside of him.

Kaede confined Inuyasha inside four walls. But it was an almost unnecessary dictation since the hanyou was too weak to move any way.

He was in constant pain for several weeks as the poison in his blood had decided to spike it's attack now that his health was so poor. The poison once again ripped through the old scars of his eyes, making him suffer greatly. Miroku stood by his side and held his hand as the hanyou cried weakly hour after hour as the poison burned already torn flesh.

The stench was sickening.

He was also ailing of a cough that shook his frail body during every long fit. With the worst bouts of coughing every single breath he drew was pain and he coughed up blood mingled with the blackness of the poison.

Kaede was working her hardest to keep him from again developing the high fever that had only weeks ago so nearly claimed his life. If it returned, as it seemed it was about to do, he'd be finished. Inuyasha was too frail, his body too worn with the poison still coursing through his blood to recover a second time.

He fought bravely for the life of his child. Between awake and slumber he repeated Miroku's name constantly, along with 'please'. None could say which was stronger, his will to live or his will to keep his child.

And after weeks of insecurity and hovering between life and death he was starting to regain his health back in slow steps.

Almost four months had passed since the day of Naraku's attack.

* * * *

Miroku felt a sense of foreboding settle into his heart.

For him, Buddha help him, it seemed that Inuyasha was too centred on the frail life growing inside of him. Far too centred.

And Miroku's heart was wrecked by envy that the child wasn't his. For Inuyasha to carry the child of their worst enemy... It was too much for him to bear. And to know Naraku had taken something precious from both of them. He'd shaken the hanyou to the core, tainting whatever intimacy the pair might have. To know the bastard had touched Inuyasha, even in violence was something Miroku rather not dwell over.

Too much.

But Inuyasha was in too fragile a state to suffer Miroku's absence so he remained by his beloved hanyou's side, the ever loving presence, all the while disgusted with himself for the conflict raging in his heart.

Miroku never left Inuyasha's bedside.

He stayed there through the fever, the crying and the agony over an ever present chance of loss. Through the nightmares which still haunted his beloveds dreams.

And how Miroku hated himself for the thoughts that came unbidden in the night. During Inuyasha's fitful hours of rest, when Miroku held him, his lifeline, the monk found himself disgusted with his thoughts.

For he didn't love the child Inuyasha so desperately fought to keep. Miroku wished for it to be gone so it wouldn't tax Inuyasha's health anymore. It would be the death of Inuyasha.

And who of them knew that the babe wasn't the real reason he was ill? He imagined it spreading the poison through Inuyasha's system, slowly killing it's... what was initially it's 'mother'.

In his head Miroku knew the idea was ludicrous and thoroughly unfounded.

But still...

He only understood the folly of his thoughts, the horrible way his mind had been poisoned by the Evil of Naraku when Inuyasha and the child were finally out of harms way.

Weary but glad that he was finally recuperating and not delirious half the time any more, Inuyasha raised a weak hand to touch his cheek. The words asking for a kiss only in need of being uttered from his chapped lips.

And Miroku flinched away.

Flinched away because Inuyasha was carrying Naraku's child.

The look of utter hurt which spread to Inuyasha's face ripped Miroku's heart open. Tears streamed down under the bandages over damaged eyes. Inuyasha shook his head weakly, gasping, his heart breaking.

“I...” Miroku stammered. Only now did he understand full extend of his madness. The way Naraku's rape on Inuyasha had broken him too. And made him break the hanyou even more with his jealous loathing of the baby.

Inuyasha turned his head away. “You think I'm dirty still, don't you?” he asked, his voice heavy with still unshed tears. “You hate my baby...”

“Inuyasha... I...” Miroku was at a loss for words. Nothing could make right what he'd just done. His rejection, how unconscious it had been and how subtle, had been like an open handed blow to Inuyasha. The hanyou wished the man had hit him, it would have hurt less.

“Get out!” Inuyasha finally yelled, fighting back his tears, his voice full of sadness, anger and dejection. He fell to his covers, coughing. Sobs shaking his still frail recuperating body.

Miroku simply complied. He felt like he wanted to die. The look on Inuyasha's face haunted him even when he closed his eyes. The way his whole face, even without his expressive eyes anymore, had conveyed so much hurt and sorrow. And his voice chilling with raw hurt.

How could he have been so stupid?

He'd hurt Inuyasha, something he'd silently vowed never to do. Riddled with self accusation, he fled to the woods, dropping to his knees and emptying his stomach into the forest floor when. He felt disgusted with himself.

And then he wept. Wept for the cruelty bestowed upon his beloved hanyou. Wept for his own mad stupidity. Wept for the loss of the trust there had been between him and Inuyasha.

Wept for the child who was the product of such impossible cruelty.

* * * *

Inuyasha was laying awake, hearing the storm rattle against the roof ahead and smite the country with its fury.

They were all gathered inside the small hut: the girls, him, Sesshoumaru and Miroku

Sesshoumaru was looking at his brother, laying awake in the monk's arms, listening to the rain outside. Something in his half brothers posture troubled the taiyoukai greatly. Sesshoumaru shifted to let his brother know he was not asleep, either.

Inuyasha, despite his lack of sight, turned towards his brother, his eyes still seeping discharge through the bandages, creating two round patches on the pale linen in a mockery of being his actual eyes.

Miroku murmured in his sleep and his hand slipped further down Inuyasha's waist, as if shying away from his growing belly.

Even after all that had happened between them, the rift between the lovers, they still sought out each other in sleep. They'd start out laying away from each other but would seek the other out when their conscious mind slept. Their hearts were too interwoven to be separated. They needed to heal and learn to trust each other again. To find their love before being alone consumed them.

In dreams they loved and trusted as always. But the rift was there by day. It had been days, and none of them knew how to fix things.

Sesshoumaru looked at his brother, who now when he was awake shied and seemed to seek out Miroku's touch at the same time. He felt sorry for his brother. His scent was a mix. Fear and pain. Self-loathing. Love and hate. And a terrible sadness enveloping his whole being. The taiyoukai sighed deeply.

“He does not love your baby, otoutou...” Sesshoumaru finally voiced out in a low whisper.

Inuyasha shifted uncomfortably, his hand curling protectively around his swollen midsection. He was still weak and emaciated after his long illness so his belly was even more pronounced that it would have been at this point of his pregnancy. Within, he carried the child he had gone through so much pain to keep.

Naraku's child.

A child Inuyasha too, like his brother, knew Miroku did really wish him to have. Not even while the hanyou desired the child, the proof of his rape. Not even then.

“He doesn't understand...” Inuyasha said in a hushed, broken voice. He was hugging his pregnant belly with two hands now, tears streaming down his cheeks. “He doesn't understand...”

Inuyasha shifted so that Miroku's hand fell away from around him, the monk rolled over on his back.

Inuyasha rocked himself, wincing as an old twinge of pain, not forgotten, turned the small smile for his child into a grimace.

Sesshoumaru crossed the room and knelt by him within an instant. “Where does it hurt, the child?” he asked, laying a hand to Inuyasha's shoulder.

Inuyasha shook his head, breathing out in short gasps to let the pain subside. “It's just the scar in my gut...” he breathed out shallowly. He listened to Miroku's steady breathing for a while, making sure the monk was still asleep. “He...”

Sesshoumaru had rarely heard his brother sound so much in pain before.

“I need to leave him...” Inuyasha said with a distinct tremor to his voice. “He'll never understand... I need... I can't be with him now...”

“I know otoutou, I know” Sesshoumaru embraced his brother and let him cry against his chest, sobbing out his anguish and staining his brothers pristine silk kimono. As he did, Sesshoumaru felt a strong, healthy kick against his ribs.

The brothers drew apart, Inuyasha still crying but with a small awed smile gracing his features.
“Did you feel it too?” he asked his brother with a surprised whisper.

“I did...” Sesshoumaru smiled, warmth in his voice. He stretched a hand to touch his brothers belly, splaying his claws carefully over the cloth covered bump. His brother was dressed in a somewhat silly cherry print dress the miko had brought with her a week ago when she had gone to visit her family. Sesshoumaru had wondered about it, but looking at the girls own clothes his brothers current garb was acceptable.

The brothers waited in the sudden stillness of the night, nature itself seemed to have calmed for the occasion, only the small patter of raindrops on the roof could be heard. Finally Sesshoumaru felt another kick against his palm. A rare, barely there smile flitted briefly over his features.

“The little one is strong...” he murmured.

“The storm has passed” Inuaysha merely answered. But Sesshoumaru could clearly hear the love he had for his child in his voice. And his words had a deeper meaning. The hanyou would not let the dark consume him any more, giving light and new life a chance even after all he'd gone through.

“So it has” his brother replied, feeling sorry for his brother for the decision he'd had to make. He knew it must hurt his brother terribly, even more than his suffering in Naraku's hands had torn his mind apart.

Family came first, love second. And love, for them, their family seemed to always be doomed one way or other.