Inuyasha Tails

This scene opens with a tawdry pink colored set that looks similar to the Dating Game with the same music except there are reinforced walls due to prior damage. There are four uncomfortable looking stools behind the wall and one comfy fluffy chair in bright pink. The podium is flashing with pink lights and a big neon sign is in the background with “The Mating Game” in cursive behind the stage.

There is a live audience filled with demons and humans. Of course a few humans disappear on one side of the audience with demons looking around trying to see if anyone noticed. Then they call their friends on the cell phone and invite them over for lunch.

Welcome to the MATING GAME the game where the losers always win!

Here is our host today….Miroku Letch-Shay.

“Welcome to another episode of the Mating Game. Today we have four eligible bachelors and one fair bachelorette. Let us bring out the bachelors.”

There is rustling and suddenly a giant spider freak leach person comes out.

“Introducing bachelor number one, he is into web surfing and has a degree in how to create your own child out of your earlobe. His book ‘How to get rid of a Broken Heart or Heart in General’ has sold over a million copies. Let’s give it up for Naraku Apelikewebbyleach.”

Naraku composes all his legs back into his body looking semi normal except for the tentacles that are protruding from his back.

“So Naraku, are you excited to be on the show today?”

Naraku looks at the monk.

“Sure, because I am going to win. I always win.”

Miroku smirks at that trying not to laugh.

“Let us bring out our second bachelor. He has a business degree in aeronautics and is actual royalty. He has been seen on covers of magazines and has made a billion dollars off of his brother’s adamant barrage creating the most successful jewelry company in the world. His diamond hording is only part of this tyrant’s lifestyle. He also enjoys sushi, killing things, and even has his own blanket with him at all times for those romantic picnics in the woods. Let’s bring out Lord Sesshoumaru Tashio.”

Sesshoumaru looks at Naraku and growls.

“I shall kill you……………”

Naraku answers.

“Ya, ya, ya by your own hand, we have heard it all before you walking pain in the Fluff. We got it, I am still here though.”

Sesshoumaru looks at Miroku.

“Is this supposed to be amusing monk? I am not sitting next to that vile vermin.”

Miroku sighs knowing this was going to happen.

“Fine, Lord Sesshoumaru will be our fourth………”

Sesshoumaru snarls and shoves Naraku off of his stool then changes the stool into a throne and sits casually running his claws over his mokomoko looking out at the audience deciding who needs to die first. Naraku frowns then melts the stool and uses his tentacles to hold him up as he files his nails.

“Fine, you can be first bachelor you tyrant. Just sit in bachelor number three’s chair Naraku. Whatever you want your Lordship………..”

As two props are totally destroyed the next bachelor comes out. He is adorable with green eyes and a bushy red tail.

“Miroku ain’t I too young to be on this show?”

The second bachelor complains.

“No, you will help me get women to bear my children.”

Sango comes out and smacks Miroku across the head picking up Shippo mumbling about how men are idiots. Miroku smiles a bit until he sees that Inuyasha and Kagome are now in the audience making out. Next to them are Kouga and Ayame doing the same thing. They promised they would be a part of the audience not use this as a double dating opportunity.

“Oh and Monk………..”

Sango states in a deadly tone.

“I am watching you husband………don’t do anything stupid.”

Miroku swallows hard and squeaks out the next bachelor.

“This next bachelor is a tall dark drink of water ladies. He can carry a sword weighing a half a ton with one hand and massage your back with the other. This man has seven followers who adore him, but unfortunately died at a barbeque party that went wrong. Who can light up his life after such a tragedy?”

All the ladies in the audience say ‘Awwwwwwww poor guy……….’

“Bachelor number three, Bankotsu Rockbottom.”

Bankotsu comes out with his halberd on his shoulder looking warily at the other two bachelors.

“Oh, I have to sit next to a dead human…….I think not.”

Sesshoumaru stated as Naraku rolled his eyes.

“Bankotsu just sit on the other side of me.”

Bankotsu looks at Naraku warily and shrugs. Sitting on the floor after finding out how uncomfortable the stool was Bankotsu chucks the stool across the stage taking out a demon in the process then he smirks.

“That makes 1001.”

Miroku is wondering what the hell he is going to do about the next Bachelor when an old little green kappa demon comes running across the floor falling over his staff.
“Lord Sesshoumaru, Lord Sesshoumaru I have been looking for you everywhere! Where have you been my Lord?”

Sesshoumaru looks at his slave on the floor and hits him on top of the head.

“I have been here the whole time you idiot. Get up Jaken and sit. You will be bachelor number two since I must tolerate someone sitting next to me.”

Miroku and the others look at Jaken, then at Lord Sesshoumaru.

“You are serious aren’t you Lord Sesshoumaru?”

Sesshoumaru nods then flips his hand at Miroku to continue.

“OK THEN……..let us bring out our beautiful bachelorette. Our bachelorette loves to float around on feathers during the daylight and at night…………”

Naraku laughs.

“Kagura is dead so you can’t use her. I killed her before the show.”

Miroku’s eyes go wide! What is he gonna do?

“You bastard…….I will kill you!”

Sesshoumaru gets up to kill Naraku as Bankotsu leans against the wall waiting for the show with his legs crossed checking his own nails.

“Then do it already Lord Sesshoumaru. He keeps coming back like a bad B rated movie.”

Bankotsu mumbles under his breath.

“No, no, no. I can’t have you destroying the set. You did that last time. I will get someone. Just sit down all of you and you are right about Naraku. That bastard just won’t die so leave it be since the show would be over if he didn’t live.”

Lord Sesshoumaru sighs at the fact he signed a contract so he can’t kill the other bachelors while on the show not that it matters since he can always get the contract back then kill the guy who witnessed it. The demon Lord sits down with his sword at his side then gives Naraku a dirty look.

“I will kill him later then. Apparently you have a use for now Naraku, but do not keep believing in your false sense of security that I, Lord Sesshoumaru, will let you live forever.”

Miroku looks out at the audience and then runs behind the stage pulling out someone from the VIP lounge who is attractive enough for the show although Kagura was already ready for this until Naraku screwed that up as usual.

“Come on, it will be alright and I promise no one will leach you.”

The woman comes onto the stage and suddenly there are wolf calls everywhere. Kouga and Inuyasha are howling getting smacked then sat by their mates.

“Wow, what a babe!”

Yells an audience member as the females in the audience eye Sesshoumaru and rip off their shirts with signs up that say “Save Me from Drowning Baby!”

Sesshoumaru sighs and leans his hand under his chin. This is pointless without Kagura which was the whole reason he bothered to do this thing. Still he would see if they could entertain him.

“Ok now bachelors, I am not going to give any clue to who our lovely bachelorette is. You will have to guess with the questions you ask of her on the cue cards since I had to change them due to Naraku!”

Sesshoumaru makes Jaken read the cue cards to him so he can memorize the questions ahead of time. Sniffing the air, so far he likes the scent and shrugs. Bankotsu just leans against the wall and frowns at everyone realizing the only reason he is here is he was promised that he could kill people if he showed up and that he would get a jewel shard.

“Ok bachelors it is time for the questions……….go ahead bachelorette.”

The young bachelorette sits comfortably and then bounces in the chair for a moment before speaking.

“Ok, bachelor number four ask away.”

Bankotsu about drops his sword. If this is who he thinks it is then the other guys are going to lose if he has his way.

“Are you……..ummmm…….I mean do you like the outdoors?”

Sesshoumaru and Naraku notice this change in Bankotsu. It is time to get their game on. This guy knows this person and if they do not find out who she is they will kill him.

“Sure, I like camping and stuff. Is that what you mean?”

Bankotsu grins.

“Ya, I like that too. I like nice campfire and romantic starlit nights. Outdoor cooking and making my woman warm by the firelight. Do you like campfires? Are you one hot mamma?”

The bachelorette blushes and then continues.

“I like campfires and starlit nights as well as outdoor cooking. Now bachelor number three ask away.”

Naraku fumbles a bit with the cards having tentacles that keep trying to steal them away then eat them.

“Do you like men who can appreciate a woman’s body and not force her to do something she would not want to do unless she was a dead fucking priestess bitch……you don’t carry purifying arrows do you? I mean those damn things hurt like stupid Kikyo…..oh sorry, ex girlfriend………”

The bachelorette smiles at this question.

“So you are a man who isn’t exactly religious and you appreciate women how? What is attractive about that?”

Naraku frowns looking at the other bachelors confused.

“I thought we were supposed to be asking the questions……….”

Sesshoumaru shrugs, he can handle this.

“Just answer the stupid question.”

Jaken states looking at Naraku like he is pathetic.

“I am spiritual, just not into nuns anymore. I hate violence………..”

The whole audience laughs at that and Lord Sesshoumaru turns away from them trying not to fall over laughing at the liar.

“Ok, bachelor number two…………”

Jaken squawks……..

“I don’t want to be a bachelor to you! I only serve……………..”

Sesshoumaru bonks Jaken on the head.

“Bachelorette, bachelor number two is a waste of time as well as these other two. He is an elder demon and will annoy you. Ignore him and ask me your question.”

The bachelorette sits befuddled. What kind of idiot is Miroku trying to set her up with?

“Ok fine, bachelor number one what is your question?”

Sesshoumaru smiles then moves his hair back from his face gracefully feeling smug as Inuyasha snorts laughing at his brother pointing to Kouga that he told him so as Kouga practically falls on the floor laughing with their mates hitting them to shut up.

“What do you do and what do you look like?”

The bachelorette thinks about this. It is a trick question.

“Well, I like to do many things, but my main job is to mess up people’s lives and making them into things they are not. I also look like a cat demon, but I am nothing like your brother with his cute ears.”

Sesshoumaru sat back. How was he supposed to deal with that answer?

“So you are a shape shifter who can shape shift other demons or people? A cat demon to boot, well I don’t know if I can handle that. I am a dog demon I tend to chase and usually kill cats until recently.”

The audience looks at Inuyasha and Kouga who are rolling on the floor holding their stomachs laughing.

“Your right……he’s a moron……..and he acts so fricking gay………oh shit I am going to pee myself if I don’t stop laughing you asshole!”

Kouga bust up laughing even harder as Inuyasha is pounding the floor. Lord Sesshoumaru glares at his brother and Kouga.

“Ya, no wonder he is single! I told you and you didn’t believe me ya wimpy ass jerk! Oh god that is still funny……desperate, but not serious…….”

Kouga has tears in his eyes and Sesshoumaru walks over only to be held back by Jaken.

“My Lord you can’t reveal yourself yet!”

Sesshoumaru sits back down then looks at his nails.

“Remind me Jaken to kill them both later.”

The bachelorette waits trying not to laugh at the two idiots on the floor as their mates drag them by their feet off the set.

“So bachelorette, have you decided yet?”

Miroku asks looking at her with pleading eyes since half the audience has been eaten and the other half are trying to kill each other now.

“Yes, I don’t want any of them.”

All the bachelors in back yell “WHAT!”

“They are all morons; do not ever ask me to do this stupid thing again Miroku.”

Bankotsu runs from behind the wall.

“It is you! I knew it! Damn it why don’t you want me woman?”

Naraku comes out and punches Bankotsu in the gut.

“Because I am going to leach her………come on baby it won’t hurt and then we will be one forever…….”

Sesshoumaru takes his sword, uses his new special technique and cuts off Naraku’s child making ear.

“Now you cannot make anything and if you bother me again with your trivial presence I will cut off something you need more.”

Naraku disappears in a cloud of purple soot and swears he will be back………yes we are aware of that by now. Lord Sesshoumaru looks at the woman.

“Really you had to come up with a dating show? You couldn’t think of anything better to do?”

The bachelorette (who is a complete mystery and no one knows her) cowers a bit.

“Well, it was better than that story about than your hippy parents you fluffy tyrant.”

Sesshoumaru grasps his woman in his arms. How dare Miroku try to peddle her off even if it was in the script!

“Jaken do not wait up for us and do not ask me where I am again. I will be busy.”

The bachelorette is carried away by the fluffy tyrant who destroys the Mating Game Set so that no one else can be corrupted by such bad lighting. All the demons are killed in the process of making this story except for the characters we like because let’s face it folks, Kagura rocks so she will live again in my story. Still, she cannot have my Fluffy……I glomped it and I have the proof…….

The End…………of another bad wordy story that made you guys laugh……………