You Can't Help Me

You Cant Help Me

Chapter 7: All Of This Past

Disclaimer: The title of the chapter is the title of a beautiful song by Sarah Bettens from the Underworld Soundtrack. And of course, Inuyasha doesn’t belong to me either. So far.

A/N: I would like to give a huge thank you to my sweet little beta for ...erm...beta-ing this chapter. Unfortunately, instead of basking in the fame and glory (pft.) she has chosen to remain humbly anonymous.

And erm. Sorry for not updating for such a long time. >_>


*


Kaede’s gentle eyes focused on a lone figure sitting outside her hut. Hunched over and looking lost and blue in her thoughts, the teenage girl was completely oblivious to all that was around her. Kaede observed the child for a minute before slowly beginning her approach.

“Are you alright, child?”

“Huh?” Large, tired, grey eyes blinked at her in surprise. It was a troubled gaze, a helpless, worried and anxious look. A brilliant mix of confusion and concern, a weight hanging around that delicate, young neck.

“What’s wrong, tell me.” The old miko slowly lowered herself to the bench Kagome currently occupied.

“Oh. Well-“She paused. The silence stretched out between them. It wasn’t an uncomfortable, awkward silence, but rather one of those where the participants of the conversation disappear into their own complicated worlds of thoughts. But before too long, the older woman turned her head in the direction of the InuYasha forest and broke the mellow quiet.

“Is it about Inuyasha?”

“Yes.” Kaede sighed as she watched the troubled youth.

“If I knew it would affect you that much, I wouldn’t have told ye about it.”

“No-no. I’m glad you told me, but-but I want to help him. I just don’t know how.”

Kaede reached over and put a hand on Kagome’s shoulder. It was in her nature to reach out and help people. “Yes, I thought as much.” Kagome visibly relaxed, despite the fact that her white knuckled hands still clutched at her knees.

“I don’t know what to do. What can I say to him? What will stop him?” Desperation and fear was etched onto the girl’s face. An evening chill brushed past, stirring strands of black and grey hair of the two figures. “Kaede, help me, tell me what to do.”

The old lady frowned and looked down to the ground. It was unusual for Kagome to be so unsure of herself. So completely lost for ideas. Unusual indeed. “Did you find out why he does what he does?”

“No...he won’t tell me anything.” The hands clasping her knees so tightly squeezed a little more until they left ten marks of white across her already pale flesh.

“I see.” Came her quiet reply.

“Kaede- I feel so useless.” A quiver touched the soft voice, and the last word was chocked out with such sadness, such hopelessness. The bright, light eyes creased with worry and despair and shimmered with unshed tears.

“...” No reply breezed her way this time as the old woman once again let the comforting silence level off between them. They quietly watched the evening buzz of the village around them, witnessing it but not absorbing anything that went on in front of their thoughtful eyes. But once again, the old miko broke the companionable hush. “Have faith child, just keep on trying. Inuyasha seldom accepts help, especially from one such as I - he is stubborn to the point of foolishness - but I trust that you will succeed.”

“I’m just scared he will push me away. I know I shouldn’t be afraid to help him, but I am. I don’t want to loose him. I have no idea what I should do.” Moving her hands, Kagome began to fiddle with her fingers. Ashamed of admitting such frivolous fears, and ashamed of feeling them.

“Stay with him.” For a moment, their eyes met and volumes were spoken.

With that the old woman got up and entered the hut behind them. Kagome remained sitting on the small overused wooden bench. Slowly, she blinked.

Inuyasha must have been feeling afraid as well. Just a little bit. Was he afraid that she would leave him? Is that what Kaede was implying? Or was he afraid that she would tell the others about... what would you call it? His weakness? A shame to his name? A testament of his flaws? Another thing that ignorant fools could taunt him with. Another thing to shout at him when he passed by. ‘Oh, here comes that miserable hanyou, are you going to cry now, too?’ But she would never do that to him. Did he know that? She would never willingly hurt him.

But was he concerned about what ‘she’ thought. Did he care about her opinion on the matter? Kagome sighed and closed her eyes as her hands moved to grab onto the edge of the bench.

Stay with him.

Maybe Kaede had meant something else. Something more literate literal. Should she try and not let him out of her sight? He wouldn’t cut himself in front of her. He wouldn’t, she reassured herself. At least she hoped so.


*


A smile appeared on her lips as she saw the joyful happiness that echoed from Shippou’s careless laughter. The ginger kitsune rolled about in a flower bunch chasing a fluttering white butterfly. Calling the child over, she bent forward and picked him up, laughing at how pleased he seemed to look, no need for comma at the sight of her.

“Shippou. I’ve got something for you.” The smile still graced her face, yet it was still there, at the back of her mind. That sadness, that she suffered earlier that evening. Feeling guilty that she could not appreciate or share Shippou’s ecstasy, she reached into the pocket of her tracksuit bottoms and pulled out a chocolate.

“Really?! Wow- thanks Kagome-chan!” Little hands reached for the dangling chocolate bar, snatching it faster than the human eye could see.

“Now remember- you be good.” At a leisurely pace she began to walk down the path that led out of the darkening forest. ”And don’t tease Inuyasha-“

“Are you bribing me with candy?”

“As a matter of fact-yes.”

“Alright.” Everything was so simple with Shippou. So easy. Why couldn’t Inuyasha be more like that? Maybe he would be happier that way... But then he wouldn’t have been the Inuyasha she cared so much for. That’s was why.

“Oh and Shippou- can I ask you for a favor? Would you do something for me?” The smile gradually wore off Kagome’s face.

“What is it?” A chocolate covered mouth and happy blue eyes turned to face her.

“You know,” she started and then looked away from his eyes, looking straight ahead, “how last time Inuyasha smelled of blood?” She saw a nod from the corner of her eyes, on the peripheral of her vision. “Well, if it happens again-“she stopped in her tracks and finally looked back into his little face, to emphasize the importance and seriousness of this, “I want you to tell me. Straight away.” Another nod from the child in her hands prompted her to carry on. “But don’t tell anyone else about this. It’ll be our secret- alright?”

No longer was there a boundless gaiety written all over his complexion. All that was left was confusion and worry. A deep worry that possibly conjured up memories of his deceased parents. Of their brutal and unfair deaths. “Is Inuyasha okay?” Kagome forced another weak smile to her lips and reached over to smooth the hair on his head.

“He will be if you tell me every time he smells funny.” Before long, a small smile etched itself on his face. It was more of a reflex - he was merely mimicking her - and after all, she was practically his mother.

“Alright, I’ll try my hardest.” Kagome resumed her light, relaxed pace, and headed to the hut where he was going to sleep.

“There’s my boy.”


*


She told her mother she would be back that day.

Her bag was packed and ready, and she was all set for the short journey to her world. 500 years into the future. Maybe the people there knew how to deal with this. There were bound to be some books about this strange phenomenon. If not, the least she could do is get lots of bandages and antiseptics. Some medicine for the cuts, and the wounds all over his body.

Kagome heaved the large sack onto her back and began her journey to the well. The knife that Inuyasha used to hurt himself was haphazardly wrapped up in some scrap piece of material, at the bottom of her bag. Her knife. She would never look at it the same way again. Something that spilled Inuyasha’s blood could only be disdained and abhorred by her. Should she even return it? Could she not throw it away? Throw it away and forget it ever existed.

But what would that change? What would it achieve?

She would, however, hide the set of sharp glinting knives somewhere where it wasn’t visible. Although she was pretty sure Inuyasha wasn’t stupid enough to take another knife from her house. Now that she knew what he would do with it. Still, she wasn’t going to take chances. As far as she was concerned, Inuyasha was barred from the kitchen from now on.

The well was only a few meters away now, looking lonely in the middle of the field. The air was cold, and the sky dark. It was late.

“Why are you here again?” He made her jump. His irritated voice carried from behind her, where he was standing only a few feet away.

“I-Inuyasha,” Kagome turned around to look at the one that was reprimanding her, “I have to go back today, I told my mum-“

“Oh don’t tell me-” He sounded tired and worn out, and his eyes accused her. Accused her of betraying and deceiving him. “-you ‘were’ planning on leaving yesterday- I guess since I was there you decided to put it off until today.”

“Don’t be ridiculous-!”

“Save it-“The hanyou turned his head away, a glower and a scowl branding his visage, “hell, you didn’t have to lie.” So maybe Kagome was right. He was afraid that she would leave him. His anger did little in hiding the apparent truth.

“Stop thinking I’m going to leave. I just promised mum that I’ll be back today- If I don’t come-“

“Fine- go then!” With a wave of a hand, she was dismissed. Kagome frowned. She didn’t like it, but she bit her tongue before she started a pointless, meaningless argument with him. Just like he wanted her to. But not today. Today he gave her permission to go home without trying to block or demolish the well.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Whatever.” Hesitating a bit, Kagome turned around, but before she began her approach towards the well, she turned back to face the irritated hanyou.

“I want to ask something of you.”

“Not that again.” Kagome sighed. She wasn’t expecting anything in terms of enthusiasm, so his response didn’t startle or intimidate her.

“It’s not ‘that’ again. Can I see your arms?” Reaching forward she gently grabbed onto his sleeve, but almost as soon as her fingers made contact, it was roughly dragged out of her grip.

“What?! Did you fall and knock you head on something hard?”

“No- look, I’m not asking you to talk so what’s your problem?!” Anger finally flashed its ugly head and she indignantly scowled at the addled boy in front of her.

“No, I don’t want you to see them-“As he was voicing his weak protest, one of his arms was already in Kagome’s hands. Before long, the girl pushed up the sleeve and looked at the trails of horizontal lines that decorated the top of his lower arm. The thin, mahogany strips swam in pink, irritated skin. And the pink faded out into the pale silkiness that made up the rest of his skin.

Kagome dropped the arm she was holding and pulled on the second one, pushing back the sleeve. Once again, old wounds greeted her eyes as she examined his arm. Her face relaxed, and her eyes lost that sharp edge of tension. The cuts were old. That meant that Inuyasha hasn’t cut himself since the last time she’d spoken to him, at least, which was this morning.

A sadness touched her features a moment later. She didn’t want to do this. But she needed to know if he cut himself while she’s away. She tried her hardest to memorize the simple patterns that decorated the tops of his arms. When she returns, she’ll check his arms again. Or at least she’ll try to.

She felt the hanyou’s discomfort under her solemn and intensive gaze, and a few long seconds later she heard an irritated and self-conscious “What?” When she glanced at his face, she realized he was looking down at his arms, trying to figure out what was so interesting about them. She would’ve smiled at him if she weren’t feeling so nervous about what she was planning to ask him next.

“One more thing-” A pause. Please don’t cut yourself. “Umm.” She stalled.

Was it even worth saying that to him? The last time she cried and pleaded and that didn’t get her very far. He didn’t budge a centimeter, and he didn’t change his mind.

She watched him as he slowly pulled his sleeve down and lowered his arm to his side. They stood there, Kagome lost in her thoughts and indecision, and Inuyasha waiting impatiently for her to say what she needed to say.

“Kagome- if you don’t want to leave, you might as well go back to Kaede’s hut and unpack that dumb bag if yours!”

Snapping out of her stupor, the girl clutched at her bag straps and took at step backwards. “No-no, I’m going.” There was no point in asking him to do something she had no right to ask. He would just get angry and irritated, and that would mean that they would part on a bad note. And she had too much weighing down on her heart anyway.

With that, she turned and walked towards the well, and shortly after, jumped into its dark depths.

The hanyou stood on the same spot for a short while before bounding off into the Inuyasha forest, heading towards the Goshinboku. His refuge.

End of Chapter.

A/N: I’m so sorry for not updating for such a long time. I would like to thank all the people that stuck with me for the last...um...six months that I have not updated. I have read all your reviews and emails, and cherish every single one of them dearly. :3

Please review!