Innocent Beginnings

Chapter 13: Running Out On My Heart

I kep kept busy the next day picking out wallpaper patterns and paints for my room with Aunt Reika. I'd almost decided on a cornflower blue with creamy yellow contrasts when she found a beautiful bright splashy orange and fuchsia duvet that had us both smiling at each other. Eagerly I went to work finding the exact shade of paint I wanted while Aunt Reika checked out funky pictures in cool frames as well as tons of throw pillows in coordinating stripes and florals.

By the time we left the store, we were both starving and ready to take a load off our tired feet. Sipping tea and eating cakes, we buzzed happily about our plans to redecorate my bedroom. I found I couldn't remember when I'd felt this 'normal' and couldn't wait to get started the following day giving my room its own unique makeover.

"I want you to make it every bit your own, Rin!", Auntie said as she bit into a sweet cake.

"I think you might just take that back once I get started!", I laughed.

"Not a chance!", she smiled, taking a sip of tea. "By the way, your uncle and I are going out to dinner tonight. I'm sure Kikyo will be there to keep you company after Sesshomaru leaves.", she said offhandedly.

I looked up at her, wondering if she wanted more information from me regarding Sesshomaru or if she was just making pleasant conversation. She smiled at me, taking another bite of cake.

"I think you two should go out to dinner more oftAuntAuntie. Do you have any idea where you'll be going out to?", I asked her, after only a brief hesitation.

She looked at me for a few seconds before answering and I breathed a silent sigh of relief, praying for the time being we wouldn't have to talk about Sesshomaru at all. I'd even hoped against hope that she'd forgotten his phone call and promis a v a visit from the day before. Apparently and all too clearly, I could see she hadn't.

"We're going to the new French bistro downtown that is the RAGE among all of my friends!", she giggled happily. It made me feel good to see her laughing and smiling. When I'd first come home, I'd been shocked at the change in her appearance. Always svelte and stylish, she was now downright skin and bones, her once beautifully glowing complexion, dull and gray. The clear gray eyes that had exactly mirrored my beautiful mother's own seemed lifeless as well. It hurt me deeply to see that she looked just as badly as I had before Sesshomaru had come into my life.

"Will there be dancing for you two tonight as well?", I asked, winking at her as I nibbled at the cake in front of me.

"I'm counting on it, Rin! Ichi has been looking forward to this evening for a long while! I'm a bit ashamed that I've held him back from going.", she murmured, lowering her eyes to her plate.

I slid my hand across the table and covered her own with it, smiling when she looked up at me through her tears.

"It's like you said, Auntie… we've got each other now, right? Uncle Ichi loves you very much and I'm sur'll'll make both of you very happy to spend time away at a fancy dress place!", I said softly. My heart ached for her just as badly as it ached for myself. I wanted to see her smile more often just as I'd seen her smile today. I wanted her to be happy again.

"That's true, Rin. Very true. Thank ", ", she said, giving my hand a brief squeeze before picking up her napkin off the table to daintily press beneath her eyes. I leaned back into my seat and picked up my cup of tea, finishing it off as I looked around the little café we'd stopped in to relax.

"I've had such a wonderful time with you today, Rin. Almost like old times…", she said softly.

"Me too, Auntie. It was nice. Thank you for everything.", I smiled.

"Ready to drag our treasures home, then?", she asked, flashing her pretty smile at me.

"You bet!", I said and we left, making our way toward the car and home.

Looking out my bedroom window, I watched as Aunt Reika and Uncle Ichi pulled out of the drive and sped off toward the upper section of town for dinner and dancing. I'd lain down for a short nap soon after we'd made our way home and unloaded our purchases into the spare room down the hall so as not to crowd my own. Kikyo had gotten home from her fr's 's house shortly before Uncchi chi had knocked softly at my door, peeking in to tell me he and Auntie were on their way. It seemed Kikyo and I were on our own for a bit but I had plans to be on my own way before too much longer.

I could hear the TV on downstairs that I knew Kikyo probably wasn't even watching. More likely than not, she was chattering away like a magpie on the telephone with one of her equally chatty girlfriends about some 'adorable bishie' she'd spotted at the market! I smiled, sliding my feet into my tennis, as I thought about her.

I grabbed a light jacket on my way out the door and popped my head around the corner of the living room entryway, waving at her so she'd know I was going out.

"Where're you off to, Rin?", she asked.

"The shrine.", I said and she nodded, her hand covering the mouthpiece of the telephone. Holding up a finger, indicating I should wait, she spoke quickly into the phone and laid it down on the arm of the chair she'd been sprawled in.

Her eyes were serious as she walked up to me and touched, I watched as she held out her arms and pulled me into her embrace. Hugging her back, I pressed a kiss to her cheek before letting her go.

"Take care.", she smiled, hugging me once again.

"I will. Thanks.", I said softly and pulled back from her, still holding to her hands. "I shouldn't be too long now. You'll be ok here until I get back?", I asked.

"Of course. Tell them I love them, Rin.", she said, meaning my parents.

"I will. See you in a bit!", I grinned and made my way out the door.

The evening had turned off cool with a hint of rain in the air but the shrine was only three blocks or so from my aunt's home and I wasn't really concerned with a bit of rain anyway.

I'd made the first painful but necessary visit to my parent's graveside two days after I'd come home. I'd went alone, as I'd insisted upon and it had been terrible. I'd cried until I was weak, then I'd lain down on the grassy patch at the bottom edge of the clearing and slept. Uncle Ichi had been the one to come after me. He'd been wonderful, waking me and then sitting down right there with me, holding my hand as he told me his fondest memories of both my mom and dad. I hadn't known what to say, but it seemed he'd not really required anything of me. We'd stayed a few minutes there together before turning back toward home and we'd not spoken of it since. Each time I'd gone back to them after that first time had been easier and now I'd made it a habit to go at least every other day so that I could sit there and talk to my mom about the hundreds of things that swam ceaselessly around in my head. Aunt Reika had been wonderful, just as she had been my entire life… but she wasn't my mom…

As I made my way toward the back of the shrine yard where the cemetery was located, the wind picked up a bit and I shrugged into my jacket. Jamming my hands down into the pockets of my jeans, I kept my head down and walked the by now familiar little trail that would lead me to my eventual destination.

I'd picked a bouquet of fresh daisies from Auntie's front lawn before walking to the church and I stooped down now to place them into the little stone vase attached the top of the marble headstone. Pressing two fingers to my lips, I then placed them on the top of the headstone, closing my eyes as I whispered a greeting to my mom and dad.

Easing to the ledge of the adjacent burial plot, I hopped atop it and leaned my back against the granite pillar that sat there, hands still stuck in the pockets of my jeans.

"Mom, I've got a problem.", I said, starting out just as I always had when she'd been stood right in front of me to listen to my worries. "I'm in love but he doesn't love me back- at least not in the same way." I sighed.

"I care for him so very much and I don't know what to do about it. He's older than me - he's 28. But that's no more than dad was when you and he started dating, right? I mean, I KNOW you were already 20 yourself by that time but is there really such a huge difference? Don't you think I'm mature enough to know if I'm really in love or not? I think I am, and it feels like the real thing. But how would I know, right?", I breathed, slipping my hands out of my pockets to rub across my eyes.

"He has no clue, mom. He's out to prove to the world that he's my big brother.", I sighed, turning so that I could dangle my feet over the ledge. "But on Christmas night when we were alone in the carriage, I swear he wanted to tell me he LOVED me! I could see it in his eyes because what was there, looked exactly like what I felt inside! He kissed me – no, not deep, passionate kisses. They were very proper, mind you. But he kissed me twice! He's so beautiful, Mum! So very beautiful! I don't know what I would've done without him while I was at Sacred Heart those last months! I don't know that I'd have survived. I sure didn't want to. He changed all that.", I whispered.

"I miss you so much, mom! I wish so badly that you could meet him, see for yourself what a really good guy he is. But why am I telling you all this when I've decided I'm not going to see him anymore, anyway! He wanted to come around tonight and God help me, mom… I'll bet he's at the house right now even as I speak! I'm so confused! I don't want him to think of me as just some other little girl with a crush! But I can't just MAKE him love me either, can I?"

"I want to tell him to go away and leave me alone forever. I want to tell him this because in my heart, I think that's what he's wanting to do anyway. I think maybe I've become a burden to him that he no longer wants to take care of. And if he feels that way, then I don't WANT him around. But I ache horribly inside because if I never see him again, I don't know that I can take it!"

I slid off the wall and sank to my knees on the ground, laying my hands atop the soft green grass that covered their graves.

"What do I do, mom?", I whispered. "Whatever in this world do I do?"

I lay my cheek against the grass, letting the tears flow from my eyes into the ground. God! How I missed them… How I needed my mom's loving touch and sweet smile. How I needed to hear her tell me that everything would be alright, given time…

And like a dream he was there…

"Rin?", Sesshomaru's voice spoke up from behind me and gasping, I half turned, wiping the tears from my face.