Of boys and men

Chapter 6

Tensions were high after our encounter. Sesshoumaru shone with a masculine brilliance. An unsettling mix of power and superiority. In training the next time, he had beaten me. Badly. He didn’t stop at just dodging my attacks and forcing me to stumble around like a fool, but he attacked. Only with hand to hand combat, but still. I guess I had crossed a line in my aggressive move towards him, and now the rules were different. If I wasn’t going to play nice, then he wouldn’t either. I was pretty bloodied up by the end. Lying on the ground I watched his figure disappear into the sunset. Again. How many times have I seen it like that? Wilat sat shadow ever be me, walking away from some filthy little failure?
That night when I dragged myself back to the house and collapsed into the bed for some much needed rest, I was pounced upon immediately by the “sleeping” Sesshoumaru.sighsighed, resignedly and just laid there. If he wasn’t finished beating the crap out of me, I was at least going to sleep through the rest of it. When did I become so unresponsive? Oh god, I’m turning into him. But he didn’t beat me. He looked right into my eyes and held me pinned by the shoulder with one hand, (there was really no need, I wasn’t going anywhere) while he used the other to unbutton my tattered shirt. I looked at him confused. I thought he said this was over. I reache to to touch his cold face, something I had always wanted to do, and before I could close the distance I felt a sharp pain as a drop of poison fell onto my hand. I quickly withdrew. Then I remembered his words from the other day and understood. I was not to touch him, but he could do as he pleased.

I think he followed my train of thought because he looked right at me and said, “The victor in any battle can take whatever he wants, from your body to your life to your soul to your pride. This is why weak little children like you are such a curse. If you have anything at all to protect, you must never lose in battle. And also, if you’re going to be weak, it’s just better not to have anything to lose.”

The rare little speech had given me quite a glimpse into his mind. Did he really live according to such impossible standards? I knew what he said was true; victors take all, that’s the idea of power. Yet, how many times had I been defeated, yet spared by him? I couldn’t imagine then the idea of never accepting defeat, although now, it’s the only way for me to live. What did he have to protect anyway? He cared for no one. I guess his pride, his status. It was the only thing I could think of. Yet, what does pride really matter if you don’t care what anyone thinks of you. I didn’t understand his ways, and I felt sorry for him at that moment. Of course, there must have been a time when Sesshoumaru was weak, just like me. The whole thing just drove me forward. I must learn to become the predator, the victor. I didn’t understand why Sesshoumaru needed it, and I didn’t understand why I wanted it, that power. I do, however, remembering longing for it. Sesshoumaru’s hands on my side and mouth on my neck quickly drew me back from my musings and into the position I was in.

During sex, all those things I had stifled out to be more like Sesshoumaru came back: the yelling, the ignorance, the human nature, probably because it was such a human act to me. He never responded to any of it. Finally, I was able to slowly phase out all of the madness. B bea beaten, insulted, fucked, day after day, for over a year. It had made me into him, a weaker version of him. And all I saw was the power. I wanted it for myself. The feeling of control.

The more I became like him, the better we got along. We could talk of more things: fighting techniques, meditation, politics. tha that time, a band of snake youkai had made their way into the Western Lands. They were fierce demons and I fought alongside my brother. It didn’t change the unvarying struggle between us. I accepted it fully, knowing it was fair. If I could not defend myself in battle against him, I would be beaten and taken. The lessons he taught me then have come back to haunt him time and again. He should have known better. He should have realized that there can’t be two men who accept no defeat and defend their pride to the bitter end. There can’t be two strongest demons in the world and there can’t be two Sesshoumarus.
One day, my 17th birthday to be precise, sparring out in the forest, Sesshoumaru and I were having an unusually heated battle. I was keeping up with him, blow for blow. I was happy with my progress of late, my speed had increased tremendously. I had been learning how to flow, to move like water. I had always thought maybe increasing my speed enough would one day allow me to surprise him and win. I was wrong. I tried a quick maneuver to end the hand to hand combat and sneak ehinehind him. He saw through it and swiped in quickly, grabbing my hand and locking my fingers with his. My arm snapped back and I wasn’t going anywhere. I planted my feet firmly on the ground and I grabbed for his other hand to keep my left side from being exposed. There we stood; hands locked together, knees bent. This had quickly become a matter of strength, not speed. I glared at him and he stared back at me, expressionless—confident. He pushed me forward and I retaliated. I burned inside, and at that precise moment, I wanted nothing but strength. Victory. Right then, I wanted it, needed it, more than him. My eyes flashed red for a second, and pushed back hard. His knees began to bend further. I dug deep into my soul and threw my strength into my hands. Sesshoumaru toppled backwards and his back hit the ground with a thud. I followed, falling onto his chest. I recovered more quickly and shot my claws up to the side of his neck and held them there in warning. I had overpowered Sesshoumaru. I had won. I was shocked. The whole world had been turned upside down. Sesshoumaru had been defeated. I had won. And he looked up at me, expressionless as ever. I got up, brushed myself off and walked into the horizon, towards the inner depths of the forest. I hoped to god he was watching, watching my shadow saunter away. My insides screamed with joy. I ran around the forest for hours killing things, trying to calm down. Finally, I decided to return to the house.
There I found him sitting on the bed. I wondered how he was feeling and felt almost guilty. I was a strange mix, the caring for Sesshoumaru and the soul-swallowing, life-encompassing desire to become stronger than him. His world must be broken, but looking at him you wouldn’t be able to discern whether or not he were even alive, or just a statue, let alone feg emg emotions.
He stood up when I entered and turned around to face the wall. A quick whip of his hand swept the sash out of his clothing. He put his hands to the wall as his clothes piled up on the floor leaving him bare naked. He bent his head down between his hands, causing his silver hair to fall out of place, straight down towards the floor. The sight of him before me really had me going. He looked so vulnerable and I was excited. More than excited. The situation gave me the strangest feeling of déjà vu, and then I rberebered why. I felt the edges of time blurring. His position, exactly like that first night between us. Only, this time, I was him, what I had been reaching for all this time. Then, his words came back to me.

“When you can defeat me, you can take me.”

The full gravity of the situation hit me then. I had to be strong now, I had to be callous now. I had to dominate now. Five years I had waited for this chance to be in control. I had never been in control around him. I couldn’ts ths this up. ok aok a step closer to him, and then hesitated. He seemed so calm. I was afraid his calm demeanor would somehow take away from my moment, cheapen it. I was afraid it would be like all the other encounters, ending with his cold, indifferent face as though nothing had happened.
I was mistaken. I approached closer and put my hands on his arms, only to find that he was trembling. Shaking terribly. No, that night would not be like all the other nights. I ran my hands greedily over his muscled torso, inhaling deeply. I had waited so long for this freedom, to do as I please. I hadn’t known that he’d been waiting too, waiting for a different type of freedom.
He had chosen the position, against the wall, and I resented that. I thrust my hand into his hair and pulled on it.

“On the bed,” I commanded him.

He moved for it slowly, entirely too slowly for me, with the heat I was feeling. I kicked him in the back and he heaved forward and fell, rather gracelessly on the bed. He lay face down, defeated. But I wanted to see that face, I wanted to see fear there. I straddled him.

“Face me.”

He rolled over underneath me and stared up at me. I underestimated him. Although his body shook, his eyes did not fail him yet, they were cold and steely still. I vowed to change that. I grabbed his wrists and crossed them above his head.

“Leave them there.”

I then bent down and dragged my tongue along the muscles of his chest. I brought it to a nipple and lapped at it gently. Then sucked gently at first, which quickly escalated into forceful sucking and light biting. I did the same to its neighbor, and I heard his breathing quicken. It was so different to be on top of him, forcing reactions in him, while maintaining my own control. Quick breathing wasn’t near enough to satisfy me. I dragged my tongue downwards, to the area between his legs. I blew on his cock and he hissed. I licked the tip and he groaned. When I brought his length into my mouth he convulsed violently back and forth. He was losing it. The sight of Sesshoumaru thrashing around in passion—his eyes partially closed and mouth slightly agape, in agony–was unbelievably arousing and I had to have him then. I grabbed his hair again and let him back to the wall. I no longer despised the position, because now it was of my choosing. I wanted him to feel exactly as I had that night. I undid my robe at the front, just like he had, and entered him. He was in pain I knew, but made no noise. Pain was easy for him to take, pleasure was what he feared would make him lose his cool. When I started thrusting into him, there are no words to describe what I felt. I felt like the strongest man a. T. The pleasure was so intense I had to be careful not to come too soon, which really would have ruined my whole dominating, masculine, Sesshoumaru feeling I wanted to grasp. I ran my hands all over him as I fucked him. At one point I even turned his head towards me and kissed him hard on the mouth, something we had never done before. He seemed a little startled and I explored his mouth at my leisure. I grabbed his hair again (why had I enjoyed doing that so much?) and forced him to deepen the kiss. I shoved his head away when I was satisfied and turned my concentration back to the thrusting. I knew I had hit Sesshoumaru’s spot when he tightened around me and pushed his palms against the wall with all his might, letting out a moan. He hadn’t settled for one back then and neither would I now. I would have him scream for me. I started antagonizing him between thrusts for some reason; maybe to distract myself from the pleasure, I didn’t want to finish just yet.

“Are you proud of me, ni-chan?”

“Am I the brother you always wanted?”

“How does it feel, to lose everything?”

He was ry iny in a sorry state at this point—panting, shaking, groaning, struggling—and I knew that if I could hit that spot just one more time, I would have him. I slammed into him and grabbed his shoulders, holding myself there for a moment. I withdrew almost all the way, and then quickly went in to the hilt. I got him. He screamed loudly. I ordered him to scream my name as I went in for one final thrust. And he did. Unable to deny me any longer, he actually did. He screamed “Inuyasha” and upon hearing it I came right along with him. I withdrew and he fell to his knees. After a moment, he reached for his clothes. I stepped on his hand.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I barked. “The victor takes whatever he wants right? I never said I was through with you.”

I don’t know how many times I took him that night, probably somewhere between seven and ten. As many as my body would allow me. I forced him to scream over and over. I took all of his pride and all of his control. I never realized that he had been waiting for it. For hundreds of years. The freedom to realize defeat. The freedom to stop fighting for a moment. To not have to defend himself. To be completely and utterly dominated by someone else. I had unlocked his prison, if only for that one night. I had given him the freedom to scream in pleasure, to quake in fear, the fear of losing control, to sigh once he realized it was gone, and to give into me, to give in completely, without holding back. I had inadvertently given him a gift that he would never forget. Right after the very last time I took him that night, while I was still inside of him, he turned his head towards me, his eyes full of passion and concern, and his hair clinging to his face, his breaths coming quickly. He looked at me and I remember the exact way he said it, to this day:

“I love you.”

Had he been testing me? Had he been trying to regain control of the situation? The man not prone to repeating himself looked into my eyes again, pleadingly, and said,

“I love you.”

Confused about his motives, I never considered was he was saying, only the fact that I couldn’t let him win after everything we had just gone through. I couldn’t revert back to what I was. He made me this way, he had made me callous and fearful of losing control, just like he was, and he could deal with the consequences of his actions.

“I love fucking you,” I replied gruffly, with ice in my voice.

The passion in his eyes crept away, they reverted back to how they had been all the years preceding this night, and he turned his face away from me.

When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. In his place on the bed was a small slip of white paper which read “Shikon no Tama”. On the back was written, “I will not rival you for it. Goodbye brother

Shikon no tama...
He had led me towards my destiny. I craved the jewel, I craved the power. I still do. 70 years. 70 years had passed and only now, on this worst day of my brother's life, do I consider what he said. He loved me. Well, then at least. Had I loved him? It didn't matter. Love was something I wasn't interested in. It was a gateway to weakness, a loss of control. I had stolen his life, his sense of purpose, his identity. I wonder how he felt about me now.

"Inuyasha?” a voice islingling, taking me from my thoughts.

The group had awakened.

"Yes, what is it that you want, Kagome?"

"Well, you were just staring off into space for the past ten minutes and just now, well, you really don't seem like yourself."

Oh. That's right; I always act like a loud idiot around the humans. They draw the human out of me, strain it from my soul. I despise them for it, yet have grown to care for them somehow. The thought of the youkai lord reminds me, of what I want to be. I would obtain the jewel, even if it makes me a heartless beast that might kill my own friends.

These humans, by hanging around are are sealing their own fate. They attempt to make me weak with emotions. Over time, I have warmed up to them, which is too bad, because in the end, I know I would forsake them to fulfill my own desires, just like I had
done to him. It's maddening really. I want power, control above all. If I had control, my mother wouldn't have died. If I had control, I would never be a hanyou, I would never have had to witness his shadow disappear, from the forest floor. Caring about people, things, makes me weak, yet if I didn't care, what would be the point of control? The old argument banged around in my head once again. To use the jewel, or not to use the jewel. To choose power, or having something to protect it with. Life the way Sesshoumaru had taught me to live it, was a pointless, spiraling hopelessness.

I sniff the air. He’s still here.

"Excuse me, Kagome; I have something to take care of."

I get up, brush off, and head into the depths of the forest. The confrontation was inevitable, because of his words.

“I don’t deserve to remember what I lost then on top of what I’ve lost now.”

Sesshoumaru had spoken of it, abstractly or not. Spoken of the time that we lived together, which had been forgotten and never mentioned since that last night. We both pretended that nothing at all had happened. Now, it’s out there.

I come upon him quickly, his scent strong. I know my crew is following me, watching me. I was acting unlike myself at camp, and I guess are curious. They really can be fools sometimes, they know how keen my senses are, yet truly believe they're being
stealthy. I don’t care. I shouldn't care what humans think anyway. My memories of my brother had reminded me of that fact which I had forgotten too much lately.

I come to a clearing and there he is, waiting for me. The wind is blowing his hair and clothes all around him. His eyes burn intensely. He ivisivision.