My Precious

Author: Saraste

Series: My Precious, part 8 - Denial

Pairing: Kouga/Miroku, past Inuyasha/Miroku

Rating: series overall PG-13 fluff with some NC-17 naughty.

Genre: romance, post-mpreg, fluff, angst

Warnings: slash, post-mpreg

Words: 2016

Disclaimer: The characters of this fiction are not mine, I make no profit.

A/N: I'm really sorry that it took me so long to update. I had this all finished some time back but forgot to put it up here...



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“I can't,” Miroku murmured, his voice strained, as he pushed Kouga off of his lips. And damn him if he didn't want to simply draw him in closer, not push him away, wind his fingers through that long hair and let himself fall. And yet he kept himself at bay. For the monk knew he could not throw himself into anything this frivolously. The weight of his sleeping child on his hip had wrenched him back to the reality of his life. He couldn't let his heart control him, nor his body. Oh his traitorous body which was starved for touch after so long. And to be touched by someone who said they loved him... he'd never had that. But he couldn't let himself be lured in. Not even when the kiss has reduced his brain to mush, every part of his body screaming for him to just let the wolf continue. But no...



His Shin, his precious son was all too important for him.



Someone he'd not ever harm in any way. Think of Shin, his mind chanted and all he could see in his mind's eye was the wolf being a parent to his child, filling the space left empty by another's disgust. And the image flitted into his thoughts even now, he couldn't stop it. Still something kept him back, kept him from letting himself be embraced by the moment, accept his hopes and trust. His fingers took desperate refuge on the fur on Kouga's shoulders, shaking and holding on, let the man slip away. For a part of him was aching to accept him while the other was still so afraid of it all.



Bereft of the luscious lips which moments past had been pliant under his own, Kouga took his time looking at his beloved monk. There was no disgust, no unwillingness marring his pretty features. Only fear and heart-breaking wavering between what was needed, wanted and what the other thought was the good thing to do. The hands keeping him off shook and the eyes, those expressive eyes which so often sported such a hurt look, brimmed with unshed tears, quivering lips only just keeping in a sob.



Miroku was on the verge of past and future, his now filled with doubt and heart-break. Unable to embrace the infinity of love with him. Eyes and body telling what mind and words would deny. And Kouga was not going to exploit that vulnerability. Not now. He couldn't.



“I will never hurt either of you, promise...” the wolf said steadily to his broken monk, hands holding onto trembling hands, eyes looking out for now downcast eyes.



Miroku's head snapped up. He was the fierce beauty of Kouga's dreams, his eyes full of doubt, hope drowning under disbelief and hurt.



“You can't know that!” the monk interjected, his hands still shaking and his tears not drying.



“I can try. That's everything anyone can promise. Miroku...” Kouga squuezed the hands in his.



“Kouga...” Miroku looked at the ground, his whole body shaking. He wanted so much to trust, needed to trust so badly it almost made him ill. Wouldn't, couldn't this be it? Be his happy future, his life? A father to Shin and a love for himself, someone who wouldn't leave him.



“Let me mend you, please?” Kouga made Miroku raise his head, holding his face up by his chin, looking deep into his wet eyes. His eyes pleaded with the monk. A hope rose in the deep violet eyes and died. Or was showed away by a weary and wounded heart. He couldn't tell. Th monk's sadness, his resignation to a fate he'd not need to have, wrenched at the ookami's heart. “Miroku, let me love you...”



Miroku shook his head, hardening his heart, his arms shaking as he kept Kouga at bay. Even when all he wanted was to kiss him and forget everything. Forget and be content. Trust. Let himself hope, dream again. Love. Passion. Children. A father to his son. And yet he chose. But wavered.



“No... Give me time...” It was not what he'd meant to say. And he looked at Kouga, begging for him to understand. This was all he could give now. He needed to think, really think. For what Kouga offered him, he so wanted to grasp it. Believe in that future.



“Of course, take all the time you need,” Kouga touched his hands, pressed his forehead to his and looked at him. “All the time you need.” Outside he was calm and understanding. Inside he was all undignified joy, his mind hopping up and down. For Miroku hadn't said a definite no.



* * *



Miroku shook his head as the memory came to him again. Two days. It had been two days since that day. Kouga had finally confronted him. Body had done what the mind screamed for and yet... He had fled. He had retreated into the nice cosy place inside his head where no-one could hurt him because he was alone. Despite what Kouga had said. Despite what he had seen in his eyes, heard in his words, felt in his body. The wolf did love him, there was no doubt about it now. So why?...



The monk could not come up with a solution as to why he had let his torn and abused heart get the better of him, why his cowardice had won...



He had started a habit of wandering around the caves in the past few days. To clear his head and think. Decide what was to be done. And he'd been too careless, too trusting as to the protection Kouga's tribe provided for him. For he was too far, outside the area that was safe and danger had come across him.



Miroku had known, deep down, that this day would come. And yet, now, faced with what he had known to expect, he was numb with fear, unable to move even an inch. Frozen in place, barely able to breathe.



“Inuyasha...” He was able to speak, at least. The name leaving his lips, broken and scared, was something he'd not thought of uttering any time soon, if ever. It had become cursed to him. Miroku closed his eyes, hoping against all hope that when he opened them again, it would all have been merely a dream, a nightmare. But he was still there when his eyes reopened mere panicked breaths later.



Haughty, oppressing, his whole appearance screaming menace, the hanyou stood some feet away from him. Observing. Silent.



Miroku drew Shin tighter against his chest, his breath becoming more ragged by the minute. Why had he strayed outside the borders of the wolves lands? Alone? He could not breathe. That look on Inuyasha's face. No! It could not mean that... Couldn't. And yet he feared it would. All seemed to have stopped, time itself screeching to a halt as he looked at the man standing just some paces away from him.



“You can't have him...” he said brokenly, his voice shivering.



“Houshi...”



“Ohh, it's houshi now?!” Miroku's voice was bordering on hysterical now, high in pitch. His hands held onto his son tightly, so tightly. And still, deep down, he knew that he'd be no real match to the hanyou. Inuaysha would wrench Shin from him by force, break his arms if he had to. And that's just what Miroku feared that he'd do. He had to play for time, for the scouts on the outer borders to sniff Inuyasha out. How had he been so foolish as this!



“What happened to 'Miroku'? Or 'let's have a quick fuck'! 'Kagome'?!” Miroku was screaming, crying now. His voice shook with the hurt he'd harboured for years now. And he knew he'd crossed the line, unable to keep in years of hurt any more.



“Houshi...” Inuaysha's tone was menacing. Hearing him speak chilled the monk, his mind was breaking. And the look. There was hate and disdain in the golden eyes of his past lover. But what made Miroku fear the most was the triumph in them.



Miroku could see it clearly, even through his tears. Why didn't anyone come? This could not be happening. Why did he have to let his anger get the better of him? Shin whimpered in his almost too tight embrace.



“You did not want him!” Miroku screamed, backing a step even when he knew he couldn't outrun the hanyou. It was a reflex. “Nor did you ever want me! Go back to where ever you came from now and leave us alone!” Bold words, shaken and screamed out, Miroku's defences crumbling, his heart sinking into the abyss.



“You really think I'd let that mangy wolf raise my kid?!” Inuyasha shot back at him, his eyes bleeding red.



Miroku gasped, his heart freezing at Inuyasha's words. It could not be. The tiny speck of hope in his mind was snuffed out as it became clear Inuyasha had come for his son. He'd hoped against hope... And here he was, now, defenceless as the hanyou had come to claim a right he'd rejected as his. Helpless... Where were his staff, his ofuda? He'd been too complacent and was now paying for it. Miroku's ears registered Shin's cry, making him even more distressed, adding to his desperation. He had no way out and knew it. And yet he clung to hope, foolish as it was. For it was all that he had left.



“Inuyasha, please...” the monk sobbed, backing again now, hoping for an opening, an escape from his past lover's clutches. “Don't...”



The hanyou cocked his head, his silver hair snapping around his head, the air around him seemed to sizzle. He cracked his knuckles, claws opening and closing. The very image of menace.



“Were willing enough for my fuck, weren't you? Will now have that mongrel?” Inuyasha spat on the ground as he stalked forward, mirroring Miroku's backing away. He sneered. “You deserve each other, bet you've just been whoring yourself around all this time for bedding and food, haven't you?” The half-growled were words venomous, meant to hurt, stab, kill the man's spirit. Miroku could not believe how he'd ever felt affection for such a man. “Haven't you?!”



The monk shook his head, his son crying while the man tried to stay strong. And words, a cry for help, neither came for him any more. He was struck dumb by his emotions.



And Inuyasha pounced. He pushed Miroku to the ground, the monk had no time to react and run before his back was already on the ground, Shin crying desolately in his arms. Inuyasha loomed over him and grinned, his eyes red and his cheeks adorned with stripes. The hanyou sniffed at him.



“His scent's all over you. Hah, he won't have you, won't he?” Inuyasha sneered.



Miroku's breath came in ragged pants. He tried showing Inuyasha away. “No...” his voice was but a whisper now, crackling at the edges. His heart raced, away, he needed to get away. “Get away!” Shin's upset was making his power rise again, he needed to fight for his son, however much Inuyasha's words hurt him.



It was but a flash of red eyes, a swipe of claws into him and then it was over. “Got what I came for...”



And he was alone. The heart-wrenching realization hit him hard, dulling even the pain from his wound.



Shin was gone!



Gasping to get up, trying to breathe against the weight on his chest, the feeling of drowning, he tried to follow. Falling back onto the forest floor, robbed of sound, sight and mind he fought against the pain, body aching as his mind screamed the words his lips couldn't form. Gasping for breath, his lips crimson, his chest feeling like it was crushed, he couldn't breathe. Yet he fought, fought to scream, to get up and follow.



But unforgiving darkness swallowed him and he knew no more.