Of boys and men

Last Chapter


Sesshoumaru's hair whips around him. He holds his demon sword menacingly. Is he going to kill me? Is he going to finally stop sparing my life? No, he's throwing it down to
the ground and takes up a fighting stance.

"One last time"

He wants to spar? I guess he does. We haven't fought like this since that last night before he left my mother's house for good. He could kill me so easily with his sword if that's his true wish, but challenging me in this way is ridiculous with that one arm.
I mean, he has an arm, but it's obviously human and compared to a demon one, its speed is negligible, as though it weren't even there, as far as demon sparring would be concerned. I think I know what he's trying to do. To recover everything he had before his loss so many years ago. And maybe then he'll start over again from that point? I can see the desire in his eyes, he definitely wants to win.

He makes the first move and is lunging in towards me. He's still very fast, but not much of a match. I'm keeping up with him now, blow for blow, but I can end this at any given moment. It's eticetic. It'shetihetic to see my brother reduced to this. The match was clearly in my hands, but this strange feeling is overtaking me. A strange desire to throw this heavily important match of matches. To take a dive, but why? Do I feel sorry for my brother? Is that it? I don't know but this burning is consuming me, I can't deny it. I can feel myself giving into it as I walk into a punch. I hear two loud snaps as Sesshoumaru lands quick direct blows into my body, vaulting me into a nearby tree. I'm hitting the ground and I am forcing myself to stay down. Get up, Inuyasha! Get up! But there are stronger voices inside me right now, screaming to remain defeated.

"Is that all, Inuyasha? Just like that?"

He's lifting me off the ground by my hair. I'm wondering if he can tell that I'm not at all injured. I'm wondering if he can tell that I'm acting strangely and just can't bring myself to fight right now. But I want to, I want to. I'm thinking that I must seem as out of character as his pacifism was earlier today, when he sat by and allowed me to launch my sword and insults at him.

"Are you done?" he asks again. No, no, I'm not done. I can easily defeat you, I just need to fight this...feeling.

"Yes, brother, I'm finished," I whisper breathlessly.
I can't believe the words coming from me. Neither can I stop them. I've already said them, now I can only accept it. I've purposefully lost in battle. Never, never before had I done that. To anyone, let alone this man holding my hair right now, this man who had taught me above all else to be ruthless. Maybe the voice was guilt; maybe it was urging me to let him have this moment, to replace some of his ego. Maybe I feel I owed that to him. Whatever the reason, I strangely feel good as he pulls me the rest of the way to my feet.

"I would have thought that you'd fight a little harder, considering
you're all too aware of what the victor takes."


*Anything he wants* I finish his thought internally. Wait, he knows I'm not injured, so why is he still so relaand and happy? Sesshoumaru would never take pleasure in such an ill-gotten victory. The gravity of what else he said is now hitting me in waves. Is he
going to fuck me? His eyes are burning and I'm afraid. I feel like I'm 15 again. The wind is dying and all is still. The air between us is thick and I want to run, but it's almost as though the air is too heavy for me to move. His hand is coming toward me, slowly. He's
wrapping one arm around my waist pulling me in as the other hand is at my neck. Drawing me in, I flinch as his lips meet mine. His lips are soft, and he is not biting me. I melt into him a bit and he opens my mouth a little with his tongue and starts exploring, gently. So gentle. It's never felt like this before. This is not at all like when I was a
teenager. This second kiss we're sharing, is not at all like the first one we shared. This second kiss is...something else entirely.

Stroking my lips with his, over and over. I'm feeling almost dizzy. After about thirty seconds, he's breaking the kiss slowly, my lips are clinging to his. He's stares into my eyes, and sharply turns to leave. The up and down of his graceful walk hypnotizes me momentarily.

I'm snapping out of it to scream "Is that it?" He's still walking. "IS THAT IT?" I'm screeching. Strange feelings are overwhelming me and I can't let him leave just yet, not until I have more answers. Finally, he turns around, acknowledging me.

"Are you disappointed," he sneers, "Also, you have an audience."

I can tell I'm amusing him. I'm shocking myself. I had forgotten about the band of dazed humans huddling in the bushes. I don't care. I want more, I need more. I want it this time. He's leaving again.

I tried to hit a nerve, "I didn't know you cared so much what they think."

He sighs audibly. Slowly, he turns to face me again. His eyes meet mine. Neither of us is a boy anymore, but still, I'm looking up into his eyes, confused. Never taller, I would never be taller, would I? His eyes, so weary. So full of experience. They stared down into mine, sympathetically.
This moment is consuming me. I've never felt like his little brother as much as I do right now. I've fought a thousand battles, laughed in the face of ferocious youkai, even pounded him into submission, yet he has still beaten me to it. He has found his peace somewhere along the line, but I haven't. I'm still the same. The same power-obsessed, spastic hanyou I was on that day when he left me. He closes his eyes fully, slowly letting the lids descend, breaking the gaze. A moment passes. He opens them slowly, a new look in his eyes. He's walking towards me.

I close my own eyes, breathing deeply, slowly. Everything is slow. He carefully collects my hair and lifts it off my back, placing it in front of my left shoulder. It reminds me of something you would do before putting a necklace or an amulet on a female. He is behind me, slowly removing the firerat's robe. Now my shirt is leaving my body, by way of his slow, skilled movements. I turn to face him. My hand reaches to slide his armor off, and open his kimono a bit, exposing his chest; he does not try to stop me. I rest one hand on his shoulder, as his hands are wrapped loosely around my waist. The wind picks up and our hair is whipping all over the place. I'm aware of how good we must look right now, and I'm hard at the idea, the mental picture of us. The wind dies to a breeze, and he lifts me off the ground, laying me on the fire robe. He kneels next to me. Slow, forceful kisses, up the line of my jaw, sweeping down to the contours of my neck, hands rubbing my hips. Thirty seconds in and I'm panting already. Hands on my chest, his mouth presses harder into my neck. I gasp and I barely crack that line between panting and moaning. Now he is hovering over me, propped up on his hands, while the rest of his body is firmly molded to mine. I'm reaching up to brush the hair out of his face. So beautiful, so dangerous. We've never touched each other before this. I've been touched, I've touched, but we've never touched each other, and now that we are, it feels like the heat has been doubled.

He's kissing me again on the mouth, the feeling is still new and strange to me, but I guess he's fine with it now. I'm kissing him back, soft, soft lips. Lips, tongue, hands, back, hands, shoulders, hips. His hands, my hands, we're touching each other all over as his lips drug me. I make a move to roll us over and now I'm on top, never breaking this kiss. I'm going wild, attacking his lips with mine. I can feel his hardness underneath me, and I'm ing ing myself against it, harshly, with need. Sesshoumaru takes in a breath sharply, eyes half-closed, as he launches me off his body. He wants this to last longer. I guess I am overdoing it a bit as his heavy panting hits the air.

I lay back down on the robe, waiting. He takes a few moments to compose himself and then comes towards me. He looks furious. When did these eyes become capable of portraying all these emotions? The rest of himonomono is shed, and my pants quickly follow. I can tell there will be no more playing, so I start to roll ove--ah, he's stopping me from doing so. Taking my legs above his shoulders, I can feel him ready to enter me. He's going to face me? The newness of everything today is exciting me. He's entering me and it does not hurt, I know exactly how to respond. One slow stroke has me lightly moaning at the feeling. The second one is hardly faster, and the third almost the same. The pleasure is building too slowly and my body is racking from it. What is he doing? I need this faster.

I'm bucking up against him, trying to get it faster, but he holds my hips down with his demon arm, and I have no chance of moving them. He continues his slow pace, barely
speeding it up as time passes. A couple minutes pass and I feel as though I should have
come five times by now. The pressure within me is so high it's almost painful. My face
is contorting in the mix of extreme pleasure and slight pain. It's almost as though
he's making me climb a ladder, one step at a time, experiencing each one to the fullest.
I'm waiting to be released, and I'm completely at his mercy. This is so intense, but yet
I don't know how much more I can take, I need release. He's totally in control, and I
can tell he knows I can’t take much more. A little faster, he goes, just at a moderate pace
but with how he had been moving it feels incredibly fast and I can feel my climax coming...

**The flash of an image in my mind...Hands intertwined, pushing against each other. The mighty falling to the ground. A moment from the past. Everything is floodingand and I'm realizing the obvious. What a fool I was. I wasn't stronger than Sesshoumaru. Not then, not ever. He really had let me win. When I think of his life, he wanted to be released; he wanted to lose for once. He had faced his fears long ago, I gave him what he wanted then, thinking I was destroying him, when in fact I was saving him. And right now, he was doing the same for me, that's why he wanted to win so badly against me today, that he would fight, even at a disadvantage and take pleasure in an ill-gotten win. He wanted to stop me from living my life the way he had taught me to, because he had realized that night, long ago, the night before he left; how wrong he was about many things. The voice in my head, telling me to throw this match, was not feeling worried or guilty over Sesshoumaru. It was myself, wanting my life back, wanting freedom back, freedom to be imperfect, freedom to sometimes, only sometimes, to accept certain weaknesses. The flood is rushing as I realize that all this time, I had not been in control, I had given my brother what he wanted. He had always been ahead of the game, just like Naraku. I had been baring Sesshoumaru's curse for him, and now, he was releasing me. **


Almost there, almost there. I'm coming. All I can see is white, white everywhere. I've never felt this kind of intensity, in anything. The wait was clearly worth it as my orgasm comes in a strong steady wave, lasting for much longer than ever before. He must have come when I tightened around him, I vaguely remember a low moaning, barely audible over my screaming, and hands tightening around my hips. We're both breathing hard, sweating, it had taken a lot out of both of us. He's still inside me, catching his breath. I push his hair away to look at his eyes. He's exhausted. I'm feeling the need, to say what he had said, too, to pleady ady admit, "I love you." I can tell he's reading my thoughts as his eyes turn cold and he withdraws from me, standing up. He knows what I want to say and speaks first before I even get the chance.

"I love fucking you." said icily, coldly as I had.

I laughed, it was funny in its own way, and he cracked a smile as well. He's standing and dressing, as casually as always, preparing himself to leave. I don't think we'll ever stop being enemies, even now, and I doubt we'll ever be actual lovers, but yet, parting today we're learning something. One man weak with jealousy. One man weak with power. I taught him to feel, and he phased out my greed. Lessons learned. I had nothing to be jealous about, we both needed saving. I don't understand the exact way things are turning out. But I do know, as I lay here, as a man, not a boy, a tired, abused, and defeated man, watching his shadow disappear into the horizon, this time, I'm not bitter.

**FIN**

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