Thoughts Of A Hanyou

After a chat last night with Animechick, I decided to add this story here. It is an attempt to get inside Inu Yasha's thick skull. While he works to make a decision. I'm putting all the chapters on one page and it is complete.

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Thoughts of a Hanyou

I sit up in the branches watching them. Yea, Kagome and I got in another fight. So what? Of course everyone takes her side. Naturally sweet, innocent, defenseless Kagome could never be wrong. Ok, so maybe she wasn't and I am being the bastard they all think I am.

Surprised, huh? Yea, I can admit when I'm wrong. To myself at least. But, that's what's important right? Hell, I don't even remember what the hell we argued about. Yea, I start most of them. You got a better way to handle frustration?

Duh idiots. I'm male, young and well... you know the rest. I've got this beautiful babe that loves to climb up on my back and ride. I can feel her pressed against me, it's torture. Cause, the filthy half-breed can't ever touch.
Inu youkai bitches don't want a weakling who can't change into a huge dog. Human bitches are terrified of my demon side. Yea, yea Kagome's different you say. Really? Think back my friend... every time I try to get close to her she either runs off to that school thing, or gets all you're freaking me out. Whatever that means. So I climb up in a tree and wait for things to um.. relax. You think the monk is the only one who's has hentai thoughts? Shit, I was having them before his daddy was around.

She's always taking a bath, and that's fine. I mean she smells really nice. But why the hell does she get upset when every time she takes one, she screams about something. I come running to save her and either end up with
a rock on my head or sat. You'd think she wants me to see her naked. I even heard Sango ask her one time if she wanted me eek.eek. Didn't hear her response, stupid monk said something equally stupid.

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Another Night, Another Tree and More Thoughts

Back again huh? We, well I guess to be honest, I saw Kikyou today. Hell, I never plan to run into her. Just sometimes I turn a corner and there she is. Yea, I know it upsets Kagome. She thinks I can't meet her eyes afterwards because she looks like Kikyou. Hello, I've got this thing on my face called a nose, and it works better than a pathetic human one. In I n I know the difference. Kikyou's scent is almost the same as it was. Herbs, dirt, and the scent of the first cool autumn breeze, but, it is missing something. Kagome's scent is cherry blossoms, wildflowers and the scent of the first warm breath of spring, with the subtle tinges of her emotions. Yea, you say they don't have a scent. They do.

I've read Kagome's books and know that it's possible. Something about hormones and such. Yes, the stupid, arrogant jerk can read. Damn, my Hahaoya was a princess and my Chichioya was a demon lord. You think they
would have an illiterate for a son? Feh. Besides what else is there to do at night? Miroku, Sango, Kagome and Shippo all curl up and go to sleep. I don't sleep much. So after everyone is asleep I hop down and pick one of
Kagome's books and read it. I like the history, and literature the best. Can't stand the math or English and that's what she's brought with her this time.

Anyway back to the Kagome/Kikyou thing. Kikyou is missing that one thing Kagome has. Well actually Kikyou is missing two things that Kagome has. One she never had and the other Naraku took from her. The tinges of
her emotions in her scent, but then Kikyou always was cold to Kagome's warmth. I sometimes wonder how the same soul can be so different.

I know what Kagome wants from me. To be more than friends, it's in her scent. That tempting musky scent of her arousal. Kami,makemakes me hard just thinking about it. I'll never act on it. Not that I don't want too, but it's
not fair to her. Oh right, sure I can hear it. 'Sure Kagome, I'll be your mate. You do realize that once we defeat Naraku I'm going to go to hell with Kikyou.' What kind of mate would I be, huh? So I sit up in a tree and curse
Urasue.

Curse Kikyou? Are you nuts!?! Everything that ever happened to her wasn't her fault. Damn exterminator's gave her the jewel to guard and purify. Naraku killed her. Urasue brought her back to life. So I owe her. Even
if it wasn't me, Naraku took my form and killed her. So I'll go to hell with her, like she wants.

I loved her once. Then I was pinned to the tree for fifty years. Now I'm nuts about a girl who walks around in a way to short kimono and has the most gorgeous blue eyes. So what if they share a soul. The only thing I hate
are her tears. They tear me apart, and I cause most of them.

Sometimes I wonder if Urasue hadn't brought Kikyou back, what would happen between Kagome and me. I mean I only own three things. The Tetsusaiga, my fire rat Kimono and my honor. That's it. That is all that I can
truly call mine. I don't think that would be enough for her Ofukuro. I know if I had a daughter I'd want more for her. Yea, I think about things like that. I would have loved to have a family, but as I said before no one wants a
filthy hanyou, like me, in the family.

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Depression

Go away. . . . Didn't you understand me? Go awaet aet as far as you can. I'm dangerous. Why aren't you scared? I'm scared. Can you smell it? The blood on my claws? The human blood on my claws? I've used Kagome's soaps, I've used strong herbs and still I smell it. Maybe I always will. What do you think?

I'm a monster. A murdering, evil monster. Just like every demon out there. Why? This isn't what I wanted. Why isn't my demon half more like my brother? You know cold, but in control. No mine is . . .

I could have killed Kagome. I think that's the worst thing. I don't remember anything. One moment I was in that damn cocoon, the next I was on the ground flat on my back with the smell of human blood covering me. I
even tried the tough guy act. You know, I don't give a damn. But, she saw right through that. She knows me too well. She knew it was tearing me up.

They finally told me. The truth, Tetsusaiga pnts nts it from happening. I could tell they didn't want to. I think they'd known since it happened the first time. They were right not to tell me. I d had have... thrown the sword
away all in the desire to become a full demon. I don't want that now.

I wish you could have seen the pain in Kagome's eyes. No fear, I've only seen one thing scare her. Kikyou. Kagome her eyes are so full of her concern for me. Sometimes I think she would take on an entire village, if they
dared speak against me. She'sed ded down demons that could kill her easy just to protect me.

Want to know a secret? She's my strength. Really. She is so sure of my ability to protect her, I find myself stronger hoping to never prove her wrong. The only thing I can't protect her from is myself. Not to long ago I was going to tell her that I couldn't see her ever again. But, she found me first. She only wanted one thing... something so simple I couldn't refuse Just to be with me, to stay beside me. As we walked back to Kaede's I promised myself I'd never hurt her.

What if I transform again? What if I hurt her in that form? I can't risk it. I can't ever be separated from Tetsusaiga. But, I can't even wield the damn thing it's so heavy since Toto-sai repaired it after Goshinki broke it.
Ya think he might have an idea how to make it lighter? The training shit ain't working. Guess I'll go see the old fart in the morning.

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Other Men

Damn monk. Thinks he's so fuckin' smart. He's made it his personal mission to torment the hell out of me since the first day we met. He thinks I've forgotten. Hah! Steal the jewel shards, kidnap Kagome, sic that tanuki on me and try to suck me into that wind tunnel of his. Then he has the nerve sk hsk her, in front of me no less, to bear his children. Or what about all the times he's peeked on their baths. At least Sango has a bathing towel on,
unlike Kagome. He thinks I'm angry because I get just as banged up as he does. I catch him near Kag... I mean the girls while their bathing again.... The mere thought of him watching her bathe makes my blood boil.

No, dammit, I'm not jealous. It's just I'm suppose to protect her. That means from men like Miroku who think on nothing past a single night. Hell, I've lost count of the girls in villages we've passed through that have fallen
for his stupid lines. He doesn't care about them. Hell before he'll go off with one of them, he always ask me if there is a chance of the girl getting pregnant. Every time I've said yes, he's turned the girl down. So much for
the bear my child shit. Hell the two of us have done that so often he doesn't ask me any more, he just indicates the girl with a nod of his head, I sniff and nod or storm off. Guess which means which. We've talked about it when we go to take our baths, he only wants one girl to bear his children. She'd be surprised how many times he whispers her name in his sleep.

What about Kouga? All his my woman shit. Kagome doesn't realize how dangerous he is. I mean he's a wolf. A human eating wolf. He'd eat her... wait that doesn't sound right. He'd devour... no... well she would be
dinner. If not him one of his pack. He kidnapped her. I challenged him. Ya know Youkai to Youkai... he accepted, injured and everything. I wouldn't have fought him if he'd stayed down. Hell, there is no honor in defeating a defeated foe. But he stood up accepting my challenge. Then she sits me. In front of the hold fuckin' wolf pack.

"Inu Yasha, Osuwari" Kami I hate that phrase, word, these beads around my neck. But, they keep her safe, from me, and I've gotten to where I'm use to their weight. Maybe it's silly but it's a connection with her. Something that is ours alone. Painful but ours.

I found a new book in her pack last night. It is just a book with words in it all listed in order. It's called a dictionary. I'm really enjoying it too. I mean I'm begig tog to understand some of what she says better now. It's not as interesting as the Asianeraterature book, but I think I'll be better able to understand the rest of the books. I hate when she says something and I don't understand. I feel stupid. I hate being lacking in any way in her eyes.

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Family

She went back to her era today. I fussed and fumed like always, ended up eating dirt. I thought it was for more of those tests. But as she jumped down the well she said she had a familligaligation. Why couldn't she have said
that before I kissed the ground? I understand that.

Family, that's the most important thing in life. Something I'll never have. I told you I dream about having pups of my own right? Well if I didn't I do. I think I'd be a good father. I do pretty good by Shippo. Ok maybe I
don't do the best job I could with him. But Sango and Kagome coddle him too much. Think about it. If I really wanted to hurt him I could. Little brats toughening up just fine. Couple more months and I can start teaching
him to track.

She's in heat now. Her scent is wonderful. I could get lost in it. These are the nights I think about what I'll never have. A small hut, not far from the village or the well. My mate and I sitting on the porch watching our pups play. Our pups would be strong and healthy. They would look like her, jet black hair and blue eyes. But never my white hair or fangs or claws orse ese ears. No my pups will look human, no one will call them filthy or half breed.

Then reality sets in. When this is over, either I'll be dead or taking a one way trip to hell. Either she\she'll go back to her own time and find someone there. She'll be happy. Will she remember all of this? I will. I'll never
forget. Even if Kikyou drags me to hell with her, I will hold her smile in my heart. That one she gives me when she thinks I'm not looking. I can pretend for just that split second, that we are mates.

The others don't understand. I'm not rude to her to be mean. I want nothing more than to be nice to her, like she is to me. But, if I'm nice to her, if I let her get too close I won't be able to honor my promise. How can I expect her or them to understand when I don't fully. All I know is that Kikyou died because of me. If it puts her spirit at peace then I'll leap into hell with her. Don't misunderstand me, at one time I would have done it because of my feelings for Kikyou. Now, well everyday I'm with Kagome it becomes less something I want to do and more something I have to do.

It's times like this I wish Sesshomaru and I were closer. Now, don't get me wrong I don't like him. That's mainly because he tries to kill me everytime I see him. But he is smart, smarter than me and honorable. He would, if we
were like brothers are suppose to be, give me excellent advice.

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Instincts

Instincts. Instincts are a bitch! GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Baka female! Does she have any idea what her so called innocent actions do to me? I'm an INU hanyou. She's in heat again. Her scent, I want to drown in it. Forget
Naraku, forget my debt to Kikyou, forget everything... everything but her and that scent. That scent that calls to me. Demands my attention. Demands, hell, my lust. Believe it or not, I've learned how to deal with that. Little
things to get these three days of delicious torture.

Then she does things. Simple innocent humans things that mean nothing to her, but set my inu instincts off. Like earlier it started simply enough. We were arguing like always. I wanted to kill that wimp Kouga, she didn't want
me too. OK so I wanted to kill him cause after all this time I know her cycle, she was due to start her heat any day. I didn't want that wolf near her and I knew she was due to start today. Luckily he left yesterday. But that
isn't what set me off. True as all Inu youkai I like a strong willed female. Maybe that was the attraction to Kikyou. What set me off was when she bumped up against me. Deliberately bumped me with her hip and
shoulder against my hip and shoulder.

You don't understand? Ok inu courtship is almost like a dance, and the female makes all the moves. Heck us males try to get their attention doing the usual stuff, puffing out our chest, fighting off rivals, and that type of
stuff. Ok the female starts by bumping against the male, showing she's chosen him. Then she nuzzles under his chin, sometimes giving a soft lick. Well Kagome bumped me, then she hugged me, resting her head on my chest and letting my chin rest on her head, a totally submissive posture and one that turned me on. Ok I got that under control and she placed her hands on my shoulders and jumped up. Confused? That is a clear invitation. To my
inu instincts that said "mount me".

My face must have turned the color of my armor cause Miroku asked me what was wrong. Then Kagome asked. So here I sit, up in this tree waiting for things to cool down, or they go to sleep and I can slip off to take care of
things. I can't touch Kagome like that. She's a miko. A shrine maiden, the key word being maiden. You don't do that kind of stuff with a miko, or she looses power. It would be worse with me, cause of my youkai blood. I
sometimes think that might be what she likes most about me.

Has anyone ever said something to you that changed the way you looked at something? I mean, totally changed your perspective. Perspective, your mental view of something - learned that in that dictionary thing. Kaede did
that today. She asked me a question. You'd think I would know the answer too, but I didn't. She asked me would Naraku have attacked Kikyou if I wasn't there. That was a weird question. But, the more I thought about
it the more I realized Kikyou's death wasn't my fault. I'm not responsible for it. Naraku would still have killed her just to get the jewel, if I hadn't been there.

Then Miroku cornered me. He told me that next time we faced Kikyou he was going to do everything in his power to destroy her. I almost attacked him, but he explained to me that it was his duty as a monk. Kikyou was
preventing the souls she fed on from continuing their own spiritual journey. That as a monk he couldn't allow that to continue. The funny thing, I know deep within me he's right. Kikyou, the Kikyou I knew before Onigumo, would have insisted a being such as she is now be destroyed. I can't do it, never could, never will harm her. While I can and will defend Kikyou from Naraku, I won't from Miroku. I've asked him to let me explain that to her. Even though the thing walking with her face and form sounds like her, that isn't MY Kikyou. MY Kikyou died and was reincarnated as Kagome.

Wait, what did I just say? Kikyou is Kagome, but Kagome isn't Kikyou. Reincarnations, they are the same but different. What did Okufuro teach me? Reincarnations are attracted to familiar souls like a moth to a flame, yet
they are there to move forward. Kikyou, couldn't or wouldn't accept me as I am, but Kagome can and does.

I know what I want. Kaede was right, I gave my life to Kikyou fifty years ago when she pinned me to that tree. Kagome who is the true reincarnation of Kikyou gave it back to me. Maybe the part of her that was Kikyou was
asking my forgiveness then. Giving us the chance to live and love one another's souls again. While Kagome will never be and never was a copy of Kikyou. No, Kagome is Kikyou's soul that has moved up to the next step in
the cycle of destiny. Kagome is more than Kikyou ever was. More accepting, more lg ang and more forgiving.

Summers ending little friend. Thank you for listening. I know now what I want, and what to do. So go on, find your own lady friend.

Inu Yasha smiled as he watched the firefly flit off into the night sky. From below him he heard a call.

"Inu Yasha? Everything ok?"

"Better than ok, Kagome. Better than Ok. Get some sleep. We've got a lot to talk about in the morning."

"Ok. Night Inu Yasha."

"Night Kagome."