The Pain In My Heart

AN: A big thank you to my lovely beta Caitriona!
Thank you Sade Ness for pointing out that the chapter was missing! Hope it works now!


Chapter Eleven

“He smells like a bitch just out of heat.”

Kagome spun around and slapped Kouga's cheek. The way he had said it, just noting it, ignoring how it might sound to her; it made Inuyasha sound... well, insulting him. And why had he said such a thing? It surely couldn't be true, could it? She hadn't heard right, had she? Kagome played the words around in her head. It just couldn't be...

But Kouga's tone had been honest. Kagome blanched.

Then she grew very, very still.

Her eyes widened as she let herself understand and digest the terrible implications behind Kouga's words. The ookami had not really considered the meaning of what he'd said, just probably saying the words as the thought crossed his mind, but she clearly saw that her friend still wasn't rid of Naraku's evil. Kagome understood there was a terrible truth, which Kouga's words had made painstakingly clear.

No wonder there were still symptoms no-one could explain. Symptoms which couldn't be dispelled by Miroku's sutras as they had continued even when the poison lost it's potency, hiding in Inuyasha's demonic blood. It had been a few days since his last human night, and the few remains of the poison still persistently lingering had seemed to recede as Miroku had told had happened the last time, but the poison seemed to be diluting and slowly disappearing even when the sickness hadn't.

A sickness none of Kaede's remedies seemed to cure; the persistent tiredness, the queasiness, light-headedness, the wear on Inuyasha's body. It seemed the hanyou had gotten no rest since Naraku's attack.

Kagome worried her lip, trying hard not to fall apart completely. It seemed so unfair! And maybe, just maybe, Kouga had been mistaken. It was a slim hope to cling to, a mere fickle chance.

“Hey, you all right?” Kouga asked Kagome softly, scenting her distress.

“Please, please say to me that it isn't so...” She turned her teary eyes to stare deep within his. Her look wrenched at Kouga's heart and he embraced her. But it did nothing to soothe her as the sobs started to wrack her body.

And only then did Kouga himself fully understand what he'd said.“ He smells like a bitch just out of heat.” Hell, even if the hanyou was an idiot, no one should be made to go through that. He hugged Kagome comfortingly.

“I'm sorry, but he does smell like he's carrying.”

The girl grabbed onto him tightly, as if her life itself would ebb away if she let go. She didn't want to believe it, it was just too cruel to imagine. How can I tell this to Inuyasha, how can such a thing be told? He can't rid himself of it, it's gone too far already. And all this time he's suffered and it's not nearing an end. And Miroku, oh, what will he say?

The wolf prince held her for a long time till her tears finally dried. But her heart was heavy in her chest, a new found coldness and despair had settled within. She let him lead her back to her friends as if in a trance. The wolf prince helped her through the edges of the village and back to the bank where they'd left the panicking hanyou, his lover, the demon exterminator and the fox kit.

Kagome just followed after him, putting one heavy leg in front of the other, stumbling, but Kouga always held her up. She wasn’t even crying, she was blank as if denied of all emotions.

I must tell Inuyasha, I must. It's horrible... Kagome felt hollow.

They neared the others with every heavy step Kagome took, guided by the wolf demon’s strong arms on her shoulders, holding her up.

She could hear the others chatting amiably, Inuyasha's brush of fear seemingly having already subsided. He seemed so happy. And it was that which affected her the most.

Suddenly, Kagome froze on the spot. She couldn't hear the voices of her friends any more; they were muffled by the screaming in her head. Numbness spread through her bones as an iron grip seemed to surround her heart. But she had to tell him, even if the truth would shatter whatever strength and composure he'd regained. The truth was better out than in.

But she couldn't, just couldn't.

Kagome heard softly padding steps. They broke through her sudden deafness and she shook her head, focusing her gaze to the people nearing her. It was Inuyasha, lead by Miroku, with Sango and Shippo in tow and Kirara winding her tail around the woman's ankles.

“Kagome?” Inuyasha asked, looking distressed. Miroku must have told him how distraught she undoubtedly looked. He could probably also smell the tears and her agony. “What's the bastard done to you?” The familiar timbre of indignant and protective arrogance rung in his voice. It had been completely dormant, and now a smidgeon crept back in at his question. But it was there, and she would shatter it.

“Hey, I didn't do anything!” Kouga cried out indignantly,”We just talked and I said that---” He stopped mid-sentence as Kagome nudged him hard on the ribs.

Kagome noted how Inuyasha tried to seem harsh but how his grip on Miroku's hand was so firm that it must be hurting the monk. She never saw him even wince. How would the monk react to her news? More importantly, how would Inuyasha react?

It would crush him, the knowing. The truth. The living result of the violence done to him.

“Kagome?” Inuyasha laid his other hand on her arm, comforting. She could feel how he shook, just perceivably.

“I'm...” Kagome started to say as her mind cried out. I can't, I can't!'

Kouga rubbed her shoulders gently. He was oddly quiet. Seemed he'd put two and two together and figured out what had made her to loose composure.

“I have to tell you something, Inuyasha,” Kagome said in a hushed tone. She could feel the shaking of his hand increase just a bit. Inuyasha seemed to be getting more and more uncomfortable in the youkai's presence. His breath had also picked up a shaky quality. The tears were coming back into her eyes. How can I?

“What's wrong?” It was Miroku, who eyed Kouga hostilely, his staff ready in one hand should the ookami try something to upset his emotionally fragile lover even more than he already was. “Kagome, tell us. What is it?”

“I... Kouga says that he smells... “

Inuyasha withdrew his hand and Miroku drew him against his side in a one armed embrace.

“What does he say he smells?” Inuyasha's voice cracked and Kagome thought sadly how he must hate himself for it.

“He says that you smell,“ she swallowed, “Like you, like you - - -”

Kouga beat her to the punch and just announced how things were in his brusque, direct way. “You smell like you're carrying.”

“Carrying...?”

Kagome saw through the veil of her tears how Inuyasha's mouth dropped in horror and he wrapped his arms around himself. The truth slowly seeped in, like the tendrils of poison.

“A child. That bastard knocked you up.” The ookami said, his voice having none of the condescending qualities it usually had while he talked to the hanyou. It seemed he felt sorry for him.

“NO!!!” Inuyasha's cry of denial was heart breaking. He was scared again, utterly lost. Hurt. Before anyone could say or do anything Inuyasha wrenched himself away from Miroku and ran for the forest. The others stood still in shock. And then turned to stare at Kouga.

“What?”.

“Couldn't have softened the blow, could you?” Sango asked icily, being the first to regain her voice. She extended her hand and slapped Kouga on the cheek opposite Kagome’s earlier strike.

“Kagome wasn't getting it out and it's better he heard it from me, he'll hate whomever it was that told him. Better he hate me than her, he's already doing so.”

“But still, you! Is it even true?” The taijiya saved the ookami a scathing look before turning her head towards Kagome. Sango searched for the truth in Kagome's eyes. The young girl avoided her but nodded, only slightly moving her head. Tears were streaming in rivulets from her eyes. She was sagging against Kouga, who held a protecting arm around her.

“It's all over him, no doubt about it,” Kouga verbally confirmed the taijiya's suspicions.

Kagome crumpled to the ground beside him, crying desperately. “How can he bear it? How can he... It isn't fair! He shouldn't be... He's..” She wailed, words coming in between the sobs and gasps.

Sango knelt by her, hugging her around the shoulders. She understood that Kouga had been blunt for her benefit and had spared her from Inuyasha’s hate towards the bearer of such ill news. But the end result was still the same, Kagome in mental anguish and Inuyasha probably distraught indicated by his running off.

The taijiya sighed in worry, the hanyou's health was too fragile for such escapades, and he couldn't defend himself. She couldn't very well leave the crying girl behind to care for her hanyou friend. The one who should have done it in the first place, well...

“Inuyasha...” Miroku finally breathed out. His staff clinked as it fell to the ground and there was a dull thud as he fell to his knees, dazed.

He probably needs a moment alone with his thoughts, Sango mused, casting a small prayer for the safety of that reverie.

* * * *

Inuyasha lay on the forest floor in a heap. His whole body shook with uncontrollable, violent tears and he wailed loudly.

He hated himself for it, but after the initial shock and disgust wore off a part of him had become happy. He'd have family. Even if the child was from that bastard it was also his. My own flesh and blood. Family...

“Hello, otoutou.”

Inuyasha froze. He was so absorbed in his own misery that he jumped at the sudden collected and cold voice. It was Sesshomaru.

The youkai lord curiously took in his brother's appearance, the bandages, the way he got up very slowly, his body worn and weary. His younger half-brother seemed to be on the verge of collapse, the hands he'd extended to push himself up to a sitting position, shaking.. Then the faintly sweet scent hit him.

“Whose is it?” He demanded, his tone even.

Inuyasha's scent spiked up, the fear thick in him. There was an old, underlying smell too. An old smell coming from wounds already healed and one's that were yet to heal completely. The scent could only be explained by a smidgeon of poison running through his blood. Only now did Sesshoumaru focus on the fact that his brother’s eyes were covered. It disturbed him.

Their relationship had always been complex, love hidden behind rash words and violent actions. They had been too torn apart by their father’s death, by everything that had happened since but they loved each other, as brothers do. And now Sesshoumaru was looking at his brother, sadness filling his heart, regret at it's heels for not having been there when Inuyasha had needed him.

Sesshomaru's voice grew very silent. There was sadness hiding somewhere under his still even tone. “You were violated, were you?” Inuyasha was still, too still for Sesshomaru's liking. It was as if his brother had been replaced, snatched away and been replaced with this shadow of his self.
Inuyasha heard the shuffle of silk as Sesshomaru knelt beside him. His struggle to get up ceased momentarily and he opted to slouch down to sit, his body weary. But he still flinched almost habitually, old fear running deep.

“Otoutou, who was it?” Sesshoumaru wound long fingers through his brother’s abundant mane of silver in soothing movements. He wanted his brother to calm down, seeing him so afraid was very disorienting.

Inuyasha felt some comfort from the touch, perhaps because Sesshoumaru was his brother. He steeled himself, swallowed his hiccups, and spoke. The words were forced through his gritted teeth, almost unbearable for him to vocalize. “It was Naraku.”

Inuyasha heard his brother swallow a breath. It was almost imperceptible but to Inuyasha it spoke volumes.

“Your eyes...” Inuyasha felt his brother gently press on the bandages, the curve of his palm resting against his cheek.

“They won't heal. If they would, it would've already happened. Too much of the bastard's poison. Too ripped apart.” There were tears in his voice now, but he didn't care any more. At this stage he was too tired to put up any façade for his brother. And so he let the tears fall, let them dampen the bandages, coming down his cheeks murked with the remaining poison.

Inuyasha sensed Sesshoumaru bending closer to him, sniffing him.

“You have... an intended?”

Inuyasha wondered at how level Sesshoumaru's query was. They'd never spoken of it, but Inuyasha knew his future mate had to be approved by his brother. He couldn't very well sully their bloodline, now could he? But it had already happened. He shuddered and tried to remember Miroku's acceptance, his comfort.

“Don't fret, brother. I will not chase him away.” Sesshoumaru took another, confirming sniff. “The monk? How surprising. And the life within you, how does he take to that, will you rid yourself?”

“He just found out. It's too late to do anything, isn't it? It’s too far along. I know that much, even if I'm male... I'm still too weak, would probably die. And I...”

“I know what you mean. It's of your blood. Even I...” There was a pause, but Sesshomaru didn't elaborate. “I understand,” he continued,”Come, brother. Let's not worry those you left behind.”

And so he just simply picked Inuyasha up and started to carry him back. The arm Inuyasha had hacked off when they had fought after having been released from his 50 year slumber held him in a steady grip, having grown back after some time had passed. That fight had been their last serious attempt to harm one another, a last foray into their earlier brash relationship.

“You really shouldn't have exerted yourself so, otoutou. I can see you're still weak.”

“Giving me a lecture, oniisan?”

Sesshoumaru smiled, it was a long time ago that Inuyasha had last called him that. It felt good to hear it again. It was moments like these that showed the connection they had. One they’d always had. They were brothers, and even if they didn't act like they actually cared, they still did. Inuyasha let his brother's steady heartbeat calm him. He was glad of his brother's help; he did feel just a bit faint. That's what you get for running around after barely having recovered..., his mind chastised him.

He closed his eyes and let the comfort of his brother’s nearness lull him into a half sleep. The youkai's steady, strong heart beat anchoring him, telling him it was okay. He was safe.

Inuyasha was snapped of his near stupor by a clear, agitated voice.

“Inuyasha!”

It was Miroku.

Inuyasha heard the rustle of fast approaching steps and felt his brother halt. Sesshoumaru also steadied his grip, seeming almost possessive. Inuyasha's breath hitched.

“Relax, otoutou, he is acceptable. I won't hinder you.” Sesshoumaru murmured into the hanyou’s ear. He lowered his brother to the ground and Inuyasha felt another pair of strong arms encircle him as Miroku grabbed him in a fierce hug. He smelled the human’s tears. He'd made him worry. Inuyasha shook his head as his hearing started to buzz. He felt a bit unsteady.

“Sesshoumaru-sama?” He heard his lover inquire quizzically. The monk’s hold on him never loosened; he didn’t seem to intend to let him go any time soon.

“He's all right,” Inuyasha assured him.

Inuyasha shook his head again. He didn't like the feeling of the slowly accumulating dizziness? He felt a twinge in his gut and gasped softly. It was too low for Miroku to register. His brother seemed not to have heard either.

“Why isn't he trying to kill us?” Miroku whispered into his hair in an undertone. Inuyasha sagged against him more, just faintly feeling Miroku steady him. Something wasn't right. He could feel another tug at his stomach and inhaled softly, hand gripping Miroku's robes. Inuyasha could feel his fingers slipping on the coarse substance, no strength left in them.

“You are acceptable as Inuyasha's intended. Protect him.” The lord of the western lands said in his usual royal, arrogant voice.

Inuyasha didn't register even half of it. He drew in a strained breath that did nothing to alleviate the haze in his head, instead bringing bile up his throat. The hanyou coughed and croaked out “Miro---...” He collapsed in Miroku's arms, unconscious.