Blood Stained

 

Blood Stained

Chapter 58: Unleashing the Past

 

A cold breeze was blowing through the darkness of the forest as the moon shone brightly in the black sky.  The stars were missing and the moonlight wasn’t enough to light up the path of dirt she was currently following.  Her feet were dragging across the ground as she rubbed her hands against the skin of her arms, trying to warm herself up.

 

The coldness of the night was enough to cause her to shiver, as she glanced around, desperately trying to find something familiar.  Somehow, the scene seemed familiar, but she couldn’t remember why.   All she knew was that it was giving her a bad feeling and it was freaking her out.

 

The only thing that could be heard in the quietness of the night was her footsteps, as she couldn’t stop herself from becoming more and more paranoid.  Her memory was failing her, she could not recall why she was in the middle of the forest.  Her heart was pulsing through her chest so harshly, it almost brought her pain.

 

“It’s too late.”

 

She was helpless in preventing herself from jumping in fear as she heard the angry voice echo through the emptiness of the forest.  Immediately, she snapped her head in the direction of the voice, only to see a silhouette standing near a big tree.

 

“It’s too late for him.”

 

She frowned in confusion, trying to understand what he was referring to.  She was about to ask, when she followed his line of sight.  Her gaze went lower until she met what appeared to be a grave.  Without knowing why, her feet guided her closer to the stranger in the tomb, never making an attempt to stop herself.

 

As soon as she reached the grave, she dropped to her knees, her heart ready to explode into a million pieces within her chest.  She gently licked her dry lips, her vision becoming blurry as tears began to form in her eyes.  She didn’t know this person since there was nothing on the grave, yet she felt a pain that was strong enough to destroy her.

 

As her bottom lip began to quiver, she heard the stranger coming closer to her, but she made no attempt to move.

 

“I could have avoided this.”

 

She found herself shaking her head, as if she knew what he was talking about.  “Not at that point.  One of you would have died.”

 

“Not if I hadn’t laid a hand on you.”

 

“He kissed me.  He was mine.”

 

Her words didn’t follow his, but she had blurted them out anyway.  “I had wished for him for so long.  He was mine, I was happy.”

 

“I wanted you to be mine.  Not his.  Never his.”

 

She closed her eyes, causing more tears to slide down her cheeks before taking a deep breath.  “I hated you, but you freed me.  That day, I lost him and I gained my freedom.  His death was my way out.”

 

The memories were blurry, she wasn’t even sure she knew what she was talking about.  Who was he?  Why was she so grateful yet so sad?

 

He had saved her.  His stubbornness, the way he never gave up on her, it was the only reason why she was free.  She had never meant for him to die, especially not for her; she was not worth it.  Her life didn’t mean that much.

 

Though, it did mean he loved her.  Maybe if she could have looked past the incident, then maybe she could have saved him.  She didn’t care if the stranger blamed himself, because in her mind, she was the one who had wronged.

 

“I’ll never forget him.”

 

She had been so mad at him before his death, yet losing him had made her regret all the fights.  It was so pointless to waste time being angry.  All it did was take away the time you could have spent on happy moments.  If she had been happy with him instead of full of rage, then perhaps, his death wouldn’t have been as sad.

 

Now forever, she would live with the fact that she could never apologize.

 

Anger only made people bittersweet.  Anger only ruined life.  Anger only took away the pureness of people’s hearts.

 

Anger never solved anything.  You could spend yourself wishing revenge, wishing death, but it would never make you happy.  Holding on to unhappy feelings only corrupted the soul.

 

“I won’t forget.  I can’t forgive myself.  But I cannot forgive him either.”

 

His brother should have known that it was a life decision.  Kill or be killed.  It would have been impossible to stop the situation from happening.  Yet, perhaps if he had been able to control himself, he would have never had to kill his brother.  His pride was telling him that he had made the right choice, but his brain was not as convinced.

 

There were many things that would bring him guilt for the rest of his life, things he would never forgive himself for, and that was one of them.  She was the other.

 

He knew her.  He loved her smile.  She was pure blinding light.

 

How did he know?  It was a mystery.  The only thing he was sure of was that he had hurt that angel, when she was the best thing anyone could hope for.  A smile on her face was the only thing he wanted, even if it was to cost him his own life.  He was damaged, and so was his past, though he wished to erase it all, he couldn’t.

 

Out of all the pain and misery, one good thing had happened.

 

He had met her.

A stubborn girl, who transformed everyone she crossed paths with.  He thought he was different from the rest of the world, that no one could influence him.  If Rin hadn’t been proof enough, shewas, His heart wasn’t as hard as he thought, and perhaps, the layer of stone could be melted after all.

 

He could not help but drop to his knees as well, joining her by the grave.  His fingers quickly found their way to her, before they both knew it, their fingers were intertwined.  His heart nearly skipped a beat as the coldness of her skin reacted against his warm flesh.

 

He wanted to bring her warmth, and joy.  He wanted to be the place she called home.

 

But she wasn’t his, or at least, she didn’t feel as if she was.  Everything he did should cause her to slip through his fingers.  Yet through it all, he wanted nothing more than to hold on.

 

And he would.  For as long, as she would let him.

 

His grasp on her was weakening, causing him to almost go into a state of panic.  It was at that moment that his eyes snapped open, he almost gasped for air.  Quickly his arms dropped to his side, while hers limpidly fell upon her legs.

 

Sesshomaru thought she was just slowly coming out of the trance, but he then noticed the blood trailing down from her nose and once again, anxiety washed over him.  Quickly he wrapped his arms around her body and shook her softly as if to bring her back.

 

When her body remained lifeless, his began to shake a bit.  Could it be that he broke the connection and that she was stuck?  No.  He refused to believe he had done yet another thing to bring her harm.  His tongue ran over his dry lips as he once again attempted to shake her.

 

The amount of blood leaking from her nose had decreased, it did nothing to calm him down.  Gently, he ran his fingers through her hair, as if to soothe her, even though she was unconscious and did not require comfort.  Perhaps he was mostly doing it for himself and for his own state of mind.

 

As he was about to lose his mind, her eyes slowly opened, bringing him relief.  He rested her head on his lap, waiting for her to completely come to consciousness.  The peachy color of her skin slowly came back as her grey eyes were completely opened.  Sesshomaru watched as she glanced around the room in confusion, as he still ran his fingers through her soft locks.

 

He had strongly believed that he had lost her.

 

His heart was still trying to slow down as he watched her sit up in the bed, blinking more than usual.  Her lips were glued together, as if she was trying to find the right question to ask, but just couldn’t find the words.  It was as he watched her face carefully that it dawned upon him; she couldn’t remember what had just occurred.

 

Sesshomaru felt his heart sink, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of regret, or relief.  Did he not want her to remember the death of his brother?  Or rather, his murder?

 

No, he didn’t.

 

Perhaps it was out of his own selfishness, but he didn’t want her to be reminded of that.  After all, he had done so many wrong things to her, she was already struggling to forget.  He didn’t want to give her more reasons to hate him.

 

He felt disgusted for thinking that way, but he could not help himself.

 

-B-

 

The rays of the sun were burning his eyes as he stared ahead into the distance.  Once again, he had found himself deprived of any kind of sleep.  However, this time it was for two different reasons.  The first one had been the events of the previous night.   In a way he felt relieved that she didn’t remember the connection, but somehow he also felt plagued by being the only one who could recall it.

 

The other thing that kept him awake was that the passionate dream he had, as predicted by Kouga, didn’t come as a single dream.  He had once again been haunted by it, and he hadn’t been able to find rest again afterwards.  The only positive side was that he hadn’t woken Kagome up like the previous time.  After the exhausting connection from the previous night, he was glad she was still asleep.

 

His eyes were burning, his body was exhausted.  Yet, all he could do was look out the window, completely hopeless.

 

He had been strong, he had been different.  Now, a mere dream of her was enough to bring out all of his weaknesses.  There was something about her, but he knew that since the day he met her.  Of course, back then, he believed that the something only made her more of a nuisance, more annoying, but he now knew differently.

 

There was nobody else like her.

 

He ran his hand over his face, covering up a sigh.  How could he become so infatuated?  It was not in his nature, it was not like him.  By this point, there was no denying the way he felt, but the fact was, this was completely new for him.  Already he was not familiar with the whole dating scene, but on top of that, they shared a horrible history.

 

If Kagome had been anyone else, she wouldn’t have followed him around the world.

 

Anyone else wouldn’t have cared for the fate of the world, or their duty.  Their own desires would have been first, but Kagome was not selfish.  Even though it made her sick to accompany him, she did it.  Somewhere along the way, she had even found it in her heart to forgive him, allowing them some type of relationship.

 

It worried him though.

 

What if they became closer, but somewhere along the way, she became scared?  He would never stop her from running away.  He would allow her to leave if she wanted to.  The problem was, he knew that would hurt more than anything else.  Of course, he would deserve the pain, but nonetheless.

 

She was becoming too addictive.

 

And now, there was also their son.

 

Sesshomaru remembered that Kiyoshi had desired a bond between them, before his birth, but now he wasn’t sure his son wanted such a thing.  Kiyoshi was extremely protective of Kagome, not that it could be blamed.  After all, Kiyoshi had put himself into danger before being born, just to save his mother.

 

After all the sacrifices she had made for him, it was normal that his love for his mother was without limit.  Sesshomaru felt no jealousy, but only regrets.  It was his fault that Kagome found herself in such a situation, and it was his fault that his son had to risk his life.  If he hadn’t done the mistakes he had in the past, none of it would have happened.

 

Of course, dwelling upon the past would not erase it, hence why they had to be moving forward.  For everyone’s sake, he would remain in the past tormented by his mistakes, but he knew it would not help her.  Everything he had done, though.  He would never forget, he would never forgive himself.

 

He pulled himself away from the window and sat down on the nearest chair, before running his fingers through his hair.  His eyes lingered on her still form in the bed, as a sigh escaped his lips.  He was overwhelmed by rare feelings, his stomach felt twisted in knots.

 

Time was running out.

 

Soon enough, they would probably be able to resume their search for the last shard, which would mean they would return to Japan.  After all they didn’t need to remain in Brazil just for her to purify the jewel, with Kiyoshi now present, it would be better to provide him the safest environment of being home.

 

However, when such things would happen, it would also mean that Kagome would return to the shrine, he would return to his own house.  He did intend on moving closer to her, but it wouldn’t change that their situation would be very different.  Plus, he wouldn’t appropriate enough to see her mother.  He had no right to stand in front of her and claim he would take care of Kagome.

 

She would have every reason to doubt his words.

 

He was afraid.

 

Him.  He was afraid.

 

Afraid that once they would return, she would completely slip from his fingers.  She would return to her sense and he would lose her.  He didn’t even have her right now, but, she was in his life, trying to be with him.

 

He’d lose that too.

 

In the past, he never knew how lucky he was to have her, but now he knew his chance, he wasn’t sure he could lose her for a second time.  He would never stop her from leaving of course, but this time around, it would probably do much more damage than the first time she left.

 

After so many years, he knew what all these people saw in her.

 

Suddenly, his thoughts were broken by the sound of a small cry, causing him to snap his head in that direction.  Kiyoshi.  It seemed he was upset by something, yet strangely enough he wasn’t making that much noise, as if not to disturb Kagome. Sesshomaru agreed with that logic, knowing she needed as much rest as she could get.

 

He rose to his feet and rushed to the crib.  Sesshomaru still didn’t have much experience holding his son, but he knew he could do this.  Slowly, he picked up Kiyoshi bringing him close to his chest.  Sesshomaru could only assume that his son was hungry, since Kiyoshi would usually remain still until his mother would wake up.

 

Unfortunately, he could not breastfeed his son like Kagome could.  He did know however that she kept milk bottles that he could heat up.   A tingle of stress traveled through his body as he headed for the kitchen.  Not too long ago, he held his son for the first time and now he was tending to his needs for the first time.

 

He would never say it aloud, though he was sure his son could tell, but he was nervous.  He was not made to be a family man, he had no experience in that area. It didn’t come to him as naturally as it did to Kagome.  She was a natural at almost everything she did.  His son was lucky to have such a mother to protect him.

 

While holding Kiyoshi securely with one arm, he opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle.  He was so busy preparing everything, while making sure he didn’t drop his son that he failed to notice Kiyoshi had quieted down.  Kiyoshi’s amber eyes were locked on his father, observing his every movement.

 

Meanwhile, in the other room Kagome was slowly sitting up in the bed, as she was waking up.  Something inside her had made her feel uneasy, she couldn’t figure out what it was, hence why she had woken up.  She glanced around, looking from the crib to the other bed, only to find she was completely alone in the room, both men gone.

 

She kicked the blankets off her with her feet, before running a hand through her locks.  She blinked a few times, her confusion washing away, as she pressed her feet against the cold floor, before heading to the bathroom.  Kagome felt no worry, assuming that if Kiyoshi and Sesshomaru were both missing, it meant they were both together.

 

She pushed the door of the bathroom opened with her palm, prior to stumbling inside the room.  The face she could see in the mirror wasn’t one she liked and she sighed.  Things had been going decently well lately, yet, she looked like a complete train wreck.  The dark circles under her eyes had not gone away, her eyes still appeared to be bloodshot.

 

Before now, she hadn’t really paid much attention, but since she was now apparently in some sort of dating loop, her appearance came to her mind a few times.  Of course, Sesshomaru had seen her in much worse of a state, meaning that it shouldn’t matter how she looked.

 

Every day, she grew more nervous and more relax at the same time.  She enjoyed being more comfortable around Sesshomaru since it made the whole ambiance easier, it lightened a weight off her shoulders.  However, she still felt stress since the whole idea of a relationship, of being with someone was completely terrifying.

 

She turned on the water, before splashing her face, hoping it would wake her up a bit.  She had begun feeling extremely drained again, which was strange considering that she was closer to Sesshomaru now then ever.  A long sigh escaped her lips as she bit on her bottom lip, glancing one last time at her reflection in the mirror.

 

It was then that she noticed a little bit of blood on her nose.

 

Slowly, she attempted to remember what had happened, but her memory was fuzzy.  Kagome frowned at the fact she could not recall the end of the previous night.  Had something happen?  Quickly she ran her fingers over her nose, removing the blood, before heading for the kitchen, where she hoped to find Sesshomaru, along with some answers.

 

Her footsteps were loud, mostly because she was dragging her body since she felt so tired, but then, before she could reach the doorway, she stopped in her tracks.  It was the only reaction she could have to the scene displayed in front of her.  Her chest heaved as she breathed heavily, her eyes locked on Sesshomaru and Kiyoshi.

 

A part of her had always assumed that Sesshomaru would be too scared to ever actually be close to Kiyoshi out of his own efforts, but apparently he wished to prove her wrong.  Her stomach had butterflies as she watched him hold their son carefully in his arms, holding the bottle to Kiyoshi’s mouth.  Sesshomaru’s green eyes were shining with a light she did not know, as he could not tear them away from the little bundle of joy he was holding.

 

Those were the things he did that completely threw her off balance.  There were so many different Sesshomaru’s hiding inside of him, and once in a while, a new one appeared, and melted her from within.  She still remembered everything, she knew who he used to be.  But she also was beginning to understand who he was.  But most of it all, he wasn’t as scary as he used to be.

 

Kagome decided on leaving them to have their moment, was about to turn around and leave, when it seemed that Sesshomaru noticed her presence.  He lifted his head and their eyes met.  A blush suddenly appeared across her cheeks, and it took everything for her to not look away.  After all, she hadn’t been spying on him or anything, meaning there was no reason for her to be ashamed, or look away.

 

“Hey,” she said, taking a step closer to him, her hands behind her back.

 

He offered her a nod, before uncomfortably looking back at his son again.  He didn’t expect her to wake up so soon, or to find him like this, not that he was ashamed of his situation.  Perhaps he just didn’t want to see her yet because of what had occurred during the connection.

 

Kagome didn’t want to disrupt the moment with questions, thus she sat down on a chair, deciding it would be better to wait.  Her heart was pounding in her chest, she felt nervousness take over.  Why wouldn’t she be comfortable in his presence?  After everything there was no reason why she shouldn’t be calm.

 

The minutes ticked away and once Sesshomaru was done feeding Kiyoshi, he brought him back to his crib, knowing that once he put his son to sleep, he would have to return to Kagome’s side and talk.  It was obvious from the look in her eyes that she had something bothering her.

 

Once he tucked in Kiyoshi, he headed for the kitchen, running his fingers through his hair.  It was getting long since he hadn’t kept it up ever since meeting up with her in the modern time.  Truth was, he believed it was better if he kept his hair short, since it was making a bigger distinction between the him now and the him of the past.  He liked to believe that this made it easier for her to be around him.

 

“Are you hungry?” he inquired as soon as he stepped into the kitchen.

 

She shook her head softly and he nodded back before joining her at the table.  There was an unnecessary awkwardness between them and she didn’t like it, hence why she decided to break it.

 

“What happened last night?”

 

Sesshomaru watched her tilt her head to the side, waiting for his answer.  

 

“The connection?”

 

She knitted her eyebrows together, as if trying to remember what he was referring to, when it dawned upon her.  How could she have forgotten that they had tried to do the connection the previous night?  Actually, from his words, they had not just tried, they had done it.  Then why was it impossible for her to remember?

 

“You blacked out.”  He wasn’t sure it was what happened, but it was the closest description.  “You didn’t come out of it right away.”

 

Kagome pinched her lips together, trying her best to recall the events that had happened, but it was to no avail.

 

“Do you remember it?  The connection?”

 

It was the part he had wanted to avoid, it was the words he didn’t want to say, but she left him no choice.  He would stick by the same rules he always had, meaning he wouldn’t lie to her.  It was bothering him because they could not make progress without facing the past, but the past could be the very reason why they would never get anywhere.

 

But he could not be selfish.

 

“It was about Inuyasha’s death.”

 

His words shook her whole body, for a second she found herself petrified.  Her heart began to hammer in her chest so intensely it hurt.  She ran her tongue over her lips, as if there was nothing else she could do, her mind was a complete blank.

 

Inuyasha.

 

She had never forgotten about him.  Granted she hadn’t thought about him as much lately, but with everything that had happened, it had been difficult to even allow herself time to think.  His death however, was still a vivid image that she could easily recall.  Death, or murder, which was the proper word?

 

It almost made sense that she couldn’t remember.  Had it been too much to handle, especially right now when everything was so stressful?  Kagome pulled herself out of her thoughts and glanced into Sesshomaru’s eyes.  She could tell that he was desperately waiting for her to say something, but she couldn’t.

 

To be honest, Inuyasha’s death could only be added to the pile of problems they had.  Though, hadn’t she decided to not let anything else get in the way?  If they kept bringing things up, they would never move forward.  But could some things ever be forgotten?  It was the one question always in her mind.

 

However, now she could not think about that.  She had inquired about the connection, Sesshomaru had truthfully answered; she could not leave him hanging.

 

“I miss him.”

 

If they were going to be honest, then she couldn’t hide her feelings.  Sesshomaru nodded to her revelation.  He could not say he missed his brother, after all, they were never close, but he did regret the way things ended.

 

“Trying to think about it and remembering it.  It feels like it was a life time ago.”

Since the rush of everything, how her life had been spun around, it felt like what had happened in the Feudal Era was nothing more than a bad dream now.  Yet it pulsed through her like reality.  She knew it had happened, but perhaps she wished so hard that it didn’t, that sometimes her mind was playing tricks on her.

 

“Another life,” he added, trying to glance into her eyes.

 

Kagome bit into her top lip, peering down at her hands that were resting on her laps. “You know, I think that what he really wanted was a family.  Before…everything, I don’t think he hated you.  He just wanted you to accept him.”

 

“Things were different back then.”  His answer came quicker than he wanted or expected.

 

Sesshomaru had been well aware that Inuyasha had spent most of his life alone after his mother died.  But then again, so had Sesshomaru.  After their father had died for the hanyou’s sake, Sesshomaru had been on his own since his mother had never been a big part of his life.  If he had made it fine on his own, so should have Inuyasha.

 

In the past, he never understood why the hanyou thought he deserved special treatment.  Kill, or be killed.  There was no kind hearts in the world, nobody ready to sacrifice themselves for you.

 

Well, except her.

 

“I suppose they were,” she said, finally looking up.  “We can’t run from it though.  The past is the past and unless you accept that, nothing will ever change.”

 

She almost felt like a liar since she should be taking her own advice, but it was hard to do so.  Nonetheless, she was giving this a try, which should mean that she was attempting to move on.

 

“Do you ever think about him?”

 

Kagome was aware that perhaps she shouldn’t have asked, that it wasn’t any of her business, but sometimes she was too curious for her own good.  That, or she needed to know he felt regret.  She already knew Sesshomaru was always feeling guilty, but it was as if she wanted to make sure.  No it wasn’t fair to him, no he shouldn’t have to prove himself but…

 

She couldn’t be good all the time.  She had her pain and sufferings like the rest of the world and sometimes, she needed to be reassured.

 

“There are many things I regret from the past.”  He paused, taking a deep breath.  “It is one of them.  It was hard to avoid it when it happened.  Someone would have lost their life.”

 

“Things would be very different right now if it had been you instead of him.”

 

Better?  She didn’t know.  She was so broken back then, beyond repair.  If Sesshomaru had died, she would have lived her whole life with all the pain and anger, carrying it within her.  She wasn’t glad that Inuyasha was dead, never would she be, but having met Sesshomaru in the modern era, seeing him differently had helped her greatly.

 

“If such things had not occurred, I would never have found out why my beast found you so captivating.”

 

He spoke his words loudly and so full of honesty, that a blush crept up her cheeks.  She knew from the shining twinkle in his eyes that he made to say it, yet, the heat in her face still increased.  He could be so blunt sometimes, and it left her wordless.  What could she add now?

 

Sesshomaru blinked a little longer than usual before rising to his feet.  Her hair was tangled, she looked absolutely drained of energy and her eyes were bloodshot.  Yet she appeared completely stunning.  Kagome didn’t need make up, or fancy dress up.  She was so pure, she shone through and blinded him.

 

He shouldn’t do what he was about to attempt, but he could not stop himself either.  The last thing Sesshomaru wanted to do was to push her away, but he would ask nonetheless.

 

“May I?”

 

Kagome stared at him in confusion as he came closer.  It wasn’t until he cupped her cheek with his hand that she finally understood.  Once again, he caused her heart to go insane within her chest as its beat pulsed through faster than usual.  Tears were burning her eyes because of the topic of conversation and memories of her and Inuyasha were flooding thru her mind.

It almost felt wrong, but it seemed right.

 

She felt like she was an emotional mess as she softly nodded her head.  It was as if she was about to board a train, which had no final destination.  She was about to throw herself into the emptiness and nobody might be there to catch her.  This was wrong on so many levels, yet nothing else would be more right.

 

Had she lost her mind?  After all this time, even after saying she would give him a chance, why was she still confused?  This wasn’t sex, it was closeness.  Shouldn’t she want to throw herself into it, head first?  But she was scared, terrified to remember the moments of the past.  Especially now when she was remembering Inuyasha’s death.

 

Her bottom lip quivered as he took another step closer, she waited for it to happen.  Kagome didn’t know what she wanted anymore and doubt was the only thing in her mind when she felt their lips connect.  His touch was warm, as his hand remained on her cheek, while he bent down even more, so they could be at the same level.

 

Her own hands were still on her lap, completely still while their mouths moved together.  The blush on her cheeks had only increased as their closed mouthed kiss continued.  The only thing filling her mind was the sound of her heart echoing through.  She had kissed him many times in the past, some of those times she had initiated, but she couldn’t help the nervousness she was feeling now.

 

Sesshomaru was aware that now was perhaps not the best time to do such a thing, but he had this intense urge to kiss her.  Maybe it was all those dreams he had been having, where they were so close and she was so happy.  He wanted to see her happy as she had been in his dream.  All he wished for was her happiness.  Nothing else.

 

The kiss went on for a few more seconds, before he decided to pull away.  He cupped her other cheek with his other hand prior to pressing a kiss on the tip of her nose.  The action brought a ghost of a smile upon her lips, she glanced down, almost embarrassed.

 

He moved one of his hands so it was on the back of her head and softly caressed her hair.  He had become really accustomed to doing that and it was slowly becoming a habit.  There were so many things he wished to tell her, but he didn’t feel as if he was adequate in such a situation.  The great Sesshomaru sometimes didn’t know what to say.

 

“You should be happy,” he finally said.  “I’ve yet to see you truly happy.”

 

He knew she had been in the past.  He had even heard Rin talk about her, but he had never been able to experience it.  Not that he deserved it.

 

Feeling bold, she finally raised her shaky hands and grabbed on to his wrists.  

 

“I want to be.”

 

Kagome no longer wanted to feel the weight of the past on her shoulders.  She wanted to love life, throw herself in front of danger like she used to do.  Now, she almost felt too cautious, as if she wasn’t herself anymore.  Before, she wouldn’t think, she would just act and go.  Where had that drive gone to?

 

“I fear I could not bring you happiness.”  It was in his mind all the time, he could not hide it.

 

She wanted to reassure him, but she wasn’t sure if she could.  He wasn’t a bad person, at least not anymore, he was different.  The problem was she didn’t know if anyone could bring her happiness but herself.  If she kept herself lost, never finding her way, could she truly find joy again?

 

“I think we were doomed from the beginning.”  A small chuckle past her lips as she finally glanced up, looking right into his green eyes.  “Maybe we have to break the curse.”

 

Nothing about them was right, or had begun right.  There were never good intentions in the beginning, now all they kept trying to do was fix the troubles of the past.   They were filled with pain and regrets, their guilt eating them away.  How could they build anything on that foundation?

 

“I think we need to turn the page on the past.  But that starts with the jewel.”

 

It was also a main thing of the past that refused to go away.  She wanted to take care of it, she wanted to finally rid the world of it.  The jewel itself was not evil, but in the wrong hands could destroy everything.  It had been her duty to look after it and she had to complete it.

 

Perhaps once that was over, it would be easier to focus on their lives.

 

“You wish to do it now?”

 

It was true that with Kiyoshi around it was a bit more complicated, but at least they had Kouga.  She despised the idea of being away from her son, especially when he had just been born, but… they had to do this.  What if it fell into the wrong hands?

 

She nodded slowly, as her fingers trailed down until her hands were near his elbows.  

 

“I don’t want to be filled with darkness anymore.”

 

She wanted to be free of it all.

 

Sesshomaru offered her a nod, before releasing her face and gently wrapping his arms around her body.  Immediately, Kagome leaned into his embrace, burying her face in his chest.  This was the kind of situation she would have despised and avoided in the past.

 

Now, as strange as it sounded, it was giving her a feeling of safety.  She couldn’t trust herself, she was dark.  She needed someone, she needed support and Sesshomaru was the one who was there.

 

All she could do was close her eyes, feeling a warmth fill her as he pressed a kiss against her forehead.

 

Sesshomaru had become her safety net… and she didn’t mind.

 

-B-