Do You Have What it Takes to be Screwed in the Ass

A/N Totally for fun. Another 'what do the Inuyasha Characters really think' ficlet for you. Totally cracked...with a little smut, but I should warn you. The smut doesn't conclude here...that's for the next one, 'cause this one looks like it's actually a two-shot. Yes, this LOOKS like I'm mucking around and not working on my other stories, but it's a lie, I tell ya!

Heh, just using this to help me get in the groove and all.

Warnings: hmmm, HJ, voyeurism...and licking, ha.


Do You Have What it Takes to be Screwed in the Ass?

Inuyasha, Miroku, and Kouga sat on the couch trying to watch impressive sword fighting combine with emo and special powers to vanquish evil. Sesshoumaru lounged on the floor in front of them, attempting the same task with just as little success.

A gale of laughter cut off another plot revealing moment and Inuyasha growled under his breath. Rearing up onto his knees, he turned to look over the back of the couch and snarled at the two women jabbering like magpies on speed.

“Will you two shut the fuck up! We’re trying to watch ‘Heroes!’ Holy crap, how the hell am I supposed to find out what that rat bastard Syler is doing if you keep yakkin’ like this???”

“Oh put a sock in it,” Kagome said. “It’s Tivo’d, you dork. It’s not like you can’t rewind it.”

“We shouldn’t have to! We were here first, dammit. You could show a little common courtesy, ya know!”

Sango and Kagome exchanged a glance.

“So, Inuyasha, “ Kagome said in a suddenly casual tone of voice. “Do you enjoy licking things?”

“Wha-? What has that got to do with anything? I tell you to shut it and you ask me about licking? Crap, what the hell’s wrong with you?!”

Sango and Kagome started guffawing.

“I told you! I told you he’d say that!” Kagome squealed.

“I know!” Sango fell onto her back, laughing so hard she had tears streaming down her face.

“All right, what the fuck is going on???” Inuyasha grabbed the remote and pressed pause, ignoring Kouga and Miroku’s complaining and his brother’s irritated glare. “What’s so damned funny?”

Kagome and Sango waved their hands in front of their faces as they tried to catch their breath. “I’m sorry, we’re just…Oh God, I can’t believe you actually SAID it! Wait, gimme a second.” Kagome took a few more deep breaths as she sat up and finally gestured to the laptop on the floor in front of her.

“We just…” she giggled again. “ We found a quiz that we took for you guys, that’s all,” she smiled at Sango as Inuyasha rolled his eyes.

“Great. What, it’s one of those joke quizzes or something? What the hell is it about?”

Sango looked at Miroku and smiled evilly. “Are you a Seme or an Uke? That’s what it’s called.”

“Uke? Is that like a type of uzi or something? Oh, will you just shut it and tell me!” Inuyasha growled as Sango and Kagome started laughing again.

“It’s a quiz about sex, Inuyasha. The girls are taking quizzes about sex for us.” Miroku said, coming around to sit next to the girls and try to peek unsuccessfully at their computer screen.

“Sex? You’re talking about sex? What’s so damn funny about sex?” Inuyasha snorted as both Kouga and Sesshoumaru walked around the couch as well.

“Hey! What about Heroes?!”

Sesshoumaru shook his head. ‘You’re the one who paused it in the first place. You can’t complain now that we’ve developed an interest in the subject as well.”

“Well….crap.” Inuyasha grouched and got up to join them. “So you still haven’t answered. What the hell are you talking about sex for?”

Miroku smiled slyly as he finally caught a glimpse of the laptop’s screen. “Actually, I believe they’re talking about ‘gay’ sex.”

Ears lowering, Inuyasha growled again. “Gay sex? They were talking about us and gay sex! Fucking A, do you know how many god damned fan girls make me gay?? Do you?! I am NOT gay!”

“Don’t they always say where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Miroku asked innocently, and coughed as Inuyasha punched him in the gut.

“THEY are fucked in the head!”

“Don’t you mean fucked in the ass?” Miroku corrected in a choked voice, and he fell back to avoid being hit again.

“This isn’t funny! I’m tired of always being gay!”

Kouga snorted. “You’re tired of being gay? Wow, and all this time I thought you were straight. Stupid me.”

“Shut. Up.” Inuyasha glared at them all before crossing his hands over his chest and staring hard at Kagome. “All right, spill it, what’s this damn quiz about.”

“We told you: Are you a Seme or an Uke?”

“Like that means jack shit to me?”

Miroku cleared his throat, leaning over now that he’d pulled himself off the floor to sit against the backside of the couch. “It means: do you top or do you bottom?”

Inuyasha’s face flamed and he glared at them. “Oh, that’s just great. You made me a fucking bottom and you’re laughing about it, is that it?”

Kagome grinned. “Actually, you were the ‘Don’t Fuck With Me’ Seme.”

After a pause, Inuyasha sat up a little straighter. “I was? Well…maybe the damn test ain’t so stupid after all. ‘Don’t fuck with me,’ huh? That’s pretty cool…although that still doesn’t say why you’re laughing so hard.”

“It’s just so you!” Sango said, giggling. “They really do have a question about whether you like licking things. And one of the responses is: What’s the hell’s wrong with you! It’s SO you.”

Inuyasha flushed uncomfortably. “It might be a cool test, but that doesn’t mean it’s all me.”

“Oh really? Here, let me find a few…” Kagome scrolled on he screen and smiled as she looked up. “Okay…What kind of shoes do you wear?”

“I go barefoot, of course.”

Kagome nodded to herself.

“Would you feel guilty for taking advantage of someone?”

“Hell no. Shit happens.”

“Uh huh. Well, how do you eat your ice cream?”

“Ice cream? Uh….in a cone? What the hell kinda lame questions are these?”

“You’ll see…Oh, here’s one that I’m gonna tweak a bit…Remember last week when we ate out and the waiter brought out a totally wrong order for you? What did you do?”

“Huh? They brought me the wrong food? I never notice shit like that, you know that.”

“How about the most important one: do you usually find yourself on top or bottom?”

“What? Are you trying to be a wiseass or something? I’m the…”

“Bottom. He’s usually the bottom. Under me.” Sesshoumaru interrupted, smirking at him.

Inuyasha threw him a superior look. “Hey, I’m the ‘Don’t fuck with me’ seme, remember? So don’t fuck with me !” Inuyasha flipped him the bird at the same time and glared back at the girls. “This is still the lamest thing I’ve ever heard in my life, and there is no way… What are you doing?”

The laptop screen was turned his way and Kagome pointed to the questions she’d asked him. “There, look at the answers.”

“Oh fine. Not like it’s gonna…woah. What the hell’s wrong with you. Shit happens. In a cone….never notice…wiseass! Shit, you’re right! They do have me in there! “ he glared at them suspiciously as he looked at one. “Wait a second…you assholes all got together and punk’d me, didn’t you. Maybe I woulda bought it, but…this one’s going too far. Come on: my favorite accessory is a cool boar tooth necklace that I won in a poker game? There is no way some random quiz would have that in there. You guys made this up.”

Kagome and Sango held up their right hands. “We swear we had nothing to do with it.” They looked at each other and giggled. “But we’re really enjoying it!!”

Sesshoumaru cleared his throat. “So…did you do all of us, or was Inuyasha the only one you experimented with?”

Sango smiled slyly. “We did you all.”

Miroku smirked back. “Really? You did us all? Sango, you slut.”

Sango took the slur with equanimity. “Miroku, we all know who’s the slut around here, and he sure as hell isn’t me. Slut boy.”

“Getting back to my question?” Sesshoumaru interrupted.

“Oh hell, they don’t even have to tell us what YOU are. I can guess that one in two seconds flat. Sesshoumaru is the Geek Seme.”

“Excuse me?” Sesshoumaru glared at Inuyasha and his brother snorted.

“Whoops, take that back. He’s a total uke.”

Sesshoumaru’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “I have rarely, if ever, played uke. And even if I did, I could still defeat you without breaking a sweat.”

“You are SO uke, and every fan girl and boy secretly knows it. It’s in almost every story you’re in, idiot.”

“You are insane.”

“No I’m not. What do they always say about you? Sesshoumaru and the ‘stick up his ass.’ Uke reference, totally.”

Kouga and Miroku started choking, Miroku holding himself up by wrapping his arm around Kouga’s shoulder until Inuyasha went over and pushed him off. “Cut it out! Jeez, sometimes I wonder if you really are gay.”

Miroku batted his eyes at him. “Oh? Are you that hopeful I’ll return your affections?”

“Huh? “ There was a blank golden stare before Inuyasha smacked him in the head. “Don’t be a moron.”

“Ahem!” Sesshoumaru glared. “I am still waiting for my answer.”

Kagome smiled at him. “Mmmmm, you were the Sadistic Seme.”

Sesshoumaru smiled. “Is that right? I suppose the test might have some validity to it, after all.”

Inuyasha cough cursed into his hand. “Bull shit.”

“Simply because I happen to have a superior version of Seme to yours….”

“Oh you do not! Don’t fuck with me, remember? What’s yours? I like to tie up little pretty boys and rape them. How lame.”

“I don’t believe bondage or pedophilia was mentioned,” Sesshoumaru said slowly. “Do you perhaps have something about your sex life that you’d like to tell us, Inuyasha?”

Inuyasha flushed wildly. “I am so going to kick your ass…”

“Nor do I recall you being the ‘Kick your Ass’ Seme. Are you certain yours isn’t more of the ‘Please Don’t Fuck With Me’ Seme?”

“Asshole, you are…”

“Hey, put a hold on the brotherly love ‘til I get my turn, eh?” Kouga snarked, looking to the girls. “So what am I?”

Kagome bit her lip and giggled again. “Maybe I should read it to you…ahem…
‘You are the seme in disguise. Able to fit in and get along with uke and seme alike, you are able to get close to the uke on their level before exerting your dominance. This makes you at times manipulative and able to fool others about your true seme nature. Because of your harmless appearance, it takes the flamboyantly gay Flaming Uke to really bring out your aggressive side and expose you for the seme that you are.’ So that’s what yours said.”

Kouga glared while Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, and Miroku started laughing.

“Seme in disguise? The Flaming Uke for a partner! HA. I knew you were a weenie!”

“Shut up, mutt! This can’t be right at all! Lemme see that.”

“Kouga, don’t be rude!” Kagome slapped his hand away and his tail drooped a moment as she glared at him. Inuyasha yanked the laptop out of her hands immediately and sat down, looking the screen.

He started laughing and slapped his leg. “HA, OMG, you’re not the Seme in Disguise, it’s called the ‘Chibi Seme!’ Buahahaha. Chibi Kouga!”

“You’re a fucking liar, let me see that!” Kouga abandoned his place by Kagome and crawled over to Inuyasha to look at the screen. “What the fuck…he’s right! You can’t make me a… a chibi! I’m not chibi! If anyone’s a damn chibi seme, it would be Shippou! I should be a ‘Don’t Fuck with Me’ Seme too!”

“Guess you just don’t have what it takes,” Inuyasha taunted.

“Shut up! Come on, go back a page. What answers did they put in for me??”

Inuyasha pressed a button and they both started reading.

They nodded a few times before Kouga frowned. “What the hell is this? They ask about alcohol and my answer is supposed to be ‘Yes. I’m drunk right now, thank you.’ I’m not drunk!”

Miroku snickered. “Well, considering how much bullshit you spout the second you see a girl you like, you’d HAVE to be drunk, wouldn’t you? Or should I be saying every time you see a Flaming Gay Uke you like.”

“Shut up! It’s a stupid answer. I’m changing it.” He continued reading a second. “What? I do not drive a bicycle! I’ve got a Honda!”

Inuyasha read the entire answer and started to laugh. “Oh crap, this is SO you.”

“What?!”

“The bicycle thing…you didn’t read it all. Here, Miroku, you gotta hear this. He drives a ‘bicycle, which I use to run over innocent bystanders!’ Oh God…” Miroku and Sesshoumaru started laughing as well.

“What is your problem!?? It wasn’t my fault the stupid thing got out of control! That hill was huge! And I only knocked over a couple people, for crying out loud.”

Sango giggled some more. “You were banned from the city for two whole weeks, Kouga! As a public menace!”

“Oh fine…they don’t have Honda as a response, anyway. But I still don’t think it’s me and…what the hell! You said I like to wear cat ears and a tail???? I’m a WOLF demon, not a CAT demon!!”

“Well, they didn’t have anything else with a tail. And you’d look really cute in cat ears, Kouga.” Kagome said sweetly, and he paused, flushing as she looked at him.

“You think so?” he muttered, rubbing the tip of his ear.

“Gag me.” Inuyasha made a face. “Okay, come on, let’s get this over with: what’s the lech? Do they have a Lecherous Seme? Or a Pervert Seme?”

“Very funny. I’m probably the Suave Seme, or the Handsome and Debonair Seme. Perhaps even the Sexual God Seme.”

“The Biggest Swelled Head in the World Seme.” Inuyasha continued.

Miroku smiled back serenely. “The biggest swelled head in the world? Why Inuyasha, have you been watching me masturbate again? Honestly, I’m flattered, but…ow.” Miroku rubbed his head. “You always go for the head, don’t you?”

“Be glad it’s the one you use the least, pervert.” Miroku covered his privates instinctively. “All right, dammit, where’d they put your results. Oh, here they are. You’re the….buahahahahahahahahaha. HA! Serves your right!”

Miroku didn’t have to move as Inuyasha turned the computer around and pointed to the answers on the screen. “HA! You’re the ‘Dramatic Uke!’ You get to take it in the ass, hentai boy!”

“What? That’s ridiculous. Here, give me that.”

Kagome and Sango snickered together. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“What?” Miroku muttered, distracted as he looked through the quiz.

“That you’re the perfect match for Sesshoumaru,” Sango sang out, and Miroku froze, shivered, and kept reading.

“Touch me and the sutras fly below the belt, Sesshoumaru,” he said quickly. Sesshoumaru slumped back against the couch.

“Well that takes some of the fun out of it. And here I thought we could relive old times…”

“There’s no old times. That was a chapter! One, porn filled chapter! That’s it!”

Inuyasha started tapping his fingers. “Actually, I think it was four chapters. Four chapters and…hmmm…five orgams?”

“I believe so.” Sesshoumaru said, and they both stared at Miroku’s back as he stiffened.

“You had better not be staring at my back, and you had really, really better not be thinking about any part of my body that’s not involving martial arts and ass kickings.”

“Well, I’m certain the thought of ‘ass’ was in there somewhere,” Sesshoumaru murmured.

Miroku swiveled and looked back at them. “You two go out of your way to deny being gay; you can’t suddenly be thinking sexual thoughts about me and not be gay, dammit!”

Inuyasha looked at him another moment. “I might be okay bein’ bi. And, well, you have a really fine ass, Miroku.”

“Indeed. It’s quite a tight fit.”

Inuyasha licked his lips. “Yeah. You can take a cock so well it’s like your ass was made for it or something.”

“Can you guys shut up? I’ve never even had a chance to try out his ass.” Kouga’s voice was petulant. “I only got to feel him up a bit. It really sucked. Get me all hot and horny and then leave me hanging. Pretty low, Miroku.”

“It was the author.” Miroku ground out. “And just stop talking about my ass, will you?! I am not a damn uke!”

Everyone exchanged glances. “Personally, I only remember him bein’ on the bottom. You?”

Kouga nodded. “He’s never topped in one single story. The author likes Miroku to take it in the ass just as much as he does.”

“Well, he has topped once.” Sesshoumaru corrected.

“Thank you!” Miroku nodded, starting to look smug until Sesshoumaru’s next words.

“Of course, it was the ronin trying to top him, so does that really count? Topping yourself? And if it’s never fully completed… Hmmm, I retract my statement. He’s an uke. Always.”

Miroku glared as Inuyasha looked to Kouga.

“You really gotta try him someday. Seriously. The inside of Miroku’s ass is like dick heaven, swear to God. And the sounds he makes when you take him? Man…”

Miroku scowled at them, flushing furiously. “Drop. It.” He scowled back at the computer. “We’ll damn well take care of this, right now.” He typed in a few new answers and hit the submit button. “There, now we’ll see what I really….god dammit!”

Inuyasha yoinked the computer out of his hands instantly and took a look. “Hah! You’re still an uke! The Badass Uke…ooooh, wait, isn’t that the one I get? See, even the computer thinks I should get a piece of your ass.”

“No it doesn’t! That’s leftover from the stupid author fucking with your head!”

“With the kinds of orgasms she makes for me, she can fuck with my head this way any time she wants to.” Inuyasha put the computer on the floor and crawled over to Miroku as the monk scooted away on his butt.

“Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing?! You’re not gay! What are you…stop it!”

Inuyasha grabbed a hold of Miroku’s pants and tore them in two. “Oh, someone went commando today, huh? Nice…” Inuyasha’s hand glomped onto Miroku’s thigh as he started to crawl over him.

“What? No I didn’t! I had boxers! I…oh son of a bitch! She’s here! The fucking author is here! She’s totally messing everything up! You don’t really want this, Inuyasha! She’s putting thoughts into your head! It’s not you! Really…eeeep, don’t touch that, you perverted…oooh, fuck, that’s good. No, I didn’t mean that! No…I hate this, really! Really, I do!”

Sesshoumaru’s voice came from the side of them and Miroku looked up at him in shock. “It looks pretty damn hot from where I’m standing.” He reached down snagged Miroku’s shirt in his claws, splitting the seams as he yanked at it.

“No! It’s not! Fight the author, dammit! She… she…”

“She’s not the one who can’t think when I give your cock a little squeeze, you uke.”

“Shut up!” Miroku panted. “I’m not! Stop it! It’s…oh, God, it’s amazing… No! There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”

Inuyasha laughed at him. “Home is seated to the hilt up your ass, monk.”

“What? S-see! S-see! You’d never say something like that! You’d never…aaaah. AAAAH…”

Miroku’s head whipped back and forth and he could barely focus until Kouga’s voice slid over him. “You really do look good with Inuyasha’s hand around your dick. And I never got to try you out at all. I don’t think that’s fair.”

“F-fair! F-fair!! Who the hell cares about f- Get your finger out of there, Inuyasha, you god damn…nnnnnnnnnnnnnng, oh my GOD! NO! You d-d-d-don’t really waaaaaaaa….” Miroku’s eyes rolled back in his head a moment as Sesshoumaru latched on to one of his nipples while Inuyasha slipped another finger inside.

“Holy Fuck. How did I not fuck the ever lovin’ crap out of you when I had you in that cave? I musta been a freaking idiot,” Kouga muttered, and he leaned down to kiss Miroku brutally as the man tried to protest again.


Kagome and Sango sat unnoticed beside the group and Kagome turned and gave Sango a silent fangirl high five as they both crept quietly to the edge of the room.

“I will never doubt your clout with the author again.” Sango whispered as they gathered supplies.

Kagome grinned. “I know, that worked like a charm. Now where’d you put the video camera…”


TBC…


Post A/N
Wonderful credit goes to the great quiz that inspired this!

( http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/testgen/4856/ )

Yes, it really does have the "Don't Fuck with me" Seme, the Sadistic Seme, the Chibi Seme, the dramatic Uke, and the badass uke. The Chibi Seme description is quoted, and the questions and answers (the real ones, not the mocking ones) were from this entertaining quiz as well.

And just for reference, if you play Miroku more to his true self, he's the Romantic Seme. But not when I get to write the results!