A Self Called Nowhere

I was thinking of an unrelated thing
Unconnected and free
No relationship to anything

How come you never look me in the eye?


...I’m still thinking of an unrelated thing

--They Might Be Giants


Everyone had been acting strange around her lately and it was getting on her nerves. Yes, the whole situation with Sesshoumaru had weirded her out and so she was acting a little irregular. And yes, there were some awfully strange dreams that happened to be about "the incident" that kept her up for the last two nights but she'd managed to ignore it. After all, they were only dreams and if they were a bad portent or some kind of spell, they'd be activated and she'd be trying to kill people by now.

Kagome had never been the kind of girl who went for subterfuge tactics but she felt she had a right to know. The day after the cemetery incident, Kaede and Miroku had disappeared for a long time. Only to reappear long after the sun had set. Neither of them said a word, but she noticed the side long glance Kaede gave her as she entered the hut. It was as if she was looking for something.

The next day she felt it too. She'd seen Miroku talking to Shippou, which in and of itself meant nothing. But when the kit had practically knocked her over not ten seconds later, sniffing her like there was no tomorrow...she knew something was up. Plus, they'd been awful insistent about accompanying her when she went to heal Sesshoumaru. And she'd noticed the way they'd stare at him, like they were waiting for him to do something. He had...but they'd never know. It was harmless. It was nothing.

Or at least, that's what she told herself. She had rationalized that whatever weirdness was happening was accidental. Just a result of him having lost someone dear to him and her being human, perhaps he saw her as someone who'd understand. It was just a kind of mourning. Different from the way humans did it, but it was mourning none-the-less and nothing to be concerned over. Or so she told herself again and again, but doubt had begun to nag at her.

And she was worried.

She was being watched. Not just by Miroku and Kaede. She was watched by him. Could feel him, even when he wasn't near but not in the normal way someone with spiritual powers would sense demonic power. It was something deeper and beyond comprehension. It was out of her control, a situation she found herself in all too often. A situation she was beginning to hate immensely.

They weren't telling her something. They knew what was happening or they thought they knew. Maybe they hoped to prevent something even more terrible than her mild embarrassment at Sesshoumaru's odd behavior. If so, why weren't they telling her?

Probably because they knew it would do little good. Even if she knew, she wouldn't stop doing something despite the fact that'd put her in danger. She'd proven that fact on more than one occasion. Still, it would be nice to be let in on the big secret. Or maybe it wasn't something she really wanted to know.

Ah, but she was always a curious one and like the cat, one day it would probably kill her.

Unconsciously, she made herself as quiet as possible and inched towards the hut. It was wrong to spy like this but she had to know. They couldn't keep the truth from her forever. She had a right to know, dammit. A right to know about something that would affect her life like this, whatever it might be. Straining her ears, she listened carefully, trying to catch whatever she could of their conversation.

Miroku's soft came liltingly from the hut, "--ttack was more than just an attempt on his life. It was meant to break him. I don't think it mattered to Naraku whether he lived or died because he knew either way it would bring disgrace upon Sesshoumaru. He wanted to humiliate him. To make him look weak."

"I understand all of that but how does Kagome fit in?"

Miroku's voice became slightly muffled and she had to strain to hear, "--o you know about Kindoku poisoning?"

"Enough." Sango paused, "I've used a variant of that poison on several occasions, actually. But I still don't understand what your point is."

"Always without desire we must be found. For if desire with us be. Its outer fringe is all we see." He intoned with stoic solemnity.

"Yes, your clever poem clears up all my questions. Thank so very much, Houshi-sama." Sango's voice bit back sarcastically, the tone in her voice clearly conveying her annoyance with his evasiveness.

The monk heaved a great sigh and Kagome could almost imagine him shaking his head as he spoke, "Humans are creatures of desire. Even in our most selfless actions we express our desires, our wishes."

"I don't understand..." she said, her voice was quiet, concerned.

"Over the years, we humans have made rules for ourselves. Laws, morals, codes of conduct, all of these things are meant to suppress our ever growing desires. These same rules, in their own way, are selfish, born out of our desire to be better than our baser nature. We seek to conquer our desires, yet those same desires underlie our every action...no matter how noble they seem."

"So..." Sango began, her interest turning into suspicion as he spoke, "Morality is nothing more than suppressed desire...attempting to justify yourself again, Monk?"

"No." He said, his voice sharp and defensive, "Sango, if you were given a choice to save yourself, but if that same salvation came at the expense of another...would you do it?"

"It depends on the situation..."

"All right, say it was a child that was in danger. If you help the child, you'll surely die. Yet, if you do nothing, you condemn the child to death. What would you do? Let the child die or do everything in your power to save that child?"

"WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT! Of COURSE I'd save the child!"

"Why?"

"Because it'd be wrong not to!" Sango snapped at him, clearly irritated by the subject matter and how close it hit to home.

The monk didn't seem to take offense at her harsh tones and said in voice layered with sympathy, "So, you don't want the child to die. Do you desire your own death?"

"No...but..."

"But your desire for life would be less knowing that it came at the expense of another."

"Yes." She said, all too quietly, "Is there a point to all of this, Monk? It just seems like useless rumination to me..."

He didn't comment on what she said, instead, he continued on as if she hadn't spoken at all, "For youkai...it's not the same. They have desires, like we do, but they aren't ruled so thoroughly by them, as we are. They are creatures of nature, more in tune with it than any human could ever be. A youkai wouldn't save that child...unless they needed it for something. It's the way of nature. The strong survive. The weak and useless die. If the child had any desire to live, it'd save itself."

There was a long, annoyingly awkward silence that hung about the hut for a tedious amount of time. Sango was the first to speak, and it was with great hesitation, "You're saying...I don't think I like the implica--Wait, what ARE you saying?"

"Kagome has saved a great many people...and she has saved many youkai as well. She does this out of a desire to help others, oftentimes at her own expense. Many, youkai and human, have taken advantage of this fact." He paused and heaved a great, weary sigh, "She is the most selfless person I know and it does her credit..."

"But..."

"But, this situation with Sesshoumaru," he trailed off then, as if gathering his thoughts, "She's playing a dangerous game and we're letting her. I'm concerned, Sango. I'm worried something will happen to her...There's a ritual I've been meaning to ask you about..."

Their words became muddied by the wind and their own whispering. Miroku apparently explaining the details of the ritual to Sango but she couldn't catch the words. The only thing she managed to hear well enough to understand were two words. Kanya Samprayuktaka. The name of the ritual.

At the time, she didn't know what the strange foreign sounding phrase meant. Now she knew. Yes, Kagome knew what it meant and where it came from. But then it had seemed like a bunch of strange sounds strung together with no meaning.

"I know this.." Sango gasped in horror laced with abject fear, "Oh...god...I know this...it's not a ritual. It's a curse."

"A curse? Are you sure? I was told..."

"OF COURSE I'M SURE!" Sango exploded, insulted that the Monk dared to question her knowledge, "Kindoku is a powerful poison, especially in higher doses. It kills quite effectively but it can do other things as well. It's a very versatile poison and there are a number of ways to prepare it."

"Hm. Interesting. Poisons are generally made to kill... So, what else could it be used for? "

"Well, I'd rather not say." She said, stumbling over her words in embarrassment, "B-but...it's just like you said...it can be used to humiliate one's enemies."

Miroku made a small, appreciative grunt. He must have been thinking because the hut went quiet again. Kagome nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard his staff jingle. He began to speak very quietly, but his voice was too low and muffled for her to hear exactly what it was he was saying. She strained her ears and caught the last bit of his finishing sentence, "--to strengthen another's aura. It's disconcerting that Sess--"

"I know what Kanya Samprayuktaka is used for, you pervert! But this is more than just some ritual to strengthen auras here! When that specific ritual is used in conjunction with the right variant of Kindoku...it...it becomes something much more. It's dangerous!" She hissed, thumping her hand on the floor for emphasis.

And in her head, Kagome repeated that word. Dangerous?

"I don't understand...I was told.."

"I don't care what you were told! Has he activated it? Tell me, Miroku! Has that..." She stopped herself before lowering her voice to a whisper, "...that youkai taken the first step?"

"I don't know."

"Damn..."

"Please, could you clarify a bit..."

"That ritual and Kindoku...If he's taken the first step, like you fear--th--be--dra-- together." She explained hurriedly, her voice skipping softly like a broken record, "Like moths to a flame, neith--oukai under Kindoku's influence after havi--star--itual will seek out something pure. Not just vir--"

Sango's voice became even quieter and was lost to the wind and the beating of her heart. She didn't like the sound of that at all, whatever it was and she desperately wanted to know what was being said seeing as it involved her and all. Kagome strained her ears, and prayed the wind had finished but whatever point the slayer had wanted to get across had fluttered away, Sango's voice only lifting much too late for her to glean any kind of useful information. Something was going on. She could feel the turning wheels and the machination of fate...or the gods...or something else, but she couldn't see the train yet. And if she couldn't see the train, how was she supposed to avoid it?

Sango's voice picked up in volume, becoming tremulously insistent, "--ake that light from them and come back for more and more. Like a drug...and if they're not careful...It could...We could lose her...I-It's just dangerous...for both of them."

"...Because the demonic and the holy have never existed in harmony." Miroku paused in thought a moment before speaking again, this time more slowly. "Is there a way to tell if he's invoked the first part of the ritual?"

"Yes, a mark...somewhere on her neck. It'd be small. Shaped like a diamond."

Absently, Kagome's hand snaked up to touch her neck, searching the flesh for the mark. At first, she was relieved to find nothing, until her fingers grazed behind her ear, near the hairline. For lack of a better description, it was where Sesshoumaru had nuzzled her. In that place was a small patch of scaly skin that felt like a wound that was just healing over. Her eyes watered and she felt panic rise within her. There was no way! It was a mistake. She'd just injured herself there and forgot about it. It was a pimple or something. Yes, a pimple that appeared magically in the place where a demon had gotten all close and comfy. He wouldn't...do whatever it was that they were saying. What kind of ritual were they talking about anyway...and what would it do? More importantly, why? So many questions, so few answers.

She could no longer hear her friend's hushed conversation.

A part of her screamed to rush in and confront them, to ask them what in the hell they were talking about. She had a right to know but something deep within her, that was dark and scared, kept her from doing that. Hiding in the corners of herself, she blinked once and stood. Numbly, she walked forward, not really sure where she was going, only knowing that she had to be away from that hut.

The question of why came again but this time she ignored it. She didn't want to know.

Villagers passed her, giving the young priestess odd looks as she walked by. They'd often seen her in such deep thought and the look on her face wasn't unfamiliar. Yet, there was something off about her behavior over the last few days that none could quite put their finger on. She seemed distant, more moody than usual. Her manner bespoke of a restless fear and it was noted by many that she seemed nervous. Jumping at every little shadow that crossed her path, which was quite unlike the brave girl they knew. Concerned, one of the village girls stopped the priestess by setting a hand on her arm. Kagome jumped, squeaking shrilly in surprise as she gazed at the startled villager who stared back at her blankly. She shook the fog from her head again, startled that she'd so easily fallen into her own mind.

"Lady Kagome, are you alright?" rasped the quiet voice of the village girl.

Kagome recognized her. The girl's name was Utako. She was a sweet girl, if a bit homely and slow. The sweetness factor aside, she was still annoyed that the girl asked her that particular question. Kagome scowled, shrinking inwardly at Utako's unconscious wince at her reaction. Everyone seemed to ask her that question lately. Utako waited patiently, looking up at Kagome with wide eyes. The effect of her expression was ruined by the fact that she was quite cross-eyed. It left Kagome feeling soberly disturbed and a bit remorseful for being so harsh to her. Then it occurred to her that the girl was waiting for her to answer her question.

"I'm..." Kagome began, her moth snapping shut as an idea crossed her mind.

Licking her lips in indecision, she touched the mark behind her ear lightly. Her eyes became muddied as she reflected over her choices. Ultimately, Utako could be trusted. She wasn't known for her intelligence. Kagome had probably told her not to call her Lady Kagome a bajillion times, maybe more. But the girl persisted and every time Kagome corrected her it was like she'd done it for the first time. There was little doubt in her mind that anything related to her this morning would promptly be forgotten in the afternoon.

"...I'm fine, Utako." She said breathlessly, eyeing the girl with a considering look, "Would you do me a favor?"

"Of course, Milady!" Utako replied eagerly, her rather plain face brightening with a lopsided smile.

Kagome frowned inwardly at the title but she held her tongue. There were more important things on her mind at the moment. With a heavy sigh, she smiled back with as much emotion as she could muster at the moment, which wasn't that much.

"I think I might have been wounded in the last battle but I can't see it. It's right behind my ear and I'm worried it might get infected. Could you check to see?" She said as slowly as possible, because Utako had a habit of getting confused if she went too fast.

Kagome could only pray that she would have to repeat her instructions once. Because with Utako, you could go over something fifty times and say it the same way each time, and she STILL wouldn't get it. Luck was on her side for once because the girl nodded with understanding almost immediately. Kagome bent down and titled her head, waiting patiently as Utako folded back her ear to look for her "wound".

"I don't see anything, Lady Kagome."

"Check by the hairline."

The girl did as she was told, lightly pushing back the hair to get a better look. At first, she saw nothing but then she spotted a faint dark spot hidden by the priestess's thick hair.

"I FOUND IT!" She exclaimed, plainly happy to have helped the priestess, "I can see it! Right where you said!"

For a few seconds there, Kagome had been overjoyed that Utako had found nothing. Three words took all her joy away. Her face paled and she had to clench her jaw to subdue the defeated sob that threatened to leave her lips. She didn't want to believe it...how could this be happening? Normally, she wouldn't have been so annoyed at Utako for something that was clearly not her fault. She was tired, grumpy, and her patience was at a premium, and Utako's blindingly stupid over- exuberance was NOT helping matters.

And everything was so confusing...she just...

Gathering what little composure she had left, she asked the one question she didn't want to in a soft, pleading tone, "Tell me...what shape is it?"

"Shape?...Huh?" the girl queried, tilting her head in confusion, as if she'd never been asked this question in her life.

"Yes, what shape. I need to know what shape it is."

"Why?"

"Because I do." Kagome seethed inwardly as she answered, closing her eyes in barely restrained annoyance, barely holding back her tears. Why in the world would Utako ask why! And at the thought, her ire became slightly more wrathful, and a dark voice ranted within her "What an absurd question! Obviously, I asked because I wanted to know, for God's sake! I don't have time for this..."

"What kind of shape?"

"Like a diamond. Can you see it or not?"

The girl didn't answer for a long time and Kagome could feel the muscles in her jaw twitch. She was so close to either completely blowing her top or bursting into tears that she felt the Gods ought to make her an honorary bosatsu for being so patient. But after a moment the question must have finally sunk in and the girl glanced back at the wound before answering.

"It's...it's like a star...like..." Utako paused for a beat, mulling over how to describe it exactly. After a bit, it came to her and she said hesitantly, "... it's kind of a twinkling shape...sort of like a diamond but pointier than that... It's very pretty.."

She didn't hear much after that as all the color drained from her cheeks. A feeling of cold dread overwhelmed her and it was all she could do to just lift herself from the ground. Her limbs felt heavy and useless, and her mouth had suddenly gone dry. Utako had noticed the sudden change in the priestess. Standing up, she gave the older girl a curious look. Kagome didn't see it. That feeling that she should be away took root again and she listlessly moved forward.

This can't be happening.

She paused for a moment and turned to Utako, giving the girl a meaningful look that was both weary and sad.

"Thank you." She whispered thickly and then she turned away.

Utako watched the priestess simply shuffle away with that horrible blank look on her face. And suddenly, she feared for the lady. Something seemed wrong and though she was only a simple village girl, she felt it she would be remiss if she didn't at least try to help the priestess with whatever troubled her.

"Priestess..." she said, moving forward as she spoke, "Priestess, are you certain you're alright?"

Again, Kagome paused but this time she didn't look back, "Yes. I'm fine...I'm just...Just tired, that's all. I'll be fine."

"If you're certain," Utako said, clearly quite uncertain herself and increasingly concerned about the priestess's odd behavior.

"I'm sure. No worries." Kagome replied, waving the girl off as she walked forward with purposeful strides.

She left the village girl far behind her. It was just as they'd said. Miroku and Sango had been right. He'd cursed her for reasons she wasn't sure of and whether it was inadvertent or on purpose, she was even less sure. Sesshoumaru's motives had always been damnedibly hard to sort out, even when they were clear.

...can't be happening...can't be happening...

...can't...be...

But this! This was just insanity! Again, she was hit by the paradox that she was human, and he was human hating demon, therefore no matter HOW wrong-headed he might be at the moment...HE WOULD NOT DO THAT TO HER! He couldn't. He shouldn't. He wouldn't even consider it. But he did and it irked her. Not only because it seemed severely out of character from what she knew of him but also because it was just damned arrogant. Just like a pushy demon to do this to her without even asking! It was upsetting and off-putting, and when no solution presented itself, she was only left with the empty question of why, a why which would have no immediate answer that made any kind of sense.

No, this ISN'T happening!

The only thing that did make sense was that perhaps, just perhaps Utako had been mistaken. It wasn't like she was the brightest bulb. In fact, she was as dumb as a bag of hammers. What was she thinking? Utako was in the running for village idiot, she only had a pair of brain cells to rub together and between the two of them they barely managed to keep the girl breathing. She'd said it was like a diamond but pointier than that. That didn't even make any sense at all! AND she'd sounded uncertain. The girl wouldn't know a diamond if it hit her in the face and said, "HEY! I'M A DIAMOND!"

Kagome stopped dead in her tracks and slapped herself in the head. She was SO stupid. Utako was obviously mistaken. As were Sango and Miroku. Sometimes it was so easy to get carried away in this era. She often forgot that they didn't know about the things she did. They didn't have the kind of deductive reasoning she had or the benefits of science born logic. All of this was a whole lot of superstitious nonsense. She wasn't a fully trained priestess but even she knew, somewhat, when a spell of some sort had been cast over her. Especially if it was youkai magic, she would have felt it for sure. The mark on her neck was merely coincidental. Conveniently forgetting that science and magic didn't even fit together in the same sentence because there was no logic in magic which was what made it magic after all.

Denial is a powerful thing. Especially when given enough vehement belief to back it up. Just because he had started some god-awful ritual, it didn't mean he was planning on completing it. Besides, they could all be overreacting. It wouldn't be the first time they'd gotten all worried over nothing. Kagome had gradually convinced herself that what was happening to her was nothing to be worried about. She ignored the signs and allowed herself to continue to believe a self-made lie. Her denials were a mantra against her fears of the truth. Despite the plain fact that she had been plagued by dreams of that afternoon. Despite the fact that she had a mark on her neck just like the one Sango described. Despite the fact that she could feel the strings of something tugging at her, the thrall of denial was just too strong.

She had been incredibly stubborn. It was a foolish thing for her to do. A stupid thing. A thing she wished she could change more than words could say.

Swallowing her fear, she'd bid Miroku and Sango goodbye. It had been hard to pretend to be normal but she'd managed it by a hair. The journey to Jinenji's was a relatively short one. Three days round trip. She was comforted by the fact that they'd be back soon. The only possible snag would be if Jinenji didn't have the herb they were looking for. Then the trip would take much longer. Kagome had been prepared for such a possibility but she hoped with all her heart that they wouldn't take much longer. Even if she didn't acknowledge it, her fear of what might happen in their absence was always on the surface.

Yet she repeated her lie in her mind, whispering over and over and over again, "You're just being paranoid, nothing is going to happen. Everything will be fine."

Watching the fire-cat and its two passengers leave, it had felt like a bit of her strength had left with them. She went through the rest of the day as normally as she could. Until she had to tend to Sesshoumaru, then her resolve had weakened and her worries resurfaced. She tamped them down, but it didn't stop her hands from shaking so badly that she couldn't even give him his injection. Kaede had noticed her discomfort and had taken over his care for that night, with her direction, of course. In the days that followed, Kaede would be the one she looked to for whatever strength she needed. That night, she'd patted Kagome on her head reassuringly as they left the daiyoukai in peace.

There was no shame in showing fear. No shame in being nervous.

The elderly priestess knew what troubled the young girl, but she'd said nothing. Kagome had almost wished she had, when looking back on things. But at the time, she'd basked in Kaede's calm, grandmotherly manner. It seemed to squash her fears and wash away her worries, making it much easier to deny the changes she felt in herself. She forgot her early horrible early morning realization with Utako and the strange emotions the daiyoukai evoked in her even now.

None of this stopped the dreams that followed. For the first three days that Miroku and Sango were gone, she woke every single morning sweat-soaked and panting. Not from nightmares. No, they were nothing like nightmares. They were much, much worse.

The dreams had started immediately after the cemetery incident and with every day that her friends were absent they'd gotten worse. At first, they were innocent dreams. Most times, he'd appear as that dog she'd seen in her meditation. They were usually in a wide, wild glade, nothing but endless flowers and sun-kissed sky. It seemed to appeal to the more canine aspect of his nature. Her dream-self seemed to enjoy it as well. It was peaceful and she'd seen nothing wrong with it.

At first.

Soon the dream became less like the imaginary space seen in during her meditation. It started to more closely resemble the actual afternoon of the cemetery incident. The change had crept in silently. In the beginning, he rarely came in human form but with the change, it became more and more common. So common that by the time Miroku and Sango had left, he often appeared in her dreams in human form. And with each of these newly changed dreams, the details of the afternoon in question subtly shifted.

It went from a carbon copy replay of that afternoon where he hauled her on his lap for no good reason to gradual levels of increasing intimacy. Soon he didn't just nuzzle her neck, he kissed it. Calming gestures became more sensual. And what was worse, was that she reciprocated those gestures. In fact, her dream-self responded with an absurd amount of acceptance to his touch. Dream-Kagome was far more willing and less afraid than the one that woke up every morning, trying to convince herself that these dreams were nightmares.

Her dream-self's acceptance had transformed into need. Need became desire and soon, that desire became less apart of the dream and more apart of reality. It had become more and more difficult to tend to him with any sense of reserve. She had to force herself not to touch him unnecessarily and it frightened her. Her denials were becoming harder and harder to hold up, and the rising fear within her was harder and harder to quell.

She tried to shut him out, shut the dreams out, to no avail. Whenever she tried to shield her mind, she could feel something, a force pawing outside the walls like a dog begging to be let in. But the thing that scared her, was that she couldn't resist it. She couldn't keep up the shield, she'd let it down and allow the strange force in every single time. She tried to play dumb, tried anything to deny what was happening, but she knew. She knew who was invading her mind and she didn't mind. She should but she didn't and it scared her.

Something wasn't right. Something was very, very wrong with her but she was too afraid to ask for help. Truth was, Kagome was just plain afraid and she wasn't sure what was worse, knowing what this curse might do or not knowing...and wondering if the nightmares she kept having were somehow apart of that.

What made things even worse was her very fertile imagination that came up with far too many gruesome scenarios for her poor brain to handle. She was well on her way to becoming a nervous wreck, if she wasn't one already. Either way, she hoped someone wrote a folk ballad for her. It'd be nice to be remembered after she sunk.

Kaede had to take over her duties because she was terrified beyond reason of what would happen if she didn't. Curse or no curse. Ritual or no ritual. She didn't want to be anywhere near him if he decided to complete whatever it was he started. Despite her precautions, she didn't acknowledge her dread and the sure knowledge that some terrible, unknown thing would happen.

In the end, she didn't know how right she was.

Something terrible did happen.

Something she wished to take back but never would, because despite the consequences, the terrible things that happened to her all those years ago had led to something wonderful. Something she'd never in a million years take back. No matter how much the pain of the events that followed hurt her.