Fit For Dogs

"Hello, is that the SPCA?" a sharpish male voice came over the line.

"Yes, how can we help you?" asked the staff member manning one of the non-emergency hotline extensions.

"I'd like to report a possible case of dog abuse," the caller said, his voice sounding slightly strained. "But I'm not sure if it qualifies as abuse."

"Could you give me some details please?" prompted the SPCA worker.

"Well, is it considered abuse if the dog wants to go out, but his companion just wants to stay in and get cosy?"

"That depends on whether the dog is taken out regularly or not."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"I mean that if the dog's human guardian always walks it daily or almost daily, and misses an outing occasionally, it probably doesn't qualify as abuse. It is abuse, however, if the dog is cooped up all the time and never gets to go out."

"Damn."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing. Okay, what about if the dog hates getting its coat deticked and its claws filed – I mean really hates it – and its guardian literally sits on it to force it to be deticked and manicured?"

"Sir, deticking and claw-filing are routine grooming procedures, so unless the guardian is using excessive force on the dog or is otherwise injuring the dog, that does not sound like a problem. How large is the dog? Does its guardian injure it by putting his weight on it?"

"Well, the dog's pretty big. But its guardian can get pretty damn heavy too."

"Does the dog get injured?"

"Uhm, noooo…"

"Then there probably isn't an issue. Are you calling us regarding your concerns about a neighbour's behaviour towards his dog that you've observed, sir?"

"Yeah, you could say that. I can't give too many details for various reasons, but essentially, I want to check what qualifies as abuse and what doesn't."

"So far, nothing seems terribly wrong."

"What about when the dog isn't in the mood for too much contact, but after sitting on it for its grooming sessions, its guardian won't get off it?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"He won't get off the dog. Starts kissing and rubbing and putting his tongue and his dick where they haven't been given permission to go."

"Erm… sir… are you telling me that the dog's guardian is sexually abusing the dog?"

"Look, thing is, most of the time the dog doesn't mind – quite enjoys it, in fact. It's just that sometimes when he's not in the mood, and the guy gets randy, things start getting hairy around the house – they fight, stuff breaks…"

"Sir," said the SPCA worker in an urgent tone of voice, although she was keeping calm. "No form of sexual contact between an animal and a human can ever be considered consensual. Any kind of sexual abuse of a dog is definitely abuse! Whether the dog 'enjoys' it or not has nothing to do with the acceptability of the act!"

"Whaddaya mean it doesn't matter whether the dog enjoys it or not? Don't you care about the dog's feelings too? It's important that it be enjoyable at least some of the time! And it is! The guy's not bad, just that he goes on and on like a bloody Duracell rabbit."

Audibly drawing a deep breath and consciously maintaining her cool, the SPCA worker asked calmly: "Sir, would you please give me the location of the place where you have witnessed such abuse?"

"Uh… look… what if the guardian's also a dog…?"

"Is this a prank call?"

"No! No, it's not a prank call! I'm serious! What if the dog's guardian is a dog too, and they –"

"Sir, I am doing my best to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I am going to ask you now if you are reporting a case of abandoned dogs in your area. Are these dogs fending for themselves because they are not under the care of any humans?"

"Humans wouldn't know shit about caring for these dogs… well, maybe except for a few humans about five hundred years ago, who weren't half bad. But these days? Nah."

"So the dogs are abandoned. Where are they? Where can we pick them up from?"

"Look, I'm not asking you to pick them up. They're looking after themselves fine. I just wanted to know the technicalities of when something is considered abuse."

"Sir, if there are two dogs out there sitting on each other, grooming each other and mounting each other, that really is their business – except for the fact that they are not being looked after by any humans, which is a problem."

"Trust me, the absence of humans is not a problem. I don't suppose it makes any difference to the case if the two dogs are brothers?"

"This is not funny, and you have wasted more than enough of our time. I am going to have this call traced –"

"This is an untraceable line. Believe me, we've had centuries to perfect the art of being untraceable –"

*click*

"Bloody hell, she hung up on me!" the caller snapped into the line which had gone dead.

"So I'm not abusing you, am I?" a deep voice purred in the caller's furry left ear.

"Apparently not. But hang on – I haven't tried the Dog Welfare Society yet – maybe they'll have a different set of criteria for… arrrrgh, Sesshomaru! Hands off me! Don't start that again – I'm exhausted… ack!"

"Well, I haven't even got started yet, little brother…"

"Hello? Hello? Dog Welfare Society? I need to check with you about…"

"Hang up now, puppy. I promise you're going to enjoy this…"

"Hello? Hello –"

*click*