What the Hell Does She Think She's Doing?

A/N The last of these, I think. Maybe more in a different context, but for now, done. I dedicate this to more than one author I know of who was criticized, correctly or incorrectly, for their use of lie or lay. It’s a pain in the ass, and I’m sure everyone here has had to deal with the issue more than once. Enjoy. I certainly did…especially the irony of having a grammar lesson in a story that I’m sure will be chock full of grammatical errors, LOL.


Grammar Lesson

Inuyasha cleared his throat, and everyone sighed. Miroku tapped his pencil impatiently against his desk. Sango and Kagome continued their boxers vs. briefs discussion, to which Ayame added her ‘going commando’ requirement. Kouga sat behind Ayame and tried to get a glimpse under her skirt as she leaned forward to talk to the others. Sesshoumaru kept one eye on Inuyasha’s conscience and the other on the ronin as they sat on either side of him and exchanged significant glances with each other.

Inuyasha cleared his throat again, glaring, and Miroku flung his pencil onto the ground. “If you don’t start doing more than clear your throat, I’m leaving.”

“Hey, shut up! I’m getting to it!”

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes. “Do you even know what the author wants you to do?”

“YES!”

“So…what seems to be the difficulty?”

“I’m thinking about it! You think you can do better, come on up, geek boy!”

With a sigh, Sesshoumaru pushed himself up from his chair and walked to the front of the classroom. Inuyasha shoved past him with a growl and slumped down in the back row, snarling under his breath. Sesshoumaru cleared his throat, staring for a moment. Grinning wickedly, he gestured for Kagura to come up front. With a little annoyed saunter, she made her way up to him. Standing, her hand on her hip as she examined her nails, she sighed.

“All right. Well. I’ll try and be pithy. The author felt that we all needed a demonstrative lesson in the usage of the words ‘lie’ vs. the word ‘lay.’ So- “

“It’s bullshit, anyway.” Inuyasha groused.

“Be quiet.”

“Seriously! She doesn’t even get it right all the time! Hell, she doesn’t even usually use a freakin’ beta! Who the hell does she think she is, writing out something like this? Conceited bitch.”

Everyone leaned away from him. Miroku shook his head. “You know she’s probably listening. Your ass is toast now.”

“She doesn’t have the stones to do anything to me,” Inuyasha sneered at him.

“I do, though.” Sesshoumaru said from up front, and Inuyasha’s ears flattened.

“Hey, it’s been, what, 25 chapters in Uke now…”

“28.”

“Whatever. Still, you and I have NEVER… uh…” Inuyasha wrestled with the right word.

“Made the beast with two backs?” Sesshoumaru asked mildly.

“Fucked.” Kouga provided.

“Do it like they do on the discovery channel?” Miroku sang the familiar line and Inuyasha flipped him off.

“Made love?” Kagome said softly.

“Fucked. We’ve never fucked, okay? And if we haven’t yet, we ain’t gonna, and so there’s nothing to worry about, you –“

“You have no idea.” Sesshoumaru said with a lazy smile, then coughed as Kagura jabbed her elbow into his ribs.

“Will you all quit talking about whatever ridiculous antics you plan on in a story that I’m not even in? You asked me up here; you better have something for me to do or I’m sitting back down.”

As Inuyasha growled under his breath some more and began to carve grafitti into the desk with his claws, Sesshoumaru stepped up close to Kagura.

“Well, the author thought it might be fun to have a more…hands on…demonstration on the usages of lie vs. lay.”

“Which version of lie?” Miroku asked.

Inuyasha grunted irritably. “The kind of lying you do that gets you fucked, not the kind that you do every time we enter a village and need a place to sleep.”

“Fine. Just so we’re clear.” Miroku nodded at Sesshoumaru to go on, earning himself a cold glare.

“As I was saying…a practical demonstration would be helpful. So. If I am doing this.” Sesshoumaru lay down on the floor. “I would say: Sesshoumaru lies down on the floor.”

He grinned and sat up, pulling at Kagura as she let out a surprised yell and pushing her down onto the floor next to him. “If I am doing this..”

“Let go, you ass!”

“…then I would say: Sesshoumaru lays Kagura down on the floor.”

“Sesshoumaru’s going to get my foot up his ass, if he doesn’t get his hands off me!”

Inuyasha’s conscience called out, waving his hand. “You can lay me down on the floor!”

With a snort, Inuyasha began rolling a pencil back and forth across his desk. “Booo-riiiing.”

Kagura finally slapped Sesshoumaru across the cheek and stood up, breathing heavily. Sesshoumaru stood up next to her with a knowing little smirk blooming.

“Now, the problem is when you start looking at different tenses. I lie, I lay, I have lain. I lay, I laid, I have laid.”

Miroku sighed heavily. “It’s not like everyone doesn’t know this already. It’s basic English.”

“Well, considering that using lay instead of lie is one of the most common grammatical errors in verbal speech, it’s easy to make the mistake,” Sesshoumaru said calmly. “And add on to that the fact that even though we’re thinking in present tense, most authors actually write in past tense, and it gets sticky.”

“They do not,” Inuyasha said, irritated. “It’s in present tense.”

“No, it’s not.” Sesshoumaru glared at him, and then glanced at Kagura fuming next to him. “This is present tense. I kiss Kagura.” Sesshoumaru grabbed her around the waist and held onto the back of her head as he kissed her deeply, finally stopping when she began to pummel his head with her fan.

“This is past tense. I kissed Kagura. Just now.”

Miroku and Kouga glanced at each other, smiling. “We noticed.”

Kagura kicked Sesshoumaru in the shins and was three steps back towards the desks when Sesshomaru grabbed her hand and pulled her back. He kept talking, raising his voice when she swore at him.

“So, if I say: I kiss Kagura, then it’s present tense. And that means I need to say: I lie down. Or I lay Kagura down.” Sesshoumaru flopped onto his back again, pulling Kagura down on top of him as Kouga hooted encouragement. Ayame turned and smacked the wolf in the head.

Sesshoumaru lay on his back, looking sideways at the classroom while he held onto Kagura’s waist. “But if I say: I kissed Kagura…which most authors do…then I need to say something different. I kissed Kagura – I lay down. I kissed Kagura – I laid her down.”

“You just enjoy saying ‘I kissed Kagura,’ and you know it.” Inuyasha shook his head.

“No.” Sesshoumaru paused, letting Kagura get back up again and gasping as she ground her toe into his crotch as she pushed up. His voice was rather hoarse as he tried to speak again, sitting hunched over as Kagura finally made it back to her desk unmolested. “I just enjoyed the actual kissing – for demonstration purposes, of course. I ‘have laid’ my heart at her feet, and if the Gods are merciful, I ‘will have lain’ with her again by this time tomorrow. In my bed.”

Kagura hissed at him. “In your dreams, you lecherous bastard. Just wait. I’ve still got a story with you. You are so going to pay.”

“Hey, I resent that,” Miroku said mildly. “You can’t call him a lech. He gives lechers a bad name. None of us are that inept.”

“You are so conceited.” Inuyasha shook his head, and Miroku raised one eyebrow before he stood and walked over to Sango.

“Watch and learn, Inuyasha.” Sango was already standing and about to hit Miroku when he grabbed her, both hands around her head, and kissed her. Sango’s body froze. Inuyasha grumbled under his breath as they kept kissing, then started to fidget when Sango’s hands ended up in Miroku’s hair as she kissed him back.

“Oh, fuck, just get a room already, will ya?” Kouga snarled. The loud noise startled Sango and she pulled back, looking at Miroku in surprise. Her face slowly changed to something that had Miroku backing away.

“You hentai!” Sango swung and caught Miroku in the head, knocking him back until he rolled over Kouga’s desk and onto the floor. He pulled himself up, shaking his head to clear it.

Inuyasha’s voice filled the silence that followed. “So, that would be: Miroku kissed Sango. Sango kicked Miroku’s ass. Miroku lay on the floor.”

“It’s going to be: Miroku is laying on the floor permanently, if he touches me again without asking.” Sango snarled.

“Is lying,” Sesshoumaru corrected.

“What?” Sango turned to glare at him.

“The participle is always present: lying. He was lying on the floor. He is lying on the floor.”

“Ah bull, “ Inuyasha said. “I’ve heard tons of people say they were laying down on the bed and stuff like that.”

“Like I said, it’s one of the most misused phrases when people speak. Do you say you were sat-ing on the bed, or you were sitting?” Inuyasha grunted. “Exactly. Sitting. So you are lying down on the bed, not laying. You could be laying Kagura down on the bed, though.”

“Don’t even think about it, pervert.” Kagura took out her fan and held it ready.

Kouga grunted irritably. “Why not just avoid the whole damn thing and be more specific? Fucking. Now there’s a word that’s easy to use. I fuck Ayame. I fucked Ayame. I will fuck Ayame. No confusion.”

Inuyasha laughed as Ayame kicked Kouga out of his chair. “Yeah, except that you somehow think it’s actually gonna happen. Kouga will never fuck Ayame. Kouga never fucked Ayame, and Kouga never WILL fuck Ayame.”

“Not with that mouth on him, anyway,” Miroku mumbled.

“Why not?” Inuyasha’s conscience asked, leaning over. “You’ve got a nasty mouth, and you get fucked more than anyone.”

Inuyasha laughed again as Miroku glared at his conscience. “Yeah, we should just use you for the next demonstration. Sesshoumaru has just fucked Miroku. Kouga was just about to fuck Miroku. Inuyasha will royally fuck Miroku. Everyone would just love to fuck Miroku.”

“You’re such an ass.” Miroku flumped down on his seat, prodding at the new bruise on his jaw from Sango’s fist.

“Everyone would have been fucking Miroku, if they’d known the author was in a giving mood with her last drabble.” Inuyasha’s conscience added.

“Shut up.”

“If I had wanted to fuck Miroku’s ass, I would have had to lay him down on the floor to get a better angle.” Sesshoumaru added.

“I think I’d rather say: Miroku would have had to lie down like the man slut he is.” Sango said.

“That’s enough,” Miroku said, growling as he started gathering his things. “I’m sure they’ve all got the idea.”

“If Inuyasha were about to fuck Miroku, he should..”

“It’s supposed to be lie and lay!” Miroku yelled, walking towards the door.

“Miroku is a great lay,” Inuyasha yelled behind him. “I would love to lie on the bed when he goes down on me!”

“Fuck you, Inuyasha!”

“I thought we weren’t doing ‘fuck’ anymore?”

“Lie down and die, hanyou!” Miroku’s voice was punctuated by a slamming of the door and Inuyasha laid his head down on the desk and laughed.

“I think I could learn to like grammar lessons.”