Blood Stained

 

Blood Stained

Chapter 55:

 

Sleep.

 

In certain situations, it could become a real luxury.

 

In her case it was.

 

After speaking with Sesshomaru she had wanted to find slumber, unfortunately it had been an unobtainable task.  She had almost hoped it was the same for him, however, she had never found it in her to turn her head in the direction of his bed to spy on him.  Instead, she had spent most of the night with her eyes lock on her clock, waiting for the minutes to tick away.

 

She was currently tossing in the bed, hoping to successful obtain at least an hour of sleep.  It was true she didn’t have to wake up for anything but she knew Kiyoshi would be waking soon, as a matter of fact, she was surprised he was still asleep.  She would need to tend to him.  Involuntarily, a sigh escaped her, as she resumed her previous position on her back.

 

There was so much she wished to do for the next day, yet nothing at all.

 

As shallow as it might sound, she wanted clothes that actually were somewhat of a fit.  It was true she had no one to show for, but it was for her own self-esteem.  Kagome loved Kiyoshi to death, he was her son, her everything, but pregnancy did change her body.  Unfortunately wearing maternity clothes all the time did not make her feel any better about her appearance.

 

No, it was not her priority to get back in shape, but, was it so wrong to appear decent looking?  After everything, she didn’t think it was too much.  She didn’t wish for fancy expensive clothes, just simply something she didn’t float in.  Big clothes only reminded her that she was, well a bit bigger than she used to be.

 

Of course, Kagome had heard all about it, the depression and low self-esteem women experienced after giving birth.  Now she was in no way in the worst shape, but she could feel some of its effects.

 

Although she would feel completely selfish, to not take her son out in the world again, he had been fine, but there were so many people and things he was exposed to.  And it simply didn’t feel right to her.  But there was no way she could abandon her son.  Even though it was not technically abandoning, it felt that way to her.

 

She had to admit though that with her gone… there would only be Sesshomaru and Kiyoshi.

 

Sesshomaru had experience with kids, she was sure of it, and with more than Rin.  Yet, he was completely terrified of his own son.  She knew there was guilt involved in there, but nonetheless.  She felt guilty as well, yet it never prevented her from interacting with Kiyoshi.  She had attempted to push him towards his son, but he had always seemed awkward around him.

 

If he was to be left alone with Kiyoshi… would he be left with no other choice but to get closer to him?

 

Even back when Kagome despised Sesshomaru more than anything, she still wanted Kiyoshi to have a father in his life.  Now that she could get along with him, she wanted him in their son’s life even more.  It wasn’t right to force anyone in to uncomfortable situations; she would know about that, but sometimes certain people needed a small push.

 

Somehow, the idea of leaving her son with Sesshomaru wasn’t as stressful as she pictured it to be.  Perhaps because, she had practiced when Kouga had taken care of him.

 

Lacking many hours of sleep and very determined, Kagome made the decision to spend a few hours out of the room while Sesshomaru and Kiyoshi would bond.  Hopefully though, Sesshomaru wouldn’t end up burnt like Kouga had.  However, she had a feeling that Sesshomaru could be quite imposing, youki or not.

 

Once again, she found herself looking at the clock, but this time, she was not dreading the time displayed as much.  6:04am.  Almost feeling a bit bold, she dared to turn around to glance at Sesshomaru.  Unfortunately for her, she was only graced with the sight of his back, since he was sleeping on his side.

 

T-shirt.

 

She had never seen Sesshomaru in a t-shirt before, neither had she ever pictured him in one.  It was strange to think of him as casual, yet she could see him do it.  After all, everyone needed to relax, or they would eventually blow up.  Though, Sesshomaru didn’t strike her as the type of person that knew the meaning of the word vacation.

 

Kagome found herself peering at him perhaps a bit longer than she should, before remedying the situation by nearly jumping out of the bed.  Granted it was probably too early to even think about shopping since most of the shop would be closed, but she had much to do before she could even think about leaving.

 

She expected to go along with her task in the quietness when suddenly she heard him shift in his bed.  Immediately her gaze went in his direction and she found herself staring at a very wide-open eyed Sesshomaru.  From the look on his face there was no way he had just woken up.  Could it be that he had spent the night awake much like she had?

 

“Did I wake you up?” she inquired, her voice more of a whisper than she had intended.

 

She watched as he shook his head, before slowly sitting up in the bed and throwing the blankets off his body.  It allowed Kagome to glance at his full set of pajamas, she couldn’t help the tiny smile that appeared upon her lips.  It was definitely a once in a life time sight.  Of course Sesshomaru wore pajamas like the rest of the world, but it was still strange to see him not as uptight.

 

Kagome offered him a weak nod, prior to grabbing her bag and disappearing into the bathroom.  She desperately needed a bath and was making an attempt at squeezing one in before Kiyoshi would wake up.

 

His eyes followed her until she was nowhere to be seen as he pressed his palms against the mattress while trying to lift himself up.  To put it simply, he was drained.  Already, he had been lacking sleep lately, apparently because of the mating bond and was constantly tired.  Spending the whole night wide awake had not been of any help.

 

Sesshomaru was not sure exactly what had preventing him from sleeping.  The fact that Kagome had agreed to his proposition was a good thing, hence why he should have been able to find a peaceful nights rest.  Instead, too many thoughts had been running through his mind.  He was aware that he still had a few doubts and worries, but he deemed it normal to have those.

 

Not being able to find sleep however, was a completely different story.

 

On top of that, he knew he was not the only one who had a sleepless night.  When he was in such frustrating situation, he would simply lay as he always would, she on the other hand would not.  By now, he was accustomed to her sleeping habits and none of them involved her tossing around every minute and a half.

 

Perhaps her not being able to sleep had increased his worry.  Maybe the reason why she had been unable to sleep was because she regretted the decision she had made. Though, she wouldn’t have come to him, saying she would try, only to change her mind in the next few minutes.  Perhaps, she was just as nervous as he was, hence the lack of sleep.

 

Or at least, it would be what he would keep telling himself, unless she would tell him otherwise.

 

Because he didn’t sleep, he found himself with a massive headache, which was not something he appreciated.  A sigh of frustration passed his lips as he fully rose to his feet and headed straight for the window.  The sky was still a bit dark, as the day was just coming in, the sun barely poking out.

 

Suddenly the sound of the shower running could be heard, which caused him to glance over at the bathroom door.  Right behind that door, there she was.  He had been able to notice the hint of deception, or so he thought, on her face this morning, he knew something had been trotting through her mind.  He could only hope it wasn’t him she was thinking of.

 

Once he tore his eyes away, he focused his attention on the crib beside him.  Peacefully, Kiyoshi was still sleeping.  He knew babies should wake up a lot more than he did, which left Sesshomaru to wonder.  Was Kiyoshi simply not requiring anything, or could he feel the distress in his mother’s aura and was trying to behave?

 

Almost as if to give him an answer, Kiyoshi slowly opened his amber eyes, glancing right into his father’s eyes.

 

It couldn’t be.  Granted he could be very well developed, there was no way Kiyoshi knew Kagome was currently feeling stressed out.  It had to be a coincidence; he simply was a quiet baby that was all.

 

Sesshomaru had his hand holding onto the side of the crib, but at the same time, he was somewhat keeping his distance.  He wasn’t like Kagome, it didn’t come naturally to him to be a father.  If he was to hold Kiyoshi and try to provide for him, in the end he would probably mess up.  He had no idea what was the right thing to do, he didn’t even know how to hold him properly!

 

He was kind of hoping Kiyoshi understood him as well as he understood Kagome, hence why he was not seeking for his warmth and what not.  Or perhaps it was, Sesshomaru told himself to not experience guilt.

 

The minutes went by, while all Sesshomaru and Kiyoshi did were to stare at each other, almost as if they were trying to come to an understanding.  Unfortunately, they didn’t seem to comprehend one and other.

 

Then, the moment was broken when the door of the bathroom opened.  Sesshomaru didn’t turn around, giving Kagome the privacy of doing her own things.  He probably would have kept doing so if he hadn’t heard her sniffle.  His toes were twitching as the urge to turn around and make sure everything was well.  Perhaps she was simply getting a cold?

 

Another sniffle.

 

Since he heard her getting closer to him, he could not help but turn around ever so slightly.  She was wearing an obviously too big shirt that almost reached to her knees and what appeared to be black leggings.  Her hair was wet, sticking to her back and that was when he focused his attention on her face.  Her eyes were slightly red, so was the tip of her nose, as she sniffled one more time.

 

Had she been crying?

 

Once again, though he didn’t wish to be thinking that way, he found himself pondering if it had anything to do with the previous night.  Truly it was none of his business, maybe she wanted to be left alone, but he wanted to ask.  Though, he was horrible at conversation and wasn’t sure he’d make a difference.  But, it would be the right thing to do, even if in the end, she ended up retracting her words from last night.

 

“Are you well?” he asked as he turned his body around.

 

Kagome was on the ground, shoving back her things in her bag as she vigorously nodded.  She hadn’t meant to cry but it seemed like the tears had come on their own, she had been unable to stop them.  It was for a very silly reason that she was shedding tears, she hadn’t wish to still be crying in front of him, but apparently she was.

 

A sigh rolled off her lips as she stood back up on her feet.  It was that wretched mirror that had begun all the trouble in the first place.  She had no problem with the way she looked when she had been pregnant, as a matter of fact, she had loved her belly.  But now.  Perhaps it was insecurity, or the thought that she might or might not give it a try with Sesshomaru.

 

Frankly, under all those clothes, she didn’t find herself very attractive.

 

Of course, she had no time for such foolish worries, but it had gotten to her.  Also, the tears might have come so easily because she was so tired.  Whatever the reason, she had to get a hold of herself.  Such little details were no reason to be an emotional mess.

 

“I’m fine,” she finally replied after a minute of silence.  “I- just.. I’m fine,” she added before putting on a small smile.

 

Sesshomaru wasn’t fully convinced, but he nodded.  He glanced one last time into his son’s crib, before pulling away to sit on the edge of her bed, waiting for her course of action.  It was true that she had agree to his proposition and that he could start courting her, but he didn’t know how and was almost afraid to push her away.

 

He observed as she reached out for something on the dresser, only to see it was a hairbrush.  It gave him an idea, so he rose to his feet and approached her, which seemed to surprise her slightly.

 

“May I?” he inquired, his voice neutral.

Kagome looked up at him, her lips ever so parted.  “I –hm you.”  Her heart beat became faster.  “To hm, for me?”  And faster.  

 

“Sure,” she finally replied in an understandable answer.

 

Not sure how he intended to do this, she aimed for the bed, where she sat down, her legs crossed.  Since her back was facing him, she could not see him, only face away from him as he sat down behind her.  The only person she had ever had brush her hair before was her mother.  And she only did that when she was younger.

 

Kagome couldn’t deny she felt a tad bit uncomfortable, but she kept herself under control.  Of course, there was no way she was able to know that Sesshomaru was about just as nervous, if not more so.

 

It was truly a silly action, nothing to make a big fuss about, but it was a beginning.  And he had no intention of screwing it up.  If he could do well during the little moments, perhaps it would give them both the strength they needed to move up to bigger things.  Gently he raised his hand, before running the brush in her nearly untangled hair.  Since he was holding the ends of her hair in his hand, he could tell how soft they felt.  Even though he didn’t have his youki, he was overpowered by the divine scent of her strawberry shampoo.

 

Quietness filled the room as he kept going, making sure he was being gentle, not pulling on her hair.  As time went by, Kagome’s heartbeat began to decrease to a normal level, putting her more at ease.  As to be expected, there was nothing stressful about him brushing her hair.  It was as she told herself such things that she found it within herself to relax a bit, causing her back not to be so straight.

 

Sesshomaru wouldn’t harm her, there was no reason to be on her guard so much.  Though it was almost a natural reflex, one she could not help.  She could only hope that with time, it would decrease, or cease all together.

 

A couple more minutes went by before Kagome felt him completely pull away, indicating he was done.  She turned to the side and offered him a smile.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He nodded, before handing her back the brush.  It was as she was taking it, that a cry echoed through the room.  Kagome’s head immediately snapped towards the crib, she left the brush on the bed, before almost jumping to her feet.  She quickly made her way to the crib and grabbed her crying son from there, before holding him close to her chest.

 

She rocked him gently, as if to soothe him, before smiling down at him.  “Are you hungry?”

 

Kiyoshi’s eyes remained closed as his fit of cries continued, giving her no indication, but she had a feeling she was right.  A bit awkwardly she turned to look at Sesshomaru who was taking in the sight in front of him.  Her eyes were searching his, trying to make him understand without actually speaking.

 

It took a few seconds, but when he carefully looked at her, he understood.  He rose to his feet and grabbed his bag, much like she had done earlier, before disappearing into the bathroom, since he was also ready for a warm shower.  The last sight of her he was given, was as she sat down on the bed, ready to feed Kiyoshi.

 

As soon as he found himself alone in the bathroom, he exhaled deeply.  Why was he so nervous, he had no idea.  He had never been fully comfortable in her presence considering everything, but now it was worse than ever.  Though now, he was supposed to be making sure everything was well and perfect, not freaking out.

 

He had to get a hold of himself, it wasn’t like him to be such an emotional mess.  Perhaps a shower was exactly what he required to calm his jangled nerves down.

 

-B-

 

As the hours went by, everyone had gathered in their room, almost as if it was a habit to do so.  To Sesshomaru’s displeasure, Kouga and his pack had come in completely uninvited and hadn’t even bothered to knock.  Though they couldn’t really have fell upon any kind of situation, it annoyed him.  Or perhaps it was the presence of the wolf that annoyed him.

 

Sesshomaru was in the kitchen, making himself yet another cup of coffee, as he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly, only to catch a glimpse of Kagome and Kouga sitting next to each other, talking.  He was not jealous, since it wasn’t his place to be, but he couldn’t help wondering what their conversation was about.  He had found out yesterday that they talked about him and he wondered about everything she said.

 

Deciding it was better to mind his own business, he turned his head to the side, focusing himself on his cup of coffee.

 

Meanwhile Kagome was pondering how to put her little plan into action.  Although it really shouldn’t be too difficult, of course, she had no intention of going shopping alone.  That was where Kouga came in.  Granted she didn’t really need protection, unless another crazy youkai came after her, which kind of sounded like a pattern with her, but it would be nice to have someone just in case.

 

Kouga had always offered his help, she doubted he would turn her down.

 

“I need your help.”

 

Kouga smirked.  “I’ll get rid of him for ya.”

 

She almost rolled her eyes.  “I need to go shopping.”

 

For an instant, the look on Kouga’s face changed, before he chuckled a bit.  “I’m sure Sesshomaru wouldn’t mind going.”  Shopping with a woman was about the most insane thing any man could agree to do.  He loved Kagome, as a friend, but he wasn’t sure he would go through that for her.

 

“I know, but I kind of need him to stay here.”  Kouga arched an eyebrow, slightly confused.  “I want him to have no choice but get close to Kiyoshi.”

 

Kouga nodded.  “So I’m not the only one who noticed he seems completely terrified of his own child huh?”

 

Terrified was one word for it.  Perhaps she wouldn’t go that far, but he certainly didn’t feel at ease.  “I just want him to know it’s okay and that whatever is holding him back doesn’t have to.”

 

Since she was trying to do something to bring father and son together, he couldn’t really say no could he?  He had a strong feeling he would regret it once they would be in the mall, but, especially with the way she was looking at him, he couldn’t refuse her.

 

“Fine,” he said before falling on his back unto the bed.  “But I ain’t telling grumpy over there about it.  I won’t have him breaking my balls over this, because I’m the one taking you.”

 

“I’ll tell him,” said Kagome before rising to her feet.  “Thank you Kouga.”

 

“Anytime beautiful.”

 

It was a small word, with no meaning behind it because it was being used as a silly nickname, but it made her feel just a tad bit better.  Considering her self esteem had been on the down low side for the day, it was nice to receive a little compliment.

 

Now though she had to face another problem, which involved not wanting to freak out Sesshomaru.  She didn’t want him thinking she was trying to avoid him, especially with their conversation from the previous night.  But, she couldn’t tell him she wanted him to bond with his son.  Perhaps she could leave the situation a bit unexplained for now and would talk to him about it following her return from shopping.

 

Kagome took a deep breath, before heading for the kitchen, where she would announce it to Sesshomaru.  He didn’t glance her way, she wondered if it was because he didn’t want her thinking he was waiting for her to come his way.  After all, they had barely talked since their little chat of the previous night.

 

“Hey,” she said softly when she reached the kitchen.

 

He nodded.  “Good morning. Coffee?”

 

Coffee.  It had been a forbidden beverage for the last little while because of her pregnancy, but now, it was allowed.  Deep inside, she was craving for one, especially with her lack of sleep.

 

“Yes,” she said, sounding a bit more desperate than she had intended to.

 

A small smirk appeared on his lips, as he handed her the mug that had been intended for himself, since he had not poured anything in it yet except for the coffee.

 

“Oh no, that’s yours,” she said, shacking her head.

 

“Nonsense,” he replied before putting the cup on the table.

 

To not give her a chance to deny it again, he turned his back on her, as he prepared himself another cup.  He was glad that they could have a semi-normal conversation without any uncomfortable situations.  He actually felt himself slightly relax, as he finished preparing his cup.  When Sesshomaru turned around, he found her sitting at the table, drinking a black coffee.

 

Sesshomaru took a seat in front of her and waited in silence for her to speak.  If she had come into the kitchen, he knew it was for something more than just coffee.  He could see on her features that she had something to say, so he was patiently waiting until she was ready to do so.

 

Kagome drank nearly half of her coffee in one shot before, putting it down, feeling a rush going through her body.  This was exactly what she had been needing to get a little pumped up.

 

“I’m going out today,” she said, dropping the bomb.

 

The way she had spoken did not really give him a chance to offer a reply, so he simply nodded.

 

“Shopping.  I need clothes.”

 

He could not agree more.  The thought had crossed his own mind a bit earlier and he had planned on taking her himself.  “What time would be convenient for you?”

 

She almost cringed.  “Kouga is going to take me.”

 

Kagome felt a bit edgy as she waited for Sesshomaru to react or answer.  Unfortunately, his face remained neutral, as he sat still, not showing any movement, leaving her to wonder if it was a good or bad thing.

 

It took a few minutes to pass by for him to move.  When he did, he reached out for his back pocket where he took out his wallet.  Quickly, he grabbed his credit card before handing it out to her.  “Here, buy all you need.”

 

She shook her head.  “It’s okay, I mean I have my debit card, I can probably squeeze in what I really need.”

 

“Nonsense.  This credit card will work here, I doubt your debit will.”

 

She had no thought about that, but she couldn’t take his money like that for her own shopping pleasures.  Kagome pressed her lips together, before reaching out for the card, feeling bad.

 

“I’ll repay you.”

 

“You will not,” he said as he took his coffee mug and rose to his feet before disappearing into the next room without saying a word.

 

Kagome could almost feel a certain tension filling the room as he exited, she couldn’t help but think she had caused that.  Though, he had waited, he hadn’t asked for any more information, which was also part of what led to the misunderstanding.

 

She closed her eyes briefly as she inhaled deeply.  Everything felt like a big mess today; she was trying to help, but afraid to do damage, she wanted to progress, but was afraid to go forward.  It was just one of those days where she wished for nothing more than to bury herself under her blankets.

 

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru had Kouga locked in his sights and felt a certain rage stirring up within him.  No, Kagome was not involved with the Wolf in any way, they were friends.  The fact that she would rather go shopping with Kouga than him should not bother him either, since she was probably more comfortable around the wolf than with him.

 

But the fact was, it did bother him a bit.

 

It didn’t take too long for Kouga to feel the daggers being sent his way, one gaze towards Sesshomaru was all it took for him to understand that Kagome had spoken to him.  Kouga rolled his eyes before marching in his direction; he didn’t feel like getting into a dog fight.

 

“You know, she’s only doing this so you will spend more time with your kid.  She thinks you’re terrified of holding him.  Something about you feeling guilty.”

 

Kouga crossed his arms in front of his chest, before plopping down on the bed.  He was only taking Kagome out to do her shopping to help her out, but he didn’t intend to get between Sesshomaru and her.

 

“Maybe you should get your fear out of the way so you can start spending some time with her.  I kinda wish you were the one suffering through a shopping session.”

 

Not wanting the conversation to go any further, Kouga gently patted Sesshomaru on the back before he exited the bedroom to go find Kagome so they could get the hell out as quickly as possible.

 

Sesshomaru found himself glancing at his son.  Was he feeling so guilty that he could not bear to hold his son, or be around him?

 

-B-

 

“So, any progress?”

 

Kagome somewhat frowned at Kouga before shrugging her shoulders.  To be honest with her and Sesshomaru, it was always difficult to figure out where they stood, especially now.

 

“I guess I’m scared.”

 

He nodded.  “I could see why.”

 

Sesshomaru had five hundred years to think everything over, Kagome on the other hand had only been given a few weeks, or even days?  Since she had been thrown into the whole mess, she probably never healed from what had happened.  Kouga knew it would be difficult, but she had to.  Granted it hadn’t been right but so many things were different back then…

 

“I don’t want to be.  I mean, I know he’s not the same person, he’s not it, but sometimes it’s hard.  What if, I’ll always be scared?”

 

“Well, that’s up to you,” said Kouga before putting his hands into his pockets.  “Do you want to spend the rest of your life afraid?”

 

Easy answer.

 

“No.”

 

“Then one day, you’ll have to let it go.  I’m not saying it didn’t hurt you, but it was never done out of a bad heart.  And I think he really wants to make it up to you.  Think about all the stuff you can guilt him into doing.” Kouga said with a smirk on his face.

 

Kagome’s eyes widened for a second, as she slapped Kouga in the stomach.  “I don’t want to force him to do anything.” She sighed.  “I just, I don’t even know if he asked because that’s how he feels or because of the mating bond, or the fact that he is still burdened by this guilt. What if it’s not me he has an interest in?”

 

“Well, knowing Sesshomaru, he wouldn’t put himself in such a vulnerable position unless he was sure.  After all, if he wanted to make it up to you, the way to do so in his mind probably didn’t involve hooking up.”

 

“I guess you’re right.”

 

It felt good to be able to discuss it, but perhaps the person she should have been having this conversation with was Sesshomaru.  Getting involved with him would be quite an emotional ride, she only wanted to get into it for the right reasons.  She would probably pull away a few times, because she was still unsure if this was what she wanted.

 

Nonetheless, she’d give a try.

 

Why?  Perhaps because she, like Kouga had mention, didn’t wish to be scared for the rest of her life.  In the worse case scenario, if it didn’t work out, perhaps she would grow out of the experience and maybe would gain her freedom.

 

Unfortunately, there was no way for her to find out, unless she jumped off a cliff and hoped she would land on something soft.  All she could do was take one day at time, Sesshomaru had agreed to taking it slow which would be perfect.

 

But if everything would work out so perfectly, why was her heart beating so fast?

 

Could she be that afraid of a relationship?  With anyone?

 

Only time would tell.

 

-B-

 

Sesshomaru was feeling a bit edgy as he sat on the chair near the crib.  He could tell that Kiyoshi was awake, but since he had not cried yet, Sesshomaru could only assume that he was fine and didn’t require anything.  The words Kouga had told him earlier were still ringing in his mind and frankly, he didn’t know what to think anymore.

 

It was true that he held himself solely responsible for all the pain Kiyoshi had been put through, from the bracelet, to the kidnapping.  But could it be enough for him to be afraid to develop a bond with his own son?  Having a son had been something on his mind for many years, he had even been willing to fight to have custody of him.

 

So why in the world did he feel so awkward in his presence now?

 

Sesshomaru was a powerful being and though he had made mistakes, he was trying to fix them, was he not?  There was no reason he had to be ashamed of himself.  At the worst, he should probably be asking for forgiveness from Kiyoshi.

 

Deciding it was now or never, Sesshomaru stood up and closed the distance between himself and the crib.  It was then that he did something he had not done before; he reached out for his son, picking him out his crib, before gently positing him in his arms, carefully holding him.

 

Kiyoshi opened his eyes wide, before staring at his father, his hands bawled into tiny fists, resting above his chest.  Sesshomaru dared to raise a hand and gently brushed his thumb against Kiyoshi’s hand.  He seemed so fragile and tiny in his hold, that he was afraid to break him.  As his eyes glanced over his markings, he could not help the pride swelling in his chest.

 

This was his son.

 

He had not come out of the best situation and everything surrounding his growth had been hardship, but he was a treasure, one he did not deserve.  Sesshomaru had felt a rage for a long time when his own father had been gone.  For many reasons.  He on the other hand did not want to give his son a reason to despise him.

 

Sesshomaru wanted to be someone Kiyoshi could look up to.  It would probably take a million years for him to be that person, but he would try, because both Kiyoshi and Kagome deserved it.

 

His own father had been harsh on him, teaching him, training him.  His mother had also taught him to feel nothing, that it would be his best defense in his life.  For the longest time, he thought it was true, but when he looked at Kagome, he realized it was wrong.  It was the fact that she felt so many emotions that made her so strong.  Because she could be hurt and learn how to look past it.

 

When he was angry in the past, he sought retribution, he usually kept going, until he obtained it.  He could not let go, but she could.

 

He wanted their son to be like her.

 

But he wanted to be in his life, if things worked out with Kagome or not.

 

Though first he had two little words he had to say.  “Forgive me.”

 

For everything.

 

It was once those words were spoken that he felt Kiyoshi reach out for his thumb.  He opened his tiny fist, freeing his fingers.  Once they were louse, he grabbed Sesshomaru’s thumb, holding on tightly, almost as if he was afraid to let go.

 

It could have been a normal hold, if a surge of power hadn’t came through it.  A purple glow surrounded Kiyoshi’s hand, the first thought that came to Sesshomaru’s mind was that his son was using his purification powers.  He could have removed his hand in fear, but he did not.  Not only did he trust him, but perhaps in the end, he did deserve a bit of pain.

 

However, pain never came.

 

Instead, he found himself enveloped in a soothing feeling.  It was as if Kiyoshi was using his holy powers to make him feel better.  Did he sense his worry? How could he?  Although, it was probably very overpowering in his aura, Sesshomaru was touched by the gesture.

 

All this time, he had remained sort of away from his son, yet that whole time, Kiyoshi had been fine to be in his presence.  Had he been the one, he was creating a distance between him and his son?  No, he didn’t know how to be a father, but it didn’t mean he had to remain away.

 

Just like Kagome, who was so young, and just as inexperienced, he had to learn.  Sesshomaru had also been somewhat afraid to inquire for help when he needed it and perhaps it was something he needed to change.

 

He thought he had become a new person during the last five hundred years, but perhaps he had been wrong.  Now that he was looking at it, it was possible that he had become even more of a different person ever since she re-entered his life.

 

Sesshomaru could still remember how Inuyasha had been before Kagome and though they barely talked, he had been able to see a transformation.

 

Perhaps it was her gift.  She could change people, bring out different sides of them.  Although, she probably didn’t even realize she could do such things.

 

He could only consider himself lucky that he had her in his life in some way after he had almost taken the light out of her soul.  It was her most precious thing, he could see it in Kiyoshi.  To that end, he would fight to help it remain alive.

 

And then, just more than ever, he felt the desire to be with her, which tugged at his heart.

 

Was it he who desired her or the mating bond, or perhaps was it Kiyoshi’s influencing over him?

 

No.  It was coming from himself.

 

He had spent time with her, he who had long ago despised the very thought of a human mate, was currently fighting to keep his.

 

He smirked, almost chuckling.

 

When had he lost his mind?

 

-B-