Red Lotus

A/N: Pretty sure everyone either forgot about all my stories or they hate me for not updating. Sorry. I will make one thing clear though, I will never abandonned any of my stories. I know lately it's been taking a while to update but THEY WILL ALL BE FINISHED, I swear. Life is just wibbley wobbley full of ups and downs... so sometimes writing has to take the last place on the priority list. I'm sorry. Updates for all my other stories are coming and you can check their progress on my profile (should be tonight or tomorrow though).

If you're still reading, thank you.

Also, no beta-ed and seriously, it's been so long...I'm sure it's FULL of mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that. I didn't even re read it. I'm too tired. If you wait for me to re-read it, you're never gonna have updates.

Red Lotus

Chapter 9: The Probing

A bond.

He never formed one.

His father died when he was a pup. His mother preferred exercising her parental duties from a far. He certainly did not have one with Inuyasha - except perhaps a bond of obligation. He had duty to fulfill when it came to Rin - or - Rin was apart.

Out of all the unlikely people, he had one with Kagome.

It was why he laid in his bed, completely awake. Frankly, he probably could use the rest but it was not going to happen. Not when she was such a wreck. As he laid there, bare chest with the blankets gathered at his feet, he felt her.

She laid in her bed, probably in a similar position, and she was sweating. He knew that because he was sweating. The only other that happened was right after their mating. This was her doing - on accident of course. He knew she was not aware of her actions. Nonetheless, it was quite annoying.

He was sticky. He was soaked. He was uncomfortable.

He tried not to move - when he did, he felt himself slide across his sheet. If he was feeling warm and sweating, it had to mean she had a fever. Obviously he did not know if it was another surge of her power or her way of healing.

Sesshomaru chose to not check up on her because he had yet to feel her weaken; her aura did not even falter. At least, since he could not rest, he could monitor her condition from his bed. Frankly, he was not sure his legs would work long enough for him to make it to her bedroom.

Nobody ever made him feel weak and powerless - and then she came along.

His legs were like jell-o. He was pinned down.

A ping of frustration traveled through him. He had to get up. This weakness, this side effect, was far from being his favourite one. He was certain he was supposed to have some sort of control over the bond. Granted, he did not wish suffering upon her but he had no desire to remain locked in his bedroom either. Unfortunately for him, to be able to control the bond, he was sure he needed to feel the bond. He felt the effects of it, but not the bond itself. The link was weak, barely existent. There was no way they could straighten it.

Based on what he knew, and his current personal luck - though he hated that concept- he was fairly certain that the only way to do that was with physical contact.

That was a notion neither of them were too keen on. He did not need to ask her to know that.

However, he did wonder if some sort of closeness could work. Perhaps if was in the same room as her…the feeling would lessen…or be shared more equally?

He might try it but once again, his legs would not cooperate.

There were not too many cons. Kagome would probably not disturb him. Missing work was not really a concern. If he said he had to remain home because his sick wife was having a very bad day, they would let him off the hook. Money was a problem though. They needed it. Until she came to live with him, he did not realize how expensive food was. Eating was really troublesome.

Could he just ride it out? Wait here until she felt better so that he could feel better?

It seemed to be the only logical and easiest solution.

It did drive him crazy though.

Silence filled the room and he closed his eyes one more time.

He quickly opened them back up though when he realized that when they were closed, it allowed him to feel the weakness spreading, the sweat dripping, the heat of his skin rising. He did not want to experience it. Not again.

Sesshomaru was about to attempt to lock himself away in his mind when he was disturbed. He heard the faintest knock on his door. How…what. How in the world would she know how he was feeling? No. She could not know. Perhaps it was her who felt ill and required assistance? Although her aura felt fine… Then again, she would not disturb him in the middle of the night for no reason. Yes, something had to be troubling her.

The only problem was, he could not open the door.

"Sesshomaru," she whispered.

So, she was not going away…

His mouth cringed, his frustration rose for a moment and then he sighed. "Come in," he managed to say without grinding his teeth.

Speaking was an effort.

A few moments passed before she turned the handle and opened the door. She did it extremely slowly which was almost unnerving and then finally, she came in view. She looked like she was floating in her clothes. Her aqua blue long sleeves shirt and pants were way too big for her and with her skinny body and lack of hair, it was almost a ridiculous sight.

She strangely shifted her weight from one foot to another, her heart pounding louder than usual. He watched her sink her teeth in her bottom lip, nervous. She squeezed her hands into fists, hitting the side of her thighs with them.

"A-are you okay?"

Her question startled him and he found himself more stunned than he expected.

He did manage to answer. "Yes."

Unfortunately for him, he did not look the part. She noticed it too since she did not apologize for her intrusion or leave.

"I got this f-feeling."

She did not even know how to describe it to him. Maybe she was crazy. Although from the looks of it she was right. He appeared to be in a terrible shape. She never saw Sesshomaru sick before. Could he even get sick? How was someone supposed to take care of a sick youkai? Did he have supplies for that? Would it just run its course?

"I am fine."

"You don't look fine."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and pressed his lips together until they turned white. The fact that he was in such a state displeased him greatly and her presence did not help the matter. Obviously, this was not technically her fault. She came out of concern. And she had no control over their bond.

Even though his words were harsh, she remained in his bedroom. Uncomfortable with the ambiance and the silence, she began wriggling her toes. He wanted her to leave. She should respect his wishes but she did not.

Unknowingly, she made it worse for him. Now, he not only felt her weakness but he also sensed her discomfort. She was not going away was she? There was two ways to make her go away… or perhaps three. He could ignore her, be rude to her or tell her the truth. Ignoring her did not seem to work so far and apparently she brushed off his rudeness. Humans made everything extremely complicated.

"I am not the one who is sick. You are."

She squished her eyebrows together. "I f-feel fine." Except for the regular side effects of her left over cancer but she did not think he was referring to those.

"Since our bond is undeveloped, it is one way. Therefore, you have no control over it. You are involuntarily transferring your symptoms to me." And since it was a closed bond, he could not return them to her.

She turned her head away from him and felt a thickness in her throat. "Oh."

Life had a twisted sense of humour. She already felt guilty enough towards him and did not need this. Also, from the way he spoke she could tell it was not the first time it happened. How come he never told her before? Surely there was something that could be done about this. Maybe they could fix it.

"I'm sorry," she said with a hitch in her voice. Her apology did not mean much but it was the best she had to offer. "Why is our bond only o-one way?"

"Mating is for youkais - usually. Since we never made a complete bond, I am the only you can feel it."

She could hardly stop the tiny blush that colored her cheeks when he spoke about the complete bond.

"Is that the only ww-ay to make it two ways?" she barely managed to ask.

He weakly nodded.

Okay. Well. Now there was no way they could fix this problem that way. It only left her with one option; she had to take care of him and make this as painless as possible. She was absolutely certain that he would mind her intrusion but she would do it anyway. It would be unfair to leave him to himself especially since he was probably not used to feeling so… weak? Human? Although, was it worst to inflict her presence upon him.

Her legs were shaky while she made her way to the bed.

"Can I help?" she asked when she reached his side.

Help? There was nothing she could do about it. Neither of them wished for the complete bond meaning he had to suffer through this until it was all over. She was supposed to be stronger than before meaning it should not be as bad.

"No. I hardly doubt you wish to complete this bond."

Again, a flush crept across her cheeks. She tucked her arms at the side of her body and felt a tingling of embarrassment travel through her spine. "I meant, h-help with hm, the discomfort."

Once more, he looked upon her as if he had no clue what she wished to accomplish. Did nobody ever take care of him before? "I c-could bring you water… a cold towel?"

He was sticky. He was thirsty, which was extremely rare for him, but… He did not need someone taking care of him, especially not her. She was the one who required help, not the other way around.

"I will be fine."

"Oh." The polite thing to do would be to respect his wishes. Although, she felt extremely bad to leave while he was in such a horrible state.

"Are you sure?"

"You may return to your bedroom."

She nodded and backed away from his bed. "You can call me if you n-need something." He would not call upon her but at least she offered. Even if he wanted to ask for her help he would not; although it hardly seemed possible he was even more distant ever since he came to her brother's birthday.

He managed to raise his head and watched her as she left and closed the door behind her. His pride was slightly wounded that she found him in such a state but he expected it to happen eventually. Although it hardly mattered. He saw her in worst shapes and she did not seem to mind. Then again, they were not the same. He did take note of her offer and he respected her for generously offering to help but they both knew he would not take her up on her offer. He would look after himself as he had always done. Alone.

It was perfect that way.

Be that as it may, a cold towel against his burning, feverish forehead would not have been the worst thing in the world.

-R-

Drops of water were dripping down his neck as he stretched his head backwards to allow the cold water to slip further. It felt as though it was sizzling against his burning flesh. He welcomed it, he relished in it.

Until he realized he should not feel water.

His eyes opened in a flash - which was perhaps his worst mistake. The light attacked his eyes and he was forced to close them again. Wait. Light? He weakly and slowly opened them only to see that it was morning. He fell asleep after Kagome's departure from his bedroom… He raised his hand to run it through his damp hair only to be stopped by a wet…towel. He picked it up from his forehead and glanced at it with a confusion look.

Kagome.

He had no recollection whatsoever of the night. Did he wake up? He seriously doubted that he would have called her into his room. Did she come on her own? Did something happen?

Sesshomaru clamped his hand around the towel and then threw his legs over the bed. The floor felt icy beneath his feet while he gave himself one hard push. Once he was standing up, he walked as fast as he could to the living room. He was dizzy and his vision was a bit blurry but he ignored it all. To his surprise, he found the living room empty. He tilted forward to sneak a peek in the kitchen and found the same emptiness.

Then he heard it, the faint sound of pages being turned.

He headed towards her bedroom. Once he reached her door, he knocked twice.

"Come in."

He opened the door and found her sitting on her bed with a book on her lap. She closed it shut and tilted her head to the side. "Did I wak-ke you?"

She tried not to make a sound and even stayed in bed. She thought that since he was sick his hearing might be even more sensitive than usual. Apparently she was not quiet enough.

Instead of replying with words, he raised his hand - the one that was holding the damp towel.

Her eyes appeared to widen but quickly returned to normal. "You were tossing." She fumbled with the edge of her blanket. "I couldn't ww-ake you. You were burning hot."

It was not exactly a lie but it was not exactly the truth. Their bond was messy. For a while, she felt her real pain… the one he was unjustly receiving. She thought her skin was fire. Once it stopped, she knew she could not let him suffer like that. It was how she found him tossing and completely drenched in sweat. She did try to wake him but when it did not work, she brought him a cold towel and left. It was all she could do without invading his privacy and personal space.

"Your help is noted. However, I am a youkai. I do not require the same care as a human. I will not require you to look after me in such situations."

She nodded.

He nodded back.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I can function sufficiently."

Truth was, he felt as though he was going to pass out but he was not going to tell her that.

Instead of continuing the awkward silence, and since he did not know how long he would be able to keep a straight stance, he closed the door of her bedroom. He leaned against it for a second before forcing himself off and walking towards the living room. Going back to his bedroom was out of the question; if she did not see him walking around she might not believe what he just told her.

He did not like her concern. Especially not when their bond was activated; he could feel it. He did not like to feel concern.

Once he reached the couch, he allowed his body to drop. He fell like a heavy weight.

Sesshomaru remembered how Kagome was when she first got to the apartment. He was convinced she would have never entered his bedroom without his permission. Although, granted she was not even able to walk back then but still. It appeared that somewhere along the way, she got comfortable around him. He supposed that could be a good thing but in his case he was not sure it was. He appreciated their relationship the way it was. He provided when she needed it and that was it. She attended some events with him and he did the same. He did it because it was the polite and respectful thing to do and she did it… because she felt like she owed him something.

He did not need to know her reasons. She could do as she pleased.

As he let his arm drop to his side, he felt something brush the side of his hand. He glanced down only to notice that Kagome had left some of her sketches on the couch. There were many of them but one in particular caught his attention. She carefully took the time to darken the whole page except for one little round spot. It brightly shone white and it pulled him in. He surprisingly found himself wondering what memory she drew.

He carefully picked it up and put it on the coffee table. She had talent and it would be wise for her to be more careful with her drawings.

Meanwhile Kagome was lying in her bed, fumbling with the edge of her book. She did not think Sesshomaru appreciated her intrusion. She only did it because she thought he was really sick. She was well aware that he was a very powerful youkai and all that but… the bond made him weak. What if it could truly injure him? She would be devastated if something terrible happened to him because of her. If she could fix the mess up bond, she would. Unfortunately, they both preferred it the way it was.

Doing that with Sesshomaru… would probably not work. She was not very knowledgeable when it came to sex but she was pretty certain you needed emotions…or at the very least lust and Sesshomaru did not have any of that.

And now she probably should stop thinking about that before her emotions surged through him. That would be embarrassing; he did not need to know what she was thinking about.

She tapped her fingers against the hard wooden cover of the book, pondering. Should she remain in her bedroom? The only reason why she was in there was to not wake him up… But perhaps he would prefer to be alone? Why was she over thinking this? He never minded where she was before and he probably would not mind it now.

She put her book down and dragged herself out of bed. For a while, her strength kept growing each day but nowadays it remained the same. Perhaps because she did not do enough exercises. It was not really her fault; the size of the apartment limited her options. She used her hands to fully stand up and then took little steps to the door. She quietly opened it prior to sneaking a peek. From where she stood she could see Sesshomaru sitting on the couch.

Feeling as though it was appropriate to go in the kitchen - and perhaps try to eat something - she exited the bedroom.

He never turned his head, he never looked her way.

She thought he went on as if she was not even there and decided to leave him alone. In reality, he was attempting to shield his face from her. He could feel the sweat dripping from the side of his face and if she got too close, she would notice it as well. He tried to focus his glance but it was difficult and he ended up simply closing his eyes.

Perhaps that was a mistake. He had felt better hence why he trusted himself to walk around. Suddenly, his new found energy seemed to be sucked away from him and he was now slipping into unconsciousness.

Next thing Kagome knew, she heard a thump. She hurried as best as possible to the living room with her eyes wide opened. Once she got there, she gasped. Already out of breath, she walked towards him. She pushed the coffee table out of the way and kneeled by his side. At first she looked to see if there was blood but she quickly realized her foolish mistake. A knock on the head probably would not cause a powerful youkai like Sesshomaru to bleed. Although…he should not be fainting either.

She gathered as much strength as she could and tried to turn him over. Unfortunately, he was too heavy and she was too weak. Instead she resigned to simply laying his head on her lap. And then… she did not know. What else could she do? There was no way she could move him; lifting his head was a struggle! She could try to wake him?

Kagome approached her lips to his ear. "Sesshomaru," she whispered.

She tried to shake him but obtained no results again. It was last night all over again.

Sighing in resignation, she leaned back against the coffee table. At least he looked peaceful plus this was the least she could do for him. Though she did not think he would be very happy that she helped him again. Although this time she was not technically helping; she was a…cushion for his head.

In the midst of her thoughts, she felt him move around. She looked down and saw him as he moved his head forward and - oh! Her eyes bulged, her body froze and her chest tightened. She felt his nose creep up and nest right between her legs…and he did not even seem to notice. His eyes remained closed. He mumbled something but she did not hear any of it; either because she was too stunned or because he was having a mouth full of her… oh my god.

What - what was she supposed to do?

By the time he opened his eyes, a spicy scent filled his nostrils. It took him a second and then, he backed away. His expression was stoic while he managed to sit up. However, he was barely looking at her in the eyes. Actually, he was not looking anywhere; he did not know what to do.

"My apology," he managed to say with a straight face.

She blinked. Her hands were up in the air and her face, neck and ear felt hot. "M-m it's o-kay." She shook her head. "I mean are you ok-ay? You passed out."

The air was thick with awkwardness.

"I am well." At least he was before passing out. Wait. He passed out when… she woke up. Perhaps she was the one who sucked away all of his energy. "It would appear that the better you feel, the worse my condition gets."

"So when I do- things, you get more tired?" She looked down in guilt; here she was walking around as though she felt better and it was all to his depends. "I'm s-sorry."

"No apologies necessary."

He grabbed on to the couch and lifted himself off of the ground. The living room was still laced with the scent of her embarrassment and her small arousal. They always seemed to end up in undesired situations. He was not prepared for all these emotions and he was not given much time to deal with them. They came and went so quickly.

Sesshomaru could feel Kagome watching him as he walked to his bedroom. Apparently that would be the safest place for him. He did not want to risk passing out again and finding himself in such a touchy situation. His nose was imprinted with her scent and its spiciness. No matter how he tried to twitch it or take in other scent, it was all that remained.

Obviously he could never catch a break. The best thing to do was… to sleep it off.

-R-

Three hours and forty-four minutes later.

Kagome made the decision to remain on the couch until Sesshomaru recovered since she was taking away all of his energy. The less movements she made, the better. She would have slept but she was not tired at all so she opted for this option. She did not want to turn the TV on because of the noise so instead she was reading a book…and watching the clock intensively.

This was a terrible unfortunate situation. The more energy she got, the less he had. And unfortunately for them she could not remain completely still.

In all honesty, it was extremely difficult to remain calm at the moment. She could still feel his nose pressed up against her. She did her best not to think about it but no matter what she did it flashed through her mind. It reminded just how limited her experience with the other sex was. She did not see that decision changing for a very long time…especially if she was to stay married to Sesshomaru. Even if she were to put aside all of the problems she had with her physical appearance, she had no real urges, at least not since her cancer. Plus, Sesshomaru and her would never have that kind of relationship.

As long as he wanted her here, she was not going anywhere and she certainly would not date anyone while they were married.

This worked out for the both of them; they did not want physical relationship.

While Kagome was uncomfortable sitting on the couch, Sesshomaru was tossing and turning in his bed. His body was covered in sweat but this time it was for an entirely new reason. He fell flat on his back, his mouth opened and he tilted his head back. Then he woke up. His chest heaved while he rapidly sat up. For a moment he felt dizzy but once that dispersed he realized his current situation.

This… was highly…improbable. And yet, it was happening.

Sweet, wet lips. Plump and bruised from kisses. Images flashed through his mind.

He grabbed the edge of his blanket and lifted it off of himself. Indeed, it was as he feared; he had an erection.

Soft, pearly skin covered in a layer of sweat.

Those kind of things rarely happened to him. Once. Once he had one when he was a young pup. It never occurred since then. Nothing or no one ever aroused his attention in that matter before. It was a problematic situation though it could be fixed. Whatever the source of his arousal - though he assumed it was his dream that was responsible for this - it was now gone and things could go… down. If only he could remember what he dreamed about.

He tapped his fingers waiting for the damn thing to go away. It did not. Although he was not expert on the matter he knew what had to be done to get rid of it but he was not going to do that. He had more control over his body than that. He closed his eyes, a slight frustration forming within him and took a deep breath. And then another, and another.

Finally, he felt himself soften.

His hell lasted another few minutes before everything returned to normal. Once he was sure the problem was resolved, he got out of bed. He felt much better. He assumed the sweat that covered his body was from the dream and not her sickness. He felt disgusting and he needed a shower. He headed outside of his bedroom and went straight for the bathroom. What he did not plan on was her noticing his exit.

She popped her out from above the couch and stared at him.

Did she wait there that entire time?

"I am feeling better. You will probably feel worse soon," he warned.

She nodded.

And then he disappeared into the bathroom. The more he felt because of the bond, the more he realized how they were very opposite people. This bond would get exhausting very fast, it drew from him all the strength she did not have but… he was not sure he had to strength to be so human.

She watched the door until she heard the shower start and then, she sat back down. Perhaps she should go to her bed; she did not want him to have to carry her to her room later.

Although, she was convinced she could not move right now. A few minutes ago, she felt a surge. She did not even know what it was or how to explain it; she never really felt anything like that before. It was a warmth… it formed in her stomach and it spread… and her underwear was damped. It hit her like lightening and all she was able to do was sit there and feel it. She did not know where it came from but it just sparkled from within and now she was extremely embarrassed. She thanked the Kamis that Sesshomaru did not come near her or smell it. At least… she did not think he smelled it.

She lost all physical attraction when he became sick. She did not want it back, especially not in this situation. Not that she thought she would be attracted to Sesshomaru but simply because she did not want to feel like this if an awkward situation arose.

That brought a question to her mind; if - well - when she felt that way - did he - did he feel….no. Sesshomaru explained to her very clearly that he felt no sexual desire. She was convinced that not even the bond could suddenly awaken a sex drive in him. And oh god she never wanted to think about that again. It was probably best if she stopped thinking and talking.

As if on cue, the shower turned off.

And she stilled - she was not sure why.

On the other side of the door, Sesshomaru was… slightly exasperated. He was angry but he did not know why and it bothered him. His strength had almost fully returned to him; the bond should have shut off by now. He should not still be experiencing so many emotions. Since the shower did not help, he gave up on it. Although he did not know what one was supposed to do to relax. In the past he steered clear of annoying situations and people. He never got this worked up and he never needed to cool off.

What was he expected to do now?

Perhaps she would know though he was not entirely convinced this was a conversation he wanted to have with her, especially not after the event from earlier. Though he could not confirm she was the woman in his dream he could not rule out that option either.

Despite his desire to steer clear from her, he knew he would have to leave the bathroom eventually. Once he finished drying himself off and getting dressed, he knew the moment was now.

Strangely, when he got outside, he found the living room empty. It only took him a moment to locate her; she was in the bedroom. Perhaps she did not feel well; after all, he was doing better. The right thing to do would be to check up on her; he was in a pretty bad shape earlier and he was youkai. She might require a bucket or some water. He put his towel in the laundry basket which caused him to walk near the couch. As he breathed he noticed a scent in the air; one he should not be familiar with - but was considering the events of the day.

How peculiar.

He barely lingered for a second before heading in direction of her bedroom. Once he got there, he softly knocked but did not speak a word.

"Come in," she managed to say.

He opened the door, not surprised by the darkness that filled the room. "Are you well? Do you require anything?"

"I'm f-ine. It's better that I'm here. In case."

He nodded.

Sesshomaru noticed her speech pattern was not the same. He was used to her hitch breathes and her pauses since her lungs were still struggling to recover but this time it felt different. He did not know how to explain it or why he noticed that.

"I will be in the living room if you require any assistance."

"Thank you."

She felt warm. He could tell from where he stood. He did not know why; she said she felt fine, she did not mention a fever. Unless she did not wish for him to know this small detail. If she did not want him around while she felt sick, he would not argue; it was her choice.

He wrapped his fingers around the knob, ready to close the door, when he was stopped in his tracks again. The spicy scent. It was here as well.

As he slightly turned his head to look at her, he felt her becoming even warmer. It was not a fever; she was ashamed.

He blinked once, then twice and then he closed the door without ever looking at her again. As he rested his back against the door, he felt a ping travel through his lower body, one that reminded him of how he felt when he woke up.

This problem was…problematic.

-R-