Guilty conscience

Summary: Sesshomaru’s POV. Even a great youkai lord has conscience, guilty one at that.


There is an escape in our head. Away from the world around us, away from our ego our anger and our virtue. There is an escape in our head where we don’t have to be what we are. Where we don’t have to act as we are supposed to. There is a place where…

“Your white mane shines and flows in the air as you jump and pounce and play. The river flows with her never ending song and Sakura paints her with hues. And there you are; and your laughter rings our ears and you speak to us… really speak to us… call us your brother, your Aniki with love like we are really, really your Aniki… and you come to us and we are, yes we are allowed to touch you with out hurting you, without making you bleed… play with you but not with swords. You and this Sesshomaru are in harmony, with no blood dividing us no swords marking us as foes.”

There is an escape in our head when we run away from the strenuous battle with you, the battle we lose every time even if you are the one left broken and bleeding… run away from the stench of your blood in our clothing intoxicating us, blaming us for making you bleed… your hatred in our ears, flashing before our eyes.

There is an escape in our head when we lean against the tree, tired like we’ve been walking thousand and thousand of years searching, yearning and hoping… for something for someone… and then falling in the ground weary, dissolute and discontent.

And when we appear to be oblivious to the world, we are in that place with you, together like brothers and more. Where you come up to us and smile at us and let us take you in our arms and let us look at you till our heart’s content. Where we relieve you from your burden of the taboo and protect you and possess you like no other could. Where we would wake up to breathe together with you, touch your skin and let you touch our soul. Where what we do to you would not be a sin. Something that did not need to be hidden. Where you would tell us that you do not hate us that we hadn’t hurt you ever and you and us have been living like this forever… in harmony… in love.

But we have to play our roles, don’t we otouto? Yes, we have to. We will keep coming after you to kill you, like you keep trying to kill us in return. We will keep up the hatred for each other, wont we otouto? Yes we will. Even if it tugs at our sanity. We have to… yes, we have to.

We will save you when you are in danger and then again take you one step closer to death when we have to. Likewise, you will give us pain to feel, give us words to ring in our conscience and make us bleed. This is just the role we have to play like puppets do… like we have to hurt you to accept your existence to hate you to accept our life’s worth. And this Sesshomaru will keep playing his role and will make sure you keep playing yours.

And when our heart will scream at us, when the smell of your blood with haunt us day and night… when our eyes tire in futile search of peace around us, when our feet refuse to take us away from you any longer then, then we escape to this place in our head… where we never ever played this role that we play. Where we grasp you for strength and you save us from us. Save us from being the hollow that we are now. From our madness that tugs at us ever so gently at nights when we are the most vulnerable. Together as one in harmony. In peace. In perfect balance of love and… no only love. We will cling to this place. Hold on to it with all our sanity until the day when we will not have to play this role anymore… when we don’t have to escape in our head to be with you. Until that day to keep us sane to keep us alive there is always an escape in our head…

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A/n: Short, ne? I really don’t understand my obsession with monologues. Anyway, thanks for reading you guys. Also thanks to everyone who read my comeback fic. 'Fragile'. Esp. thanks to my reviewers: nakatanizell and ajj7sunhawk. Comments and compliments are so very welcome. :)