Red Lotus

A/N: Sorry the updates I've been a little slow. I sort of got sick for a whole week. Food poisoning. It was pretty bad lost like almost 15 pounds in three days. Once I was better, I was feeling a little weak and being on the computer was hard. I want to say the updates are going to be faster now, butI'll be going to France for two weeks. (I'm leaving in 5 days) and I won't be able to write for a while. Thanks for your understanding.

Not beta-ed. I'm sure there's a billion mistakes.

Red Lotus

Chapter 5: The Process

The days that followed were almost enjoyable.

After two days, Kagome picked up a routine. It included spending time with her mother during the morning, foolishly attempting to regain muscle strength in the afternoon and silently enjoying Sesshomaru's company in the evening. It might not seem like much but to her it was. Hints of her previous strength might be coming back but she lacked energy and endurance still. Each time she did her best and it seemed enough.

Until her little, painful set back happened.

She never planned for it, she never anticipated it. Sesshomaru pulled her out of the hospital because the treatments were killing her while her body was healing on its own - or rather because of his youki. What neither of them planned was how her miko powers kept the chemicals at bay. During her few days with him, her body's miko defenses lowered, since her health was improving, and the chemicals hit her all at once.

The numbness, she could deal with it. The pain stabbing at her lungs? Tolerable, nothing she did not suffer through in the past. The part that destroyed her the most was the painless one. The small, short, rugged little duvet of hair on top of her head was gone. Once more, her hair was the first to go. Some of her eyelashes and eyebrows followed as well. For the second time, she found herself bald.

It sounded shallow and selfish but truly, she could not care less. She looked like death, horrifying and disgusting. Her cheeks were sunk in, skin was stretched over bones and dark hallows of black - most of them bruises - decorated her body. All she was asking for was hair. But she did not have it.

Now, instead of looking healthier like she had in the past few days, she looked worse off.

She did not follow her routine that morning. When her mother arrived, she remained under the blanket. She did not speak. Miyu knocked, she came in but she did not obtain a word out of Kagome. When the afternoon hit, Kagome was still lying in bed with no intention of getting up and exercising. When he came home and her mother left she did not say goodbye to her and she did not greet him.

He did not bother her. He left her to her solitude, never even walking near her room. Why would he? He hung out with her because he had nothing else to do; she invaded his life.

A few times, she ran her hand over bald head, missing her hair. It was short and ugly but she loved it. She spent the entire day with tears in her eyes, not a single of them rolling down her cheek. There was no for sadness; she lost her hair but she would get it back. She would get healthier.

It hurt nonetheless.

When her alarm flashed in bright red that it was midnight, her stomach growled. It was late and she had yet to eat. In the past, not eating was satisfying because it took too much energy and she had none to waste. Now that her body was overworking, trying to fix the damage within her, she needed more food. Her stomach was quite upset with her and she realized it would not leave her alone until she fed it.

A weak sigh rolled off her lips before lifting the warm blankets and tossing them away from her body. She shivered but grabbed the nightstand regardless. She used it to lift herself up and in a few moments she was standing on wobbly feet. Her lack of exercise today was already showing and she almost regretted it.

Forever went by when she reached the kitchen. It was clean; spotless. Unfortunately she did not think she could make herself anything and Sesshomaru probably was not the kind to have little homemade meals all ready in the fridge. Her eyes scanned the counter until they landed on a can of soup. That would do. Except, she did not have the first clue a to where the can opener was located. Her lips were tightly pinched together as she opened each drawer until she found it.

She brought the can closer to her and began trying to open it. Sadly for her, it required an arm strength she did not possess.

Though, it was not a problem for long.

Before she could even register his presence beside her, Kagome jolted in surprise at the sight of Sesshomaru. His large hand was resting on top of hers, giving the added strength to open the can. Once it opened, he pulled away from her.

"Sit," was his only word, his tone a little cold.

Did she think he slept? Did she think he did not hear her move and make noises? Anything she did was a disturbance and he slept lightly - when he slept. He was going to leave her alone and let her do as she pleased all night, much like he had done in the morning but when he sensed her frustration rose, he knew he had to get involved. Sensing her disturbed aura disturbed him.

Her mother spoke with concern in her voice each time she addressed the issue of Kagome's strange behavior of today but he knew better. Seeking solitude was hardly a symptom. Especially since in her case, she always felt guilty for putting her family through all of this. It was only natural that all she would want now is for them to go on with their life without worrying about her.

It was not until he stepped out of his bedroom and into the kitchen that he found out the real reason why she preferred to hide herself from others once again. It was her hair or her lack of actually. He was not one to notice haircuts but it was fairly difficult to miss the fact that she had absolutely no hair.

He heard her drag her feet until she plopped down on the nearby chair, resting her arms on the table. He emptied the content of the can in a soup and added a spoon before handing it to her. Luckily, janchi guksu was eaten cold because he had no plans of standing over a hot stove and cooking a meal. That was perhaps a side he appreciated to having her mother take care of her during the day. He did not need to concern himself with making food.

On top of that, he was not certain he knew what she could and could not eat. He heard her throw up a few times since her arrival and the stench was horrifying to his nose; he did not need to provoke another sickness from her.

"Thank you," she said before digging her spoon in.

"You did not eat today," he stated.

She shrugged. "I fe-lt sick." It was not a lie. On top of losing her hair, a wave of sickness also washed over her in the morning and the scent of food alone nearly made her throw up. Her poor throat could not handle it.

"It will grow back," he finally said, assuming he had to say something. Her sadness was overtaking her regular scent and it could no longer be ignored.

"I know."

Complaining and sulking made her feel selfish, yet the desire to wallow in self pity was stronger than anything else. She had gotten good at it over the past few months. "I know I'm ge-tting better and it doesn't ma-tter." She glanced down. "Even if the cancer is go-ne, I'm still under-weight, I still look si-ck. If I have short ha-ir, they think I'm wi-ld or a tom-boy. If I'm bald they just think po-or little s-ick girl."

She inhaled deeply a few time to catch her breath. She was not used to long speeches yet and it was difficult for her to talk for a long time. Her lungs felt like they were ready to collapse.

Kagome supposed her point did not make much sense right now, at least not to him. She was in the house all the time. Though, she figured she would go outside once she could walk on her own - she missed the fresh air. Unfortunately, by then her hair would not be back - and she would still look sick and weak. There was always the option of ignoring the stares people would throw her way but it was hard. Even more if the people whispered.

"Their opinion holds no value." Why did she concern herself with trivial things? He recalled her not caring when people pointed at her strange clothes in the Feudal Era. If she did, she would have changed into a miko attire or a kimono. Did she not remember being stronger than this?

"I know."

She was sick and tired of looking like a ghost, like a shell of her previous self. All she wanted was to find some dignity and happiness. Each time she took a step in the right direction, something dragged her back to the start. It was exhausting - and hopeless.

The conversation died but he remained standing in front of her, watching her eat. She took a few sips, chewed the noodles as best she could and dropped the spoon, splashing some of the cold brother on the wood of the table. She absently wiped it off with her fingers and then, wipe it on her shirt.

Silence tickled at her and she decided to break it. "Why a bank?"

Question, always a question, he noted. "I had the necessary qualifications to work there."

"I thought you'd be ri-ch. Five hund-red years? You can do any-thing."

"A human could," he answered, slightly annoyed. "The world began changing a few decades after Inuyasha's death. Some youkais fought humans and there was war and blood. We were forced into hiding. Some of us might easily slip into a humanoid form but it does not give us a complete human appearance. It took a long time to perfect it. We lived in caves and dens - any forsaken corner of the land humans did not dare to venture."

Sesshomaru was blessed enough to have spent that century or two alone. He always assumed it was mostly because other youkais could sense his aura and they knew it was preferable to not impose on him.

"Once we managed to mingle, we had to hide our immoralities. Schools and other establishments keep records. The more traces there is, the harder it is to make a new identity. We blended in and took menial employment."

Her heart sunk and she nodded. She never imagined it would be that difficult to be a youkai in the modern era. She always assumed their near immortality would give them the upper hand and would allow them to thrive in this world.

"I'm so-rry."

"Your apology is pointless. You did not cause this."

"But hu-man did. I'm human."

"You're a miko." To him, that was above regular humans - especially those of this era.

Being a miko served one purpose; it kept her alive long enough to be saved by Sesshomaru. It did also change her life; if she was not who she was, she would have never fallen down the well and she would not be sitting in this chair, mated to Sesshomaru.

"Roles will be reversed again one day." He did not think they would ever peacefully live together. Not because youkais who hunt down humans but because humans always attacked what they feared.

"If people mix en-ough…"

He cut her off. "Youkais rarely let a human bear them a child."

"W-hy not?"

"How would one explain the hanyou? Not every human would accept the existence of youkais and one mistake could endanger us all."

"But you might go ex-tinct if you don't."

"Youkais stay with youkais."

In the past, people avoided hanyous because it was shameful. Now, it was all about survival. Hanyous never had a chance no matter the era and it saddened her greatly.

"They do not hate hanyous, it is simply not worth the risk."

"I under-stand."

He made it sound so easy to not have children with humans. She knew that according to him, it never appealed to him to be with anyone but she was also aware that it was not the case with every youkais. Some of them probably fell in love, head over heels, and wanted a family with the one. Yet, they could not and she wondered if many tried. She was certain that some people understood. Not everyone could be close minded.

"I gue-ss you'll want a full bloo-ded heir."

"It hardly matters."

His response baffled her. His hatred of Inuyasha in the past was legendary. He mocked his weakness and used his human mother against him. Why would he not care if his children were full youkais or hanyous?

"Do you require any assistance to return to your room?"

And just like that, the conversation was over.

-R-

More days passed and they did not speak with one and another. Most nights, she was too tired to even attempt to stay awake. Her body was working hard to not only get rid of the rest of her cancer but the leftover from her treatment as well. She did make the effort to walk around the apartment, slowly recovering her strength in her legs. After three days, she was still wobbly but she managed to get around without constantly grabbing something for balance.

Sesshomaru worked until late at night. It was mostly the reason why they did not speak. The other reason was when he got home, he did not seem to be in a great mood. She assumed he was picking up extra hours at work and she hoped it was not because she was living with him. The moment she would be able to work again, she intended on helping around. She refused to let him support the both of them on his own. Youkai or not, everybody needed a break once in a while.

Even now, it was late in the evening and he had yet to return. She was in the living room, laying on the couch with the remote in her hands. She was not truly watching anything but she was unable to find rest. Either she was too cold or she was too warm. Her shirt was still soaked in sweat from her previous heat.

When the door of the apartment unexpectedly opened, she jumped. Sesshomaru came in, slamming it behind him. He dropped his suitcase on the floor and then, sniffed the air. A look of surprise formed on his features and he tilted his head to look at her. Apparently, he expected her to be asleep. His eyes lingered on her a bit longer before he disappeared into the kitchen.

Kagome used her arm to sit herself up on the couch, leaving him some room in case he wanted to join her - she doubted he would.

What was one supposed to do when their husband-mate came home clearly upset. She saw Sesshomaru quite aggravated in the past but nothing that came close to his current rage. Her miko powers were unused and drained but she could feel his aura - it was almost scary. Moments passed before he came into the living room, fingers clutched around a water bottle.

"Are you ill?"

"I can't get com-fortable." Her eyes shifted to his face. "I can go to my room if you w-ant." Maybe he needed alone time?

He shook his head and silently sat by her side. His eyes were focused on the television but she knew he was not paying attention.

"Do you wan-na talk about it?"

Silence.

She wanted to cringe. Sesshomaru hated talking. What made her think he wanted to share anything with her? At least something this personal. Kagome gulped and turned her body away from her. Perhaps the best plan was to stay quiet.

There was no need for him to discuss his feelings. He was displeased that he even let such foolishness provoke him. Every employee at his work at to be involved in the different projects every year. Since he was one of the managers, his participant was not only expected but obligated. Most years, he got away with simple projects. This year, they inflicted him with the worst punishment; organizing the fundraising.

Each year, the bank raised money for the local soccer team and provide them with equipments, bus and other things. Each year, a woman ran it. Not this year. He did not care enough to complete such a task and he hated to be surrounded by not only so many stupid humans but screaming children. His only experience was with Rin and she was calm, obedient and quiet. These children were not.

Of course, refusing was not a possibility and he had to say yes. Now, he would spend his time at home planning this event. How lucky for him.

He stole a peek at her but she was glancing straight ahead. At least, she knew when not to push an issue. Though - she was skilled with children; he remembered seeing her with the kit. It was clear that she was bored all day, alone home, and perhaps she would welcome the distraction.

"Are you bothered by children?"

She blinked, puzzled. "No."

"A task has been assigned to me. I have to plan a fundraising for a children's local soccer team."

She blinked again. "Would you li-ke me to help?"

He nodded.

"Su-re," she enthusiastically responded. Although, if she was being perfectly honest, she would say that she was rather shocked that Sesshomaru was asking for a favor. Even if she did not want to do it, she would have done it; she owed him so much already.

"I will leave everything on the counter in the morning." He did not expect her to get on it right now and frankly, he was tired of hearing about it for the day. "I thank you for your help."

She dismissed him with a wave of the hand. "After every-thing you've do-ne for me, it's the lea-st I can do."

They fell silent once more, sitting beside each other like they strangely did too many times. Silence was comfortable with Sesshomaru. No longer did she feel warm or cold; she was at ease. It was strange actually, the times where she felt at her best were when he was around. It was not like he did anything which left her perplexed. What did his presence have to do with anything?

"I feel be-tter when you're around." She did not ask it like it was a question but they both knew it was.

"We are mated. You are stronger by my side." It was his youki mingling inside of her. It recognized him when he was near her. She was human, she could not mimic what he did to her. How close or far they were to each other had no affect on him.

"Oh," was her only confounded response.

She was left pondering if his missing presence from her life during the past few days was the reason for her crabbiness. Everything required an effort - more than she was willing to give but she did it regardless. When he was present she was at peace. Already, she her body was heavy and almost numb, tempting her to sleep. Mere moments before his arrival she never thought she would sleep tonight.

Kagome leaned her head backwards into the couch and wrapped her arms around her legs.

"Do you require a blanket?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine."

Since it was clear he did not mind speaking to her tonight, despite his irritation, she wondered if it would be alright to ask more questions.

"Do you feel any-thing like I do?"

"I bit you, you did not bite me."

"Does it aff-ect the ma-ting?"

"No. I am simply not inflicted by all your different emotions."

She could not even imagine how grateful he probably was for that. She did not think someone without many emotions like him would appreciate her mood swings.

"Lucky," she said, her voice raspy with a hint of amusement in her voice.

For a moment, she swore he smiled but she barely had time to blink that his face returned to normal; she must have imagined it.

"Is it diff-erent? For people who are really ma-ted." She did not know how else to phrase it without blushing. Their friendship, if you could call it that, was nothing more than platonic but youkais who usually mated it was for love was it not? What was it like?

"I do not know. It is not an experience other share and I have not experienced it myself."

Survival was his main goal when the world changed and then, well he never obtained the glory and riches he expected. He had no intention of raising sons and heirs in such an environment. Plus, he needed to find a female who would not drive him insane. That part alone was exceptional rare. Attraction was not very important though if she was pleasing to the eye he supposed it would help.

Right. Of course he could not really answer her. He did not even have a sex drive. Oh god, even thinking the word sex caused her cheeks to be colored dusty pink.

"Are you warm again?" he inquired, oblivious.

Words failed her and she shook her head one more time.

The word made her blush but it was strange since she never experienced a strong arousal. She loved Inuyasha and she wished to be by his side forever back then. If she still could, she would. Nonetheless, her mind never went any further than kissing. That alone made her embarrassed. She never had a chance to picture them doing anything else. It was as if, in a way, she was still childish when it came to certain subjects.

"Have you ki-ssed any-one?" the question came out before she could stop herself.

"No."

When he said he was not interested in those sort of things, he really meant it.

"Inu-yasha almost ki-ssed me once."

What came next was unexpected. A low growl escaped him and she stiffened. She did not even have a chance to turn her head that a gush of wind hit her, pushing her against the arm rest, and when she opened her eyes, Sesshomaru was gone. She heard the echo of his door closing and she frowned.

What happened?

-R-

The water of the shower was warm on his skin as he tilted his head forward, letting his hair drape over his face. He knew she was most likely still sitting in the living room with a dumbfound expression on her face. What took place was nothing more than an involuntary reaction. He mated her and linked her to him. He might have mentioned that it had no effect on him but he was clearly wrong.

When she mentioned what his half brother almost did, he felt a pinch of jealousy. Really, he could not care less. She could have slept with him, though he knew she did not because he could smell her virginity, and it would not affect his life in any way. Their bond however arose physical reaction out of him - the growl was one of them.

He hoped she would not dwell on the matter because he would not. However, next time, he intended on being more prepared.

These reactions were unwanted and he figured that with time, he would learn to keep them under control. His intentions were not to confuse her and make their already strange arrangement, awkward. He held no feelings towards her and it was the same in her case. It worked perfectly that way.

Nonetheless, the reaction shook him a bit and he could still feel it deep inside his chest. He was jealous before - like when his little brother was able to wield the sword and he was not. Though perhaps jealous was not quite the right word. Fury was better. But this - what he felt earlier, it was true jealousy.

It displeased him greatly. He did not wish to feel it again.

-R-

The morning after their little talk, she found the paper he was referring to about the fundraising. She worked on it, sometimes by herself, other times with her mother. A few days passed but she did not see Sesshomaru. This time she knew it was not because of his job but because he was avoiding her. Even when he came back early, he went straight for his bedroom.

It was very strange but she never pushed the issue, she did not ask.

Prying in his business was not her concern. He made it clear the other day that sharing personal things was not what he preferred and she would respect that. Nonetheless, it left her slightly edgy and she did not know if it was because of the uncomfortable atmosphere or simply because of their bond. After all, her feelings might not affect his but it seemed his emotions had an impact on her.

While she was in the living room, trying to come up with ideas for his project, Sesshomaru was in his bedroom. He was laying on his bed, his eyes closed and a hand covering them. He had not slept in a while. Really, he did not need it but it did make the nights seem longer. He tried to obtain rest but after having this nightmare once, he decided against it.

Their bond was weak - it should be - he did not take her sexually when he mated her. He only overpowered her. Also, ever since their mating they kept a decent distance between each other and never did they engage in any physical affection. There was no reason for their bond to be anything but weak. Yet, he felt like it was trying to fix itself. His chest was still heavy with the ping of jealousy.

He did not need to rectify the situation. Not only was Inuyasha and her in the past but as he kept repeating to himself, she could do as she wished. Right now, if she decided to begin a relationship with someone else, it would not bother him and he would go on with his life, same as always. He did not think mating bond were supposed to affect lives like this. He did it to honor an obligation and to repay her for the good she did in the past. Nothing more.

Sesshomaru had no intention to be attached to her more than he already was.

As he laid, he felt her. She was still, frozen in place, as she sat on the couch like she did many nights. Her legs work better and she could get there on her own. The more she left her room, the less depress she was he noticed. It made sense; confinement did not fit her.

Now his only problem was that her presence in the living room was bothersome. He did not know why, it simply was. He kept his eyes forcefully closed and counted to ten in his head. It did not work, it did not clear his mind. He knew he felt no attraction towards her or anybody else for that matter. Perhaps he lied to her, perhaps the bond was affecting him too. Although, it made her feel better and it made him feel worse.

No matter what, it appeared that his little brother always had something to do with him having a bad time.

Aggravation rose inside of him and he had no choice but to get up. He knew where this was heading; he would be going in the living room where she was. Alone. He tried to make his steps very slowly, hoping to find another option to soothe his irritation but he did not. When he reached the door and turned the handle, he sighed. Emotions did not rule him, they never did.

He was doing this out of his own accord and to let himself obtain some rest. That he did not need.

The light from the living room lite up his face and he marched forward. Closing the door behind him, he moved ahead and did not stop until he reached the couch. Noticing his arrival, she raised her head and offered him a weak nod before re-focusing on her work. He watched her, still standing, and he had to admit he was less annoyed which in turn infuriated him.

Regardless, he sat down beside her.

She felt the couch shift but she kept her eyes locked on her sheet of paper. Her hand was trembling slightly, mostly because she was unsure of what exactly he was doing. He avoided her for days, acted strangely and now he was silently, and willingly, sitting beside her. She began chewing on her bottom lip, scribbling words and mindless ideas.

Her body ached and that was a good distraction from the youkai nearby. She pushed herself these past few days, refusing to be locked in her room any longer. Also, she made an effort to appear in good shape when her mother was around. She did enjoy the time they spent together but she knew her mom had better things to do than babysit her all the time. Maybe if she thought Kagome was doing better than she was, she would stay home more often.

She was determined not to impose on anyone - or to not need anyone.

Now that she thought about it, the way Sesshomaru let her be and left her alone constantly was perhaps exactly what she required. He would not let her die but he did not seem to get involve unless it was absolutely necessary. Unless, he wanted to freak her out and be strange; like he was right now.

He tried to be subtle as his eyes glanced over the sheet. He could not make out many of the words but he could tell she spent a great deal of time working on it. He was right to give this project to her.

"I ca-me out with a lot of ideas. I'm not sure any of them are go-od though," she said when she noticed him peeking her way.

"They will be sufficient." They would most likely attract more humans than anything he could come up with.

She frowned, trying to figure out if he was complimenting her in a Sesshomaru kind of way or if the project did not matter to him at all and he could not care less what she did with it. She went with the latter.

"I'll cl-ean it up and gi-ve you a copy tomorrow."

"That is acceptable."

He was always formal when he spoke but it felt different tonight, she did not know why. Edgy and dying to make the atmosphere more comfortable, she ended him the remote. "I'm not wa-tching. You can put what you wan-t."

When he took the remote, she swore she felt his thumb brush against the palm of her hand. It was so light, it might not have been real. It would not be the first time she hallucinated something when it came to him.

He did not care much for the television or what was playing but he took the remote from her regardless. He almost touched her. When she removed her hand, she dropped it by her side on the couch instead of on her lap like before. He stared. Slowly, he lowered his own hand and before he knew it, there it was resting beside hers. Not touching, just there.

Engrossed in her scribbling to busy her mind, she pushed her hand to the left. They touched.

Her first instinct was to pull away, eyes bulging slightly. However, she quickly found that she could not and met a small resistance. Sesshomaru's little finger was over hers, holding her hand there. She forgot how to breathe and instead she obviously stared at him.

He did not.

His eyes were focused forward, not even a crack in his stoic mask.

Different emotions flared up inside of her but in the end, she decided to think nothing of it. Sesshomaru was not the kind to want anything physical, he made it clear many times. Perhaps he felt lonely or maybe he thought she needed comforting. Maybe it was even his way of apologizing.

Regardless of the reason, she saw no need to move her hand.

And he did not complain, a soothing feeling growing in his chest.

-R-