All in all, I'm going to score you as good. I'm not an author for good reason. (I'm good at tweaking, terrible at creating from scratch. This is why I'm a cosmetologist, I'm great at expanding what's already there, but give me a blank sheet of paper, and nothing.) I unfortunately do have to agree with you about your lemon, it was clinical. You had what was happening, but nothing about how anyone felt about it.
Basically, your whole story has real potential. Simply being more emotional as well as more descriptive and visceral would help a lot. My favorite main stream published author, Diana Gaboldon( Outlander), made a wonderful book titled 'I Give You My Body' that I think would help you immensely. It's literally an entire book about writing lemons.
Please give this story about pass and give it the credit that it truly deserves.