Undone

AN: Sorry for the wait, I have been busy :) Enjoy!

It really was indecent.

The way his hair fell into his eyes with a sort of childlike naiveté she knew he didn’t possess… the innocent curve of his smile.

He had brought her to a small bridge, hidden in the depths of the foliage, spanning the width of a tiny brook that burbled softly beneath them. Everything felt strange; the lack of smooth, sharp silver surfaces, the buzzing of small insects, the breeze. She finally fully understood the phrase “out of one’s element”. This forest was as alien as an ocean floor to her, as far away as the moon.

“Here.” She turned to look at him questioningly, only to come face-to-face with a slender flute-glass of something sparkling. The carbonation tickled her nose.

“This isn’t…?” He grinned immediately at her questioning look.

“Sparkling cider. Non-alcoholic.”

“Thank you.” She replied quickly, eager for a change of subject. She peered over at the open basket, appraising the contents. It was a simple, elegant repast. The kind of thing, if she was honest with herself, that she might have put together. Grapes, a wheel of brie, a loaf of dark bakery bread, prosciutto, and an assortment of small pastries.

They ate in companionable silence for several minutes, before she broke it.

“You’re wrong about me.” She said unexpectedly.

“How is that?” he sounded amused again.

“It isn’t a façade. This is who I am.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh really?”

“I think it’s who you want to be, sure. But I don’t think it’s you. I don’t think it’s anyone.”

“Well, you’re wrong. You can be both, you know. This is who I want to be, and it’s who I am.”

“It’s really who you want to be?” He laughed. “But you aren’t happy.”

“I – I beg your pardon?!” She was apoplectic. “You don’t even know me, you smug little-“

“Hey, I’m sorry.” He looked uncomfortable again, like he had in her office earlier. “That isn’t – I didn’t mean…oh, shit. That really came out wrong. I meant…aren’t you just trying to be everyone else’s idea of what you think you should be? Do you really think that this is all there is…to life?”

“That what is?” She asked, intrigued despite herself.

“Working for money to eat, so you can work some more, for more money….until you get old enough to retire once you’ve lost all your energy, and beauty…working your ass off for time to spend, time that you’ll finally receive past it’s expiration date.” He ran a hand through his hair, to the faint sound of crackling static, his voice falling and rising in melodious cadences.

“I mean, I know I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve fucked up more than a few times. But I look at the sky sometimes, or listen to a piece of music I really love…and I just…I know there’s more out there. That possibility of what life can be. Something transcendent and so, so worth it. ...Worth every minute of pain, and sadness, and regret.” His eyes were luminous in the late afternoon light sifting through the trees. He was looking at her but he wasn’t seeing her; he was seeing something beyond her that she didn’t know.

“I feel like that, sometimes.” She finally said, in a small voice. “But it’s a fleeting thing. It isn’t real. It’s hormones, or adrenaline, or whatever.” The words sounded pathetic to her even as she was uttering them.

“I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.” He fired back bluntly. “I mean, you could say that about anything. That it’s just synapses firing in your brain, or a chemical imbalance. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, maybe it’s the same stupidity that drives people to blind faith and religious zealotry. But I can’t believe that’s all life is. That I’m just some kind of animal following my urges. I’m a human being. The fact that I can even think about these things is proof enough for me.”

They lapsed again into quiet. Kagome really didn’t know what to say to him. He was, she mused, so unlike anyone she had ever known. She had always taken it for granted that there were certain things you strived for in life. Everyone agreed, it seemed, on what was important. You wanted love, sure, but it was hard and complicated even when you tried your best. Much easier was a career, money, material things. They didn’t necessarily, equate happiness, but they were a sizable step towards it. You needed money. You needed money if you got sick, you needed it to pay taxes and rent, you needed it to even have a shot at anything…just to live.

Who was Inuyasha to tell her what would make her happy?

Was she happy?

This was the crux of it, the troubling part. She didn’t agree with him at all, but yet…he was right about that. She wasn’t happy. She was, in her own estimation, doing everything right. But she wasn’t content with her life, and she had no idea why.

“Are you happy, then?” She suddenly needed to hear him answer this one question.

“I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. I’ve got problems, and nothing is ever perfect. But I’m living on my own terms, and that’s very important to me.” He looked at her as he said this, his gaze penetrating. She felt like he could see into her dirty interior, into the blood beating treacherously through her veins, into her heart pumping defiantly, into her ribcage and her arteries.

“I’m living on my own terms, too.” She whispered. She realized with a detached severity that she sounded unsure. Inuyasha shrugged, obviously uncomfortable with the conversation.

“Sure. I’m sorry…again. I came out here to apologize to you, but I’m just antagonizing you again. Keh.” His features became guarded, and he turned to her, looking more like the delinquent boy in the restaurant than the earnest man of a few moments ago. She was suddenly so aware of how close she was sitting to him, of the clothes clinging to their bodies and the breath moving through her lungs, in and out of her in rapidly quickening whooshes.

I want him to kiss me.

The thought took her by surprise. She was angry at him, still, for what had happened that night. Even with Sango’s encouragement, she hadn’t intended to become embroiled in his life, or to have anything but the platonic relationship her involvement with his brother might warrant. But he was so close and he was dizzyingly gorgeous and right now she didn’t care about any of that. She vaguely tried to steel herself, to summon up within her the disgust, the inhibitions that had allowed her to push him away when he had whispered in her ear. Every time she tried, however, something caught her; the scent of him, like wood smoke and sweat, the line of his cheekbone with a shadow twisting teasingly beneath, his sharp teeth catching the edge of his mouth again…

She couldn’t think right now, not of Hojo who didn’t matter anyway, not of Sesshoumaru who was perfect and cold, not of her company or the merger or of the papers stacked on her desk. He was real and golden, with a verdant green world haloing his pale hair, his face inscrutable. It wasn’t tame, or romantic, or beautiful, what she wanted from him, then. She wanted something violent and bestial, like heat rising furiously into the dead air, forming great clouds that thrummed with the energy of wanting, of needing to release their pent-up deluge…

She saw the change in his expression that meant he saw in her the sudden desire that threatened to consume all rational thought. A small flicker of understanding in his eyes, then doubt. She was struck with a sudden horror as she stared into his face. It seemed as though a blind had shut over his entire visage, obscuring the burning emotion of his speech just minutes before. She wanted him to do something crazy, she wanted one of them to reach over and grab the other roughly by the hair…

Instead, he leaned forward, hesitantly, that horrible veil still covering his expression. His movement was a question she eagerly moved to answer, crossing the few inches left between them. She kissed him, lunging forward, but he pulled back slightly. When he kissed her in return, it was cautious. His lips moved softly, closed. It was a chaste kiss that quickly ended. He turned away before she could see his face again.

“We should get back, Kagome.” Before she could answer, he gathered up the remnants of their meal and made to walk away. He didn’t turn to see if she was following him until he had reached the edge of the forest, where she couldn’t make out his features.

She sat for a moment, listening to the free sound of the water flowing, watching it as it twined sinuously around every obstacle and continued on. The water knew where it was going; it was going wherever gravity pulled it.

Straightening her rumpled clothing and burning with humiliation yet again, she made to follow him, her body still aching with an unsatisfied need. A question repeated to the rhythm of her steps as they walked back, as she followed him as though pulled by an unseen thread.

What did I do wrong?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Well, I guess I should have mentioned that that might happen.” Sango sounded regretful over the phone, punctuating her words with a small sigh.

“You mean…you knew this would happen?” Kagome hissed angrily.

“Not…exactly, no. But what did you expect, Kagome? After the way you reacted to him last time, you can hardly expect things to be the same as before. He’s hesitant about being romantic with you at all, let alone being as forceful as when you pushed him away. He doesn’t want that to happen again. Who would?”

“…oh.”

“There is one good thing, though.”

“What?”

“The fact that he wanted to apologize, that he kissed you again…it means he’s definitely still interested.” She could hear Sango’s smug smile through her voice.

“But it doesn’t matter, does it? He’ll just keep holding back.”

“Honestly, Kagome, what is your problem? Aren’t you the one who is always talking about equality between men and women? But what were you thinking in that clearing? You told me that you thought “I want him to kiss me”. Why didn’t you just kiss him? You have to go after what you want in your love life, Hon, just like at work. You can’t expect it to just come to you.”

“But…maybe I’ve messed things up too badly. What am I even doing, Sango? I need to break it off with one of them.”

“Ultimately, it’s your choice, babe. I just want to see you happy. Whatever that means for you.”

“Thanks, Sango. I always feel better after talking to you.”

“It’s because I’m so brilliant. Hey, lets have a girls night one of these days. Give me a call when you’re not bogged down with work, ok?”

“Sure. Talk to you soon. Bye.” Kagome hung up the phone, chewing her lip. Her stomach was roiling with unpleasant emotions. It was one thing to fight a battle for something you believed in, for something you were sure about…but this whole time, she had been at odds with the treacherous impulses her body provided. She didn’t want to want Inuyasha.

It would be so much more convenient if she were attracted to Sesshoumaru. But even this scared her. This is a good thing, she thought, the barriers between me and Inuyasha. Deep within her resided the fear of how wanton and depraved her actions might become were the path to Inuyasha clear. Had she wanted Sesshoumaru with the same fervor, there was no telling what she might have done the last time she had seem him with little more than a towel between her body and his eyes…

But there it was again, the little pang of disappointment that she couldn’t quite find the root of. It was the same feeling she had had the night she had left Inuyasha’s apartment.

She thought of the words preceding their disastrous kiss. The vehement, furious joy in Inuyasha’s voice when he had spoken of life, of how he thought life could be. In that moment, Kagome had wondered, for a second, if he was really as deluded as logic might tell her.

Something transcendent and so, so worth it…

What did he mean? She asked herself. What was worth it? This was just the way life was. It was hard most of the time, and it often hurt. Either you came to terms with that, or you jumped off of the tallest building you could climb. Kagome watched the news. She had no compunction about owning up to the way the world just…was. You either did good things and tried to be the best person you could, or you gave into your selfish side to ease your problems. Practically everyone she knew turned to addictions: drinking, drugs, promiscuity, even copious amounts of coffee. Kagome just preferred to devote herself to something constructive. Her job was her escape. It was mindless, and often difficult, but she felt like it was the right thing.

I shouldn’t have seen him today, she concluded. This was, and always will be, a stupid idea. I’m always better off on my own.

But that night, her dreams were haunted by eyes convicted of a beauty only they could see; golden eyes watching a distant and lovely phantasm which, try as she might, Kagome knew she couldn’t reach.

The next morning, she noticed that the roses Sesshoumaru had left her were starting to wilt.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kagome squared her shoulders and walked through the doors of the crowded restaurant. This particular one was very large, as it included a dance floor and a live singer with band. It was packed for a Thursday night, but then, that was New York City for you. The woman who had been singing, an attractive, short girl in a tight cocktail dress, was taking a break to drink some water, while the band played some soft, unobtrusive jazz.

Kagome tugged nervously on the hem of her dress, but this only served to bring down the v-neck, exposing more décolletage. At home, she had reasoned that this was the correct thing to be wearing. It was a date, after all, not merely a business meeting as their last meal had been. But she felt more and more exposed in the form-fitting silk frock, standing under the bright fluorescent lights as though on stage. Her heels resounded loudly on the polished floor as she strode up to the hostess.

“Um…I’m meeting someone? A Mr. Taishou?”

“Ah, of course. Right this way, miss.” She caught the envious look the hostess’ face, and felt better. She should be enjoying this; Sesshoumaru was the kind of man any woman would be ecstatic to be with. He was handsome, polite, rich…Kagome’s thoughts trailed off as they reached the table. Sesshoumaru looked elegant and unruffled in a dark, silver-grey suit. He rose as Kagome approached.

“Kagome.” He smiled with perfunctory grace. “It’s wonderful to see you. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She smiled back automatically. This was going to be easy. No obligations, no worries, no hormones…just dinner with a man who knew how to carry on polite conversation and offer disarmingly romantic gestures. This, Kagome convinced herself, was exactly what she needed right now.

A waitress hurried over with a gleaming bottle of Cabernet, and two glasses. Sesshoumaru ignored her fastidiously and fixed Kagome with the full power of his intimidating gaze.

“Wine, my dear?”

Kagome opened her mouth to say, No, thank you, I don’t think I’ll ever drink again, but Sesshoumaru had already nodded and the waitress had poured quite a bit of the expensive liquor into her glass. Kagome closed her mouth and murmured a polite thank you, while promising herself not to touch the stuff. They ordered their meals; as Kagome ordered a salad she caught Sesshoumaru’s approving look and decided to have nothing else. Kagome’s dealt with food the same way she dealt with men; if she wanted it too much, she knew it would be bad for her.

“Kagome.” He spoke her name softly, alluringly. “There is something specific I wanted to speak with you about. Not that the pleasure of your company is not reason enough to meet; quite the contrary.” His mouth turned up at one side indulgently, as though inviting her to laugh. She chuckled nervously, wondering what he wanted. She could tell from the sound of his voice that he wanted something from her.

The woman on the small stage had stopped chatting and gotten up. She was fiddling with the microphone and laughing with her band mates as they struck the last notes of a fading song.
“Hello, New York City!” She laughed into the microphone. There were scattered whistles and applause from the diners. “If you’ll bear with me a moment, I’d like to sing something a bit more modern than this stuffy jazz my band seems so fixated on!” She grinned cheekily back at the clarinetist, who returned a long-suffering look, obviously trying to fight a smile. “I’m going to cover ‘Say You Will’. Lets have some dancing!”

At an invisible cue, the drummer started up a low, steady bass rhythm.

“Kagome.” Sesshoumaru recalled her attention, looking put-out that she was not devoting all of it to him. “I’ve spoken again with your father.”

“Have you?” Kagome said politely. She could not think what relevance this had on their date. Did he still want to talk about the merger? That was fine with her. The woman started to sing, her voice low, throaty, hypnotic.

Why would she make calls out the blue?
Now I'm awake, sleepless ‘til noon…

“Yes. We had a long talk. About you, actually.” He was forced to look up as their food arrived. He had ordered a rare steak, and it bled as he sliced it into smell, precise pieces. Kagome picked at her salad, feeling more and more on edge. There were several couples swaying now on the dance floor to the slow song. She wondered what Inuyasha would have said, had he been the one across from her instead of his brother.

“About me?”

But Sesshoumaru was doing something strange. He was reaching into his pocket, withdrawing a small box…

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Don't say you will…unless you will
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Don't say you will, then play you will
I pray you will

“What is that?” Kagome breathed involuntarily, hoping the faint strains of oncoming horror were not yet coloring her voice.

“Chiefly, a business proposal, if you’ll pardon the unintentional pun. I know you’re the kind of woman who can understand how important this is for our companies.” Sesshoumaru placed the unassuming object between their plates, between them, on the table.

All Kagome could think of at that moment was Inuyasha, earlier, kissing her with a horrible hesitance. But all she could see was Sesshoumaru, not even on one knee, handing her a box without emotion. She could not imagine anything but a hesitant kiss from him, ever. She remembered the night she had drunk too much, the frenzied haze of pain and heat on his rumpled coverlet...

When I grab your neck, I touch your soul
Take off your cool then lose control.

“Kagome.” He looked across at her, the first touch crack in his confident veneer beginning to show. “Your father and I both agree that an arranged marriage between us would be the perfect gesture to fully connect our businesses. But beyond that, I’ve known since I first saw you that we are two people who can understand one another. Who can respect how important our work is to both of us.” He opened the box. A glittering, ostentatious diamond ring winked at her from the velvet interior. “I believe we can grow to love each other. So don’t worry about that. After all, marrying in a rush of teenage hormonal impulses is a juvenile, immature choice. It’s outdated. People match themselves on compatibility now; attraction follows. Though, I feel we already have both…”

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Don't say you will
You will, you will
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Please say you will
for real
I pray you will.

The song ended. There was a moment of deafening applause, and the singer bowed demurely.

Kagome’s heart was racing with an unnamed emotion. She reached for her wine glass without looking at it and drained it. The alcohol raced down her throat, burning like ammonia. She couldn’t taste it. She couldn’t think. What was the word ‘no’? What did it mean? It was a sound without meaning. It was like laughing, or crying, or screaming. It was unintelligible and did not belong in a situation like this, in public.

She opened her lips. Even wetted by the Cabernet, they were dry.

Choices meant nothing. Here was the key to lock her chastity belt, the final word, the final struggle. Here was the impassable barrier she would erect between her lust, her selfishness, and the way she wanted to be.

Mrs. Kagome Taishou.

He was looking at her expectantly. His posture was perfect, even in this place of alleged relaxation.

There was only one answer she could give.
“Of course, Sesshoumaru. I agree. This arrangement is satisfactory to all involved.” Could she muster a smile? Of course. All she needed to do was bare her teeth.

The woman on the stage was kissing the clarinetist, tenderly, passionately. A few couples were still swaying on the floor.

The alcohol was taking effect. As she put the ring on her slender finger, she let her vision go hazy. She could almost imagine she was only marrying a nameless man with silver hair. Just a lovely mannequin.