A Self Called Nowhere

Every time I look in your eyes
I see Saint Peter wave

Dig my grave


--They Might Be Giants


As fast as she'd run earlier, she ran even faster than that. There was very little in the way of thought. Her mind had turned itself over to her most primitive instincts. There was nothing beyond the sound of her pounding feet and the harsh rasp of her breathing.

"You shouldn't have run," she scolded herself.

Reason had long since been overwhelmed and Kagome's mind was too far gone to care. She didn't know where she was running to. Nor did she know how long it'd take to get there, if she ever did. As long as she was running and the direction was away from the danger, then she was fine. That was good. That was just fine.

She ran until her sides hurt and she could barely breathe. Then she ran just a bit farther than that. She ran until her feet were raw and bloody. She ran until her body was screaming at her to stop, until it threatened to give out from underneath her. And only when her legs became wobbly, unsteady lumps of gelatin did she even slow. She finally stopped just short of turning into a giggling pile of flesh and hair.

With her hands braced on her knees, she stopped to catch her breath. Distantly, she hoped that she'd run far enough but something deep down felt that she hadn't. She didn't hear him pursuing her. There were no sounds in the forest to indicate anything following her, so she reasoned she was safe. It was quiet here. There were birds chirping, the wind rustling and her own labored breathing, nothing else. She strained her ears, listening for the telltale signs of an enraged youkai crashing through the forest. There was nothing and the dull haze of adrenaline began to lose its hold.

Her fear muddled mind had forgotten how fast and silent Sesshoumaru could be when he wanted to. Once his attention had been gained, nothing short of the end of the world would drag it away. He'd pursue his goals with relentless silence and he wouldn't stop until they were achieved. She'd forgotten that despite his condition, he was still a dangerous predator known for his uncanny stealth and single minded determination.

Her forgetfulness was a dangerous, possibly fatal mistake and one she'd come to regret in the very near future.

Unaware of her surroundings, she inhaled and exhaled slowly. It felt like she was breathing fire, hurting so badly that she was wracked with an uninterrupted coughing fit that lasted several minutes. Her throat was incredibly dry and she tried to clear it, gasping harshly as she attempted to breathe more normally. Slowly, her body caught up with her but exhaustion was laying heavily on her. She was tempted to fall into the grass and just pass out. It looked so comfortable to her weary eyes. Instead, she let out another series of barking coughs before spitting the loose phlegm from her throat.

She wrinkled her nose and thought, "My, how un-ladylike of me."

She just bet Kikyo never spit like that. And that thought brought a rather amused smirk to her face. There was at least one thing she knew she did better than the undead priestess. Yes, the great Higurashi Kagome had one singular talent she could laude over Kikyo. She could most definitely out spit her. Her mother would be so proud.

Straightening out her stiff back, she stretched, working out muscles that had begun to cramp. She was able to think clearly again, despite the overwhelming exhaustion in her limbs. Looking around, she took in the glade she'd happened upon. It was a small clearing that was surrounded entirely by the forest on all sides. In the middle of the glade was a rather large boulder and running right through it was a stream. Kagome realized then and there that she didn't recognize her surroundings at all. She was lost in the middle of the forest. How far had she run? The answer was pretty obvious, really far. Far enough for her to completely lose her bearings.

She frowned and then sighed, deciding that she didn't care at the moment. Her number one priority was to get some water and sit down for at least five minutes. Maybe pry out the assorted rocks and slivers of wood that had embedded themselves in her feet. After that, then...and only then would she put some thought to where the hell she was. She was pretty sure she'd given Sesshoumaru the slip. Her only concern now was circling around and back-tracking to the village. Hopefully, not running into the youkai she'd just fled from before she got the chance to get more help. She pinched her lower lip between her teeth. What if he'd found his way to the village? Gods above, she hoped he didn't. She prayed that he didn't find his way back. Prayed that he wouldn't, not before she had a chance to get there first to raise the alarm and evacuate everyone.

For now, she had herself to tend to. She hobbled around the clearing tiredly. Kneeling by the stream, she checked it carefully before taking an experimental sip. She shrugged. It seemed okay and so she gathered several handfuls of water. Gulping them down as if she'd spent a week in the Sahara. She splashed her face with it, washing off the sweat, dirt and dried youkai blood so that she could feel remotely human again. Dragging her wetted fingers through her hair, she used them to untangle it. With a long sigh, her gaze shifted to her dirty, mangled feet. Another weary sigh left her lips. Play time was over. She needed bandages for her feet, and bandages she would have. Looking down at her pajama pants, she realized the sacrifice she'd have to make. It was a terrible world she lived in...and she really liked these pants too...

Nimbly, she began working at the hem of her pants until they ripped which wasn't as easy as it sounded. Once the tedious part was done, the real work began. Using her thumb and forefinger, she carefully dug out every last splinter and stone that had made themselves at home in her flesh. It was a mind numbingly painful process and once it was done, she took the liberty of sticking her feet into the cold stream for several minutes. It not only relieved her pain, but it cleaned them off as well. Grimacing, she determined that after all this was done, she was SO going back home to take a very long, uninterrupted bath.

Escort or no escort.

Creepy well or no creepy well.

After the most agonizing thirty minutes of her life, she stood up on newly bandaged feet and looked around the clearing dreamily. Wherever she was, it was the most beautiful place she'd seen. At least, it looked that way to her now. She'd often looked death in the face during her travels here, but never before had it seemed so certain to her. And she was glad she was here. Glad she was safe, for the moment anyway. With a deep sigh, she limped into the middle of the clearing, approaching the large boulder. The sun had risen a bit higher in the sky. She looked up, and squinted her eyes as she stared at it. It might be warm today. That'd be nice. Still, it hadn't occurred to her, what with all the panicking and all, but it was still a little chilly. As the day wore on it'd probably warm up a little, but that didn't help her right now, neither did the fact that she was still dressed in only her pajamas.

In the safety and comfort of Kaede's hut her little tank top with matching pajama pants combo was an okay ensemble. But on a chilly spring morning, not so much. It didn't help matters that her pajama pants didn't so much resemble pants as they did very tattered shorts. Now her legs as well as her arms were exposed to the cool, moist air. She shivered and brought her hands up to rub her arms lightly. The large boulder looked like an inviting place to warm up. She vaulted herself up and sat down. It was a bit damp and added to her chill, but the sun would probably take care of that if she was patient. And luckily, the rising sun decided to poke through the canopy at that moment. It blessed the little clearing with a fair amount of warmth and Kagome soaked up as much as she could.

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. At least one good thing came of all this. She had one pristine moment of pure, unadulterated peace and it was intoxicating. Perhaps the morning was salvageable after all. Yawning widely, she pushed back on the heels of her hands and basked in the sun. She sat like this for a very long time. The world moved around her and she barely cared a wit. It was pleasant here. Quiet. And that was a good thing. A welcome thing after the excitement of this morning.

After a bit, the cold crept in again and the soreness in her muscles made itself known. Her feet were pulsating in pain, they were all hot and it hurt and stuff and she really wanted to go home. It'd be hell walking all the way to the village on her very injured feet, but at least they were somewhat covered now. Sighing, she supposed she should just get it over with, no matter how distasteful the thought of walking in her condition might be.

She scrunched her face up and stretched, procrastinating just a few minutes longer wouldn't hurt anything. Holding her arms out in front of her, she flexed her fingers several times before reaching up with one hand to massage her neck. She grunted as she massaged, the bones in her neck cracking a bit as she worked out the tension. Her hands made their way down her back, knuckling the muscles to get the kinks out. Yes, there would be much bathing and soaking when she went home. The clearing was beautiful and it had been a great place to catch her second wind, but it was definitely time to go. She yawned again, her eyes opening languidly mid-stretch. Her eyes widened and she froze.

Standing in the previously empty clearing was Sesshoumaru and he did NOT look pleased. Somewhere along the line he'd lost his tattered haori. Now clad in only his hakama, his gaze bore down on her. His bare chest heaved as he breathed raggedly. The wounds that covered his body were plainly visible and bleeding in the morning sun. It was a tribute to his strength that he stood there unflinchingly, though he made a rather gruesome sight. Anyone else would have passed out by now, demon or no.

Kagome could have only hoped that he would have passed out, but being that fate hated her and all, he hadn't. She gulped, looking around for a possible escape route. There were several options, none of them really good. Slowly, she slipped off the boulder so that it became an obstacle between them. This didn't make Sesshoumaru happy and she could only tell this because he growled softly. The sound caused her to freeze, staring with wide-eyed apprehension as she waited for him to do something. But he didn't make a move and the tension was killing her.

She searched the ground surreptitiously for some kind of weapon, a rock or a stick...or anything she could use against the youkai. Nothing of use. It was futile anyway. A rock or a pointed stick would hardly be enough to stop Sesshoumaru when actual weaponry couldn't even handle the task. Anyway, attacking him was a last resort. A direct conflict with him would require extreme desperation on her part or a death wish. She wasn't quite desperate yet and she certainly didn't feel like dying.

So, it was running again. Adrenaline surged at the prospect and she had to force herself to control the panic. It hadn't helped her before and she realized this time she'd have to be a bit craftier about it. This time she'd have to make certain he wouldn't catch up with her. She'd have to outwit him. The only flaw in this plan was the outwitting him part. Sure, he was in the thrall of a powerful bloodlust right now but he was still Sesshoumaru. He wasn't like Inuyasha, who was rash and didn't bother to think things through. He was quite the opposite, cold and calculating, his mind might be all instinct, but it was that very instinct that made him so dangerous. So good at what he did. It wasn't the instinct of a foolish child; it was the ingrained instinct of a born and bred hunter.

Staring at his silent visage for a beat, she decided that planning was pretty much useless. She was like Inuyasha, doing her best and worst thinking on her feet. There was little chance she'd out think Sesshoumaru anyway. Bolting away from the rock, she took off in the opposite direction from where Sesshoumaru stood. Not the brightest idea, in fact, it was pretty blatantly stupid, but Kagome was willing to own up to her idiotic choices. Sure, it was predictable but she always believed in trying even the stupidest plans. You never know when one might work out.

She felt a bold moment of triumph before reality came crashing in on her. Running forward blindly, she collided with a solid wall of reality. She hit it with such force that she lost her footing and fell backwards, her arms pin-wheeling in the air uselessly. Landing hard on her backside, she gave a pained glance up. Sesshoumaru had been the wall and he was glaring down at her with eyes voided by dark ichor. He snarled and lunged. She rolled to the side just barely and jumped to her feet, not taking time to marvel at her unexpected grace despite the fact that her feet pulsed in pain. With little to no thought, she took to her heel again and ran like a bat out of hell.

He appeared before her again, effectively cutting off her escape route with little trouble. She'd forgotten about his speed, and skidding to a stop, she changed direction abruptly at the last minute. In a blur of white light, he blocked her path again. Her reflexes failed her and when she tried to skid to a stop again, she lost her footing. She landed on her side, skinning the flesh on her arm and hand. Back-peddling, she scrambled to her feet. He stood facing her. She stood facing him. Neither of them moved. Both were breathing harshly by this point.

Kagome licked her lips, realizing that she really did HAVE to have a plan. Otherwise, she might not get out of this alive. She watched him warily. When she stopped, so had he. When she moved to the right, so did he. To the left, he followed. If she stepped back, he stepped forward. He wasn't going to let her go, yet he didn't seem all that intent on simply catching and killing her either. It was as if...as if he was waiting for something.

She didn't care to find out what that was.

Making as if she was going to start running to the left, she watched him follow. She sped up, and quickly feinted to the right, barely slipping past him. Grinning inwardly, she felt a puff of air as she passed him. It worked! Or so she thought.

Any triumph she had was deflated instantly as she was yanked backwards. She twisted away but only because he let her. It didn't matter to her how she escaped; only that she did. Breaking into a stumbling run, the world narrowed to a pinpoint. She didn't even get ten steps from him before she was hauled backwards once more. Everything blurred into a world of formless color as she was wrenched around. She was thrown to the ground in a tumbling heap. Left to gasp for breath on the ground, her hands clenching uselessly as she tried to stop the world from spinning. Pushing her palms to dirt, she lifted herself up and attempted to stagger away. She was thrown back again. Confused and disoriented, Kagome didn't do much more than just lay there, gasping for breath like a stranded fish. The shark took its opportunity and clenched her in his figurative jaws.

One minute she was breathing, albeit with a slight bit of difficulty, the next, she was not. She'd been grabbed around the neck, and hauled off her feet so that they dangled several inches off the ground. By instinct, she grabbed the wrist attached to the hand and began clawing at it in a feeble attempt to force the person behind the hand to let go. She whimpered hoarsely as spots danced in front of her eyes. Her throat burned with the need to breathe. Dimly, in the very back of her mind, she realized she was going to die. She didn't want to die, but she didn't know if she could fight.

Her face crumpled in pain and with her consciousness fading fast, she tried one last gamble. Concentrating, as well as she could all things considered, she summoned a purifying fire. The power flickered for a moment before it burst from her fingers, crackling briefly. As quickly as it had come, it faded. It flared to life and then died no less than three times before it finally did as she wanted. Her mind screamed with manic desperation as nothing happened. She could feel herself fading, and the cries inside her mind became dull, listless things. Despite this, she still tried to pull her power from within, tugging the mental strings connecting her to the divine with weary anxiety. Black had seeped into her vision by this time and she could feel everything sinking away from her. The world was cast into darkness and she hoped that the ballad they'd write about her wreck would be really, really good. Shrieking violet light brought her back from the darkness, erupting from her skin like a nuclear explosion.

The sudden blast of power unbalanced her attacker and though it loosened his grip on her neck, he didn't let go of her. His hand snaked out and caught her by the shoulder. Claws dug into her flesh as they were blasted backwards together. They hit the ground at the same time, tumbling and rolling from the sheer, ferocious momentum of her attack. Coming to an uncomfortable stop, the glade went absurdly quiet. And as the dust settled, it was Kagome who was the first to regain her senses.

She groggily opened her eyes a crack, wincing at the pain in her shoulder...and pretty much everywhere else. Her palms were a mass of abrasions and dirt, and it hurt like hell to even think of using them. But it had to be done. Sadly, her arms didn't really feel like obeying her. They lay at her side like two big, heavy things and she realized ruefully that they were entirely useless, at least for the moment.

"Well, this just sucks..." she hissed under her breath, groaning in defeat.

She buried her face in what she thought was the ground. But then she realized that the ground wasn't quite so pliable and sweaty smelling. The ground wasn't smooth or soft and though it was squishy sometimes, it wasn't nearly as squishy as what her face was pressed into. Though to be fair, it was sort of a taut kind of squishy...like it went to the gym kind of squishy.

It was with white hot fear that she realized where she was, it was a sudden and definitely unwelcome realization. On top of him. She was on top of him. She was lying on top of him. Not even able to say his name without embarrassment, she blushed fiercely before regaining her senses.

Bolting upright, she attempted to scramble away from him. Something jerked her back and in her panic she tried to free her captured hand with animal desperation. But nothing would loosen his hold. Pain lanced through the panic and she abruptly stopped struggling.

She sat silently in front of him, trembling like a leaf while he held her wrist tightly in his hand. His claws bit into the thin flesh of her wrist. It was uncomfortable but hardly agonizing. Wincing a little, she stared at him with a look of annoyance mixed with wild-eyed fear. He gazed back at her with clear exhaustion. His eerie black eyes pierced her own with a lucid, yet vacant gaze that was highly disturbing. It made her uncomfortable and she tensed, pulling her wrist a little to test his hold on her. She paused, frowning a little as she wondered, absently, how the hell she was going to get out of this alive and intact.

His mouth hung open as he gasped for breath. Each inhalation and subsequent exhalation was followed by a disturbingly thick shudder in his chest. It sounded quite a bit like a death rattle, much to her dismay. She tilted her head, taking a long, hard look at him and really looking at him, he looked bad. Really, really bad. Like on his death bed bad.

The skin around his eyes was sunken in and darkened, giving him a hollow look. Like a ghost or a drunk who gambled his entire fortune away. His skin was naturally quite pale, but it seemed to have reached a new level in the last few days. It was nearly translucent white but with a waxy complexion. Even his markings seemed to be affected by his illness. The magenta stripes on his cheeks were thin and so light that they were barely visible. Kagome had to squint to see them. The crescent moon on his head had fared a bit better. It was still visible, but it had faded to a pale blue and its edges were almost indistinct as it began to blend with his skin. His hair had dulled and hung limply around his face. The excess of effort this morning had taken its toll on him and he could no longer suppress its effects. She hadn't had any idea that he was in such a bad way...had she known...

She furrowed her brows. Any fear had long since disappeared. She'd been everyone's medic for the last few years and it was just instinct by now to jump from fighting to caring for another's wounds. His hold on her wrist began to loosen as somewhere deep inside it registered to him that she wasn't going to leave. It tightened briefly and he pulled her close. She squeaked in surprise but didn't resist. Thankfully he hadn't pulled her into his lap again but he was still much too close for comfort. All the same, she stayed. And in return, the hold on her wrist loosened considerably. If she really wanted to, she could easily tug her hand out of his grasp but she didn't. He still could attack her and part of her was waiting for it, but he didn't.

He was too weak. She could see that now. More than see it, she could feel it. Through the strange connection to him, she knew it. But there was more. Being so close to him, she could feel the heat of fever radiating off of him. She could see the bright flush in his cheeks. His breathing was harsh and raspy, and the sound seemed to echo in her ears. Each inhalation was a struggle. Each exhalation was forced out with slow urgency.

And she could do nothing but sit here, waiting for a cue...for some sign that'd tell her what she needed to do.

He did nothing.

He sat quietly in front of her, wheezing and panting with his hand still placed limply on her wrist. His head bobbed as he tried to keep himself upright. He stared numbly at the forest floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. His eyes opened and the closed several times, each one slower than the last, as if he was fighting off sleep. She watched with fascination as they closed for what seemed to be the last time. His head bowed slowly and he leaned forward, his bangs lightly brushing against her own.

She swallowed hard, biting her lip in agitated anticipation.

His eyes opened again, slowly, so very slowly. Blinking languidly, his gaze seemed to shift towards her face. Something escaped from under his lid and she took it for a tear until it ran down his face. The not-tear was a raw and open rivulet that flowed like a river across his flesh, staining a trail behind it in brash crimson. Another fell and then another and another, until his eyes were overflowing with it and his cheeks were awash in a steady stream of reddish-black fluid. It was with horror that she realized what it was she was seeing. Blood. He was bleeding from his eyes.

"Oh...God..." She exhaled, her voice sounding hoarse and helpless.

This was the last stage of the poison. Miroku had told her about it. Warned her that if he started to bleed from his eyes that it was too late and if that happened, what she should do.

Miroku's deep and sonorous voice echoed soundlessly in her head, "Put him out of his misery, Kagome."'

The end would be too long and painful, and even Sesshoumaru didn't deserve such a death. She knew what she should do but something inside her wouldn't let her do that to him. It wasn't right, a youkai like him being felled like this. Under the influence of a powerful poison, only to be killed by human, it was degrading, and all for the amusement of Naraku. No, this wouldn't stand. She wouldn't...couldn't allow one of Naraku's dark schemes to succeed.

Her face crumpled and gently, she reached out to wipe away the blood that stained his cheeks. The minute her hand neared his cheek, he leaned into the touch as if he craved it. His cheek came into contact with her hand and as tenderly as she could, she cupped it. She gasped, feeling overwhelmingly strange emotions war within her. This wasn't right but she couldn't stop it. She shouldn't have such power over him. To make Sesshoumaru, who hated humans so much, want her touch...to lean into it as if he was receiving a prize. It was deeply, deeply wrong. And what was more was that somewhere inside, she didn't mind. She wanted it almost as much as he and it was wrong. Maybe that's what the problem was. Its wrongness. Compassion was a good thing but too much compassion could get you into trouble. Yet here she was, throwing caution to the wind.

She shut out the nagging voices and curled her fingers, gently wiping the blood from his cheeks. His eyes closed and he looked almost relieved. Wiping her hands on her pants, she repeated the process on his other cheek. Not that it mattered much, because they were both soon caked in blood once more. But it was the gesture that counted.

His breathing slowed and became considerably more labored. The hand around her wrist went entirely limp and she felt him gradually lean forward as the rest of his body followed suit. He swayed abruptly and collapsed into her waiting arms.

"S-S-Sesshoumaru!"

She struggled with his limp and unyielding body, trying, with increasing desperation, to keep it from crushing her. That he was heavy was no surprise, exactly how heavy he turned out to be, was.

"...Omfph..." She let the strangled sound out, grimacing as she felt her back giving out.

Kagome wanted to cry at that precise moment. She wanted to cry like the world's biggest baby for a number of reasons, none of which she was at liberty to list. There were just too damn many, though the foremost being that she didn't want to be here with him like this. It was bad enough when Inuyasha got all screwed up, what with not having control of his demon blood on account of him being a hanyou. She understood his problem. His problem made sense. Sesshoumaru, now there was a conundrum. She sort of got the gist of his current problem but it was still hard to wrap her head around it. Yet what could she do? Crying about it wouldn't help. And this was where the conundrum part came in.

First, she might have a changed opinion of him, but at the same time, he clearly didn't like humans. If he was in his right mind there was no way he'd accept her help, even if he needed it. Sure, he sort of initiated the helping phase on his own but she chalked that up to his being currently bereft of sanity. So the question was, should she help him? She was so unsure. Not just because she was uncomfortable with the idea of helping a pseudo-enemy but also because...this all just felt wrong.

The things that Miroku and Sango had mentioned had finally penetrated the thick layer of stubbornness that kept her from seeing more clearly. This could lead to that ambiguous danger that Sango had mentioned. This...this...whatever it was she was contemplating could bring the ritual full circle and if it were completed, what would happen? She didn't know but something had to be done. And from out of nowhere, the funny sounding foreign word came to mind. The one that sounded like it was out of some obscure Indian sex manual, which was a rather disturbing thought and one she spent exactly NO time thinking too hard about.

Kanya Samprayuktaka...

Sango had said something about strengthening auras. Perhaps it was as innocent as that, but she wasn't so naive as to believe any spell came without cost. Something would have to be given in order for the ritual to work, and what that might be and whether or not she was willing to give it was the crux of the issue.

Would the end justify the means?

She really didn't know...