A/N: THANK YOU for the many votes, which resulted in BloodStained getting First Place in Best Drama and Third Place in best Lemon Fic (Does that mean I owe you guys a lemon? Ahah).
Thank you to the amazing Daniella for beta-reading and putting up with my addiction to commas.
Blood Stained
Chapter 73: Impossible Solution
Those red eyes.
She knew them too well.
She swallowed hard while pressing her back against the wall. She should have known that such a situation would have brought him out of his hiding place. Still, her bottom lip was quivering and she was holding her breath, unable to do anything else. It felt like someone was trying to strangle her, the air refusing to make it past her throat. Se had obviously faced his beast more than once in the past, but this time felt more terrifying than the others.
This time, she didn't know what to expect.
He was not the beast she was used to. He didn't want her, he didn't wish to speak to her and he had created the distance between them. She wasn't even sure if she was supposed to talk or remain as still as possible. Would he stick around, or would he run away from her like he had kept doing since he had been back in Sesshomaru's body?
Kagome was almost surprised when he pulled away from her, stood tall and stared at her as if she was a stranger. His eyes were cold and void of any feelings. He kept making eye contact with her for a few more seconds before he turned around. Without uttering a single word, he began to walk away from her, leaving Kagome shocked and stunned.
What in the world…
Despite the fact that her heart was pounding, a part of her was relieved to see it walk away. Her other half knew this could not end this way however. If she let him leave, she would have to find him again and repeat the process all over again. If she wanted this to be over, she had to deal with it now. She clenched her hand into a fist before gathering the courage to move.
Kagome was about to take her first step in his direction when all of the sudden he ceased all movements almost scaring her at the same time. His actions were slow while he turned his head and glared right at her.
"Do not follow me." The way he ordered her rubbed her the wrong way and she couldn't help but frown. For months she had done as he had said just in the hopes of surviving, in the hopes of living with the least amount of pain possible. He had made her obey just so it could be somewhat bearable. After everything he had put her through, she would not listen to him anymore.
Even if what he said technically made sense considering their past: she should want to be as far as possible from him.
"No," she said, challenging him.
If it hadn't been for the façade she was working so hard to keep up, she would have winced. It was true that she had stood up to the beast more than once in the past, but this time she was doing it while trying to get the upper hand. Before, she was doing it just to keep a little bit of her dignity. He was everything she hated, everything she had fought against.
He had turned her life into a real nightmare; he had taken away her pureness and everything she cared for. Her love, her freedom and her life; it had all been tainted. He had made her want to give up life. He had shown her a darkness she hadn't known before. This was the being that had turned her into a completely different person, taking her soul and stretching it to its limit. She owed him nothing while he owed her everything.
Tears were burning her eyes as she thought about all of the things she wanted to scream at him. She was mad that he dared to walk away on her. He had no fucking right to walk out on her. It was her right to yell until she had no voice, scream until he was deaf and control HIS life. Her breathing was heavy as she parted her lips ready to speak her mind.
The whole time he had remained completely quiet, simply watching her, waiting for her to make the first move. His head was tilted, his hair getting blown by the soft wind. He could remember the last time he had seen such an expression of anger upon her soft beautiful features; it was a little over five hundred years ago.
"You can't walk away."
He quirked his head to the side even more.
"I can." Yet, despised his words he remained where he stood.
She shook her head, holding back the tears. "You can't do this. You can't drag me through hell, force me by your side because you love me and then toss me aside. You can't just leave. You imposed yourself on me, you did things to me nobody should have done to them against their will. You never gave a damn about me only yourself and your desires."
Kagome took a small pause using the time to compose herself slightly "After all of your words and actions, you're going to walk away on me? NO! I will not have gone through all that just for you to decide you didn't really want it. You can't make someone suffer like that and then decide it meant nothing. It's not fair!"
Yes, she did prefer it if he hated her. But it would mean everything he put her through was meaningless, it meant he might as well have not done it… but he did do it. He couldn't have felt so strongly about her only to decide she was worthless. She wouldn't stand for that. The least he could do was provide her with some explanations; he owed her that.
"Why don't you care anymore, why don't you want me anymore?"
"Isn't this what you always wanted?" His question took her by surprise but she quickly formed an answer anyway. "Yes, but…"
"You claimed you hated me, that you did not wish to be by my side. You now have your freedom, yet you keep chasing me." "But you can't just change your mind!" she almost begged.
Sesshomaru took a step in her direction.
"You're changing yours. You might feel the same about me, but you do not feel the same about him." "But I didn't put him through what you put me through. You can't possibly do everything you did to me and decided it didn't mean anything!"
"I can do as I please." "No, NO! You did as you pleased enough in the past," she said before stomping her foot against the ground. "You can't do it anymore."
"You never fought this hard in the past. Why do you fight for him now? How is he different from me? We are the same." "I'm not fighting for him, I'm fighting for me."
"But you came looking for him. He guided you to him through your bond. You didn't have a bond with us in the past." "It doesn't matter why I care for him." She wasn't about to share her feelings with him, he was nothing, he was no one.
"It does. You never cared for me." She held her breath for a second. "You're jealous, so you're running away?"
It made no sense. Jealousy could not be the reason why he avoided her and ran away from her. If he was jealous, he would probably try to get her even more. It was a wrong guess, yet it didn't explain why he was standing still, not looking upset by her accusation. The more time went by, the more she almost preferred his old self; at least she could tell what he was feeling.
"I cannot be jealous. You were never mine, correct?" She was almost ready to argue with him, but everything fell flat. She blinked a few times, confused about the fact that she had to… agree with him? "No I never was."
He nodded.
"You aren't his either." Those words hurt a little.
"If you aren't mine, you cannot be his. We are one. You might have enjoyed a little piece of happiness from him, but it was proven he cannot be the only one there. I have to be there." His selfishness was making her sick to her stomach. "So if you knew you had to be there, why weren't you?"
"He showed me everything. This was what you wanted. This was the way to make it right. You only had him." He had mated her because he thought it was the right thing to do. He loved her and he knew she was the one. She had proven that she could handle her own and she had turned out to be a wonderful mother. He had felt immense pain when she had been away from him and had almost wished for death. His desire for her had been great and he had done everything he could to make her happy while trying to bond with her.
He had tried to do everything at once. Yes, she had been unhappy, but so were most females at the beginning of a mating. It should have worn off… and it hadn't. She had kept getting more miserable and she had defied him! How could she defy him! Every female knew that they had to show their alpha respect. Even with all those time she had stained his pride he had not punished her as strongly as anyone else would have.
During their times together, he had wanted her happy while he had suffered the absence of her touch and love. He had tried to give her as much of those two things as he could but she had not appreciated it. How long had he been longing to receive the same treatment from her but he had never gotten it? He had done all he could while not forgetting himself and the rules to make her happy.
She had never wanted any of it.
Then he had come along. He had done nothing but apologize and be weak. Yet, he was the one who had ended up with everything. He hadn't done anything to prove his devotion; he hadn't done anything to be the alpha male. How was he supposed to protect her when he was weak and obedient? How was he going to protect their son?
Why did she care for him?
"This was what you wanted. Only him without me." She swallowed hard while the bitter truth she already knew washed over her. "But he can't be himself, he can't live without you."
"Now you understand. You can't have him the way you want him. You need to have him with me." She had always known that. Of course, a part deep within her had always hoped there would be a way around it. Maybe his beast would be different, maybe Sesshomaru didn't need it. It was cruel to let him be half of himself, especially when it was killing him. However, when the truth was being told to her by the beast itself, it had a different effect on her.
"He'd be so much better without you."
"You only have him because I took you. The way you feel around us you would have never felt. The son you have you would never have. You say I took everything from you, but I love you. I gave you everything you have. He wouldn't be who he is and he would not be in your life." Five hundred years ago, she would have never thought Sesshomaru and she would have any kind of relationship. The one they did end up having, she didn't want. Now, things were a bit different. Their current relationship… had nothing really wrong with it. Sesshomaru was a different person, yet himself. Just like everyone, the years had changed him and the guilt had given him a new perspective on life.
She had nothing against that Sesshomaru. And she loved her son. She didn't love the person she was forced to become because of the pain he had inflicted upon her. She did understand life came with hurdles, but not everyone had this kind of pain to overcome. Perhaps one day, when she figured out how to deal with all of it, she'd be stronger.
For now, she felt weaker than ever.
She didn't have control over her reactions and fear and the same darkness as before still filled her heart. She had somewhat failed to her duty, still not knowing what the fate of the jewel was and everything else was a mess. She used to go head first into problems, solve them and accept even the bad things. Until him, the worst thing she had to overcome was the pain of being nothing more than a copy.
Inuyasha had been interested in her in the beginning because she was Kikyo. He hadn't wanted her for who she was… just for whom she looked like. Then, she had suffered the agony of him picking Kikyo over her and it was with a smile that she had stayed by his side. She had always found her own happiness, even in dark situations.
Why couldn't she do it anymore?
"Maybe so, but it doesn't mean you did it the right way. If you love me, you wouldn't have done things this way. You never stopped to ask me what I wanted."
"Because you wanted that filthy hanyou!" For the first time, emotions could actually be heard in his voice. Jealousy. If he hadn't acted as fast as he had she would have been Inuyasha's instead of his.
He took a step forward in her direction.
"Would you have said no to him? Would you have refused to be his? No. What was I supposed to ask you? Men do not ask. They did not then. They picked their woman and they took her." Kagome couldn't help but be stunned by his choice of words. "Back then?"
He had always mixed both eras together, never making the distinctions. Unlike Sesshomaru, he didn't know the differences and he didn't care about them. Could it be that he now knew?
"This is what he wanted me to know: that this world is different. I saw. I still did what was right. The pain was killing me, not him. He can't understand." "What pain?"
"The pain of not being with you. The pain of knowing I was losing you." She couldn't help but feel as if he was lying. His timing did not make any sense. "You came to me that day in the forest…. I wasn't with Inuyasha yet. You didn't do it because you thought you were losing me."
It wouldn't excuse his actions even if he had felt like he was losing her, but she knew he wasn't. At that point even she still thought Inuyasha was all over Kikyo.
"He spoke of you… to her. I heard him. I knew there was no more time." The hanyou had never been able to make up his mind. He was supposed to have the luxury of time to make her his. But he didn't. He had wanted to make Sesshomaru want her before he went after her. All he had been able to do was take control and take her. He had put his claim on the female that was to become his mate and bear his children.
What was so wrong about that?
It was not the way she did things, but it was the way he did.
Now, things were done her way and not his.
Was it so wrong to do things according to where you lived, where you were raised? Nobody would shame him for taking her AND mating her. If he had used her and tossed her aside without her consent, it would have been more shameful. But he marked her as his, he claimed a mate, a wife. Many men and youkais did that back then.
She hated him for doing something that was common because she didn't understand it. She wanted him to understand so badly her side, her customs… but why did she refuse to understand his?
"He didn't love you. Even if he chose you, it was simply because he understood that his relationship with the dead Miko was impossible. He also wished to live. You were only to logical choice. I picked you. Despite it causing conflict with us, splitting us. You were not a left over and you did not resemble anyone. I chose you." He knew it was her since their first meeting. She was the girl who did not fear him, the one who pulled out the sword and the one who did not die by his hand. As a matter of fact, he had even lost an arm because of her. Sesshomaru might have ignored her, but he hadn't been able to. Every meeting they had she had shown to be even more worthy.
"He didn't want you, but he still took nobody else, even before he changed. It was only you. Always. Both of us were devoted to you. Yet only he was rewarded." "Because he didn't do anything I didn't want."
"In my eyes I honored you. In yours I destroyed you. You might come from a different time but so do I. I was forced to see the world through your eyes but you never looked at my world." "Because your world is unfair."
A world where it was okay to take women to do what you pleased… it couldn't be right. There were women, strong and independent like Sango…why would they want this for a life when they could have so much more, when they could chose what they wanted?
"You only know your world. The one where you were given everything and every right. It wasn't always that way. Had I taken anyone else, they wouldn't have run away, they would have even been happy. You never let me make you happy. You let him and it worked." For a moment, Kagome found herself completely speechless. Had she let Sesshomaru make her happy? Well, she certainly hadn't kicked him out of her life and she had allowed herself to get close to him. Still, she had let him be in her life because he hadn't been as awful to her as the beast had. He had mistreated her and he had not cared but he hadn't taken her body against her will.
"You didn't do it just once. You kept taking my body over and over even though I hated it."
"Your body enjoyed it. I thought your mind would too one day. I also gave you a child; I know you longed for one. I saw you with the kit." "I didn't want to have a child who would have a monster for a father."
"Was I a monster to Rin?" "No," she quickly answered. She could call him every name, insult him, but she could never say he wronged the little girl. "Then doesn't it hurt you to know I'm her?"
"I did not think I did anything wrong. It's wrong for you because you're from here. I wasn't." She felt her blood boil slightly. The fact that he didn't see things her way didn't erase anything he did. He violated her while she begged and tried to save herself. Nothing could ever excuse that.
"It doesn't change anything!"
The beast felt something within snap. He had always lost his control, snapped and did as he pleased around her. He was controlling his feelings, trying to leave but she was being stubborn. No matter what he tried to do, her anger only rose each time. What did she expect him to do? She was only proving further than only physical strength worked against her.
"It will never change anything. To you." He took a few more steps in her direction while the red in his eyes seemed to intensify. There was but a few inches between them and Kagome could not increase the distance since her back was already against the wall. She tilted her head back and began taking shorter, quicker breaths. She knew he was trying to intimidate her; she was trying to make sure it didn't work.
Still, it was hard to chase aside that suffocating feeling.
"I gave you everything. I tried everything I could do to make you happy while going with along with my rules, with what I knew. Nothing will make you happy." One tear escaped her eyes as she shook her head. "I was perfectly happy before you came in to my life."
"Where you?" he inquired, a semi-smirk upon his face.
"You were in love with someone who put you last. You were stuck between two worlds. You didn't belong anywhere." "Inuyasha had chosen me."
"By default. But did you ignore that?" "He chose me because he wanted to be with me. He didn't… He didn't force me to be with him."
"I gave you a child, I gave you love, I gave you attention and devotion. Just because it was not the way you expected it to be, you did not want it. I loved you the way I knew how. You hated me the way you knew how." "I just hated you. I just hate you."
"No matter what I do it's not enough for you. I gave you him alone, just him. That's what you wanted, but it was killing him. You risked everything bringing be back. I did that. I did that for you. You didn't want me. I put you through everything horrible, everything that destroyed you. I gave you the one thing you wanted; I was gone." "Him being dead is what I wanted?"
"That's what you wished for. Just him and that would kill him. You can't just have one of us. You need both of us or there's none of us." Kagome shook her head violently. "Back then, you were merging. That would leave only one of you. Yet you would live. Why can't this happen? Why can't he over take you?"
"If we merged we wouldn't be just one half. We'd be two halves together. There he was alone." "How did you leave? How could you disappear? You're him aren't you?"
At first, he wasn't quite sure himself how it was happening, but as the days went by he began to understand.
"I was inside. Just like your own powers were locked away, I locked his away. I was the dam holding the power back. It was too much to handle for him and he bled and he suffered." "He is you. Why would you want to die; why would you want to suffer?"
How could he make such a clear distinction between himself and Sesshomaru when she herself couldn't? They were part of the same person no matter how much she hated and loathed that. She had gone to a new level with Sesshomaru despite her fears; he had been able to make her feel comfortable. She had been able to be at ease in his presence, even in a situation that terrified her.
Now she felt like it was all ruined.
"I would not suffer more than I already do now. You feel pain, but I do too. You refuse to see the things I see, feel the things I feel." She was being selfish and she had always been selfish. He had tried to make her desires come first but it meant nothing to her. How could he make her understand; how could he make her see? Memories and thoughts he did not want had been forced upon him. Her vision… he had seen it all. Why didn't she want to get into his mind?
He finally closed the distance between them, his chest pressing against her as he glanced down. The situation felt oddly familiar. He put a hand on her shoulder, feeling her tremble under him. Perhaps it was the knowledge that he would not be locked away that scared her or maybe it was just his presence alone.
He squeezed her shoulder a bit before approaching his face to her. Kagome held her breath, almost smashing her head into the brick wall trying to avoid his touch. "No," she said with a firm tone.
"If I was him, you would let him. You let him kiss you plenty of times. So tell me…would you kiss me if my eyes were a different color?" Her heart was pounding in her chest, her lips were dried and her mind was working in overdrive. She didn't care about him; she didn't have to speak the awful truth. If he remained the same, if his eyes just were amber, yes she would kiss him. But the eyes meant more than just eyes, it represented just who was in control, who she was kissing.
"No. We are the same person no matter what. You just ignore it," he said as if he was reading her mind.
She popped her lips together before closing her eyes. "I would." Admitting it caused tears to spill from her eyes.
It killed her that they shared a body. It killed her that he looked this way because it reminded her of the monster inside, the one who had put her through hell. It only made her think that she was even more insane by being with Sesshomaru. It made no sense while making complete sense. She swallowed hard as her bottom lip began to quiver.
Before he responded, he tilted his head to the side slightly and growled. Kagome arched an eyebrow, a bit confused, but quickly enough the beast refocused his attention on her.
If he couldn't have her, it wasn't fair that Sesshomaru had her. Thus, she was not theirs; they didn't have the right to be with her. Perhaps he was jealous, but it didn't matter. Either they had both had her, or neither had her. He had done his best to convince Sesshomaru that Kagome was better off without them, but he refused to budge.
Maybe he could use her fear to scare her away.
He went to move closer to her, but before their lips could meet, he was stopped. Even if he gave himself a small push forward, he could not kiss her. He could feel Kagome's breath tickling his lips while her tears overflowed from her eyes. He couldn't do this; he couldn't force it upon her. His rage began to spread throughout his body as he held back a scream of anger.
"He has nothing more than me." "He respects me. He cares for me." She didn't know what made him stop his actions but she was grateful. "He loves me."
She could still hear him telling her and she remembered the way she hadn't returned the sentiment. He didn't mind though, he had simply been very sweet to her. This was who she wanted back, yet it seemed it was who she couldn't have. Why did the beast always have the upper hand? Sesshomaru was strong she knew it; why couldn't he be the one in charge?
"I love you more than him, I loved you before him. He thought you were worthless, not worth his time. Why can't you forgive him that?" "Because he's genuinely sorry, because he didn't take from me and still isn't. My life is my own."
The beast couldn't help but scoff at her reply.
"Your life is your own. What about his life? Is he supposed to wait around for you to make up your mind? What if you can't? Will you toss him aside like he means nothing? I was thrown aside. You do not know the pain I experienced." She pinched her lips together while her head tilted to the side. "Pain?"
"I loved you and you threw me away like I meant nothing. Will you do the same again? You might move on, you might love again, he won't. One mate. That is all." Her eyes were red and burning, but it didn't stop the fury in her heart. "I'm not toying with him. If Sesshomaru wasn't comfortable with the situation, he'd tell me."
"Would he? Because I'm fairly certain that if he did, he would lose his one chance with you." No. She was not playing a game with him. She gave this a chance because she really wanted to try. She had done a lot so far and many times Sesshomaru had told her it was okay, that they were following her rhythm. If he didn't like the current relationship they had, he would have said something. The beast simply wanted her to doubt him.
"Do you know how much he wants you? Do you know how much he wants to taste you? How long do you think he can keep himself in check?" "He wouldn't."
Sesshomaru might have been an asshole in the past, but even he wouldn't have gone that far even back then. She knew that meant he wouldn't now. She had her fears and trust issues, but she could not place blame on him where he was not at fault. He would not abuse her; he would not betray her trust in him like that. It had taken everything from her to offer him what little she had… he wouldn't cross the limit.
"I know him, I know his inner thoughts." "Not because he wants me so much that he will take me. Not everyone is like you. Sesshomaru is not a monster. I care for him. I don't care about you."
The way she kept saying she cared, the way she kept saying he was different was infuriating. WHY did she refuse to understand she was speaking about the same person? It was so unfair. He loved her more, he loved her better. He was the one that made sure Kagome would be theirs, so why was he the only one suffering? Why did his other half get to be happy?
Why wouldn't she love him and forgive him?
"Don't you understand you can't have him if I'm not there? What will you do?" His question left her without a voice. She had been with Sesshomaru for so long now that she didn't know what it was like to be without him. He had helped her heal some of her wounds and he was patiently waiting to help her with the remaining ones. Could anyone else ever understand her? Could anyone else ever make her feel safe?
As the amount of tears spilling from her eyes increased, all she could do was shake her head. "I don't know."
Her answer left the beast with a bittersweet taste in his mouth. She would rather give him up then to accept him as a whole. Her hatred for him apparently knew no boundaries. She would remain with her point of view, only thinking that what he did to her was pain when all he had tried to do was love her. The pain she brought him meant nothing to her.
"Then you cannot have him. Go." There was a hint of pain in his voice then that he was unable to hide.
He decided to not give her a chance to answer and he pulled away. After one long glance at her, he turned around. A part of him thought she would stop him, just like she had stopped Sesshomaru. However, the more footsteps he took, the further he was from her and the more silent she was. She truly denied him. She didn't want him.
A sadness like he had never known before filled his heart completely. The intensity of the feeling could easily be explained; it was not only his sadness, it was his as well. It could not be avoided. They both cared for her, it was the only thing they had in common apparently.
As the shock hit Kagome, she fell straight to the ground, her knees hitting it first. She brushed her knees as the puddle she had fallen in splash around. Her hair was heavy, almost hiding her face and she was completely soaked by the heavy rain. It was dark and cold but she ignored it all. The only thing she was able to do was watch him walk away with a burning desire to stop him.
"Kagome?"
At the sound of her name, she managed to gather the strength to raise her head. She found Kouga standing in front of her just as soaked as she was. His blue eyes were filled with sadness while he crouched down beside her and quickly wrapped his arms around her. As soon as they made contact, her head collapsed on his shoulder and she cried.
He had been there the entire time trying to figure out if it was right to come out of his hiding or not. He had almost been found out, thinking the beast would reveal he was there when he growled at him, but he hadn't. Kouga had watched, torn, waiting for his moment. He had wanted to let Kagome confront the beast; he had wanted her to free her heart from the pain.
Of course if the situation had gotten dangerous, he would have intervened. Unfortunately, it had turned out worse; she was heart broken.
He tried to hold her closer, he attempted to comfort her, but he could feel her shattering to pieces in his arms. He didn't think anyone would have answered any differently than she had. He took her life yet another part of him gave her a new one. The person she hated the most and the person she cared for the most where one person.
How was she supposed to choose?
It was then that Kouga felt her move in his arms and he loosened his hold to allow her freedom. Slowly Kagome raised her head and look straight into his eyes, the rain and tears mixing on her face. She parted her lips, but said nothing. All she did was stare. Kouga gently brought his hand to her face, brushing her cheek with his thumb.
"It'll be okay," he said, attempting to make her feel better.
"He's leaving. I'm going to lose him."
Kouga shook his head. "No you won't. We'll figure this out."
"How?" she pleaded. "He is right. If I want Sesshomaru… I have to accept him whole."
"A youkai's beast is not always around Kagome. It's not like you experienced. If Sesshomaru and he could… find a way to keep a balance, it would be okay."
"But he would still be inside."
"Yes, but he wouldn't come out. Their desires tore them apart. It's the only thing that can bring them back. You're the only one who can do that. Without you, Sesshomaru and his beast will always be in a battle. Sesshomaru will want to be with you, with Kiyoshi, while his beast will refuse him his happiness."
She shook her head while biting on her bottom lip. "It's not fair."
"I know, Kag. I wish it was."
"So what?" she asked, shrugging her shoulders. "I just let him walk away?"
"I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. If you care about him, if you can put up with this, then go. Run. If you can't, then you might have to wait."
"But he could go anywhere."
The answer was obvious, painful but obvious. "You're finding more reasons to go after him then reasons to stay here with me."
"But… he's still…"
"Do you care about him Kagome? Do you love him? If you do, then go after him but I can't promise you that it won't hurt. It might end up very close to the hell you were living before. Of course I wouldn't allow him to do that."
Kagome peered back and forth from Kouga's face to the emptiness where Sesshomaru had stood. Her heart was ready to explode out of her chest, yet she could not make up her mind. What if she made the wrong choice, what if she ended up regretting it for the rest of her life?
Could have. Should have. Would have.
She closed her eyes tightly before completely pulling herself from Kouga's embrace. This was about to be the worst mistake she ever made. Without giving it another thought she began running in the direction he had disappeared. Her inside were twisted, she felt sick to her stomach and her heart was going crazy. Still, despite the harsh rain and the sound of thunders, she kept running.
The terrible weather made it difficult for her to see, but it did not stop her. All she saw was darkness and not a hint of the person she was looking for. Kagome still had no idea how she was supposed to stop the beast, but it wouldn't prevent her from trying. She had now officially gone too far; there was no turning back for her.
Her footsteps were heavy and loud as her desperate search continued. How could he have disappeared so quickly? If he had used his speed… if he was flying… she wouldn't be able to find him.
"NOOO!"
The sound of a voice caused her to halt all actions. Kagome knew that voice; it was his. Her eyes widened a bit as she began running again, hoping she had heard right. Her entire body was trembling, her throat felt dry but she made for her destination nonetheless. Her legs were barely supporting her, pain was shooting through her body but she finally reached her destination. She stopped in front of a dark alley, barely daring to go further.
Was he here?
As she took one footstep at a time, she found herself staring at nothing but blackness. It required a few more steps for her to see shiny silver hair. When she approached him she noticed he was on his knees on the ground, holding his head and grunting. She dared to move a hand in his direction, but he did not react to her.
"Sesshomaru?" she tried.
At that moment, he lifted his head to look at her with his shiny amber eyes. Relief washed over her and she allowed herself to drop down to her knees to be eye level with him. She didn't need to ask what was going on since she already knew; he was battling his beast. He wanted to stay with her even though she had been unable to provide an answer earlier.
She covered his hands were her shaky ones, trying to provide support. "It'll be okay."
Sesshomaru didn't answer; instead, his head hung even lower as if he was avoiding looking at her.
"We can do this."
The tears were forming in her eyes once more and she felt like breaking down. "I don't care. I don't care if it needs to be there. You promised you'd stay. You promised you'd stay until I didn't want you by my side."
Sesshomaru's breathing slowed down as though her speech was affecting him.
"It'll be terrible. I'll be terrified, but I can't go back. I think… being alone is worse. It's dark and it's cold, and I don't want to be like that anymore."
Maybe being with him, all of him wasn't as bad as living through this hell by herself. Maybe she needed him more than she ever knew. She pressed her forehead against his, her hands dropping to his knees while his remained on his head.
"You don't have to be alone. I don't have to be alone. You don't have to be torn anymore, we'll fix this."
She didn't know if they could, but she couldn't give up. Kami knew she should, everyone else would… This was insane; this was the craziest relationship there was. She wasn't caring about him because she had been imprisoned under his influence for too long. She cared about him because she wanted to. She was with this man, she put up with it all because she wanted to. She couldn't go back to the way things were, all she could do was move forward.
Kagome gently pressed her lips against his forehead, hoping it would soothe both their pain. Sesshomaru remained quiet while he kept struggling, but she could not leave him. Her entire body was quivering from the coldness of the rain but she managed to sneak herself onto his lap. Sesshomaru had no choice but to sit on the cold wet ground and he did.
She laid her head against his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart. She could not say it would be okay, all she could do was hope. This was terrifying, but it was the path she had chosen… or maybe the one that was given to her.
It was too late to go back, too late to change her life. And even though Kami knew there was plenty wrong with it, she would hold on to the good parts.
And right there, hope was born.
Hope for a better day, hope for a better life.
Hope for love.
-B-
