The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

He was now a demon with a mission – a very happy, horny demon on a mission! Totosai chanted his scavenger hunt mantra of all the things the little white miko had demanded of him and the faster he found them, the faster he could help her use them. This was easily the most fun the metal smith had ever had that didn’t involve his forge – who knew leaving the volcano’s throat would dump a now-wet yummy little female in his lap and even better, now she had an itch to scratch. Well, now – that truly was funny! The wheezing rasps of laughter bubbling out of the demon’s wide mouth made the peasants below him very, very nervous. After all, this was springtime and the Kami were well-known to be frisky!

“MoMo – I think I see a shed on the outskirts of that village. Can you land?”

The bull lowed in pleasant agreement and headed the way his rider wanted to go.

Totosai had to hand it to these ningen women; they were great fun! The angry woman tending the pickling tubs within the dusty outbuilding he’d waltzed right into with the single minded audacity of the perpetually clueless, had broken a chafe rake over his head. This then got rice hulls down his kimono and made him wiggle and jive until they fell back through his clothing to the debris-strewn floor. Grabbing a small pot of nuka bran and thanking his impromptu hostess, Totosai took the tiniest moment to admire the way the village woman’s kimono rode up her tan legs as she waved her rake-stump at him and screamed obscenities; only then did he return to his mission.

A handful of stops and as many broken rakes, shovels, rug beaters and even one rice tub lobbed at him by a very surprised octogenarian later, the demon Totosai was making his well-stocked way back to the girl of his far-from-pure dreams on speedy bovine wings. The sight of MoMo sailing over tops the varied villages and dwellings made him no friends at all; a multitude of promises, held in surety by a very particular circumstance now had to be fulfilled in order to preserve one’s honor. To this day that is why no Japanese person will promise something “when a cow flies over my house.” They’ve gotten burned on that deal before, you see. Moving on –

Kaede sat neck-deep in her slowly steaming pool and stewed, literally and figuratively. Eye closed in concentration and outright denial, the small miko concentrated on what she knew of curing the itch. She kept coming to the conclusion that sometimes, you just had to scratch – one time only, mind you! – and then get it out of your system.

The poison ivy was the easy part, she sighed.

Snuffling sounds reached her ears as did the clacking of ceramics and the rustle of vegetation. She smelled nuka and yuzu, willow and cucumber. The ambling clickity-clack drag of hooves on stone began its steady fade as MoMo wandered off to amuse himself in the distance. Kaede didn’t want to open her eyes yet – opening them meant she had to deal with what was coming and that now-very familiar sharp scent of iron, coated by an overlying musk of whale oil was slowly getting closer. The very naked girl sunk lower in the water and did her best to shield her heart from that Kami with the arrows. Somehow, the miko just knew his aim was going to be far better than her own.

“Kaede?”

Totosai’s distinctive voice questioned her with concern, his strong arms brimming with an apothecary treasure trove. Either that or they were going to have a macrobiotic picnic. Kaede mused with sarcasm. Damn Totosai for being so… so…him! The demon before her was so irritatingly cute! Like the plant oil on her skin, he too was really starting to get under skin – and the miko desperately wanted to scratch! Biting her lower lip, she ventured as calm a reply as she dared.

“Put the things you have brought me on the rocks, please.” replied the solemn voice below him.

“Okay.”, the lanky demon happily agreed and putting down his load, Totosai folded himself into an equally lanky lotus and settled in to watch the Naked Miko Show.

After mixing, cutting, squeezing and nearly ripping the demon smith’s eyes out of his head when she forwent the knife in favor of simply taking a big bite out of the highly suggestive cucumber he had brought back, Kaede was ready to get on with the show.

“Totosai.”

“Uh-huh? I mean, ah – yes? Do you need help, miko?” the nearly panting demon stuttered in complete pole-axed anticipation. Were his big green eyes crossed? Was she truly having such an effect on this demon? He looked like he was trying his best not to jump on her and devour her alive… only Kaede didn’t think eating was what was in the forefront of Totosai’s rather questionable mind.

“I need you to warm the water up one more time, please – what are you looking at, demon?” the miko couldn’t help herself; those hungry eyes were making her very tingly and nervous.

“Your chest.”

“Haven’t you seen a woman’s body before, you idiot?!” she hissed in embarrassment and threw her arms protectively across her wet breasts – squeezing them together, which then simultaneously emptied the mind and filled the now very cramped hakama of her demon audience. She noted with some satisfaction that Totosai’s pointed ears were now crimson; at least she wasn’t the only one uncomfortable around here – which only made things between them hotter.

“Seen what?” Totosai mumbled absently and wiped his mouth.