The Pain In My Heart

Edit: 21.10.2007 I'm taking chapter 11 down and figuring out what's wrong with it not showing as it should. I took it down and re-uploaded it once already but it didn't seem to correct the problem. Sorry for the inconvenience!


Warnings : contains a non-graphic depiction of rape, some blood, dis figuration

The Pain In My Heart 10

A little over three months had now passed since Naraku's attack on Inuyasha.

The sakura trees had been in full bloom then. He mused how he'd never really appreciated the beauty of nature. His brother had always been the more refined and tranquil of the two of them, the one who had raised beauty almost over all else.

And now he would never see the beauty of sakura blossoms, the winding patterns in which the pale pink petals danced in the breeze as they fell from the trees before the leaves would take their place replacing pink with shades of green. It was odd how such things surfaced in brief almost disjointed flashes in his mind, he had not lost so much as he'd thought when he'd finally realized he would be blind for life.

Snippets of memory flitted through the painful one's. How he'd woken after his 50 year slumber, the vivid greens of the forest, the blurry image of the girl in front of him. The arrogant but royal smirk on his brother's lips whenever they crossed paths. The hatred in Kikyo's eyes when she'd thought he'd betrayed her.

But he couldn't remember Miroku's face. A string of memories of how the monk was in battle, of his ever wandering hands, the way his robes occasionally hung to his frame, outlining his shapely ass. That he remembered. But nothing of the monk's face.

It was gone.

All he had were inconsistent flashes of memory. Images connecting to nothing, fragments archived by his inattentive mind. Trivial things, all of them.

He knew he should have been happy to be alive, to have Miroku beside him. To be able to touch him, feel him, hear him, smell him even if he couldn't see him. To be able to love him. And be loved back. Still, something was amiss. Something he couldn't pinpoint. It bothered him to no end.

Sighing, he let it go.

There were other worries now, other paths. His life had been violently shaken and he was picking up the pieces, his most pressing concern, and Miroku's too, right now was for him to get better.

It had been two weeks ago that he'd recovered from his fever. He was still very weak, but not as much as he'd been the first few week after the fever had gone down. It had almost burned him up, leaving him fragile, his health still in tatters.

And Miroku had been so wonderful during these weeks, supporting him unquestioningly. He still woke to nightmare's during some nights. Miroku was always there to soothe away his tears, reminding him he wasn't alone. It made him feel special. A feeling he had not often experienced.

The gentle breeze on his skin felt so nice.

Inuyasha was happy Miroku had finally dragged him out from the cramped air of the hut. The outside felt nice. The voices of the village mixed into a soothing murmur. But he still flinched as a hand descended on his shoulder. He'd been too engrossed in his thoughts to hear who it was, his guard down in the peaceful atmosphere of the village.

“Inuyasha.”

The monk's voice was soft, soothing. It was nice to see Inuyasha outside of the hut. He'd goaded his lover out and sat him down on a bench outside of Kaede's hut, leaving him there for a moment to go and ask where their friends were.

The hanyo's reaction saddened the monk. That even here, where Inuyasha was safe, he was still so jumpy, so scared. Haunted by the nightmares of his recent past. His spirit broken. But who could have expected those wounds to heal so soon?

“Miroku... I was in my thoughts, sorry.”

The apology still sounded odd, coming from the once brash and almost uncaring hanyo. He was timid and shy now, subdued. Miroku doubted if he would ever be able to heal the wounds in his hanyo's heart.

“Come,” Miroku offered a hand to Inuyasha, grasping his in a firm grip, “the others are by the creek.”

Inuyasha stood up, sagging against Miroku, still weak after the intense fever he'd recovered from. It had been weeks but still the weakness, the tiredness remained. Kaede suspected that it was poison. Naraku's poison still lingering in his body after all this time, hindering his recovery.

“Lean on to me,” the monk offered, providing extra support by putting his hand around the hanyo's waist.

Inuyasha blushed a pale shade of red as the hand steadied and supported his weight. He could feel the touch through his clothes, the reassurance that Miroku offered, and despite the nature of the act, the intimacy it in some level hinted at.

And the tint on his cheeks deepened even more as they walked.

It seemed that perviness ran thick in Miroku's veins. The hand supporting Inuyasha soon started to slide downwards as they walked, finally stopping to softly rub and squeeze at Inuyasha's butt.

Inuyasha did feel nice at first.

Then the images began to flood his mind, the laughter ringing in his ears, drowning all other voices around him.

The hand was still there, heat radiating from it, inwardly he drew away.

'Dirty little hanyo. You really aren't good for anything else than this? Hmm? You like this? Like having me inside of you?' The fingers that had extended to claws sank into the supple flesh.

Inuyasha flinched.

'He's not in my head, he'd not in my head!', his thoughts ran in a disjointed mumble, images slithering through the noise. Those mad eyes entirely too close for comfort. The pain, the unbearable pain. Helplessness.

'Stop, stop. I want it to stop. No!'

He threw his head back, flinching again.

“Please, don't...” Inuyasha almost moaned, the words whispered pleadingly and urgent. The quality of his voice broke Miroku's heart and he realized what he'd been doing. He hastily withdrew his hand, once again settling it to on the curve of Inuyasha's waist.

“I'm sorry,” he hushed, warmly squeezing the hand that he held in his.

Inuyasha nodded shakily, the images in his mind fading, the voice faltering and then disappearing.

“I'm just...”, Inuyasha breathed in a whisper, voice still faltering a bit.

“I know,” Miroku squeezed Inuyasha against himself in a hug. Inuyasha sniffed softly against his chest and finally calmed himself.

But how could they ever hope to build a relationship when almost every intimate touch affected him so, the hanyo mused. He cursed himself inwardly. Then he cursed the bastard to every hell he could think of.

The monk and the hanyo soon came to the others, having manoeuvred through the bustle of the village.

Inuyasha heard the running of the stream, the sound of birds in the trees and the splashing and the high pitched squeals. The grass rustled under their feet.

“Kagome and Shippo seem to be playing in the stream,” Miroku informed his lover as he guided him down the river bank to where their friends had set down for the day under a tree.

The monk observed Sango sitting down in the shadow of the tree. A blanket had been spread to the ground and various items, mainly food from Kagome's time were strewn all over. The demon exterminator was sitting with Kirara on her lap. She watched her friends amiably, her hiraikotsu still at the ready right beside her should she need it.

“Inuyasha!” An exited feminine voice greeted the hanyo as the others saw him. It was Kagome.

“Good morning Inuyasha! Come and sit down.” Sango offered.

Inuyasha was soon seated down beside Sango who offered him something Kagome had brought with her from her time.

They were called 'crackers'.

Inuyasha accepted the offered food and munched on the salty cookies. He was happily surprised when, mid-munching, Miroku's mouth sought out his in a kiss. Seemed the monk wanted his share of the salty snacks too.

Kagome watched her friends kiss from the water. She wasn't jealous, Inuyasha was one of her closest friends and deserved a bit of happiness. Then she spotted and all too familiar whirlwind from the corner of her eye and frowned in concern and a bit in irritation. The young girl hastily rose from the water wrapping a towel around herself to cover her bathing suit.

Kouga was coming.

Miroku noticed Kagome getting up from the water and looked at her questioningly, then he too noticed the approaching wolf demon and drew Inuyasha in an embrace against his side, shielding him.

The wolf prince stopped short in front of Kagome. She felt his eyes roam all over her body, appreciating the moistness glistening on her uncovered limbs.

“Hi Kouga,” she greeted him. Behind her she heard the rustle of clothing and a frightened gasp. But Kouga seemed to have eyes for her only. They had not met in months and she the funny thing was that she had not even noticed his absence from her life.

“Hi Kagome.”

“Kukuku... Inuyasha...”

After having ogled at Kagome sufficiently Kouga took notice of the others.

The demon exterminator was sitting on a blanket, hard eyes focused on him, absently stroking the fire cat demon on her lap. Beside her was the monk... and could it be, hiding behind the monk was Inuyasha!

The half-breed mutt wasn't wearing his usual attire of red but was garbed in simple dark trousers and a white shirt, and he didn't have Tessaiga.

But why was the hanyo covering behind the monk?

“What's the matter, mutt-face? Scared?” Kouga brushed beside Kagome who in vain tried to halter him by grabbing his hand.

Miroku shielded his shaking lover behind him, his left hand reaching for his staff beside him. “Leave him alone, Kouga!” the monk spat out.

'Worthless stupid half-breed. I wonder why your brother hasn't killed you yet. You like that? Like being submissive? Like---'

“Kouga, please..”, Kagome pleaded, still trying to stop him.

“NO!”, Kouga brushed her off. “I want to know what makes mutt-face cover from me.” He could smell that the other was frightened. Scared out of his wits actually. And there was the scent of lingering sickness around him and something... what was it?

'That's it. You like that you dirty little bastard? Like me in you? Like to have your insides shredded to pieces?' The hands were all over him, inflicting pain. Ripped from the inside, not even the respite of unconsciousness having mercy on him, his body still feeling.

Inuyasha's scared whimpers wrenched at Kagome's heart. She once again tried to plead with the stubborn wolf prince. “Kouga! Leave him be!”. She slipped on the slope, scrambling down on her knees. With horror she watched the scene unfolding in front of her.

'Dirty, I'm dirty... No, want, want.. No! Miroku. I need Miroku... Can't ... Please don't hurt me! Please?...'

'Not hurt you? But why, that would not suit my purposes. Not suit them at all. My precious little slut, I'm just going to make you scream just that little bit more. Until you can't scream any more. And then I'm leaving you to die. You'll not see your human ever again.'

The visage over him grinned evilly, madly. Enjoying every single painful breath that he took, every raspy plea, every single tear. And it was the last thing that he saw as unmerciful claws slashed at his eyes, the squelching noise having been sickening if he hadn't already been past that point. The pain was unbearable. He screamed.

Kouga was already by Miroku's side and grabbed the hanyo's hand to draw him into his line of vision. Inuyasha led out a piercing, pained scream. Kouga was only haltered, however, when a jingling staff hit his legs. His hand still holding Inuyasha's pulled the hanyo in his line of vision as he stumbled down.

Tumbling on the grass, the hanyo scraped his palms. Kouga had landed on his behind, and was now staring at the hanyo.

Inuyasha just lay there, leaning on his hands, clawed fingers spayed on the ground below him, shoulders shaking violently. Breath coming in painful gasps around sobs and broken, disjointed words tumbling from his lips.

He was completely out of it.

Kouga had seen a glimpse of the bandages covering Inuyasha's eyes before his white mane had descended down to cover his face.

“Is he blind?”, he blurted out.

Miroku gathered the shaken hanyo in his embrace, hands running soothing circles over his back, murmuring words of comfort into his ear. Inuyasha lay his head against his lovers chest and sobbed to his robes, hating his brittle composure. Miroku glared daggers ta Kouga from over Inuyasha's shoulder. His intention towards Kouga was clear, 'leave or else'.

Kouga's eyes widened at the intimate way the monk and the hanyo acted together. He involuntarily snorted.

And the next instant a loud smack rung across the clearing, scattering the birds from the trees.

Kouga stumbled back, holding a hand over his reddened cheek. Kagome had never hit him before. He just looked at her in shock. Behind her he could see the demon exterminator now weighing her weapon with a glint in her eye.

Kagome was fuming. She finally extended her hand again, smacked Kouga on his other cheek and dragged him up the river bend. She lead him away from the village and the curious eyes of the inhabitants. A few were looking in concern to where they'd come from but seemed to believe what ever had made someone scream it seemed to have been the wolf demon.

“How could you?”, Kagome hissed while walking in angry strides, her other hand shaking so badly that she almost couldn't hold her towel up. “He's been injured, and then you just snort at him because he's found love!? Yes, he's blind! Blind because he was attacked! He's suffered too much that I'd let you make him suffer even more! How could you???” She smacked both of his cheeks this time.

Kouga finally came to himself and halted her hand by gripping her wrist, making Kagome wince.

“Stop it! What's with him anyway?”

Kagome's face grew sad. She decided to just say it, Kouga would find out eventually anyway. Best to get it out now, it might make Kouga understand Inuyasha's anguish better. Even maybe make him treat her friend a bit better.

“He was attacked by Naraku... He was alone. Naraku used poison and.. and..”, she gulped and tried to force the tears away, the events still fresh in her mind. “Naraku blinded Inuyasha... and he, he raped him.”

She took a step back after having spoken, hugging herself, tears streaming down her cheeks. She had not forgotten the sight of Inuyasha laying motionless on the ground. She had not told Inuyasha, but she had seen the deep gashes, the blood flowing down his thighs, his abused body. She knew what had happened to him, knew he'd been violated, raped.

A hand tentatively wound around her shoulders. She tensed. But in the end she let Kouga hug her.

“I.. I didn't know. You know me and mutt---, Inuyasha, we throw insults. I shouldn't have ...”

“You weren't to know.”

* * * *

“Shh.. It's okay now...”

“I...”

Miroku kissed him lovingly. In that one instant Inuyasha wondered how his body didn't panic at the gesture, it had to be because Naraku hadn't, despite the living hell he'd made him go through, kissed him. And to Inuyasha a kiss was such an important thing now that he was blind. It told him of the love he couldn't experience through casual glances.

They only had words and kisses, and touches but he was still too skittish for them yet.

“Shh. Kagome took him away to tell him off.”

“I just... I could hear him in my head...” Tears escaped from beneath his bandages. “Could feel him. All over. Everything, his putrid voice. As he...” And his voice broke.

“Don't try to remember, just let it be.”

Inuyasha took a few moments to calm himself in his lovers embrace, burying his face into the fabric of Miroku's robes. Loosing himself into the feeling of the other being there. When he spoke it was only with a small tremor in his voice.

“It was just... My head screamed demon and all went downhill from there.”

“It's to be expected. This was the first time, after... that you met a youkai.”

“Yeah. But damn. It irks the hell out of me! That it all comes... back. It scares me,” he admitted, gripping Miroku's robes, holding the other as close as possible.

Miroku smiled. It seemed the old Inuyasha was surfacing. He'd missed the brash words of the hanyo, the indignant tone. But he didn't care for the self-loathing that seemed to creep into the hanyo's words again right after. He'd been doing so well these past weeks of recovery.

Seemed to be taking Miroku fully into his heart. Letting him see beneath the surface and observe a young and carefree person who'd desperately sought for love all his life. To whom it was important. And who had, as the hanyo had confided in him, found it in him, in Miroku.

The thought warmed him. And in himself he'd found restraints he hadn't know he possessed. He couldn't have imagined trying to refrain from sexual advances when he now finally had the hanyo to himself. But it proved that it was indeed love, didn't it. He knew how shaken his lover still was after what had happened to him and respected that. What had taken place earlier had been unconscious but now he vowed to keep himself firmer in check.

His lover didn't need a reason to start grow weary of him whenever he was around. They needed trust between them. Inuyasha needed to know he could count on Miroku.

He needed safety.

And so the monk just held his lover, comforting him, soothing him.