Gotta Get Thru This

Gotta Get Thru This

Fanfic By: God of Insanity aka Goku the paladin aka bbeb

Summary: InuTaishou and Sesshoumaru deal with the sudden tragic deaths of Inuyasha and Izayoi; InuTaishou's inner dog demon longs for a new mate and Sesshoumaru is undeniably in love with his father... InuTai/Sess

Pairing: InuTaishou/Sesshoumaru

Warning: AU,Yaoi, M/M, INC, Character Deaths, Minor, Anal, Oral, Solo, Attempted suicide, Cutting, etc...

A/N: I know I haven't been updating in AGES, and I do apologize. I do not have to explain myself, but I will to my fans/reviewers: During this past year, many problems have arisen, such as problems with family and friends, moving from Texas to Florida, school, and etc etc. Plus, my brother is a comp hog. I have never stopped writing though. I have some chapters written or typed, and I still have been working on things, I swear. And due to me being in school and now having a job, I will not be updating as much as I used to, but I will TRY to update as much as possible, I promise. I WILL eventually finish ALL my fanfics, or try to. Anywhos...

One day an idea occured to me to write a consensual InuTaishou/Sesshoumaru fanfic. I have a fanfic or two that is noncon InuTaishou/Sesshoumaru, but isn't finished yet, as most of my fics are. And so I always wanted to see more of this InuTaishou, and I have seen some rape fics of him and Sesshoumaru, which are very good, btw. Although rape isn't something that turns me on. But I wanted to write something in the modern era, Alternate Universe, of course, where InuTaishou and Sesshoumaru become...well, more than just father and son.

And another note, this fic will be in third person point of view, this prologue is the only exception to that. The first person in this prologue is only so the reader can see more clearly how much the character is being affected.

Disclaimer(s): "Gotta Get Thru This" is the name of a great song by Daniel Bedingfield, and I do not stake claim on it, for its name and lyrics is only soley to entertain, not to steal or make a profit off of it. The same goes for Rumiko's Inuyasha characters.


Prologue: The Long Dark


(Sesshoumaru POV)


Darkness and silence feeds the negative force that eats away at my weary, troubled soul. I'm in turmoil; I just don't know what to do. What do you do when you can't cry anymore? What do you do when you're bombarded by so much pain, so much depression? What do you do...to live once more?

As I lie in my bed, alone and in despair, the darkness both comforting and tense, I muse quietly to myself. A myriad of questions always assaults my mind and I never get any answers. Theories, maybe, but no answers. I desperatelt want, no need someone to help me. I need someone to hold me in their warm, strong arms and tell me everything is going to be all right, that the pain will go away. I need someone...to love me.

I'm in so much emotional and mental agony; I feel as if slowly, someone or something is draining my life force away. Yeah, I'm one depressed puppy, all right. When I'm not depressed, I feel hollow inside. I feel so empty, so damn cold. Numb, so numb...

I don't know which is worse. The depression makes me feel like I'm dying, yet feeling nothing makes me feel as if I am already dead. They are both utterly horrible, I assure you.

Death makes me so angry, so very afraid. It takes everything away from me: my mother, my half brother, and even my step-mother. Yes, I even cared for the silly hanyou and his kind, human mother.

My mother died about twenty years ago, by a bullet to her head. It had to, oh, I just had asked her that very fateful day to get me some candy. Candy. Fucking bloody candy. My mother was killed in a robbery at a local gas station. Apparently, she wouldn't give those vile human men her very valuable silver necklace that I had given to her seven years ago. She had always worn that necklace...always...

Its my fault she's dead. If I hadn't insisted on some stupid candy, she's still be alive. The guilt never stops eating me alive. It should have been me, not her. I should have died instead. Of course, no one knows how I feel. Everyone thinks that I simply grieve for my mother. They do not tell me its my fault she died nor do they tell me its not my fault. In my mind, its my fault. In my mind, I killed her myself and I hate myself all the more for it.

I haven't touched candy ever since. I never will.

A week ago, Inuyasha and Izayoi died in a car accident. Well, Izayoi instantly died, but like my mother, Inuyasha did not die until days later. I suppose its the sole fact that the youkai are stronger than the ningen. My poor, young brother had died a slow, painful death. There was nothing no healer, no doctor could do for him. Even father himself could do nothing.

I had loved my little brother, despite how incredibly jealous I was when InuTaishou obviously favored him. No, I am not dilusional, for father would spend much more time with the hanyou than me. He would hug the boy constantly and play with him all the time, when he wasn't at work. Why? Well, I guess I was never worthy enough in my father's eyes.

Even though I was a bit distant with my hanyou brother, I still loved him. I even loved his human mother, for she reminded me of my own. Izayoi had been a kind and gentle woman, pure and strong in her own ways.

Father is all I have left now. Its so hard to sleep knowing he may die too soon, like the rest. Thats what truly depresses me the most, I must admit. He is the only family I have left, now.

There is a sick, selfish, and primal beast in me somewhere that's pleased, almost overjoyed that I have the great Inu No Taishou all to myself.

But why? Why does a small part of myself feel that way?

Hell if I know, as Inuyasha would say.

~*~*~*~*~*~

(InuTaishou POV)

I know he's in his room right now, wide awake and thinking, as usual. I know some of his thoughts and feelings. We were once a pack, but now we are only two. The loss is more than I, myself can bear. I've lost two mates in my lifetime and one pup. If not for my remaining first pup, I would have probably gone insane or ended my own life. To leave Sesshoumaru all alone in this dark world would be cruel and selfish, not to mention very unfartherly of me. And oh, how I tried to be a father to my pups, especially to Sesshoumaru.

My thoughts bring me to my oldest son once again.

I don't know what to do to help him. I cannot even help myself. All I know is somehow I must get us through this. We may eventually get through this, but will we ever get over it? In both my mind and my heart, I believed that this was something no one could ever get over.

I remember when his mother died and how he had cried every night. It had been a minor surprise to me because Sesshoumaru had never once cried a day in his life, not even in birth, until the very day he felt the agonizing loss of his mother's death. It was perfectly understandable, though, and natural for him to shed tears after such a traumatic event.

Night after night, as he cried, I would enter his room silently. I would walk over to him, get into his bed and pull him soundly into my arms and rock him to sleep. It had been a very fatherly way to comfort my son and it had worked.

But I am not so sure it will work this time around. He never cries anymore; he just shuts the entire world out and stays alone in his room. All I ever hear every night is gentle breathing; the restless, rustling of blankets; soft sighs; and an even, steady heartbeat. And when he's awake, all I hear is slow pacing as he probably ponders things; grunts and thumps as he excersizes his body. More often though, he'll have his music on, never too loud and never too soft.

The alpha dog demon inside of me, so very wolf-like, growls low; the inu wants to protect its pup. The inu has lost another mate, and it greives so. Even though my inner inu youkai has lost a mate recently, it longs for another mate. So to say, it both wanted desperately to help my son and to acquire a new mate.

I find myself out of bed, wandering the long, cold, and dark halls. The demon in me drags me towards his room, while I wish to go anywhere but there. Even so, I oblige its desire and slip soundlessly into his pitch black room. My eyes easily slice through the darkness to land upon his fair form. He is laying on his side, his bare backside to me, thankfully a thin, red and white sheet covered his lower half. By his breathing pattern, he appears to be sleeping...

I smell blood and I freeze.

The inu youkai inside me growls loudly, protectively as it recognizes the blood as its pup's. With a swift, precise lunge, I land on his bed beside him. I pull him towards me, facing me. His eyes are closed and his full lips are parted slightly. I shake him slightly, disturbed by the blood that stains his sheets. He awakens slowly and blinks, looking up at me. Startled, he tries to twist out of my arms, but I grasp him more tighly. I, being the alpha, and being the more dominant, stronger inu youkai, keep him firmly restrained in my strong arms.

"Sesshoumaru, who did this to you?" I ask softly, my eyes not failing to notice the claw-like slashes that flaw his perfect, porecelain-like arms.

He looks away from me, his eyes downcast in obvious shame. "I did."

"Why?!" I growl angrilly, unintentionally sounding harsher and louder than I wanted to. I notice him flinch, but otherwise, he says nothing at all. I am frustrated and I am worried about him. His self-inflicted wounds were very deep and if left untreated, he would die.

Instinct kicked in and I forced him to lat flat on his back. I straddled his hips and pinned his arms down. With a sigh, I lean over and l lick his blood away from his right arm slowly, making sure my saliva was in his wounds. Despite his squirming and writhing below me, I keep him pinned down. When I am sure I had done my best, I moved to the left arm, cleaned it, and made sure it would heal with my saliva. With a pleased look, I watch as his wounds are already healing.

"F-father..." He stammers, but trails off as he sees the sharp look I throw at him. He bites his bottom lip and submissively lays still for me, his alpha.

"Do not speak." I merely say as I briefly examine his body for any other self-made wounds. Fortunately, he had only clawed at his own arms. I sigh again and continue to sit on him, wondering just how to punish him. But then again, should he even be punished? Maybe...this was a message, or a cry for help? Afterall, his brother and step-mother have just died so recently ago. I know he always claims he hates them so, but I know, oh, I know he cared for them so deeply. Maybe not as deeply as he had his own mother, but close enough.

"You may speak now." I say quietly, my amber orbs staring him directly in the eye. He stares right back at me for a short while, but averts his eyes as a submissive bitch would. He does not say anything.

"Explain yourself, Sesshoumaru." I demand, my voice softer.

"I...gomen, f-father, gomen..." He mutters sincerely and I know he means it, but its not what I want to hear right now.

"No, tell me why you did this to yourself." I grip him by the shoulders and lean forward, my face inches from his. My silver hair hides both our faces from view and if someone were to come in now, they would believe that I was kissing my own pup! I hear him gulp and he tries not to stare me in the eye.

"I...I...it...just, it...got so much...I could not bear it...any longer. I did not...know what to do, father, I did not know what to do! I am...rotting inside...I am dying! I cannot...I cannot bear it...anymore. I cannot even cry for them! I feel...so hopeless...so worthless...I feel as if life has...eluded me once more. Father...gomen...but...I am of...no use. I am...useless, I am...weak. Gomen, father, gomen...I am a failure...to you..." He tries to explain to me between stammers and stutters. I do not fail to miss the great emotional intensity in both his words and his body.

With a deep sigh, I get off of him. I pull him into my lap, holding him in my muscular, strong arms. I also do not fail to notice how he wraps his arms around my large frame and how he buries his face into my chest. He needs this. He needs this as much or even more than he needed all those years ago. This is no fault of his, it is my fault. I did not comfort him, I did not give him the attention he desperately needs.

"Sesshoumaru..." I mumble, waiting for him to look at me. Sure enough, his golden eyes look up at mine, as a obedient beta would. The inu youkai inside me grins, satisfied with this submissive pup.

"You are not worthless, my son. You are not a failure to me, nor to anyone else. And nor are you useless, Sesshoumaru." I tell him firmly, yet gently. I cup his face with one hand and lean forward, kissing his forehead. I move my face and nuzzle his ear, trying to show him as much affection as I can muster. I hear him purr, which sounds strange to my ears, since he is a inu youkai, but then again, Sesshoumaru's mother could have had some cat demon in her, perhaps.

It wasn't long until my beautiful, yes, beautiful son fell asleep comfortably in my lap and in my arms. I decided that it would be best to stay with him as often as I could.

Little did I know that he would be the one to reside in my bed...

TBC

So, whatcha think? I'm sorry if there is grammar mistakes or whatever, but I don't have time for a beta or to even go over it again and edit it. -.- So, if you liked it, let me know. If you didn't...then oh well. And just to let you know, I won't be able to update as quickly as everyone else, due to school and work.

Oh, here's some INFO:

InuTaishou= 20ish looking ((although he's 500 years old in demon years))
Inuyasha= 10 years old ((20 years old in demon years))
Izayoi= 35 years old ((she had Inuyasha at age 16))
Sesshoumaru: 15ish looking ((60 years old in demon years))