My Humps

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha

Chapter 6:

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Yep?” Yawned a still sleepy voice.

“SANGO! It's freakin 2pm, wake your ass up and drive here to my apartment ASAP! we need to discuss the possible extinction of all human beings within the next 24 HRS!!!!!!”

“Are you doing that glue thing again? Damn it Kagome....”

“Idiot! You and Ayame were the glue sniffing queens in high school not me! Ah crap Sango-girl, that's not what I need to talk to you about. It's about Sesshoumaru...”

“HE KNOWS?” Screeched Sango in alarm.

“No, but..”

“Well then, what hell is the problem?” Grumbled Sango irritably.

“I think he's interested in Takara.” Whispered Kagome.

“Who?”

“Takara! You know Smurf-blue-haired version of me!”

“What's wrong with that? That was our intent wasn't it?”

“Yea, but not the part where the almighty jackass orders me to be go-between!” Snapped Kagome.

“F'ck!”

“You got that right.” Snorted Kagome. “Oh..and then there's the matter where he says and I quote 'I will have her as mate. I will accept no other.” Mimicked Kagome in her best Sesshoumaru impersonation.

“Double F'ck!”

“Make that a triple F'ck, with a sh't load of damn on the side.... (sigh)...He wants to have dinner with Takara tonight....”

“And?...” Croaked Sango.

“With me acting as go-between.”

THUD.

“Sango?...Sango? You still listening? We need back-up! This sh't is too big for us to handle! ...SANGO!”

5 Minutes later:

BANG.

Sango gave one solid kick and nearly sent Kagome's door flying off the hinges. She was still wearing her Elmo pajamas with the words 'cutie pie' printed on the pajama top.

“We .... (pant).. need.. (huff)... contigent... plan..”

“How d'ya do that?” Asked a shocked Kagome, still holding onto the phone.

“Don't ...(gasp)...ask...(cough)...I'm...(hack).... here ..(wheeze)...aren't I?” Sango makes a motion to Kagome to allow to recover first.

Kagome brings her a cup of water. Sango takes it gratefully, drinking it down her parched throat.

“What do you intend to do?”

“Who me? Hey you're the evil genius that brain-stormed this...” Said Kagome as she scratched her head absent-mindedly. “I got it!”

Almost on cue, Sango's eyes lit like light bulbs.

“I will meet him as Takara at the restaurant.... and as Kagome.... of course, we can't ask Ayame on this one she's already got her hands full with Hakkaku and Ginta.....Hmmm, yep! Jakotsu's will definitely love this one...” Grinned Kagome.

“Whoah woah! Time out!... 'It's raining men' Jakotsu? ... Kagome are you insane?” Ranted Sango. “We're in enough trouble as it is, without you dragging Yin and Yang confused Jakotsu into this..”

“He/She, Yin Yang... Jakotsu's the best of both worlds! Besides, Jakotsu's an expert when it comes to match making.”

“Fine! But Sesshoumaru gets to strangle the both of you with his fluffy boa if this back fires.” Grumbled Sango. “You might as well call him... her...whatever the hell gender Jakotsu's in the mood for.”

“Waaaayyy ahead of you, I already did!”

Music drifts into their ears.

“What the hell is that?” Quizzed Sango raising an eyebrow.

Both girls strain their hearing to the bouncy tune that's getting louder by each second.

“Destiny's Child?” Asked Sango.

Right on the cue, Jakotsu's fluorescent and very flared yellow pants and skin tight tube top make it's appearance in the doorway, complete with highlighter yellow wig that closely resembles Marge Simpson's towering hair-do.

“Hey Kagome, your bootylicious savior has arrived!”

“Aww damn it..... My eyes!” Bemoaned Sango tragically, rubbing her eyes furiously. “What's with all the luminescence? You f'ckin have enough lights to guide an entire squadron of planes!”

Jakotsu rolls his eyes at the fallen form of Sango. “Like moths on a flame. I can't help it if my beauty is that alluring...”

“What flame? With that outfit you have on one would think you were an experiment in a nuclear power plant gone horribly wrong.”

“Jealously is an ugly word my dear besides you need all the help that you can get.” Jakotsu winked suggestively.

“She's right Sango.. please lets all be civil about this.” Pleaded a puppy-eyed Kagome. Sango sighed heavily but nodded her consent.

“Riggghtty then divas, what are we exactly facing here? Kagome never explained fully on the phone.... ohhh and can we discuss it over a cuppa tea maybe?”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

An hour later.

“Sou ka? Quite a dilemma you have Kagome.. Kinda reminds me when I first had my bikini waxed..” Giggled Jakotsu girlishly.

Sango and Kagome looked at each other suppressing a gag.

“Jakotsu that's one revolting and sh't ugly mental picture my already stressed out mind could've done without!” Shuddered Sango in disgust.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

“You expecting other company Kagome?”

“No Sango I'm not.” Frowned Kagome.

Before they could voice out any protest, Jakotsu had already sprung to his feet and walked towards the door.

“Who is it?” He sang sweetly.

Cautiously he hunched over and peered through the circular peep hole, seeing only the dark fabric of an expensive looking suit he opened the door.

GASP!

Wordlessly he walked back to the girls in a shaky disoriented stride.

“Who was that?”

“An angel from heaven come to save us in our hour of need!” Continued Jakotsu, theatrically placing the back of his hand on his forehead.

BOINK.

An irritated Sango stands with a truimphant smirk, after having hit the dazed out Jakotsu in the back of his head.

“I dunno bout you Kagome, but DAMN! I wanted to do that since Pricilla Queen of the desert got here!” Screamed Sango pointing candidly at the fallen form of Jakotsu.

“F'ck Sango! Could you tone done the violence?”

Sango and Kagome turned toward the voice.

“I-Inuyasha!” Gasped Kagome standing up abruptly.

“Yea... I just came over to see how you're doing.” He said shoving his hands in his pockets, much like a school boy.

Kagome smiled warmly. “That's nice Inuyasha, well umm, as you can see I'm fine.”

Inuyasha tilted his head toward her and shrugged his shoulders back, “listen, I need to talk to you about Kikyo..it's important.” He pleaded. “I'm not doing anything tomorrow night and I was wondering if...”

“Definately not!!” Protested Sango, jumping in between the hanyou and her best friend.

“You tell him diva!” Joined Jakotsu standing up jerkily onto his feet.

“WHO ASKED THE BOTH OF YOU?” Roared Inuyasha.

“Don't pop a vein darrrlllinnnggg.” Cooed Jakotsu wrapping himself onto Inuyasha's twitching form. “She's busy... but I'm not though.” He added smacking his lips loudly.

“Sh't! Get it off! Get it off!” Yelled the hanyou jumping on one foot. “I said GET THE F'CK OFF YA DAMN COW!!!” He and Jakotsu twirl around the tiny lounge as Sango chase after them. “AND WHAT THE F'CK IS THAT HARD LUMP?”

“Ohhhh Monseur... my udders need a tweakin...por favor.” Jakotsu moaned pushing his chest toward Inuyasha's right hand.

Inuyasha pales as he jumps around with renewed vigor.

“STOP LEECHING ONTO ME!”

“I will once you stand still!” Screamed Sango, trying her hardest to pry off the pouting Jakotsu.

“Oh god...” Groaned Kagome, massaging her temples.

BANG.

“You're once, twice, three times a lady....And I loveeeee youuuu.” Sang Kouga as he burst through the door.

“That's it no more freakin gate crashers!” Cried Sango plastering an ofuda on the door, rushing past the still posing Kouga. “There! Now it's youkai proof!”

“Va-va-va-VOOM!” Squeaked Jakotsu, eyes wide and drooling.

“Kagome, your dual gender pal's horny meter is just about to implode!” Cried Sango critically.

“God..This is a f'cking nightmare!” Despaired Kagome, clasping both hands on either side of her face.

Knock. Knock.

Kagome sighs heavily as she drags her feet towards the door. Languidly she turns to look at the chaotic circus playing out in the midst of her cramped apartment. Kouga was running around the lounge as Jakotsu smacks the ookami's ass with his hand while riding on Inuyasha's back-having a firm grasp on the retching hanyou's doggie ears. Meanwhile a red faced Sango is pulling desperately at Jakotsu's left leg, trying to pry him off. Shaking her head she slowly opens the door.

GASP!

She slams the door close.

Inuyasha, Kouga, Sango and Jakotsu turn to look at her.

“Se-Se-Se..”

“OH Sh't .... um HIDE!” Cried Sango violently shoving Inuyasha, Kouga and Jakotsu in the small closet. Turning to Kagome she orders, “here, spray this, it will get rid of all the scents in this room!”

Sango and Kagome spray frantically as Sesshoumaru's knocks became much more pronounced. 'Without the ofuda, that sure as hell would've broken.' Thought Sango.

“Just a minute Sesshoumaru!” Huffed Kagome.

“Wench what's going on in there!” Demanded the Taiyoukai gritting his teeth. “It is imperative that this Sesshoumaru speak to you regarding the proper proceedings required for tonight.... (BANG) .. (BANG) ...Open this door immediately!”

“Hmp! Just like him to start popping hemorrhoids in his ass just coz he can't freakin wait.” Mumbled Kagome irritably.

“Sh't.. the smellometer reading says the scents aren't dissipating fast enough.” Panicked Sango, waving a black, palm-size rectangular slab in the air.

“Smellometer? How did you come up with that?.... Never mind I don't think I want to know”

“Not fast enough!” She stands up on the coffee table waving her arms around while taking deep breaths and blowing them at the stagnant air.

“LET ME IN KAGOME!”

“LET US OUT KAGOME!”

“Phooooo! Phooooo!”

'I'm gonna die, I just know it.' Sighed Kagome.