Red Lotus

A/N: OTL. I'm sorry. It seemed that my muse stayed in France. I tried, I tried, but I couldn't. I'm not even sure how I feel about this chapter. ALTHOUGH, thank you for voting Red Lotus 3rd best dark fic and 3rd best Kagome's Portrayal. I do not deserve it, thank you.

This is not beta-ed. And it went through a lot of re-write, so I'm sorry.

Red Lotus

6. The Proclaim

A good wife.

What exactly was the universal definition of a good wife?

A good wife should support her husband and be understanding. A good wife would attend her husband's fundraising event. Especially since he was kind enough to mention she helped. Obviously someone like Sesshomaru would not want to take the credit for an idea that was not his own. Of course he had to be that kind of person. Clearly, everyone at his work now thought she was in a better shape than expected despite her tragic cancer. Yet, nobody really expected her to accompany Sesshomaru… including him. He did not mention it, he did not invite her. He did not do it to be rude but he did it because her answer was obvious.

Or was it?

She was not that certain anymore.

Kagome was sure Sesshomaru still did not appreciate social gatherings. He probably despised them and she imagined all the odours and sounds bothered him. He might not like her that much but maybe her presence would make the evening bearable. Also, people would be more interested in her than him. She would be the centre of attention while he could mingle in the shadows. Surely he would prefer that over useless chatters with people he disliked.

The real question was, did she want to be the centre of attention? Did she want people asking her about her cancer and most of all did she want people looking at her - the new her?

Since her tragic diagnostic, the only people she saw were her family and Sesshomaru - oh and the hospital's staff. All these people were used to this piteous sight she became. But the normal world? They would stare, they would notice she was bald. She did not want them to look at her or talk about her. The poor little cancer girl. The miraculous patient. The wife of a good man who married her thinking he was going to lose her. She did not want to be any of that. She did not want them to expect something out of her. She would only disappoint them.

The thoughts alone made her guts twist, her heart squeeze and her throat clamp up. Sweat was coating her skin and her mouth was dry; she could not be a good wife. She was not a good wife. She did not even know how to be a wife - a bad or good one. Sesshomaru did not care and he did not want anything from her. He simply rescued her from her doom and was now providing for her; nothing else. She did want to try though and attempt to make his life easier. She had to do something to repay him. All this guilt swirling inside of her was slowly driving her insane.

"Do you require assistance?"

She jumped in her chair, startled.

Him catching her staring at herself in the mirror was not exactly something she wished. She was not vain or nothing - she only wanted… hair… fat? Anything! She was a terrible person…but the urge was too strong to fight. She wanted to look like a human being again. Terrible Miko. Kikyo's copy. Cancer girl. Could she just be Kagome?

"I'm f-ine."

She resisted the urge to touch her head. She was not going to do that, she was not going to let herself look weak. He did not like weakness and neither did she. She was better than that - or at least she used to be.

Kagome turned around and glanced at him, her eyes traveling over his body and stopping at his hands. She remembered their softness and warmth. She never did understand what it meant when he sat by her side. She still did not care. And it was another reason why she wanted to do something for him.

"A-re you going tomorrow?"

"I have to attend."

If he could avoid it, he would. One would think that organizing the event was enough but it was not. Although, he wondered if he said he organized it alone, they would have let him skip it. Human's curiosity was truly an annoying trait. Though, anyone who worked with him for more than a day would know those were not his ideas. He had no problem telling them Kagome played a part in it. She worked hard and she came up with great ideas. There was no reason why she should not receive acclamation for her work.

Many people asked him if she would attend. He said no without asking her.

Her physical state was improving but she was weak and he was not certain she wanted to put up a fake facade for five hours. It would be wasted energy and he wanted her to focus her efforts on something else, something more important like her recovery. Regardless, if she did wish to accompany him, he would let her; she was free to do as she pleased. However, she never brought up the subject. Until now. He was not sure why. By her scent alone, he could tell she wanted no part in being involved with the outside world.

"I guess you don't li-ke it."

"I am already forced to see them all day."

He did not want to spend more time with those morons. It gave him a headache, a painful one. "It will quickly be over." He had no desire to see her concern herself with his troubles. He put up with stupid humans for five hundred years and one extra night would not make a difference.

She inhaled deeply - as deeply as her damaged lungs would allow her - and she offered him a nod. "I - I co-uld come. If you want."

That came out all wrong but then again, she did not know how else to say it. She really did not want to but this was about compromises and sacrifices. Really, he did more of those than she ever did. It was her turn. She used to go head first into things. Anything to help her friends. Wait - well, yeah. Sesshomaru was her friend was he not? Sort of. Not the kind of friend she was used to but…

It was a friendship of its own kind.

He arched an eyebrow. "You would like to attend?" His voice did not display any emotions. Instead, he was intrigued by why her words did not match her scent.

"I would not min-d." Her heartbeat was skyrocketing and she was certain it was mere moments away from breaking through her fragile chest. It felt pointless to speak; he knew how she felt. His nose betrayed her.

For a brief moment, he wondered if there was an answer. She desired to attend but she did not fancy it at the same time. Because human emotions were not something he had a full grasp on, he simply nodded. If she said she wanted to go, she could. "I will get the proper attire for you."

Right. She probably did not own anything that was appropriate enough. The cancer plagued her quickly after she stopped school - all she had were school uniforms and teenage clothes. "Thank you."

Her mouth felt like cotton and suddenly, there were no other words she could speak. She agreed. She agreed to go to this event, to see and meet people and to talk about her cancer. She did not talk about her cancer. Not with her family and not with Sesshomaru. That was why she enjoyed his company so much; he did not mention it, he did not focus on it.

He did not even care.

That was the way she liked it. Everywhere she went, everywhere she looked, it was right there. She could never escape it. When he ignored it, when he looked at her as if she was no different, she could forget about it.

Sesshomaru gave her one last nod before exiting the bedroom, leaving her completely alone. He knew how she felt. He could smell it and he could sense it. Yet, he did not question it, he did not even ask if she was certain she wanted to do this. He let her lie, he let her create a fake little world and live in it happily.

Nobody ever did that.

She sought warmth, she sought someone who cared - before. Her cancer transformed her into a new person. Now, she craved someone who was cold, someone who ignored the obvious - who was oblivious to her pain.

Someone like Sesshomaru.

It was crazy how one event could change someone completely.

-R-

Silence. Awkwardness. One of them she craved while the other irked her. Kagome could feel her mother's eyes on her as they watched television. She yearned to ask a question but she did not. Probably because Miyu was not sure Kagome wished to discuss. Maybe she thought the question was not appropriate.

"Yes, I am go-ing," Kagome finally said, tired of the silence.

"Are you sure?" her mother inquired with corned hinted in her voice.

She was only asking because she knew her daughter. Kagome had a habit of ignoring her own feelings for the sake of others. Perhaps Kagome thought Sesshomaru needed her and she was willing to undermine her emotions for him. She probably needed him to need her since he did so much for her. She simply did not wish for her to push herself too much too early.

"I shou-ld be there with him."

"Did he ask you?"

"No."

"Are you ready for this?"

Yes. No. Truthfully, she would never be. "I th-ink so." Facing the world after you gave up, after you accepted imminent death was nothing something she knew how to do.

"I thought you might go," she said before getting up and reaching for her bag. Inside, she retrieved a box and handed it to Kagome. "You don't have to wear it, but I thought you might like to have the option."

Kagome frowned but nodded anyway as she took the box from her mother. Slowly, she opened it only to reveal…hair? A wig. Of course. It made…. sense? Lots of people with cancer wore one right? It made their situation…less obvious. It made them more… normal? She was always very different and she liked it. Now, she wanted to be like everybody else. It made her sick to her stomach. She carefully took the wig out of the box and held it up in front of her. It was long and black just like her real hair - the one she used to have.

"Thanks M-om."

"You don't have to wear it. I just-" She could tell her daughter was apprehensive about the whole thing. She wanted to give her a chance to be as comfortable as she craved to be.

They would know. They would know it was a wig. How could she have long hair so shortly after losing it all? They would know and they would pretend they did not. They would lie.

"Thank you." She could not wear it. She should. She might blend in easier, but she could not.

Kagome quietly put the wig back in the box and put it on the table. She leaned back against the cushion and resumed waiting. Waiting for Sesshomaru to come back home with her dress so that they could go to the fundraising. The more seconds ticked away, the more nervous she grew. She would not go back on her word but she was uncomfortable. Perhaps it was one more reason to do it. One more step towards finding herself again… or building a new Kagome.

As if on cue, the door opened.

Sesshomaru took his time getting to the apartment. Mostly because before he even reached the door, the smells attacked his nose. Nervousness was not a pleasing scent. Despite his slow steps, he found himself reaching the apartment with no other choice but to go in. The box containing the dress was tucked under his arm as he stepped inside. He felt her eyes on him but he did not look her way.

Instead, he greeted her mother. "Mrs. Higurashi."

"Sesshomaru," she nodded back.

Then, he looked at her. "I have your dress. If you still wish to attend."

"I do," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

He put the box down, right on top of the other one, and vanished into his room to get ready. Kagome stared at the box knowing she had to do the same. She shakily got on her feet while her mother retrieved the items for her, following her closely behind. Just in case. It was slow but she made it to the room after much efforts. Unfortunately it did not leave her very presentable; she was covered in sweat. It frustrated her that after all her hard work she could barely make it to her room.

"I'll mana-ge," she said as her mother took the dress out of the box.

Miyu nodded as she laid it out on the bed. She would wait by the door in case Kagome could not do it on her own. She quickly left the room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Kagome plopped down on her bed and gazed at the dress. It was a muted gold, medium length, and it had a darker golden ribbon wrapped around the middle with a bow at the back. The price tag was gone meaning she would never know just how much he spent on her, again. She gripped the hem of her shirt and put all of strength into pulling it over her head. She struggled, she grunted but she succeeded. Kagome found herself out of breathe but not as much as expected. Unfortunately for her, she still had her pants to take off.

She took a small break to regain her energy. Her mind felt fuzzy and her tongue was like paste in her mouth. It was just people - she used to be good with people. She was lively, happy. She shook her head and cleared her mind before attacking her next step. She undid the button and the zipper and slipped them off. It was easier than the shirt. Once her pants gathered at her feet, she gave a little kick and they fell off.

Kagome ran her hand over the soft fabric of the dress before grabbing it. She slipped it on and it did not require any effort - it was perfect. She rose to her feet, using her bed as support, and stared at her reflection. The dress ended beneath her knees, making it long enough to hide their rather bony appearance. It would be pretty if she had a woman shape to fill it. However, it would have to do. There was however one thing she could improve upon.

Her hair was nothing more than patches of bald spots and thin hair. Because her body attacked itself for a while, there was no helping it; she lost most of what grew back. Not only that but, the hair she did have left was fuzzy and ugly. There was one way to fix it. She reached out for the razor in her drawer and began her work.

And she did not stop until it was all gone.

Once it was smooth, she ran her hand over her head. All or nothing. It gave her courage but made her more vulnerable at the same time.

Now she was ready to go out there and - be whatever they expected her to be. She tried to take a deep breathe but nearly choked trying. Nobody would push her; she had to do it herself. She needed to get up now or she would never go. Kagome gathered all of her strength and managed to make it to the door with shaky legs. Once she reached the living room, she found Sesshomaru waiting for her.

He was dressed as he usually was for work; in a suit. His silky silver hair was pulled in a neat ponytail and his face was as it should be; emotionless. Why could she not be stoic like him? Why did she have to be a train wreck inside?

"I'm r-eady," she said when he remained silent.

He knew she was there. He smelled her coming before she even got up. Usually, there was only one emotion on her but tonight was different. Feelings were swirling and mixing with her aura and he did not enjoy it. What good was her presence if her emotions were going to nettle him just as much as all of the others idiots' feelings? Nonetheless, he made no comment and he showed no aggravation. This was also her project - he would tolerate the annoyance like he tolerated everything else.

At least her sadness and angriness were not foreign emotions to him . He learned to live with those emotions surrounding him. In fact, he did not mind it when rage sparked inside of her. It was one feeling he could somewhat relate to - one he actually could thrive on. Nervousness however, was a complete mystery to him. Also, what was she being nervous about?

Sesshomaru waited a bit longer, almost waiting for her to change her mind, before he rose to his feet. He nearly asked her if she was certain of her decision but he knew better. She could not back down. It had nothing to do with him and rather everything to do with herself. Instead, he offered her his arm and she gladly accepted it.

Her tiny fingers wrapped around his forearm and she squeezed it with each step. He remembered her fingers. They were warm. Even now their warmth radiated through the fabric of his jacket. But he did not think about it because they were supposed to be warm. She was human with warm blood running through her body.

The thought lingered in his mind for a moment before he pushed it aside. For now, there was only one thing concerning him; tolerating all the idiots that would surround him tonight.

The trick was to not kill any of them.

-R-

This evening was everything she expected it to be and yet, it overwhelmed her.

Kagome prepared herself for the stares, the whispers, the shocked expressions but despite that, once they all became a reality, she found herself unable to handle it. She stayed by Sesshomaru's side, a smile on her face, and hide the fact that deep inside, she was coming undone. They looked and they did not try to hide it. Pity was so obvious in their eyes that it sickened her. Of course people were supposed to tell her how brave she was to fight through her cancer. They were supposed to tell her she was courageous and that she found a wonderful husband. However, it was all lies.

They did not know her, how could they feel anything towards her? Pity was a way to hide the lack of caring. Look at the poor cancer girl.

Despite it all, she swallowed her feelings and managed to make it two hours without breaking down. Then, it worsened. Sesshomaru was forced to leave her side to introduce their project. When he was by her side, she focused on his aura and ignored the vibes she was getting from everyone else. Unfortunately, she could not do that when he was far. She was still weak and her powers were barely alive. Instead, she suffocated in the pity.

Knowing she had to get out of there, she found refuge in the bathroom. Everyone was listening to Sesshomaru's speech which gave her a moment of peace. She locked herself away in one of the stall and sat down to recover. She took deep breaths while trying to convince herself she was making the situation out to be worse than it was. Perhaps it was genuine concern. Perhaps they were as awkward around her as she was around them and did not know how to act. Maybe, they were trying to act normal but did not know how.

Those thoughts were almost comforting.

Then, her peace was shattered when the doors of the bathroom opened and two women came in chattering.

"He might be a little rude, but with a face and body like that who cares?"

Scoff. "I can't believe someone like him got married. He just doesn't seem like the type."

"I know right? He barely talks or looks at anyone."

"Well maybe he's just…faithful."

"Still…married?"

"She was probably just a girlfriend. Then she got sick. What else was he supposed to do?"

"Guess he got screwed. Dying girl did not die."

"Her hair died though."

They both giggled and Kagome felt her heart squeeze with pain and rage. She could not speak, she could not move - she was not even sure she was breathing. They did not know her and they had no interest in knowing her. They preferred judging her based on her appearance alone.

"I mean, did you see her? She is completely bald. Don't tell me she couldn't afford a wig."

"This is Sesshomaru we're talking about. The man has perfect hair, perfect everything. Couldn't she make an effort? She's lucky enoygh to have him."

Her grip on the lock tightened and she nearly unlocked it out of rage. Her breathing was harsh, coming out as nothing more than short puffs of air. Her lungs were on fire and her mind dizzy from the lack of oxygen. The anger swirling inside of her was out of control. Nonetheless, she knew that going out there would only make them win. If she pretended like she was fine, they would know it was a lie. If she yelled at them, they would be pleased with themselves.

Instead, she was forced to remain hidden with tears burning at her eyes.

She waited, feeling deaf, until the sound of the door closing echoed through. Then, her whole world began moving again. She inhaled very deeply, her lungs feeling like they were bursting into flames. Her mouth was dry as she stepped out of the stall. She walked over to the mirror and leaned on it. She saw her reflection, she saw the baldness but right now she was not seeing what they saw. She was a survivor. She put her life on the line and she did not get a reward; she got another challenge. Right now, she was facing it and fighting it the best she could.

People judged. They did it back in the Feudal Era when she ran around in her school uniform and they were doing it now that she was sick and bald. No matter what, people were going to judge her. She was prepared for this. She did this so that the attention would be on her instead of Sesshomaru. It was working was it not?

Kagome turned on the knob of the sink and splashed some cold water on her face. She was not wearing any make up so there was not anything to ruin. She reached out for some paper towels and wiped her face. Once her legs did not feel as shaky anymore, she walked out.

Apparently she stayed away long enough for Sesshomaru to finish his speech since he was no longer on the stage. Her eyes searched the room, waiting to spot his familiar silver hair. Relief washed over her when she finally saw him. She headed towards him as fast as she could, trying to take small breaths with each steps.

However, she barely traveled three feet that he was in front of her. She blinked, confused. Did- did he use his speed? In front of everyone?

"If you are not well, I will drive you home."

Even if he did not falter, he noticed her disappearing. He imagined it was because she was nauseous. After all, she spent a lot of time on her feet, even though people offered her chairs constantly, and this was probably hard on her recovering body. Nobody would say anything if he left to drive his sick wife home.

She shook her head. Somehow, she felt it would make her lose, make her weak. "I was just d-izzy."

"Sesshomaru!"

Kagome froze, recognizing the voice; it was one of the girls from the bathroom.

A brunette walked up to them, her green eyes shining with happiness. "I have been looking for you everywhere! I've been dying to meet your wife."

Her gaze shifted from Sesshomaru to Kagome, her smile never faltering. "You must be….Kagome? I'm Aimi."

Apparently, it was very easy for some people to fake. "Ni-ce to meet you."

"I work with your husband," she hurried to say. "See him almost every day. Didn't expect him to get married. I mean we didn't even know he was dating anyone. He's kinda the secretive type isn't he?"

She had no idea. "Not re-ally."

Aimi seemed to twitch for a moment but quickly recovered. "Well-" It was clear she was about to make more pointless conversation until she noticed Sesshomaru's glare. "It was mm, nice meeting you. I'll see you Monday, Sesshomaru."

Kagome's heart was beating a bit fast but she remained strong and steady in appearance. Sesshomaru saw her broken, her mother saw her broken but these strangers did not get to see her at her worst. She did not care if took all of her energy to put up a facade; she would do it.

They both watched her walk away and Sesshomaru did not fail to notice a difference in Kagome's scent; she was no longer nervous.

Hn.

-R-

The rest of the evening was as uneventful as expected and by the time they made it home, Kagome was certain she was going to fall asleep before she reached her bedroom. She was leaning on Sesshomaru way more than she intended to but she could not help it. Her body was so heavy that she was unable to hold it up. He did not seem to mind as he half carried her inside. Her lungs felt weak as she pressed her back against the wall while he locked the door. At that precise moment, if she could stop breathing she would, just to ease the pain she was feeling.

"Thank you for accompanying me tonight," he said as he removed his jacket and folded it.

"T-hank you for taking m-e."

"Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. If she ate she was sure she would throw up. "I just ne-ed to rest."

He would have offered her help but she turned around and began dragging her body towards her room. She tried not to hold on to the walls but she lost her balance from time to time. He stayed there, observing her in case she fell, until she disappeared from his sight.

Once he could no longer see her, he went in his own bedroom. The first thing he did was loosen his tie and inhale deeply. For once, nobody paid much attention to him. Usually they used these public events to try and make him talk about his private life and other subjects. Obviously they were always disappointed since he never said anything. This year, they did not try. They were too busy staring at Kagome.

She handled it much better than he expected. Although he could tell right now she had no energy left.

Also she was -

Wait. That salty scent…

She was crying.

He tilted his head to the left, a hint of confusing plaguing him. She got over her nervousness earlier. What could possibly make her cry? Humans were complex. The evening was fine. No reason to be upset. Perhaps exhaustion got the best out of her.

A foreign feeling of curiosity forced him to exit his room and silently get closer to hers. Her door was shut, as expected, but from his location he could hear her sobbing loud and clear. This was the kind of situations he did not get involved in. Tears made no sense to him and he would not know how to comfort someone. Proving her with a home and health was something he could do. It was basic, it did not require feelings.

This however… he did not do.

Yet, he lingered. He listened to her muffled sounds, the hiccups, her tired lungs; all the little noises she made. After a moment, he sensed her tense and he guessed why; she was aware of his presence. Without shame, he knocked on her door. He heard the faint sound of her voice and took it as his cue to come in.

"Are you hurt?"

She almost smiled, almost. At first, she thought he was walking around but when it did not feel like he was moving, she realized he was spying on her. It seemed she was wrong. He simply thought she injured herself. Considering how clumsy she was naturally, it was no surprise he came to that conclusion.

"I'm fi-ne."

He nodded. If she was not hurt, then his presence was not required.

"I ju- I don't care what they th-ink. I don't ca-re they think it's stu-pid to be bald. I always di-d what I wan-ted to do without min-ding other people's opinions." She paused to catch her breath. "But why do it hu-rts this much?"

The stares were the main things she remembered each time she closed her eyes. Each time she felt herself taking a step in the right direction, something held her back. Everything crumbled around her since she first learned about her cancer and she did not know where to start rebuilding.

Her turmoil caused a shift inside of him, probably because of their bond and it became rather uncomfortable to be this close to her. He faced this problem once before and he did not like it then…he still did not now.

"Humans are vicious creatures."

"I'm hu-man."

"You are a Miko." It was different. Her people were meant for good. Did she not sacrifice herself countless of times? "Humans do not adapt. They attack, they lash out. Youkais have found it easier to blend in than to attack them."

She knew that.

Kagome was not sure what she thought would happen. She had it all, the pretty dress, the handsome mm, prince charming, but her dreams did not come true. Putting on a dress did not make magical things happen. She knew it would not. Some silly part of her, deep inside, did expect it.

"You do not have to act like a human. You could act like a youkai."

She sniffled slightly, her red eyes tiny as she tried to focus on his face. "Act like a you-kai?"

"Know you are better than them and that you will withstand time while they will not. They will fade and you will remain."

Right, her life was going to be longer now that they were mated. She was going to be healthy eventually and not fall prey to sickness again. She never fitted and perhaps being a youkai was going to be her way to fit in. The outside world was not made for her anymore; she lived through too much and she did not know how to be normal anymore.

She could do it; she could live in a timeless bubble in here.

Her appearance would not matter, her sickness would not matter and the harshness of the outside world would have no effect on her.

"Thank you," she said, breaking the silence.

He nodded. "You are worthy."

On those words, he finally left her room, quietly closing it behind him.

Each day, he surprised her. She truly did not know him at all. Perhaps nobody ever knew Sesshomaru, not even Inuyasha or Jaken. Actually…maybe Rin did.

As her tears dried, she got up and grabbed her small blanket. Then, she used it to cover her mirror. Her hair would grow back when it would grow back. Her shape would return when her health would.

If she could pull through the dark days then she might just make it out alive.

Strangely, it seemed that with Sesshomaru as her comfort blanket, as her person to lean back on, she could believe in her recovery.

One day at a time… as a youkai.

-R-