Innocent Beginnings

Chapter 12: Foolish Heart

I sat on the steps of the front porch of my home, the home I now shared with my Aunt Reika, Uncle Ichi, and my cousin Kikyo, feeling the warm sunshine as it pressed into my skin. Auntie had left my side to go in and answer the insistently ringing telephone, leaving me to myself for a bit. Neither my uncle nor my cousin were home. It was just Aunt Reika and I, spending the day the way we’d spent most of them since I’d left Sacred Heart - catching up on conversation or just sitting quietly and enjoying each other’s company.

I’d been home for a little over two weeks now and already we were discussing plans for my return to school. Since I’d been so close to finishing the term before the accident, Aunt Reika thought it best that I’d be able to finish up here at home and then return full time to school in the fall of the following year. That was more than alright with me, I had no desire to go back toward the end of the school term and try to catch up on things the other students were already far ahead of me on. Working on my own with a tutor and my Aunt and Uncle for help seemed the best solution for all and I was very eager to start once the particulars had been worked out.

“Rin? The call is for you.”, Aunt Reika smiled, coming out to hand the phone to me. Granting me privacy, she went back inside and I, curious as to who would be calling me, put the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Thank God! Rin! Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving Sacred Heart!?”, Sesshomaru’s voice blasted over the line.

“And hello to you as well, Sesshomaru.”, I said, my heart pounding in spite of the promises I’d made to myself not to allow him to affect me further. I really hadn’t expected him to call… ever.

“I’m sorry, Rin. Yes, Hello.”, he said, taking an audible deep breath before plunging in with his questions once again. “How long have you been home with your family?”, he asked.

“Two weeks or so.”, I answered, plucking at a stray thread hanging loose from the cuff of my shorts.

“And are you well?”, he asked.

“The doctors seemed to believe it so.”, I answered.

“That’s wonderful, just wonderful! I’m happy for you!”, he sang cheerfully as if we’d had constant contact since he’d been gone, as if things were just as we’d left them before he’d went away and decided he needed the comforts of some other girl to keep him satisfied! I swallowed hard, taking a deep breath.

“Thank you.”, I said softly.

“Rin, what’s wrong?”, he asked. I could hear the concern in his voice but I wasn’t going to let it get to me… not this time, not EVER!

“Nothing. I’m just a bit tired, I suppose. It’s been a busy day here.”, I said, biting my lip. I’d never lied to him before and I couldn’t stand the thought that I was doing it now. God knew he had to realize it… he’d always been able to read me like a book, ever since we’d first met.

“I see.”, he murmured.

The line was silent for half a minute, his breathing the only sound being made. I closed my eyes and listened to him. Dear God, how I needed him right that minute… needed the smile on his face, the twinkle in those amazing amber eyes, the sound of his hearty laughter, the touch of his hands.

No, no, no. I didn’t need him! Not now and not ever! I shook my head and took a deep breath myself.

“Rin? I’d like to come around and see you if it’s fine with your Auntie. What do you think?”, he asked.

“Do what you will, Sesshomaru. I know you’re very busy and I’m quite alright here, rest easy on that. I did want to thank you for your encouragement and help these past months, though. You really helped me to cross the lines I needed to cross.”, I said sincerely because it was true. Without him, I couldn’t… wouldn’t have done it and I knew that. For that, I’d be forever grateful and if possible, I could hold those thoughts separate from the ones that were battling inside me for equal time, the ones that wanted to tear him limb from limb!

“Oh Rin…”, he murmured.

“You take care, Sesshomaru. Send my regards to your father!”, I said brightly. How I was keeping up this charade, I hadn’t a clue because it was killing something vital inside me to turn him away.

“Rin, listen.”, he insisted. “If it’s all the same to your Auntie, I’d like to take you out somewhere. Do I need to speak to her first?”, he asked.

“That won’t be necessary, Sesshomaru. You don’t have to do that. I’ll see you here.”, I said, my heart twisting itself into a painful knot. How I WANTED to go somewhere to be alone with him! But why? He wouldn’t kiss me nor hold me as he’d done his ‘mystery brunette’. He didn’t feel about me in that way, not as a man to a woman. He was my self appointed protector, my big brother…

“If that’s how you wish it, Rin. I’ll be calling tomorrow morning, if you will. I can’t wait to see you.”, he said, sounding just a bit disappointed.

“Thank you for calling, Sesshomaru.”, I said, my fingernails digging into the palm of my hand to keep from embarrassing myself by begging of him to come this very moment!

“Rin, well… never mind. I look forward to tomorrow. I’ve missed you terribly.”, he said.

I couldn’t say goodbye, I just couldn’t. I removed the phone from my ear and clicked the button to end the call, taking deep breaths so that I could remain outwardly calm should Auntie walk outside to me anytime soon. I hoped more than life itself that she was at task on something to keep her inside for quite awhile as I needed every bit of space I could grasp to get myself under some kind of control.

Surprisingly, when she DID come out about twenty minutes later, she only smiled and handed me a cold glass of lemonade as she sank down onto the step beside me. I accepted the cold drink gratefully and took a sip as I looout out over the front lawn.

“He seems very nice, Rin.”, she said after a moment. “Sesshomaru, I mean.”

“He is that.”, I commented, taking another sip to steady my galloping heart that just the mention of his name could bring on.

“He said he’d like to come by sometime tomorrow to visit with you now that you’re home.”, she ventured.

“Yes, he said the same to me, Auntie.”, I said, not wanting to look into her eyes.

“Do you have any idea what time he might be coming? He wasn’t sure when he spoke with me, said he wanted to check it with you first.”, she said.

“No, I’m not too sure when or even IF he’ll be able to make it after all.”, I said, my gaze dropping to my feet. Why was I lying? How could I sit here and baldly lie to the woman that had taken me in as her very own? I hadn’t realized until she’d asked me about Sesshomaru that I’d already made the choice NOT to be home when he visited the next day. I simply didn’t want to be! I knew I couldn’t handle seeing him and keeping the promise I’d made to myself.

“Are you ok, Rin?”, Aunt Reika asked, her hand moving to brush my hair back from my face as she peered down at me.

“I’m fine. I do feel a bit like a walk, though. I think I’m going to go over to the park for awhile”, I said, my gaze indicating the beautiful public park just down the road from where we sat.

“I think that’s a very good idea, Rin. I’m going to finish up dinner plans and I have a few errands to run so I’ll see you back here in a bit?”, she asked.

“Sounds perfect. Have fun!”, I said and got to my feet.

“I’d really like to ask Sesshomaru to dinner one evening if he’s not too busy, Rin. You might run that by him tomorrow. I’m so thankful for all he did for you while you were away from us.”, she said.

I took a breath, stopping on the walk to collect myself before answering her.

“I’ll ask him.”, I said simply, keeping my back to her as I quickly made my way down the daisy lined sidewalk to escape for awhile.

Ever since I could remember, I’d loved coming to the little park just down from my Aunt and Uncle’s home. As a little girl, I’d adored the huge, curving, silver slides and the faster than fast merry-go-round. Swinging had always been mvorivorite activity, though and I could easily recall hundreds of wonderful memories of my father pushing me to fro fro as I squealed in delight. As I’d gotten older, I’d walked with my friends to the park to sit and talk about boys, parties, makeup and the like. But right now it just seemed like quite the logical choice to visit when all I needed was a moment of solitude to collect my thoughts.

I entered the park through the front gate and made my way to the swings, sinking down into one as my mind drifted away. More than anything I could think of, I wanted to see Sesshomaru the next day. My heart sped up as I remembered the familiar husky sound of his voice. THIS was the man that had taken the time to bring Christmas to me when I’d had no hope of ever celebrating the season again! THIS was the man that had visited me regularly every chance he got, bringing me precious and very personally chosen gifts when the notion struck him. THIS was the man that had taught me that my life was worth something and that I should never, ever give up. He’d made me laugh and cry, he’d shared jokes and chili dogs with me. He knew me as nobody else did…

Yet he had hurt me beyond his comprehension. And badly.

You probably sit there and wonder how I could be so shallow. Funny that, because at the time, I wondered the very same thing myself. He’d done so much for me without asking for anything in return. He could’ve very well taken advantage of the young, innocent girl that I was, yet he never had. He’d brought me into his family, took time away from his friends to spend with me and now I was pushing him away without explanation.

Yet at the time, I also knew I couldn’t stand the agony of losing him, IF that was what he had in mind. And how was I NOT supposed to think that it wasn’t? He’d grown further and further apart from me the longer he was away. Yes, I knew he was busy and I knew deep in my heart that he was a normal, redblooded man with a healthy appetite for lovin’ - but in my foolish heart, I’d chosen to overlook that and launched my dreams on the chance that someday soon I’D be the only one he wanted to make love to… ME!

A romantic fantasy, yes… but a silly one too. I saw that now.

I bent my head, allowing the tears to fall into my lap. I LOVED him. It wasn’t just some silly school girl crush! Deep in my heart, I knew we belonged together and that if given the chance, I could make him happier than he’d ever been. Trying to get him to see past my age was the insurmountable obstacle I just couldn’t seem to get around. It was hopeless!

I was confused. I was lonely and I wanted Sesshomaru but I was stubborn. I had gotten a bit of my pride back as my body had grown stronger. I was angry with him and I wanted to hurt him the same way he’d hurt me. I just wasn’t sure how to do it.

Making my way back home, I wasn’t any clearer of head than when I’d left. If anything, I was even more confused. I decided then that the best thing for me to do was just not think on it the remainder of the evening and enjoy spending time with my family. When tomorrow came, I’d deal with what the winds blew my way.

Dinner was the usual affair it had been ever since I could remember at Aunt Reika’s home - everyone catching up on the other’s day. Listening to Kikyo regal us with her tales of college made me eager to get started on my own studies. I’d been an honors student before the accident and I intended to perform just as well as I had then if not better once I had my academic feet firmly up under me. My plans were to travel abroad, study somewhere far away, see the world and make a difference with the second chance I’d been given.

With dinner finished, I helped clean up the dishes and swept the kitchen clean before going in to watch a bit of TV with Kikyo. All in all it had been a very relaxing evening and I was positive I would be able to sleep well. I figured that once morning came, I’d have a clearer picture of how I wanted to handle things with Sesshomaru. With that thought tucked safely inside, I fell asleep.