Inuyasha - Yaoi Neverland
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InuYasha › Yaoi - Male/Male
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Adult ++
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Category:
InuYasha › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
1
Views:
3,077
Reviews:
8
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.
Inuyasha - Yaoi Neverland
A/N Jessjess and I sat around discussing Inuyasha and cracked fairytales a while back, and both decided to do one. She posted hers. I was never quite happy with mine, but things seem a bit slow recently here at AFF, so I’m putting it up just ‘cause. If you’ve read Jessjess’, you’ll likely see some similarities. We were sitting next to each other when we wrote and traded ideas like crazy, LOL. Many thanks to her for her input! And Miroku’s last line was inspired by a hysterical organization 13 comic on y-gal that I can’t find at the moment to give proper credit to. Probably Silvy’s, though.
Oh, and for those waiting for Uke: it's coming along. I'm re-reading it to make sure I like how the chapter I'm writing is doing, and in the process I've been editing some. I've only edited up to chap 4, but the Kouga bit in the beginning is a little different now. I'll be updating the other chapters in the next few days and coming out with the new uke chapter soon after, I think!
Warning: Yaoi crack fic, totally. No plot, no sense, no actual sex, just complete silliness. You’ve read my intermissions? Think ‘that’ sort of style, and you’ll be prepared.
Inuyasha - Yaoi Neverland
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A WHIMSICAL PLACE CALLED NEVER LAND, FILLED WITH MAGICAL CREATURES. THERE WAS A MENAGERIE OF MERMAID, A PLETHORA OF PIXIES, A GROUP OF YOUNG MEN WHO NEVER GREW UP, AND A CREW OF SLIGHTLY OLDER OCEAN-BOUND MEN WHO HAD DESIGNS ON THE YOUNG MEN WHO NEVER GREW UP. OUR STORY, HOWEVER, CONCENTRATES ON THE TWO MEN WHO MOST INFLUENCED THIS SMALL REALM: PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE…
“What?”
…PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE.
“You can’t call me Captain Hole! It’s Captain Hook!”
YOU HAVE A WIND-SUCKING HOLE IN YOUR HAND, MIROKU, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT YOU WERE GOING TO BE CALLED?
“Captain Hook! Just write that it’s a hook and give me the correct name!”
THAT WOULD BE LYING.
“You CAN’T call me Captain Hole! It’s got entirely too many connotations that have nothing to do with being a pirate captain!”
“Hmmm, as in, you like it in the ass?” Peter Pan said, his pale white ears twitching on top of his head as he smirked. “Maybe she should call you captain ‘Asshole’ and make it really obvious.”
“Shut up, Peter. You better just watch your step, because I’m the bad guy in this story, and if I ever get a hold of you, I am going to have you naked and at my mercy so fast…”
“Blah, blah, blah. Like that’ll happen. The Lost boys will kick your ass.”
“The Lost Boys will turn into little pieces of ass, once my pirates get through with them, you…”
AHEM. IF I MIGHT CONTINUE?
Peter Pan and Captain Hole huffed and rolled their eyes.
“Captain ‘Hole’ started it,” Peter Pan muttered.
“No, but I’ll finish it.”
“Ha, I’d like to see you…”
ENOUGH! YOU TWO DON’T SHUT IT, I’M GOING TO PUT SESSHOUMARU IN HERE AS CAPTAIN HOOK AND TRUST ME, HE’LL TAKE YOU BOTH IN THE ASS! NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE…
Peter Pan sniggered.
DON’T TEST ME, PAN! CRAP, YOU TWO ARE SO DAMN JUVENILE. ANYWAY, THE TWO ANNOYING LITTLE BRATS WERE CONSTANTLY BATTLING AS THEY ATTEMPTED TO OUTDO EACH OTHER. ONE DAY, CAPTAIN HOLE DISCOVERED THAT PETER PAN HAD BEEN CAUGHT BY THE PIXIE TINKERBELL AS HE MADE OUT WITH ONE OF THE LOST BOYS.
Captain Hole coughed into his hand. “Pervert.”
Peter Pan glared at him and coughed back. “Captain Asshole.”
The narrator glared down from above and contemplated major character death for a moment before she grinned evilly.
CAPTAIN HOLE, KNOWING HOW TRULY PISSY TINKERBELL COULD BE WHEN SHE CAUGHT PAN ACTING LIKE A LECHEROUS PIG…
“Hey!”
…DECIDED HE WOULD CAPTURE THE SMALL, DARK-HAIRED PIXIE AND TRICK HER INTO REVEALING PAN’S WHEREABOUTS SO THAT HE COULD CAPTURE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.
“You know, I never understood that.” Captain Hole said with a frown. “Have you seen the size of this island? I’m here for decades and I can’t come up with a methodical plan to search the entire thing? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Sure it does. You just suck that badly. Or you’re secretly attracted to me and don’t really want me to get hurt.” Pan grinned and flashed his fangs as his amber eyes gleamed.
“I’d rather fuck a stump than you.”
“I’ve heard rumors about knot holes…”
Captain Hole flushed and he scowled. “It was a dryad, not a knot hole, and you know it!”
“Yeah, that’s what YOU say.”
SHUT UP, YOU TWO! OKAY…SHIT, NOW YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PLACE. CRAP. FINE…WE’LL SKIP THAT PART. CAPTAIN HOLE AND HIS FIRST MATE MAKE THEIR WAY TO PETER PAN’S SECRET CAVE…
“Hey, what happened to Hole here having to trick Kag—I mean Tinkerbell!?”
I. SKIPPED. IT. PAY ATTENTION.
“Besides, I would have seduced her, not tricked her,” Captain Hole said with a leer.
“You would have gotten your face slapped is what would have happened.”
“She’s 5 inches tall. Can’t hurt that much.”
“If she’s 5 inches tall, then how would you seduce her, you idiot!?”
“I’m creative. I would of thought of something.”
“You’re an idiot. A lecherous, perverted idiot. And if anyone is going to get seduced, it’s you.”
Captain Hole stared at him. “Excuse me, but what the hell story do you think you’re in? I’M the bad guy here! I get to the do the bad stuff! It’s in my job description!”
Peter Pan sauntered up until he was standing inches from Captain Hole. He smiled with fangs glinting. “This is a fairy story. The bad guys never win.”
The Captain swallowed nervously before he self-consciously adjusted his elaborate, feathered hat and humphed. “We still get to do stuff to the hero.”
Pan snorted.
“We do! Right? Back me up here!”
WELLLLL, NOT EXACTLY.
“What?! But you told me…”
I MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED SLIGHTLY.
“So what do I get to do to him, then?”
ALL WILL BE REVEALED IN TIME.
“What kind of answer is that? If I wanted to wait and find out, I wouldn’t be asking! And you SAID…“
PUT A SOCK IN IT, CAPTAIN HOLE, BEFORE I DECIDE TO FIND A DIFFERENT WAY TO OCCUPY YOUR MOUTH.
Captain Hole shut his mouth with a snap and Pan casually draped his arm over his enemy’s shoulder. “I could help with that, you know.” Claws scratched delicately over cheeks that flushed an angry pink.
The Captain growled and slapped him away. “You’re supposed to be in your hideout, you ass!”
“Maybe I came out to play.
“Oh yeah? Well…Smee! I need some help here!”
SMEE WALKED UP, HIS TAIL SWISHING EAGERLY AS HE GLARED AT PETER PAN.
“Hey, I thought they were supposed to be looking for my hideout!” Peter Pan backed up a step. “When did they suddenly find me??”
WHEN YOU COULDN’T SHUT UP AND GO HIDE LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO. LIVE WITH IT.
“So, what do you want, monk?”
“Captain! It’s Captain!”
“Oh, yeah. Waddaya want? Need somebody to help beat up Dog shit here?”
“I’m Peter Pan, you friggin’ wolf! And I’M the one who’s going to kick your ass all over Japan.
NEVER LAND. YOU’RE IN NEVER LAND, AND HE’S A DAMN PIRATE, NOT A WOLF!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU IDIOTS MAKE IT THROUGH THE INTERVIEWS!
All three males stood awkwardly.
WELL?
Peter Pan cleared his throat. “She had a thing for the ears,” he muttered.
EXCUSE ME?
Pan sighed. “The interviewer. She liked my ears. She said I could have the part if I let her pet my ears.”
“Tail. She wanted to pet my tail,” Smee muttered.
Smee and Pan looked to Captain Hole, who examined his fingernails as he ignored them both.
“So, how’d you get in?” Pan finally asked.
“Talent.”
“Oh bullshit! You can’t act your way out of a paper bag!” Pan growled.
Captain looked up at him, violet eyes twinkling a little. “I didn’t say it was acting talent.”
“You did not!” Smee blurted out, leaning forward and sniffing at him. “Son of a bitch, you did! You still smell like…”
TOO MUCH INFORMATION! DEAR GOD, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! WHAT KIND OF NICKLE AND DIME PRODUCTION IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP? I CANNOT BELIEVE I TURNED DOWN A ROLE IN A DOUJINSHI FOR THIS.
“It’s not our fault you…”
SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE DAMN HELL UP RIGHT NOW, PAN! THIS IS JUST…FUCK IT. EVERYONE WANTS TO TURN THIS INTO A FARCE?
Captain Hole rubbed the beads on his hand nervously. “Uh, we weren’t trying to…”
EVERYONE JUST DOING THEIR OWN THING AND SCREWING UP THE ENTIRE DAMN STORY AND EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE THAT I MEMORIZED JUST SO I COULD DO A GOOD JOB ON THIS, HUH? WELL, FINE. YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT WAY, WE’LL DAMN WELL PLAY THAT WAY!!
“Now, now, there’s no need to get so upset. I’m sure that we could find a way to make you feel better about this situation… Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?” Captain Hole smiled innocently as he sidled closer to the narrator.
OH DEAR GOD, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. THAT IS THE MOST PATHETIC LINE I’VE HEARD IN YEARS.
“Pathetic? That line works very well, I’ll have you know. Almost as well as - “
*SMACK*
DID YOU JUST TRY TO GROPE MY ASS?!
Peter Pan and Smee gaped at the red faced Captain Hole.
“Fuck, Miroku, are you trying to get yourself killed? You don’t grope the Narrrator!”
Captain Hole rubbed his throbbing cheek and shrugged. “She’s a woman. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”
Smee shook his head. “You are doomed, you know that? I cannot believe you’re even still standing, you’re so…”
SMEE STOPPED TALKING AS EVERY BIRD IN THE ISLAND TOOK TO THE AIR. THE THREE MALES LOOKED AROUND NERVOUSLY AS THE SKY DIMMED.
“Uh, what happened to the sun,” Captain Hole whispered nervously.
“How the hell should I know?” Peter Pan whispered back, his ears twitching wildly.
ALL THREE FROZE AS THEY HEARD A FAMILIAR TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK.
“Tick tock? What’s a tick tock?” Smee asked, wrinkling his nose.
“It’s the sound of a clock,” Captain Hole answered, slowly backing away from the lagoon beside him.
“A clock?”
Captain Hole’s face was pale as he continued to retreat form the water. “Yes! Get the hell away from the water!”
Pan and Smee looked at each other and sniggered. “You’re afraid of a clock? What kind of pathetic enemy are you supposed to be? Jeesh, and here I was worried you’d be tough to beat.” Pan shook his head.
Captain Hole snarled at them but didn’t get any closer. “Didn’t you read the script!?”
“Uh, no, not really. Improv is more my thing. You, Smee?”
“Uh uh.”
“It’s not the clock, you idiots, it’s what’s attached to the clock! It’s…”
A LARGE SILVER HAIRED MALE EMERGED FROM THE WATER, A LOUD POCKET WATCH ATTACHED TO HIS WAISTCOAT.
Captain Hole practically wilted in relief. “Oh, it’s just Sesshoumaru. Thank the heavens.”
“Who the hell is he supposed to be?” Pan muttered. “I sure as hell hope I get to kick his ass or something.”
Captain Hole bit his lip, “Actually, I’m not sure. The clock was supposed to be inside a crocodile, not on a silver haired demon in 19th century clothing . I-uh…does the crocodile have a name in the story?”
Smee glared at him. “Why ‘r’ you lookin’ at me? I don’t know this damn story!”
THE SILVER HAIRED MALE GLIDED OUT OF THE WATER TOWARDS THE TRIO OF MORONIC IDIOTS WHO DESERVED EVERY BIT OF PAIN THAT WAS ABOUT TO BE VISITED UPON THEM.
“”What!” Pan snarled. “In a pig’s eye! He’s never won a fight between us yet, and he’s not going to win one now!”
IN A FLASH, PETER PAN PULLED HIS DAGGER FROM HIS SHEATH.
“Dagger? What the hell happened to Tessaiga!? And this isn’t even a real dagger! It’s a butter knife!!”
PETER PAN NEVER WAS VERY BRIGHT.
Captain Hole laughed until a butter knife came flying through the air to smack him in the forehead. “Ow!”
“Huh, that worked better than I thought – ow!” The butter knife made the return trip to Pan’s forehead almost as quickly as it had left.
“You know you two look like idiots, don’t you? Really, -ow! Okay, I’m keeping the damn knife, now! Ha, how d’you like that?”
PAN JUMPED SMEE AND THE TWO OF THEM ROLLED ON THE GROUND, WRESTLING OVER THEIR ONLY WEAPON, WHILE THE TERROR OF THE SEA TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO DRAW WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE.
“Terror of the sea?” Catptain Hole asked, backing away from the clock toting male heading his way in a deadly glide. “Uh, why is he the terror of the sea?”
YOU HAVE THE ONLY SHIP AROUND, AND YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF HIM, AREN’T YOU?
Sesshoumaru smiled, and Captain Hole gulped. “Uh, yes, actually, now that you mention it, that was pretty terrifying right there.”
SYMOBLISM, CAPTAIN HOLE. YOU’RE THE SEA AND HE’S YOUR TERROR. LOGICAL, EASY, AND YOU STILL GET TO PAY. OH, BY THE WAY? THE SEA DRAGON THERE LIKES TO PLAY A LITTLE…ROUGH.
Captain Hole’s voice was small and thin, almost drowned out by the snarling of Pan and Smee as they continued rolling on the ground. “Rough?”
OH, SO SORRY, I’VE GOTTA RUN NOW! TOOK ME A MONTH TO GET AN APPOINTMENT WITH ANDRE; YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES WITH US ‘GIRLS,’ CAPTAIN HOLE, DON’T YOU?
“You can’t leave!”
DON’T WORRY, I’LL BE BACK SOON. AN HOUR OR TWO AT MOST. PLENTY OF TIME TO ENJOY YOURSELVES BEFORE I GET BACK.
The amber eyed Sea Dragon smiled again. “Most definitely.”
“No! We can’t leave the story until you let us out! Come back!
TA TA NOW! HAVE FUN!
“I’m sorry, all right! So sorry to have touched your august person. I apologize! Narrator? Hello? Oh Narrator!”
The Sea Dragon snagged the feather had from Captain Hole’s head, looked at it a moment, and tossed it to the side. “What a ridiculous accessory.”
“Hey, I liked that hat! It made me look sexy!”
“Nudity is sexy,” Silver hair swayed as the terror of the sea took another step closer and Captain Hole held up his hands.
“Ohhhh no you don’t! You’re not even a real character in this story! The narrator was just in a bitchy mood and…”
I HEARD THAT.
“I – but- you left!”
FORGOT MY PURSE. I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO FEEL TOO LONELY WITHOUT ME, THOUGH, WOULD I? SINCE I’M SUCH A BITCH AND ALL…
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! It was sudden onset Turets, I swear!”
PAN AND SMEE STOPPED FIGHTING AND WERE BOTH SUDDENLY STRUCK BY THE FACT THAT THE WORST VILLAIN IN NEVERLAND HAD NEVER ACTUALLY PARTICIPATED IN AN ORGY.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever…”
“We really should take care of that,” Pan said conversationally.
“It’s like a villain rite of passage or something, isn’t it?” Smee mused, nodding his agreement.
“Only if the villain is on top!” Captain Hole yelled out, his violet eyes glaring. “You willing to bottom, you two jerks!? Well? Are you??”
“You know, I am deeply sorry for all the shit I put that narrator through,” Peter Pan said in a sad, regretful voice.
“Me too. Feel like shit about it. Really,” Smee agreed.
“You damn kiss asses don’t really think that…”
PETER PAN AND SMEE, HAVING MATURED REMARKABLY WITHIN THE SPAN OF A FEW MINUTES, RECALLED THAT CAPTAIN HOLE HAD AN ABSOLUTE PHOBIA ABOUT TOPPING, AND WERE DETERMINED TO SPARE HIM THAT PARTICULAR AGONY.
“You lie! Liar, liar, LIAR! I am not afraid of topping ever, you cold-hearted, vindictive…”
ALL OF CAPTAIN HOLE’S WHINING REMINDED PETER PAN THAT IT WAS ALSO THE GOOD CAPTAIN’S BIRTHDAY, AND HE HADN’T YET RECEIVED HIS BIRTHDAY SPANKINGS YET.
Peter Pan rubbed his hands together. “Oh yeah, baby. This is gonna be great!”
“No! You both back off and…Sesshoumaru! Let go of my arm right now, Sesshoumaru! I mean it! The three of you can just forget it! Seriously, back the hell off!” There was a splashing sound as Captain Hole tried to back away and ended up ankle deep in the lagoon.
The Sea Dragon and Peter Pan looked at each other, and the water, and then the dark haired Captain Hole between them. They both started grinning.
“Shall we share?” The Sea Dragon asked, and Peter Pan started laughing.
“Oh hell yes!”
“Hey, that’s a different damn story entirely! That is NOT this story! NOT! Get away! And you, Smee, you traitorous bastard, you’re supposed to be on MY side! You’re my first mate, dammit!”
“Hey, dog breath, need another Lost Boy or something?”
“Well, you do have the dressed in fur part down. I think you could fit in okay. Sure. Welcome to the life of beer, wine, and screwing a little pirate ass now and then.”
“Mutiny! This is mutiny! You stupid…”
Smee shrugged, even as his blue eyes gleamed brightly while he and Peter Pan came within touching distance of the flustered captain. “Hey, it’s just me for now. Be glad I don’t let the rest of the crew in on this.”
Captain Hole’s eyes dilated.
“I think I saw Jakotsu and Bankotsu making out in the casting room before we all came in. Maybe they made it in as pirates. I’m sure they’d just love to participate.
“Shut up! Just shut up! I can’t believe you bastards! Didn’t you get enough fucking around the last story?!”
The Sea Dragon grabbed his other arm to keep him still and spoke slowly. “Is there such a thing as enough fucking around?”
“Hell no.” Peter Pan shook his head adamantly.
“I sure as hell haven’t heard of it.” Smee said.
“Well, then, I believe we should get started on the…birthday spankings, yes?”
THE SEA DRAGON DRAGGED CAPTAIN HOLE BACK ONTO THE SHORE, LOOKING FOR A CONVENIENT SPOT THAT WOULDN’T GET SAND INTO EVERY CREVICE HE OWNED. FORTUNATELY, THERE WAS A HUGE CLEARING NEARBY THAT WAS COVERED IN SOFT, MOSSY SPLENDOR.
“You’re supposed to be gone! What happened this time, you forget your tiny little mind, you damn –“
ANDRE CAN WAIT. I’VE GOTTA SEE THIS THROUGH TO THE END. I’M A DEDICATED PROFESSIONAL, AFTER ALL.
“You lying little…is that a camera crew with you??”
PORN; IT’S A GROWTH INDUSTRY. JUST DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY…UKE.
“…..Sango?!”
I’M SORRY, THERE’S NO ONE HERE BY THAT NAME.
“It IS you! Sango, I swear, I will put gum in your hair and bleach your fishbowl and shave your cat and…”
I CHANGED THE LOCKS, YOU LECHER. OKAY, SESSHOUMARU, ONCE YOU GET THAT RIDICULOUS PAIR OF PANTS OFF, COULD YOU AIM HIS CUTE LITTLE ASS AT THE CAMERA?
“Of course.”
“Just a damn minute!”
“Shut up and enjoy it, Captain Asshole. You know you’re going to anyway.”
“I am not! I…oooooh. Holy shit! What the hell did you just… Damn…….”
“Yes?” Pan asked, his fingers running over flushed skin
“……”
“….a little higher, please.”
AND THEY ALL SCREWED LIKE BUNNY RABBITS AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END.
Oh, and for those waiting for Uke: it's coming along. I'm re-reading it to make sure I like how the chapter I'm writing is doing, and in the process I've been editing some. I've only edited up to chap 4, but the Kouga bit in the beginning is a little different now. I'll be updating the other chapters in the next few days and coming out with the new uke chapter soon after, I think!
Warning: Yaoi crack fic, totally. No plot, no sense, no actual sex, just complete silliness. You’ve read my intermissions? Think ‘that’ sort of style, and you’ll be prepared.
Inuyasha - Yaoi Neverland
ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A WHIMSICAL PLACE CALLED NEVER LAND, FILLED WITH MAGICAL CREATURES. THERE WAS A MENAGERIE OF MERMAID, A PLETHORA OF PIXIES, A GROUP OF YOUNG MEN WHO NEVER GREW UP, AND A CREW OF SLIGHTLY OLDER OCEAN-BOUND MEN WHO HAD DESIGNS ON THE YOUNG MEN WHO NEVER GREW UP. OUR STORY, HOWEVER, CONCENTRATES ON THE TWO MEN WHO MOST INFLUENCED THIS SMALL REALM: PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE…
“What?”
…PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE.
“You can’t call me Captain Hole! It’s Captain Hook!”
YOU HAVE A WIND-SUCKING HOLE IN YOUR HAND, MIROKU, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT YOU WERE GOING TO BE CALLED?
“Captain Hook! Just write that it’s a hook and give me the correct name!”
THAT WOULD BE LYING.
“You CAN’T call me Captain Hole! It’s got entirely too many connotations that have nothing to do with being a pirate captain!”
“Hmmm, as in, you like it in the ass?” Peter Pan said, his pale white ears twitching on top of his head as he smirked. “Maybe she should call you captain ‘Asshole’ and make it really obvious.”
“Shut up, Peter. You better just watch your step, because I’m the bad guy in this story, and if I ever get a hold of you, I am going to have you naked and at my mercy so fast…”
“Blah, blah, blah. Like that’ll happen. The Lost boys will kick your ass.”
“The Lost Boys will turn into little pieces of ass, once my pirates get through with them, you…”
AHEM. IF I MIGHT CONTINUE?
Peter Pan and Captain Hole huffed and rolled their eyes.
“Captain ‘Hole’ started it,” Peter Pan muttered.
“No, but I’ll finish it.”
“Ha, I’d like to see you…”
ENOUGH! YOU TWO DON’T SHUT IT, I’M GOING TO PUT SESSHOUMARU IN HERE AS CAPTAIN HOOK AND TRUST ME, HE’LL TAKE YOU BOTH IN THE ASS! NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOLE…
Peter Pan sniggered.
DON’T TEST ME, PAN! CRAP, YOU TWO ARE SO DAMN JUVENILE. ANYWAY, THE TWO ANNOYING LITTLE BRATS WERE CONSTANTLY BATTLING AS THEY ATTEMPTED TO OUTDO EACH OTHER. ONE DAY, CAPTAIN HOLE DISCOVERED THAT PETER PAN HAD BEEN CAUGHT BY THE PIXIE TINKERBELL AS HE MADE OUT WITH ONE OF THE LOST BOYS.
Captain Hole coughed into his hand. “Pervert.”
Peter Pan glared at him and coughed back. “Captain Asshole.”
The narrator glared down from above and contemplated major character death for a moment before she grinned evilly.
CAPTAIN HOLE, KNOWING HOW TRULY PISSY TINKERBELL COULD BE WHEN SHE CAUGHT PAN ACTING LIKE A LECHEROUS PIG…
“Hey!”
…DECIDED HE WOULD CAPTURE THE SMALL, DARK-HAIRED PIXIE AND TRICK HER INTO REVEALING PAN’S WHEREABOUTS SO THAT HE COULD CAPTURE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.
“You know, I never understood that.” Captain Hole said with a frown. “Have you seen the size of this island? I’m here for decades and I can’t come up with a methodical plan to search the entire thing? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Sure it does. You just suck that badly. Or you’re secretly attracted to me and don’t really want me to get hurt.” Pan grinned and flashed his fangs as his amber eyes gleamed.
“I’d rather fuck a stump than you.”
“I’ve heard rumors about knot holes…”
Captain Hole flushed and he scowled. “It was a dryad, not a knot hole, and you know it!”
“Yeah, that’s what YOU say.”
SHUT UP, YOU TWO! OKAY…SHIT, NOW YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PLACE. CRAP. FINE…WE’LL SKIP THAT PART. CAPTAIN HOLE AND HIS FIRST MATE MAKE THEIR WAY TO PETER PAN’S SECRET CAVE…
“Hey, what happened to Hole here having to trick Kag—I mean Tinkerbell!?”
I. SKIPPED. IT. PAY ATTENTION.
“Besides, I would have seduced her, not tricked her,” Captain Hole said with a leer.
“You would have gotten your face slapped is what would have happened.”
“She’s 5 inches tall. Can’t hurt that much.”
“If she’s 5 inches tall, then how would you seduce her, you idiot!?”
“I’m creative. I would of thought of something.”
“You’re an idiot. A lecherous, perverted idiot. And if anyone is going to get seduced, it’s you.”
Captain Hole stared at him. “Excuse me, but what the hell story do you think you’re in? I’M the bad guy here! I get to the do the bad stuff! It’s in my job description!”
Peter Pan sauntered up until he was standing inches from Captain Hole. He smiled with fangs glinting. “This is a fairy story. The bad guys never win.”
The Captain swallowed nervously before he self-consciously adjusted his elaborate, feathered hat and humphed. “We still get to do stuff to the hero.”
Pan snorted.
“We do! Right? Back me up here!”
WELLLLL, NOT EXACTLY.
“What?! But you told me…”
I MAY HAVE EXAGGERATED SLIGHTLY.
“So what do I get to do to him, then?”
ALL WILL BE REVEALED IN TIME.
“What kind of answer is that? If I wanted to wait and find out, I wouldn’t be asking! And you SAID…“
PUT A SOCK IN IT, CAPTAIN HOLE, BEFORE I DECIDE TO FIND A DIFFERENT WAY TO OCCUPY YOUR MOUTH.
Captain Hole shut his mouth with a snap and Pan casually draped his arm over his enemy’s shoulder. “I could help with that, you know.” Claws scratched delicately over cheeks that flushed an angry pink.
The Captain growled and slapped him away. “You’re supposed to be in your hideout, you ass!”
“Maybe I came out to play.
“Oh yeah? Well…Smee! I need some help here!”
SMEE WALKED UP, HIS TAIL SWISHING EAGERLY AS HE GLARED AT PETER PAN.
“Hey, I thought they were supposed to be looking for my hideout!” Peter Pan backed up a step. “When did they suddenly find me??”
WHEN YOU COULDN’T SHUT UP AND GO HIDE LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO. LIVE WITH IT.
“So, what do you want, monk?”
“Captain! It’s Captain!”
“Oh, yeah. Waddaya want? Need somebody to help beat up Dog shit here?”
“I’m Peter Pan, you friggin’ wolf! And I’M the one who’s going to kick your ass all over Japan.
NEVER LAND. YOU’RE IN NEVER LAND, AND HE’S A DAMN PIRATE, NOT A WOLF!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU IDIOTS MAKE IT THROUGH THE INTERVIEWS!
All three males stood awkwardly.
WELL?
Peter Pan cleared his throat. “She had a thing for the ears,” he muttered.
EXCUSE ME?
Pan sighed. “The interviewer. She liked my ears. She said I could have the part if I let her pet my ears.”
“Tail. She wanted to pet my tail,” Smee muttered.
Smee and Pan looked to Captain Hole, who examined his fingernails as he ignored them both.
“So, how’d you get in?” Pan finally asked.
“Talent.”
“Oh bullshit! You can’t act your way out of a paper bag!” Pan growled.
Captain looked up at him, violet eyes twinkling a little. “I didn’t say it was acting talent.”
“You did not!” Smee blurted out, leaning forward and sniffing at him. “Son of a bitch, you did! You still smell like…”
TOO MUCH INFORMATION! DEAR GOD, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! WHAT KIND OF NICKLE AND DIME PRODUCTION IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP? I CANNOT BELIEVE I TURNED DOWN A ROLE IN A DOUJINSHI FOR THIS.
“It’s not our fault you…”
SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE DAMN HELL UP RIGHT NOW, PAN! THIS IS JUST…FUCK IT. EVERYONE WANTS TO TURN THIS INTO A FARCE?
Captain Hole rubbed the beads on his hand nervously. “Uh, we weren’t trying to…”
EVERYONE JUST DOING THEIR OWN THING AND SCREWING UP THE ENTIRE DAMN STORY AND EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE THAT I MEMORIZED JUST SO I COULD DO A GOOD JOB ON THIS, HUH? WELL, FINE. YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT WAY, WE’LL DAMN WELL PLAY THAT WAY!!
“Now, now, there’s no need to get so upset. I’m sure that we could find a way to make you feel better about this situation… Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?” Captain Hole smiled innocently as he sidled closer to the narrator.
OH DEAR GOD, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. THAT IS THE MOST PATHETIC LINE I’VE HEARD IN YEARS.
“Pathetic? That line works very well, I’ll have you know. Almost as well as - “
*SMACK*
DID YOU JUST TRY TO GROPE MY ASS?!
Peter Pan and Smee gaped at the red faced Captain Hole.
“Fuck, Miroku, are you trying to get yourself killed? You don’t grope the Narrrator!”
Captain Hole rubbed his throbbing cheek and shrugged. “She’s a woman. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”
Smee shook his head. “You are doomed, you know that? I cannot believe you’re even still standing, you’re so…”
SMEE STOPPED TALKING AS EVERY BIRD IN THE ISLAND TOOK TO THE AIR. THE THREE MALES LOOKED AROUND NERVOUSLY AS THE SKY DIMMED.
“Uh, what happened to the sun,” Captain Hole whispered nervously.
“How the hell should I know?” Peter Pan whispered back, his ears twitching wildly.
ALL THREE FROZE AS THEY HEARD A FAMILIAR TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK.
“Tick tock? What’s a tick tock?” Smee asked, wrinkling his nose.
“It’s the sound of a clock,” Captain Hole answered, slowly backing away from the lagoon beside him.
“A clock?”
Captain Hole’s face was pale as he continued to retreat form the water. “Yes! Get the hell away from the water!”
Pan and Smee looked at each other and sniggered. “You’re afraid of a clock? What kind of pathetic enemy are you supposed to be? Jeesh, and here I was worried you’d be tough to beat.” Pan shook his head.
Captain Hole snarled at them but didn’t get any closer. “Didn’t you read the script!?”
“Uh, no, not really. Improv is more my thing. You, Smee?”
“Uh uh.”
“It’s not the clock, you idiots, it’s what’s attached to the clock! It’s…”
A LARGE SILVER HAIRED MALE EMERGED FROM THE WATER, A LOUD POCKET WATCH ATTACHED TO HIS WAISTCOAT.
Captain Hole practically wilted in relief. “Oh, it’s just Sesshoumaru. Thank the heavens.”
“Who the hell is he supposed to be?” Pan muttered. “I sure as hell hope I get to kick his ass or something.”
Captain Hole bit his lip, “Actually, I’m not sure. The clock was supposed to be inside a crocodile, not on a silver haired demon in 19th century clothing . I-uh…does the crocodile have a name in the story?”
Smee glared at him. “Why ‘r’ you lookin’ at me? I don’t know this damn story!”
THE SILVER HAIRED MALE GLIDED OUT OF THE WATER TOWARDS THE TRIO OF MORONIC IDIOTS WHO DESERVED EVERY BIT OF PAIN THAT WAS ABOUT TO BE VISITED UPON THEM.
“”What!” Pan snarled. “In a pig’s eye! He’s never won a fight between us yet, and he’s not going to win one now!”
IN A FLASH, PETER PAN PULLED HIS DAGGER FROM HIS SHEATH.
“Dagger? What the hell happened to Tessaiga!? And this isn’t even a real dagger! It’s a butter knife!!”
PETER PAN NEVER WAS VERY BRIGHT.
Captain Hole laughed until a butter knife came flying through the air to smack him in the forehead. “Ow!”
“Huh, that worked better than I thought – ow!” The butter knife made the return trip to Pan’s forehead almost as quickly as it had left.
“You know you two look like idiots, don’t you? Really, -ow! Okay, I’m keeping the damn knife, now! Ha, how d’you like that?”
PAN JUMPED SMEE AND THE TWO OF THEM ROLLED ON THE GROUND, WRESTLING OVER THEIR ONLY WEAPON, WHILE THE TERROR OF THE SEA TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO DRAW WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE.
“Terror of the sea?” Catptain Hole asked, backing away from the clock toting male heading his way in a deadly glide. “Uh, why is he the terror of the sea?”
YOU HAVE THE ONLY SHIP AROUND, AND YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF HIM, AREN’T YOU?
Sesshoumaru smiled, and Captain Hole gulped. “Uh, yes, actually, now that you mention it, that was pretty terrifying right there.”
SYMOBLISM, CAPTAIN HOLE. YOU’RE THE SEA AND HE’S YOUR TERROR. LOGICAL, EASY, AND YOU STILL GET TO PAY. OH, BY THE WAY? THE SEA DRAGON THERE LIKES TO PLAY A LITTLE…ROUGH.
Captain Hole’s voice was small and thin, almost drowned out by the snarling of Pan and Smee as they continued rolling on the ground. “Rough?”
OH, SO SORRY, I’VE GOTTA RUN NOW! TOOK ME A MONTH TO GET AN APPOINTMENT WITH ANDRE; YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES WITH US ‘GIRLS,’ CAPTAIN HOLE, DON’T YOU?
“You can’t leave!”
DON’T WORRY, I’LL BE BACK SOON. AN HOUR OR TWO AT MOST. PLENTY OF TIME TO ENJOY YOURSELVES BEFORE I GET BACK.
The amber eyed Sea Dragon smiled again. “Most definitely.”
“No! We can’t leave the story until you let us out! Come back!
TA TA NOW! HAVE FUN!
“I’m sorry, all right! So sorry to have touched your august person. I apologize! Narrator? Hello? Oh Narrator!”
The Sea Dragon snagged the feather had from Captain Hole’s head, looked at it a moment, and tossed it to the side. “What a ridiculous accessory.”
“Hey, I liked that hat! It made me look sexy!”
“Nudity is sexy,” Silver hair swayed as the terror of the sea took another step closer and Captain Hole held up his hands.
“Ohhhh no you don’t! You’re not even a real character in this story! The narrator was just in a bitchy mood and…”
I HEARD THAT.
“I – but- you left!”
FORGOT MY PURSE. I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO FEEL TOO LONELY WITHOUT ME, THOUGH, WOULD I? SINCE I’M SUCH A BITCH AND ALL…
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! It was sudden onset Turets, I swear!”
PAN AND SMEE STOPPED FIGHTING AND WERE BOTH SUDDENLY STRUCK BY THE FACT THAT THE WORST VILLAIN IN NEVERLAND HAD NEVER ACTUALLY PARTICIPATED IN AN ORGY.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever…”
“We really should take care of that,” Pan said conversationally.
“It’s like a villain rite of passage or something, isn’t it?” Smee mused, nodding his agreement.
“Only if the villain is on top!” Captain Hole yelled out, his violet eyes glaring. “You willing to bottom, you two jerks!? Well? Are you??”
“You know, I am deeply sorry for all the shit I put that narrator through,” Peter Pan said in a sad, regretful voice.
“Me too. Feel like shit about it. Really,” Smee agreed.
“You damn kiss asses don’t really think that…”
PETER PAN AND SMEE, HAVING MATURED REMARKABLY WITHIN THE SPAN OF A FEW MINUTES, RECALLED THAT CAPTAIN HOLE HAD AN ABSOLUTE PHOBIA ABOUT TOPPING, AND WERE DETERMINED TO SPARE HIM THAT PARTICULAR AGONY.
“You lie! Liar, liar, LIAR! I am not afraid of topping ever, you cold-hearted, vindictive…”
ALL OF CAPTAIN HOLE’S WHINING REMINDED PETER PAN THAT IT WAS ALSO THE GOOD CAPTAIN’S BIRTHDAY, AND HE HADN’T YET RECEIVED HIS BIRTHDAY SPANKINGS YET.
Peter Pan rubbed his hands together. “Oh yeah, baby. This is gonna be great!”
“No! You both back off and…Sesshoumaru! Let go of my arm right now, Sesshoumaru! I mean it! The three of you can just forget it! Seriously, back the hell off!” There was a splashing sound as Captain Hole tried to back away and ended up ankle deep in the lagoon.
The Sea Dragon and Peter Pan looked at each other, and the water, and then the dark haired Captain Hole between them. They both started grinning.
“Shall we share?” The Sea Dragon asked, and Peter Pan started laughing.
“Oh hell yes!”
“Hey, that’s a different damn story entirely! That is NOT this story! NOT! Get away! And you, Smee, you traitorous bastard, you’re supposed to be on MY side! You’re my first mate, dammit!”
“Hey, dog breath, need another Lost Boy or something?”
“Well, you do have the dressed in fur part down. I think you could fit in okay. Sure. Welcome to the life of beer, wine, and screwing a little pirate ass now and then.”
“Mutiny! This is mutiny! You stupid…”
Smee shrugged, even as his blue eyes gleamed brightly while he and Peter Pan came within touching distance of the flustered captain. “Hey, it’s just me for now. Be glad I don’t let the rest of the crew in on this.”
Captain Hole’s eyes dilated.
“I think I saw Jakotsu and Bankotsu making out in the casting room before we all came in. Maybe they made it in as pirates. I’m sure they’d just love to participate.
“Shut up! Just shut up! I can’t believe you bastards! Didn’t you get enough fucking around the last story?!”
The Sea Dragon grabbed his other arm to keep him still and spoke slowly. “Is there such a thing as enough fucking around?”
“Hell no.” Peter Pan shook his head adamantly.
“I sure as hell haven’t heard of it.” Smee said.
“Well, then, I believe we should get started on the…birthday spankings, yes?”
THE SEA DRAGON DRAGGED CAPTAIN HOLE BACK ONTO THE SHORE, LOOKING FOR A CONVENIENT SPOT THAT WOULDN’T GET SAND INTO EVERY CREVICE HE OWNED. FORTUNATELY, THERE WAS A HUGE CLEARING NEARBY THAT WAS COVERED IN SOFT, MOSSY SPLENDOR.
“You’re supposed to be gone! What happened this time, you forget your tiny little mind, you damn –“
ANDRE CAN WAIT. I’VE GOTTA SEE THIS THROUGH TO THE END. I’M A DEDICATED PROFESSIONAL, AFTER ALL.
“You lying little…is that a camera crew with you??”
PORN; IT’S A GROWTH INDUSTRY. JUST DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY…UKE.
“…..Sango?!”
I’M SORRY, THERE’S NO ONE HERE BY THAT NAME.
“It IS you! Sango, I swear, I will put gum in your hair and bleach your fishbowl and shave your cat and…”
I CHANGED THE LOCKS, YOU LECHER. OKAY, SESSHOUMARU, ONCE YOU GET THAT RIDICULOUS PAIR OF PANTS OFF, COULD YOU AIM HIS CUTE LITTLE ASS AT THE CAMERA?
“Of course.”
“Just a damn minute!”
“Shut up and enjoy it, Captain Asshole. You know you’re going to anyway.”
“I am not! I…oooooh. Holy shit! What the hell did you just… Damn…….”
“Yes?” Pan asked, his fingers running over flushed skin
“……”
“….a little higher, please.”
AND THEY ALL SCREWED LIKE BUNNY RABBITS AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END.