Instinct

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Instinct: Friends And Family
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It was a dark and stormy night…

Of course it was. It had been a dark and stormy day as well, and the clouds hadn’t moved on. Maybe it wasn’t the lightening-full storm of horror movies and drama, but it was a storm nevertheless. The stormclouds hung low overhead, gray and heavy during the day and black at night, but there was little lightening. Instead there was only this steady rainfall that never quite stopped. It sometimes relented into a dripped drizzle or increased into a torrential downpour, but the rain kept coming down as if the heavens wept in sadness over Tokyo.

*What dramatic nonsense. I mean, seriously, the weather doesn’t care about what the rest of the world thinks.* Huddled in a sweater at her window, Kagome watched the water splash and run in dark puddles on the ground outside her home. Today, the world seemed quiet and sad from where she sat, and she felt distantly grateful for the dismal weather. It had prevented her friends from asking her to join them somewhere tonight, something she’d wanted desperately only days ago but now wanted just as desperately to avoid. *God. I wish I was like the weather. Oh, that doesn’t even make sense! But I know what I mean. I just don’t want to face them again today.*

Part of her gave a bitter laugh at the irony of the thought. Only a few days ago, she’d been in the Feudal Era wishing that she could worry about simple things like boys and makeup with her friends instead of stressing over homework between battles for Shikon shards. The few times she went to school anymore all had to do with an advanced test only days away, or an argument with Inuyasha that had her fuming or second-guessing herself. Normal life was a thing of the past, and now Kagome spent the few days she had in the present cramming or worrying. Not this time, however. Inuyasha had gone and left her behind, and the unexpected vacation had given her a reprieve from her usual hectic schedule. She’d caught up her notes in all her classes but could study at her leisure. The next test was all the way next week. Wow. Her backpack held makeup, notes from her friends, and school books, not a first-aid kit, ramen, and extra bow strings. For the first time since her fifteenth birthday, Kagome had spent more than an hour with her friends after school and not felt guilty for putting off her school work.

Instead, she felt found herself feeling guilty about her friends. She stared out at the falling rain and shivered, half-depressed by the weather, half because of her own thoughts. *They don’t know anything, and I can’t tell them anything, and--and--I’m lying to them! What kind of friend am I? What kind of friends are they?! I can’t keep telling them I’m sick and really believe that they’ve taken it all on faith. I mean, c’mon!* She snorted cynically and turned away from the window, pushing her hair out of her face before plopping herself down at her desk. The homework she’d shoved aside almost half an hour ago still needed to be done, but for once it could wait. Kagome put her face in her hands and breathed in deeply. *Grandpa’s picked some pretty strange illnesses, but there’s gotta be some that they’ve recognized. I couldn’t have had them all. So why has nobody tried to visit me? Mama’s told me about a few people who’ve tried to stop in that Grandpa sent away, but if they were really my friends, they would’ve been here every week, at least! Right?* Her eyes turned back toward the window, peeking through her fingers at the dark, wet world.

It bothered her. In fact, it had been bothering her for a while now, but she’d never had the time to sit down and think about it before. In the Feudal Era, there was always something to do, Shipphou to hold or Sango to chat with when she started to think about home, and she let it slip from her mind because otherwise she’d get this helpless feeling of doubt in her gut. It crawled up her stomach and quietly ached in her chest. It made her think about her supposed friends, and their relationship to one another.

She’d realized, after the first period of being mesmerized by the rain earlier this afternoon, that there were two types of friends. Eri, Yuka, Ayumi, and the rest of her group at school were friends, good friends, nice friends, but they wouldn’t have been at her door every day after school, pestering her grandfather about her health. That’s just not what 15-year-old girls did, not when there was school, boys, and a plausible reason. Kagome was sick; they’d see her when she came to school next. She was really sick; well, they’d have to get the gossip when they could, that’s all. She’d tell them if anything happened, wouldn’t she? *If they only knew…cripes, I’m the same kind of friend to them that they are to me. When’s the last time I comforted Ayumi over a broken heart? Or helped anyone with homework instead of begging them for help?*

They were her friends, but friends in a way that hadn’t passed through fire. It was a soft form of friendship, one made to stand up to high school entry exams and broken crushes. It hadn’t stood back-to-back with her in battle, hobbled through failures and injuries, or comforted her after victory and loss. It was a well-meaning, innocent, ignorant friendship, and as much as she treasured it, Kagome had trouble understanding that kind of friendship, now. It felt like she only had time and concentration for her other friends, the ones who would hover--and had--at her bedside and refuse to leave if she was sick.

That hurt to realize. The girls she’d once gossiped with were concerned with textbooks, teachers, and boys, and they thought she was, too. But she had to worry about Sango’s latest scar or the scant millimeter Miroku’s wind tunnel had widened last battle. The modern life seemed very petty now, and it showed more than she liked. She’d had time to look at everything these past few days, relax enough to actually feel the easing, and, surprised, try to understand why she’d been so tense to begin with. She’d come to the unhappy conclusion that she just didn’t care for any of it.

Before, it’d been non-stop studying and stressing over whether or not she’d pass the mock exams, but now that she had time…*This is my future I’m studying for, but…it’s not fair. I get a mini vacation, and everyone’s back in Kaede’s hut, just trying to survive.* Her mind reviewed the growing list of sorrows and pains her Feudal Era friends suffered, and she knew that she’d do anything to take those problems away. That was the friendship she knew now, and compared to that, everything she missed when she didn’t have it wasn’t worth having. Inuyasha always told her that school wasn’t worth coming back for, and as she watched the rain mist the window, something in her agreed.

Not that she wanted to leave her family and friends. She loved her family, and she was a naturally loving girl; Yuka, Ayumi, and Eri were her friends, even if she had become different. They simply hadn’t had the experiences in life that it took to cement together a deep friendship like the one Sango and Kagome shared. It’s not that they had betrayed her in any way. In fact, her friends had become fascinated by her life, the mystery of her supposed illnesses and personal relationships obviously more important than she tried to pass them off as. They always got the details all wrong--who would ever guess what had happened, after all?--but the vague outline drew them in like extraordinarily caring and concerned vultures. It made her nervous, but the utter normality was what made her uneasy. She knew it was the contrast between the Feudal Era and present time that made her friends seem strange, and yet something in her relaxed to hear car horns and a teacher droning. The modern era was the only place she was certain Naraku didn’t lurk. ‘Nervous’ was so much better than ‘terrified.’

Being Kagome the student over the past two days had made knots in her shoulders unwind and the shadows under her eyes fade. Yes, she was anxiously taking notes, studying like mad to make up for what she had missed, and wondering about her so-called friends, but the shards at her throat weren’t attracting enemies out of the woodwork. She fought traffic, not demons. She walked a few times a day, not all day every day. She could feel the relief in her legs over that, but she didn’t have the self-consciousness to notice how much her physique had improved since she’d fallen through the well. As out of shape as she felt around Sango, she was in excellent shape here in the present, but the most she thought about it was to think that gym class had gotten easier. Others noticed more than she did: Hojo’s eyes weren’t the only ones watching her with admiration, although she never seemed to realize the flock of boys that casually assembled near her between classes. Out of respect for Hojo’s class standing--and his nonchalant locker room flexing that reminded every other male that under the school uniform was a well-muscled body--none of the boys had approached Kagome yet, but there was some hope that she’d pick up on their interest.

Fortunately for her blood pressure (but unfortunately for her self-esteem), Kagome hadn’t figured out exactly how much she appealed to the opposite sex yet. She had other things on her mind, and most of what she thought had to do with ancient history. Normal life, though stressful, was a different kind of stress. If she could only leave behind the emotional problems of the Feudal Era with a jump through the well, she might actually enjoy herself. She couldn’t, though, no matter how hard she tried. Even as she turned away from the window and thanked the dismal rain for isolating her from the school girls, another emotional problem popped up.

Inuyasha always followed her, whether or not he was really there.

It was obvious, too. So obvious even those who didn’t care for her as deeply as Sango and Kaede could see it. Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi saw it every time certain subjects came up, and they continued to bring it up because of all Kagome’s changes since her illnesses began, this was one they could understand. Her varied responses puzzled them sometimes, but her strange ‘boyfriend’ seemed to bring out everything from anger to despair in her. This was the typical stuff of heartbreak in school. Hojo’s interest in her was so much, um, healthier than the two-timing jerk she fumed over. Plus there was that other boy, the one Kagome said followed her around proclaiming his love…

The whole situation--as much as they knew, anyway--was all very weird. Ayumi thought the ongoing trouble was tragic but romantic, while Yuka though Kagome’s illness had addled her wits. Eri, who had recently found a boyfriend to experiment with, thought she should try them all. Sex, as she had explained to the others, was great fun. She wanted to do it again, as often as she liked. The three other girls had stared at her in united disbelief at that proclamation, said in the privacy of a booth in WacDonalds, and somehow that had led to all of them spending Kagome’s first ‘disease-free’ night home at Eri’s house.

It had felt good. Sitting in her pajamas on Eri’s bed with Ayumi and Yuka at her side, whispering and giggling like she’d never left, Kagome had felt like a typical teenager. The four girls had watched television and gossiped harmlessly until Eri’s parents had gone out for dinner and a play at a local theatre. Then Eri had ventured into her parents’ room for the movies. *Oh, my God.* Even now, safe at home with no one to see, Kagome leapt up to close the curtains of her window as if the sky watched her blush at her thoughts. She wasn’t a pervert like Miroku, but the things that had been on those tapes could make a saint think twice. The laughter and playful commentary between the girls had trailed off within the first ten minutes of the first movie, leaving open-mouthed gaping throughout the rest. Yuka had squeaked a few times with surprise at the positions, and Ayumi’s quiet gasp when the camera focused up close on something they hadn’t seen outside a diagram had been nothing compared to the indescribable shade of red Kagome had turned. Eri had tried to act like she wasn’t affected by any of it, but she hadn’t seen all the movies, either. By the third movie, her smile had slipped into the slightly-repulsed, fascinated expression they all wore, mouths just a little open as they watched two or more actors writhe together on the screen, grunts and groans and heavy breathing coming from the surround sound speakers.

By the end of the fourth movie, the actors weren’t the only ones whose breathing had sped up. Kagome had torn her eyes from the screen to look at the others, half-hoping for some sign that her response was unusual, but Yuka’s eyes had been unfocused and dreamy, her nipples erect against the thin material of her pajama top and her mind off in a daydream somewhere. Ayumi had looked back at her uneasily, but the disguised panic in her friend’s eyes had conversely calmed Kagome, and they’d smiled at each other in relief that it was okay, someone else had been thinking along the same line. That didn’t make Kagome’s blush go away, but it did make her smile twist into something more wicked. Ayumi’s grin had answered her, thoughts of romance for once pushed aside for the fun of naughtiness. They’d just seen their first porn movies! They did. They, the girls, the ones who were supposed to follow their emotions, had just watched porn flicks with nothing but sex. It was like they’d proven something; they weren’t just the romantic teenage hearts--they were the hormones, too!

Laying on her bed, safe in the privacy of her room, Kagome allowed herself another smirk. *Hmmph. Just because I’ve always thought of love doesn’t mean my body’s dead. It was kind of funny to watch, but I felt…felt like I’d accomplished something. Everyone always treats me like I’m so naïve, but I can learn.*

And she knew she could learn, because Eri had learned. After they’d shared their secret little grins, Ayumi and Kagome had turned to look at Eri, only to see a positively evil grin turned their way. “I gotta try that next,” their friend had said simply, and the other three girls had only stared at her for a bare instant before bursting into laughter.

The laughter had dispelled the embarrassed sexual tension in the room, leaving four girls talking excitedly about the movies still playing before them. Ayumi, to their surprise, had been the most cynical of them all, commenting with dry distain on positions she didn’t think were for the women’s benefit. When teased about the confidence of her statements, she’d only looked at them in wide-eyed surprise. “What?” she’d said. “You’ve never done ‘it’ to yourself? There’s no way she’s getting anything from him like that!” And she’d pointed at the screen while the others gaped.

Well, it was true. They’d giggled over Ayumi’s blunt way of putting it (to which she’d responded with indignant innocence), but they’d had to admit she was right. At that moment, the scene was of anal action, and after pooling their limited knowledge, none of them thought that could possibly be as enjoyable as the actress’ moans indicated. Yuka read a lot of things online, and she wasn’t as sure as the rest of them. Apparently, online writing seemed to show a more pleasant side of having something shoved up a girl’s butt.

“Probably because most of the writers have never been in that position before,” Ayumi acidly put in, and Yuka laughed out loud.

“Or they’re guys!”

“Hey,” Eri said mildly, “My boyfriend’s not completely insensitive, you know. Some guys care whether or not the girl’s having a good time.” She paused and smirked mischievously. “Tell you what,” she continued, trying for a solemn voice, “I’ll try it out and tell you how it goes.”

They’d immediately started laughing again over that and went back to watching the movies. With Ayumi’s comments in mind, they’d critiqued the movies, slowly revealing their own experiences. It wasn’t like they outright admitted to masturbation, but it was a conversation between friends. Somehow it managed to degenerate into a popcorn fight, a frantic clean-up effort afterward, and every topic that teenage minds could come up with in between. Eri perched on the corner of the TV stand and held all their attention for a breakdown of her first blowjob and how it was nothing like the screen was showing right then. The actress seemed on the edge of coming from sucking on a man’s penis, and Eri scoffed at that. Kagome wasn’t necessarily the most experienced in masturbation, but even she knew that what sent little thrills up her spine wasn’t from getting cum all over her face.

“Alright, so what really did it for you?” she’d ventured to ask Eri after they’d all had too much soda for their own good. Ayumi and Yuka had burst out into giggles at the question, and she’d struggled not to join them. “No, seriously! I wanna know! I mean, why would anyone do it, otherwise?” She’d waved a hand at the television, then did a doubletake. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

They’d all quieted and taken a second look at the current set of people screwing on the screen. The woman was bent over a table at some improbable angle that displayed her silicon breasts to advantage but looked like a chiropractor’s nightmare. She had a toy of some kind in her mouth while the actor rhythmically pounded into her. The girls stared at her evident enjoyment.

“Ew,” Ayumi finally decided. “It probably tastes like plastic.”

“Or warm rubber,” Yuka agreed. “C’mon, Eri! Answer Kagome, ‘cause I want to know, too.” She nodded and took another handful of popcorn from the bowl in Kagome’s lap. “Everybody always says it hurts the first time. Did it?”

Eri got a handful of her own and munched it thoughtfully. “Yeah. Yeah, it did, and I almost cried.” She grimaced. “It felt like--like someone was cutting me up there, you know? Like a cut, and then it burned when he shoved it in, and if he hadn’t promised to make it up to me, I would have pushed him off and stopped everything right there.” She bit her lip with remembered pain and fear. “God, it hurt.” Ayumi put a hand on her knee sympathetically while Kagome and Yuka gasped, and they all exchanged horrified looks. It was one thing to know that a virgin’s first time hurt, and another thing to hear a friend admit to how bad it was.

“He…made it up to you?” Yuka asked hesitantly. “You seem to like it now…”

“Oh!” Eri’s bright smile returned, and she seemed to shake off the memory. “Oh, he did. You know the last video, um,” she picked up the case and read the title, “‘Hot Lesbian Action’? The part where they’re, uh, licking each other?” Kagome turned a bright red again, but they all nodded. Eri grinned. “It feels pretty darn good, and he’s getting pretty darn good at it, too.” She shrugged when the others looked at her with dropped jaws. “Whaaaat? You asked!”

“But what about…you know?” Kagome blurted out, her blush still heating her cheeks. Eri raised an eyebrow at her in puzzled question, and she made an embarrassed gesture at nothing. “You know! The…the sex! I could get that,” she shied away from specifying the licking thing again, “from you guys--well, not that I would, but--oh, this is coming out all wrong.” She folded her arms and sat back with a huff of frustration.

“Coming out?” Yuka looked around in dramatic alarm. “But I don’t see a closet anywhere!”

Ayumi snickered and wryly added, “No offense, Kagome, but I don’t like you that way.”

That had set them all off again, and after the laughter had died down, Kagome waved a hand for attention. “What’s a guy got that you can’t get from a dildo?” she got out in one rush, and they looked to Eri.

“A wallet,” she’d said promptly, and the girls collapsed into giggles once more.

Yuka nearly choked on her own spit trying to say something while she was laughing, and Ayumi patted her on the back with a broad grin for the joke. Kagome threw a piece of popcorn at Eri, who retaliated with one of her own that missed and landed in Ayumi’s hair, and there started the popcorn fight as Ayumi shrieked bloody murder at Eri and Yuka used her as cover for her own assault on Kagome. Kagome had the advantage since she had the bowl of ammo, but that didn’t last long. When Eri and Yuka formed an impromptu alliance, Yuka tackled Ayumi with a tickle assault while Eri charged Kagome’s position with a pillow as a shield. The bowl of popcorn went rolling across the floor, the two girls scrambling after it and hitting each other with pillows as Ayumi begged mercy, Yuka got taken out with a flying pillow from Kagome, and the porn video grunted on in the background.

That had been two nights ago, and Kagome smiled wistfully up at her ceiling tonight, remembering the way her stomach and face had ached the next morning from muscles overworked with laughing too much. It had felt so good, so natural, and the look on Eri’s face when they looked at the time and realized her parents were supposed to be back in the next half an hour…*I thought I’d die. We couldn’t breath, we were laughing so hard, and she was fluttering around rewinding tapes and fretting about the popcorn everywhere. Thank God her parents were late!* She smiled wider, laughter dancing in her eyes before her mind kept going and brought the source of her misery back. *What’d I say, though? I must have said something that made them start in on me. I’m not that obvious, am I? They’ve never met Inuyasha, and it’s not like I l-love him.*

God, she even stumbled over it in her thoughts. Maybe she was that blatantly obvious about her feelings for the halfdemon. Of course, all her friends knew was that she supposedly had a boyfriend who regularly broke her heart over another girl. *Except for the ‘boyfriend’ part, that’s true.* She sighed and turned over to nestle her chin in her folded arms, her depression returned. *And the fact that I’m the one who’s in the way. Kikyo’s been hurt horribly by Naraku, and even if she’s not quite real anymore, I know she’s got to be hurt that Inuyasha and I are--whatever we are. It’s not her fault that I’m in the middle. It’s not like I can call Inuyasha a two-timer when he’s never really gone after me. He’s still pining after a perfect version of me.* A strange mix of guilty anger flushed Kagome’s cheeks, and she fought tears of shame. *She can do everything better, can’t she. Archery, priestess-ing, girlfriend-ing…virgin-ing. Are those even words? Who cares. She can do them all better. I’ll bet she never had these kind of thoughts. Some ‘pure’ maiden I am.*

Perfect Kikyo, who’d probably never thought of sex before marriage, and all Kagome could see in her mind’s eye was an actor from one of the videos, except he had white hair and cute little white dog ears…*Gah! Why should I be ashamed of thinking of him like that?! This is the modern age, and we don’t have to follow all those stupid rules anymore!* She flung her hair out of her eyes as she rolled off the bed violently and stomped over to the window, flinging the curtains open again to glare at the black sky. *It’s not like I’m a sex maniac, but I’ve gotten myself off before, and it felt good. The way Eri was going on about it, sex is even better.* But there was no guarantee that Inuyasha even wanted what she had to offer, and could she get up the courage to offer it if he did? She couldn’t deny that warmth surged below her belly at the thought of the dog demon touching her, holding her, kissing her…but it scared her, too. Inuyasha wasn’t Hojo, or even Kouga. After the first pain of virginity, she had no assurance that he’d stay with her, to ‘make it up’ to her like Eri’s boyfriend did. Oh, he might go through the act and please her, but it wasn’t just physical side she wanted. His heart wasn’t hers. Eri didn’t expect her boyfriend to stay, but Kagome wanted more than just sex. Hojo was a certainty; if she slept with him, he’d be sure to date her at least through high school just out of devotion. Kouga wanted to make her his mate, no date, no wait, and she was reminded every time he turned those confident blue eyes on her that he was a very attractive man--er, demon.

But Inuyasha…

*He’s still Kikyo’s. As much as I…want him, it would be like trying to force him into a commitment.* Which was part of the reason it was so tempting. Heat mulled in her belly and seeped lower, and Kagome rested the side of her head against the glass of the window, smiling just slightly. She was a young, scared virgin, but she was well aware that in the Feudal Era she might have been married by now. Inuyasha probably didn’t think she was too young. She could imagine his claws combing through her hair, whispering down her back while he drew her close, his mouth coming down on hers, and she shifted as the imagining caused a soft pulsing between her legs. As much as she feared Inuyasha choosing Kikyo in the end, she trusted him to never hurt her, at least physically. Eri had said it was painful, but he’d be careful, he’d be so careful, those calloused hands running down her sides to--

There was a knock at the door, and Kagome jumped like she’d been shot. “Kagome?”

One hand clapped over her mouth to keep her guilty sputtering silent as mortification replaced lust, and a moment later she had herself under control. “Mama?” she called back with something like her normal voice while inside she was nearly shrieking. *I can’t believe I was thinking that when my mother was right outside my door!* Modern times or not, there were some things 15-year-old girls knew better than to bring up with their parents.

“Can I come in, dear?” The door cracked open, and her mother peeked in to check that she was decent. “I thought it was time we had a talk.”

“O-of course!” Kagome smiled nervously and sat down on her bed. *Talk to me? What would Mama need to talk to me abo--oh no! Did she--but we weren’t--but she didn’t say anything last night--but they--oh noooo.* Her head ducked down, sweeping her hair down to shadow her face and hopefully her blush. The door closed again, footsteps walked across the room toward her, and the bed dipped beside her. It was like a nightmare come true, and she peered sideways through her lashes at the woman beside her. Mama smoothed her skirt down and folded her hands in her lap, and Kagome prayed silently for her grandfather to come rushing in with a shrine emergency or something to save her from what she knew was coming.

This was why she’d been glad for the wet weather. It kept her oh-so-curious friends away, and after two days of pointed questions and comments about sex and her mysterious boyfriend, she needed the break. Yesterday had featured a discussion between Eri and Ayumi about the pros and cons of sleeping around. Eri seemed to think there was no harm in it, while Ayumi argued that at some point a girl became a slut. Yuka had bowed out of the discussion with a graceful save of personally waiting for someone special, which Ayumi said she respected and Eri only shrugged at. It could have been an interesting argument had Kagome not been the person being debated, and had it not been taking place in the kitchen of her home. It’s not that her friends wanted her to drop dead of humiliation; they knew enough to shut up the moment someone else came along, at WacDonalds or any of their homes. But they didn’t know how well sound carried in her house, and they wouldn’t listen when she desperately tried to shush them. She’d finally had to physically drag Eri out of the house by her wrist, hiss a flustered goodbye, and flee to her room to escape.

Now she stared at the floor and wished for it to swallow her. *Mama’s either going to give me the birds and the bees talk and chain a chastity belt around my waist, or forbid me from ever seeing Inuyasha again! What am I gonna--*

A cream-colored envelop was laid gently in her lap. “Here.”

*--what?* Kagome gave her mother a startled look, but the older woman was looking idly out the window at the rainy night.

“I’m sure you probably think I’m here to lecture you about what I overheard yesterday afternoon,” Mama said in her calm voice, and Kagome almost thought that her eyes were sad, “but I’m not.” Brown eyes turned up as Mama smiled and turned to look at her daughter. “Going to lecture you, I mean. I just wanted to talk to you about the things your friends were saying.”

“I’m not sleeping with him!” Kagome squeaked, cheeks flushed bright red with embarrassment. “Mama, I’m really not!” Her hands crushed the envelope, and she flattened it again absently. “They think I should and sometimes I have these feelings like I want to, but oh, Mama, I’m so confused!” The tears rose in her eyes, stress and shame finally coming to a head as her voice rose higher and higher. All the things she’d learned over the past few days had built up, mixing with her already-strained relationship with Inuyasha, and she didn’t know what to think. Finding the Shikon shards and going to school was hard, but this was the kind of stuff that drained her of strength and left her reeling. Nothing else riled her body up and somehow still made her feel dirty for what she felt. Secret lusts clashed against a lifetime of turning to her mother for advice. She wanted, but she was scared, but sex outside of marriage was frowned upon, but she lived in the present, not the past, but…”Mama!” she wailed, and warm arms gathered her into an embrace she hadn’t known she’d needed until that very moment. Her own arms latched around her mother with a fierce need for comfort. “Mama, what am I supposed to do?” she cried into her mother’s shoulder.

Mama kissed her hair and held her close, her own eyes closing as her heart constricted at the obvious pain of her daughter. “Kagome, you have no idea how relieved I am that you’re asking me that,” she whispered, rocking just a bit. “You’re such a brave child, facing all that danger by yourself, and I sometimes think you don’t need me anymore. I’m losing you to the past and that boy.” Kagome’s head whipped up, wet eyes blinking at her and seeing her mother’s sorrow. “He keeps you safe, and I don’t begrudge him that, but he hurts you, too.” One arm loosened, and Mama used a finger to sweep a damp lock of black hair out of Kagome’s face, then cupped her daughter’s face with the palm. “I’ve seen how you look at him,” she said quietly to those tearing eyes, “and nobody should ever make my daughter cry like this.” Kagome’s mouth opened, and Mama laid a finger across it. “Shhh, let me finish. I know you’d excuse him anything. You have a soft heart, Kagome, and you must think he has a reason for doing this to you. Now, I don’t know what it is that he’s done to hurt you so, and I don’t want to hear it yet. All I want to know is…do you love him?” She removed her finger and tilted her head expectantly.

Kagome sniffed mightily, opened her mouth, closed it, and gave up on speaking. She nodded mutely, eyes spilling over once more, and buried her face against her mother’s shoulder.

*Oh, my poor baby.* Mama wrapped her arm around Kagome again and just rocked for a while as weak sobs came from her oldest child. *Why does love have to hurt so much?* For the barest moment, fury made her hands itch to rip those cute dog ears off the rude boy who’d done this to her daughter. *How dare he?! First he takes her away to the past, away from her family--away from me! Then he breaks her heart and toys with her…how dare he?!* A hitched breath from Kagome shuddered against her collarbone, and Mama crooned softly, the anger melting away as the experience of years of mothering brought reason into play. * I don’t know the whole story--and I’ve seen how he watches her, as well. I don’t know what’s going on. Kagome, Kagome, when’s the last time I held you like this? You used to come to me for comfort and advice, but whatever it is you do in the past has matured you too fast, too hard, and I’m losing my little girl to her responsibilities. It’s too heavy, Kagome. * She held her baby girl, no longer sure who needed the comfort more. The day she’d held her first child in her arms, all red and crinkly from birth, she hadn’t dreamed that she’d ever had to face this kind of problem. *The burden’s too heavy, Kagome, and I’m so afraid for you. You’ll never know how frightened I was to hear what your friends were saying…not because it was a surprise, but because I’d been certain that I’d already missed my chance to have this talk with you.* She looked at the downpour outside the window and wondered how long Kagome had suffered with her own doubts before she’d come up tonight. She’d always waited for the best moment for this, and until yesterday she’d thought that moment had passed sometime in the Feudal Era. She’d almost been too late. *I’m sorry, Kagome…*

“Do you know how I met your father, Kagome?” she asked, and was mildly shocked at how calm she sounded. There was a sniffle, and the black-haired head underneath her chin shook slowly. “Your great-grandfather arranged it for us. We met here at the temple, underneath the God-Tree and your grandfather’s eye.” She smiled slightly. “It was all very formal. It would benefit the family if I married well, and I was raised a proper shrine maiden by my great-grandmother after my mother passed away. She thought he was a nice man with a good family, and your great-grandfather all but ordered me to marry him. My father wanted me to be happy, but you know how your grandfather is when the shrine is concerned.” Kagome giggled softly, imagining the enthusiastic old man as a younger, even more enthusiastic father. “Well, I did love your father, but that took time.” She smiled at the brown eyes looking up at her, now. “We weren’t quite as free as you can be these days. We went through the motions of dating--chaperoned, of course, by our families,” Kagome’s eyes twinkled with laughter at the idea of her grandfather following her mother around, “but we were both traditional enough to follow the will of our families. The engagement was quick, and the wedding was all your great-grandfather’s work, traditional right down to the last detail.”

“I was a good shrine maiden, which meant that I went to my wedding bed a virgin. I wish I hadn’t.”

That statement took a second to hit, delivered as it was in Mama’s calm voice. She could see the moment it registered in Kagome’s mind. Those expressive eyes went impossibly wide with shock, and Mama could only hope that she could make her daughter understand. She wouldn’t be able to bear it if Kagome was disgusted with her.

“Your father was a considerate man,” she assured her daughter first. “He never meant to hurt me, and he did his best to take care of my discomfort. But we were a newly-wed couple who were almost strangers for a while, and this wasn’t something I felt I could turn to my grandmother about. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me if I refused him or asked him to do something differently, so I learned to smile and pretend that I enjoyed it. And he…” She looked away from Kagome, nearly blushing. She had planned how to say these things to her, but some things just weren’t discussed this way with the average mother’s teenager. “He didn’t know me, either. He was afraid that if he tried anything different, I would reject him. We shared the same futon for nearly a year before I finally confessed that I didn’t like sex.”

Kagome’s face felt hot, but she didn’t know if it was from crying or blushing. Of all the things her mother could have talked to her about tonight, this was one that never would have crossed her mind. Her parents and sex?! Oh, she’d known it obviously had happened, but--but--this was so embarrassing and confusing and it was nothing like how she’d grown up thinking about her parents’ marriage! Yet when she thought about it, it made sense. She’d known that her mother and great-grandmother hadn’t been very close, and she knew how shrine maidens were kept sheltered even today. She’d seen a few marriages in the Feudal Era, the brides ignorant and somewhat frightened by their husbands. Two strangers put together in that kind of intimate situation would resort to formal behavior as a way to assure that they weren’t offending each other.

Hiding behind that façade for so long, then tearing it down with a confession like that…*Mama, how much courage you had!* Her arms tightened around Mama in a fierce hug, belated comfort and encouragement in one embrace. Kagome’s eyes conveyed all she couldn’t say: the pride that Mama did it, the sadness that she’d had to, and the hope that she herself could someday be as courageous as her mother. Typical of the best heroes, she couldn’t see the same traits in herself.

Mama did. She looked down at the understanding overflowing her daughter’s eyes and felt tears prickle under her own eyelids. What had she ever done to deserve such a daughter? The old stories never said anything about great people coming from flawed parents, and what was she if not flawed? Normal parents didn’t sit down to have talks like this with their children. She’d never heard of a heroine coming from a background like this, and she’d taken quite an interest in the old tales since her daughter had started living one.

Typical of the best parent, she didn’t take credit for raising a woman who’d risk everything to right a wrong. If she had thought about it, Mama might have realized that, perhaps, the old stories never said anything about the flawed parent of the greatest heroine because--just maybe--she hadn’t been born yet.

She returned her daughter’s hug and rested her cheek against dark hair, continuing her own story. “Your father took it well.” She smiled, remembering, and Kagome could feel it where Mama’s cheek rested. The smile made Kagome feel better. Mama wouldn’t have smiled if things hadn’t come out for the better. “His father and grandfather died years before the wedding, and his mother was supported by his older brothers, but they had only come back to Tokyo for our wedding. He turned to your great-grandfather for help.” Her smile grew. “I’m glad that they didn’t involve my father, because I’m sure that I wouldn’t have been able to handle that!” She pulled away to exchange urchin grins with her daughter as they both imagined the old man’s enthusiasm turned toward this. Mama laughed softly and hugged Kagome close again. “Well, your great-grandfather gave us directions to a little shop downtown, and…it helped. He died knowing that I was pregnant with you.” A soft remembering of grief passed like a shadow over Mama’s face, but it had been years. She’d long ago learned how to remember the good times, too. “He teased your father to the end about being the one responsible for my pregnancy,” Mama said, and under her chin, Kagome giggled.

The younger woman couldn’t help the broad smile on her face at that image of her father and great-grandfather. It wasn’t very often that anyone mentioned them with anything but respect for the dead, and she found that she wanted to see them as people. Dead people, yes, but they were also relatives who had lived and loved like she did now. Her memories of her family included blurry thoughts of a old woman who might have been her great-grandmother, and vague pictures and sounds of her father. This…this was nice.

Mama felt the change as slightly-sad happiness eased some of the tension from Kagome’s shoulders, and she sat back so she could look at her daughter’s face. The worst was over for herself in her ‘lecture,’ but she still had to tell Kagome some things that might unsettle them both. “Why don’t you open your present?”

“Present?” For a second, Kagome could only blink. She didn’t know what Mama was talking about--the envelope! “Oh!” She looked down, but the cream-colored envelop had slid from her lap at some point in the conversation. Somehow, she’d ended up sitting on it. Mama watched her patiently as she wrestled the crumpled paper out, opened it, and read over the slip of paper inside. It was a simple, discrete gift certificate. Her eyes popped wide with shock. “Oh,” she whispered, and turned stunned eyes toward her mother.

The older woman nodded. “It’s for the same shop your father and I went to. It’s bigger now, and has, ah, a few more items than it used to,” she said with a blush. More than a few, to be honest, and she’d browsed for some time before she’d bought the gift certificate, just so she could stare at all the things she’d never seen before. *Young people have so much energy. And imagination, hmm?* But that was neither here nor now, and her daughter was looking at her like she’d grown a second head. “You don’t have to buy anything if you don’t want to,” Mama assured her, “but I want you to look, and I want you to learn. I never slept with anyone but your father, and I know that I’m probably too traditional to ever change that for myself. I loved him, after all. But you’re young,” she said earnestly, putting a hand on Kagome’s arm, “and this is a different time. My virgin night hurt, Kagome. Love doesn’t come from sex with your husband, but it does help once you’ve found love. I don’t want you to have to learn that the same way I did.” She looked into her daughter’s eyes, searching for something that would tell her that Kagome knew what she was talking about. This wasn’t something she wanted to risk a misunderstanding on.

“I don’t want you to become a ‘slut’ like your friends were talking about last night,” she said with earnest gentleness. “But I do want you to know what you can do, and I don’t want to you to think that you can’t ask questions. I don’t care what you buy as long as you aren’t hurt, either by a boyfriend or your husband--or another girl, if that’s what you want. It’s your choice. I want you to be safe, whatever happens. I’ve seen too many people hurt by this. If you bring Inuyasha home one night and tell me you’re going to marry him, I want to know that you’re sure it’s not lust, it’s love.”

“Mama!” Kagome sputtered, bright red again. “Inuyasha isn’t--we aren’t--“ A hand covered her mouth, smothering her embarrassment.

“Whoever it is, then,” Mama said with a knowing wink. “You don’t have to be afraid to look for help, from that shop or from me if you need it. Curiosity isn’t wrong. You don’t have to be ashamed or afraid that I’ll be angry. Go to the shop some day after school and just look around. Buy a magazine and leave it out for your friends to find, if that’ll get them off your back.” Kagome’s confused eyes lit up with a smile at that, and Mama let her hand drop to hold her daughter’s chin firmly. “I love you. Nothing, not sex or time travel, will ever change that. Do you believe me?” She waited, hoping she looked calmer than she felt at that moment.

Slowly, two big tears spilled onto the younger woman’s cheeks. “Yes, Mama,” Kagome choked out, and flung her arms around her mother in another hug. It felt like she was making up for all the time she’d been gone. “I love you, too.”

Mama breathed out a sigh of relief and held her daughter close before pushing her back a bit. “Good,” she said, and Kagome’s eyebrows quirked at the suddenly stern tone of voice. “Then there are two pieces of advice I should give you right now. One,” she held up one finger, “don’t get pregnant until after college. Marriage would be nice, but it’s not necessary. I don’t want you to have to drop out of school to have a kid.” She tapped her finger against Kagome’s nose and frowned. “The corner store sells condoms, you know. Time travel seems to be unavoidable, but pregnancy is.” The sheer weirdness of what she’d just said hit them at the same time, and she started to lose her stern mask as Kagome stifled a chuckle. “Second, take it from someone who knows:” she shook two fingers at Kagome, her own eyes turning up in a smile, “beds are much more comfortable than futons.”

It took Kagome a second to get it, but she laughed as her face blushed red. Mama hugged her close and laughed along. For the first time in months, they were mother and daughter, and things were going to be okay for both of them. Even when the laughter had eventually ended, they held each other, reluctant to let go. This felt like home, and they didn’t want to let that feeling go.

“Mama?” Kagome whispered. Her mother made an inquiring noise. She gathered her own courage, the child’s memories meeting the woman’s wish to know, truly know, her family. There were so many things she’d never known. She’d never thought of her parents as newlyweds, for one thing. “Can you…tell me about you and Papa?”

There was a long silence, broken as Mama said, “Of course I can. What do you want to know?”

“…Everything?”

Mama nodded into her daughter’s hair, her smile in her voice, “I can try, dear. But only if you tell me about these boys who seem to be courting you, alright?” Kagome turned in her arms to look up, surprised. “I did overhear that much last night. I know who Hojo is, but who is this other boy, and why is he in love with you? And who else is Inuyasha in love with?”

A resigned sigh came from her daughter. “Oh, Mama, that is a long story…”

Sometime in the night as they talked, the stormclouds moved on. They didn’t notice.


* * * * *
End Part 11
* * * * *


I don’t like Kagome. She annoys me more often than not, and trying to write her in-character with any sense of depth has been hard. Mama has zilch background as far as I can see, and she’s not exactly an in-depth character in the show or manga. I had to write her and Kagome together. It just didn’t seem right that a mother would let her daughter go time-traveling as easily as she appeared to, but at the same time, if the daughter was anything like the mother…well, this is what I got out of thinking about it. I had to assign Kagome’s friends some personalities, too, and I hope I got them right. All in all, this part took forever because of that marvel called “plot advancement.” I’m beginning to understand why Porn Without Plot fics are written so often.

Remember, feedback keeps me interested in this story, and it’s the only reason this part kept getting written. Someone would poke me with a stick, and I’d go work on the stupid thing again. Poke me with a stick. You know you want to. It’s like those “punch the monkey and get a widget!” ads, except it’s “poke the author and get porn!”