Blood Stained

A/N: Look, it's the rude girl who kept you waiting with a cliffhanger OTL. I'm sorry. Thank you for reading and sticking with me.

Also, this is not beta and I am very sleepy and sick. 

Blood Stained

89. Same Lips

Kiss me.

His words echoed in her head and suddenly she forgot how to breathe. It wanted her to kiss him out of her own will? No blackmailing, no forcing her? No, of course she did not want to kiss him, she never did. He was the one who ruined her life. Her lips were trembling and she was frozen in time. If she did not do it then he would stand in the way forever. If she did do it then…

Then she did not know what would happen.

She said she loved him, she said she wanted this to work because she needed him in her life.

But this was him. The monster from her nightmares, the one that took everything from her.

It glared at her with those red eyes, challenging her and waiting for her to prove it right. She did not want it to win but she felt it would win either way. Did she really have to play this game? Maybe she did. After all, this was it. This was the moment she dreaded. She managed to build herself back up, she managed to trust Sesshomaru and actually have a relationship with him and now that almost all the pieces were together, it did this. She always knew it was coming but she hoped she would be able to escape it.

"What is your decision?"

She wanted to yell at him and tell him to shut up. How dare he rush her after everything he put her through, after ruining her life?

Then again…it was only a kiss, right?

Once upon a time, it meant a lot. Even now she remembered her first kiss, the one she shared with Inuyasha. It was sweet and it was special. This would not be.

For Kami's sake, it was just a kiss, she tried to tell herself again as her stomach churned.

She should be able to do it. Everything had a price did it not? Long ago, she thought if you believed in something and worked hard enough, you could achieve happiness. She was wrong. You had to pay for it. If she wanted a life with Sesshomaru she had to give up a part of herself; the part that was afraid.

Her whole body began to quake as she took her first step forward. She expected a reaction from him but obtained none. He simply kept staring at her with those dreadful red eyes. Oh how she prayed for the day she would never have to look at them again.

After she took another step she decided she needed to remind herself why she was doing this. For herself. For Sesshomaru. She told him she loved him and that she wanted to be with him. If she could not do this…it would all feel like a lie. She chose to love Sesshomaru and she always knew what it entitled; accepting all of him.

Another step.

And then another.

Eventually, she forced herself to close her eyes; it made it easier.

By the time she opened them again she found herself right in front of him. If that was not enough she could also see his mother from the corner of her eye. Did she really have to be here to witness this? Of course! According to her Kagome was not good enough for her son. She had to prove two people wrong today.

As she swallowed she came to the conclusion that he was tall. Did Sesshomaru always appear this tall? Maybe it was because he usually bent down to kiss her. The beast was not going to make it easier for her.

"Your time is ruining out."

"I can take as much time as I want," she spat out.

"Do you not love my son? This is my son."

No, it was not him. It was just a non-evolved, monstrous version of Sesshomaru. She had to prove herself but he never had to; it was unfair. "I love Sesshomaru. I am just wondering why I have to do something and you don't?"

"I will let you have him."

"It's not enough. It doesn't cost you anything."

"A kiss costs you something?"

"You know it does."

"What do you expect from me?"

"If I do this, you have to make amends."

"How?"

"Figure it out." She did not know how he could ever make this up to her. Actually, he could not but she needed him to try. She needed to believe there was some good deep inside the beast. First, he raped her and mistreated her. Now, he was trying to take Sesshomaru away from her. Nothing he ever did was good.

"Kiss me."

Hopefully, this was its way of agreeing to the deal.

Kagome dared to raise a quavering hand and rested it on his shoulder. Using her new grip, she lifted herself onto her tippy toes. She was about to lean forward when he took her by surprise by wrapping an arm around her waist. It did steady her better but it also pressed her against his body. She knew this body, she explored it with her hands but at the moment it felt very foreign.

She regained her composure fairly quickly and resumed her previous action. Her lips were so close to his that they were brushing against each other. She began closing her eyes when he squeezed her hip.

"Keep them open."

Obviously he did not even want her to pretend it was not him she was kissing. It had to be him. The kiss was already going to be awkward as hell and now she had to do it with open eyes.

Now or never.

She ignored the fact that her chest was no longer trembling from her heartbeat or that she became completely deaf. She even forgot that his mother was watching them with a smirk on her face.

Kagome gave the last push and before she knew it, she was kissing it.. Despite her feelings of nausea and the flashbacks flooding her mind, she moved her lips. It was not much, but it was enough to cause him to return the gesture. His movements were more hurried than hers and she found herself hypnotized by those red eyes. It was the beast…it was the beast kissing her. He parted her lips with his tongue and she did everything she could not to pull away.

If only that was the scariest thing.

No, the scariest thing was that the more they kissed, the more she was forced to see the undeniable truth. He did not kiss her like he was a monster; his lips were not rough, his touch was not cruel. Instead, he was soft, loving and driven by passion. Just like Sesshomaru was when he kissed her.

As his tongue invaded her mouth, circling with hers, her eyes closed shut. For the briefest of moment, she was kissing Sesshomaru. She let herself slip and she returned it with a tad bit of passion. Then, she recovered. She re-opened her eyes and realized how moist her lips were from his ministrations. He was in charge. She had to be there and be a willing participant.

Once it was over, he left her with no choice but to sort of suck on his bottom lip to free herself. And she did. The sound echoed through the room and tugged at her heart.

By the time he removed his arm from around her, Kagome was certain her legs were going to give up. Surprisingly, she remained steady while he pulled away. She did it. She kissed the beast. Not because she was forced to, not because there was no other options. She had a lot of those. However, she got to pick the one she wanted. One that involved putting herself at its mercy.

She could not look to her left because she was there and she could not look up because it was there. However, before she was able to make up her mind, strong arms wrapped around her. Kagome's first instinct was to fight them off but their warmth overwhelmed her. She leaned in since it was the only thing she could do. Once her face was pressed into the chest, she knew the truth; Sesshomaru was the one holding her.

He probably expected her to cry but she did not. She probably should and yet no tears came. If she cried did it count as another victory for him? Most likely. Tears, always so many tears. For once, she wanted to be strong in its presence. He made her weak enough times already. She needed this.

"I am sorry." The soft, kind voice; the one she loved. She never realized just how re-assuring it could be.

"I'm okay," she said in a quiet whisper.

"No you are not."

"Sesshomaru, she says sh-"

At the sound of that voice, Sesshomaru felt something inside of him snap. Enough was enough.

"Mother, I will only tell you this once. Leave," he said, his voice sounding almost like a growl. "I will not ask you again. You have ruined enough lives for one day. Do not return."

Mizuki met his gaze and held it for a few seconds before nodding. A sigh escaped her as she sensed the tension and rage in the room. He was not challenging her as his alpha but he was exercising his right to chase her out of his personal den - if this place could be referred as such - and considering the waves of anger she was receiving from his aura she knew it was better to obey. She might be older and his alpha but she was not certain she could take him down while he was in this state.

Hopefully one day he would come to see that she did this for his own good. She ended up miserable because she chose the wrong mate. She refused to let him live through hell and be stuck to someone who was not good for him. Also, he was one of the last strong youkais. It was important that his mate was equally strong. Kagome did not fit the bill. Yet, she kept giving the girl chances. She was growing soft and it irked her.

It was with a longing glance that she exited the room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Once they were alone, Sesshomaru dropped to his knees and Kagome imitated his actions. He held her even tighter, rage and guilt eating away at him. He was still so powerless against that wretched beast and it killed him. If he could help it, he never wanted her to have to face her worst fears. Then again, he was her worst fear was he not? Himself and his beast; they both hurt her, granted in very different ways, but the damage was still there.

When the scent of tears never filled his nose, he wondered if it was a good thing. She should be crying. Then, he did the only action he thought might help; he pressed his lips to the crook of her neck and whispered, "I am sorry."

Her tiny palms rested on his chest, never pushing him away. "I'm fine."

Was he supposed to believe that? Kagome hid her own feelings more than once for the sake of her others and he had no doubt she could feel his guilt. He did not need her to spare him.

He decided to lift her off the uncomfortable ground and lay her on the bed instead. He maneuvered himself around until he was by her side. All he wanted to do was cover her body with his and keep her close until all the bad memories were gone.

"Kiss me."

At first, he had to blink because it felt unreal. Her voice was so low, so soft he thought he imagined it. However, when she turned her head and repeated it he was forced to admit that she did speak.

Perhaps she wished to erase the memories of what took place and he could not deny her that. He approached her and pressed his mouth to hers. Quickly, her fingers intertwined in his hair and she brought him closer. He never knew her to be quite this aggressive. Her tongue slipped into his mouth and he reciprocated. He tasted her, he felt her until she pulled away. She put her forehead to his and her breathing became hitched.

"Y-you kiss like him."

He felt his blood freeze and he became voiceless.

She remembered the beast's ministrations. She knew he kissed her quite often in the past but those memories were not clear. This one was however and it shattered the illusion she created for herself. Her save heaven was gone. Despite everything that occurred, she saw Sesshomaru and his beast as different beings. They shared the same body, they might be somehow part of the same person, but different things drove them.

But now he kissed like him.

Sesshomaru's gestures were soft, he loved her and he always put her first even to the detriment of his own desires. The beast was a selfish bastard. He could not kiss like him.

"It makes sense doesn't it?" She blinked slowly. "You are one. It's the same lips. I just-" They were supposed to kiss differently. One softly, one harshly. "I didn't want him to kiss like you." She was holding on to every little thing; it was what got her through most days. Little by little, all her safety nets were vanishing.

Immediately, she felt the sadness spread through him. He might try to hide it but she could sense it. They were linked and it pulsed through her. She winced, knowing she expressed herself wrongly.

"I still want to kiss you." She sighed. "I decided to kiss him. He did not force me. I could have said no. I'm okay. It's just that-"

"You did not want us to be the same."

Voiceless, she nodded her head.

He cupped her cheek and kept his hand steady. "I love you. I will never hurt you again."

She covered his hand with hers. "I know."

"I am aware that the beast is not - good but it will not hurt you physically again."

She did not know if that was the truth. Then again, all he did lately was make her life a torment by abusing her psychologically but he had yet to lay a hand on her. Perhaps she should be grateful for that. Although… was psychological torture truly better than physical one?

"I kissed it. I chose to do that."

"Why?"

She swallowed hard, her vision slightly blurred by her tears. "Because he wanted to take you away from me."

His fingertips brushed her skin and his heart raced. She hated his beast more than anything in the world. Yet, she put herself on the line and hurt herself on purpose…simply to keep him? His heart ached and guilt inflicted him once more. He was tired of her being the one to fix him. She had to get over her proximity issues and her relationships issues. All he felt he ever had to do was be there and wait. His part was not hard, especially since he deserved all the guilt. But her? She was the innocent one. She had to fight to get her life back.

"I am not worth this. I am not worth your tears."

She frowned. "I'm not crying."

"You should be."

Kagome squeezed his hand. "Last time I had to face him I was alone." She paused. "This time, I'm not."

"I am him."

"I know that." She did not always know but now it was confirmed; it was a reality she could no longer ignore.

There was no more words he could find and instead he captured her lips with his. She never stiffened, she simply returned the kiss. He buried his fingers into her hair, feeling all of her. They might kiss the same but he would make her forget about all those nightmares. He was he same person but he would prove to her over and over again that he could be different. Behind his touches, his kisses, there was love and devotion. He would remind her.

Once her lips were moist and plump from his ministrations, he lowered his mouth until he touched her neck. "I love you."

"I love you too."

She relaxed in his touch. "Did he say anything?"

"Who?"

His breath was warm, tickling her flesh. "The beast. I did what he asked. He said if I did it, if I kissed him, he would not take you away."

"I am still here aren't I not?"

But it lied before. No wait, she lied to it. He always told the truth. He said it like it was. However, he never confirmed if it was enough, if she passed his test, because Sesshomaru took over too quickly. She refused to wait and see if she did enough.

"You don't know?"

"He rarely speaks to me or answers me. He only does so when it is convenient for him."

"You know, he really reminds me of you in the past." It almost amused her. Perhaps it was not something she should laugh about considering the hell her life became back then. Though, it might be the only way she kept her sanity. Also, it did show how far Sesshomaru came in the last five hundred years.

"I was close minded back then. I did not know what I had." He hated his past and the way it haunted him forever. "I will spend my life making it up to you."

She shook her head. "It's not what I want. I told you already. It's okay for you to want what you want. I don't to be the one that stands in your way. This won't work if you do this. I am really fine. It was just a kiss."

It was as if Kagome was crying without tears. Though she was not as upset as she thought she would be. Instead of being a mess, like she was prior to the kiss, she felt empty. Maybe not empty. Maybe she was…shocked, too shocked to feel anything. Maybe it was what it felt like to move on, to take steps towards recovery?

He wrapped his arms around her before flipping over so that he was on his side. She buried her face in his chest and he held on tightly. His fingers were gently massaging her scalp and he hushed. He was panicked, barely holding himself together and she was acting like he should be. It was not right. He wanted to blame his beast for this one but there was another culprit; his mother. She was trying to create a mess.

From the corner of his eyes, he watched his son. This was his family. His mother was not. He would keep what was most precious to him away from her.

Kagome shifted in his hold, fisting her fingers in his shirt. She heard his heartbeat and it soothed her; it made her feel alive instead of hollow. He rubbed her back with soft caresses and put a kiss to her forehead.

He had to get a grip on his beast and force him to talk. He did not want her to worry again.

Also, he needed his mother out of his life forever.

He craved to be the one to fix it all.

-B-

Soft cries echoed in the room, shattering the silence. They were low, a sort of whispering sounds, but it was enough to stir her from her sleep. She pushed her palms against the bed and lifted herself up while a daze of confusion made her head heavy. It was not until she sat down that she realized it was her son who was crying. She jolted up and searched the room for him. She nearly smiled when she saw Sesshomaru gently holding him in his arms.

"Is he okay?"

"He was just hungry," Sesshomaru said in a hush as he gave Kiyoshi his bottle.

"Sorry I fell asleep," she said as she sat on the edge of the bed. It seemed to always happen to her.

"You had a strange day."

She nodded, silently keeping a small detail for herself. The nightmares. She fell asleep peacefully did she not? Why was she haunted by nightmares of it? She might have felt empty or shocked before but she did not right now. For once, she wished it would show its face. Although, if she saw him again, it might require something else of her and she knew she could not give anymore today.

Kagome despised those kinds of nightmares…because they were real and not fragments of her imagination. They were memories. She could not dismiss them as foolishness once she awoke. They stayed with her. They would be in her mind forever.

"Feeling better?"

"I'm fine." The words slipped her quickly. It was like she was programmed to give him that reply. She wanted to be fine. It was always she sought.

Fine. There was that word again. She kept saying it and he kept refusing to believe it. He lay by her side while she slept and he knew it was not true. She trembled, she sweated and she moaned in fear. Sometimes, he even got glimpses into her mind and he saw it; he saw what it did to her. It made him wonder how she was ever fine. He did not want to push her to share if she did not want to but he did not wish for her to keep things to herself.

She moved to the edge of the bed and looked at Sesshomaru and Kiyoshi. Them being together was the reason she came over. Nothing prepared her for what actually happened.

"I- hm, I can come pick him up whenever. Or you can drop him off."

He raised an eyebrow, puzzled. "I am afraid, I do not understand."

"Kiyoshi. Remember? I originally came here so that you two could spend time together?"

"We also spoke about a house."

"Well, your mother interrupted before we had a chance to finish the discussion."

"I want a house."

She smiled; usually it was not easy to get him to admit to what he wanted. "I can help you look…though I guess you can pay people…or you have people to do that for you."

"I want a house for us."

"Oh," she said dumbfounded. They said not now. Actually, she said not now.

"I am aware that we are not to move in together at this particular moment - or ever but I would like for you to pick the house with me. I wish for you to be satisfied with it."

"So that when the time comes, I can just move in. No more relocation. Kiyoshi will stop being moved around from one house to another."

"If you would like."

She kissed the beast; picking a house was nothing compared to facing your worst fears. "I'd love that." She rose to her feet and approached them before gently brushing her son's hair away from his face. "But for tonight, I think he should sleep here. With you. I think he would like that."

"You could stay for the night."

She pinched her lips. She had nothing against staying. Though, if she stayed it would become family time. Although she welcomed that and they needed it, Sesshomaru needed to bond with their son. Sesshomaru and her were working on getting a good bond and she had an excellent one with her son. He however did not. They did try this once but so much happened…they never had time to fully go through with it. Sesshomaru kept his feelings and desires to himself. He needed to be pushed out of his shell.

"I think you need to be with Kiyoshi." She paused. "And I'm not running away because of - it."

It crossed his mind. Especially when she said no. But he trusted her; he had to.

"I'll stay for - dinner. We could do it like we used to." She would be lying if she said she did not missed having dinner on the bed. It was not proper or how she was raised but it was more…fun. It almost reminded her of the old times. It was true that she had some very bad, traumatic memories attached to the Feudal Era but there were also years of good times.

"I would enjoy that."

At the same time, Kiyoshi finished his bottle. Sesshomaru lifted him, holding him awkwardly, and Kagome laughed. "I'll do it."

She took him from Sesshomaru and pressed him against her chest, his chin resting on her shoulder. Meanwhile, he stared at her. His mate. The mother of his son. She was perfect at everything, she was beautiful and kind. Unfortunately, she was constantly hurt.

"Here we go," she said, smiling at her son.

Kagome carefully put Kiyoshi back in his stroller, his blanket tucked around him. She did not even have a chance to stand back up straight that Sesshomaru grabbed her hands. "I apologize."

"Sesshomaru, you can't be sorry forever. It's not your fault. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to keep you. I'm fine."

"You never reacted like this to the beast."

"I can't be fine?"

"I wish for you to be fine." He preferred her not hurt, he truly did. "I am simply not certain you are."

"I kissed it. I kissed the thing that raped me, that tortured me, that forced me into a life I didn't want. I chose to do that."

He wanted to speak and ask more questions but instead he decided to remain silent. He would not brusque her into speaking.

"He took everything he wanted from me. My life, my choices, my body. He ignored what he wanted and he just destroyed everything. I could never fight. You took my chance of fighting from me. I couldn't use my powers. All I could do was stay strong in the inside. That didn't win me any battles. For once, I had a choice. I could let him take you from me or I could keep you. He did things to me, to my body that - I can't erase. This kiss, it meant choosing, it meant keeping something."

"But did he not still force you into doing what he wanted? If you did not do as he wished, he threatened to take me away."

"I guess," she quickly answered. "But I chose to stay and fight. I have to accept it is there, that it exists. Even if you merge, it'll be there - somewhere deep inside of you. When I kiss you, I kiss the same lips."

After what she did, she would never see the kisses the same way and that was not necessarily a bad thing.

"I'm never going to be completely fine," she admitted. "I'm always going to be healing. It doesn't mean I can't get better though. All of this - us, I never pictured any of it happening at first. I couldn't even be around you without throwing up."

That day, she fell to the floor vomiting and she never wished for death as much as she did then. At that point, she never thought it would get any better and she could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. She was proud of herself for overcoming it all and growing stronger.

"But, I don't feel that way anymore. I trust you, I love you. I - I did something terrifying because I thought you were worth it."

He changed. She did not ask him to but he did.

"If it tried, if it ever even… but it never did. It won't. It knows what it did was wrong but it never tried to make it better. Instead, it always tries to get in the way."

"He wants you happy."

"Too late."

He should have renounced on her back then, not now.

"It doesn't matter though. It can throw whatever curves and challenge it wants at me. Today, I proved I could handle it. Maybe it doesn't mean much but - to me it means everything. I went against it and I came out stronger. It never happened."

She could face it - without shedding tears.

"This is who I want to be; the one who is in control."

He did not know what to say since he was afraid to say the wrong thing. If he agreed, if he said he would help in her goal than she would not be the one in control. Instead, he offered her a silent answer by nodding.

"Who do you want to be?" She approached him and grabbed his hand. "You don't have to be the one who feels guilty anymore."

"I want to be someone who deserves you. Someone who deserves a family."

"You are."

Even if they did not make it work, even if in the end they were unable to be with each other he would still deserve love and happiness. Perhaps it was what scared her when she felt hollow earlier. What if once the beast was gone, once she survived it, she felt nothing? It was terrifying.

She rose on her tippy toes and pressed her lips to his briefly.

"Let me show you my world."

His words were unexpected which caused her to back away slightly. "Your world?"

"Where I work, how I live and how us youkais live in this world."

She wanted to know more about him. She wanted this to be less about her and more about what he wanted. Then, he would introduce her to his world. At the same time it would be an occasion to be away from his mother and hers. Although, he would have to find a way to apologize for his inappropriate behaviour to her mother. She already had enough reasons to dislike him.

"I'd love that," she answered with a smile.

There was the Sesshomaru from the past, the one she loved and the one who had a life when she did not know him. She wished to find out about every part of him. Also, it made her feel less alone, like she was not the only one who had multiple versions of herself.

"A few phone calls are required but I am certain that it could be in the next few days. If that is convenient for you."

"It's perfect." No job, no school; she had nothing taking up her schedule. Perhaps they could pick the house he wanted to find at the same time.

The idea of the house scared her a bit. Mostly because she knew how dependent she became of him and how she tried to not be anymore. Picking a house together…she would be tempted to move in and be with him in an environment that was theirs. She knew it was not the time but it would seem like a good option. Nonetheless, his suggestion did not make her uncomfortable and he finally expressed something he wanted. She was not about to take that away from him.

He brought her in an embrace, feeling relieved for the first time since she kissed the beast. She was holding up. He thought it was a facade, one that she would not be able to hold for long, but he was wrong. Perhaps she did not require protecting. It would not stop him from doing so but it did remind him of just how strong she was.

They remained that way, in silence, for a few moments before her stomach growled.

"I will retrieve the menu," he said with a smile tugging at his lips.

She was about to let him go when she suddenly changed her mind. As he was about to slip away from her she grabbed onto his hand and held on tight. "Wait," she whispered.

He turned around, confusion clear on his features, and stopped in his tracks.

"I just-" She came to a conclusion earlier, one that she would not deny but she also knew things were not black and white. "I need you to do something."

Sesshomaru closed the distance between them but she never freed his hand.

"I need - I know you think you two kiss differently." She inhaled deeply. "Show me."

At first, he seemed surprised but he recovered rather quickly. He snaked his hand out of her hold and wrapped both of his arms around her waist. He stared into her eyes as he lowered his face and she never broke the gaze - she maintained it instead. Amber eyes that could so easily turn red but they did not. His palms burned hot as they rested on her shirt, their heat transferring to her skin.

His lips brushed against hers and never fully touched them. His nose nudged hers and she tilted her head to the left. His fingertips dug into her flesh and her chest heaved while she leaned in. She felt their chests being so tightly pressed together that her lungs could no longer be filled with air. It left her dizzy. Her heart was racing to the point that she numbed. Blood rushed to her cheeks and left her skin pinkish instead of pale.

Then, he ended the agony.

Their mouths connected and when the sensations rushed through her, she raised her arms to lock them around his neck. Her fingers disappeared into his silver locks and she reciprocated the kiss. They melted into each other as he not only focused his lips and his soul into proving he was right but also his aura. They were opposite, they always were. Youkai and Miko. When they connected it should not be anything but sizzling.

Their hearts synched, beating as one. She remembered his hands moving but her skin felt like it was fire; she could not tell where he was touching, caressing. All she wanted to do was feel, feel the man she loved. She wished she could say she faced her fears only because she wished to but it would be a lie. Despite all her attempts, he was a major part of her happiness. She faced her fears because she needed him in her life.

She felt a rush as he laid her down on the bed, his needs filling her soul. She was breathless, her lungs empty, but their lips never separated.

He would not let go until it was over.

He would not let go until he showed her that he shared the same lips as his beast, that he might somewhat kiss the same, but that selfless love was what drove him. He would let her feel the difference love made.

-B-