Virginity of the Soul

A/N: Pretty sure everyone either forgot about all my stories or they hate me for not updating. Sorry. I will make one thing clear though, I will never abandonned any of my stories. I know lately it's been taking a while to update but THEY WILL ALL BE FINISHED, I swear. Life is just wibbley wobbley full of ups and downs... so sometimes writing has to take the last place on the priority list. I'm sorry. Updates for all my other stories are coming and you can check their progress on my profile (should be tonight or tomorrow though). 

If you're still reading, thank you.

Also, no beta-ed and seriously, it's been so long.... I'm sure it's FULL of mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that. 

Virginity of the Soul

Chapter 10: Resolutions

Howling.

Non stop howling. 

Inutaisho sighed in exasperation and buried his face in his hand. He hoped he would not have to do this. He hoped he would understand. He was wrong. Perhaps he should have waited. Perhaps it was too soon. Then again, it might have been worse if he found out later on. 

When Inuyasha learned about the news, he did not react well. 

Although Inutaisho prepared for the worst…he never thought it would go that far. It appeared that something inside of his youngest son snapped. That allowed his youkai blood to take over. Inuyasha's eyes turned blood red and he snarled like an angry animal.

He barely had time to restrain his son…

… And he was not quick enough to prevent Inuyasha from throwing Izayoi into the table. 

Thankfully, she was not hurt.

However, that did force him to tie up Inuyasha and lock him up in his special room. When Inuyasha was a teenager, he used to lose control a lot and they were forced to take measures. He never thought he would have to do that again… It broke his heart. 

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt his mate's hand on his shoulder. He covered her hand with his and squeezed it gently while his gaze lingered on her bruised digits.  

"He'll be alright."

It hurt her just as much as him to hear their son's howling. 

She did not blame Inuyasha for hurting her. He was in pain and this was how his mind and body reacted to such trauma. She had no doubts that he loved Kagome. He did wrong her and yes, perhaps it was better they were apart but she did not think Inuyasha realized that yet. 

"I know."

The question was, when?

"Unfortunately, I am not certain his grudge against Sesshomaru will ever go away."

Even if Inuyasha calmed down, it was assured that he would go after his older brother. If Inuyasha let go of his control, the fight might go either way. This was not really a risk he was willing to take; he would not lose either of his sons. Although both of them did deserve to get some sense knocked into them. 

"He will forgive him… eventually."

Unfortunately, the new addition to the family would be a constant reminder of his pain. She did hope he would one day find the right person and the wounds would heal. Perhaps he could even learn from his mistakes. Oh Kami how she prayed he would learn. 

"Have you talked to Sesshomaru?"

"No." He scoffed. "I am afraid he might not realize how bad the situation is and he might try to taunt Inuyasha. I do not wish to lock up both of my sons." 

Plus, he needed his oldest son to figure out the situation between him and Kagome. From what he understood, the whole baby situation had not been solved. Obviously, he did not wish to get more involved because it was hardly any of his business but he refused to let Sesshomaru not fix his mess. If he had to, he would force him to do the right thing.

Every day that went by since he found out the situation, he felt like he failed his sons. 

Every day, the feeling got worse. 

-V-

Another day.

Another pointless day.

Sesshomaru sat at his desk staring at the pile of papers stacking up in front of him. When was the last time he actually worked? He did not even remember. Every time he tried to be productive, he found himself thinking about her - the baby, her body. Last time they met in person, they almost… oh god how he had wanted it. But they should not. Right? No. Of course not. 

It was most likely the reason why they exchanged a few words on the phone but never actually made another appointment. It seemed she did not wish to see him in person either - probably because she did not trust herself around him…or because she truly disliked him now. Unfortunately, the subject matter was rather difficult to discuss over the phone and nothing ever ended up being done. 

Now, he was frustrated in every aspect of his life.

There was a reason why he did things the way he did. There was a reason he did not deviate from the path. He liked control, he liked keeping things organized. When he chose to go after her, he forsake everything and he ignored the rational side of himself. He followed his emotions, he followed his heart. He should have never done that.

He did not like complicated. He avoided complicated.

Why did he not have a solution when it came to her?

No sense, no logic. 

He was no better than a fool in love.

He tried to hate her, he tried to forget her. One touch and he was doomed again? How frustrating. The urge to punch a hole through his desk surged within him but he restrained himself. The goal was to gain control not to lose it all over again. 

Sesshomaru was stuck in his office wasting his time while she was…somewhere…pregnant… doing….well he had no idea. 

And apparently it was not his place to know. She could do as she pleased with whom she pleased and he had no input in it whatsoever. 

Also since her answers were usually one or two words answer, he could not even guess what was happening in her life. He also could not pry - because his father would find out and he did not want him more involve in his life than he already was. Also, he was not certain he wished to receive his father's punishment. 

He would be lying if he said he did not wish for his phone to ring, lite up or even vibrate… anything. Obviously he could not go to her. He lost control once and he would not let that happen again. Although, she did not reject him or his touch. They simply both chose to put an end to what was happening. They both knew they were not right for each other. Or were they simply pretending?

Perhaps if he tried it again, she might give in. She probably would. And he might let himself go as well. He might enjoy it. Heck, they probably both would. 

And he resisted. 

That path was a dangerous one. 

For a while, anger clouded his judgement. He would be lying if he said he felt no rage at all at this moment, because he did but it was not like before. 

He was not mad at her.

He was not even mad at himself for being weak. 

He was just angry in general. He was frustrated with the way things turned out. 

He still hated the fact that she turned him down, that she chose not to be his mate. She preferred his brother over him. Nonetheless, he had to agree that the situation was rather…complicated. Perhaps it was too complicated for either of them to see clearly. His judgement was clouded and so was hers. The timing was not right before, during and it would not be later. 

Kagome and him were not meant to be. 

There.

He was being the logical Sesshomaru he always was. 

This was how he needed to start living the rest of his life. Although, that would include putting some distance between her and himself which would be quite difficult to do since they had a pup on the way but… 

But.

A sigh rolled off his lips and his head tilted forward.

There was always a but when it came to Kagome. 

There would always be one. 

From now on his life was doomed to be constantly filled with what if. Perhaps they could have gone another way if he had acted differently. Although, he could hardly see how else he could have shown her his feelings… he did everything right. Except anticipating her answer. It should have been yes. 

He sighed; why could he not think about anything else?

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Kagome was asking herself the very same question. She tried to change her mind, to chase him away from her thoughts but nothing worked. Obviously, the belly she was carrying around made it even harder for her to forget. The feeling of his hands on her body also lingered and made the task impossible. 

She was doomed.

How could she want him and not want him? Physically they fitted. Their last physical encounter proved that; she could not even resist him. She gave in the second he touched her. However, he was a stranger to her and she had no intention of spending her life with him. If she could not even trust someone she knew, like Inuyasha, how could she trust someone she knew nothing about?

Soon enough, he would move on and find someone else. He would probably even return to his little club, the place where they met.

Part of her wondered if he went back there while… while they were seeing each other. Obviously she was a married woman back then and he could have done as he pleased. After all, he was a man and a stranger and the words he spoke and the promises he made held no meaning. Inuyasha proved that to her. 

Nonetheless, a voice inside of her was screaming that Sesshomaru was truthful. 

She ignored it though, like she ignored everything else. So far she managed to keep herself collected each and every time he called her. Although, sometimes she felt weaker. She wanted to share her worries, her insecurities but she held back every time the urge surged within her. He would not be her pillar or her rock. He would be a father to their child but he was not there for her. Instead, she answered with one or two words and always hurried to hang up.

He never seemed to like that.

Then again, he proved to be quite a mystery. The way he kissed her…like he loved her. His words and his actions simply did not go to together but she refused to try and make sense of it all. Every time she saw light in him, he showed her his darkness. She was tired of getting burned all the time. It was best to stay away. It was best not to let her heart get mixed up in this mess. 

A soft knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts. 

"Kagome? Are you ready?"

She blinked once, rather confused before it dawned upon her. Oh. The appointment. "I'll just get my jacket," she absently replied as she stood up. 

Hanyous grew a little faster than humans which meant her stomach was bigger than it should be. She remembered Inuyasha telling her that every hanyou pregnancies were different - some were faster and others a bit slower. For that reason, she had to get regular check ups just to make sure everything was well. Unfortunately, youkais and hanyous were not common knowledge which meant she had to get a new doctor every time. If not, they would notice the rapid growth of her child. 

It made the whole situation a bit more complicated but it was nothing she could not handle. 

It did mean she had less and less time to fix this situation with Sesshomaru though…

They would have to see each other, even if only briefly, and it could not be this awkward.

She quietly followed her mother to the car, never speaking a word. She could however feel her mother stealing a glance her way every once in a while but she pretended she was not aware of it. They had this conversation many times and it never ended well. There was no point in discussing about it again. 

"Your brother and your grandfather are going to clean the little spare room upstairs."

"The one where we keep all the junk?"

Miyu nodded. "It's not very spacious but it would make extra room for the baby." There was no way her daughter would be able to keep the baby's stuff in her room along with her own things. "Maybe we could even remove the wall and connect your two rooms."

"That would be expensive."

Her mother barely made enough to keep the shrine going. It was not time to make any renovations for her. "Plus, I told you, I'm saving for an apartment. We'll be out of your hair quickly."

"You don't have to leave Kagome. You can stay as long as you need."

"I don't want to impose."

Her problems did not have to be her mother's problems.

"You are never imposing. Also, we can use that room for something else, even if you don't turn it into a nursery."

Kagome had a feeling that even if she said no, her brother would do it anyway. "Thank you." 

It did terrify her to be a single mom. Although, Sesshomaru would eventually take care of the baby as well but for the first months… she would be all on her own. 

The ride continued in silence until they arrived. Now, she was nervous for entirely different reason. What if the baby was too grown and had hanyou features that would be noticeable? It was a risk she had to take but… what would she do if they looked to into it? It probably meant that once she was halfway through her pregnancy she could no longer go see a doctor. Heck, she could not even give birth in a hospital… She would have to do it at home… with her mom. Oh god. That thought had not even cross her mind until now. Was she even prepared to give birth at home? Was it safe for her or for the baby? 

And because her life sucked, the only person who had the answers was…Sesshomaru. 

Apparently, she could no longer avoid him. 

-V-

"Hm, sir, there is someone here to see you."

"How many times I have told you that I do not wish to be disturb?"

Her bottom lip wobbled and her throat went dry. How she hated to upset him… but the girl was very persistent. "I know, sir, but she says it is important."

At the word she, he raised his head. Then, he sniffed the air and his pen fell from his grip. His features hardened and he rose to his feet. "Let her in. And close the door behind her."

His secretary nodded nervously and hurried out of the office with her heels clicking with each step she took. 

He clenched his hands and for the first time he noticed how tight his tie felt around his neck. Why was she coming here? Why did she not call prior to her visit? He could not come up with a reason as to why she would wish to see him… unless something happened to the pup? For a moment, his heart clenched and he sought the safety and stability of the desk to hold him up. 

A million thoughts ran through his mind as he watched her walk into his office. 

But she did not look at him. Instead she remained focused on his secretary and thanked the woman as she closed the door. 

When she finally looked at him, she appeared to be as nervous as he was. Her steps were unsure and she kept tugging at her hair. Neither of them really knew how to initiate a conversation. They were too awkward together.

"May I sit?"

He gave her a silent answer as he nodded.

As she sat she realized that perhaps it had not been the best idea. He was even taller this way.

"I need to talk to you about some things," she spoke while glancing at his desk.

He took it as a hint that he should sit as well and he did so. He watched her breathe heavily, probably pondering what words to speak. Meanwhile, he could not help but notice that she was bigger than that last time he saw her and her belly was quite round. Had it truly been that long? Then again, the child was hanyou. 

"I just- I had an appointment today and…" It was so much better back when did not have to talk…when they just felt. "I can't have the baby in a hospital."

He blinked.

"I- I'll have to have it at home. Is that safe?"

As she watched his expression she began to wonder if it was all a big mistake. Well, she already knew it was but he was her only option. Izayoi would have been a better source of information but she could not face the woman whom she considered a mother. Not after everything that happened between her and Inuyasha. She would feel shame and guilt. She did not want to see hatred in Izayoi's eyes.

All those concerns had not cross Sesshomaru's mind. After all, he was a youkai and he knew of youkais that worked in hospitals and other domains. He forgot that she did not.

"If you prefer, you can have the pup in a hospital." Actually he would prefer it if she did.

"How? They'll see."

"I know of youkais hospitals. It would be safe." 

"Oh."

Obviously he would know more about the youkai world than she did. Especially considering how much Inuyasha tried to shield her, and himself, from that world. "Well, thank you," she rapidly said. "I can just pick up the information later."

That was it? It was all she was going to say? A part of him thought it was for the best considering their history when they were left together but… she could not leave when so much was left unsaid. Then again, he did not even know what he expected from her. He would not be who she wanted and she would never speak the words he longed to hear. 

Nonetheless, he spoke. And he hated himself for it. "Kagome."

The way he said her name made her shiver. She should keep walking, she should not turn around and yet she did. She peered into his eyes, her lips trembling as she waited for his next words.

"I wish to attend your next appointments." His tone was laced with more authority than planned.

She cocked an eyebrow; he sounded rather demanding. It was a shame that she thought it rude to deny him that right. It was his child and she wanted a father for her child. Plus, she should be happy he wanted to be involved. "Alright."

Even he was shocked by her civility - not that he complained. 

"I won't avoid you forever," she said, effectively changing the subject. "I just think it best to put some distance between us right now. Because - It's a little complicated at the moment."

"Hn. You mean because you refused my proposal." Fuck. He kept thinking he was over that. His pride would never recover would it? Obviously he would be the one to bring it up over and over again.

She paused for a moment, her lips pinched. "I told you my living arrangements are fine."

He tilted his head to the side, his lips parted. Her livi- oh. He was relieved. "I remember."

They both really knew what he was referring to and yet they ignored it. After all, Sesshomaru clarified that little mystery long ago had he not? He got caught up in the moment. He did not mean to ask her to spend her life with him. He did not mean forever. Part of her thought it was strange that he would bring it up again but…

No. As she said many times, he was clueless.

"You don't know me."

"I know more than you think."

He noticed her, he desired her and he liked her before she even was able to remember his name. He lurked in the shadows where she never saw him.

When she did see him, she decided that she did not want him.

"How could you?" Except for the sexual adventures they never cross paths.

"It is you who has no idea who I am."

He was not wrong but at least she was willing to admit it. She knew nothing about him. Sometimes, for a brief moment, she felt like she was missing out. Other times, she knew she made the right call.

"I'll leave the doctor's details with my secretary. Feel free to call my office whenever to retrieve it."

She nodded.

This time, she left. 

And she never glanced back.

-V-

"What do you know about him?"

"About who?"

"Sesshomaru."

Kagome leaned back into the couch and touched the base of her neck. "I don't know much. I know what he has shown me… and that's nothing."

"Why do you think that is?"

Miyu was not trying to pry into her daughter's life and problems but she felt like Kagome needed a little push. For the past few weeks she moped around and she was stressed out. Her daughter did not tell her the full story and Miyu would not force her to share but… she wanted to give her perspective. These were important decisions and they needed to be made with a clear mind. Also, there was going to be a child in their life soon and they needed to put it first.

"Because he has no personality, he has no feelings."

"Maybe he is secretive. Perhaps you're right and he never wanted to share but maybe something happened and that's why he doesn't share with you."

"I don't think so, Sesshomaru is not that deep. He likes to hurt people and he likes to keep to himself."

Miyu nodded, a tiny smile on her lips. She never knew her daughter to be this stubborn. Perhaps it was a trait that Sesshomaru brought out of her. 

Except when he made a mistake and asked her to be his mate, he never let any feelings slip. Even when he learned about the baby, he was rude and cold towards her. There was nothing hidden about him, there was no… well there was some good in him. She never got to see much of it but she knew it was there. 

"If you say so, I believe you."

Miyu would not push her; Kagome was not ready. She did not know Sesshomaru but her daughter did not either. Perhaps he was indeed a terrible person and he did not deserve happiness as her daughter thought…but maybe he was not who he seemed.

She gave Kagome's shoulder a gentle squeeze and left her daughter alone with her thoughts. Why did her mother try to make her doubt? If there was a part of Sesshomaru she did not know… she would have seen a spark, a hint of it somewhere along the way. He was not as clever as he thought he was. Yes, he took hold of her, yes she let him do as he pleased with her but… if she had not wanted it, none of it would have happened. He did not force her, he did not impose himself on her. He had all of her because she let him have all of her.

Though she did not know how to rationally explained what happened between them last time they were in her bedroom.

Hormones? Yeah, right. Memories perhaps. She knew how good it felt to be with him. She did not think it would ever feel that good again. Not with someone else anyways.

Suddenly, her phone rang. She stared at her cellphone and sighed before getting up. She picked it up from the desk and stared at the number; Sesshomaru's office. For an instant, she froze; why was he calling her? Or wait, that was not his personal number…perhaps it was not him? She took a chance and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Miss Higurashi?"

"Hm, yes."

"This is Kagura from Mr. Taisho's office. Mr. Taisho wanted me to tell you that we have the information you requested. You may come and retrieve it at any time."

Already? She looked at the clock on her desk and saw it was already nine o'clock. "Is S- Mr. Taisho still in his office?"

"No, he left for the night."

"Could I come pick it up now?"

"I will be here until 9:30."

"I'll be right over, thank you." She hung up.

It would be easier for the both of them if he was not around when she was. At least until they worked out their little problems. Eventually they would have a civilized relationship - even if it was only for the sake of their child.

Kagome ran downstairs and grabbed the car keys from the table. "I'm going out. I'll be back soon," she warned.

The ride to Sesshomaru's office was fairly quickly, mostly because there was no traffic at that time of day. Once again, she was forced to go through the parking lot, the very location where she learned that her best friend was the back stabbing whore who was fucking her husband. It was not one of her favourite place. 

She rushed upstairs and was greeted by an empty hallway. At the end of it, she could see the light coming from Kagura's desk. The sounds of her footsteps broke the silence and attracted Kagura's attention. 

"Here you go," Kagura said as she handed her a piece of paper.

"Thank you."

Then she left - or at least she should have. Instead, she stood there. The parking lot was not the only place full of memories. Sesshomaru's office was as well. For some reason, her mother's words came back to her. Maybe he is secretive. Perhaps he never wanted to share or maybe something happened. Was her mother right? 

"Mm, excuse me, but when I was here last time I dropped…a card inside his office. Do you think I could go look for it?" Man, she was a terrible liar.

Kagura cocked an eyebrow. From her scent alone, she could tell the girl was lying. The right thing to do would be to refuse her access to Sesshomaru's office. However, she was well aware that Sesshomaru appreciated this girl. What if he punished her or fired her for not letting her in?

Exasperated, she sighed. "You have two minutes."

She got up and unlocked the door while giving Kagome a glared. "Two minutes," she reminded her.

"Thanks," she said before slipping inside the office. 

She silently closed the door behind her and rested her back against it. She scanned the office and confirmed what she already believed; there was nothing secretive about Sesshomaru. His office represented him well; clean and cold. Everything was where it should be and well organized. It even hid that dark, twisted, perverted side he had deep within him. You could not tell they had sex on that door or on his desk or even on the floor. It was all wiped clean. 

Despite her observations, she walked forward. She marched to his desk and then leaned against it before looking through the window.

What exactly did she hope for by coming here? Did she think his office would give her answers? That she would figure out how to fix the mess that was her life? How foolish of her.

Though, despite all the bad that happened recently, this place had some good memories. No matter how she felt about Sesshomaru, they were very compatible physically. 

A twinkle of need formed in the pit of her stomach. Hormones. 

After one last glance, she spun around, ready to leave. Unfortunately for her, she found herself face to face with Sesshomaru. A gasp slipped her lips and she stopped herself from moving forward by putting her hands against his chest. 

He stared down at her and then at her hands. She slowly removed them and let them drop to her sides. Sesshomaru almost spoke but when her scent reached his nose, he remained quiet. Instead, he let her struggle. 

"I— I, thought I lost something the last time I was here." He was close. Very close.

"Did you locate it?"

Unlike her, he appeared unaffected by their closeness. Last time they were this close they… well yeah. It did not end as it should have. 

"Mm, no."

"Do you require assistance in finding it?"

"No."

She flustered. She remembered all too well what happened the first time he ever helped her - at the club. His hands. His tongue, his - oh god. Yes, thinking was definitively bad. Though it was too late now; she could feel a dampness forming in her lower regions and she mentally cursed herself. If she could feel it then he could smell it. She tried to look into his eyes, to see what his reaction was but he seemed unfazed. 

"I - I should go."

He nodded but he never moved out of her way. How exactly did she expect him to stay away when she smelled like that? It was easy to be the cold hearted bastard she thought he was when she was rude to him but it was a little harder when she was turned on. Did she remember all the memories they had in this office or was something else the source of her arousal? He should have made her leave minutes ago and yet there she stood.

It was almost as if she was waiting, begging him to make a move. He should not go down that road again. He was the one getting humiliated each time. But… but her lips were parted, her cheeks were flushed and her heart was beating fast. He ignored everything his mind was telling him and he raised his hand. Softly, he cupped her cheek and surprisingly, she leaned into his touch. 

Oh yes, she was making it very difficult

Kagome knew it was time to goor else it would just end up like their last encounter.

"Do you not wish to go?"

Her cheeks became even redder. She was leaving. Now. Right now. A relationship between the two of them could only be sexual or disastrous. It was okay before, when it was only the two of them…but now there was a child involved. This was not what she wanted.

It was what her body wanted though.

Stupid, stupid body…and hormones. Yes, they were at fault. This was none of her doing because she knew better. She knew better than to let her physical attraction for Sesshomaru decide for her.  

Before she knew it, her body was pressed up against his and this time, her bump did not seem to be a problem for either of them. He felt firm and hard beneath hers. Hard was the right word and to top it all off, he made no attempt to hide his current predicament. His left hand rested on her hip, his thumb caressing her stomach. 

He swore he would leave her alone, he swore he would stay away. This woman shattered his pride, this woman rejected him over and over again. Every time she was around he got zapped and he kept coming back for more. This was not the way to build a relationship for their child. 

Kagome was breathless as she tilted her head back; it was the only way she could think of creating some distance between them. Unfortunately that also exposed her neck to him. Her unmarked neck. He unconsciously licked his lips and then went for it. He lapped at the spot and she shivered in his hold. Her downfall was when his fangs grazed her skin. Her panties immediately became damp and her knees became weak. How did anyone expect her to push him away? Even the last time this happened she did not turn him down; he was the one who left.

The way she reacted to his touch was almost insulting. If she found his touch so pleasing why did she turn him down? Did she really think she could find someone else that could make her feel the way he did? She could not. She had no idea the love and devotion he could give to her. Yet, she rapidly turned it all down. 

She raised her hands, tangling her fingers in his hair. Oh god. So soft, so silky. She swallowed hard. They could not keep doing this, it was not healthy. 

"Why?" she whispered.

"Why what?" he asked, his warm breath puffing against her heated flesh.

"Why did you want to mate me?"

That fucking question again.

"You don't even know me. I don't know you. Mating is forever."

Her body was begging her to stop talking, to simply enjoy his touch but she knew she could not. If she gave in once, she would always give in. He could not have all the power over her. She had to hold on and turn him down. If only he would stop touching her like that. Oh fuck.

He did not reply to her. Instead he raised his head and placed a trail of kisses on her skin. He began with her neck and then went all the way up under her jaw and to her cheek. He let his tongue flicker on her nose. 

"I do know you."

"You've never talked to me," she pointed out, a bit surprise by his answer.

She was not wrong though; she did not know him. If she did, she would have never made the choices she did. Did she not feel who he was through his actions? Did she not care for him enough to see who he was? 

Would he really have to spell it out for her. 

"I do not need to speak with you."

"I don't know you."

He licked her upper lip. This was crazy. This was not supposed to go this way. "Would you like to know me, little minx?" The nickname slipped his lips so naturally. She was so close yet so far. He was supposed to let her go, not hold on to her.

She should say no; it was the only answer. It was too late to fix it, to mend it… they could never be anything. "Yes." Stupid brain. 

"Hn." He sucked on her lip. "Go out with me," he proposed.

Her heart raced.

-V-