Fragile

Chapter 8: The Truth Hurts

Despite Sesshoumaru saying that she had his forgiveness for the ‘wake-up incident,’ Kagome still felt horrible about it. She began her mediation again that very night. She now spent her free hours between waking up and going to sleep in meditation. Of course she would still eat, but it usually took Mana’s reminding her to do so. She would pick a different spot each day and simply lose herself in the deep recesses of her mind to work on understanding and mastering the power that had been dormant for most of her life. It was during her fourth day of this meditative process that Kagome discovered that the more dangerous and aggressive part of her power came from the untamed power of the jewel resting in her side. Between the primal souls of the demons and the battle hardened soul of the priestess within, the jewel was the main contributor when she let her instincts take control of her power.

This scared Kagome and she knew that she would have to be much more careful in the future. If the jewel was a part of her now and its power boosted her power, she had no choice but to try and gain control over its power as well. This turned out to be much easier said than done. After three more days of meditation she realized that her efforts were in vain and it just wasn’t going to happen. Settling for the next best option, Kagome decided to try and used her new-found command over her own to put a sort of lock around the jewel’s power. If this idea worked, it would allow her to at least keep the jewel’s power in check as long as she kept tight control over her own power. It took two straight days of no sleep in deep meditation and Mana finding her unconscious on her bedroom floor, but she managed to barely lock the power of the jewel away for the time being.

When Kagome woke up after regaining the energy she’d lost, she felt better than she had in a very long time. Everything seemed clearer; sights, sounds, smells, everything. Feeling as though she could even breathe easier, Kagome took a deep breath and could smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen. She could sense Mana’s aura coming from that direction as well and realized that for the first time in her life she was in control. It was like a thick fog had lifted and she could now see the road ahead of her. She couldn’t help the large grin that broke out across her face as she laid back down on her fluffy pillows and felt for the first time in five years that everything was going to be okay. Her friends from the past may not be with her anymore, but if Sesshoumaru had found her then there was a possibility that at least some of her friends were still alive. These thoughts gave her a sense of hope that she had thought to be long lost.

With this new hope and clarity, Kagome hopped out of bed and began getting ready to start her day. As she dressed and brushed her hair she noticed that she could think about the past with a lighter heart. It still hurt, but now she felt a sense of acceptance at the way things turned out. Gaining the control that she had been sorely lacking had given her a sense of being complete and an inner-calmness at knowing she wouldn’t hurt those she cared about accidentally anymore. Wait…did she care for Sesshoumaru? He had been her ‘knight in shining armor’ when he had dragged her through the front doors of that horrible building and she would be eternally grateful to the quiet demon lord, but did she truly care for him? Was it possible that she was confusing appreciation with infatuation? Sesshoumaru was, after all, the furthest thing from the ‘dream guy’ she would discuss with her friend. But then again, Inuyasha had been the exact opposite as well. These were all very good questions, but would have to be pondered on at a later time because right now her stomach was demanding that it be fed.

Kagome walked through the kitchen door to find Mana by the stove as she had expected. Mana turned to look at Kagome with a large smile. She could tell that there was something different about the young woman her employer had brought to live with them. There was a certain bounce in her step today and she seemed to radiate with light and warmth. It was the first time Mana had seen Kagome like this and hoped that the change lasted. “Good morning, Kagome. How are you feeling this morning? I was nearly beside myself when I came to check on you the other night and found you lying in the floor.”

“I’m sorry if I scared you, Mana. But after burning Sesshoumaru that morning…well, I knew that I couldn’t put off learning to control my powers anymore. I guess I might have overdone it a little though.” Kagome said with a nervous laugh.

“Oh, is that what happened to Lord Sesshoumaru’s face?? I asked him once if he was alright, but he growled and said it was nothing to worry about. How would you like your eggs this morning?”

“Scrambled, please. And yeah, I accidentally burned him when he came to wake me up from a nightmare. I apologized but still felt really bad about it…” Kagome said as a guilty look took residence in her dark blue eyes making them look like rain clouds before the downpour. “And he’s been avoiding me as if I had the plague, so hopefully now he’ll be a little more at ease around me.” And with that, the sunny smile was back.

Mana sat a plate of bacon and eggs in front of Kagome with a small bowl of rice on the side. “Well I’m glad to hear that, Kagome. I’m sure Lord Sesshoumaru will be pleased as well. What would you like to drink?”

“Orange juice, please.” Kagome answered with another bright smile. It felt good to smile again and mean it. “The way you keep waiting on me, I’m going to have a hard time adjusting when I go back home!” Kagome joked.

Mana heard the statement and fumbled with the glass, spilling some juice on the table. “Damn…I’m sorry, Kagome. I’ll clean that up right away.” Mana went to a drawer to fetch a dish rag and came back to the table. “So you’ll be leaving us someday?” Mana asked, concentrating on the mess.

“Of course…I have a family that I was taken from and I miss them. Plus, this is Sesshoumaru’s house. I don’t belong here. I’m only here for as long as he needs me.” Kagome answered as she watched Mana with curiosity.

Mana simply smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Yes…it was a silly question, wasn’t it? I suppose I just got so used to having you around and having someone to talk to that I forgot that you’d be leaving. Well enjoy your breakfast. I have some things around the house that need taking care of, as usual. When you finish, I believe Lord Sesshoumaru is in the stables if you wish to speak with him.”

“Stables?” Kagome asked around a mouthful of eggs.

“Yes, he agreed to keep a close associates prize horses while he was out of the country for an extended amount of time. He had a small set of stables built for them on the east end of the house. Just go out the back door to the gardens and go left. You’ll see them.”

Kagome hastily finished her breakfast while thinking on whether or not she’d ever seen Sesshoumaru on a horse. When she determined that she hadn’t, she thought it was odd considering it was one of the faster ways to travel 500 years ago. ‘Well,’ she finally thought as she placed her dishes in the sink. ‘I don’t guess it’s a faster way to travel when you can run much faster than a horse on your own.’

Following Mana’s directions, Kagome easily found the stables that she’d been talking about. And sure enough, upon closer inspection, Sesshoumaru was pulling a saddle out of one of the storage closets. “Sesshoumaru!” She called as she waved to him. Kagome huffed when all he did was look over at her and then go about whatever he had been doing before. “What are you doing?” She asked as she closed the remaining distance with a quick sprint.

“I’m putting a saddle on this horse. They need a fair amount of exercise and the best way to give them that is to take them out for a ride.” Sesshoumaru answered in his usual deadpan voice.

“Oh, with as many people as you have working for you I would have thought you’d have someone else to take care of the horses.” Kagome said as she turned towards one of the large animals and rubbed its long nose.

“If you insist on being out here then at least make yourself useful and get the saddle out of the third door from the end.”

“Why?” Kagome asked as she got the requested item anyway.

“Because you are going to ride one of them as well. I’ve already taken two out, so if you ride as well this will be the last trip and I will have saved time.”

Kagome stopped and nearly dropped the saddle. “But I don’t know how to ride a horse!”

“Then you will learn.”

Kagome watched as Sesshoumaru took the saddle from her and got the last horse ready for its daily ride. He led both horses outside by the reigns and handed one set to Kagome. They were beautiful creatures. The stallion was a mocha color with a black mane and tail and black socks. She was handed the reigns to the mare. She wasn’t as large as the stallion, but was completely black except for the white socks at her feet. Kagome watched as Sesshoumaru mounted his horse and looked at her expectantly. Taking a deep breath, she tried to mimic Sesshoumaru’s fluid movements but failed miserably. She didn’t get enough momentum on the way up and ended up falling to the ground with a thud.

After a few more unsuccessful attempts, Sesshoumaru grew tired of waiting and leaned down to grab her arm to steady her as she climbed up. She mumbled a “Thank you” and cleared her throat as an embarrassed blush crept its way across her cheeks. “So how do I make it go?” Kagome said as she looked around the horse in confusion.

Sesshoumaru arched an eyebrow at her phrasing. “You ‘make it go’ by applying pressure to the sides with your heels.” Sesshoumaru demonstrated and watched with concealed amusement as she followed suit. She succeeded, but lacked grace upon the animals back.

“Now how do I keep from bouncing?? Stop laughing at me!” Kagome admonished when she noticed his small smirk at her situation.

“You rode on the back of the fire cat the demon slayer kept, yes? I don’t imagine that it’s much different from that. Relax and feel your body move with the mares.” Sesshoumaru explained.

Taking his advice, Kagome relaxed and tried to remember what riding on Kirara was like. The ride smoothed almost instantly and her mare fell in step with Sesshoumaru’s stallion. “So you’re keeping these guys for a friend, huh?”

“I wouldn’t call him a friend. Acquaintance would be a better term. He is a demon who works with the human government, much like myself. He was sent overseas for an undetermined amount of time and could not find a boarding stable that would keep them for that long.”

“Is there anyone you would call a friend?”

“No. The last person I might call ‘friend’ died a very long time ago.”

“Oh? And who was that?”

“Rin.”

Kagome saw the look in his eyes and decided to leave it at that for the time being. She could understand his pain and knew why he may not want to talk about it. So she changed the topic, “Where are we going anyway?”

“There is a stream that runs through a field over that hill. I take them there, let them drink, and bring them back.”

“Alright.” She was quiet for a moment as she watched the scenery pass by very slowly. “So aren’t these supposed to be able to go faster than a walk?”

Sesshoumaru smirked at the opportunity he’d been given and nudged his horse into a gallop, leaving Kagome behind. Kagome fretted over not knowing how to do the same, but soon didn’t have to worry about it because her mare decided she didn’t want to be left behind and picked up speed to catch up with her partner.

But now Kagome had a different problem. Her bumpy ride began again and increased tenfold. She straightened her legs to steady herself and found that lifting from her seat slightly gave her a much smoother ride again. With a confident grin, Kagome leaned forward some to move with the horse as Sesshoumaru had said and was soon beside him. She almost laughed when he looked shocked for a moment at seeing her next to him, but instead settled to try and push her smaller horse to go faster and beat him to the stream he spoke of. Luckily the mare knew the familiar path they were taking, because Kagome hadn’t thought about the fact that she had no idea where she was going once her competitive streak kicked in.

Several minutes later found them slowing back down to a slow gate and eventually a stop. Kagome felt triumphant in her little race against the demon lord and tried to dismount once her horse had stopped. Unfortunately, Sesshoumaru caught up just in time to see her foot catch in the stirrup and throw her to the ground once more.

Sesshoumaru raised a perfect eyebrow at her as she tried to untangle her foot from her position on the ground, the horse ignoring her completely as it drank. Having his fill of amusement at her expense, Sesshoumaru was able to dismount in one graceful, fluid motion. He walked over to Kagome and grabbed the stirrup from her hands to lift if upward as her foot fell out. Kagome stayed in her position on the grass and covered her flushed face with her hands trying to get over her mortification. Finally daring to peek into golden eyes through her fingers she offered, “Call it a draw?”

“Quite.”

They sat in a companionable silence for some time after that just taking in nature. And since it didn't appear that her company was going to strike up a conversation anytime soon, Kagome decided to get some more mediation in to make sure her lock was holding up.

Sesshoumaru glanced over at the dark haired woman as she crossed her legs in front of her and started taking slow, deep breaths. With a devious thought running through his head, Sesshoumaru spoke “You’re not going to faint again are you?”

With that simple sentence Kagome’s concentration was broken. She turned to look at the man sitting a few feet away from her and gave him a small glare. “No, Lord Smartass,” Kagome snapped. “For your information, the only reason I passed out that time was because I had been working so hard to get my powers under control like you told me to…” Her voice trailed off as she pulled her knees up to her chest. “And I did. So you don’t have to worry anymore.”

“What makes you think that I would worry about a human like you?”

“Well you said it yourself that I was probably one of the only things that could hurt you…and…I don’t want to hurt you.”

That small confession actually surprised Sesshoumaru. But he quickly recovered and countered with, “This coming from the same woman who so fervently made it clear that she hated me when I brought her here?”

“I don’t hate you…not anymore. That was when I thought you were working with the people who took me away from my family.” Kagome said sadly. “But we’re not so different, Sesshoumaru. I think that aside from the species and gender difference, you and I are like kindred spirits…or something.” Her mood brightened a little here as smiling blue eyes met questioning gold.

“I’m sure you’re going to explain your reasoning…” Sesshoumaru coaxed as he looked out at the field ahead of him.

“The way I see it, we’ve both lost people that were very important to us like parents and friends. I think that we’ve both probably seen more horrible things than we would want to admit and that there are many things that we wish we could forget. But forgetting is the easy way out, right? So instead we remember those things that make us who we are and put on a brave face for the world. What do you think?”

“I think those are the words of a sentimental human.” But in truth, Kagome was much more correct than he would ever tell her. There were things that he wished to never think on again, but these same things had changed him into the demon that he was today. ‘Rin…’

“Would you be up to answering some of my questions now?” Kagome’s voice cut through the silence and brought Sesshoumaru out of his thoughts.

“You have answers to give first, Higurashi.”

“No way! I’ve thought about this. You said that once you had your answers you would send me away. I have no idea if I’ll ever see you again after this. So you answer all of my questions first and then I’ll answer yours.”

Sesshoumaru thought on her reasoning and saw the logic behind it. “Very shrewd, Higurashi…very well, ask your questions.”

Kagome thought for a moment on which question to start with and settled on the one weighing heaviest on her heart. “What happened to my friends? Are any of them still alive?”

“I’m not sure about some, but of course you realize that the slayer and monk have passed?” He saw her nod and continued. “Most of what I know is only through what I heard in rumors. I did not hear about what happened to the fire cat after the slayers passing.”

Kagome interrupted him there, “I might regret this, but do you know how they died?”

“I heard it was of old age in the village my brother was so fond of. I know not of the wolf demon or any of the others you encountered. The last I heard they were all alive, but that was centuries ago. The fox child that traveled with you matured in the village with the slayer and monk. He made a conscious effort to keep in touch with me, but I had other businesses to attend to. The last time I heard from him was a few decades ago. He said that he was traveling overseas to America to study some native culture.”

Kagome felt tears of joy come to her eyes at hearing that Shippo had survived this long. But she suppressed the emotions for the time being and ventured to ask about the one person that mattered most in her eyes. “And…what about Inuyasha?” She held her breath in anticipation as soon as the words left her mouth.

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes. He had enjoyed seeing her flustered, not depressed. “Are you sure you wish to know the truth, Higurashi? Once one learns the truth they are burdened with that knowledge for the rest of their days.”

Kagome swallowed the lump forming in her throat and answered in a shaking voice, “Yes.”

“About a century after your disappearance there was an inquisition of the demons. My kind was hunted without discrimination of character. If the humans could get their hands on something not of their kind…it was destroyed. Some of the other more powerful demons were able to survive this bloody period. But word was sent to me that the resurrected priestess my brother kept company with had been destroyed. With her blasphemous life, so left Inuyasha’s sanity. Even with our father’s sword in place at his side, his demon blood took over. A rampage that couldn’t be stopped followed and another demon killed him. If he was allowed to continue it would have given the humans even more conviction in killing our kind.”

Kagome sat in silence after Sesshoumaru finished speaking. She didn’t move, didn’t speak, she only sat and watched the water of the stream flow past them. Kagome stood and turned towards the black mare. “I think we should go back to the house now Sesshoumaru.” It was so soft that if he hadn’t been a demon, Sesshoumaru probably wouldn’t have heard it over the water.

Sesshoumaru watched as the girl who had been so clumsy and bubbly earlier mounted the horse as though she had been riding for years and took off towards the house. As he followed he could smell the salty tears that had fallen to the ground during her ride. She had beaten him back to the stable and he found the mare simply tied off to a post nearby. Sesshoumaru led both horses back inside and took off their equipment before closing their doors and heading inside. Seeing Kagome cry had reminded him of how he felt when Rin would do the same. It made him frustrated that he wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. He had learned centuries ago that crying females of any species could be unpredictable. While he had known that the answer would upset her, Sesshoumaru wasn’t one to lie.

When he reached the back door to his home, Sesshoumaru was greeted by an extremely worried Mana. “Lord Sesshoumaru, what happened to Kagome?? She was doing so well earlier and now she’s worse than when she first arrived!”

“She finally learned the truth about her past companions. It was apparently more than she thought she was ready for.” Sesshoumaru continued through the hallways of his home until he was outside Kagome’s bedroom door. He could hear her muffled sobs on the other side and decided to leave her alone for the moment. ‘She mourned him once already, this should pass fairly quickly.’

But how wrong Sesshoumaru found himself to be. While Kagome had mourned for Inuyasha upon returning from the past, there was always a small ray of hope that he was alive somewhere and she would find him one day. But now she knew that he would never come to her. She would never bump into him on the street, like in the movies. She would never see the man that she loved again. And this knowledge was crushing. Kagome found herself unable to do anything but cry for her lost love. Her heart ached so much it was a struggle just to breathe and she wished that it would just explode and grant her peace.

She spent days lying in bed, unmoving, and simply thinking about the past. She thought about the different arguments she and Inuyasha had and how she now wished she had handled them. If she had only known that she wouldn’t be spending the rest of her life with him as hoped, she would have been kinder and less quick to anger. The things that had annoyed her back then or the traits of his personality that had bothered her were now things that she treasured, and she would now give anything to hear him yelling at her again.

The staff that Sesshoumaru kept around his house had been trying desperately to remain out of their Lord’s way. Ever since the girl had confined herself to her room, Sesshoumaru’s ire rose each day. With his enhanced senses he was about to go insane from the sounds of her crying and the scent of her tears that now seemed to saturated his home at all hours of the day. Deciding that enough was enough on the fourth day, Sesshoumaru marched to her room and swung the door open to walk over to her bedside. “Woman, you will stop this incessant weeping at once. I will give you one hour to be out of this bed, bathed, dressed, and in the kitchen for supper. Do not test my patience.” It had come out harsher than he had intended, but he honestly couldn’t find it in himself to care right now. She was going to waste away in that bed mourning for his dead brother. If it took stern words and actions to snap her back to reality then that’s what he would give her.

Kagome heard Sesshoumaru’s words, but didn’t move. She wasn’t frightened of him or what he might do. If she had been in a proper state of mind she probably would have been, but not now. She felt as though she was back at square one. She couldn’t understand the feelings swirling inside of her. She thought that she was over Inuyasha and had mourned for his death, but she couldn’t stop the tears. She could only think how much she wanted to hear his voice again, even if he was yelling at her like he usually did. A sense of hopelessness had settled itself where her heart used to be and she wasn’t sure that she wanted it to leave. With that heavy weight smothering her heart it was hard to feel much of anything else. It made the pain slightly bearable. After all, if she couldn’t feel then she couldn’t hurt…

The hour passed and Sesshoumaru stood in the kitchen. Another half-hour passed and he was almost seeing red that she would openly disobey him while living in his house. If he couldn’t pry her out of this depression and it wouldn’t pass on its own then there was only one solution he thought might work. He walked up the stairs of the foyer and made his way to his study calling for Mana along the way. When the small woman appeared in the doorway he motioned for her to stand next to the desk. After rummaging through some drawers he found the contacts book that he was looking for. “Mana, I want you to look through this book for the number at which a Yamata Shippo can be reached. He’s going to need to know what time his flight for Japan leaves.”