Innocent Beginnings

Chapter 11: The First Step Is The Hardest

I waited until Sango went off shift, waited until she’d popped in to say her goodbyes and then rang for the nurse on duty. I’d had plenty of time to think, to put things in perspective and even though it wasn’t the easiest thing I’d ever done, I knew the time had come to make a move toward my future. I suppose I had Sesshomaru to thank for that.

Being fair, he HAD helped me to become more sure of myself since the accident. His support and attention had brought me back from a brink I no longer wanted to think about. I knew that I wanted to live now; I knew that I wanted to experience life as a normal person, much the same as I had before I’d lost my mom and dad. And I owed it all to the man that had moments before, albeit unknowingly, literally broken my heart in two.

Hearing the door open, I looked up and smiled at the nurse.

“What did you need, sweetheart?”, she asked, her smile genuine.

”I’d like to see Mrs. Kaede if she’s still here. Would that be possible?”, I asked.

“Why yes. I’m sure she’d love to see you, Rin. I’ll be right back for you.”, she said and disappeared quickly. I hadn’t shared many conversations with the director since I’d come to this place but the ones I had shared with her had been since Sesshomaru had come into my life. She was a nice, no nonsense lady and I respected her for that. I had frustr her her many times, I knew, but she’d always assured me she was in it for the long haul with me and expected me to take the initiative one day very soon… and I suppose I had.

“Rin?”, Nurse peeked in through the door. “Mrs. Kaede will be right down.”, she said. ”Would you like a snack while you’re waiting?”

“Do you have chips - salt and vinegar maybe?”, I asked, smiling a little. I loved the horrid things!

“Of course. I’ll bring them right back.”, she said.

“Vanilla Coke?”, I ventured.

“That too. Be right back.”, she smiled and left me alone once more only to return with my request minutes later. I thanked her and popped the top on the can of soda. Vanilla Coke, was this some tiny type of rebellion against what Sesshomaru and I had shared? I guessed it was and tipped the can, taking a long, satisfying gulp. Small changes at first, bigger ones later, I surmised and tore into the bag of salt and vinegar chips. No matter that these were a favorite of Sesshomaru’s as well… some things I just would NOT give up, not even for him.

I sat enjoying my snack as I waited for the director, my mind going over and over what I’d already decided hours before. I wanted to go home…

I’d turned down every request my remaining family had made to visit me. My aunt, who just happened to be my mom’s twin sister, had tried several times over the past months to visit but I’d never allowed her in. Seeing her was too painful, seeing my own anguish mirrored in eyes that looked so much like my mom’s, well, I just couldn’t have handled it. I supposed as time wore on, it had just become easier not to think of her… of any of them… my family.

Yet I knew I couldn’t stay here in this place forever. I knew the time had come for me to move ahead, start back to school and get on with my life. Time had helped put a healing patch over my heart in regards to the loss of my mom and dad. I’d never fully get over the pain of losing them so tragically, but I was becoming more and more able to deal with it. And yes, I had Sesshomaru to thank for that as well and I KNEW that. Without him, I was sure I’d still be sitting in my wheelchair staring out the east window of the rec room, not speaking or walking or eating. I’d come so far but I wasn’t finished yet and I knew that.

“Rin? You wanted to see me?”, Mrs. Kaede peeked in.

“Hi. Yes, I did. Thank you for coming so quickly. I know you’re very busy.”, I said as she walked into my room.

“Sango said you weren’t feeling so good today. How about now?”, she asked, her face lined with concern.

“I’m better. The pain reliever and nap helped. I ate every last bit of my dinner as well so maybe that helped too.”, I said, smiling.

“That’s good. What’s on your mind, Rin?”, she asked, taking a seat in the chair Sango had sat in to read to me earlier in the day.

“I would like to go home, Mrs. Kaede. As soon as possible.”, I said at once.

She blinked, took a breath and let it out before smiling back at me. “My goodness, Rin. It’s as if you can read minds! Your aunt was here two days ago inquiring about the very same thing. You know she’s worried so much over you these past months that you’ve been with us. I can’t think of anything that would make her happier than having you come home!”, she said.

“Aunt Reika was here asking about me?”, I asked. I’d just assumed she’d completely given up on me after all the times early on I’d rebuffed her attempts to visit.

“Sweetheart, your aunt has been here at least twice a week every week since you were brought to us. She calls every day to check on you. Did you think she’d given up?’, she asked.

“Yes, I suppose so. I feel terrible.”, I said, realizing that I really did. I knew that she and my mother had bextrextremely close and instead of turning to her to share our pain, I’d pushed her aside and turned my back. I knew now that her loss had been just as hard on her as mine had been on me. I’d been selfish and I was ashamed.

“It’s alright, Rin. What matters most is that you want to go back home now to people that LOVE you. To your very own family. I can’t tell you how proud I am to hear those words come from you.”, she said, standing and walking over to lay a hand on my shoulder.

“When do you suppose I can leave?”, I asked and she grinned.

“As soon as you get your final physical clearance examination to release you. I can get that taken care of tonight, they should be able to fit you into their schedule early tomorrow. After that, you’re free to go.”, she smiled. “You’ve come so far, Rin. It’s heartwarming to see the progress you’ve made with your life. Would you like to call your Aunt with the good news or should I?”, she asked.

“I suppose I could call her.”, I said.

“That would be excellent. I’ll go take care of things at my end. I’ll see you in the morning, Rin.”, she said and leaned down to give me a quick hug. I closed my eyes, squeezing away the tears that threatened to fall. I’d never been so scared or so excited. My life was at a major turning point and I was taking my first tentative steps forward… alone. I missed Sesshomaru so horribly in that moment that it was a physical thing and I ached from the pain in my heart.

I waited for a few minutes after Mrs. Kaede left the room to give myself a chance to calm down. I didn’t want to be a blubbering mess when I called my aunt. I wanted to be in control of emotions and I just wanted to make the changes that needed to be made in my life in order for me to move ahead one step at a time. If I’d learned nothing else here, I’d learned that patience was indeed a virtue.

Sitting at my desk, I lifted the phone and punched in the familiar numbers I’d not dialed since the accident. Waiting for someone to answer, my eyes drifted to the picture InuYasha had taken of Sesshomaru and I on the first day we’d met out on the lawn and I quickly reached out and flipped the picture over so that I couldn’t see him… see us.

“Hello?”, my auntie’s voice drifted over the line and before I could lose my nerve, I spoke up.

“Aunt Reika. It’s Rin, here.”, I said, clutching the phone tightly.

“Rin?”, she asked, her voice faltering a bit.

“Yes. I’m sorry I haven’t been… haven’t seen you but I want… I want to come HOME!”, I said, the words rushing past my lips before I could stop them.

“Well of course you do!”, she cried. “I’ll call Mrs. Kaede the second we are finished here.”, she said.

“No, Aunt Reika, it’s ok. I’ve talked to her already this evening. It’s taken care of. sai said.

“That’s wonderful news, sweetheart! Wonderful! I’m so happy to hear from you. I’ve missed you so!”, she said.

“I’ve missed you too, Auntie. We’ve got lots to catch up on. It’s ok if I stay with you all?”, I asked.

“Don’t be SILLY, Rin! Of course you’ll live here! I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll get your room ready tonight and give Mrs. Kaede a call of my own at any rate! I love you, Rin. We all do.”, she said.

“I love you too, Aunt Reika. And I’m sorry.”, I said.

“Nonsense, Rin. We’ve got each other now. That’s all that matters. I can’t wait to see you.”, she cried.

“Goodbye then.”, I said, my heart pounding fiercely. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold on to my decorum. Tears were already streaming down my face and I longed to bury my head underneath my pillow and hide until morning came.

“Good bye, Love. ”, she whispered.

I cradled the phone and stood up from my chair, walking to the window to gaze outside as I’d done countless times before. This place was a comfort zone for me now… a place where routine and familiarity ruled. A place I’d called home for longer than I cared to remember.

I was scared of the changes I’d already set into motion - wondering if I’d made the right choice and realizing all at once that I really HAD no choice! It was time for me to leave here, time to go home to my family and friends, time to put myself back together again.

“Thanks, Sesshomaru.”, I said softly as I pressed my forehead to the windowpane, wondering if he was even now gazing at the very same stars that were in MY sky. “Thanks for everything.”